Cuestión de confianza: Del miedo a la libertad

by Russ Harris, Ramiro J. Alvarez Fernandez (Translator)

¿Es la falta de confianza lo que te paraliza? Ya es hora de que te liberes de ese bloqueo.

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction, Personal Development, Audiobook, Mental Health, Business

296 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2010

About the author

Dr Russ Harris is a medically-qualified doctor, stress consultant, executive coach, trainer, author, and a leading authority in the powerful new paradigm of Psychological Flexibility. (This is a revolutionary new development in human psychology that enhances performance, reduces stress, and improves health and wellbeing.) Dr Russ regularly presents workshops on Psychological Flexibility at both national and international psychology conferences, and has a thriving business traveling around Australia running training seminars for psychologists, coaches and a variety of health professionals.

Dr Russ's first book, 'The Happiness Trap', was published in Australia in March 2007, and is already well on the way to becoming a bestseller. (The title reflects a key theme in the book - that popular ideas about happiness are misleading, inaccurate, and actually make us miserable in the long term.) He is currently completing his second book 'From Fear To Fulfilment' - which is also the title of his most popular talk.

Back in the early nineties, when Russ was a GP in Melbourne, he moonlighted as a stand-up comedian, and as well as appearing regularly on the Melbourne comedy circuit, he featured on TV shows such as Tonight Live with Steve Vizard, and The Mid-Day Show with Ray Martin. As a result of this experience, his talks are fast-paced, engaging and humorous - as well as being action-packed with information, tools, and techniques for reducing stress, enhancing performance, and increasing vitality.

Reviews

[Carrie Mullins]

After reading this book I now have the confidence to put it on my Goodreads. So I guess it worked.

[Daniel Weaver · Rating 3 out of 5]

So I really really really hate self help books. I really just picked this book up because I put it on my audiobook wish-list long ago for some forgotten reason. However, this one wasn't too bad, and I'm glad I read it. I think the most important part is learning about "thought diffusion", where you become aware of your thoughts and catalog them. But honestly, you learn this in any self-help or mediation book (you can also learn it from Dune, which talks about similar concepts with fear). Other than that, it's basically just "the feeling of confidence comes after action", and "live by your values".

I wouldn't recommend the audiobook, as it asks you to do a bunch of "stop reading and do so and so", which is pretty annoying while listening to an audiobook. It later makes you feel bad about by saying things like "Oh.. you didn't do what I asked? Did you not do it because it was too difficult?".

Also, it tries to end sentences in the name of the next chapter, so it's a lot of "...then you'll be caught up in.. (::long pause::) Chapter 7: The Self-Esteem Tap". Something about doing this in an audiobook bothers me.

[James · Rating 3 out of 5]

1. I'm not telling you to 'feel the fear and do it anyway'
2. But first I want you to feel the fear
3. Then I want you to do it anyway

You can buy the book here.

[Carmen · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book started out good, but went downhill fast. The latter half is basically him repeating earlier stuff, overusing acronyms, and veering off into weird ~befriend your fear "[slip] your arm warmly around its back" territory. To save yourself time, here is the main takeaway from the book: Whatever you are afraid of, just take that risk. Confidence will follow.

Pros:
1. Harris takes issue with the perception that fear and negative thinking are weaknesses.
2. He also takes issue with the problematic side of the law of attraction, that you bring bad things upon yourself if you have negative thoughts.
3. If you have found law of attraction, positive thinking, self-affirmations and whatnot unhelpful, you might find this book refreshing.

Cons:
1. His style of writing. It always bugs me whenever authors interrupt the narrative to presume what the reader is thinking. "Is your mind protesting?" [...] "Whatever your mind is saying is fine by me." Etc. Stop wasting my time.
2. His arrogance. He acts like Acceptance Commitment Therapy is unique and shits all over other methods people use to gain confidence like self-affirmations, positive-thinking, fake-it-til-you-make-it, etc. First, that stuff does work for some people so to just write it off is ridiculous. Second, ACT is hardly unique, it borrows a lot from other self-help approaches. He claims ACT's ideas are different from _____, but often it's the same idea, just written differently.

tl;dr - Just read the first half.

[Morgan Blackledge · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's common for people to believe that they can't do the things they would like to do because they lack confidence. But if you stop and think about it for a second, this is totally absurd. It takes practice to feel confident. If you wait to feel confident before you take a step, you're likely to stay exactly where you are. In other words; confidence the action comes before confidence the feeling.

The message of the book is that it's normal to feel anxious, afraid, reluctant etc. about trying new things, or about doing things that matter to you. If you let difficult thoughts and feelings of self doubt keep you from doing the things that matter to you, than you're likely to become stuck exactly where you are.

This book is all about getting unstuck by learning to make space for the difficult thoughts and feelings, and bring them with you, in a way that is honest and authentic, as you go ahead and do what matters. In a nut shell, it's about accepting what is, contacting your values and taking action.

Lots of great leaders, thinkers, athletes, artists and performers feel full of conflict, anxiety and self doubt on every step of there journey. But they show up, time after time, with a head full of doubts, and a body full of fear, and they do what others won't, and that's what makes them great. All of us are capable of doing exactly that, if we are simply willing to experience the intense feelings that inevitably accompany pursuing anything of worth.

Name one thing that's worth a damn that doesn't entail at least some discomfort to achieve. If it were magically some other way, and you could effortlessly wish it into existence, how much authentic growth would such a pursuit engender?

The author would have sold a lot more books if he had said that all you have to do is think differently, or visualize your desired outcome, or ask the universe for what ever. Everyone wants to eat what ever they want and loose weight, or wish their way to millions, but to put it bluntly, that shit doesn't work. How exactly could simply thinking about anything bring about change? The fact of the matter is, all things being equal, you get what you do. And that's the good news. Thinking alone doesn't make it so. Change entails action.

Actions are the horse, feelings are the cart. If you do "confidence the action" enough, odds are spectacular that "confidence the feeling will follow", and even if confidence the feeling never shows, you're still finding a way to do what matters, and that's all that matters.

[Deb · Rating 5 out of 5]

**Filling the confidence gap**

Do you feel like a lack of confidence is holding you back in life? Do you often find yourself waiting to feel ready before you go after your goals? Do fear and anxiety keep you stuck?

If so, _The Confidence Gap_ make likely change the way you've been doing life.

