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Daring to Love: Move Beyond Fear of Intimacy, Embrace Vulnerability, and Create Lasting Connection
When it comes to finding love, are you standing in your own way? Daring to Love will help you identify the internal barriers that cause you to sabotage your love life, open yourself up to vulnerability, and build the intimate, lasting relationship you truly desire. After a breakup, most of us spend a lot of time thinking long and hard about what the other person did to cause it, rather than reflecting on ourselves. It seems self-evident that we want our romantic relationships to work, and that love and long-term commitment are our ultimate goals. But what if our desire for love is actually not as straightforward as our emotions make us believe? What if, instead of pursuing love, we are unconsciously pushing it away? In Daring to Love , Tamsen and Robert W. Firestone offer techniques based in Robert Firestone’s groundbreaking voice therapy—the process of giving spoken word to unhealthy patterns—to help you understand how you are getting in your own way on the quest for true love. Love, the Firestones argue, makes us vulnerable and triggers old defenses we formed in childhood, causing us to sabotage our relationships in myriad subtle—and not-so-subtle—ways. Using the voice therapy strategies in this book, you will be able to identify your own defensive patterns and uncover the destructive messages your critical inner voice is telling you about yourself, your partners, and your relationships. If you’re struggling to cultivate lasting relationships, this book can help you embark on your next romantic journey with more openness and self-knowledge.
208 pages, Paperback
Published May 1, 2018
About the author
Tamsen Firestone
2 books9 followersTamsen Firestone is founder and editor-in-chief of www.psychalive .org, an online mental health resource visited by millions of people each year. She has also been principal editor for many of the books written by her husband, author and clinical psychologist Robert W. Firestone. Among these are Fear of Intimacy, Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice, and The Fantasy Bond. Her work, including the PsychAlive website, speaks to the general public and provides easy-to-understand, practical steps that a person can follow to apply her husband’s theories of human behavior in order to experience a more rewarding and fulfilling life. Daring to Love is her latest endeavor in this effort. She lives in Santa Barbara, CA.
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Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews
May 7, 2018
A terrific book that helps those struggling with their closest relationships. I would recommend this book!!
April 29, 2019
Daring to Love is an extraordinarily eye-opening peek into the real reasons that people struggle in love relationships. I’ve been a psychologist for over 30 years, so I realize that what people usually believe about their relationships problems are misguided. Tamsen Firestone has captured what is really going on, and what we are actually up against. She identifies the early hurts and trauma that leave us reluctant to open up to loving, explains how we get in the way of what we say we want, and tells us what we need to do to experience the love that we truly crave. She explains all of this in straight-forward, practical ways, and offers lots of exercises that people can use to improve and deepen their relationships. Couples that read the book and work their way through the exercises will have found a sure-fire way to create a truly loving relationship. Tamsen and Bob Firestone have given another gift to our relationships. Enjoy!
May 8, 2018
I love this book! As someone who has struggled in intimate relationships, I've been very interested in the work Robert Firestone and associates for many years. I have participated in the Glendon and PsychAlive workshops and found the basic theories of Firestone's work to be potent principles that interrupt some of my unwittingly self-destructive relationship behavior. I found Tamsen Firestone's book, Daring to Love, to be a refreshing NEW way to absorb the principles of Firestone' scholarly work on a visceral, easy to assimilate level. Through reading Daring To Love, I found concepts that always made sense to me on an intellectual level became living, breathing, tangible insights in my everyday awareness. This is having a good impact on my relationship and on all areas of my life, really. I recommend this book for anyone who has struggled to find, keep or tolerate loving relationships!
March 26, 2026
3.5-3.75 stars
At first when I started reading this book I thought it would be amazing! I loved what topics the authors were covering and it had a lot of potential. I was curious to learn more about the main intervention, voice therapy.
