Coping With Critical, Demanding, and Dysfunctional Parents

by David M. Allen

Do you have a parent who is invalidating, critical, demanding, or hateful?
If so, your pain is very real, and you've likely struggled with thoughts of shutting this parent out of your life for good. However, if dealing with a dysfunctional parent is an unfortunate necessity, or if you still yearn to have a more satisfying connection with them, this book can help you uncover the hidden motives behind their hurtful behavior, set boundaries, and ultimately foster healthier relationships.

This invaluable guide will help you develop unique assertiveness strategies based on the characteristics of your own family dynamics. You'll develop powerful communication skills to help set limits and protect yourself from your parent's cruel, insensitive, or spiteful behavior. And, most importantly, you'll learn to advocate for your own needs. If you've "had it up to here" with a parent who makes you feel as though you're just not good enough, this book can help you draw a line between you and your parent's toxicity while still maintaining peace in your family.

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction, Parenting, Reference, Relationships, Health

240 pages, Paperback

Published November 1, 2018

Reviews

[Randi · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book acknowledges that many dysfunctional parents have toxic behaviors, and these behaviors frequently fall into narcissism, but some of the advice it gives involves rolling over and entertaining and reinforcing the narcissistic behavior at the detriment of the adult child. No thanks.

[Rose · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quick review for a quick read. "Coping with Critical, Demanding, and Dysfunctional Parents" was an interesting read that was equal parts an examination of relationships, interpersonal and intrapersonal conflicts, psychological examinations of behaviors, and self-help guide. The book examines the reasons why adult children can have toxic interactions and relationships with parental figures in their lives. From that point, it describes 17 different strategies that one could use to diffuse the situation, maintain healthy boundaries and heal respectively from the harm caused by these caustic interactions. The book has thorough research behind it and provides ample citations into the behaviorial, social, and cultural reasons why parental figures can adopt blaming, unrealistic demands, among other harmful behaviors towards their children over the course of their life and how factors in their upbringing and attitudes can contribute to that.

By far, I think the background information was what I got the most use from this book. Yet when it came to the actual approaches to use, some of it was useful (such as the real life stories and applications) but others were a bit more simplified that I would've cared for. Granted, this book cites more than a few times that it isn't designed for parents with severe mental disorders or abusive tendencies without the backing of a professional. Yet, while the advice on approach is practical, empathetic, and useful, it may only be useful up to a certain point when it comes to interactions like this. Nonetheless, for someone who has no idea where to start, it's a good point to begin an approach to seeing the angles of how to break the cycle of the toxic relationship, set boundaries and dig a bit in order to help showcase the behaviors for what they are. Plus give the person on the blunt end of the caustic behaviors some relief and steps to heal. I thought it was well worth the read and a good supplement, though I think for specific personality, behaviorial, and mental disorders, it may be best to supplement this text with other resources.

Overall score: 3.5/5 stars.

Note: I received this as an ARC from NetGalley, from the publisher.

[Randal White · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think that most of us have had times when we grew frustrated with our parents. Why are they so hard on us? Why do they act like we are a disappointment to them? Why do they not value our opinions?
This book helps you to understand your parents. To examine their actions through the lens of their perspective, and things that they might have went through to cause them to act this way. To examine your own reactions, and whether or not they are productive.
The author explains how to approach the situation with your parents and how to discuss it. And then how to finally move forward into acceptance of the situation.

[Anastasiia Mozghova · Rating 3 out of 5]

a book that one should probably read once to get familiar with the ideas in it and then go back to it and use it as a manual. i've only done the first part so far!

[Patrycja · Rating 4 out of 5]

Description, example, practical tips and exercise. All of those elements makes you realise that there is actually a problem but there are the ways to survive. This science book is written in very accessible language which make it open for further group. Great work, hopefully it’s gonna make a change.

[Kimberly Mccune · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this book twice. Read it once to absorb the information and a second time to do the exercises as described. I find the information in this book so valuable that I permanently adding it to my home library.

[Jessica Cleghorn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredibly helpful book on navigating tough conversations. The advice would likely also be useful in non-familial relationships.

[Aasiya Muawiyha · Rating 5 out of 5]

I expected this book to be a difficult and emotionally straining read but it turned out to be exactly what I needed to hear.