Based on the principles of ACT--Acceptance and Commitment Therapy--this book offers a refreshing approach to filling the confidence gap:
"Whatever it is that's interfering with your self-confidence, the solution lies in mindfulness, values, and action: defuse from unhelpful thoughts, expand around difficult feelings*, take actions guided by your values, and engage fully in whatever you are doing." (p. 198) This approach can be nicely summarized using the acronym itself:
A--Accept your thoughts and feelings
C--Chose valued direction
T--Take action mindfully

(*Yep, that's right. The solution lies in embracing uncomfortable feelings, and letting them be a guide to helping you become more in tune with living a life that's in line with who you really are. The sweet irony is that when we stop trying to avoid negative feelings, we actually feel better: "When we let go of trying to control our feelings, and instead start acting on our values and engaging fully in whatever we're doing, then pleasant feelings often show up for the ride. We are likely to feel healthier, happier, and calmer." (p. 199) )

This approach to building lasting confidence is built around developing the three skills of:
1. Handling your thoughts and feelings effectively using key aspects of mindfulness: defusion (becoming "unhooked" from your thoughts); expansion (making room for emotions,sensations, and feelings); and engagement (being fully psychologically present in the here-and-now)
2. Taking control of your actions, even--and especially--when thoughts and feelings are "negative" or uncomfortable
3. Engaging fully in whatever you are doing, irrespective of the thoughts and feelings you are having

And, in contrast to other self-help approaches which tend to emphasize flooding yourself with positive thoughts so you can "fake it until you make it," the approach presented here just requires you to be real and present:
"When you take action, mindfully acting on your values, there is no need to fake anything. You just do what is important to you, and engage fully in what you are doing. And guess what? In each moment you do this, you already "make it": instant success!" (p. 245)

This book rewrites the rules for wining the confidence game (p 246):
1. The actions of confidence come first; the feelings of confidence come later.
2. Genuine confidence is not the absence of fear; it is a transformed relationship with fear.
3. Negative thoughts are normal. Don't fight them; defuse them.
4. Self-acceptance triumphs self-esteem.
5. True success is living by your values.
6. Hold your values lightly, but pursue them vigorously.
7. Don't obsess about the outcome; get passionate about the process.
8. Don't fight your fear; allow it, befriend it, and channel it.
9. Failure hurts--but if we're willing to learn, it's a wonderful teacher.
10. The key to peak performance is total engagement in the task.


The book addresses the most common culprits of low self-confidence of: excessive expectations, harsh self-judgment, preoccupation with fear, lack of experience, and lack of skills. Overcoming each of these culprits, the solution offered to filling the confidence gap involves (pp. 244-245):
***Unhooking from excessive expectations
***Practicing self-acceptance and self-encouragement
***Making room for fear--and, if possible using it
***Stepping out of your comfort zone to get the experience you require
***Practicing skills, applying them effectively, assessing the results, and modifying as needed

In essence, the way to feeling better involves making space for feeling uncomfortable, and harnessing that discomfort to help guide the way towards vales-based, authentic living. In the encouraging words of the author:

"If we choose to make our lives a daring adventure--to step out of our comfort zone; to grow, explore, and face our challenges--then we will fear what people feel on daring adventures. Our hearts will race; our bodies will sweat; our stomachs will churn. Fear will show up in all its different varieties: from anxiety to insecurity, from stress to self-doubt, from "pumped" to panic...However, if we make room for those feelings, unhook from those thoughts, and engage in fully acting on our values, then we are free. We are free to behave like the person we want to be; free to do the things that truly matter to us; and free to live our lives with genuine confidence." (p. 247-248)

I confidently recommend this book for anyone who is willing and ready (or even unwilling and not ready quite yet!) to fill the confidence gap.

[Kalyn Nicholson · Rating 5 out of 5]

So many golden nuggets in this book that I still call on months later. The concept of bringing compassion and understanding to our short-comings instead of forcing our way over or through them was a welcomed paradigm shift on my own insecurities and perception of what it means to be confident. A recommended read for anyone looking to stand a little more tall and feel a little more connected within despite the normalcy of fear and anxiety that can come from everyday life.

[Cav · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Life is a daring adventure, or nothing..."
~ Hellen Keller

I was a bit apprehensive starting this one, given the mixed reviews it has on here. Fortunately, I found The Confidence Gap to be an excellent book. I've been on somewhat of a mindset kick recently, so I put this one on my list when I came across it. And although the book has "confidence" in the title, the material covered here is very broad-based in nature.

Author Russ Harris is an internationally acclaimed ACT trainer and author of the best-selling ACT-based self-help book The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT, which has sold over 600,000 copies and has been published in thirty languages.

Russ Harris :


Harris gets the book off to a great start, with a well-written intro. He has a natural and easy writing style, which makes this one very readable. The book contains many excellent quotables.
I also found the formatting to be very well done, as key points are summarized at the end of every chapter. Super effective communication, and off to a great start!

He tells the reader of his own back story; he had problems with drinking and his love life. He also mentions that he was almost kicked out of med school. He lays out the scope of the book early on; mentioning that it will be broken into 5 parts.

Harris introduces a few central themes to the book here as well, namely; mindfulness, "Defusion," "Expansion," and "Engagement."
He also defines and delineates goals and values, mentioning that goals are tangible, defined, and can be reached, whereas values are a non-stop pursuit that are never "finished" or "done."

Here he outlines a few reasons why people lack confidence:

FIVE REASONS PEOPLE LACK CONFIDENCE
1. Excessive expectations
2. Harsh self-judgement
3. Preoccupation with fear
4. Lack of experience
5. Lack of skills

Many of the key themes and writing in the book can be summarized by this quote, dropped near the end:

TEN RULES FOR WINNING THE GAME OF CONFIDENCE
1. The actions of confidence come first; the feelings of confidence come later.
2. Genuine confidence is not the absence of fear; it is a transformed relationship with fear.
3. ‘Negative’ thoughts are normal. Don’t fight them; defuse them.
4. Self-acceptance trumps self-esteem.
5. True success is living by your values.
6. Hold your values lightly, but pursue them vigorously.
7. Don’t obsess about the outcome; get passionate about the process.
8. Don’t fight your fear: allow it, befriend it, and channel it.
9. Failure hurts – but if we’re willing to learn, it’s a wonderful teacher.
10. The key to peak performance is total engagement in the task.

Harris is a practitioner of Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). He says:

"In ACT, we do not belittle your challenges or patronise you; we don’t try to deny the powerful impact that thoughts can have on our actions. We simply aim to empower you; to increase the choices available to you in your life. Once we can defuse from our thoughts – ie separate from them and see them for what they are – we have many more options in life. No longer are we at the mercy of our minds, pushed around by ingrained patterns of unhelpful automatic thinking. Instead we can choose to pursue what truly matters to us – even when our minds make it hard with all that reason-giving."