As the book progressed, I was a little disappointed to see 'voice therapy' was the same exercise over and over and over, depending on the chapter, it would repeat the identical steps as every previous chapter. I also wasn't very convinced by this solution. It encourages you to directly fight against your critical inner voice. I think it fell in the middle of the spectrum between not useful and helpful. There are definitely some benefits, but I don't think it gets to the core issues, and it directly conflicts with other modalities I've studied like IFS.
There were still useful anecdotes, information and a few exercises, but unfortunately how good I thought the book was declined, and it also became slower for me to get through and I started to enjoy it less.
I think the best exercises were some of the Journal exercises - those were actually unique prompts depending on the topic of the chapter.
The core argument of Daring to Love is that true love makes people feel vulnerable, which in turn triggers old defensive patterns formed in childhood. The authors argue that while people consciously desire love, they unconsciously push it away through self-destructive behaviors.
(^from AI).
The book content is as follows:
1. Our Defenses and How They Get In the Way of Love
2. The Critical Inner Voice That Supports Our Defenses
3. The Voice Therapy Method
4. When Love Makes Us Feel Vulnerable
5. When Love Disrupts the Fantasy Bond
6. When Love Challenges Our Negative Identity
7. When Love Triggers Guilt
8. When Love Arouses Deep Sadness
9. When Love Stirs Up Our Fear of Loss
10. A Look Ahead
I think for what I was EXPECTING based on the title/description, I would give this book a 3. If I had no expectations and just picked up this book without knowing any info beforehand, I'd give it closer to a 4. This book is really good for getting into unconscious behaviour, and the SOURCE of that behaviour, but unfortunately their SOLUTION is not 100% solid to me - I think fighting against your critical voice has a place, but that doesn't seem like enough to actually heal yourself. However, I do think the other concepts in the book are worthwhile, even if the authors didn't get to how to heal the core causes of insecurity/sabotaging behaviours.
Quick Summary of Key Concepts
Understanding Self-Sabotage: How individuals often unconsciously push love away or ruin relationships due to old, irrational defenses formed in childhood.
The Critical Inner Voice: A major focus is identifying the "critical inner voice," a destructive thought process that tells you that you are unlovable or that your partner will hurt you, encouraging behaviors that break down intimacy.
Embracing Vulnerability: The authors argue that true love requires vulnerability, and they provide methods to move past the fear of being vulnerable and the guilt associated with being loved.
(from AI).
In conclusion, I would recommend this book to others, as a book to be read with other books, not the sole book you should read on this topic. It's a great start, there are wonderful journal exercises inside, and you will very likely learn something, but the most benefit will come from also reading other books on the topics of emotional intimacy, vulnerability, fear and relationships.
Notes (for myself)
Defensive Strategies: Selection, Distortion & Provocation
"When love comes along, and our newfound happiness makes us feel guilty in relation to a family member or someone else important to us, we often react quickly in self-defeating ways, usually without being aware of what we're doing. We hold ourselves back and limit ourselves in order to eradicate the distinction that has been created by our happiness. No matter what has triggered our guilt, we often seek to relieve it by abandoning course, going back to what was familiar before happiness appeared. Essentially, we return to being the person we used to be, which usually means going back to who we were in our family of origin. One way to accomplish this U-turn is to introduce the psychological environment of our past into our present-day relationship, using three primary defensive strategies, which often work together." (122)
Selection
"If you select a partner similar to one of your parents, or someone with another primary role in childhood, there is little difference. How you are treated, seen and related to will be consistent with what you experienced when you were younger. Keeping everything the same ensures you will not feel the anxiety, fear and guilt that can accompany your becoming an individual and distinguishing yourself from your family of origin/early environment. You are able to maintain your sense of safety, security & stability, but at a cost." (122)
Example (122-123): 'Maria: had a stay at home mother, who was submissive to her father. Maria was unlike her mother - confident and outgoing. She was popular when single and dated fun-loving boyfriends. She then married Paul, who was stern/condescending. Over time, Maria's friends began to see a change in her. She was losing her old self-confidence and assertiveness, and deferring to her husband. She had chosen a man who related to her in much the same way her father related to her mother, and to her.'
