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Playing Hurt: My Journey from Despair to Hope
For the first time ever, the popular late host of ESPN's The Sports Reporters and ABC's college football openly discusses a lifelong battle with depression. During his three decades on ESPN and ABC, John Saunders became one of the nation's most respected and beloved sportscasters. In this moving, jarring, and ultimately inspiring memoir, Saunders discusses his troubled childhood, the traumatic brain injury he suffered in 2011, and the severe depression that nearly cost him his life. As Saunders writes, Playing Hurt is not an autobiography of a sports celebrity but a memoir of a man facing his own mental illness, and emerging better off for the effort. I will take you into the heart of my struggle with depression, including insights into some of its causes, its consequences, and its treatments. I invite you behind the facade of my apparently "perfect" life as a sportscaster, with a wonderful wife and two healthy, happy adult daughters. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am truly grateful. But none of these things can protect me or anyone else from the disease of depression and its potentially lethal effects. Mine is a rare that of a black man in the sports industry openly grappling with depression. I will share the good, the bad, and the ugly, including the lengths I've gone to to conceal my private life from the public. So why write a book? Because I want to end the pain and heartache that comes from leading a double life. I also want to reach out to the millions of people, especially men, who think they're alone and can't ask for help. John Saunders died suddenly on August 10, 2016, from an enlarged heart, diabetes, and other complications. This book is his ultimate act of generosity to help those who suffer from mental illness, and those who love them.
304 pages, Kindle Edition
First published August 8, 2017
51 people are currently reading
337 people want to read
About the author
John Saunders
1 bookJohn Saunders was a Canadian-American sports journalist. He worked for ESPN for nearly 30 years.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 41 reviews
August 30, 2017
This is not a typical memoir of a sports figure. In the very beginning, John Saunders talks about his thoughts of suicide by describing a trip across New York’s Tappan Zee Bridge across the Hudson River. From there, he opens up about the demons that he lived with while battling depression through his entire life until his death in 2016. This memoir written with John U. Bacon is raw, soul-bearing and a book that a reader will have a hard time putting down.
Saunders was an award-winning broadcaster, best known for his work on the ESPN show “The Sports Reporters.” He also covered college football and basketball as well as hockey for the network. The native Canadian was a good hockey player in his youth, eventually playing college hockey in the United States. When an injury and lack of commitment to the game made him realize he had to do something else for a career, he turned to broadcasting and worked in smaller Canadian cities, Toronto and then Baltimore before ESPN.
Through all of this, Saunders was constantly filled with self-doubt and depression. In the book, he talks of the physical abuse he endured from his father and the sexual abuse from a female friend of his parents. He talks of his hurting himself by burning, his troubles with intimacy that resulted in a failed marriage and the constant doubt he had in both his hockey and broadcasting career. He eventually righted himself to have a good career and a loving marriage with two daughters, but even then he battled demons. If he wasn’t doubting himself about being a good father, he sank into depression after reading social media postings criticizing his work. All of this on top of a serious concussion when he blacked out doing a college football show makes his story even more amazing.
What made this book a very gripping read was not only the rawness of this story, but how much he realizes what is happening and yet he feels powerless to control it. He has great respect for the doctors who helped him and much love for not only his wife and daughters but also for his colleagues who showed their support for him as well. It is a powerful work that shows how mental health issues can be hidden from the outside world but can deeply affect the people who are suffering. When Saunders shared his time spent in the psychiatric wing of a hospital and two other patients with whom he formed friendships, it was such a moving message illustrating how people who are suffering share a common bond.
This is a book that must be read – not only to learn more about depression and what it can do, but also to gain an understanding of the man whom many spent each Sunday morning listening to in order to catch up on the sports news. I was always a fan of The Sports Reporters and Saunders, but now I have an even more deep respect for what he did and the legacy he left behind.
I wish to thank Da Capo Press for providing a copy of the book in exchange for an honest review.
https://sportsbookguy.blogspot.com/20...
Saunders was an award-winning broadcaster, best known for his work on the ESPN show “The Sports Reporters.” He also covered college football and basketball as well as hockey for the network. The native Canadian was a good hockey player in his youth, eventually playing college hockey in the United States. When an injury and lack of commitment to the game made him realize he had to do something else for a career, he turned to broadcasting and worked in smaller Canadian cities, Toronto and then Baltimore before ESPN.
