Healing through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear, and Despair

by Miriam Greenspan

Nautilus Book Award Gold Winner

A psychotherapist offers “crucial” guidance on how to “alter fundamentally our fearful relationship to deep feelings,” from depression and anxiety to grief and fear ( Los Angeles Times )

We are all touched at some point by the dark emotions of grief, fear, or despair. In an age of global threat, these emotions have become widespread and overwhelming. While conventional wisdom warns us of the harmful effects of “negative” emotions, this revolutionary book offers a more hopeful there is a redemptive power in our worst feelings. Seasoned psychotherapist Miriam Greenspan argues that it’s the avoidance and denial of the dark emotions that results in the escalating psychological disorders of our depression, anxiety, addiction, psychic numbing, and irrational violence. And she shows us how to trust the wisdom of the dark emotions to guide, heal, and transform our lives and our world.

Drawing on inspiring stories from her psychotherapy practice and personal life, and including a complete set of emotional exercises, Greenspan teaches the art of emotional alchemy by which grief turns to gratitude, fear opens the door to joy, and despair becomes the ground of a more resilient faith in life.


“This remarkable book has taught me a whole new way of thinking.” —Harold Kushner, author of When Bad Things Happen to Good People

“A beautiful piece of work destined to become a perennial classic.” —Martha Beck, author of The Joy Diet

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Mental Health, Grief, Spirituality, Audiobook

336 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2003

About the author

Miriam Greenspan was born in a refugee camp in southern Germany to two Jewish survivors of the Holocaust. From her parents, she learned that even in the aftermath of genocide, it is possible to live a life of kindness, generosity, and love. Her work as a psychotherapist, author, public speaker, and poet are rooted in her abiding faith in the redemptive power of facing into the worst without flinching, and emerging with the unexpected gifts of healing and spiritual power.

Miriam is known for her unique combination of down-to-earth authenticity and inspiring eloquence. Whether as a therapist, public speaker, or poet, her lifelong work is about encouraging people to discover that the darkness has its own light.

For more than four decades, Miriam worked as a therapist specializing in women survivors of misogyny, abuse, and trauma. Her first book, A New Approach to Women and Therapy, helped pioneer the fields of feminist psychology and psychotherapy--for which she has been honored as a 'Feminist Foremother.'
Her best-selling book, Healing Through the Dark Emotions: the Wisdom of Grief, Fear, and Despair won the 2004 Nautilus Award in psychology for “books that make a contribution to conscious living and positive social change" and has been translated into French, Mandarin Chinese, Dutch, and Korean. Her work has been featured in numerous magazines, including Psychology Today, Ms., Body & Soul, Shambhala Sun, New Woman, Tikkun, Spirituality & Health, and the Sun.
Miriam has enjoyed speaking and facilitating workshops on Healing through the Dark Emotions throughout the United States and Canada. She teaches at Kripalu Yoga Center and many other venues, including colleges, conferences, and retreat centers.
More recently, Miriam has become a writer for Huffington Post, where she is passionate about addressing the social and spiritual crises of our era, in particular the degeneration of American democracy and the deadly opiate epidemic. As the mother of an addict in recovery, she knows the devastation and heartache of the epidemic first hand and has devoted her writing in the past few years to breaking through the stigma of addiction and telling the truth of the epidemic through her poetry. She is an emerging, published poet who has completed a manuscript, The Heroin Addict’s Mother, which is searching for a publisher

Reviews

[Raymond J · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't normally say such things, but this book could change your life, and then, the world. The way people quote "The Secret", I quote this text which I call "The Book". I can be a bit of a sucker for psychology/self-help books but find the majority of them disappointing. Not this one -- every page was illuminating, and never was my intelligence insulted.

