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234 pages, Paperback
First published May 29, 2017
Crushes are very strange things; they’re a warning sign in the word itself—crush: to deform, pulverize, or force inward by compressing forcefully. Whoever decided it was a good idea to equate deformity and compression to blooming affection was either very high or a genius—or maybe lost somewhere in between. But for good or bad, I could feel it: my heart pressing inward until the sound of it beating filled my ears again. I had a deformed, pulverized, compressed force on Chris, and there was nothing I could do about it.A.N. is an amazing author. Their way with words astounds me, and I had such a pleasure to work with him and edit the story. I could pick out a thousand lines that just sang so powerfully, because each line was so well thought out and full of heart.
Something inside me ached for him—a feeling a bit like leaving San Francisco behind or like getting punched in the face by my first schoolyard crush because boys weren’t supposed to kiss boys. It wasn’t the sort of ache that had a name, but the type that sat on top of your heart—dull and throbbing and easy to ignore if you piled enough on top of it, the kind you could swim away from with one easy move.Please know that this is not a conventional romance. It truly falls more into the literary genre. If you are looking for hot, steamy romance, you won't find it here. But I'd be lying if I said that there wasn't such a love and passion in this book. It takes intimacy in a very different way and boy do you feel it.
“I believe in human decency. I believe that when you make a promise to someone, you keep it. I believe that when you say ‘I love you,’ you should mean it. I believe that all of this….this is all excess, and life is crappy and strange and too much most of the time. And it’s hard. Hell, I know it’s hard. But it’s also really damn simple. You just live it, and you try not to treat people like crap while you do.”
For a small moment, a moment where the lump in my throat that Chris had left seemed too big to swallow and Nathan’s silence was deafening, I thought about agreeing. God knows it would have been easier. But there were bruises on my soles from running so long, and this was the finish line.
I’d run cities away to make sure no one was ever counting on me; I had never wanted to be anyone’s anything, never wanted to be depended on, but it was impossible, and I knew that now. We’re dependent creatures, humankind, and I was no different…. I had needed Rylie to remind me how to fight for what you wanted; I had needed Clay to lean on; I had needed Chris to remind me of all the things I’d forced myself to forget. And maybe the me in the mirror didn’t look like the me I knew, but I finally felt like him: better than what I remembered.