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Empress Theresa
The great men in history understood that they couldn't do it all alone. They needed the Invincible Ally. A teenage Catholic girl from Massachesetts acquires limitless power over the whole world.T What will she do with it? What would you do with it? Napoleon was intellect without conscience with disastrous results. Theresa is conscience leading intellect with magnificent results. "I'm very simple. I follow my conscience. I am what I do." On page one, Theresa sums up the human situation in a single "We're lost in this confusing world unless we follow the directions of its Maker." You want a strong female? Try "Empress Theresa". After reading page 1, no, never mind that, after reading the second paragraph on page 1, you know nothing will stop this girl! ................... In the cultural wasteland of today's heartless media, Empress Theresa is a breath of fresh air. Show it to your 8 year old daughter and show it to your grandmother. They'll both enjoy it. ……Empress Theresa is a very different kind of story, incorporating situations never seen before. It is a beautiful story in how Theresa deals with her "impossible problems" and how people react to her. It is full of meanings, for Theresa doesn't act like this world is all there is. "I was sure I was immortal and that gave me courage." ……This is a book about a heroic teenage American girl winning against impossible odds and changing the world. ……So is Empress Theresa a 'Young Adult' novel? Not really. Theresa doesn't deal with the problems of a teenager's life. She deals with problems that involve all humanity. It should be called an 'Old Adult' novel because old people, having seen everything, will see its meaning. It has themes seldom seen in other books. But the story itself is worth reading just as a story. ……On page one Theresa describes herself as a ten year “…when I was a little girl I didn’t have a clue about anything. My job as a kid was to figure out what the heck was going on and what to do about it.” Later, when she is challenged with global problems, it turns out that nobody else knows what to do. Theresa has to figure it out herself. Her husband Steve complains, “Politicians are hiding under their desks. Theresa has to do it all”. ……This one of a kind story is an inspiration for a teenager. An 18 year old girl gets enormous power over the whole world. What will she do with it? …… Theresa is honest, courageous, brilliant, loved by everybody ( even China wants her to take herself out of danger ), happily married, powerful but harmless, thoughtful of others' welfare not just her own, a believer in God, and an inspiration to the young and old. She attacks "impossible" problems with everything she's got and she never gives up. ……"Those who challenge Theresa Hartley's power are fools" says the Israeli Prime Minister. "She could destroy the world." ……"Don't mess around with Empress Theresa!" says her husband Steve. ……Empress Theresa is what some people would consider impossible, a book about a good girl, with no sex, foul language, or violence, but still giving the reader an action-filled fascinating story.
470 pages, Kindle Edition
First published March 14, 2014
34 people are currently reading
441 people want to read
About the author
Norman Boutin
1 book15 followersNorman W. Boutin (also known as "Norman" or "Norm") is an indie author from New England, and writer of the self-published Empress Theresa.
Norman Boutin was born on October 17, 1948. He considers himself "Franco-American," with great grandparents from Quebec. He has spoken of how when "[he] was a little boy the French were still being sneered at as dumb frogs who could only work jobs in the textile mills which drew [his people] down here from [their] miserable Quebec farms in the first place." He didn't learn English until he started going to school.
At some point in his life, he served in the army. During this time, he was stationed in Germany. He spent three years there in a German apartment building. He claims to have been a captain in the army.
Around the 1970's, he worked in a factory.
On March 1, 1978, Norman Boutin was granted a dental license by the State of Maine. It lapsed on December 31, 1980. According to the State of Maine's website, the reason given was "Failure to Renew".
In 1980, Boutin was a dentist in the US Army stationed in Germany, and claims that his dental assistant "was arrested for being the post's largest heroin dealer". He claimed the assistant was making one hundred thousand dollars a year.
Around 1994, Norman received "the kernel of an idea" for a story that would later become Empress Theresa.
On September 18, 2002, Norman made public an article he had written entitled Joan of Arc's Death: from Heat Stroke.
In October of 2009, Norman began writing Empress Theresa. On January 3, 2010, the first draft of Empress Theresa was finished.
As of 2011, he was living in southern Maine, specifically Biddeford, Maine, and was attending Saint Joseph's Catholic Church.
As of 2013, he was living with his brother and sister in the same house. In this same year, he published Empress Theresa on Kindle, and indie published it in print format the year after, in March.
Norman Boutin was born on October 17, 1948. He considers himself "Franco-American," with great grandparents from Quebec. He has spoken of how when "[he] was a little boy the French were still being sneered at as dumb frogs who could only work jobs in the textile mills which drew [his people] down here from [their] miserable Quebec farms in the first place." He didn't learn English until he started going to school.
At some point in his life, he served in the army. During this time, he was stationed in Germany. He spent three years there in a German apartment building. He claims to have been a captain in the army.
Around the 1970's, he worked in a factory.
On March 1, 1978, Norman Boutin was granted a dental license by the State of Maine. It lapsed on December 31, 1980. According to the State of Maine's website, the reason given was "Failure to Renew".
In 1980, Boutin was a dentist in the US Army stationed in Germany, and claims that his dental assistant "was arrested for being the post's largest heroin dealer". He claimed the assistant was making one hundred thousand dollars a year.
Around 1994, Norman received "the kernel of an idea" for a story that would later become Empress Theresa.
On September 18, 2002, Norman made public an article he had written entitled Joan of Arc's Death: from Heat Stroke.
In October of 2009, Norman began writing Empress Theresa. On January 3, 2010, the first draft of Empress Theresa was finished.
As of 2011, he was living in southern Maine, specifically Biddeford, Maine, and was attending Saint Joseph's Catholic Church.
As of 2013, he was living with his brother and sister in the same house. In this same year, he published Empress Theresa on Kindle, and indie published it in print format the year after, in March.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 131 reviews
October 27, 2014
I only read the free sample chapters on his website.
I'm still pretty sure I overpaid.
I'm still pretty sure I overpaid.
August 21, 2019
I'm giving this five stars, not for the content, but for the size of Norm's balls. They must be six feet across and made of vibranium for him to have not only put this in front of peoples' eyes, but to have charged for the displeasure. Fun drinking game, though, if you're a bit bored of having a working liver: shot every time you roll your eyes at this irritating, narcissistic turd of a protagonist. My favourite part is probably all the times our sweet Christian role model used the words "drop dead" when referring to people who hoped she might wave at them.
February 1, 2020
I'm happy this book exists, because watching Krimson Rogue destroy it on Youtube is a delight to behold. However, the book itself is nonsensical garbage, so you should avoid it at all costs, I can't think of a single redeeming feature of it :)
October 29, 2014
So the author sent me a message on The Reading Obsession (which, by the way, I don't post at anymore), with really bad grammar, asking me to read his book, which, he claimed was better than any classic I could find. There wasn't any offer of a free copy like authors usually offer, but I was still kind of interested in a book better than any classic ever, so I looked it up. It's five dollars on Amazon, and I don't usually pay more than three dollars, so of course I wasn't going to buy it. I read the sample, and I am actually surprised at how incredibly awful it was.
First off, I'd like to say that, while I do love perfect grammar and spelling, if it's a self-published book, I am a little more lenient. Empress Theresa, however, has not one or two little mistakes, but possibly hundreds. The author does not have a decent grasp of the English language, and this "novel" definitely needs an editor. Possibly several.
Theresa wasn't just slightly overconfident, in the first few chapters, she had already passed into the territory of a narcissist, constantly talking about how perfect she is. She complains incessantly, about how everyone likes her and is watching her. The best way I can describe her is in a math formula:
Theresa = (Every Mary Sue element smashed together into some awful combination)^3957
That's how far I got into the sample-just the sample- before I had to stop and have a head to desk connection. Instead of actually reviewing this excuse of a book, here are some pictures that sum up my feelings:
First off, I'd like to say that, while I do love perfect grammar and spelling, if it's a self-published book, I am a little more lenient. Empress Theresa, however, has not one or two little mistakes, but possibly hundreds. The author does not have a decent grasp of the English language, and this "novel" definitely needs an editor. Possibly several.
Theresa wasn't just slightly overconfident, in the first few chapters, she had already passed into the territory of a narcissist, constantly talking about how perfect she is. She complains incessantly, about how everyone likes her and is watching her. The best way I can describe her is in a math formula:
Theresa = (Every Mary Sue element smashed together into some awful combination)^3957
That's how far I got into the sample-just the sample- before I had to stop and have a head to desk connection. Instead of actually reviewing this excuse of a book, here are some pictures that sum up my feelings:
May 28, 2015
OK, I'll be honest about two things before I start this review. Firstly, I only read the sample chapters available on the author's website, and secondly, I only read it due to the author's bizarre behaviour.
There are soooo many things wrong with this book.Let's start with the first sentence. No, actually, that is a good place to start. First sentences are important. They're meant to draw you in. It's your first impression on a reader, and you need to start strong. This novel does not. I mean, you know it's a really bad sign when it begins with an author's note saying, 'This chapter sets up the story. The action will begin in Chapter four.' Why would it do this? Why not start with the action, and explain the backstory as you go along?
The actual first sentence is this: 'I’m Theresa, the only child of Edward and Elizabeth Sullivan, and I hope it’s not bragging to say I was cute as heck at age ten.' And? This doesn't pull me in. Theresa means nothing to me yet. Her parents don't mean anything. And since the story is about her when she is a young woman, it's irrelevant what she looked like aged ten. There's no sense of anything happening. It's just useless.
The only thing it's good for is demonstrating how unprofessional the rest of the novel will be. Nothing actually happens for twelve paragraphs, and the first bit of action we get is a fox walking towards Theresa. No. Start off slightly bigger than that. This book still hasn't actually dragged the reader in yet, because it's just Theresa rambling. There's a time and a place for that in a novel, and the opening really isn't it.