Through all of this, Saunders was constantly filled with self-doubt and depression. In the book, he talks of the physical abuse he endured from his father and the sexual abuse from a female friend of his parents. He talks of his hurting himself by burning, his troubles with intimacy that resulted in a failed marriage and the constant doubt he had in both his hockey and broadcasting career. He eventually righted himself to have a good career and a loving marriage with two daughters, but even then he battled demons. If he wasn’t doubting himself about being a good father, he sank into depression after reading social media postings criticizing his work. All of this on top of a serious concussion when he blacked out doing a college football show makes his story even more amazing.
What made this book a very gripping read was not only the rawness of this story, but how much he realizes what is happening and yet he feels powerless to control it. He has great respect for the doctors who helped him and much love for not only his wife and daughters but also for his colleagues who showed their support for him as well. It is a powerful work that shows how mental health issues can be hidden from the outside world but can deeply affect the people who are suffering. When Saunders shared his time spent in the psychiatric wing of a hospital and two other patients with whom he formed friendships, it was such a moving message illustrating how people who are suffering share a common bond.
This is a book that must be read – not only to learn more about depression and what it can do, but also to gain an understanding of the man whom many spent each Sunday morning listening to in order to catch up on the sports news. I was always a fan of The Sports Reporters and Saunders, but now I have an even more deep respect for what he did and the legacy he left behind.
I wish to thank Da Capo Press for providing a copy of the book in exchange for an honest review.
https://sportsbookguy.blogspot.com/20...
October 31, 2017
When I picked this book up at the library based on a recommendation from here, I knew there would be parts that would touch what I call my past world. What I didn't expect was to find someone who understood some of my health issues so well, or that I would cry.
John Saunders was a well beloved ESPN sportscaster that I well remember watching over the years. He earned respect, displayed a keen sense of humor, and knew the sports he was covering, therefore being able to teach his audience. But John lived a very different personal life away from the cameras.
This is not an easy book to read, but it is an important one. John is bluntly honest throughout, not to exploit something explosively, but to help others. John, thank you.
I had a stroke at age 39. I went to bed one night enjoying my life and family and friends, planning a vacation with my daughter. I woke up the next morning with the most intensive migraine possible and people looking at me like I was crazy because my words were nonsense. John didn't have a stroke, but he did have a fall after a game broadcast and suffered another brain issue. His feelings and the experiences he encountered mirror mine, and I found myself wishing I could pick up the phone and talk with him.
John suffered throughout his life in many ways. He lived two lives, and addresses all the complications of this with class.
John Saunders was a well beloved ESPN sportscaster that I well remember watching over the years. He earned respect, displayed a keen sense of humor, and knew the sports he was covering, therefore being able to teach his audience. But John lived a very different personal life away from the cameras.
This is not an easy book to read, but it is an important one. John is bluntly honest throughout, not to exploit something explosively, but to help others. John, thank you.
I had a stroke at age 39. I went to bed one night enjoying my life and family and friends, planning a vacation with my daughter. I woke up the next morning with the most intensive migraine possible and people looking at me like I was crazy because my words were nonsense. John didn't have a stroke, but he did have a fall after a game broadcast and suffered another brain issue. His feelings and the experiences he encountered mirror mine, and I found myself wishing I could pick up the phone and talk with him.
John suffered throughout his life in many ways. He lived two lives, and addresses all the complications of this with class.
October 19, 2017
Depression does not discriminate, people do.
John Saunders was great at hiding in plain sight. I read this book and feel like there's this whole story that lays under the public sports celebrity that we know, this story of the battle against depression. We didn't know, how could we know, that the fun and entertaining John Saunders was battling demons. Some of us battled the same demons, but we did it from the privacy of our own homes while John battled while on TV. This book brings that battle front and center like no other sports book before. I'm a little rung out but glad that I read "Playing Hurt".
John Saunders was great at hiding in plain sight. I read this book and feel like there's this whole story that lays under the public sports celebrity that we know, this story of the battle against depression. We didn't know, how could we know, that the fun and entertaining John Saunders was battling demons. Some of us battled the same demons, but we did it from the privacy of our own homes while John battled while on TV. This book brings that battle front and center like no other sports book before. I'm a little rung out but glad that I read "Playing Hurt".