Distortion
If your partner relates to you more positively than members of your family did, you can erase that contrast by distorting your partner and seeing them as having negative characteristics... imagine hostility, disapproval or hostility where there is none. (123)
Provocation
"Provocation can re-create the psychological environment of your past. For example, if you were disregarded in your family, you can act in ways that elicit a dismissive response from your partner. If you were condescended to, you can be incompetent and childish and draw a parental response from your partner. When this occurs, your partner often ends up making the same kinds of judgmental and critical comments you heard as a child. In effect, you have turned your loved one into someone from your past." (123-124)
Preserving Individuality to Strengthen Your Relationship
"Two fundamental factors contributing to the success of your relationship are your own continued development as an individual and your appreciation and support for your partner's individuality. You are learning to value your independence and striving to maintain your integrity by remaining adult, open, undefended and honest in your interactions. You are learning to respect the fact that your partner is a sovereign individual, separate from you and your relationship. A relationship thrives when two strong individuals bring distinctive and varied qualities to their partnership." (167)
We Often Feel Embarassed...
"We often feel embarrassed to talk about what we want. Not the easy wants ('I want to go to a new restaurant,' 'I want a new jacket'), but the personal wants from deep down, where we feel most vulnerable ('I want you to say sweet things to me', 'I want to be more affectionate with you', 'I want to be around you more'). Most of us grew up feeling ashamed of these wants. However, the more you communicate on this level, the more in touch you will be with yourself, and the more authentic you will be as a person. When you communicate with your partner on this level, many of the trivial issues between you vanish. As inconsequential matters are minimized, you become more concerned with what is really important." (172)
The Act of Loving
"No relationship can exist in a vacuum. The act of loving is more gratifying for both the lover and beloved than the state of being in love. That state is passive. It easily dissolves into an internal fantasy about being in love, and its passivity encourages your critical inner voice. But the act of loving discourages that voice. The act of loving involves various types of real behaviour (offering emotional/physical acts of affection; expressing tenderness, compassion & sensitivity to your partner's needs; sharing activities & interests; maintaining honest exchanges of personal thoughts and feelings) that will keep a close relationship alive and vital. There are 3 simple steps in the act of loving:
1. Acknowledging and accepting your partner's loving actions
2. Being grateful and expressing your gratitude
3. Giving back with actions of your own" (180)
Acknowledging & Accepting Loving Actions
"The first step is to acknowledge and accept the loving actions coming from your partner. This is more difficult than it sounds because most of us lack full awareness of what is given to us. We tend to see our partner in terms of what we want from them or what we should be getting from them.
To gain perspective, step back from your partner. As you stand apart, get a feeling for yourself as a separate, independent person, perfectly capable of functioning on your own. The world doesn't owe you anything; and in spite of life's disappointments and frustrations, you are a victim of no one. You are just you, alone. Now look at your partner, apart from you. Separate from anything you want, expect or demand from your partner. Separate from any role your partner may be fulfilling in relation to you. Like you, your partner is a person, alone.
Once you are able to experience yourself and your partner from this vantage point--seeing the two of you as two discrete individuals--look at what your partner is giving you. Don't look for grandiose gestures of love and devotion. Don't look for what you think your partner ought to be doing for you. Look for real, everyday acts of thoughtfulness, sensitivity, kindness. Look for unique acts of giving that are an expression of your partner's nature and sensitivity to your nature. Partners hurt each other by overlooking simple acts of love. When you acknowledge your partner's acts of love, you accept the love your partner is offering to you." (181)
Being Grateful and Expressing Your Gratitude
"Don't rely on the occasional extravagant or effusive expression of gratitude. Instead, express your gratitude to your partner whenever you experience tender feelings of thankfulness because he or she has extended kindness, sensitivity or generosity to you." (181)
26: critical voice attacks real self"
37: voice therapy - identify"
42: step 3 reflect / step 4 confront"
46: which behaviour you're going to stop, which behaviour you will engage in"
72: how you can be more generous"
76: journal - planning for action to express (and accept) more affection
84: fantasy bond in a couple, form replaces substance
86: equality is damaged (couple example)
89: journal -- behaviour that indicates a fantasy bond"
103: our negative identity
104: journal - what is your negative identity today?"