On top of that, four things managed to annoy me while reading her ramblings. Firstly, Scout from To Kill A Mockingbird doesn't really deal with 'simple issues'. Her story is about an alleged rape and racism, neither of which really strike me as 'simple issues'. Secondly, the phrase 'typical American girl'. Thirdly, these sentences- "I did things in places like Boston, New York City, the White House, London, the British Parliament, Israel, the Middle East, and North Korea. Everybody knows their political relationships to the United States." Boston and New York don't have political relationships with the United States, they are the United States. The British Parliament is in London, so it's wasteful saying it twice. Similarly, Israel is in the Middle East. This paragraph was a mess. And fourthly, the little self-satisfied rant about 'troubled girls'. I can't bear judgemental people, so already, I'm hating Theresa, who is supposed to be so good and likeable.
And like I said, the story hasn't even started yet.
It really doesn't get much better than that. The story begins with a 'white ball' from a fox going into her stomach, which doesn't even make any sense, and then the temperature gets really hot so the fire department arrive. The language is childish, and not in a good way. There are ways of showing a child's perspective while still writing well. This just comes across as very difficult to read, and extremely choppy and boring. There is no flow within the story, there's all these random events, and then it goes 'two days later, X happened.' Rather than reading it, you just find yourself scanning it, which does not make for fun reading. There's no sense of how the characters feel, or any sort of attempt at creating atmosphere. I guess if I was going to describe it as a food, it would be paper. Bland, boring and difficult to eat.
Then we get to this section, which was easily the worst written dialogue I've ever read in a novel claiming to be serious. Spoilered to save space.
Did anyone actually read that? No, because it's incredibly boring. I scanned it, which meant I was never quite lost in the words.
There are no 'saids' used in this section, which only works for so long. There are also only three descriptions of what the characters are doing. Other than that, it is just dialogue between two characters we don't know a huge pile about. No feeling, no emotion, nothing, just words. And it's not clever enough to rely on purely the words, it needs something more. Not to mention the fact that this is only half of that piece of dialogue, because even in the spoiler tag, it was just dragging on too long.
A stupid line in that bit of dialogue- Jan asks Theresa how big the 'white thing' is, and we are told she holds her hands out to indicate the size. But as we cannot actually see Theresa's hands, we as readers have no idea how big it is. I kind of feel like this should be obvious, as the author is not a two year old, but clearly it isn't.
Then we get to my personal favourite line- 'This was the most important interview since Moses came down the mountain'. Look, I get that it's supposed to be a religious book. But seriously, this seems a bit blasphemous to me, and I'm not religious at all. In fact, I blaspheme all the time, it's no bother to me, and yet even I can point out an issue in this bit. See, I'm fairly sure Jesus is supposed to have had some very important interviews in his time, but this book pretty much says that Theresa is more important than that. It's a bit dodgy for someone who claims to be as religious as the author, in my opinion. But like I said, I'm not religious, so who knows?
I'm not reviewing anymore of the book, though I have read more. I'm not arsed, because it is complete and utter shite. Even the cover is dire. I'm not going to even mention the quality of the picture, my biggest issue is the fact that the author mentions she is wearing her army clothes in it. And then says don't worry, she's only in the army for a chapter or two, so it doesn't really represent the novel. So why the fecking hell would you choose this as your cover??? You chose your own cover, why choose something that doesn't represent your book???
It's almost a pity this book is so bad, because the author had big dreams for it. He even has a study guide on his website, and mentions on comments to bad Amazon reviews that his novel is going to be a bestseller and a classic, studied in schools around America. No, it's not. It hasn't even got good grammar. He claims that the reason people don't like this book is because they're unintelligent or atheist, and that they're afraid of him. It's bizarre, to be honest.
If he had a bit of a smaller ego, then maybe he could have taken on board criticism, worked even harder, and had a novel worth reading by the end. But his obsessive and delusional belief that his novel is the greatest thing on earth is ruining him. An author should always think their book is just a little bit crap. It's what makes them work even harder, creating something even better. But since Norman Boutin is already convinced he's perfect, he will never get any better. It's a shame, cause he really needs to.
There are soooo many things wrong with this book.
The actual first sentence is this: 'I’m Theresa, the only child of Edward and Elizabeth Sullivan, and I hope it’s not bragging to say I was cute as heck at age ten.' And? This doesn't pull me in. Theresa means nothing to me yet. Her parents don't mean anything. And since the story is about her when she is a young woman, it's irrelevant what she looked like aged ten. There's no sense of anything happening. It's just useless.
The only thing it's good for is demonstrating how unprofessional the rest of the novel will be. Nothing actually happens for twelve paragraphs, and the first bit of action we get is a fox walking towards Theresa. No. Start off slightly bigger than that. This book still hasn't actually dragged the reader in yet, because it's just Theresa rambling. There's a time and a place for that in a novel, and the opening really isn't it.
On top of that, four things managed to annoy me while reading her ramblings. Firstly, Scout from To Kill A Mockingbird doesn't really deal with 'simple issues'. Her story is about an alleged rape and racism, neither of which really strike me as 'simple issues'. Secondly, the phrase 'typical American girl'. Thirdly, these sentences- "I did things in places like Boston, New York City, the White House, London, the British Parliament, Israel, the Middle East, and North Korea. Everybody knows their political relationships to the United States." Boston and New York don't have political relationships with the United States, they are the United States. The British Parliament is in London, so it's wasteful saying it twice. Similarly, Israel is in the Middle East. This paragraph was a mess. And fourthly, the little self-satisfied rant about 'troubled girls'. I can't bear judgemental people, so already, I'm hating Theresa, who is supposed to be so good and likeable.
And like I said, the story hasn't even started yet.
It really doesn't get much better than that. The story begins with a 'white ball' from a fox going into her stomach, which doesn't even make any sense, and then the temperature gets really hot so the fire department arrive. The language is childish, and not in a good way. There are ways of showing a child's perspective while still writing well. This just comes across as very difficult to read, and extremely choppy and boring. There is no flow within the story, there's all these random events, and then it goes 'two days later, X happened.' Rather than reading it, you just find yourself scanning it, which does not make for fun reading. There's no sense of how the characters feel, or any sort of attempt at creating atmosphere. I guess if I was going to describe it as a food, it would be paper. Bland, boring and difficult to eat.
Then we get to this section, which was easily the worst written dialogue I've ever read in a novel claiming to be serious. Spoilered to save space.
Did anyone actually read that? No, because it's incredibly boring. I scanned it, which meant I was never quite lost in the words.
There are no 'saids' used in this section, which only works for so long. There are also only three descriptions of what the characters are doing. Other than that, it is just dialogue between two characters we don't know a huge pile about. No feeling, no emotion, nothing, just words. And it's not clever enough to rely on purely the words, it needs something more. Not to mention the fact that this is only half of that piece of dialogue, because even in the spoiler tag, it was just dragging on too long.
A stupid line in that bit of dialogue- Jan asks Theresa how big the 'white thing' is, and we are told she holds her hands out to indicate the size. But as we cannot actually see Theresa's hands, we as readers have no idea how big it is. I kind of feel like this should be obvious, as the author is not a two year old, but clearly it isn't.
Then we get to my personal favourite line- 'This was the most important interview since Moses came down the mountain'. Look, I get that it's supposed to be a religious book. But seriously, this seems a bit blasphemous to me, and I'm not religious at all. In fact, I blaspheme all the time, it's no bother to me, and yet even I can point out an issue in this bit. See, I'm fairly sure Jesus is supposed to have had some very important interviews in his time, but this book pretty much says that Theresa is more important than that. It's a bit dodgy for someone who claims to be as religious as the author, in my opinion. But like I said, I'm not religious, so who knows?
I'm not reviewing anymore of the book, though I have read more. I'm not arsed, because it is complete and utter shite. Even the cover is dire. I'm not going to even mention the quality of the picture, my biggest issue is the fact that the author mentions she is wearing her army clothes in it. And then says don't worry, she's only in the army for a chapter or two, so it doesn't really represent the novel. So why the fecking hell would you choose this as your cover??? You chose your own cover, why choose something that doesn't represent your book???
It's almost a pity this book is so bad, because the author had big dreams for it. He even has a study guide on his website, and mentions on comments to bad Amazon reviews that his novel is going to be a bestseller and a classic, studied in schools around America. No, it's not. It hasn't even got good grammar. He claims that the reason people don't like this book is because they're unintelligent or atheist, and that they're afraid of him. It's bizarre, to be honest.
If he had a bit of a smaller ego, then maybe he could have taken on board criticism, worked even harder, and had a novel worth reading by the end. But his obsessive and delusional belief that his novel is the greatest thing on earth is ruining him. An author should always think their book is just a little bit crap. It's what makes them work even harder, creating something even better. But since Norman Boutin is already convinced he's perfect, he will never get any better. It's a shame, cause he really needs to.
gave-up-on
March 12, 2021They say don't judge a book by its cover. Believe me, judge this book by its cover.
February 22, 2021
This is a masterclass in anti-literature. Seriously; every single English or writing major of any kind MUST read this book. Possibly students of psychology too. It is beyond fascinatingly bad; this is boomer Wattpad fantasy of the creepiest, blandest, and most brain bogglingly and mind flayingly *wrong* kind. It's like eating an excruciatingly large bowl of long expired, knock off, plain cheerios and occasionally finding a rotting toe (and sometimes an entire foot!). When you think things can't get any worse in the story, they absolutely DO! The most delicious part of this abyss of brainworms is that it progressively deteriorates for around 400 agonizing pages and comes to a stunningly "what-the-fuck" conclusion.
I am here to preach the cute-as-heck gospel of Theresa. Literature fans rejoice; our antichrist is here!
I am here to preach the cute-as-heck gospel of Theresa. Literature fans rejoice; our antichrist is here!
May 24, 2020
I have never read anything that even comes close to the caliber of Empress Theresa. Like most people, I originally took interest in the book once I heard about its infamy in certain online circles, both in the quality of the book and the history of its author. Now I consider myself a connoisseur of Bad Books, and seeing that the Kindle book was only $3, I took the dive.