In a theme that emerges over and over again in many of the books on mindset I've read recently, the noise inside your head is covered here by Harris. He calls it "smog," and says:

"Melbourne is a beautiful city and fortunately it very rarely suffers from smog attacks, but when it happens, it’s dramatic. And if you’ve ever been caught in smog, fog, torrential rain, a blizzard or a dust storm, then you’ll know how frustrating it is; it’s hard to get where you’re going when you can’t see clearly. Still, at least when we’re trapped by the weather, we know it’s happening, and we can modify our behaviour as required. But when we get trapped inside our ‘psychological smog’, it’s a different story.
Psychological smog is what it sounds like: a thick cloud of thoughts which prevents us from seeing clearly or acting effectively. And sadly, most of the time, when we are lost in this smog, we don’t even realise it. It’s only once the smog lifts and we reconnect with the world and start to see clearly that we recognise how lost we really were.
Psychological smog takes many forms: worrying, blaming, fantasising, rehashing old rejections and failures, planning escapes, plotting revenge, daydreaming, rehearsing conversations, ‘analysis paralysis’, dwelling on times long gone and predicting the future. And if we’re not mindful, we can spend hours wandering fruitlessly through this smog, all the while missing out on our lives.
But there’s one thing we need to be clear on: The smog is not created by our thoughts. It is fusion with our thoughts that creates the smog..."

Harris also includes a very interesting self values test. Basically, a series of 60 different possible values, in which he asks the reader to choose their top 6, and then asks: "Are you living in alignment with those values?"
This is another them that keeps popping up in books about mindset. I recently finished a performance mindset course by Dr. Michael Gervais, called "Finding Your Best," and that was a central theme there, as well.

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's concept of Flow and flow states are also covered here.

Finally; Harris ties a knot in the book with this closing quote:

"If we choose to make our lives a daring adventure – to step out of our comfort zone; to grow, explore and face our challenges – then we will feel what people feel on daring adventures. Our hearts will race; our bodies will sweat; our stomachs will churn. Fear will show up in all its different varieties: from anxiety to insecurity, from stress to selfdoubt, from ‘pumped’ to panic. And at times our minds will yell at us: ‘Heeeeeellllp. Let me off. I wanna go back. It’s all too hard. I can’t handle it. I’m not good enough.’
However, if we make room for those feelings, unhook from those thoughts, and engage fully in acting on our values, then we are free. We are free to behave like the person we want to be; free to do the things that truly matter to us; and free to live our lives with genuine confidence..."

*******************************

As mentioned at the start of this review, I wasn't sure what to expect from The Confidence Gap . I am happy to report that it far exceeded any expectations I had of it going in. There is a ton of useful, actionable, and valuable advice presented here.
I would easily recommend this book to anyone reading this review.
5 stars.

[Jamaul Finley · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was my first exposure to ACT and Dr. Russ Harris and I was impressed by his simple writing style and the use of examples to drive home key points.

The Confidence Gap teaches you how to gain more confidence by letting go of negative thoughts, accepting life for what it is with all of its ups and downs, and taking committed action based on values. Dr. Harris dives deep into what he calls the Confidence Cycle.

The Confidence Cycle is based on the idea that feeling of confidence only comes AFTER action is taken. You can't wait to "feel" confident before you act with confidence. The underlying message is take committed action despite how confident you are at first with the understanding that confidence is a result of your actions not a goal you can accomplish or check off your life.

A good book for anyone wanting to learn more about Acceptance & Commitment Therapy.

For more info about ACT and to connect with people using ACT everyday to live happier and more fulfilled lives visit our facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/TheSelfHelpTrap

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading through the ratings I was wondering what had more truth to it. That it's yet another shallow self help book or actually provides valuable information. Well I quickly came to find out that it is not in any way shallow.

This book is hands down one of the best I have read on that matter. It is not one of these books that claim to make your life perfect just by reading it . ( and sometimes chanting some new age power phrases).

Instead it provides actually helpful techniques and guidelines on how to address confidence and anxiety problems. In case you have read "your brain at work" you will find a lot of similarities in the underlying principles.

Of course practicing the skills described in this book will take time but I already had first successes which show me that these parts work. For me this opens up a new perspective. It is work, not magic. Just give it an honest try.

[Affan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is based on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy which focuses on mindfulness and self acceptance. Although not ground breaking I did get some good stuff out of it.
-Negative thinking is normal. Instead of eliminating it one should be mindful by learning to diffuse, expand and be engaged.
-Success should not be defined by reaching an end goal but rather living by your values.

The book revolves on the following 10 rules:
Rule 1: The Actions of confidence come first; the feelings of confidence come later.
Rule 2: Genuine confidence is not the absence of fear; it is a transformed relationship with fear.
Rule 3: ‘Negative’ thoughts are normal. Don’t fight them; defuse them.
Rule 4: Self-acceptance trumps self-esteem.
Rule 5: Hold your values light; but pursue them vigorously.
Rule 6: True success is living by your values.
Rule 7: Don’t obsess on the outcome; get passionate about the process.
Rule 8: Don’t fight your fear; allow it, befriend it and channel it.
Rule 9: Failure hurts – but if we are willing to learn, it’s a wonderful teacher.
Rule 10: The key to peak performance is total engagement in the task.

[Sasha · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book would have probably been better as a bulleted list of steps. I truly did not enjoy the kind of patronizing tone at times inferring what I was thinking/wondering and informing me that it was "okay."

[Debbie Cranberryfries · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was fascinating.
Plenty of topics to find motivation.


"Fear is a powerful fuel. Don't waste energy trying to get rid of it"

Rule 1: The actions of confidence come first; the feelings of confidence come later.
Rule 2: Genuine confidence is not the absence of fear; it is a transformed relationship with fear.
Rule 3: Negative thoughts are normal. Don’t fight them; defuse them.
Rule 4: Self-acceptance trumps self-esteem.
Rule 5: True success is living by your values. Rule 6: Hold your values lightly, but pursue them vigorously.
Rule 7: Don’t obsess about the outcome; get passionate about the process.
Rule 8: Don’t fight your fear: allow it, befriend it, and channel it.
Rule 9: Failure hurts—but if we’re willing to learn, it’s a wonderful teacher.
Rule 10: The key to peak performance is total engagement in the task.

[Osman Mohalel · Rating 5 out of 5]

النسخة المسموعة :
الكتاب الرابع ليا في خلال أربع أشهر استمع إليه بلغته الأصلية ، مفيش متعة في الدنيا تضاهي الاستماع إلى كلمات الكاتب الأصلية وخصوصا في بعض الأوقات الناتجة عن عجز الترجمة (سواء من الانجليزية للعربية أو العكس أيضاً) على نقل تجربة وأحاسيس الكاتب الحقيقة وراء كل حرف ، فمعظم الترجمات قد تنقل لك المعنى ولكن عند ترجمتها تفقد الترجمة الأحاسيس المقصودة وراء الكلمات ، كإنك بترجم أفيهات مسرحية العيال كبرت للإنجليزية ، قد يصل المعنى ولكن الاحساس مفقود ، فالترجمة الحرفية لكلمة في وجدان حضارة ليس لها نفس الرنين لمثيلتها في وجدان حضارة أخرى .