111: guilt from separating from parents
112: journal - what is your real identity?"
122: concept - defensive strategies: selection, distortion, provocation"
161-162: Fred & Zsuzsa story
"164: A Look Ahead- When you become open"
167: preserving individuality to strengthen your relationship
172: often embarrassed to talk about what we "want" (need)"
180: The Act of Loving
181: Acknowledging and Accepting Your Partner's Loving Actions &
Being Grateful and Expressing Your Gratitude"
At first when I started reading this book I thought it would be amazing! I loved what topics the authors were covering and it had a lot of potential. I was curious to learn more about the main intervention, voice therapy.
As the book progressed, I was a little disappointed to see 'voice therapy' was the same exercise over and over and over, depending on the chapter, it would repeat the identical steps as every previous chapter. I also wasn't very convinced by this solution. It encourages you to directly fight against your critical inner voice. I think it fell in the middle of the spectrum between not useful and helpful. There are definitely some benefits, but I don't think it gets to the core issues, and it directly conflicts with other modalities I've studied like IFS.
There were still useful anecdotes, information and a few exercises, but unfortunately how good I thought the book was declined, and it also became slower for me to get through and I started to enjoy it less.
I think the best exercises were some of the Journal exercises - those were actually unique prompts depending on the topic of the chapter.
The core argument of Daring to Love is that true love makes people feel vulnerable, which in turn triggers old defensive patterns formed in childhood. The authors argue that while people consciously desire love, they unconsciously push it away through self-destructive behaviors.
(^from AI).
The book content is as follows:
1. Our Defenses and How They Get In the Way of Love
2. The Critical Inner Voice That Supports Our Defenses
3. The Voice Therapy Method
4. When Love Makes Us Feel Vulnerable
5. When Love Disrupts the Fantasy Bond
6. When Love Challenges Our Negative Identity
7. When Love Triggers Guilt
8. When Love Arouses Deep Sadness
9. When Love Stirs Up Our Fear of Loss
10. A Look Ahead
I think for what I was EXPECTING based on the title/description, I would give this book a 3. If I had no expectations and just picked up this book without knowing any info beforehand, I'd give it closer to a 4. This book is really good for getting into unconscious behaviour, and the SOURCE of that behaviour, but unfortunately their SOLUTION is not 100% solid to me - I think fighting against your critical voice has a place, but that doesn't seem like enough to actually heal yourself. However, I do think the other concepts in the book are worthwhile, even if the authors didn't get to how to heal the core causes of insecurity/sabotaging behaviours.
Quick Summary of Key Concepts
Understanding Self-Sabotage: How individuals often unconsciously push love away or ruin relationships due to old, irrational defenses formed in childhood.
The Critical Inner Voice: A major focus is identifying the "critical inner voice," a destructive thought process that tells you that you are unlovable or that your partner will hurt you, encouraging behaviors that break down intimacy.
Embracing Vulnerability: The authors argue that true love requires vulnerability, and they provide methods to move past the fear of being vulnerable and the guilt associated with being loved.
(from AI).
In conclusion, I would recommend this book to others, as a book to be read with other books, not the sole book you should read on this topic. It's a great start, there are wonderful journal exercises inside, and you will very likely learn something, but the most benefit will come from also reading other books on the topics of emotional intimacy, vulnerability, fear and relationships.