It is genuinely impossible to describe the experience of reading this book in full. Pages upon pages of technical jargon, no context of space or time, characters that make pieces of paper look robust and fully formed. This is not a book. This is a character study of Norman Boutin. His obsession with Theresa's perfection and beauty, often taking whole paragraphs, occasionally to describe in vivid detail how beloved she is by everyone and how beautiful her hair is and how perfect her breasts are is the kind of case that sexual psychoanalysts could only ever dream of getting there hands on.
This is only a fraction of the feelings that this book brings out of me. I think I could write my own book simply analyzing a documenting my time and experience with this novel. Empress Theresa has fundamentally changed who I am and how I look at literature.
I would never advice someone read this in its entirety, but if you must, know that I am on your side, God is on your side, and most importantly, Empress Theresa is on your side.
It is genuinely impossible to describe the experience of reading this book in full. Pages upon pages of technical jargon, no context of space or time, characters that make pieces of paper look robust and fully formed. This is not a book. This is a character study of Norman Boutin. His obsession with Theresa's perfection and beauty, often taking whole paragraphs, occasionally to describe in vivid detail how beloved she is by everyone and how beautiful her hair is and how perfect her breasts are is the kind of case that sexual psychoanalysts could only ever dream of getting there hands on.
This is only a fraction of the feelings that this book brings out of me. I think I could write my own book simply analyzing a documenting my time and experience with this novel. Empress Theresa has fundamentally changed who I am and how I look at literature.
I would never advice someone read this in its entirety, but if you must, know that I am on your side, God is on your side, and most importantly, Empress Theresa is on your side.
March 7, 2019
We all know this book as a meme. We all know the author as a meme. If you're like me, you are considering buying this book and reading it ironically. I'm here to give a balanced review of the book as a stand-alone artifact, removed from the bullshit politics surrounding it, so you can set your expectations appropriately as a reader.
=======================
A lot of the other reviews are viewing this book in the lens of literary criticism. To that I respond: there are multiple lenses through which you can consume a story. After reading a few pages it becomes very obvious that this book holds no real value as serious literature. The main character is a level 255 Mary Sue. There are no consistent themes (besides hamfisted religious subtext which serves only to reinforce the "Sueness" of the main character). The narrative itself isn't compelling on any deep level.
And yet, I can forgive all of this if the book is otherwise entertaining.
The problem is that it's boring as hell. At over 450 pages, this is is a serious problem. Below I will describe the major contributing factors that lead me to this verdict and how a similar kind of premise could be better (as schlock).
=======================
"Empress Theresa" is a story about how the titular Theresa is possessed by an extraterrestrial entity named HAL (yes... that HAL) and how she decides to leverage its superhuman abilities to make the world a better place. When you see this premise by itself, there are a few immediate expectations you might form:
(a) Theresa is forced into a situation where she must rapidly develop and learn to accept responsibility for a vast power she's obtained.
(b) The narrative will make some commentary on the nature of power, and the potential dangers of one person being able to affect worldwide affairs on a whim.
(c) The main character will be presented with difficult problems and will have to devise interesting, clever solutions to those problems.
Well, as I mentioned above, the character is a static, perfect entity (characters in the book literally refer to her as a "perfect person, incapable of improving in any way") and the novel has no long-term narrative objectives so we are left to find value in expectation (c). Indeed, the majority of this book is about how Theresa is given some variety of impossible tasks and is forced to use HAL to solve them. This is fine by itself and can be interesting, but the execution of this formula is ultimately the author's major failure.
The book is essentially a sequence of discrete episodes, with each episode having a common formula: Theresa encounters problem X, everybody tells Theresa that problem X has no solution, Theresa shocks everybody with solution Y. This is not an uncommon structure in literature: it is the structure of detective fiction, a genre I wholeheartedly enjoy. However, there are really only two ways to make this formula work:
(1) Place the reader in a position where they can actually solve the problem by themselves (often by leaving hints about the solution or by constraining the scenario in some way).
(2) Make solutions that are satisfying, ridiculous, or entertaining by themselves.
"Empress Theresa" largely fails at both of these tasks.
One of the biggest recurring issues of the book is that the reader never gets a clear description of HAL's abilities. HAL can stop the wind. HAL can lift earth. HAL can put people in comas. On top of this, Theresa has an extremely wide understanding of random topics, from archaeology, physics, mathematics, chemistry, and fluid mechanics. Do you know what happens when dark matter interacts with an hydrogen atom? Neither do I. This makes (1) impossible, since to us, the solution space for any problem is impossibly large. There's no way to narrow down what Theresa is going to do because we have no idea what HAL is capable of. There are no rules. Rules are required for any kind of mystery/puzzle story. Since we can't solve the problems ourselves, we just have to pray that the solutions she devises are at least interesting.
To make a long story short, they kind of are. The high point of the story for me was when she decides to pick up Jerusalem and place it in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. It's so stupid and silly that it's entertaining. There are other solutions that are weird and bizarre enough to make me interested. However, this is where the other critical failure of the book comes in: the pacing. The majority of the book is super rigorous about Theresa's solutions: every phone call she makes, every experiment she runs, and every specific instruction she sends HAL are described in excruciating detail. Any interest I may have had in a fun revelation is diluted amongst hundreds of words about the minutiae of tectonic plate behavior and oceanography. By the time the problem is actually solved I just don't care anymore. The combination of all these factors results in a reading experience that is just a slog from start to finish.
=======================
TL;DR The book has almost no entertainment value, even as schlock: it's not intellectually stimulating, it's not charming, and, worst of all, it's tedious. Would not recommend even as a meme.
=======================
A lot of the other reviews are viewing this book in the lens of literary criticism. To that I respond: there are multiple lenses through which you can consume a story. After reading a few pages it becomes very obvious that this book holds no real value as serious literature. The main character is a level 255 Mary Sue. There are no consistent themes (besides hamfisted religious subtext which serves only to reinforce the "Sueness" of the main character). The narrative itself isn't compelling on any deep level.
And yet, I can forgive all of this if the book is otherwise entertaining.
The problem is that it's boring as hell. At over 450 pages, this is is a serious problem. Below I will describe the major contributing factors that lead me to this verdict and how a similar kind of premise could be better (as schlock).
=======================
"Empress Theresa" is a story about how the titular Theresa is possessed by an extraterrestrial entity named HAL (yes... that HAL) and how she decides to leverage its superhuman abilities to make the world a better place. When you see this premise by itself, there are a few immediate expectations you might form:
(a) Theresa is forced into a situation where she must rapidly develop and learn to accept responsibility for a vast power she's obtained.
(b) The narrative will make some commentary on the nature of power, and the potential dangers of one person being able to affect worldwide affairs on a whim.
(c) The main character will be presented with difficult problems and will have to devise interesting, clever solutions to those problems.
Well, as I mentioned above, the character is a static, perfect entity (characters in the book literally refer to her as a "perfect person, incapable of improving in any way") and the novel has no long-term narrative objectives so we are left to find value in expectation (c). Indeed, the majority of this book is about how Theresa is given some variety of impossible tasks and is forced to use HAL to solve them. This is fine by itself and can be interesting, but the execution of this formula is ultimately the author's major failure.
The book is essentially a sequence of discrete episodes, with each episode having a common formula: Theresa encounters problem X, everybody tells Theresa that problem X has no solution, Theresa shocks everybody with solution Y. This is not an uncommon structure in literature: it is the structure of detective fiction, a genre I wholeheartedly enjoy. However, there are really only two ways to make this formula work:
(1) Place the reader in a position where they can actually solve the problem by themselves (often by leaving hints about the solution or by constraining the scenario in some way).
(2) Make solutions that are satisfying, ridiculous, or entertaining by themselves.
"Empress Theresa" largely fails at both of these tasks.
One of the biggest recurring issues of the book is that the reader never gets a clear description of HAL's abilities. HAL can stop the wind. HAL can lift earth. HAL can put people in comas. On top of this, Theresa has an extremely wide understanding of random topics, from archaeology, physics, mathematics, chemistry, and fluid mechanics. Do you know what happens when dark matter interacts with an hydrogen atom? Neither do I. This makes (1) impossible, since to us, the solution space for any problem is impossibly large. There's no way to narrow down what Theresa is going to do because we have no idea what HAL is capable of. There are no rules. Rules are required for any kind of mystery/puzzle story. Since we can't solve the problems ourselves, we just have to pray that the solutions she devises are at least interesting.
To make a long story short, they kind of are. The high point of the story for me was when she decides to pick up Jerusalem and place it in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. It's so stupid and silly that it's entertaining. There are other solutions that are weird and bizarre enough to make me interested. However, this is where the other critical failure of the book comes in: the pacing. The majority of the book is super rigorous about Theresa's solutions: every phone call she makes, every experiment she runs, and every specific instruction she sends HAL are described in excruciating detail. Any interest I may have had in a fun revelation is diluted amongst hundreds of words about the minutiae of tectonic plate behavior and oceanography. By the time the problem is actually solved I just don't care anymore. The combination of all these factors results in a reading experience that is just a slog from start to finish.
=======================
TL;DR The book has almost no entertainment value, even as schlock: it's not intellectually stimulating, it's not charming, and, worst of all, it's tedious. Would not recommend even as a meme.
September 3, 2017
I hardly ever write opinion pieces on this site, but I feel as if something simply must be said regarding Norman Boutin's truly horrible work 'Empress Theresa.' While I would never encourage people to give this author money for his book, I highly suggest checking out the multiple free chapters available on Boutin's site (see the bizarre, rambling description here on the book's Goodreads page for links to said samples). Beyond the cringe-worthy, childish prose and spelling errors lies a veritable mess of a narrative that all serves as a long-winded excuse for the author's gross obsession with a teenage girl and inane religious proselytizing all under the fascinatingly wrong-headed guise of a female empowerment piece. Even more strange is the story surrounding this book's publication and Boutin's penchant for constantly berating and arguing with online critics who dare call out his work for what it is. If you want to experience the worst that the medium of literature has to offer, look no further than 'Empress Theresa.'