January 11, 2018
What a sad, harrowing story
November 22, 2017
It might be strange that a book about abuse and mental illness (which I have not experienced) made me think so deeply about my own life, but it did. It also made me think about those around me who might suffer from either of the above and what they might need from me. This book. A must read. I wish John were still with us to see how many people his book will impact!
November 3, 2017
I’m so grateful to John Saunders for bravely sharing his story...
For anyone who suffers or knows someone who suffers from an “invisible illness.” While the focus of the book is John’s lifelong battle with depression, many of the life lessons he shares are applicable to us all. He tells his story with candor, authenticity, and humility; you can’t help but like him and grieve his passing almost as much as his friends and family did.
Do yourself a favor...read this book and share it with others. John Saunders shared very intimate, personal experiences to help others understand mental illness (whether or not they’ve been afflicted), tell others who suffer in silence they are not alone, and encourage people to get the help they need.
John Saunders was a fighter and continues his fight via the story of his life. Let’s fight with him and spread awareness by sharing his story with as many people we can. If even one life is spared because of this book, it’s a victory for John.
For anyone who suffers or knows someone who suffers from an “invisible illness.” While the focus of the book is John’s lifelong battle with depression, many of the life lessons he shares are applicable to us all. He tells his story with candor, authenticity, and humility; you can’t help but like him and grieve his passing almost as much as his friends and family did.
Do yourself a favor...read this book and share it with others. John Saunders shared very intimate, personal experiences to help others understand mental illness (whether or not they’ve been afflicted), tell others who suffer in silence they are not alone, and encourage people to get the help they need.
John Saunders was a fighter and continues his fight via the story of his life. Let’s fight with him and spread awareness by sharing his story with as many people we can. If even one life is spared because of this book, it’s a victory for John.
July 6, 2017
Mental health issues are becoming less taboo in our culture and it is great to see people opening up about the real struggle with depression that is often underlying people that are successful in their chosen profession. In addition to mental health, this book also covers Saunders' early years in Canada and family life and there are many interesting insights about growing up in the 60's and 70's, hockey, being black in Canada vs. being black in the U.S. and how early childhood trauma can impact an adult life.
October 2, 2017
This book was quite impactful. How many people struggle with depression, 'playing hurt' through life? This book was a sacrifice of privacy on behalf of John and his family in order to truly help readers.
I will close with this quote from President Obama:
"We wouldn't accept it if only 40 percent of Americans with cancer got treated...We wouldn't accept it if only half of young people with diabetes got help. Why should we accept it when it comes to mental health?" (Saunders 279).
Excellent, excellent work.
I will close with this quote from President Obama:
"We wouldn't accept it if only 40 percent of Americans with cancer got treated...We wouldn't accept it if only half of young people with diabetes got help. Why should we accept it when it comes to mental health?" (Saunders 279).
Excellent, excellent work.
September 24, 2017
As I watched ESPN for many years, John Saunders always seemed in command. Whether he was hosting Sports Reporters, anchoring studio coverage, or in the play-by-play booth, he appeared smooth, confident, and in control. That appearance of control makes Saunders' story of abuse, depression, and constant self-doubt all the more striking. This book was an eye-opening look into the constant struggle, and yet the hope that remains, when living with mental health issues.
September 26, 2017
Loved it. I wasn't aware of what Saunders dealt with in his life. This book was very enlightening. As a sports fan, the stuff about ESPN was interesting, but the details about his battle with depression were what kept me reading.
Anyone with someone close who fights with depression should definitely read this one.
Anyone with someone close who fights with depression should definitely read this one.
January 30, 2018
It's really hard to rate books like this -- how can you say you "really liked it" when it is about someone suffering through such a disease?
A couple of guys on my hockey team had read this book so I thought I'd give it a try. I knew who John Saunders was -- hard not to know if you've watched ESPN in the last 30 years. But I knew nothing about the man: not him being a Canadian or a hockey player; how much he actually did on ESPN (I probably just caught him now and then); nor, of course, his personal battles.
A well written book about a disease I know very little about -- not typically a book I would read but I am glad I did and happy that the Saunders family/friends saw fit to complete after John's passing. It's an important topic, not just for people suffering from the disease but for those who aren't to try and understand just a little bit...