[Bon Tom · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not your usual self-help book. There's a lot of common sense, but also some counter-intuitive revelations. I believe very basic premise of befriending your dark side and emotions, instead of trying to get rid of them via substance abuse and behavioral addictions is something that doesn't come as first on the list of coping skills for most people. Author also shares her rich life experience and lessons she learned through hardship, adversity and tragedy. This book is strangely uplifting and hope giving. Because, everything can happen to everybody and that's bone shattering scary. But author shows you how you can find complexity, richness and hope in adversity, if you dare to face it and allow yourself to completely feel all the emotions in those learning experiences. And accept the change, whatever it is. She's right, for instance, in her saying that when your loved one dies, it isn't the part of your that dies at the same time. It is the whole of you. But something, or somebody else gets reborn in the process. Let it be Phoenix from the ashes.

[Liaken · Rating 4 out of 5]

"We pay psychotherapists to cure it, take Prozac to mute it, seek counsel from religions that exhort us to rise above it, read inspirational books to overcome it, join recovery programs and self-help groups to cope with it, spend millions of dollars to escape it, use alcohol, drugs, food, work, possessions, sex, entertainment, and all the techno-toys we can get to distract ourselves from it. . . . [But] grief, despair, and fear are our human birthright as much as joy, wonder, and love."
—Miriam Greenspan, Healing Through the Dark Emotions

The dark emotions are a strong part of our birthright as humans, and it seems to be a part that we often reject. What, really, is wrong with feeling and owning sadness, anger, fear . . . ? This book is full of insight about how to remove the stigma from these emotions and allow them back into our lives. As we do so, our "light" emotions will manifest more purely. She gives a lot of food for thought, her experiences, and exercises that can help the reader contact and feel the dark emotions. The two chapters that deal with the dark emotions and the world are depressing; I had a hard time following her intent in those chapters.

[Meg · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has a very important message. A bit longer maybe then it needed to be but i enjoyed the personal stories and revelations from the authors own life and also stories of her patients who overcame adversity. I also appreciated the exercises at the end of the book.

[Hilary Barnett · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is profoundly paradigm-shifting. It came to me at a crucial time, and helped me navigate through my own dark emotions with more confidence and empathy. This book seems so necessary right now, especially as we deal with toxic cultural emotions erupting into bodily harm and violence. I cannot recommend this book highly enough.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

During a Skype conversation between my best friend and I (he was in India and I was in the US) in September 2012, my best friend of 6 years told me "Katie, no matter what happens, I will love you forever." The second most heartbreaking phone call I've received in my adult life came just two months later when my other best friend called me on a Monday morning in mid November. "Katie, he's gone."

I've experienced deaths of loved ones in my life (one of the most painful of my childhood occurred when I was just 11 years old)....but none of them have been quite as emotionally painful as the sudden, unexpected loss of my young, kind, and loving best friend. One day while talking about the difficulties of managing my grief/loss while still going to work and trying to be a good therapist to my clients, an intern whom has been doing clinical assessment training with me told me about this book.

"Healing Through the Dark Emotions" salved the emotional pain in my psyche like nothing or no one else could during these last 6 months, for which I'm incredibly grateful. Miriam Greenspan is not only a therapist whom offers professional insights, she has been through her own personal battles with grief and loss as well. Instead of perceiving it as a hopeless negative, however, Greenspan seizes the pain as an opportunity for potential growth. She encourages readers to look deeply within themselves with compassion and curiosity, urging them to surrender to the pain instead of resist it....because as painful as it feels to do so, it is more fruitful to embrace it than let it fester into destructive pain that leads to addiction and overall health dis-ease.

If you're looking for a meaningful (possibly life changing)grief and loss book that strays off the beaten path (ie, one that is not pop psychology-ish), this is the one for you.

[Meg · Rating 2 out of 5]

I don't remember how or where I first heard of Healing Through the Dark Emotions, but ever since I heard the title I was intrigued and extremely interested in reading it. Unfortunately, the title of the book is, in my opinion, the best part. I mostly found this book to be a big disappointment and a chore to get through. Most of the time I spent reading it I found myself wishing I was doing something else.