May 30, 2024
This is the book equivalent of the boor at the bar who bloviates about topics he clearly knows nothing about and thinks whoever doesn't agree with him is simply stupid.
If you follow my reviews, you know I'm interested in terrible books. Not just Twilight bad, but Moon People or Maradonia and the Seven Bridges bad. I've watched Krimson Rogue's 7-hour opus magnus video series on Empress Theresa, but I couldn't properly consider myself a bad book connoisseur until I read it for myself. So I did, and oh my god.
Norman Boutin is a bad writer. Or was a bad writer; it's not like he's written anything before or after Empress Theresa, except his weird essay about Joan of Arc not suffering when she was burned at the stake because she died of smoke inhalation and heat before her body burned directly. All of his internet blatherings in defense of his book don't count. No, he wrote this one thing, declared it perfect and an eternal classic, and called it done. I've read much worse (much, much worse). Boutin has at least read books before, and Empress Theresa at least meets the basics of fiction writing that a high-school graduate should have. There were reportedly many grammatical and spelling errors in earlier versions, but I read the latest "September 2020" edition, which has gone through proofreading. Boutin is a big enough man to accept those were errors and fix them.
Other edits to the book since it's original published version are less comprehensible. One, acknowledged in the back matter, is an added line referring to The Hunger Games. The line doesn't add any value to the text that I can see, and I can only reason that it was added in response to some online argument Boutin was having that drew some point of comparison between the two titles. There's a page of material in chapter 2 about "trolls" and haters on social media in general that I think is Boutin's clapback to everyone lambasting his book. I would love to get an earlier edition to confirm this. I tried, ordering a copy from Thriftbooks, but it was the same edition. Since I now own two, I felt entirely comfortable annotating the one I read, something I have never done before. This book demanded it. Most of my annotations were along the lines of, "What?" or, "Whaaaat?" or, "That's not how that works," or, "She's a monster!"
Here's what makes Boutin a bad (one time) writer: whatever he meant to convey to the reader, about the characters, about HAL (the alien force Theresa controls), about anyone's understanding of things in-book, he didn't do that. What is told in Empress Theresa is completely at odds with what is actually shown. That, plus every solution provided the world's problems is stupid and utterly disastrous. That, plus the grating, smarmy tone of the writing. That, plus the way the author manages to take a story that takes place on an epic scale, with vast, literal world-changing actions, and makes it boring. When it's not being bafflingly wrong about everything, it's being painfully and utterly boring.
The book says that Theresa is amazing, smart, moral, beloved and wise. The book shows that Theresa is abhorrent, petty, careless, thoughtless, and conceited. Also racist. She wreaks untold damage and expects universal praise and obedience. Anyone who doesn't love her and agree with her can "drop dead," in her own words uttered many times. She unironically rates her own impact as greater than Hitler's. And she gets away with it because all the other characters are simps for her, and monsters in their own right. The only way the book is possibly redeemable would be if Theresa was meant to be an unreliable narrator, and the reader was meant to understand her as a force for chaos and destruction, but there is less than zero indication that this is the case. Everything in-text, and everything the author has spouted online in defence of his book, is that Theresa is meant to be a flawless Catholic icon and the greatest human ever to exist.
The plot is unbearable. The early chapters recount Theresa's early life, supposedly crafting how she came to be so flawless and uniquely able to overcome all the world's challenges. Those challenges then become the rest of the story, a series of world-threatening moments to showcase Theresa's amazing intellect, forethought, and creativity. It's impossible to convey how absurdly terrible a job she does at every turn within the Goodreads review character limits, how nonsensical and destructive everything she does should actually be, how every problem she "solves" is a problem of her own making, how everyone in the world should rightfully despise her for her actions and the suffering they would cause in any realistic scenario. Even accepting the basics of the story's setup, even accepting the supposed understanding of events that characters are led to, which do not all follow reasonably from anything that was shown before, none of the actions taken later make a lick of sense. The entire book is this gif personified:
Atmospheric science, geology, economics, sociology, politics, international relations, atomic physics: ALL OF IT IS WRONG. But Boutin thinks it is right and that he has a crafted a creative "what if" story that illustrates the human ideal and showcases his brilliant solutions to world issues, like North Korea and Middle-East politics, if only someone had unlimited power. He thinks his book should be held in higher regard than many classics of literature. He thinks Empress Theresa should be taught in schools and every teenager should read this book. I think he's right: I think this book should be held up widely, as an example of what not to do. I think Boston University (which Theresa and her husband Steve attended for one year, during which they clearly learned everything they would ever need to know because clearly, as anyone who has ever met someone who has completed one year of undergraduate study knows, they know everything!) should endow a Chair of Norman Boutin Studies, because to fully dissect everything this book gets wrong and everything the author has said online about it would require multiple PhD theses in literature and psychology.
The character is a crystal-clear self-insert for the author. Theresa isn't an 18-year old girl despite the text's assertion; she's a narcissistic 60-year old man who watches too much cable news. The books and movies and points of history cited are nothing she ever read or watched, they're what Boutin did. Theresa's racism is the author's racism. Theresa's discovery of Joan of Arc's remains is a huge deal because Boutin has a fixation on Joan of Arc. Theresa doesn't live in the 2010s which the book's occasional insertion of cell phones, social media, and The Hunger Games requires; she lives in the 1990s at best, dependent on wired telephones, broadcast television, written letters, and videotape.
As terrible as this book is, it's only half the story. The other half is the author's legendary unending online defence of the book, in writing craft forums, Catholic discussion forums (from which he got himself banned), Amazon review comments back when such things were allowed (search YouTube for "Empress Theresa down the rabbit hole" if you must), on Goodreads, Twitter, lousybookcovers.com, and Crom only knows where else. But the best of all was Boutin's own website, sadly now defunct but here's a peak through the Wayback Machine: https://web.archive.org/web/202112290...
For those not interested in clicking, here's a sample screenshot:
On the main page he kept a running tally of sales to date. They were at almost 2000 the last time I checked. If there is a book that tops this in ironic sales I would love to hear of it. Did you catch the part above where Boutin has been "writing letters to public high schools" urging them to have students read his book?
I leave you with the full Empress Theresa cover gallery:
See how much better the artist (coincidentally also the author) has gotten? Wait a minute, what the hell are those?
And for a final cap-off, here is the Google Books description for this title, in all its unhinged glory. This is classic unedited Boutin:
If you follow my reviews, you know I'm interested in terrible books. Not just Twilight bad, but Moon People or Maradonia and the Seven Bridges bad. I've watched Krimson Rogue's 7-hour opus magnus video series on Empress Theresa, but I couldn't properly consider myself a bad book connoisseur until I read it for myself. So I did, and oh my god.
Norman Boutin is a bad writer. Or was a bad writer; it's not like he's written anything before or after Empress Theresa, except his weird essay about Joan of Arc not suffering when she was burned at the stake because she died of smoke inhalation and heat before her body burned directly. All of his internet blatherings in defense of his book don't count. No, he wrote this one thing, declared it perfect and an eternal classic, and called it done. I've read much worse (much, much worse). Boutin has at least read books before, and Empress Theresa at least meets the basics of fiction writing that a high-school graduate should have. There were reportedly many grammatical and spelling errors in earlier versions, but I read the latest "September 2020" edition, which has gone through proofreading. Boutin is a big enough man to accept those were errors and fix them.
Other edits to the book since it's original published version are less comprehensible. One, acknowledged in the back matter, is an added line referring to The Hunger Games. The line doesn't add any value to the text that I can see, and I can only reason that it was added in response to some online argument Boutin was having that drew some point of comparison between the two titles. There's a page of material in chapter 2 about "trolls" and haters on social media in general that I think is Boutin's clapback to everyone lambasting his book. I would love to get an earlier edition to confirm this. I tried, ordering a copy from Thriftbooks, but it was the same edition. Since I now own two, I felt entirely comfortable annotating the one I read, something I have never done before. This book demanded it. Most of my annotations were along the lines of, "What?" or, "Whaaaat?" or, "That's not how that works," or, "She's a monster!"
Here's what makes Boutin a bad (one time) writer: whatever he meant to convey to the reader, about the characters, about HAL (the alien force Theresa controls), about anyone's understanding of things in-book, he didn't do that. What is told in Empress Theresa is completely at odds with what is actually shown. That, plus every solution provided the world's problems is stupid and utterly disastrous. That, plus the grating, smarmy tone of the writing. That, plus the way the author manages to take a story that takes place on an epic scale, with vast, literal world-changing actions, and makes it boring. When it's not being bafflingly wrong about everything, it's being painfully and utterly boring.
The book says that Theresa is amazing, smart, moral, beloved and wise. The book shows that Theresa is abhorrent, petty, careless, thoughtless, and conceited. Also racist. She wreaks untold damage and expects universal praise and obedience. Anyone who doesn't love her and agree with her can "drop dead," in her own words uttered many times. She unironically rates her own impact as greater than Hitler's. And she gets away with it because all the other characters are simps for her, and monsters in their own right. The only way the book is possibly redeemable would be if Theresa was meant to be an unreliable narrator, and the reader was meant to understand her as a force for chaos and destruction, but there is less than zero indication that this is the case. Everything in-text, and everything the author has spouted online in defence of his book, is that Theresa is meant to be a flawless Catholic icon and the greatest human ever to exist.