Notes (for myself)
Defensive Strategies: Selection, Distortion & Provocation
"When love comes along, and our newfound happiness makes us feel guilty in relation to a family member or someone else important to us, we often react quickly in self-defeating ways, usually without being aware of what we're doing. We hold ourselves back and limit ourselves in order to eradicate the distinction that has been created by our happiness. No matter what has triggered our guilt, we often seek to relieve it by abandoning course, going back to what was familiar before happiness appeared. Essentially, we return to being the person we used to be, which usually means going back to who we were in our family of origin. One way to accomplish this U-turn is to introduce the psychological environment of our past into our present-day relationship, using three primary defensive strategies, which often work together." (122)
Selection
"If you select a partner similar to one of your parents, or someone with another primary role in childhood, there is little difference. How you are treated, seen and related to will be consistent with what you experienced when you were younger. Keeping everything the same ensures you will not feel the anxiety, fear and guilt that can accompany your becoming an individual and distinguishing yourself from your family of origin/early environment. You are able to maintain your sense of safety, security & stability, but at a cost." (122)
Example (122-123): 'Maria: had a stay at home mother, who was submissive to her father. Maria was unlike her mother - confident and outgoing. She was popular when single and dated fun-loving boyfriends. She then married Paul, who was stern/condescending. Over time, Maria's friends began to see a change in her. She was losing her old self-confidence and assertiveness, and deferring to her husband. She had chosen a man who related to her in much the same way her father related to her mother, and to her.'
Distortion
If your partner relates to you more positively than members of your family did, you can erase that contrast by distorting your partner and seeing them as having negative characteristics... imagine hostility, disapproval or hostility where there is none. (123)
Provocation
"Provocation can re-create the psychological environment of your past. For example, if you were disregarded in your family, you can act in ways that elicit a dismissive response from your partner. If you were condescended to, you can be incompetent and childish and draw a parental response from your partner. When this occurs, your partner often ends up making the same kinds of judgmental and critical comments you heard as a child. In effect, you have turned your loved one into someone from your past." (123-124)
Preserving Individuality to Strengthen Your Relationship
"Two fundamental factors contributing to the success of your relationship are your own continued development as an individual and your appreciation and support for your partner's individuality. You are learning to value your independence and striving to maintain your integrity by remaining adult, open, undefended and honest in your interactions. You are learning to respect the fact that your partner is a sovereign individual, separate from you and your relationship. A relationship thrives when two strong individuals bring distinctive and varied qualities to their partnership." (167)
We Often Feel Embarassed...
"We often feel embarrassed to talk about what we want. Not the easy wants ('I want to go to a new restaurant,' 'I want a new jacket'), but the personal wants from deep down, where we feel most vulnerable ('I want you to say sweet things to me', 'I want to be more affectionate with you', 'I want to be around you more'). Most of us grew up feeling ashamed of these wants. However, the more you communicate on this level, the more in touch you will be with yourself, and the more authentic you will be as a person. When you communicate with your partner on this level, many of the trivial issues between you vanish. As inconsequential matters are minimized, you become more concerned with what is really important." (172)
The Act of Loving
"No relationship can exist in a vacuum. The act of loving is more gratifying for both the lover and beloved than the state of being in love. That state is passive. It easily dissolves into an internal fantasy about being in love, and its passivity encourages your critical inner voice. But the act of loving discourages that voice. The act of loving involves various types of real behaviour (offering emotional/physical acts of affection; expressing tenderness, compassion & sensitivity to your partner's needs; sharing activities & interests; maintaining honest exchanges of personal thoughts and feelings) that will keep a close relationship alive and vital. There are 3 simple steps in the act of loving:
1. Acknowledging and accepting your partner's loving actions
2. Being grateful and expressing your gratitude
3. Giving back with actions of your own" (180)
Acknowledging & Accepting Loving Actions
"The first step is to acknowledge and accept the loving actions coming from your partner. This is more difficult than it sounds because most of us lack full awareness of what is given to us. We tend to see our partner in terms of what we want from them or what we should be getting from them.