ما لن تجده في هذا الكتاب :
الكاتب بيقدم وجهة نظر جديدة تماما مخالفة لكل ما قد يجول في خاطرك للوهلة الأولى بمجرد ذكر موضوع قتل بحثا في كتب التنمية البشرية مثل (الثقة) ، فلن تجد في هذا الكتاب الخرافات المتداولة عن ال(affirmation) لا وقوف أمام المرآة و ترديد (أنا مش قصير وأوزعة ، أنا طويل و أهبل) ، لا هراء من نوعية عليك أن تشعر بالإيمان الكامل أنك تستطيع و ست��د الكون من العدم يقدم لك كل ما تشتهيه نفسك و يطيب لها ، لا مزيد من العبارات الرنانة مثل (fake it until you make it) ، لا جمل مثالية براقة جميلة من الناحية النظرية و غير مجدية عند تطبيقها ، فالكاتب يرسم إطار لكتابه متناسق تماماً لثناية النفس البشرية بكل لحظات مجدها و لحظات انكسارها ، ويطوف على مجموعة من المفاهيم الخاطئة التي يراها أساسا لمشاكلنا في منظورنا للحياة ، أن المجتمعات البشرية على الدوام تحاول القضاء على المشاعر السلبية (مثل الخوف) إما بمحاولة قتلها أو بالاستسلام الخاضع لها ، ولكنه يعرض طريقة جديدة للتعامل مع المشاعر السلبية هذه ، وأن التعامل مع تلك المشاعر بأحد تلك الطريقتين يخالف و يناقض الطبيعة البشرية ، وكل ما يخالف الطبيعة البشرية مصيره (حتى وإن حقق نتائج لحظية) فإن مصيره إلى الفشل ، يدعوك الكاتب لعدم تصديق ما يقوله لمجرد أنه صادر منه ، بل يدعوك بكل صدق للتواصل بذاتك والاستماع إلى وجهة نظره ، التي هي في وجهة نظري لم أجد لها مثيل في كل كتب التنمية البشرية التي قد قرأتها أو سمعتها بل وترقى لمفهوم الثورية .

الجديد الذي يقدمه الكتاب :
- يمكن اعتبار الكتاب (علاج فعلي عملي خطوة بخطوة) لمحاولة جعلك أكثر معرفة بذاتك ، و أكثر بصيرة بفهم نمط عمل أفكارك و أحاسيسك و مشاعرك بخطوات عملية بعيدة عن (القوالب الجاهزة لكل شخص وفي كل مكان) ، فمحاولة الاستقراء تلك نتيجتها ستختلف من قارىء لآخر ، وكأنه صمم خصيصا لكل قارىء على اختلاف أعمارهم و تجاربهم و معارفهم السابقة ، ليحاول منحنا إجابة لفهم تساؤولنا لماذا نتصرف بشكل معين في موقف معين ، وهي إجابة ستختلف من شخص لآخر على اختلاف دوافعنا و معارفنا ، اختبار واحد ونتائج لا نهائية .
- يجاوب الكتاب على عدة اسئلة دائمة الوجود في نفس أي إنسان على وجه الأرض :(ليه أي هدف كان على قائمة رغباتنا إننا نحققه بمجرد تحققيه بنشعر بفرحة مؤقتة لحظية و بعدها يختفي ذلك الشعور ؟! ليه بنفشل في المواصلة على تحقيق أهدافنا و نتكعبل ؟! ليه أهدافنا اللي بنرسمها لنفسنا مش بتحققلنا السعادة اللي كنا متخيلنها بمجرد تحققها ومردودها أقل من المنتظر ؟! ليه بنحب الcomfort zone ؟! لو مش مسموحلنا إننا ككبار نخاف يبقى ليه بنحس بإحساس الخوف مع كل تحدي جديد بنواجهه ؟! هل فعلا الخوف هو عدونا الاول ؟! هل الخوف بيمنعنا من التقدم حقيقي ؟! هل الناس اللي بتتصرف بثقة مطلقة دي مبتخافش ؟! وإيه هي الحقيقة وراء الself-esteem ؟! وهل هي أهم أم الself acceptance ؟!
- يقدم الكاتب منظور جديد و مختلف وثوري لمفاهيم مثل : النجاح ، الخوف ، الفرق بين القيم و الأهداف ، كيف ننفصل عن أفكارنا التي تشتت تركيزنا بطريقة صحية ، وكيف نندمج في المهام التي بين يدينا بشكل واعي وحضور للذهن ونستمتع باللحظة التي بين يدينا بطرق عملية قابلة للتطبيق ، الself esteem مفهوم سلبي أكثر منه إيجابي ، قبول الذات و قبول وجود المشاعر السلبية في حياتنا و الفرق بينهم وبين الاستسلام للذات وللمشاعر السلبية .