The plot is unbearable. The early chapters recount Theresa's early life, supposedly crafting how she came to be so flawless and uniquely able to overcome all the world's challenges. Those challenges then become the rest of the story, a series of world-threatening moments to showcase Theresa's amazing intellect, forethought, and creativity. It's impossible to convey how absurdly terrible a job she does at every turn within the Goodreads review character limits, how nonsensical and destructive everything she does should actually be, how every problem she "solves" is a problem of her own making, how everyone in the world should rightfully despise her for her actions and the suffering they would cause in any realistic scenario. Even accepting the basics of the story's setup, even accepting the supposed understanding of events that characters are led to, which do not all follow reasonably from anything that was shown before, none of the actions taken later make a lick of sense. The entire book is this gif personified:
Atmospheric science, geology, economics, sociology, politics, international relations, atomic physics: ALL OF IT IS WRONG. But Boutin thinks it is right and that he has a crafted a creative "what if" story that illustrates the human ideal and showcases his brilliant solutions to world issues, like North Korea and Middle-East politics, if only someone had unlimited power. He thinks his book should be held in higher regard than many classics of literature. He thinks Empress Theresa should be taught in schools and every teenager should read this book. I think he's right: I think this book should be held up widely, as an example of what not to do. I think Boston University (which Theresa and her husband Steve attended for one year, during which they clearly learned everything they would ever need to know because clearly, as anyone who has ever met someone who has completed one year of undergraduate study knows, they know everything!) should endow a Chair of Norman Boutin Studies, because to fully dissect everything this book gets wrong and everything the author has said online about it would require multiple PhD theses in literature and psychology.
The character is a crystal-clear self-insert for the author. Theresa isn't an 18-year old girl despite the text's assertion; she's a narcissistic 60-year old man who watches too much cable news. The books and movies and points of history cited are nothing she ever read or watched, they're what Boutin did. Theresa's racism is the author's racism. Theresa's discovery of Joan of Arc's remains is a huge deal because Boutin has a fixation on Joan of Arc. Theresa doesn't live in the 2010s which the book's occasional insertion of cell phones, social media, and The Hunger Games requires; she lives in the 1990s at best, dependent on wired telephones, broadcast television, written letters, and videotape.
As terrible as this book is, it's only half the story. The other half is the author's legendary unending online defence of the book, in writing craft forums, Catholic discussion forums (from which he got himself banned), Amazon review comments back when such things were allowed (search YouTube for "Empress Theresa down the rabbit hole" if you must), on Goodreads, Twitter, lousybookcovers.com, and Crom only knows where else. But the best of all was Boutin's own website, sadly now defunct but here's a peak through the Wayback Machine: https://web.archive.org/web/202112290...
For those not interested in clicking, here's a sample screenshot:
On the main page he kept a running tally of sales to date. They were at almost 2000 the last time I checked. If there is a book that tops this in ironic sales I would love to hear of it. Did you catch the part above where Boutin has been "writing letters to public high schools" urging them to have students read his book?
I leave you with the full Empress Theresa cover gallery:
See how much better the artist (coincidentally also the author) has gotten? Wait a minute, what the hell are those?
And for a final cap-off, here is the Google Books description for this title, in all its unhinged glory. This is classic unedited Boutin:
[ SALES TO DATE: 1,161 ] ...........Looking for a sweet little story about a quiet teenage girl? This is not your day!.,,,,,, "Staying alive for me is like surviving a train wreck" ☹️ says nineteen year old Theresa in chapter 22..... "This is the most stupid thing ever done. 🤬 I'm glad I won't be here to see what happens" says eighteen year old Theresa in chapter 4 when she thinks the U.S. government will execute her in a few minutes.......The intellect and the emotions are in constant struggle 👺 for control of the person. In Theresa's case, the intellect wins. 😁 ..... ( IT'S INTERESTING THAT OUT OF THE FIRST -*NINETY-FIVE*- ..YES 95 !!!.., ONE-STAR REVIEWERS, ONLY -*ELEVEN*- ACTUALLY READ THE BOOK AS INDICATED BY AMAZON'S ' Verified Purchase' FLAG. WHY ARE THEY HERE? READ ON. ).......Theresa is a star baseball pitcher in high school. Internet trolls viciously attack her on the internet. A teacher tells Theresa why they do that, and she understands.............. "I saw why the trolls were angry. They knew they couldn't go where I was going. I'd have a good life. They wouldn't.".........If I had intended to write a story that the internet trolls would hate, I couldn't have done better than Empress Theresa. It's a natural internet troll target...........How many stories can make you feel good? Can you think of any? Add Empress Theresa to the list...................In chapter 1, ten year old Theresa admits she doesn't have a clue about anything, but nine years later she confidently says, "I can do anything". "How did I come so far?" she asks herself, and considers a list of influences on her life. She had good parents and family support, she had natural gifts of beauty and intelligence, she has a good, loyal husband, but the most important influence are her own actions. ... "I'm very simple. I follow my conscience. I am what I do." ........What's in Empress Theresa?....... Violence, shootings, bombings? No. Foul language? No. Car chases? No. Sex scenes? No. Marital infidelity? No. Suicide? No. Drugs, alcohol? No. Mystery, crime? No. ........Mysterious events? Yes. "Impossible problems" solved? Yes. Stupid, greedy adversaries? Yes. Teenage ingenuity? Yes. Love and friendship? Yes. Pet chipmunks? Yes. Courage? Yes. Heroism? Yes. Fame and fortune? Yes. U.S. President, British Prime Minister, Israeli Prime Minister? Yes. Global crises? Yes. Political situations? Yes. Philosophical remarks? Yes. Heartwarming scenes? Yes........Can a teenage girl be trusted with limitless power? We'll see.............Of what is Theresa the empress? She's empress of her internal self, described by Henry David Thoreau as 'a realm besides which the empire of the Czar is a petty state', a land too vast to be explored in a lifetime. Theresa rules her inner self.....A teenage Catholic girl from Massachusetts acquires limitless power over the whole world...What will she do with it?....What would you do with it?....On page two, Theresa sums up the human situation in a single sentence: "We're lost in this confusing world unless we follow the directions of its Maker." Theresa figures it all out and changes the world. 😀❤️ 🙋♀
January 11, 2020
I want to fucking kill myself, holy shit
nein-nein-nein
July 20, 2021Fun drinking game: take a shot of vodka every time this book makes you want to stab your eyes out. But oh wait, that will definitely give you alcohol poisoning and you'll die.
So instead, take a shot of water! Then you can have a fun drinking game AND stay hydrated!
Wait, no, you'll just die of water intoxication instead.
So instead, take a shot of water! Then you can have a fun drinking game AND stay hydrated!
Wait, no, you'll just die of water intoxication instead.
Read
March 14, 2020Sometimes I find such weird sh*t on goodreads...
September 3, 2020
There needs to be a badge for actually reading this whole book.
August 26, 2020
I went into this knowing that this book was dubious at best, but I gave it the benefit of the doubt. The internet loves controversy, and the author did nothing but stir the pot. But as for the book...
Oh my god this is the worst thing I’ve ever read. It’s actually fascinating. There are basic, elementary concepts, that are factually wrong. Ideas are introduced then abandoned. There is no plot. Characters aren’t characters. Dialogue is stilted and there are practically no descriptions for anything.
The “plot” is that a girl named Theresa gets poorly defined superpowers when she encounters a fox who shoots an alien space monster into her stomach in a scene flushed with creepy undertones. From here she uses her new abilities for self gain and evil while everyone she encounters gushes over how good she is, despite doing clearly evil and selfish things with the alien.
Theresa is the biggest issue this book has. She is described, at length, as being a “good girl” and the author makes sure to reiterate that she is a “good girl” on almost every page. Not through actions, but by out and out saying “she’s a good girl.” Her actions paint her as a narcissistic and evil woman with stunted emotional and moral growth. She puts people into danger constantly, possibly getting them killed, she dooms the world and plays victim and while she’s dooming the world and people are starving, she takes a vacation because she is tired of helping. Anyone who calls her out is deemed an antagonist by the book, to the point she practically holds someone hostage because they spoke out against her for ruining the world’s economy by creating gold and and making everyone “rich.”
Theresa is possibly the most dim witted protagonist I’ve ever seen. Now this can work, as long as a less than intelligent protagonist has a good support ensemble. Theresa does not. There is not a single intelligent character in this book. Everyone is supremely unintelligent. “Experts” consistently get basic, sometimes elementary, concepts wrong in their respective fields. From how weather works, to medicine to even firefighters. Everything is wrong. At one point, doctors try to revive Theresa after she’s been DEAD FOR TWO WEEKS. And they believe her husband when he tells them that she has an alien monster inside her. Then there is the big interview where Theresa is trying to explain what HAL, her alien, is. Up until this point Theresa has barely been able to form coherent sentences, often relying on simple one word replies, but goes on at length about HAL being made of dark matter and tries to explain what dark matter is, and she contradicts her self sometimes paragraphs apart. No one calls her out, everyone just accepts it without a shred of evidence.
Then there is HAL. Described as an alien on one page, then not an alien on another. He arrives on earth and, according to Theresa, saw her mother raking leaves and thought the rake was an extra appendage, then chooses Theresa because she must be special with this line “don’t you see, HAL could have been here a hundred million years, but he never saw anyone raking leaves before!” It would take us hours to unpack everything wrong with that line, but you are smart so we don’t have to. HAL gives Theresa powers based on external stimuli. She’s trying to bend something, give her boosted strength. This concept is interesting and would work. What would happen if someone exceptionally unintelligent gets super powers? But HAL also randomly gives Theresa various other powers despite her claiming that HAL ONLY gives her powers based on what she needs. She randomly gets a targeting reticule in her vision, which she uses for self gain, and bestows upon her the ability to generate huge amounts of heat, that appears for one chapter then is seemingly forgotten about. HAL is a deus ex machine in a personified form. He only exists to create and then solve situations in the novel, in the most contrived ways possible.
