A Sinner in Mecca: A Gay Muslim's Hajj of Defiance

by Parvez Sharma

From the recipient of a 2018 Guggenheim Fellow Based on the New York Times' Critic Pick documentary   "The first book about the Hajj from a gay perspective, written by a man with a deep knowledge of Islamic history. This pilgrimage is the centerpiece of his book, and he recounts it with courage and fierce emotion." —The Guardian  This is the Islam you've never been allowed to see. Daringly reported from its frontlines and forbidden to most of humanity for centuries.   The Hajj pilgrimage is a journey every Muslim is commanded by God to go on at least once in a lifetime if they are able and, like millions, Parvez Sharma believes his spiritual salvation lies at Islam's ground zero, Mecca. But unlike the journeys of his fellow Muslims, the consequences of his own could be deadly.  In A Sinner in Mecca, author, filmmaker, and 2018 Guggenheim Fellow Parvez chronicles his pilgrimage as a very openly gay Muslim to Saudi Arabia, where Islam's heart beats . . . and where being true to himself is punishable by death. Risking his life, Parvez embarks on a Jihad of the self—filming his experience along the way. Already under fire for his documentary A Jihad for Love, which looks at the coexistence of Islam and homosexuality, he would undoubtedly face savage punishment if exposed—from being thrown off a cliff to public beheading.  Parvez's odyssey is at once audacious, global, and remarkable. He meets everyone from extremists to explorers of the spiritual kind and the world they open up is frightening . . . yet breathtaking. In Mecca, Parvez comes out to a pilgrim, who then asks him why he would want to be part of something that wants no part of him. This book is his answer to this question and many more. Parvez provides an unflinching look at our troubling unfolding history, including Hizbullah, ISIS, Trump, the race-wars, an embattled Europe, and more. He offers real solutions, borne of his efforts to get his hands dirty to find them. This is a lived history—and its author is no armchair theorist.  Following the New York Times Critics' Pick hit documentary of the same title, A Sinner in Mecca unflinchingly showcases parts of the dangerous ideology that governs today's ISIS and how much it has in common with Saudi Arabia's sacred, yet treacherous dogma, Wahhabi Islam. A Sinner in Mecca is simultaneously one man's personal odyssey as well as a groundbreaking, provocative revelation of a clandestine world and its fastest growing and most contested religion.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Religion, LGBT, Islam, Travel, History

306 pages, Kindle Edition

First published December 1, 2017

Reviews

[John · Rating 3 out of 5]

I feel bad about giving this one such a low review, but my takeaway from it is what it is. Interesting premise, and I could see where Sharma would be good at documentaries, but the bottom line with this book is that he came off a bit too much of an academic intellectual (a group he claims not to like particularly).

The travel narrative aspect I found easily the strongest part of the story. I had no idea that Mecca was such a . . . commercialized location with $$$$$ hotels and Rodeo Drive-like shopping. He managed to convey the contrast of seeing poor African villagers at a mall that would see like a trip to Mars for them. Another area where he deserves credit is that he also did a great job of making me feel exhausted reading about the heat and crowds (of Hajj month); yes, he saw people drop dead, not too convinced that in one of the wealthiest nations the family/friends were told by authorities it was a good thing as the person was " 'extra blessed' for dying at a holy city!" At another point, when he mentions the sheer number of beggars, he's told "I agree, it's horrible. A good thing non-Muslims cannot see this."

I never quite understood why he did so, but he joins a Shia group for his pilgrimage, despite being a Sunni himself. I suppose it was to see the experience from a different perspective? At any rate, Shia have enough of a difference in ritual that keeping his cover is a real challenge. He's found out at one point by someone who offers to help him, and tells the group leader as well, who is sympathetic that he'd be interested in their story. Think of it as a Protestant trying to keep up with Novenas, Hail Marys, etc. Then again, folks visiting Episcopal churches have been confused and exhausted with all the sitting/standing/kneeling. One comedian threw in juggling the Book of Common Prayer, service program, and hymnal as "Religious Jazzercize" - so I shouldn't be extremely harsh.

Now, we switch into why I didn't exactly care for the book at times. Sharma goes into a lot of depth and background for all that ritual. One doesn't just circle the Kaabaa a few times, and head home. I had no idea that slaughtering an animal yourself was part of the requirement (which doesn't exactly work out in his case, you'd have to read the book). There are trips to Shia holy sites - they're very big on those, Sunnis . . . not so much.