الإطار العام للكتاب :
- في بداية الكتاب يوضح أن الثقة ليست إلا لعبة و حتى تجيد اللعبة عليك أن تجيد قوانينها وقواعدها وينسج تلك القواعد أثناء ربط النقاط ببعضها البعض أثناء عرض تلك الأطروحة الرائعة ويضع لها 10 قواعد رائعين .
- يدعو الكاتب القارىء إلى تقسيم مجالات حياته إلى 4 أقسام (الحب ، العمل ، الصحة ، اللهو) وعن طريق اختبارات سهلة و عملية و نافذة إلى صميم وصلب المراد ، لمعرفة ما هي القيم التي تسعى لتحقيقها في ذلك القسم من حياتك ، و من تلك القيم يتم توليد أهداف (قصيرة ، متوسطة ، طويلة) الأجل متناسقة مع القيم التي قمت باختيارها بإرادتك الشخصية والتي ترغب في تطبيقها في حياتك ، ثم اختيار خطوات صغيرة تجعلك تخطو تجاه الهدف الذي حددته ، وذلك عن طريق حركة واعية و حاضرة الذهن و انفصال عن أفكارك السلبية (من دون القضاء عليها أو التخلص منها لأن هذين الأمرين لن يتحققا أبدا) واندماج في المهمة التي تقوم بها .
- وهنا يعرض الكاتب وجهة نظره بخصوص الفرق بين الانسان ال(goal focused) و ال(value focused) فيعرض الفرق في مثال توضيحي في شخصين يسعيان لصعود قمة جبل أحدهم هدفه من الرحلة هو الوصول لقمة ذلك الجبل (هدف) ، والشخص الآخر هدفه من الرحلة هو أنه يعيش روح المغامرة و التحدي و الاستمتاع بالطبيعة و الفضول والاستكشاف (قيم) ، فعند وصول الاثنين إلى القمة سيكون شعور الشخص الاول بالسعادة هو شعور لحظي مؤقت ، سيختفي فرحه متفاجئاً مثلما نتفاجىء جميعنا عندما نحقق هدف كان لنا على قائمة انتظار تحقيقه بأن شعورنا بالسعادة لا يساوي توقعاتنا المرجوة من تحقيق ذلك الهدف ، أما الشخص الأخر فإنه في كل لحظة كان يحقق السعادة المفرطة عندما كان متصلاً مع قيمه التي اختارها كمحرك لتشجيعه على الرحلة ، بل ويصعد الكاتب بالتشبيه إلى مرحلة أعلى من ذلك و يجعلك تخيل ماذا لو فشل كلا الطرفين في تحقيق هدفهم ؟! في منتصف الطريق قامت عاصفة اضطرت الطرفين على العودة أدراجهم للحفاظ على حياتهم ، هنا سيكون الشخص الذي كان في كل خطوة صغيرة يحقق نجاحه في تحقيق قيمه ، فكل خطوة يخطوها تخدم هدفه الذي هو المغامرة و التحدي و الاستمتاع بالطبيعة و الفضول و الاستكشاف ، هذا ما عاد به هذا الشخص من رحلته ، أما الشخص الآخر فبماذا عاد ؟! بالاحباط و الفشل و تأنيب الضمير و جلد الذات لأنه لم يستطيع تحقيق هدفه الذي سعى إليه .
- من ما أعجبني في الكتاب أن الكاتب لا يقدم وعود براقة ، يختلط مع ثنايا النفس البشرية بأنك لن تحقق أهدافك دائما ، حقيقة مؤلمة ، ولكن عليك أن تفسح المجال لتلك المشاعر غير المرغوب في وجودها بداخلك بالظهور ، وعدم إضاعة المجهود في مقاتلتها ، ولكن وضع طريقة عملية تحتاج لأي مهارة إلى التدريب للقدرة على ممارسة تلك المهارة في التعامل مع تلك المشاعر .
- العيش وفقا لمبادئك الشخصية وقيمك سيؤدي بك إلى الخروج من الcomfort zone و خروجك من تلك المنطقة يؤدي إلى شعور بعدم الراحة و القلق و الخوف وهنا تأتي نظرية الكاتب أنه من الخرافة مفهوم (القضاء على الخوف) و أنه مهما حاولت فلن تستطيع مهما حاولت منع ظهوره أو حتى السيطرة عليه فلن تستطيع ولكن عليك اكتساب مهارة التعامل مع تلك المشاعر من خلال مهارة حددها الكاتب بتفصيل عملي و دقيق في كتابه .
- وبعد معالجة خرافات مفهومنا عن الخوف ، يعرج الكاتب على خرافات مفهومنا عن التحفيز و الإرادة و غياب انضباط النفس .

ال10 قواعد لقواعد لعبة الثقة :
1 - أفعال الثقة تأتي أولا ومن بعدها سيأتيك شعور الثقة وليس العكس
2- ليست الثقة هي غياب الشعور بالخوف ، وإنما القدرة على تحويل طاقة الخوف لصالحك
3- الأفكار السلبية طبيعية ، لا تقاومها ولكن فقط احتويها
4- قبول الذات يحل محل الثقة بالنفس
5- لا تجعل قيمك قوانين صارمة و طاردها بنشاط
6- النجاح الحقيقي هو العيش وفقاً لقيمك و مع الاتساق معها
7- لا تشغل بالك بنتائج ما تفعله ، ولكن كن شغوفا بما تقوم بفعله في حد ذاته
8- لا تقاتل وتقاوم خوفك ، اسمح به وصادقه و قم بتوجهيه لصالحك
9- الفشل مؤلم ولكن لو كنا نريد أن نتعلم فهو معلم رائع
10 - المفتاح لتحقيق أقصى أداء لديك هو الاندماج الكامل والواعي في المهمة التي تقوم بها

[Lars · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to the audiobook edition, and it was excellent. It addressed exactly my issues and gave me ways to deal with them that are completely different from any other books or methods. I particularly enjoyed the end parts of each chapter where the author would say "what is your mind telling you" and his estimations were dead on. This book told me that it is o.k. to think negatively and is perfectly normal to have the thoughts and feelings that I experience. By allowing this, I could now accept them instead of fight with them. And, by accepting them, I can now diffuse and expand them to the points where they are not harmful to me mentally and physically.

I highly recommend this book whether the audio book (Audible) or print. The Audible book is well read by the narrator so it is particularly useful to listen to.

[Andy · Rating 3 out of 5]

A pretty good intro to mindfulness, if a bit dry. The author doesn't add much to this field except that he explains why things like "The Secret" are ridiculous. Confidence comes from competence.

A very unfortunate feature of this book is the repeated reference to that supreme liar/cheater/jerk Lance Armstrong as a paragon for the rest of us.

[Tara Brabazon · Rating 3 out of 5]

Look, this book is a strong presentation of the value in discomfort, and managing fear. The argument that we need to create the actions of confidence before we 'feel' confidence is fascinating. I'm going to take that maxim for a walk through my life.

But - as with so many of these books on confidence - a person is seemingly without a context of a workplace or family. Decisions can be made. We can start again. And again. And again.

Since this book was published in 2010, the ruthlessness of our institutions have increased. Labour surplus has increased. And the brittleness and nastiness of citizenship has intensified through social media labelling and ridicule. Therefore, I think there are consequences - stark and frightening consequences - for our actions. People do get hurt. They are hurting. These are cruel times.

Also, Lance Armstrong (!!!) is used as an archetype in this book for confidence and success... That hasn't dated well...

[Saeed Rafieyan · Rating 5 out of 5]

کتاب بسیار عالی و فوق العاده ایه که نباید فریب اسمش رو خورد! به نظرم تعداد زیادی از انسان ها نیاز دارند حداقل برای یکبار هم که شده این کتاب رو بخونند، حتی اگر فکر میکنند که مشکل اعتماد به نفس ندارند! در واقع خواننده ممکنه نسبت به اسم کتاب گارد بگیره!


توی این تاب مفاهیم بیسار زیاد و مهمی از تئوری اکت به سادگی و با بیانی بسیار شیوا و روان توضیح داده میشه و مسائل زیادی مثل هدف گذاری، ارزش ها، انگیزه و ... رو خیلی عالی بررسی میکنه.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is probably the best non-fiction book I've read this year. It all makes a lot of sense. Whilst it focuses on confidence, the theory and techniques could be used for most issues where negative thoughts are problematic.

[Zaki Shaheen · Rating 2 out of 5]

Too repetitive and non substantial and trivial.

[Amada · Rating 5 out of 5]

بدون اغراق یکی از بهترین کتاب‌هایی بود که خوندم و چقدر خوشحالم که تو این برهه از زندگیم خوندمش، چون احتمالا بیشتر از همیشه بهش نیاز داشتم.