I could spend hours of your time telling you why this book just doesn’t work. I’m not joking when I say that EVERY PARAGRAPH, has elements that are wrong. But here is the thing. I recommend you read this book. This is the purest, most undiluted example, of how not to write. Both from the novel standpoint, and how to conduct yourself as an author. This book is fascinating in just how wrong it is. I’ve read it 3 times. First out of morbid curiosity. Then 2 more just trying to comprehend what I was reading. Each time, I found new things I hadn’t noticed before. Like I must have blacked out while reading the part where the author insists that this 17 year old is super sexy and gets married so she can “do it.” As good catholic girls do, naturally. This book is full of creepy undertones. Theresa is over sexualized frequently. “My cleavage charmed the crowd.” Said the maybe 17 year old.
But does this book cross into the so-bad-it’s-good, zone. Is it like the movie “The Room?” Where it’s so bad that it’s actually entertaining? No. It starts out that way. It starts out so fascinatingly terrible, but then after chapter 4, it just grinds to an absolute halt. Entire sections become meaningless filler.
All that being said. Yes, I still do recommend you read this book. Don’t give the author money, oh hell no. But if you find it abandoned on a park bench somewhere or laying in a dumpster, or someone desperately tries to give it to you because it’s brought pestilence upon their home, then yes. Then give it a read.
Oh my god this is the worst thing I’ve ever read. It’s actually fascinating. There are basic, elementary concepts, that are factually wrong. Ideas are introduced then abandoned. There is no plot. Characters aren’t characters. Dialogue is stilted and there are practically no descriptions for anything.
The “plot” is that a girl named Theresa gets poorly defined superpowers when she encounters a fox who shoots an alien space monster into her stomach in a scene flushed with creepy undertones. From here she uses her new abilities for self gain and evil while everyone she encounters gushes over how good she is, despite doing clearly evil and selfish things with the alien.
Theresa is the biggest issue this book has. She is described, at length, as being a “good girl” and the author makes sure to reiterate that she is a “good girl” on almost every page. Not through actions, but by out and out saying “she’s a good girl.” Her actions paint her as a narcissistic and evil woman with stunted emotional and moral growth. She puts people into danger constantly, possibly getting them killed, she dooms the world and plays victim and while she’s dooming the world and people are starving, she takes a vacation because she is tired of helping. Anyone who calls her out is deemed an antagonist by the book, to the point she practically holds someone hostage because they spoke out against her for ruining the world’s economy by creating gold and and making everyone “rich.”
Theresa is possibly the most dim witted protagonist I’ve ever seen. Now this can work, as long as a less than intelligent protagonist has a good support ensemble. Theresa does not. There is not a single intelligent character in this book. Everyone is supremely unintelligent. “Experts” consistently get basic, sometimes elementary, concepts wrong in their respective fields. From how weather works, to medicine to even firefighters. Everything is wrong. At one point, doctors try to revive Theresa after she’s been DEAD FOR TWO WEEKS. And they believe her husband when he tells them that she has an alien monster inside her. Then there is the big interview where Theresa is trying to explain what HAL, her alien, is. Up until this point Theresa has barely been able to form coherent sentences, often relying on simple one word replies, but goes on at length about HAL being made of dark matter and tries to explain what dark matter is, and she contradicts her self sometimes paragraphs apart. No one calls her out, everyone just accepts it without a shred of evidence.
Then there is HAL. Described as an alien on one page, then not an alien on another. He arrives on earth and, according to Theresa, saw her mother raking leaves and thought the rake was an extra appendage, then chooses Theresa because she must be special with this line “don’t you see, HAL could have been here a hundred million years, but he never saw anyone raking leaves before!” It would take us hours to unpack everything wrong with that line, but you are smart so we don’t have to. HAL gives Theresa powers based on external stimuli. She’s trying to bend something, give her boosted strength. This concept is interesting and would work. What would happen if someone exceptionally unintelligent gets super powers? But HAL also randomly gives Theresa various other powers despite her claiming that HAL ONLY gives her powers based on what she needs. She randomly gets a targeting reticule in her vision, which she uses for self gain, and bestows upon her the ability to generate huge amounts of heat, that appears for one chapter then is seemingly forgotten about. HAL is a deus ex machine in a personified form. He only exists to create and then solve situations in the novel, in the most contrived ways possible.
I could spend hours of your time telling you why this book just doesn’t work. I’m not joking when I say that EVERY PARAGRAPH, has elements that are wrong. But here is the thing. I recommend you read this book. This is the purest, most undiluted example, of how not to write. Both from the novel standpoint, and how to conduct yourself as an author. This book is fascinating in just how wrong it is. I’ve read it 3 times. First out of morbid curiosity. Then 2 more just trying to comprehend what I was reading. Each time, I found new things I hadn’t noticed before. Like I must have blacked out while reading the part where the author insists that this 17 year old is super sexy and gets married so she can “do it.” As good catholic girls do, naturally. This book is full of creepy undertones. Theresa is over sexualized frequently. “My cleavage charmed the crowd.” Said the maybe 17 year old.
But does this book cross into the so-bad-it’s-good, zone. Is it like the movie “The Room?” Where it’s so bad that it’s actually entertaining? No. It starts out that way. It starts out so fascinatingly terrible, but then after chapter 4, it just grinds to an absolute halt. Entire sections become meaningless filler.
All that being said. Yes, I still do recommend you read this book. Don’t give the author money, oh hell no. But if you find it abandoned on a park bench somewhere or laying in a dumpster, or someone desperately tries to give it to you because it’s brought pestilence upon their home, then yes. Then give it a read.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 6, 2020
I've watched Fredrik Knudsen and KrimsonRogue reviewing it and read some bits and pieces available online and I can attest that this is the worst book of all time in all the good and bad ways.
It would have been brilliant and enjoyable if "Empress Theresa" was a movie by Neil Breen. But as a written and printed-out novel with the intention of this and its author being taken seriously, this is just bad.
The full embellishment of scenes, dialogues and descriptions, that easily could have been shortened or completely left out, makes the plot dull and forgettable for the most parts. In fact, the hybris of Norman himself and his disturbed relationship to criticism outshines his own work.
I give Norman a "You've tried at least" star. He failed miserably as a writer and is overall an awful individual, but he gave us something special.
It would have been brilliant and enjoyable if "Empress Theresa" was a movie by Neil Breen. But as a written and printed-out novel with the intention of this and its author being taken seriously, this is just bad.
The full embellishment of scenes, dialogues and descriptions, that easily could have been shortened or completely left out, makes the plot dull and forgettable for the most parts. In fact, the hybris of Norman himself and his disturbed relationship to criticism outshines his own work.
I give Norman a "You've tried at least" star. He failed miserably as a writer and is overall an awful individual, but he gave us something special.
January 16, 2020
I had to give one star because Goodreads won't allow zero stars or negative integers. What is bad about this novel is that A) it's overlong by at least one-hundred and fifty pages; B) it's got poorly constructed sentences and lots of punctuation and grammatical mistakes; C) the characters are nothing more than cardboard cutouts.
Ex: Having the main character say she was cute as heck in the opening sentence and her character never changes. She's all-powerful, given that power by an alien (or so we think) presence...and she calls it HAL? Theresa is all-wise, practically omniscient...(yes, ellipses)...in short, she's perfect. And if a character is perfect and doesn't change for any reason--good or bad--during the course of the novel, what's the point? Even if they take a turn to the Dark Side, at least they changed.
There are other instances of the author saying repeatedly that Theresa is a good Catholic girl. Not that I'm an expert on Catholicism, but having Theresa dress provocatively and flirt with another guy to make her boyfriend mad--that doesn't sound like being a good Catholic to me, although I could be wrong.
This is one of these DNF efforts. It's not just fan-fiction, IMO, but BAD fan-fiction. The author has gained notoriety mainly by arguing against anyone and everyone who didnt like the book. Arguing with reviewers is a sure way to get readers to lose interest in a novel, and it's a cardinal sin for the writer to do so. Hopefully, the author has learned not to do that.
I really can't recommend this book to anyone. It's simply not good, IMO, for anyone of any age.
Ex: Having the main character say she was cute as heck in the opening sentence and her character never changes. She's all-powerful, given that power by an alien (or so we think) presence...and she calls it HAL? Theresa is all-wise, practically omniscient...(yes, ellipses)...in short, she's perfect. And if a character is perfect and doesn't change for any reason--good or bad--during the course of the novel, what's the point? Even if they take a turn to the Dark Side, at least they changed.
There are other instances of the author saying repeatedly that Theresa is a good Catholic girl. Not that I'm an expert on Catholicism, but having Theresa dress provocatively and flirt with another guy to make her boyfriend mad--that doesn't sound like being a good Catholic to me, although I could be wrong.
This is one of these DNF efforts. It's not just fan-fiction, IMO, but BAD fan-fiction. The author has gained notoriety mainly by arguing against anyone and everyone who didnt like the book. Arguing with reviewers is a sure way to get readers to lose interest in a novel, and it's a cardinal sin for the writer to do so. Hopefully, the author has learned not to do that.
I really can't recommend this book to anyone. It's simply not good, IMO, for anyone of any age.
November 22, 2020
What's there to say about this that hasn't already been said? All I know is that the author to this day is still defending himself on Amazon and Twitter and calling out "trolls" who don't believe that Empress Theresa is the greatest book of all time. The man himself is unapproachable and is incapable of having a decent conversation with anyone.
But since this is a book review and not an author review, let's talk a little about the writing itself. I'll keep this brief. Empress Theresa is one of the least likable or relatable characters at all time. Everything in this book revolves around her. She is an annoying, belligerent, callous, deceitful, egotistical, foolish, garish, hypocritical, ignorant, jeering, klutzy, lying, maniacal, nasty, obtuse, pitiless, quarrelsome, reckless, selfish, tyrannical, uncaring, vapid, worthless, xenophobic, and yellow zealot who expects the world to worship not only the ground she walks on, but the air she breathes.