So, what's the big drag then? The author engages in a fair amount of intellectual debate, both internal and with others, especially towards the end in India. He goes on a lot about how oppressed Muslims are in India, but comes from what seems a comfortable family; I knew Muslims in India who lead such lives as well. His historical digressions, meant to give context to a reader, seemed like Islamic "inside baseball" to me, more confusing than helpful for outside readers. Moreover, I picked up a bit of self-congratulatory 'tude (as the young-ens would put it) from him about the Islamic-gay thing. At one point, another pilgrim from the States says he figured Sharma was gay, asking "Why are you trying to fit into a religion that doesn't want you? (paraphrased)" I felt he never exactly answered the question, unfortunately. Moreover, his pious mention of giving up alcohol now that he's a Hajji rang hollow with his continuance as a smoker. Again, that's me.

In summary, I was disappointed. However, I can't say I wouldn't recommend it either. For a liberal Muslim's work in challenging the current rigid orthodoxy, I was more impressed with the books of Michael Muhammad Knight.

[Miss Susan · Rating 3 out of 5]

i think i would've liked a bit more on parvez' actual hajj -- the last quarter or so of the book amounts to a screed against wahhabism (which, don't get me wrong, is a perspective i can sympathize with) where i would've preferred to hear more about his spiritual experience. i can understand why that would be harder to write about than political analysis though -- god knows i have trouble figuring out how to articulate my experience of faith to a non-muslim audience too. might try to get my hands on the film and see if it delivers more on that front

3.5 stars

[Divya · Rating 2 out of 5]

I picked up this book after watching the documentary by the same name. While I liked the film, this book left a lot to be desired. There is a lot of matter repeated in consecutive chapters, and yet, he doesn't talk about the history of Islam and the lineage in a cohesive manner. He introduces parts of it in a random order. This might be fine for a person with prior knowledge, but it was a bit hard to follow for me. I found it surprising that he didn't spend time on this, but then dedicates pages after pages on Al Saud Wahhabism - same matter, different words.
Also I have to admit, I expected the book to be a narrative of the movie. It isn't. It starts of giving a background to what motivated him to go on Hajj, and later, his journey to India and the spread of Wahhabism, Daesh, IS, etc. It dedicates very little time to his actual Hajj journey. I would suggest to watch the movie.

[Jprmac · Rating 3 out of 5]

An interesting, but unusual, blend of the narrative and academic, and I definitely want to search out his films. Both aspects intriguing, but didn't fit well together at times. I found his political and historical lessons interesting, and I am now encouraged to learn more on the topic, but were distracting tangents from the story he was telling, and I had trouble keeping up with where we were in his journey.
Also, read the book, don't listen to the audiobook. I had to listen at 1.4x speed. This is an example where the author should have employed a voice actor.

[Denise · Rating 4 out of 5]

While I haven't yet had the opportunity to see either of the author's films, I did finally get around to picking up this book. A fascinating and informative read, though it would have benefitted from being more clearly structured rather than jumping haphazardly between history lessons, autobiographical narrative, travelogue, attempts at political analysis, and more.

[Bonnie · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars. Interesting reading details about the actual Hajj and Mecca, would l ok e to have read more about the participants in the movie. The rest of the book I found jumped around a lot with timeframes, locations & stats /politics. An interesting read.

[Bill · Rating 3 out of 5]

I admire the determination of the author as he goes on the Hajj pilgrimage to Mecca; something required of all able Muslims in their life, while I don't fully understand the need some people feel of finding their place in a faith that may not accept them, that goes for Christians, Jews, Muslims or whatever. There were times reading the background chapters relating some of the history of Islam as well as the various sects that I felt a bit overwhelmed. Still I learned a lot, I knew that Muslims consider Jesus a prophet; I had no idea how often he is mentioned in the Quran, and Mary being mentioned often too. What made the book for me was Sharma's descriptions of what occurred at various times while at the Kaaba as well as other holy and sectarian sites in Saudi Arabia. It was clear how profound the experience was for him, and I was moved by his sharing of that. And I was surprised to learn the possible extent to which the Saudi monarchy is connected with a corruption of many of the varieties of Islam as they spread their Wahabbi sect. The book was not only interesting for Sharma's personal quest, but also has a lot to say about the current state of Islam in general.

[Catherine Milmine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Won this book on Goodreads. This book was very good and teaches us about the Muslim religion and its differences, the history etc. You were very brave and courageous in your adventures for this movie and book. Thank you for sharing this with the world. This is not on Netflix anymore but I will find it. looking forward to watching your journey.

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brave person
a good read

[Timothy Stone · Rating 3 out of 5]

A Sinner in Mecca is an undeniably informative book. Parvez Sharma offers rare access to the Hajj through the eyes of a gay Muslim; something few writers are positioned, or willing, to do.

As a document, the book succeeds in demystifying Mecca and situating queerness within Islam in a way that feels measured rather than sensationalised.

Where the book falters is in its emotional intimacy. Despite the intensely personal premise, the narration often feels restrained to the point of detachment. Sharma frequently steps back into explanation, context, or abstraction at moments where the reader expects vulnerability or interior conflict. As a result, the experience of the pilgrimage feels more reported than lived. So much so that I had to check half way through if I was reading a work of fiction.

It gives the impression that he was more comfortable educating than allowing anyone into his inner life. Moments that could have been raw or transformative are distanced, leaving me informed but not moved.

Ultimately, A Sinner in Mecca feels more like a biased cultural and political dissection and even a criticism than a fully realised memoir. Its value lies in what it teaches rather than how it makes you feel, and ultimately fails to engage as a result.

For readers seeking insight into aspects of Islam, sexuality, and identity, it could be worthwhile. For those hoping for an emotionally immersive or deeply personal narrative, I strongly recommend reading A Dutiful Boy by Mohsin Zaidi instead.

[Leyna · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a queer person who grew up religious, this is an interesting look into someone's experience with another religion. The attempts to determine if what you personally gain from faith is worth the way the majority of the group feel about you and people like you and what the repercussions would be if you told them the truth.

The experience of the Hajj has always interested me - I didn't grow up in a "pilgrimage" religion, so it has always seemed like a really massive commitment/requirement. I learned a lot about the procedure or process, the requirements, and I enjoyed reading about how it felt to be a part of something like that.

The book lost a couple stars due to feeling repetitive in several places. Like, you already told me all that information in the last chapter, so maybe it didn't need the full background once again only a handful of pages later? Being Muslim in today's world is complicated, and the politics and actions of various groups and governments have made that worse. I'm sure it was hard to "briefly" explain things that have taken centuries to develop. I still think a different editor might have tightened up some spots and helped focus the narrative a little better.

Still, worth a read if you're interested in the topic/experience!

[Walton · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is an absolute mess. The genre of sinner comes to terms with his religion is not new - I read similar books by gay Christians in the 1980s - but there's no real insight here.

A gay man goes on Hajj to Mecca. Interesting enough, but he doesn't tell anyone he is gay, so it's not quite as defiant as he makes out. I am sure he's far from the first Muslim doing Hajj with imposter syndrome.

There is no exploration of how he reconciles his Islam with his sexuality. "My religion is very important to me", he says, but he doesn't tell us why or give any theological insight into why he feels it's OK being a Muslim who hooks up on Grindr. I was genuinely curious.

Most of the book, unfortunately, is him opining about global geopolitics and the relationship between the West and Islam. He claims to be a political analyst, but his take is solipsistic, meandering and not particularly insightful. You'll learn more from any decent article in a major Western newspaper. Also, the book is riddled with factual errors, mostly not serious, but very irritating, because it shows a lazy lack of attention to detail and a lack of research. Don't people edit books anymore?

[Hilm · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars rounded up.

It’s a little messy and not exactly easy to follow. It gave me more Shia-Sunni historical history than what I had expected. Also more than expected: Saudi/middle eastern politics, ruminations on islam in Europe (the last chapter has a strong Islam apologia flavor). Of the twelve chapters, five aren’t about the his hajj experience—but more about his spiritual journeys to get there/his perspectives after he returned.

In chapter three, he got circumcised as an adult before his pilgrimage to Mecca because, ‘the religious opinion that terrorizes my soul the most came via Grand Ayatollah Al-Sistani [who] opined: if an uncircumcised pilgrim in ihram be he adult or discerning child, performs a tawaf, it is invalid. An [cut] penis could be a dangerous thing in the small Indian town I grew up in. But once there were riots. [My grandfather] recounted how his two best friends were stripped, genitally identified as Muslim, and hacked to death. In my many nightmares, my ihram would fall off in Mecca, subjecting unsuspecting pilgrims to my un-Muslim penis.’ (p76-77)

He asked a female friend to join her. “Shahinaz was an old fried. She, like me, was gay. She was ‘Allah conscious’ like her Somali parents in Paris, but Islam’s strictures were not for her.” (P81) they were of course separated because of their genders.

When they finally start donning ihram:
“Upon donning the lower part of my ihram, after performing all rituals and making sure I wore no underwear, I realized the sexual potential of an unsheathed penis rubbing against this made in China towel fabric. ‘A horny gay man into mid-eastern types would be in paradise here, with all this man smell and exposed genitalia, I texted Shahinaz. We looked like the men I had seen in gay-hookup saunas during my first trip to the US in 1998. Also, fragrance was part of the long list of the forbidden while wearing ihram, making for an unpleasantly malodorous Hajj. We were innocents, she and I. No one had ever dared to tell us the unspeakable horrors that unfolded when unsheathed male genitalia rubbed against the bodies of hundreds of thousands of women, not separated in the holy mosque of Mecca. At peak time, the tawaf was violent. The majority of these men had never been in such extreme proximity to the bodies of women. And not every male pilgrim had the discipline of piety.” (P116-117)

After Hajj:
“For the first TV interview, the anchor asked me how the Hajj changed me. ‘How to deal with claustrophobia,’ I said, laughing. ‘But more seriously it was a life-transforming journey because in Mecca I killed the part of me that questioned whether Islam would accept me. In its place was the certainty that it was up to me to accept Islam.’”


Read in June 2023 (Pride month!) but also hajj season (idul adha is on the 29th) and my mom just started her Hajj as I wrote this.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

A slapdash diary entry / encyclopedia entry on Islamic history. Poorly edited; chaotic from start to finish.

Four stars anyway for the life Parvez Sharma has lived, one of the bravest people I’ve heard of. He risked everything to tell the stories of LGBT Muslims in political environments where they were frequently maimed, executed, or otherwise disappeared. Sharma’s own story runs through the middle. His decision to not only complete the Hajj as a gay man but film it? Incredibly dangerous. Incredible contribution to journalism and the human story.

Sharma never reconciles his faith and his sexuality but refuses to compromise on either. His main takeaway, if the story has one, is to sound the alarm on Saudi Arabia’s primary export, which isn’t oil but an ultra-puritanical form of Islam called Wahhabism. Sharma also criticizes the West, especially post 9/11, for marinating in Islamophobia and racism while refusing to do anything to check the Wahhabi’s ideological empire.

A bad and messy book, a once in a lifetime human story.

[Naomi · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had a whole lot of hope for this book. I couldn't figure out what bothered me about this book and other reviewers nailed it.

I felt like this author had an incredibly important job to do in the writing of this book. IMHO, this is a topic that a GLARING spotlight should be shined on. I felt the author fell short on that task that other reviewers stated he did in the documentary by the same name. This book had the feeling of a tell all book. I felt the message got lost due to talking about hookups among other events. I don't know if this is perception in what I wanted out of the book which was a STRONG finger pointing. On that note, learning more about the book and documentary, I am on a mission to find/watch the documentary. Once I do, if other reviewers are correct, I'd recommend the documentary over the book.

Reviewed for publisher for honest review.

[Troy Loftin · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book begins strong, and Parvez weaves a compelling story about his life and reasons for wanting to make a Hajj, but ironically enough once he begins his stay in Mecca I start to lose interest. The last third of the book became a slog to get through as Parvez loses his thread and multiple tangents reoccur. With some more editing I think this could have been a fast and jam packed memoir about a true turning point in this man's life, but unfortunately I found myself bored by the end

[Darla Bokeno · Rating 4 out of 5]

While I didn't agree with his political statements about the U.S.A, I did appreciate the education on the Muslim religion and the extremist sects. If you are picking up this book for the story about his journey to Mecca, please note that he only spends 2-3 chapters on this topic. The rest is education on Islam and pontification on his views about the American presidents who have responded and impacted in his opinion actions on the world stage

[Ellison · Rating 4 out of 5]

About a man who is faithful to his faith and faithful to dude luv. He gets himself trimmed and heads out to Saudi Arabia on pilgrimage. This at times lumbers when it is about his encounters and the history of the faith. He sees wealth an poverty on his visit, surreal, insightful, blistering attack on Saudi Arabia. Adult content.