[Buck Wilde · Rating 5 out of 5]

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) differs from the gold standard Coggy-B Therapy (CBT) by picking Albert Ellis's pockets for the best parts of Rational/Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), which have fallen to the wayside in the rising tide of stuffy clinical automatons desperate to crowbar psychology into the hard science category by attaching everything to a chart, regardless as to whether that chart shows anything. God willing, I won't bring any more acronyms into this book review.

ACT, like CBT and every other therapeutic method we've established since slam-dunking Freud's body into the earth, focuses on coping skills and relaxation strategies that can then be used to descalate the client (which, in the case of a self-help book, is you) when the work begins, poking around at exposed psychological nerves, irrational thought patterns and behavioral schema. The difference is modern CBT leans heavy on mindfulness and positive psychology, and as a result comes flush with meaningless platitudes about positive thinking snatched directly from the bottom of those office motivator posters.

ACT brings with it a degree of humanity. It takes standard-issue CBT and grafts on the more empowering parts of REBT, like unconditional self-acceptance, humor, and irony. The treatment becomes less of a script and more of an opportunity for growth.

In ACT, the intrusive and anxious thoughts aren't something to be banished and ignored, or drowned under an endless self-inflicted torrent of positive affirmations. Fear is there for a reason, and the more you pretend it's not, the more powerful it becomes. It's like someone sneaking around your factory and screwing with the machinery, so you try to make them go away by averting your eyes, which allows them to grow bolder in their sabotage since they don't need to be as sneaky.

Harris never directly references the Ironic Process Theory, but I've found it a recurrent annoyance in my own practice that CBT never addresses. When you tell someone "just don't think about your anger" or "Kyle, instead of punching holes in the wall, why don't you go for a walk?", you're asking them to do the impossible.

Don't think of a pink elephant. There, you did. Now don't think of how nervous you are.

In ACT, you drag these demons into the light with near-weaponized mindfulness. Fear shows up, quietly wrecking your shelves. You point at it and say, "Hey, that's fear! Fear, come here, buddy. Take a seat. What the hell are you screeching about?"

Fear shuffles its feet and, given your full attention, quietly announces that you are not good enough, she will reject you, and your screenplay is garbage.

You nod sagely and say, "Thanks for your contribution. I appreciate it. You want a soda?"

Fear does not want a soda. Fear wants you to stop whatever it is you're planning on doing. You shrug and say you can't right now, because it's incompatible with your values and/or goals.

Fear is treated this way every time it shows up until it stops making such a ruckus and wrecking your production (or stops monopolizing your life, outside the metaphor).

Values and goals are ACT's method of self-esteem building. Goals are what you want to get done. Values are how you want to do it. A goal would be getting a promotion, writing a novel, buying a new car. Values are things like courage, empathy, loyalty to family, and other happy little adjectives like that.

We get purpose from living our values in pursuit of our goals. It's okay to fall off your goal-seeking sometimes, everybody needs the occasional break. If you fall off your values, you're living inauthentically, and your sense of purpose will dissipate. You'll become self-critical, demotivated, and mopey. It'll be a real drag to be around you, causing you to further isolate and creating a feedback loop that will drive you further from your goals and, likely, values.

We choose our values. We get to decide which traits are important to us, and how to live authentically through them. Sort of like a chivalric code, but instead of the reward being eternal knightly bliss in heaven or whatever, it's being content with ourselves and our decisions. A big part of the therapy is reminding ourselves (or having our shrinks remind us) of our values or goals. For example, your goal is to be good at soccer, but you're too tired after work to go to soccer practice and you just wanna lay around watching TV. Your motivation to lay around watching TV is stronger than your motivation to go to soccer, no matter how you excuse it. You're not working toward a goal, and if your values are "teamwork", "dependability", or "physical fitness", you're blowing it. It makes sense that you'd feel shitty about this.

There are a couple of solutions. The most obvious would be to
(1) get off your ass and go to soccer practice.

If that's not feasible, or continues to make you miserable, than either your values or goals are in misalignment. You don't want to be good at soccer as much as you want to relax. That's fine. Relaxation and self-care can be a value. Maybe
(2) don't sign yourself up for obligations you won't attend.

You're damaging your reputation and your self-worth by repeatedly putting yourself in a situation where you don't live up to your own values. The third option is goal adjustment; rather than "be a good soccer player", your goal becomes, "I want to play soccer sometimes". That's okay, but then you shouldn't be on a team.
(3) quit the team and play occasional pick-up games, so soccer stays fun and engaging.

If that doesn't sound good, or if you fail to make it to those pick-up games, then you're not tired, you're avoidant, and that calls for self-reflection. Which of those values is scaring you? Where's the block?

ACT, much like REBT, can feel brutal. That's an inevitable consequence of seeing where your values and behaviors don't match up. You've internalized "I want to be good at soccer", but then you're confronted with the realization that you're doing nothing to be good at soccer, and that can make you feel defensive. It carries the implication that you're lying. This is where the acceptance part comes in.

It's totally fine if you're not good at soccer! Or not as good as you want to be, anyway. You're the only one who cares how good you are at soccer. This is your goal, and if it's not a goal you find that important, go ahead and change it. It's your life. You're responsible for it. If you're not living authentically, then it's time to reexamine your values and goals, and make sure these are things you truly want to do and be, and not just things you think you SHOULD want to do and be.

After I finished the book I went online to see if I could get certified in ACT. Our boy Harris never developed a cert for it, because he didn't want the methods behind a paywall. There's an $80 fee to become an "ACT Teacher", but they teach to therapists.

So it's like, joining the gym is free. ACT Teachers are like personal trainers. You've got to pay to become a personal trainer, because personal trainers can charge you for their knowledge in the same way ACT teachers charge you for CEU credits. But you can also just go online and learn how to work out. You don't need a trainer to use the free gym, and you don't need an ACT teacher to use ACT, both in your personal or professional lives.

The book is dense, and there's a lot of stuff I didn't touch on. If any of this sounded interesting, I highly recommend it.