A couple of guys on my hockey team had read this book so I thought I'd give it a try. I knew who John Saunders was -- hard not to know if you've watched ESPN in the last 30 years. But I knew nothing about the man: not him being a Canadian or a hockey player; how much he actually did on ESPN (I probably just caught him now and then); nor, of course, his personal battles.
A well written book about a disease I know very little about -- not typically a book I would read but I am glad I did and happy that the Saunders family/friends saw fit to complete after John's passing. It's an important topic, not just for people suffering from the disease but for those who aren't to try and understand just a little bit...
August 6, 2025
Truly Inspirational!
This was one of the most important books I’ve ever read. Thank you, John Saunders, for being brave enough to share your amazing story! His vulnerable is rare and refreshing, to fully disclose his experience with something as taboo and debilitating as severe depression, as well as the physical and emotional abuse he fought his way through. I pray many, many others take the time to read what has to be one of the most forthright and honest accounts of what it’s like to live with this condition and live through that kind of trauma. Additionally, he provides a great balance by sharing so many of his amazing achievements, despite all of the aforementioned. For him to make it to the pinnacle of his profession is a testament to his faith and perseverance, and most of all God’s love and grace!
This was one of the most important books I’ve ever read. Thank you, John Saunders, for being brave enough to share your amazing story! His vulnerable is rare and refreshing, to fully disclose his experience with something as taboo and debilitating as severe depression, as well as the physical and emotional abuse he fought his way through. I pray many, many others take the time to read what has to be one of the most forthright and honest accounts of what it’s like to live with this condition and live through that kind of trauma. Additionally, he provides a great balance by sharing so many of his amazing achievements, despite all of the aforementioned. For him to make it to the pinnacle of his profession is a testament to his faith and perseverance, and most of all God’s love and grace!
February 19, 2018
Although this was mostly a sad book to read, it gives an enlightening view into what it may look like to battle depression. John Saunders was a classy professional sportscaster for ESPN, but you'd never know that he was hiding something and battling a constant depression. John gives an intimate view into his abuse as a child, his sexual molestation, his drug use, and other demons that he constantly battled.
If you were a fan of John's sports journalism work, this book gives you a view into his life that makes you further appreciate how good he was at his craft, but also at times makes you feel sorry for him.
Again, it's a mostly sad read, but kudos to John for shedding some light on mental illness and trying to give people a better understanding of how hard it may be to live with it.
If you were a fan of John's sports journalism work, this book gives you a view into his life that makes you further appreciate how good he was at his craft, but also at times makes you feel sorry for him.
Again, it's a mostly sad read, but kudos to John for shedding some light on mental illness and trying to give people a better understanding of how hard it may be to live with it.
May 22, 2019
This book is not uplifting but if you think you have had a tough life then read what John Saunders went through. A rotten father, a mother not much better and a life filled with depression. Still the story casts a really good light on ESPN and Johns's many friends. I couldn't help but chuckle about the description of his heart attack at a party for 200+ friends of Dick Vitale.
Some of the story takes place in Canada and little did I know that John's mother lived in Guelph for a period of time.
Some of the story takes place in Canada and little did I know that John's mother lived in Guelph for a period of time.
September 8, 2017
Tough to read the first half of this book about Saunders' childhood abuse and his poor decisions as a young adult. Good to learn about brain injuries and depression, and about Saunders' experiences as a long time member of ESPN.
The book is well written by John Bacon and Saunders mostly before Saunders' death (from enlarged heart and diabetes) and I didn't want to put it down, in spite of the difficult material during his childhood.
The book is well written by John Bacon and Saunders mostly before Saunders' death (from enlarged heart and diabetes) and I didn't want to put it down, in spite of the difficult material during his childhood.
October 7, 2017
Great read. I always thought John was a great asset to ESPN. He was the consummate professional whether it be in a broadcasting, mediating, or emcee role. I was sad to hear that he passed away. After reading his book, I have an even greater respect for him and the family that loved him. I also have a little better understanding and appreciation for those who suffer from TBI, depression, and diabetes.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 4, 2018
A great book for understanding how one person battled depression, even when that person had a very public profile. It's a bit painful to read about all the things that John Saunders went through in his life, but well worth the read to get some perspective on both depression and resiliency, and also to learn a little bit more about a prominent sports journalist who reached extraordinary heights with his work for ESPN / ABC.