There are some good insights in the book, especially in Part One (the first 70 pages), but nothing that can't be found (and, imo, better put) in another book and most of the book can be summed up by the title or the quotes by others sprinkled throughout the book. I can see how this book, and especially the way it's written, would resonate with certain people, but it really wasn't my cup of tea.

Some books I'd recommend reading instead of this book are:
Daring Greatly by Brene Brown
The Courage to Be by Paul Tillich
Four Quartets and Selected Poems by T. S. Eliot
A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis
The Book of Job
Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl
On Becoming a Person by Carl Rogers
The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm

[ZB · Rating 2 out of 5]

I’m militant about finishing books, but I got to 54% & just couldn’t do it anymore. While I agree with her premise - we need to feel bad emotions instead of suppressing them - her delivery was irritatingly repetitive and grating at best, and insulting and dangerous at worst. She hates psych meds and tells you this on just about every page. She doesn’t like talk therapy - despite being a psychotherapist?? She thinks emotional suppression is the cause of serious diseases - diseases that can be cured if you just feel your feelings! She claims to have been a former agnostic so “gets” secularism but each page is a thinly veiled conversion plea.

She includes long personal stories about herself and these stories are actually the most compelling part of the book! But they don’t add to her message and make it seem like she really wanted to write a memoir. Anyway, the thesis is sound but is delivered by much better authors out there.

[Leanne Ellis · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book shines a light on the dark emotions that we as a society view as negative: fear, grief, despair, as well as their companion emotions like anger. We all experience these feelings, but we really are trained to ignore them, bury them, but certainly not listen to and experience them fully. We all live in a world of violence and global challenge, but we are also told to feel good and be happy. This book honors all the parts of the Self and the wisdom of your emotions. It also reminds me of The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.

[George · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book. As a psychologist, I think this is one of the most important books I have read. One of the main ideas presented in the book is that we live in a culture that has become emotion phobic -- particularly of the "dark" feelings-- and this is negatively impacting our ability to achieve well-being for a variety of reasons. If we can learn to accept, experience, and listen to our dark feelings, we can learn how to change & grow. In the context of a culture that is espousing positive psychology as the path to well-being, this book was a refreshing read and helped me gain new perspectives. Don't get me wrong, I value what positive psychology is bringing to the table but I am worried that we are losing sight of the wisdom/transformation that can come from darker feelings (which is part of being human). I can't give this book 5 stars though. One of my concerns with this book is Greenspan's not-so-subtle bias against the use of antidepressants. If you choose to read this, I would also recommend that you prepare for a book that weaves in themes of faith/spirituality. Personally, I appreciated it but I know it can turn others off.

[Josie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was massively useful to me during a period of grief and anxiety.

It's one of the only books I've ever read about psychology and healing that acknowledges cultural context as a legitimate source of suffering beyond the classic "all of your anxiety must go back to your parents." Of course, ones upbringing affects emotional health, but there is often much much much more at play

I found this book particularly helpful at a identifying the cultural disconnection I've felt during much of my life. I've often blamed that disconnection on the fact that I'm an artist, on my anti-authoritarian nature and upbringing. But this book helped me see, with clear eyes, how there is a natural relationship between cultural oppression and anxiety/depression. How it's completely normal for the nature of patriarchy and the pollution of the planet to affect my mental health.

This book helped me immensely during a time of massive questioning and massive need.

[Alissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Simply wonderful. This was recommended by my therapist, and is grounded in both experience and practice. Super feminist, climate-heavy look at how we might use and be informed the negative emotions we would otherwise try to push away. Lots of quotes from Joanna Macy and stories about intergenerational trauma if you're wondering where Greenspan is coming from. I'm still working through the exercises on this one (I'm actually doing the exercises!! that's how good this is!) and this is a keeper. I won't say that I feel better, so much as I feel more whole and seen and willing to be more human after reading this.

[Jennifer Jones · Rating 4 out of 5]

I especially appreciated the section on fear, but it was all applicable (for all of us!)