All of the other characters are undeveloped flat caricatures wishing only to praise Theresa. The plot makes no sense. The dialogue is so unnatural that it sounds like Norman talking instead of anyone else. The prose is really telly, and not interesting to read. In short, avoid this garbage like your life depended on it (Probably because it does).
But since this is a book review and not an author review, let's talk a little about the writing itself. I'll keep this brief. Empress Theresa is one of the least likable or relatable characters at all time. Everything in this book revolves around her. She is an annoying, belligerent, callous, deceitful, egotistical, foolish, garish, hypocritical, ignorant, jeering, klutzy, lying, maniacal, nasty, obtuse, pitiless, quarrelsome, reckless, selfish, tyrannical, uncaring, vapid, worthless, xenophobic, and yellow zealot who expects the world to worship not only the ground she walks on, but the air she breathes.
All of the other characters are undeveloped flat caricatures wishing only to praise Theresa. The plot makes no sense. The dialogue is so unnatural that it sounds like Norman talking instead of anyone else. The prose is really telly, and not interesting to read. In short, avoid this garbage like your life depended on it (Probably because it does).
November 29, 2018
Becomes a lot more interesting if you read it with that chapter one 'schizophrenia' comment in mind
March 15, 2019
Empress Theresa: An Adventure in Illiteracy…
Can you give a book zero stars?
Characters:
They are all thin, human-shaped, cardboard cut-outs that speak and act like emotionless robots. The “attempts” at emotion is either bland, cringe inducing, boring, or outright hilarious at how badly they express what the actor is feeling.
There is Absolutely ZERO character development in this, each robot walks onto the stage feeling and acting one way and they leave the stage at the end feeling and acting the same way. Nobody learns anything, nobody changes through adversity, this isn’t a novel, it’s a 400+ page Sermon about how you should act and what you should believe. 1/5: No Cowbell detected, needs a lot more.
Plot:
There is none… This burning dumpster-fire is a laundry list of things that Mrs. Mary Sue perfect does and is basically a 100,000 word sermon on the merits of a pure life and Catholicism. I could go so far as to say that this is a thinly veiled fetish piece of religious erotica modeled after Joan of Arc, but that would be giving it WAY too much credit. It’s more along the lines of a female Jesus… which is even odder.
It’s essentially; girl gets mysterious powers and the government tries to do things while she reacts and fucks up the world in the process. A Tom Clancy novel this is not, although it TRIES to include elements of a spy novel; all with hilarious and cringy results that were Mr. Clancy alive would have him in fits of rage to see it. 1/5: Some Cowbell here and there, needs a lot more.
World-Building:
There is almost zero world-building throughout. Conversations seem as though they are disembodied voices floating in a dark void. When a scene is bothered to be described or set up at all, it is a short one or two sentence blurb giving the absolute minimum amount of information. Which is usually not even relevant to the scene at hand.
Large sections are spent describing things that have no meaning and go nowhere. This coupled with the pacing and flow issues makes the reader lost and confused more times than not.
Structure:
This is a first person novel of a female character written by a male, not a bad thing nor should it be held against it, but the fact that she talks about her body a lot and certain other things makes it a little creepy. That and the fact that the author clearly doesn’t have any idea of how a teenager thinks, let alone a 10-19 year old girl, and you begin to understand the level if cringe and believability throughout.
The author has also demonstrated that he doesn’t know the difference between ‘Narrative’ and ‘Narration’ within the comments section in response to other reviews. So, you can imagine then why the books structured narrative is completely nonexistent. There is nothing that really drives the story other than “because’ which makes the reactions of those involved seem wooden and unrealistic.
Nit Picks:
Spelling and Grammar… Seriously, how hard is it to edit your work or even run it through a basic word processor? There are a host of FREE programs that will gleefully point out almost every error I came across in this book. Short, choppy, and unconnected sentences are pieced together form the most painful paragraphs my eyes have ever had to scrape across. If literature had an allegory for water boarding or eating glass, this would be it; I may even contact a couple Senators to see if they could stock Guantanamo with this.
Preachier than Jesus… I think even the Lamb of God might find this book offensive in one way or another. Not for its CLEAR religious undertones, but in the ham-fisted way they are inserted and dealt with, and the SMUG tone that is conveyed while doing so.
Can you give a book zero stars?
Characters:
They are all thin, human-shaped, cardboard cut-outs that speak and act like emotionless robots. The “attempts” at emotion is either bland, cringe inducing, boring, or outright hilarious at how badly they express what the actor is feeling.
There is Absolutely ZERO character development in this, each robot walks onto the stage feeling and acting one way and they leave the stage at the end feeling and acting the same way. Nobody learns anything, nobody changes through adversity, this isn’t a novel, it’s a 400+ page Sermon about how you should act and what you should believe. 1/5: No Cowbell detected, needs a lot more.
Plot:
There is none… This burning dumpster-fire is a laundry list of things that Mrs. Mary Sue perfect does and is basically a 100,000 word sermon on the merits of a pure life and Catholicism. I could go so far as to say that this is a thinly veiled fetish piece of religious erotica modeled after Joan of Arc, but that would be giving it WAY too much credit. It’s more along the lines of a female Jesus… which is even odder.
It’s essentially; girl gets mysterious powers and the government tries to do things while she reacts and fucks up the world in the process. A Tom Clancy novel this is not, although it TRIES to include elements of a spy novel; all with hilarious and cringy results that were Mr. Clancy alive would have him in fits of rage to see it. 1/5: Some Cowbell here and there, needs a lot more.
World-Building:
There is almost zero world-building throughout. Conversations seem as though they are disembodied voices floating in a dark void. When a scene is bothered to be described or set up at all, it is a short one or two sentence blurb giving the absolute minimum amount of information. Which is usually not even relevant to the scene at hand.
Large sections are spent describing things that have no meaning and go nowhere. This coupled with the pacing and flow issues makes the reader lost and confused more times than not.
Structure:
This is a first person novel of a female character written by a male, not a bad thing nor should it be held against it, but the fact that she talks about her body a lot and certain other things makes it a little creepy. That and the fact that the author clearly doesn’t have any idea of how a teenager thinks, let alone a 10-19 year old girl, and you begin to understand the level if cringe and believability throughout.
The author has also demonstrated that he doesn’t know the difference between ‘Narrative’ and ‘Narration’ within the comments section in response to other reviews. So, you can imagine then why the books structured narrative is completely nonexistent. There is nothing that really drives the story other than “because’ which makes the reactions of those involved seem wooden and unrealistic.
Nit Picks:
Spelling and Grammar… Seriously, how hard is it to edit your work or even run it through a basic word processor? There are a host of FREE programs that will gleefully point out almost every error I came across in this book. Short, choppy, and unconnected sentences are pieced together form the most painful paragraphs my eyes have ever had to scrape across. If literature had an allegory for water boarding or eating glass, this would be it; I may even contact a couple Senators to see if they could stock Guantanamo with this.
Preachier than Jesus… I think even the Lamb of God might find this book offensive in one way or another. Not for its CLEAR religious undertones, but in the ham-fisted way they are inserted and dealt with, and the SMUG tone that is conveyed while doing so.
June 2, 2020
Hot garbage.
Edit:
“I´m Theresa, the younger daughter of Edward and Elizabeth Sullivan, I hope it´s not bragging to say that I was cute as heck at age ten. Everybody in the family said so.”
Aight so I haven´t read the whole book, I don’t remember much of the story, and this will probably be a bit messy, but here we go. I would be a bit more lenient if it were not for the fact that the author claims it is one of the greatest works of fiction of all time, and that it should be required reading in High School yada yada. But in reality, this story is just…incredibly bad. The pacing is horrible and dragged out, and foreshadowing is awful (to quote KrimsonRouge “I´ve seen better foreshadowing on the expiration date on my milk.”). Characters are two-dimensional/flat and they are there to either suck Theresa´s di** or hate on her because she has no flaws (AND the characters who dislike her is written as absolute braindead idiots).
A messianic (like she is basically Jesus) and omnipotent mary-sue. Theresa is loved by basically the whole planet for…reasons I don’t really know. Or care to know. She radiates an aura of ´goodness´ that awes everyone in the goddamn room - she is the perfect paragon of good despite being a narcissistic, selfish, and petty, which is rewarded or glossed over. PROFESSIONALS in their fields are awed at her wisdom. A lot of space is for describing her wardrobe, some being incredibly skimpy. This is funny because one of the apparent selling points of the story is that there is no sex although the author constantly sexualizes Theresa ("My green outfit was modest, only five inches above the knees and with not much cleavage, but didn't hide my well-turned figure. All right, my chest and butt were well outlined").
Man, this does not include the ridiculous events that happen in the book, such as that one time Theresa is kidnapped by the government (and the president of America?) and sentenced to be executed by an atomic bomb. And I´ve heard that she also puts the whole planet in a 600-year coma and gives birth to 420 children during the time.
Yeaaaah, I´m done.
Edit:
“I´m Theresa, the younger daughter of Edward and Elizabeth Sullivan, I hope it´s not bragging to say that I was cute as heck at age ten. Everybody in the family said so.”
Aight so I haven´t read the whole book, I don’t remember much of the story, and this will probably be a bit messy, but here we go. I would be a bit more lenient if it were not for the fact that the author claims it is one of the greatest works of fiction of all time, and that it should be required reading in High School yada yada. But in reality, this story is just…incredibly bad. The pacing is horrible and dragged out, and foreshadowing is awful (to quote KrimsonRouge “I´ve seen better foreshadowing on the expiration date on my milk.”). Characters are two-dimensional/flat and they are there to either suck Theresa´s di** or hate on her because she has no flaws (AND the characters who dislike her is written as absolute braindead idiots).