[Jeremy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Notes:

+ 10 rules of the game:
1. The actions of confidence come first; the feelings of confidence (often) come later (but not always)
2. Genuine confidence is not the absence of fear; it is a transformed relationship with fear
3. Negative thoughts are normal. Don’t fight them; defuse them
4. Self-acceptance trumps self-esteem
High self-esteem correlates with egotism, narcissism, arrogance, prejudice, discrimination, self-deception, and defensiveness when faced with honest feedback
5. True success is living by your values
6. Hold your values lightly, but pursue them vigorously
7. Don’t obsess about the outcome; get passionate about the process
8. Don’t fight your fear: allow it, befriend it, and channel it (ABC)
9. Failure hurts—but if we’re willing to learn, it’s a wonderful teacher
10. The key to peak performance is total engagement in the task

+ 5 reasons people lack confidence and their solutions:
1. Excessive expectations (unhook from excessive expectations)
2. Harsh self-judgment (practice self-acceptance and self-encouragement)
3. Preoccupation with fear (make room for fear - and, if possible, use it)
4. Lack of experience (step out of your comfort zone and get the experience you require)
5. Lack of skill (practice the skills, apply them effectively, assess the results, modify as needed)

+ 3 things to know to develop lasting confidence:
1. How to handle our thoughts and feelings effectively
2. How to take control of our actions, even when our thoughts and feelings are “negative” or uncomfortable
3. How to engage fully in whatever we are doing, irrespective of the thoughts and feelings we are having

+ When a thought hooks us:
1. Notice it
2. Name it
3. Neutralize it

+ Dealing with painful feelings:
N—Notice
A—Acknowledge
M—Make space
E—Expand awareness

+ What stops us acting on our values?
F—Fusion
E—Excessive goals
A—Avoidance of discomfort
R—Remoteness from values

+ How to act on our values
D—Defusion
A—Acceptance of discomfort
R—Realistic goals
E—Embracing values

+ Failure is part of success
- “I’ve missed more than nine thousand shots in my career. I’ve lost almost three hundred games. Twenty-six times I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot—and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. That is why I succeed.” Michael Jordan
- Oprah Winfrey lost her job as news anchor on WJZ-TV in Baltimore. They told her that she “wasn’t fit for television”
- “You’d better get secretarial work or get married.” This is what the director of the Blue Book Modeling Agency advised aspiring model Norma Jeane Dougherty—who would later be known to the world as Marilyn Monroe
- “The singer will have to go; the BBC won’t like him.” Eric Easton, the first manager of the Rolling Stones, made this comment about Mick Jagger after watching the band perform
- “We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.” This was the verdict from Decca Recording Co. when they rejected the Beatles in 1962



Quotes:

Confidence is not a feeling but an action; it is “an act of trust or reliance.”

Fear is like a powerful fuel. Once we know how to handle it, we can use it to our advantage; we can harness its energy to help us get where we want to go. But while we’re looking at fear as something bad, we’ll waste a lot of precious energy trying to avoid or get rid of it.

What holds you back is not fear but your attitude toward it. The tighter you hold on to the attitude that fear is something “bad” and that you can’t do the things you want until it goes away, the more stuck you will be. In fact, that very attitude—that fear is something bad—will not only keep you stuck, but it will actually increase your fear; it leads to fear about your fear, anxiety about your anxiety, nerves about your nerves.

Self-acceptance, self-awareness, and self-motivation are all far more important than self-esteem.

Assessing our actions is workable. Judging ourselves is not.

“One important thing I have learned over the years is the difference between taking one’s work seriously and taking one’s self seriously. The first is imperative, and the second is disastrous.” Margaret Fontey

Worrying does not mean having thoughts about “bad” things that might happen. We all have such thoughts, and as with any other form of psychological smog, the thoughts themselves are not the problem. The problem is fusion. Worrying means fusing with those thoughts: holding on tightly to them, replaying them over and over instead of letting them go.

“Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.” Albert Einstein

“I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble.” Helen Keller

This salt is like the inevitable pain of life. In both cases, the amount of salt is the same; but the smaller the container, the greater the bitterness. So when life gives us pain, instead of closing in around it, like this cup, we would do better to enlarge and open, like the lake.

There is no such thing as a pain-free life. But we do have some choice about the type of pain we experience. We can choose the pain of stagnation, or we can choose the pain of growth.

To “have no motivation” is quite simply impossible. Unless you’re dead, that is. Every action we take has some underlying motivation; it is always intended to achieve something… “Motivation” is the desire to do something. And that’s all it is. It’s not some magical drug that gives us the power to do whatever we want; it’s simply the desire to do it.

When we say someone has discipline or willpower, all we mean is this: this person consistently commits to acting on their values, and doing what is required to achieve their goals—even when they don’t feel like doing it. So once again, actions come first, feelings later. First we learn to act consistently on our values, irrespective of how we are feeling. And after we have established that as a habit, then we will feel like we have discipline or willpower.

“Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination are omnipotent. The slogan ‘press on’ has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.” Calvin Coolidge

“Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.” Helen Keller

[Umut · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kesinlikle okunması gereken kişisel gelişim kitaplarından birisi. Kitaptaki yöntemleri hayatınıza uygularsanız hayatınızı olumlu yönde değiştireceğinden eminim.

[Brian Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

We’ve been following the wrong rule book if we want to dial in our confidence.

“Whether you call it ‘lack of confidence,’ ‘fear of failure,’ ‘performance anxiety,’ or ‘self-doubt,’ the chances are it’s cost you dearly in your life. Take a moment to consider: What have you given up? What have you missed out on? What opportunities have you lost because of it?

Over the years, I’ve worked with literally thousands of people who have put their hopes, dreams, and ambitions on hold because they ‘don’t have enough confidence.’ And the sad thing is, this lack of confidence is not due to any fault of their own. It is certainly not because of stupidity, or laziness, or negative thinking, or a deprived childhood, or a chemical imbalance in the brain. It is simply because they do not know the rules of the confidence game. …

On your journey, you’ll discover a revolutionary new approach to maximizing human potential: a model of change that is firmly based on cutting-edge research in human psychology. And you’ll learn to develop a mind-set known as psychological flexibility—a powerful mental state that enables you to respond effectively to fear, anxiety, and self-doubt. You’ll also learn to develop genuine, lasting self-confidence. And you’ll learn to enhance your performance in any area of your life—from sports, business, and creative arts to socializing, parenting, and sex!”

~ Russ Harris from The Confidence Gap

Russ Harris is one of the world’s leading authorities on one of the most cutting-edge forms of therapy known as Acceptance and Commitment Training, or ACT for short (pronounced like the word act not A.C.T.).

ACT is essentially a powerful blend of mindfulness training and cognitive behavioral therapy.

This book is, as you probably guessed by now, all about helping us optimize our confidence. Russ basically tells us that we’ve been following the wrong rule book if we want to dial in our confidence. He presents 10 rules on how to win the game of confidence.

The book is packed with Big Ideas (get a copy here).

Some of my favorite big ideas from this book include:

1. Confidence Gap Defined - Thinking that feelings precede action.
2. 10 Rules - For winning the game of confidence.
3. Defusion + Workability - Two very important words.
4. Presto! Instant Success - The result of living your values.
5. FEAR → DARE - How to make the switch.
6. Two Choices - Yours?

I’ve summarized those Big Ideas in a video review that you can watch here: https://youtu.be/xNkq7Ht1kG4?si=m6a3B...

And I’ve added The Confidence Gap by Dr. Russ Harris to my collection of Philosopher’s Notes--distilling the Big Ideas into 6-page PDF and 20-minute MP3s on 600+ of the BEST self-development books ever. You can get access to all of those plus a TON more over at https://heroic.us.