[Susan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not your usual self-help book. Greenspan uses her own experience as a child of Holocaust survivors and mother of a child who lived only two months along with Jewish wisdom literature as well as stories from her psychotherapy clients to argue that recognizing rather than suppressing our so-called negative emotions creates opportunities for growth. Similar ideas about the beauty of the imperfect life can be found in Erik Erikson's classic IDENTITY: YOUTH AND CRISIS. Although I was set not to like Greenspan's book, which a friend urged me to read so we could talk about it, I cannot help but admire the author's profound and palpable humanity. Because her editor did not tell her not to invent words and to avoid gooey phrases like "unbefriended emotions," HEALING THROUGH THE DARK EMOTIONS is more of a slog than a classic.

[Nada · Rating 2 out of 5]

Did not finish.

I began listening to this as a recommendation that there was some grief I had to get through. But this didn’t resonate with me as I hoped it would.

I would avoid listening to this book most days because it felt too dark and depressing to get into when I prefer to be in a happier fun mood. So I kept this on the back burner.

I would most likely pick this back up again and then, it would click.

Otherwise, this book is filled with easy to understand true stories of grief and how to heal them. It has meditations, journal prompts, and questions to ask ourselves that would help the reader on their healing journey.

[Ellen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a remarkable book! (recommended by Annie, facilitator for Process Painting workshop). Turns on its ear the current culture viewpoint, including psychotherapy, about the value of "dark" emotions, esp grief, despair and fear. That emotions are felt in the body, not the mind. And she provides "how to" advice on how to work with them, rather than trying to get rid of them. How they can become toxic when you push them away. I think this will be a turning point book for me.
An ongoing, pick-up when you need it, sort of book.

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. The author does a good job of elucidating a lot of the mental health problems facing our culture. Namely, that an inability to name and face our more uncomfortable emotions causes bottled up anger, neuroses, and impaired functionality.

I also thought it was brave of her to incorporate her own personal experiences of losing a son and raising a disabled daughter. It made the book a lot more real.

Some of her statements were a little out there. Discussions of reiki, energy work, and other pseudosciences were not helpful for her overall thesis.

[Gina · Rating 2 out of 5]

I see it has very high ratings, but I did not think this was well-written. At first I thought maybe it was too shallow and mystical, like maybe Greenspan would vote for Marianne Williamson, but there are references to patriarchy and ecology and a lot of areas where getting the broader view should be good, but I don't think she has a clear enough understanding to bring it home. Individual stories can resonate and there are true things in here (as well as some pretty questionable ones), but I don't think there is anything good in here that can't also be found in a better book.

[kimbuktu · Rating 3 out of 5]

While the idea could subjectively be important for any kind of person, the book doesn't go into much detail about the topic at hand. There is more spiritual stuff than I'd like in a book, which I thought was about psychology. There are some contradictions, lots of repetition, and not a sufficient amount of what you could consider to be TRUE without any reservations.

[Mary Hammer · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book was essential in getting me through some dark, dank bleak. i had never thought of grieving as being good, and i certainly didn't know how to go about doing it healthily until i read this.

[Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book proves that we must embrace darkness. The only way to heal is to go straight into the dark parts of ourselves and make friends with whatever we find there.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This has to be the most insightful book I've read in years. Highly recomment to anyone.

[Jorge Rodighiero · Rating 2 out of 5]

A mix of swallowness and religious mysticism with a bunch of good intentions and the occasional good idea.

[ky :-) · Rating 5 out of 5]

i wasn’t gonna write a review because i feel so much pressure to defend my point of view with evidence from the book, but then i remembered that i don’t have to do that actually and i can just talk about how i feel about the book. how freeing!

anyways, this book was a gift granted to me by the Divine when i most needed it. i believe that i’m currently in a state of transformation and this book played major parts in that.

this book was vital in reminding me that everything i’m witnessing and experiencing is not new or individual. that the really intense feelings of disconnect and despair because of the disconnect is valid. although the version of the book that i read probably predated the influence of current social media on our lives, the relationship between humans and media (tv shows, movies, and video games) can be further applied to social media. i don’t think i’m gonna expand on it because i want you to read the book and understand what i mean when i say that for yourself. however, i think reading this book at this point in my life was necessary because i saw the cyclical nature of life (and of human nature).

this book also gave me the tools i need to take the dark emotions i wasn’t realizing i was experiencing (because they were lying silently underneath the surface of my skin) and transform them into action. throughout the book, miriam greenspan not only acknowledges that the dark emotions are difficult to come to terms with, but also actively calls you to act based those emotions. to not just sit with them, but to figure out the best way to move with them. to carry the seeds of fear, despair, and grief and plant them somewhere they can grow and alchemize into something much more powerful and meaningful for yourself and others. being told this (gently) repeatedly over several days moved me emotionally and psychologically and i’m, in turn, moving myself physically.

there was probably more that this book did for me that’s hard for me to put into words, but it’s okay if things are ineffable at times. all i can say is my rating of this book is just that - mine. what this book does or does not do for you depends on you. on your needs. on your desires. on your feelings. on your current state of being. take from it what you will! i know i will be carrying the words and impact of this book for years to come. i read this book as an e-book, but i’m gonna order a hard copy because it’s one of those books you have to refer back to constantly. you have to make notes in it and re-read it and annotate because you read something at a different part of your life and a sentence makes so much more sense now. “healing through the dark emotions” is a book I believe we need now more than ever, but it is also a book that is timeless. happy reading should you choose to embark on reading this trove of wisdom!

[Fitra Rahmamuliani · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book digs into the complex realm of emotions, taking readers on a thought-provoking trip through despair, fear, and social frustration with negative emotions. The book opens by discussing our modern demand for rapid gratification, especially in our pursuit of happiness, which is examined in the context of the impact of drugs such as Prozac. The author emphasizes how cultural expectations frequently force us to rush through the normal emotional process, pressing us to return to a state of enjoyment as soon as possible.

One of the book's central themes is the examination of the roles of carrier and bystander when seeing the anguish of others. The author highlights the significance of striking a balance between these two positions and responding to changing circumstances. This viewpoint provides significant insights into how we might better support people who are experiencing emotional difficulties.

The book discusses despair extensively, which may be its most important theme. Greenspan's in-depth study may be both informative and overwhelming, as it goes beyond simple descriptions of despair to address themes such as incest, World War, and the environmental repercussions of human actions. Some readers may find this section of the book a little too lengthy, but it emphasizes the author's commitment to the subject.

The book also addresses fear, providing explanations on how to deal with it, however some readers may find these solutions a little hazy. Overcoming fear is frequently more complicated than the author implies, but it serves as a springboard for additional introspection and self-improvement.

The exercises at the end of the book are one of the book's highlights. These practical tasks allow readers to put the topics addressed in the book into practice while also working on their own emotional well-being.

Finally, "Healing Through the Dark Emotions" provides an in-depth examination of complicated emotional states and cultural attitudes toward them. While it can be daunting at times, the book's breadth and deep observations make it a wonderful resource for anybody wanting to better understand and navigate the complexities of their own and others' emotions.

[Steve Chisnell · Rating 3 out of 5]

One of the challenges, it seems, of writing self-help/therapy/psychological non-fiction is to communicate clearly and concisely. It is the "business" of non-fiction publishing which allows any
brief idea, however valuable, and expand it to book length in order to achieve status, profits, etc. I could not help but think that Greenspan's work fit into this mold while I read it. I found myself reading the topic sentences of paragraphs, then going back to reread, and finding that I missed very little at all. This is especially true because she offers little to no empirical evidence for her ideas (just anecdotes from her practice, which is extensive) at all.

All of that said, Greenspan's point--that we must engage and process and accommodate our darker emotions--is hugely valuable (my own intuition about it, a response supported by Greenspan's own emotional engagement over clinical one). The "exercises" for home practice are clear and helpful for those who try them, and they serve a practitioner level response to otherwise very complex and nuanced experiences. Personally, I found the final 2-3 chapters the most valuable as Greenspan (who wrote this work largely prior to Sept 11) writes about our global community responses to events that seem to be spinning out of control. How, collectively, do we address the tragedies of the world, the suffering that seems pervasive and omnipresent? While other writers have discussed this quandary, housed inside Greenspan's practitioner stance, her responses struck me as the most genuine and significant.