January 15, 2018
A great lesson to show us all what may appear to be joyous on the outside one may be in much pain on the inside. What a brave thing for John Saunders to write and expose to the world his most inner struggles. While I admired him as a sportscaster, I have even more admiration for him now. Hopefully, this will encourage those that struggle with mental illness and depression to seek help. What makes it even sadder, is that he left this world way too soon.
December 12, 2021
John Saunders was my favourite sportscaster. At a time when “schtick” was gaining, John was clean and amiable and knowledgeable. Great he was Canadian was a bonus. Picking up this book was shocking. A true lesson in ”you don’t really know what’s going on with other people”, Playing Hurt was sad, heartbreaking and shocking. John was gone too early, before he could put together the happy ending, but his life was seriously difficult and he faced challenges I could only imagine. Not a typical autobiography, once John broke into broadcasting, there was very little focus on his career. Hopefully, for him, this book was therapeutic.
December 26, 2022
Unbelievable
I loved John Saunders as an ESPN personality, but after reading this I was more impressed with his fight against depression and shining a light on it. As a survivor of someone who died because of this DISEASE, I am so happy John had the courage to fight for his family and himself! This is a great book for people suffering or know someone suffering so we can bring this into the light and remove all the stigmas.
I loved John Saunders as an ESPN personality, but after reading this I was more impressed with his fight against depression and shining a light on it. As a survivor of someone who died because of this DISEASE, I am so happy John had the courage to fight for his family and himself! This is a great book for people suffering or know someone suffering so we can bring this into the light and remove all the stigmas.
March 28, 2023
4.5 stars
What a powerful and mesmerizing book. John Saunders was always my favorite ESPN personality, but I had no idea—NONE—of what he had gone through in his life and what he had to overcome. Both as a person and as a medical professional, it struck some pretty deep chords in me. My sincere thanks to the late Mr Saunders and to John Bacon for this remarkable collaboration. Highly recommended.
What a powerful and mesmerizing book. John Saunders was always my favorite ESPN personality, but I had no idea—NONE—of what he had gone through in his life and what he had to overcome. Both as a person and as a medical professional, it struck some pretty deep chords in me. My sincere thanks to the late Mr Saunders and to John Bacon for this remarkable collaboration. Highly recommended.
January 10, 2018
This book was really interesting. John Saunders went through a lot and you would never have guessed it. It goes to show you that you never really know someone or what they’ve been through.
Some people are very good at hiding their feelings because it’s what you need to do to succeed at pretty much everything. He was one of those types of people but his story is important for so many reasons.
Some people are very good at hiding their feelings because it’s what you need to do to succeed at pretty much everything. He was one of those types of people but his story is important for so many reasons.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 10, 2023
Playing Hurt
I read this book to learn about John Saunders, the ESPN personality. I got way more from reading about his life and the incredible journey her endured throughout his life to be successful. It also opened my mind to the struggles a person with depression lives with.
I read this book to learn about John Saunders, the ESPN personality. I got way more from reading about his life and the incredible journey her endured throughout his life to be successful. It also opened my mind to the struggles a person with depression lives with.
December 27, 2017
the first half is good but the second half is great. That is when he tells about his depression and traumatic brain injury. If your are interested in learning more or helping people with depression or TBI this book is for you.
July 11, 2018
I never watch ESPN and didn't know John Saunders, but I loved this book and wish I could have met him in person. It takes so much courage to be so honest in opening up your life! I gifted this to several friends at Christmas.
August 17, 2018
I loved this book. It’s not simply a tale of a sports celebrity but it is instead a tale of a person who was unable to control his depression and battle a brain injury at the same time. A fine autobiography of a true American sports star.
September 1, 2018
A very interesting look at the author's life. You think you know someone from seeing him on TV and in interviews but discover that his life is totally different. An excellent look at depression and abuse and how it effects one's life and the struggle to cope with it. An eye opening story.
August 15, 2017
Help others in need.
Let's everyone realize how common place depression is in our population. Too bad many more people do not try to help depressed individuals.
Let's everyone realize how common place depression is in our population. Too bad many more people do not try to help depressed individuals.
August 15, 2017
I thought it was an inspiring story but was much less specific on how the mental health issues were really overcome. I guess if you have depression, you always do.
November 7, 2017
Learned a lot about a man I respected as a television personality but respect even more as a man. Not a perfect man, but one who tried his best after starting life with a tough childhood.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 41 reviews