A messianic (like she is basically Jesus) and omnipotent mary-sue. Theresa is loved by basically the whole planet for…reasons I don’t really know. Or care to know. She radiates an aura of ´goodness´ that awes everyone in the goddamn room - she is the perfect paragon of good despite being a narcissistic, selfish, and petty, which is rewarded or glossed over. PROFESSIONALS in their fields are awed at her wisdom. A lot of space is for describing her wardrobe, some being incredibly skimpy. This is funny because one of the apparent selling points of the story is that there is no sex although the author constantly sexualizes Theresa ("My green outfit was modest, only five inches above the knees and with not much cleavage, but didn't hide my well-turned figure. All right, my chest and butt were well outlined").
Man, this does not include the ridiculous events that happen in the book, such as that one time Theresa is kidnapped by the government (and the president of America?) and sentenced to be executed by an atomic bomb. And I´ve heard that she also puts the whole planet in a 600-year coma and gives birth to 420 children during the time.
Yeaaaah, I´m done.
March 5, 2020
Only reason I read this book (I use that word very loosely to describe this thing) is because I was gifted it and told to read it as a dare.
This book is just a random mess that doesn't really make sense and if I wasn't dared to read it I would have given up after the first chapter.
The main character Theresa is incredibly annoying she spend a lot of her time talking about how perfect she is or complaining about how unfair everything is or how everyone is watching her.
To top it off shes also the host to an alien that makes her the most powerful being on Earth so Theresa has taken it upon herself to save the world because shes the perfect teenager and would never abuse all the power shes been given (while complaining how unfair it all is)
Theresa is a perfect example of every terrible Mary Sue trope squished into one character.
Overall this book is terrible and I can't think of any reason to recommend it. I was told this book won the award of worst book of the decade and if that is true it has definitely earned that award.
I'm just glad I didn't spend any money on buying this and will end this review by saying this is a very very very bad book.
This book is just a random mess that doesn't really make sense and if I wasn't dared to read it I would have given up after the first chapter.
The main character Theresa is incredibly annoying she spend a lot of her time talking about how perfect she is or complaining about how unfair everything is or how everyone is watching her.
To top it off shes also the host to an alien that makes her the most powerful being on Earth so Theresa has taken it upon herself to save the world because shes the perfect teenager and would never abuse all the power shes been given (while complaining how unfair it all is)
Theresa is a perfect example of every terrible Mary Sue trope squished into one character.
Overall this book is terrible and I can't think of any reason to recommend it. I was told this book won the award of worst book of the decade and if that is true it has definitely earned that award.
I'm just glad I didn't spend any money on buying this and will end this review by saying this is a very very very bad book.
August 13, 2021
Unbelievable. This book is that very special kind of bad: every new page is some new horror or delusion. There were several parts when I just said "what the fuck?" out loud. This is The Room of bad writing.
Read
July 7, 2020If you want a book full of missing comma's, dull descriptions of spectacular events, complete ignorance of international politics, useless plot points, spelling errors, sudden leaps in the narrative, the poisoning of the atmosphere with xenon and other scientific illiteracy, an emphasis on skiing, the ruination of world's economy, the destruction of the seasons, implied child abuse by the main character, the totally undeserved praise given to the main character, the protagonist's whining selfishness, casual sexism, and many more things, this is the book for you.
February 8, 2022
Now here me out here. This book, almost, could have been the 'Freddy Got Fingered' of literature.
Now to anyone who is a fan of that cult classic, I mean that in a good way. For those who don't know, Freddy Got Fingered was a movie written by and starring Tom Green, a somewhat successful comedian who employed a lot of ''random shock humor'' in his work.
When given the opportunity to make his own movie, Green took this as an opportunity to make the most disturbing, inconsistent and unapologetic film to ever hit the big screens. From day one his goal was to win a Razzie. He didn't care that critics destroyed it and audiences didn't know what to think because thats exactly what he intended to happen. This was a guy who played by his own rules, and took every ounce of criticism with stride and didn't care in the slightest. In his eyes, the film was a masterpiece, not because he thinks its good but because it served its purpose to enrage and confuse common movie goers into watching it and fueling its legacy, which continues to this day.
You'd be forgiven for thinking Norman Boutin (which may or may not be the authors real name) wanted to do something similar. Empress Theresa is written inconsistently from the very first chapter, with almost random events and tangents that add nothing to the overall story. Even the idea of a young woman with Superman level powers and almost no character flaws that would make Rey 'Skywalker' blush, sounds like something that would bomb for how formulaic and boring it appears. Almost like Naked Came the Stranger, which was intentionally terrible, but ended up becoming a best seller.
But here's why I said it almost worked. Norman Boutin is not Tom Green. Boutin believes his work is a masterpiece, period, and that any and all forms of constructive criticism is heresy of the highest order. Unwavering in his ideals, Boutin has locked himself in a soundproof room with a one way mirror so he can see view everything without having to worry about others finding out how he really feels. But if his own website is anything to go off of, he doesn't handle it very well. If Tom Green had written a book like this, you know he'd walked out to receive his national book award for the worst book of 2014 with his own red carpet and a bottle of Jack Daniels.
It should be noted that I barely paid a dime for this book. I found it randomly at my local goodwill and, as someone who has a habit of reading bad literature, I couldn't help myself but think at how much better this could have been. I don't think even a great author could save this book from obscurity or failure, but at least it would have been an attempt.
Now to anyone who is a fan of that cult classic, I mean that in a good way. For those who don't know, Freddy Got Fingered was a movie written by and starring Tom Green, a somewhat successful comedian who employed a lot of ''random shock humor'' in his work.
When given the opportunity to make his own movie, Green took this as an opportunity to make the most disturbing, inconsistent and unapologetic film to ever hit the big screens. From day one his goal was to win a Razzie. He didn't care that critics destroyed it and audiences didn't know what to think because thats exactly what he intended to happen. This was a guy who played by his own rules, and took every ounce of criticism with stride and didn't care in the slightest. In his eyes, the film was a masterpiece, not because he thinks its good but because it served its purpose to enrage and confuse common movie goers into watching it and fueling its legacy, which continues to this day.
You'd be forgiven for thinking Norman Boutin (which may or may not be the authors real name) wanted to do something similar. Empress Theresa is written inconsistently from the very first chapter, with almost random events and tangents that add nothing to the overall story. Even the idea of a young woman with Superman level powers and almost no character flaws that would make Rey 'Skywalker' blush, sounds like something that would bomb for how formulaic and boring it appears. Almost like Naked Came the Stranger, which was intentionally terrible, but ended up becoming a best seller.
But here's why I said it almost worked. Norman Boutin is not Tom Green. Boutin believes his work is a masterpiece, period, and that any and all forms of constructive criticism is heresy of the highest order. Unwavering in his ideals, Boutin has locked himself in a soundproof room with a one way mirror so he can see view everything without having to worry about others finding out how he really feels. But if his own website is anything to go off of, he doesn't handle it very well. If Tom Green had written a book like this, you know he'd walked out to receive his national book award for the worst book of 2014 with his own red carpet and a bottle of Jack Daniels.
It should be noted that I barely paid a dime for this book. I found it randomly at my local goodwill and, as someone who has a habit of reading bad literature, I couldn't help myself but think at how much better this could have been. I don't think even a great author could save this book from obscurity or failure, but at least it would have been an attempt.
July 4, 2020
Friends, Romans, country-men; when one lacks confidence in their writing, feels hopeless in their abilities, or needs to be reminded of how far they have come as a writer, they can read the free chapters made available by the author of this very book. I, for one, often hit writers blocks and long stretches of helplessness with my work, however this book offers me great peace. It gives me a beautifully illustrated guide of what not to do, of what I should strive to be as far away from as possible. This goes not only for my writing, but also for who I should be as a person when receiving criticism.
In much the way that film schools will often use The Room to teach students everything you shouldn't do, I feel that this book - along with the acclaimed Onision trilogy - should be used in a similar manner. Everything has a purpose, after all.
In much the way that film schools will often use The Room to teach students everything you shouldn't do, I feel that this book - along with the acclaimed Onision trilogy - should be used in a similar manner. Everything has a purpose, after all.
December 24, 2021
In the words of Tyra Banks, "I wanted to give you a 0. I cannot so I'll give you a 1"
I hate this. And I love bad books. I love trashy, poorly written things that are just a blast to read. This book just angers me. Nothing makes sense. Everything contradicts itself. Theresa behaviors like a self insert in a wattpad story - and not a very good one at that. Norman made an OC and proceeded to spend the whole book fawning over how great she is. This book is a wondrous display of incompetence.
One positive I can give it, is that the idea of being able to shut off any car a person gets in is petty enough that I like it. If only it had been used to good instead of evil.
I recommend reading this book if you also wanna lose brain cells
I hate this. And I love bad books. I love trashy, poorly written things that are just a blast to read. This book just angers me. Nothing makes sense. Everything contradicts itself. Theresa behaviors like a self insert in a wattpad story - and not a very good one at that. Norman made an OC and proceeded to spend the whole book fawning over how great she is. This book is a wondrous display of incompetence.
One positive I can give it, is that the idea of being able to shut off any car a person gets in is petty enough that I like it. If only it had been used to good instead of evil.
I recommend reading this book if you also wanna lose brain cells
October 27, 2014
I read the free sample on Amazon & the 5 chapters he offers on the website.
Author has this book placed in Women's Fiction. This is a paranormal / fantasy book.
Lots of spelling/grammar errors. Short choppy sentences and looking at all the covers for this book the author has a strange obsession with female breast.
Check out all the comments on this book at Amazon. Author attacks any review that does not provide 5-stars.
Author has this book placed in Women's Fiction. This is a paranormal / fantasy book.
Lots of spelling/grammar errors. Short choppy sentences and looking at all the covers for this book the author has a strange obsession with female breast.
Check out all the comments on this book at Amazon. Author attacks any review that does not provide 5-stars.
May 20, 2020
Discovering this book made my day, truly a gem (or rather gems) hidden under the weight of its rating. Best reviews I ever read on goodread. Beautiful.
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