[Casey · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a great read for anyone who struggles with their emotions, especially the darker ones. All emotions are valuable and this book does a great job of teaching you how to be ok with them and what to do. The fact that it outlines specific steps and practices is wonderful for those who know they want to handle things better but have no idea where to start.

The only critique I have is the author's opposition to the use of medications. While she claims that the use of anti-depressants is fine if absolutely necessary, it is said in such a way as to indicate she doesn't truly believe anyone needs them. The book was published in 2003, I believe, so I will give her the benefit of the doubt that back then, SSRIs and other medications used to treat depression were not the best, nor were they necessarily appropriately prescribed. If you read this book and are someone who is currently taking medication (as I am), please read her opinion for what it is- HER OPINION. The book has so much value that it would be a shame to shut-down, or feel alienated or isolated because you take medication for your depression. I would also strongly recommend reading "The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression" by Andrew Solomon. He tackles this idea of medication in a beautifully articulate way.

In short, keep taking your meds, talk to your therapist, and read this book to give you more coping skills you can add to your daily practices. Also, remember that you are worthy and enough as you are.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the most emotionally intelligent book I have ever read. It's filled with much wisdom and guidance. The term "feel your feelings" had previously perplexed me. I often wondered, What does that mean exactly? How do I go about feeling my feelings? I thought I was feeling my feelings and that's why I am walking around so depressed.

This book tells you how to actually feel your feelings, how to befriend dark emotions in order to understand the important messages they are trying to tell you in order for you to heal.

One of my favorite things about this book is that the author connects individual pain and healing to global pain and healing. We do not live or experience life and emotions in a vacuum. Our local and global environments impact our emotions as well. Greenspan goes into this in depth toward the end of the book. I also love that she provides emotional exercises to help work through these emotions.

This book was incredibly helpful for me and one that I will need to read again. For now, I will keep it on my nightstand so that I can work on the exercises at my own pace.

Regarding some criticism that she is anti psych meds: that's not true. Her point is basically that before trying meds maybe try actually befriending dark emotions because that will heal them.

[Mousellina · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this because I understand the importance of feeling our emotions, but this book was terrible.

It is uneducated and unempathetic. Author doesn’t understand the concept of the nervous system capacity, is not trauma informed and neurodiversity either doesn’t exist in their lexicon or they just deem it being completely unimportant.

Book spends ridiculous amount of time talking about all sorts of dreadful things. Going into descriptions of rape, child death, you name it. It seems to me that in an attempt to feel the negative emotions, author has numbed their own ability to feel empathy and consideration to those who are at a different stage, or have a different baseline altogether due to neurodiversity. There are a lot of insensitive remarks throughout the book that just reinforces this impression.

More so, the audiobook is narrated by a person who sounds like a stern school teacher. Which could be coincidental but it fits the vibe. Basically if you don’t do as you are told then you don’t want to heal.

If you have PTSD, C-PTSD, Autism, ADHD or any mental health disorder diagnosis you should not attempt reading this book as it can retraumatise / disregulate you further.

[Evolution of Intimacy · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautiful antidote to a culture of toxic positivity. I work as a counsellor and many people express feelings of shame and worry there is something wrong with them when they feel stuck in dark emotions- when they are actually just experiencing healthy and normal responses to difficult situations (albeit painful). This book explores despair, sorrow / grief and fear in a really normalising, supportive and healthy way. The chapters about the state of the world were a bit depressing to read, reflecting on eco grief and conflicts in the world was hard, as the book is about 20yrs old, and everything the author was expressing has become much worse since then. Yet denial and avoidance of truth doesn't mean we don't feel it- and the book ends with many practices for living wholeheartedly in a brokenhearted world.