David tactfully analyses common family patterns and elaborates on them with specific examples that hit close to home. It is beyond me how such a short read could be packed with such grace and wisdom that it holds life changing potential. The passages steer clear of any victimisation/victim blaming by providing frequent reminders of how vulnerable and downright clueless people can be. It is humbling to be so aware of another person’s failings and then be equipped with the reason and strength required to handle them gently.

Not only does it teach you how to manoeuver gut wrenching family scenarios, but every sentence is lined with sincere optimism and encouragement to pursue your own version of success that will ensue as devastating household problems subside.

Paralleling your own humanity with the indisputable (yet blemished) humanity of your primary caregivers can lead to introspection and self evaluation that sends chills down your spine.

David is very clear about his target audience and their needs, and he makes no mistake in guiding them towards a path that may take decades to clear (if it ever does) without proper guidance.

I will forever be indebted to the wholesome and surreal experience that this book was. It is safe to say that this read leaves you in a better place, and a slightly better person after it’s done.

[Adrian · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this is a great introduction to the intricate logic of dysfunctional families, the subject is very well explained and I have learned a lot from this book. There's no doubt in my mind this is the best introduction to the inner workings of a dysfunctional family for lay people. The title is a bit misleading and sounds like the usual pop psychology nonsense. It's not. This is solid. The examples involve explanations which are backed with elements of the discipline of logic and mounting proper arguments. Don't even get me started on the vast explanations from clinical experience.

I know the author wrote a disclaimer, but the title is not representative of the value of the book. That's why I put 4 stars. This works on normal people. i.e. slightly toxic people with no mental disorders with a complete lack of insight. Don't kid yourself, you are not a god to fix the un-fixable.

[Karina · Rating 2 out of 5]

Książka zawiera praktyczne porady, czasem wręcz dosłowne cytaty, których można używać w kontakcie z dysfunkcyjnym rodzicem. Jestem pewna, że może to pomóc części osób w lepszej komunikacji. Wydaje mi się, że część z tego jest jednak mocno życzeniowa i w założeniu stawia tezę, że zachowanie rodzica NA PEWNO zmieni się pod wpływem zachowania drugiego człowieka. Mam w sobie bunt na to, by odpowiedzialność za relacje złożyć na barkach wyłącznie dorosłego dziecka. Pomijamy wówczas wolność osobistą rodzica. Choćby nie wiem co zrobiło dorosłe dziecko, jeśli rodzic nie będzie chciał wprowadzić zmiany, to zmiany nie będzie. Nie możemy sugerować - postaraj się bardziej. My nie mamy kontroli nad zachowaniami drugiego człowieka, autor nie może we wstępie deklarować - ,,z pewnością jesteś w stanie powstrzymać rodziców przed robieniem X czy Y".

[Skye ☾⭒ · Rating 2 out of 5]

No my favorite therapy book. I’ve definitely read a lot better.

[Dominika · Rating 2 out of 5]

eh, maybe some people will find it helpful, but for me it was a waste of time.

[Wendy Wilson · Rating 2 out of 5]

Too much emphasis on understanding abusive behavior without required responsibility and accountability.

[Malia McRoberts · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not a good purchase. It could have been written by a narcissist. This book just tells you how to rephrase talking to narcissistic parents and to give them grace. Do not recommend.

[David Ward · Rating 3 out of 5]

Coping With Critical, Demanding, and Dysfunctional Parents: Powerful Strategies to Help Adult Children Maintain Boundaries and Stay Sane by David M. Allen, MD (New Harbinger Publications Inc. 2018) (306.874) (3390).

How interesting! Author David M. Allen has written an instructional manual for folks who survived to adulthood not because of their parents but in spite of their parents. The author defines “parents” as “primary attachment figures who had a hand in raising you with whom you maintain a relationship”. (p.9).

Most of the books I've read which purport to provide psychological self-diagnosis and advice seem to seek their audience among low hanging fruit, so to speak: readers whose lives are coming off the rails or whose lives have devolved into dysfunctionality.

Fortunately for readers, this is not that book. David Allen's volume seems to this layreader to provide solidly prescient suggestions and strategies for keeping oneself mentally stable when dealing with less-than-stable parents and parental guidance.

I'll defer final judgement on this tome until actual mental health professionals weigh in on its merit, but at first blush this little book seems to be filled with practical advice and coping strategies.

My rating: 7/10, finished 9/12/19 (3390).