3 A.M.

by Kris Koe

The story is about Elliot: A neurotic man who suffers from depression, is successful at writing but unsuccessful at everything else. Setting: Breakfast (never in the morning) at his favorite diner, a record store that hasn't dusted its ceiling fan since the 1970's, a hole in the wall cafe to drink green tea and judge the terrible tongue tied poets on the shoddy ill-lit stage, a park with swings that are always annoyingly wet, and his immaculate apartment in the city. Elliot is riddled with quirky traditions and struggles with anxiety, still battling childhood memories he can never completely forget. Then enter Aiden, the too loud and too passionate guitar player that takes the stage one night that just won't stop staring at Elliot. Aiden is full of hope and promise and everything Elliot needs, but Elliot can't have what's good for him. Right?
*Originally an Ereri fanfiction, still available on Archive of Our Own

Unknown Binding

Published January 1, 2016

Reviews

[Michael · Rating 5 out of 5]

Its 3am, and I loved this book.
I stumbled upon this book quite by accident(more on that below), and after quite a while of it sitting on my shelf, I picked it up to skim the first couple pages just to see what it was… next thing I know I am 50 pages in and cannot stop. 3AM was one of those books that I didn’t realize I needed in my life. The story of Elliot, a neurotic germaphobe with a rather bleak outlook on life, and his new friend Aiden, a charismatic guitar player whose favorite outfit is an old tattered green hoodie…

I found myself drawn into their story, touched even. I laughed, I cried, I found myself smiling goofily at some of their banter. This book made me feel like they were real people. I loved all the references to songs I actually knew, to band shirts I’ve actually owned or at least have friends who have worn them, and the tie-in’s to the studio Ghibli film, Spirited Away… It is a very personal story about what it really means to allow yourself to love.

Though the copy I have, I believe if less than official, I will be buying an official copy of this book very soon and giving it a re-read.

How did I come by this book?
Funny story…
About a year and a half ago I finished writing a draft copy of my own book, and ordered myself a proof copy so I could start working on editing… the box arrives and I am ecstatic to finally see a printed copy of my very own book, An MM fantasy adventure romance about pirates… I open the packaging and it looks great! My cover art looks good, the colors are what I was hoping for, and the blurb on the back looks good!! Then, I open the book and flip through the pages. First thing I notice is, hey! That’s not the font I selected. Thinking maybe it was an odd printing error, I flipped to a random page, and noticed that I didn’t recognize any of the text. I flipped to the front of the book to find that the interior was not at all my book, but something called “3AM” by Kris Koe. I contacted the publishing site, report the error, and they immediately replace my order with the correct book. I set this misprint on my shelf as a “display model” kind of forget about the situation and go on with life…

The other day I was doing some cleaning around the house and picked the book up again, flipped through it, and curiosity got the better of me. I read the first page, just to see what this was all about. Next thing I know, I’ve finished the first chapter then I finish the next and then the next. I actually had to force myself to put it down. It was such an intriguing story that I couldn’t help but read it just to find out how this situation between Aiden and Elliot would turn out. This story was heartbreaking and beautiful. A rollercoaster of real feelings.

I am not saying I believe in fate… but I think it is pretty remarkable that I happened to receive a book as the result of a printing error that was not only the same length of my own book, but also was an mm romance. A book that I didn’t know I needed until I just sat down to read it.

[AvesReads · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is not a review; it is a love letter.

Before 3 a.m was published, it was a fanfic on Ao3. I found this fanfic at 15 and struck gold.

3 a.m is about a hurt man who is afraid to love again. This story found me at the right time. At 15 I was chronically anxious and afraid to live my life. I often wrote and let my trauma leak onto the page, sometimes at ungodly hours of the night.

I was a kid, struggling with the self-acceptance of being queer, not fully understanding the anxious feelings I had, and simultaneously experiencing insomnia and the worst depression I’ve ever had. This story made me feel seen, at a time in my life I felt alone. I often wrote to process my complex feelings by trying to imitate the rawness that was clear in 3 a.m, instead of looking inward and fleshing out my own vulnerabilities that I had out on the page.

In a lot of ways, I am still like Elliot. I’m anxious, afraid of love, vulnerability and leaving my house. In ways I’m different. I go to bed at a decent hour, I finally can get a full night of sleep, and I do my best to live my life bravely, even if there are times I’m still afraid to take leaps. I have found my own voice in my writing, mainly spending my time writing fantasy novels about messy queer women, politics, religion and human nature. I have come full circle and finally have learned the lesson Elliot had to; I am raw.

Not many people know about 3 a.m. I just happened to get extraordinarily lucky, finding it at the right place at the right time. I will say, while 3 a.m is not well known, it has touched at least one person out there. It has healed me in many ways and changed the trajectory of my life, by making me feel a little less alone.

I cannot count on a hand the amount of times I’ve reread this book. Sometimes I wish I was 15 again, reading this for the first time, huddled under the covers, at 3 a.m.

Thank you Kris Koe.