[Marianne · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fascinating, thoughtful, and nuanced-as-heck look at many aspects of current Muslim practice, mostly but far from exclusively centered around the hajj and this particular author's experience of it. It's not always easy to follow the author from one set of thoughts to the next, and there are some very grim things discussed, but it's very much worth the effort.

[Molly McPherson · Rating 2 out of 5]

I loved the premise of this book from the outset and I see how this would be an excellent movie. However it fell flat as a novel. It seems to be written solely as his stream of consciousness which does not translate into a well thought out book.

[Ella · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m of two minds about this book. On the one hand, the organisation is not great. On the other hand, the writing about Hajj and about loving a religion whose culture bends against you and is co-opted by hideous political aims is wonderful, as is Sharma’s careful avoidance of absolutes.

[Natalia Devlin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have listened to this book on audio. I think the author did a good job. It's a little bit of a travel book, a little bit of politics, lots of religion, and some perspectives on intersectionality.

[Emma Sass · Rating 3 out of 5]

would have wanted more of the personal story...but I definitely learned a lot

[Darren · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wanted to read this book because It reminded me of Richard Francis Burton's narratives of pretending to be Muslim and traveling to Mecca and Medina in the 1800s. His journey was most likely more difficult without convenient transportation as planes, or fancy hotels to stay in.
This book did show how more modern business like Starbuck's and malls are now available to Hajj participants, as well as luxury hotels for those who can afford it. The ritual places are similar to what Richard Burton visited in the 1850s. Although Parvez relates how some religious sites have been built over by the Ben Ladin family builders.
It was interesting to see the Hajj in a modern person's viewpoint, even though the author is a little melodramatic, as one of his friends notes. His paranoia lent to the melodrama. But he does give good points on how he views Islam as an inclusive religion that accepts other religions, and how the Saudi version of a fundamentalist style of worship is causing violence to be practiced. He is promoting a more accepting Islam which is good idea. It seems if may be hard to get all the factions of the religion to agree on one way to practice that everyone can be happy about.

[Benjamin Stahl · Rating 4 out of 5]

For a short while I thought I was gonna hate this.

Amongst the needlessly graphic descriptions of gay sex, Sharma's distinctly un-Islamic wokeism and Trump Derangement Syndrome, and his sleazy, slow-rolling Hindi drawl (he pronounces his v's as "w's": eg, "my favourite wurse of the Qur'an is ..." ), a very off-putting vibe permeates this book.

However, as is evidenced by my four-star rating, it all eventually began growing on me. Despite not being a Muslim, nor having any serious intention of being one - (I will admit to finding certain aspects of its appealing, and would be a Muslim in the most unlikely event I decided to abandon my Catholic faith) - I am very interested in Islamic culture and the Middle East in general.

More recently - that is, since about midway through this year - I began to look more into what was actually so sacred about Mecca. I found the Kaaba - despite its seeming idolatry, which is funny seeing how Islam looks so unfavourably upon Catholics for their statues and relics and all such things - to be unusually mesmerising. Whatever it is or isn't, the way it draws people from all over the world by the millions makes it very impressive and, in its own way, very beautiful. I can only imagine what it would be like - culturally speaking - to experience hajj in the prophet's city.

However, this book put that naive notion right out of my head. One can forget ever going there unless they are Muslim. I mean, among many other things. Even Sharma (the writer), keeping his sexual orientation tightly under his belt, faces quite a lot of harsh treatment and chaos in making his pilgrimage. It's enough to put one off going, if you know what I mean.

But to be more serious for a second ...

While I took a little while to warm to Sharma's personality, there was inevitably a lot of content in this book I was always inevitably going to find interesting. And actually I found Sharma's writing, his insights, his refreshingly liberal (can't believe I'm saying that) yet by no means lukewarm relationship to Islam and his faith in God highly engaging and, for the most part, pretty amiable.

Though a very different book, A Sinner in Mecca felt kind of similar to Good Muslim Boy by Osamah Sami, which is a book I absolutely love. I mean, I liked the latter quite a lot more. But this book, like that one, really offers a surprising and relatable insight into the lives of normal Muslim people - the type it is unfortunately easy for us to willingly forget about.

[Saidal · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was hoping for a serious and intellectual book on Wahhabism but it is clear that there was a lot of bias in his writing. Some of his views and experiences are not substantiated and we are forced to take his word for it. However I agree with the central thesis of the book that poverty and illiteracy are the main problems with the Islamic world and the subversion of Islam by certain Muslims.