***Spoilers included***
As I’ve stated with other reviews, I know what I’ll get with Hilderbrand: People on Nantucket, complicated relationships, women who have the time to cook lavish meals (with detailed food descriptions), and women who are always on the prowl for decent sex. Better than a Lifetime movie, but undeserving of awards for writing craft, Hilderbrand supports her brand of books again with another summer read. There’s kind of a beauty in selecting a book from an author and knowing you will get what you expected. Sure, I’m never shocked or so captivated that I can’t put the book down, but I am also never really enraged that I spent time reading Hilderbrand’s books (except Nantucket Nights, which, to be fair, was written 16 years ago and I should have expected how bad it would be from the name). In my quest to find decent entertainment in a summer of mostly 1-2 star rated books, Hilderbrand provided me some relief.
Unlike some of her others, I purposefully waited to read this one while at a beach (Charleston vacation), but not Natucket or Martha’s Vineyard. Usually, I’m envious of the beachy descriptions, but in this book, I learned that the beaches are actually super cold there almost the whole year. I was a bit saddened to learn this, as it killed my desire to ever seek a Nantucket vacation for myself, but I can get all the icy mountain water I need in North Carolina and prefer my beaches to be WARM.
Plot: Once upon a time, a guy named Billy went to some family party with one girl, who got sick, then let himself be snagged by another. They became Billy and Eleanor, a power couple in their own rights with twins, Harper and Tabitha (one twin clearly won the name lottery, especially considering that Hilderbrand has a character named Bluto in another book). But Eleanor can’t stand to have a family while apparently building a fashion empire on the one dress that is named in the book, the “Roxie,” so they get divorced and have a Parent Trap set up where each twin lives with a different parent, then trades (Yes, TPT is mentioned several times; it’s deliberate). Of course, no twin wants to live with Eleanor, so they shoot rock, paper scissors (and Ainsley has apparently never heard of that game even though my current students still play it…). Tabitha has been blaming Harper for ruining her life ever since. But both twins end up being screwed up: Tabitha as an uptight heiress to her mother’s fortune with a spoiled substance-abusing daughter, and Harper sleeping with a married man (but it was apparently condoned by Hilderbrand because his wife refused to give him sex for a year. Boohoo). There’s a dead premie baby of the past that Tabitha blames Harper for for no reason and a dead dad that sparks them switching islands. Tabitha finds a man “who has lost someone” (how dreamy), and Harper finds out she’s good at throwing parties in a store and hiring people, not just accidentally delivering drugs. In the end, both women reconcile with their men and have a relationship again. Yay….or something.
In another book, one of Hilderbrand’s characters says about a book she’s writing, "I want an ending where the woman is happy instead of good," and I guess that’s Hilderbrand’s personal motto in this book (149). Tabitha is still a piss-poor mom, Ainsley is an entitled brat, and Harper is a homewrecker, but they all get men fighting for their affection in the end and live at the beach! Even the scorned wife of the doctor gets a love interest and a picnic. Perhaps Hilderbrand is the modern-day Shakespeare: Writing texts of low quality entertainment for us plebeians that are clear comedies with the multiple “marriages,” but I think it’s more likely that she thinks women can do whatever the hell they want without consequences. Maybe I should move to Nantucket after all…
Some high points:
THERE WAS A PUG NAMED LUCY BEAN! But I was pissed that the other dog didn’t like her and she was portrayed as annoying. My pugs rarely bark and Fish is a super dumb name for a dog (417).
This was probably the best “hook” I’ve read from her with the descriptions of both islands and competitive sisters; it was tongue-in cheek and the highest quality of writing in the book. The rest of the book is lackluster in quality, bordering on annoying when Tabitha keeps thinking “This is happening” to herself. We get it: You’re a frigid prude who is about to get laid.
Drew gets a new, seemingly more appropriate girlfriend. I was so sad that his aunties wasted food on Harper.
“We humans want what we don’t have. Harper went with Billy and I’ve longed for her ever since” (88). I loved Eleanor and her insight. She was the perfect ridiculous older woman. Plus, she sent her daughter on a food run of three different places when she was bedridden. Goals!
“Being part of a community means you have a responsibility to behave, to obey the laws, to act like a decent human being. And when you don’t, you let everyone else in the community down” (101). I’d rather die than live in a place like that, but I appreciate Hilderbrand’s articulation.
I liked when Tabitha was a pony. Why did she ever change back?! She seemed far more likable that way.
What I really couldn’t stand:
The awful parenting that Hilderbrand often includes in her books. Is she an awful parent and is trying to make others feel like they’re not alone, or is she trying to make me so frustrated that I don’t reproduce?! Any parent who is too weary of their child’s possible reaction to discipline should not have kids.
“To provide beer and weed to your sixteen-year-old daughter makes you not only a ‘cool’ parent but also kind of a criminal. To offer coke makes you only a criminal” (59). KIND OF? I’m not sure if Hilderbrand is trying to evoke teenager logic or if she actually believes this, but again, THE PARENTING!!! Plus, nothing happens to that guy even though he also assaults someone (which is just a vehicle to progress the plot…).
This book, like the Roxie, is so dated. The “hip” descriptions of clothes and teenagers were embarrassing. Teddy is the cool guy at school and wears Nike sneakers with long-sleeve T-shirts (245). The adult clothes weren’t any better though with a tight white dress with black diamond lace cut outs…I think I saw something like that at Rue 21 in the 90s (269). I really hope the designer Hilderbrand used didn’t design that. The company should sue for defamation! Also, what school principal in 2018 has a hard copy of locker combinations in a random drawer? (142).
The bar fight was right out of a bad stunt reel on an audition tape. I could barely read it because of how silly it was. Stick to food descriptions.
Caylee is portrayed as “working on herself” when she was dumped by Ramsay and isn’t the best model considering she worked at a bar and dated an old guy, but she goes to church, so…(294).
Tabitha sucks, so I don’t really care if she has a sucky man, but any man who would put his sister’s drama over “love” isn’t worth it. That was BS and I’m horrified that Franklin pursued her after Sadie said it was ok.
Hilderbrand’s books are really hard for me to remember after I read them, but I guess the dependable adequate entertainment I get is worth it.