To gain perspective, step back from your partner. As you stand apart, get a feeling for yourself as a separate, independent person, perfectly capable of functioning on your own. The world doesn't owe you anything; and in spite of life's disappointments and frustrations, you are a victim of no one. You are just you, alone. Now look at your partner, apart from you. Separate from anything you want, expect or demand from your partner. Separate from any role your partner may be fulfilling in relation to you. Like you, your partner is a person, alone.
Once you are able to experience yourself and your partner from this vantage point--seeing the two of you as two discrete individuals--look at what your partner is giving you. Don't look for grandiose gestures of love and devotion. Don't look for what you think your partner ought to be doing for you. Look for real, everyday acts of thoughtfulness, sensitivity, kindness. Look for unique acts of giving that are an expression of your partner's nature and sensitivity to your nature. Partners hurt each other by overlooking simple acts of love. When you acknowledge your partner's acts of love, you accept the love your partner is offering to you." (181)
Being Grateful and Expressing Your Gratitude
"Don't rely on the occasional extravagant or effusive expression of gratitude. Instead, express your gratitude to your partner whenever you experience tender feelings of thankfulness because he or she has extended kindness, sensitivity or generosity to you." (181)
26: critical voice attacks real self"
37: voice therapy - identify"
42: step 3 reflect / step 4 confront"
46: which behaviour you're going to stop, which behaviour you will engage in"
72: how you can be more generous"
76: journal - planning for action to express (and accept) more affection
84: fantasy bond in a couple, form replaces substance
86: equality is damaged (couple example)
89: journal -- behaviour that indicates a fantasy bond"
103: our negative identity
104: journal - what is your negative identity today?"
111: guilt from separating from parents
112: journal - what is your real identity?"
122: concept - defensive strategies: selection, distortion, provocation"
161-162: Fred & Zsuzsa story
"164: A Look Ahead- When you become open"
167: preserving individuality to strengthen your relationship
172: often embarrassed to talk about what we "want" (need)"
180: The Act of Loving
181: Acknowledging and Accepting Your Partner's Loving Actions &
Being Grateful and Expressing Your Gratitude"
November 22, 2024
mentioned multiple times that refusing sex, even as an unconscious thing not meant to hurt your partner, hurts your partner. so the solution is... have sex even if you don't want to? obviously don't use sex as an ultimatum or punishment for your relationship, but surely i'm allowed to not be in the mood???
in one of the examples in the book, a guy's "critical inner voice" calls him a nerd. His response? "i am not a nerd!! you're wrong!!" as if 1) being a nerd is a bad thing (it's not) and 2) is the reason women don't want you (it's not)
in one of the examples in the book, a guy's "critical inner voice" calls him a nerd. His response? "i am not a nerd!! you're wrong!!" as if 1) being a nerd is a bad thing (it's not) and 2) is the reason women don't want you (it's not)
January 30, 2025
Daring to Love had a lot of really good information. We all say that we want to find love and long term relationships. But, we often sabotage our efforts because we’re afraid to truly let ourselves be vulnerable and let our loved ones truly get to know who we are on a deeper level. There are some really good suggestions on overcoming our fears and letting ourselves forge deeper relationships.
May 17, 2022
Beautiful
Simple and straightforward applications to correct your inner voice. Some sections led me to cry as I realized negative beliefs I held and corrected. Already changing my life.
Simple and straightforward applications to correct your inner voice. Some sections led me to cry as I realized negative beliefs I held and corrected. Already changing my life.
March 7, 2020
Comforting and reaffirming
Love and loving really are what life is about. This book explains the origins of self defeating behaviour and offers solutions to help you grow towards love.
Love and loving really are what life is about. This book explains the origins of self defeating behaviour and offers solutions to help you grow towards love.
Read
September 15, 2025DNF but enjoyed what I enjoyed!
May 11, 2018
I found this book easy to relate to and full of information I can apply to current situations. The author's previous and ongoing projects (principal editor on many of Robert Firestone's books and editor of www.psychalive.org) along with this latest project share many tools for all to (dis) arm ourselves with! Read, enjoy!
Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews