Broken Trust: …a practical guide to identify and recover from toxic faith, toxic church, and spiritual abuse

The Overcoming Series #4

by F. Remy Diederich

FOR SPANISH VERSION see "Una Confianza Rota," Go you have suffered spiritual abuse from a toxic church, toxic organization, or toxic leader, your trust has been broken. You entrusted your life to someone you thought would care for someone who initially inspired you to know God, only to reject you in the end. Now you are left wounded and disillusioned, wondering if you can ever trust others, yourself, or possibly even God, again.Have You Been Hurt by Spiritual Abuse?Most people don't understand the devastating impact of spiritual abuse. Many suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as a result of experiencing it. If you think your spiritual community might be abusive, or you have just left an abusive congregation, then this book could give you the direction you are looking for. In "Broken Trust," F. Remy Diederich relates his personal experiences of toxic faith and spiritual abuse along with the experiences of other survivors. But this isn't just another tell-all story of abuse; it's a guide that will help you to first identify spiritual abuse, and then offer you a practical plan for recovery. Diederich is convinced that God is the God of resurrection and restoration. He believes you can begin again.One of the Best Books on Spiritual AbuseOne review "As a spiritual abuse survivor and blogger, I have now read dozens of books about this topic. Many are academic in nature, or very dense. I am comfortable saying that this book provides the clearest, simplest, most helpful coverage of spiritual abuse and recovery." Stephen A. Smith, libertyforcaptives.com "Broken Trust" builds on the wisdom laid out in previous books on the topic, such as "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse," by Dave Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen.The book is laid out in five Part Defining Toxic Faith and Spiritual AbusePart Practical Steps to Deal with Spiritual AbusePart The Road to RecoveryPart I Left My Toxic Church…Now What?Part How to Rescue Your Church From Spiritual Abuse (advice to leaders)The book draws wisdom from the examples of toxic faith in Paul's letter to the Galatians to show that spiritual abuse is not new to the church. Diederich's words are not religious or preachy but he writes in the typical "down-to-earth" fashion he's shown in his other helpful books. He speaks in a personal tone that will encourage you to understand yourself, your abuser, and the steps you can take to reclaim your relationship with God and, if possible, your relationship with the church or spiritual community.

Genres: Nonfiction, Theology, Christian, Religion, Psychology, Christian Living, Abuse

213 pages, Kindle Edition

Published September 18, 2017

About the author

Author of several faith-based counseling books. Founding Pastor of Cedarbrook Church in Menomonie, WI. Currently writing and guest speaking. Based in Minneapolis, MN.

Reviews

[Abigail Westbrook · Rating 5 out of 5]

SO GOOD. Would highly recommend to anyone in a toxic faith situation or wanting to support someone who is. Very realistic and practical, and full of hope for healing.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a hard review to write. Most people I am friends with on Goodreads do not know I had the experience that made me pick up this title. Some people I am friends with here were in that place with me and probably do not know that some of us there were deeply hurt by the environment.

I am 18 years removed from the place and people whose toxic faith and spiritually abusive behavior nearly destroyed my faith in God and, essentially handicapped my ability to teach to my full potential as well. And I still feel anxiety because of the things that happened there. I still feel unworthy. I still remember vividly the ways in which I was demeaned and convinced that I was never going to be good enough for God.

This book is literally the first place where I have seen or heard these very important words: "It wasn't your fault".

I don't talk about this because people's responses (even those closest to me) are invariably to say why it was my fault. Why I should have left sooner. Why I should've responded differently. Or that I took things too personally or "knew" they were wrong so how could it have hurt me. Diederich doesn't do this. He clearly explains how smart people, in good faith, get taken in by abusive leaders. He helps readers see why those people were able to or chose to prey on them. But above all, he is clear, "It wasn't your fault".

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an important book, especially for people serving in any spiritual leadership capacity or who care about this topic. The author comes around the spiritually wounded with much understanding and compassion. As someone who has personally been affected by spiritual trauma, his tone was very meaningful to me. He speaks as a pastor, but also as one who previously experienced spiritual trauma that impacted his life dramatically for years. Gratefully, it also led to this book.

I appreciate his humility in sharing examples of how he has contributed to spiritual abuse and toxic faith in the past, showing that this is something all of us need to be aware of and be accountable to each other for. We all participate, we all bring something to the table, and we can unintentionally harm when we mean to help. And yet, he offers grace to not only the afflicted, but the inflictors. He offers hope and steps to healing for both.

Bringing awareness to this topic in general is crucial for protecting and bringing healing to the spiritual lives of people in our generation. That’s a big statement; but from listening to the many voices that speak in this book, in my own life, and in the current feeling towards the church by so many today, I believe it is an appropriate one. What good is church growth if it’s reach brings harm to those it extends to, causing possibly greater barriers between the soul of the person and God than what existed before? Mercifully, He is greater than our mistakes...

My hope is that more books like this are written, and more hearts are lit with it’s message for those who have sadly needed to leave the organized church in order to find wholeness.

[Meredith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Probably the most succinct book on toxic church groups I have read (and I have read a lot). I wish I had this book 10 years ago. I appreciate that the author defines his terms (toxic, abuse, etc) and doesn't just assume that everyone agrees with the term. The chapters are brief but packed full of information. It leads to a lot of good discussion and reflection. He actually encourages one who has been abused by the church to step away from a time and detox. He compares it to a person who leaves an abusive marriage. They should not get into another relationship right away. They need time to heal and see the destructive patterns in the past relationship first so that they do not repeat them in a new one. I also appreciate that the author encourages those who have been abused by the church to not give up on God. He found healing and is still a part of the church. I loved the survivor input at the end of some chapters in which others explained their experiences. I thought this was very helpful to see others who have experienced the same dynamics as our family. This book was healing on so many levels and I highly recommend it.

[Jill · Rating 3 out of 5]

A fascinating and sad look at the damage bad pastors and leaders can do to believers. But the author seems to also have a hard time with discernment, as some of the authors and pastors he recommends are not solid.so I definitely would not recommend.

[Jung Sun · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was hopeful when I started the book. Overall, he’s pretty spot on with what spiritual abuse looks like and what it can do to people. However, I started to have trouble trusting some of his advice when he references Richard Rohr, Brene Brown, Henri Nouwen and the like. These individuals are not sound biblically and endorse new age/mystical practices with progressive views. Also, suggesting to NOT pray, read your Bible, and worship if you’re not FEELING it’s right or ready to because of years of being under unbiblical leadership twisting of God’s word; What kind of advice is this to give suffering Christians, and from a pastor?? If anything, these are the basic things a Christian SHOULD RUN TO, and work at unraveling the lies from His word. The devil would be delighted to see Christians NOT doing these basic but vital habits.

To know the true God is to be in His Word, not off sitting somewhere doing nothing in silence to develop “an ear to hear God…by yourself. Toxic faith blocks hearing from God because it forces you to focus on your performance. Spiritual abuse blocks hearing from God because it forces you to listen to the demands of a spiritual leader. After years in this environment…a supposedly spiritual context…you lose a true connection with God. You want that back.” (pg. 99) And ironically that’s a red flag for me. Spiritual abuse almost always include the twisting and mishandling of the Bible by spiritual leaders, and they get away with it because people don’t know their Bible. I was guilty of that myself. Spiritually immature people just obey and trust the leaders. An added layer is when the leaders claim personal revelations from God and teach extra biblical spiritual gifts such as hearing from God outside of the Bible keeping people ignorant of Bible truth. So I disagree with his suggestion to sharpen your listening skills for hearing God speak to you. Start reading and studying the Bible regularly. Do find a few friends or community that you can process what you’re going thru. Even a Christian therapist who has experience with trauma and spiritual abuse would be good. (The author suggests this but not so much someone with same faith. I think that’s important)

I came away getting the sense Diederich’s Christianity is different from mine, and I can’t comfortably apply some of his suggestions to my own life, or really suggest his book to fellow believers who have suffered spiritual abuse. However, in general, his insight on the workings and symptoms of a toxic church and spiritual abuse is helpful. (I did check out the church he founded and pastored (he’s now retired) online and listened to one of the sermons.Definitely not the church for me, or anyone seeking biblical church focused on Jesus Christ. One of the wonderful things of being able to listen to sermons online when checking out churches. The church network I left doesn’t post any of their sermons publicly. 👎🏼

[Danielle · Rating 4 out of 5]

The aspects of spiritual abuse and the survivor stories were right on. Definitely some helpful Information.
The part that was disheartening was the quoting of multiple “Christian” mystic teachers. Brennan Manning, Richard Rohr, and Henry Nouwen. Those are all a major red flag and a big nope from me after much research into the backgrounds and teachings.

[Steve Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Remy understands toxic faith. His own faith nearly shattered after he left an unhealthy community. Indeed, Remy experienced a long sojourn outside of organized religion before realizing that the best way to help heal the wounds was from within, not without. He is a counselor and author, but most of all he is a pastor in the very best sense of the term: a good shepherd who cares most deeply for lost and wounded sheep.

Because of his personal experience with spiritual abuse, Remy’s chapters are short, clear, and filled with practical advice on how to evaluate the health of your faith and your faith community. If you are in a toxic setting, Remy gives clear instructions on how to exit it and how to begin your healing journey. He even includes an entire section for ministers who may have created a toxic environment in their own community—a section unprecedented, as far as I know, in the wide literature on toxic faith and spiritual abuse.

Most gratifyingly—at least I was gratified by it—Remy writes with graceful pastoral care, a rare quality in this genre. I savored this book as I would savor an afternoon in the sun. When I put it down, the warm feeling of being understood and cared for lingered. What a grace.

This book is for three types of people:

First, if you have begun to smell the odor of toxic faith in your church or faith community, this book is for you. It is a tool to identify toxic faith and spiritual abuse. If something like it had fallen into my hands two decades ago, perhaps my story would be different.

Second, if you have had your trust broken by abusive spiritual leaders, these pages will help jump-start your healing journey with dozens of practical steps and gracious suggestions.

And third, if you are a spiritual leader who struggles with the realization that you may have caused spiritual abuse or toxic faith in your organization, this book is for you. Hold fast to it. You won’t find this severe mercy anywhere else.

My hope is that "Broken Trust" receives the wide readership it deserves and becomes a tool of grace to shatter the chains of toxic faith and bring liberty to captives.

[Hiram Brown · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was relevant to my life on many levels

I was surprised that this straight forward book kept cutting straight to my core. The concepts in this book weave into my current quest to understand narcissism in my own life and the culture at large. I think I have learned that we are ALL on the narcissistic spectrum but that the concepts around people manipulating other people are very important. Everything he covered seemed to relate to my failed marriage of 40 years, my experiences in many different churches, many different Christian and secular counselors (couple and individual) and my childhood family of origin issues. I have spent my life wrestling with boundaries (lack thereof, what the heck ARE healthy boundaries anyway?!?). His insistence that we are loved by God and not constantly being graded on our performance is an old idea but not one that I could ever really grasp. It’s hard to explain color to a man born blind. It’s hard to explain musical harmony to a person born deaf. A life begun with a belief that you are “not quite good enough” just naturally rolls into a lifetime of manipulation issues.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would recommend this to everyone, especially as a means of preventing spiritual abuse. It's time we stop cleaning up the mess and start monitoring the health if our leaders more closely.

My situation was much more subtle than most examples of spiritual abuse I've read about. For a long time i couldn't figure out what was wrong about it. Then I read about spiritual abuse but hesitated to call it what it was because my perception was so hard to trust. Remy's addition to the usual symptoms was spot on what I experienced. His are less anecdotal and specific and more character-based. If you read nothing else, please read the chapter on symptoms. It's easy to read the more extreme examples and think it's not your situation.