[Muralie · Rating 4 out of 5]

What I got from it:

1. When confronted with a task we don't want to do our mind often creates reasons to justify why we cant to do it (ie its too large an obstacle, we predict negative future outcomes, we judge ourselves, and we view ourselves being inferior to others). Negative thoughts are completely normal. The goal is to dissociate yourself from thoughts that don't help you reach your goal.

Techniques to dissociate from not useful thoughts:
a) Instead of thinking "I am a loser," think "I notice I'm having the thought that I'm a loser."
b) Sing the thought as a song
c) Imagine a comedian (or famous person) saying this thought in disbelief
d) Visualize these words on a computer screen "I am a loser" then change the font and move around the words.
*e) Visualize the thought being written on a leaf then having it drift down a stream away from you.

2. Actions come before feeling confident. For example, to be confident in your coding skills you need to first dedicate hours to learning new coding languages and practicing doing tasks on them. It would be impossible to be confident in something without practice first. Similarly, to gain confidence in social situations/relationships/work/health, you need to have extensive practice.

3. Living a life where you place your value on whether you reach your goals is a recipe for dissatisfaction. We often reach a goal, have a brief period of satisfaction, then are after the next one. Instead, try and live a life where you appreciate yourself when you are living by your core values (ie curiosity, generosity, hard work). Even if you dont achieve your goal, if you are living by your values you can still be happy and feel successful.

Create values that you want to live by in 3 main areas of life (ie work, health, relationships). Then from these values set out specific goals.

4. We often find certain activities boring (ie doing dishes) and so we try and distract ourselves (ie listening to podcast, thinking about stuff, etc). Try and engage in your boring (and enjoyable activities) ie notice the feelings on your fingers, the sounds you hear, and what you taste (ie if eating).

5. When you fail, be sure to acknowledge what went right. Success comes to those who can go from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.

[Gregory Eakins · Rating 3 out of 5]

What holds you back is not fear, but your attitude towards it. The tighter you hold on to the attitude that fear is something ‘bad’ and you can’t do the things you want until it goes away, the more stuck you will be.

In The Confidence Gap, Russ Harris suggests a path towards moving from shyness and insecurity, through fears and negative thought processes, to confidence and resilience.

Harris peddles a form of psychotherapy called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). In short, it says that your negative thoughts and fears are a normal part of being human, and you should be aware of them and accept them as part of your life. You should look at your thoughts more passively rather than letting them control you, separate out the helpful and unhelpful thoughts, and then guide your actions based on life values rather than thoughts and emotions.

Harris comes alarmingly close to my own strategy towards confidence - get good at something. Early on in the book he says, "It’s not natural to feel confident about doing something unless we are reasonably good at doing it." But instead of suggesting you get good at something, he recommends that you pretend to be confident until you actually are - sort of a, "fake it until you make it" approach. His golden rule is:

The actions of confidence come first; the feelings of confidence come later.

The good discussion is watered down with a ton of pseudo case accounts of people dealing with confidence issues, acronyms (EMITS, NAME, ACT, FEAR, DARE, etc), and loads of repetition.

I do like his 6th rule:

True success is living by your values.

I think that most people would benefit from thinking more about their values and goals in life, and tailoring their actions to be in accordance with them.

There are different paths towards every goal, and Harris sells just one of them. If this strategy sounds like it matches up to your style, then you might want to give this read a try.

[Hayley · Rating 4 out of 5]

The latest book from the author of The Happiness Trap shows us how to renegotiate our relationship with fear using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). All too often we put off working toward our dreams because we're not feeling confident in our skills, but we will rarely, if ever, find the confidence we need if we just sit around waiting for it. The book introduces techniques that teach us how to work towards the feeling of confidence, providing compelling evidence as to why putting aside your dreams does more harm than good in the long run.

Initially I found The Confidence Gap off-putting because Harris so firmly claims that his method in no way reflects the saying, "Fake it 'til you make it" but then introduces us to his first rule being, "The actions of confidence come first, the feelings of confidence come later". Two claims that sounded extremely similar to me. But as the book progressed it became clear why his method is so different from the common mantra, and so much better.

I have let fear get in the way of every aspect of my life and I'm pleased to say that I genuinely think this book has enabled me to stop making this mistake. The Confidence Gap is extremely thorough, compelling and simple and has entirely changed my attitude about fear by highlighting how being fearful is perfectly okay; it's simply how we choose to handle it that makes all the difference. With references to one of my favourite books, 'Oh the Places You'll Go!' as well as plenty of real-life examples it's very practical and I'd certainly recommend it to anyone who struggles with confidence. I just hope the message sticks.

[Carmen · Rating 4 out of 5]

La confianza es la falta de miedo. Los pensamientos son palabras e imagenes que habitan en nuestra mente. Por mucho que pensemos en positivo, no vamos a hacer desaparecer los pensamientos negativos. Cuando te abrumen estos, debes contestar con buen humor, no te limites en hacer las cosas, respira y medita cada dia.Busca un objetivo yencuentra motivos para hacerlo.
Cuando hagamos tareas que nos resulten aburridas, le podremos encontrar algo bueno, disfruta de ello. Porque las preocupaciones nos arrebatan la energia, y es una pérdida de tiempo
NO es lo mismo preocuparse que interesarse, como : preocuparse por la salud ( que damos vueltas inutilmente a lo que no nos fnciona); que interesarse por la salud( comer bien, hacer ejercicio....)
Lo mismo ocurre con el éxito; casa, trabajo, dinero....Si no lo tenemos nos estresamos, hay que vivir conforme a nuestros valores.
Yo tengo una premisa, acepta lo que tienes y no envidies a nadie, ya que siempre habrá alguien que tendrá más cosas que tu.
Me ha gustado aunque ponerlo en practica no es fácil, lo que más me cuesta es tranquilizar mis pensamientos negativos, mi cerebro siempre va a 100 y corro mucho y siempre está pensando, tanto en lo bueno como en lo malo. Hay que saber afrontar nuestra vida, sea cual sea. Ya vendran tiempo mejores yno preocuparse por el futuro( que por eso es futuro)
Estamos saliendo de una pandemia para entrar en una guerra.Animo y no desepereis.

[Kristina · Rating 2 out of 5]

i kid you not, i started reading this because in our last session, my therapist told me she had to think of me while reading this, and since i am absolutely obsessed with knowing how i’m being perceived (i already told you, i’m in therapy, this shouldn’t be a shock), i made sure to one up her and finish this before our next session. that being said, i was reminded why i hate 99% of self-help books. there are some really good exercises in here that are worth these two stars, but, unfortunately, they are drowned out by the author’s cocky and patronizing tone and a bunch of useless repetitions. it’s also claimed that the concepts in the book are revolutionary and groundbreaking, that this self-help book is nOt LiKe oThEr SeLf-HeLp BoOkS, but many of the ideas aren’t even original. this book probably could’ve been, like, a few tumblr posts.