I am afraid to even write this review because I don't want to talk about people in such a way on the internet, yet it is the truth.

[Dominick Degilio · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was good on many aspects and so deserving of a few stars. My concern is the tainting it has by the quoting of Richard Rohr, a heretic. Without a doubt, his influence leads to spiritual abuse within the demise of a false gospel. His teachings, book, influenced the leaders who engaged in spiritual abuse toward myself and others. Book suggestions in the back as well, the Shack? Not biblical either. Besides those two problems, the book was decent. I appreciated the “survivor input” sections.

[Ashleigh · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was so moved by this book that I had to reach out to the author to share how valuable this book is and also share my own experiences that lead me to read it. There is a deep source of pain that Mr. Diederich understands in such an intimate way and he shares that with his readers. That allows his readers to instantly trust him and take to heart the valuable advice, teachings, and reminders he offers. This book is priceless.

[Moses Flores · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is the real deal! Very, very insightful with regards to spiritual abuse and what it’s like to go through it. As someone just starting to recognize it and in the middle of addressing it at my church, it’s a hard pill to swallow with the reality of what lies ahead.

Anybody in church leadership needs to read this book or have it recommended to avoid Satan’s devices in their own churches.

[charlotte · Rating 5 out of 5]

Perfect Timing

Thank you for your obedience in writing this book. Although God has brought beauty out of my broken pieces, there are still times when I am triggered or feel lost in my grief over what I have lost. You have put to words what I could not express and validated what I could not share

[Cindy · Rating 1 out of 5]

Uninformed, Narcissistic Enabling Book

I had some disagreements before chapter 10, which is supposed to be about understanding the abusive leader. Instead, the chapter is full of enabling and excuse making. The author of this book is uninformed about trauma, abuse, narcissism and many other issues. He also uses victim blaming language quite a bit. I do not recommend this book.

[Zhang Eddy · Rating 5 out of 5]

very good and practical book about spiritual abuse.

[Jill Sumi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very helpful in understanding where spirituality can be used against people and how to recover from the harms created

[MeDenne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Healing from toxic religion

Excellent book. What I needed at a time like this. Validated so many things and confirmed the need for safe churches and Christian colleges/schools.

[Naomi Mirauta · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good but not very practical

[Debbie Mcnulty · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really wanted to like this book. In the end, too much of the advice was Bible-based and not helpful for someone like me who has left the church.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.75 stars

This is a good book for identifying toxic faith and spiritual abuse in church and for validating the pain survivors go through and the time it may take to heal.

[Carrie W · Rating 4 out of 5]

Content was great, writing itself was a little clunky.

[XOX · Rating 1 out of 5]

Failed. Fall short in guiding people to stay away from religion.

[Jordan Good · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very practical and down to earth insight. Easy to digest and apply. I really appreciated this book!

[Liz Kahle · Rating 3 out of 5]

It is uncanny how often I am asked what spiritual abuse is when I bring it up in conversation. I would recommend Diederich's book to those who are interested in learning more about it and its ramifications, not only upon "the church" but upon the emotional, mental, and physical health of those who have experienced it. The use of quotes from real people who have encountered spiritual abuse (and many who are still recovering) offers helpful insights into underlying effects which are not easy to pinpoint. I especially appreciate Diedrich's compassionate "presence" throughout this read. Compassion is not a marker of a spiritual abuser so for those reading this who have encountered this form of abuse, my hope is that they would find in Diederich a safe place to process, grieve, and hopefully move further into healing.

[Louise Lawson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another great book about spiritual abuse

I would highly recommend this book to anybody who may have been the victim of spiritual abuse. I’ve read a few books and this was a good one for identifying the abuse and validating it. I would recommend others (that are referenced in this book) for the way forward and healing from it.