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Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief
When a loved one dies we mourn our loss. We take comfort in the rituals that mark the passing, and we turn to those around us for support. But what happens when there is no closure, when a family member or a friend who may be still alive is lost to us nonetheless? How, for example, does the mother whose soldier son is missing in action, or the family of an Alzheimer’s patient who is suffering from severe dementia, deal with the uncertainty surrounding this kind of loss?
In this sensitive and lucid account, Pauline Boss explains that, all too often, those confronted with such ambiguous loss fluctuate between hope and hopelessness. Suffered too long, these emotions can deaden feeling and make it impossible for people to move on with their lives. Yet the central message of this book is that they can move on. Drawing on her research and clinical experience, Boss suggests strategies that can cushion the pain and help families come to terms with their grief. Her work features the heartening narratives of those who cope with ambiguous loss and manage to leave their sadness behind, including those who have lost family members to divorce, immigration, adoption, chronic mental illness, and brain injury. With its message of hope, this eloquent book offers guidance and understanding to those struggling to regain their lives.
In this sensitive and lucid account, Pauline Boss explains that, all too often, those confronted with such ambiguous loss fluctuate between hope and hopelessness. Suffered too long, these emotions can deaden feeling and make it impossible for people to move on with their lives. Yet the central message of this book is that they can move on. Drawing on her research and clinical experience, Boss suggests strategies that can cushion the pain and help families come to terms with their grief. Her work features the heartening narratives of those who cope with ambiguous loss and manage to leave their sadness behind, including those who have lost family members to divorce, immigration, adoption, chronic mental illness, and brain injury. With its message of hope, this eloquent book offers guidance and understanding to those struggling to regain their lives.
176 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1999
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2288 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 117 reviews
September 18, 2014
My family has been searching for my uncle who's been missing in Laos for 48 years. His plan was shot down during the Vietnam War. Although I've read several books about the war itself and the US's secret involvement in Laos, I've never seen anything that focuses on the family's ability to deal with the loss. The crash site has been excavated, but just recently we've learned the results have led to only more ambiguity. This book came at the right time as I'm struggling to offer what support I can to my family and make sense of these new developments.
Aside from this extreme example, the book offers a helpful framework for more common types of ambiguous loss that we continue to encounter on a regular basis.
Aside from this extreme example, the book offers a helpful framework for more common types of ambiguous loss that we continue to encounter on a regular basis.
June 20, 2008
Professor Boss underscores the importance of taking notice of and resolving "ambiguous" losses that accumulate over time and can affect our lives. Most people notice the big losses/changes: death, divorce, job loss, but do we notice the quieter losses such as a marriage (loss of singlehood), a new baby (loss of couplehood), graduations, retiring, aging, even seasonal changes? Ambiguous losses are both universal and individualistic. By attending to unresolved loss, we can more fully experience life and learn to be more compassionate with ourselves and others.
October 13, 2010
This is a great book about ambiguous loss--when you've lost the person, but they're still there (like with divorce, immigration, a missing child, or Alzheimer's disease). This book helped me understand the conflicting emotions involved, and the many different ways (both adaptive and maladaptive)that people deal with their grief.
February 11, 2014
This is a well written book about 'ambiguous' losses people may not think typically consider: immigrants who left their family behind and may never see them again, people who have disappeared, those MIAs during war or hostages, people with long lingering illnesses like alzheimer's, families with mentally ill relatives. All these produce anxiety that can become severe and lead to post tramatic stress. Because there is no clear closure it causes confusion and freezes the grieving process. She suggests providers ask questions to find out if there are any such losses. Pauline Boss is a family therapist who works to find ways to reconstruct and cope with such losses though family/group reorganization. She uses examples from cultues that use rituals, or have beliefs and values that help them cope. In particular, she has worked with the Anishinabe women in northern Minnesota.
First step, is to label what the experience is, then to learn there are others experiencing it, hence to overcome the solitude. She says to, 'temper our hunger for mastery' over the situation since it is not possible to master it. It can be helpful to redefine our relationship to the missing person and realize any symptoms we are experiencing are possibly due to the ambiguity. She brings families together to discuss their loss and come up with new solutions collectively, even including the person if they are missing due to illness versus physically missing. This means the family must sometimes take a 'family gamble.' These 'family gambles' are natural transitions within even normal families such as when children grow up and leave home. This is a confusing time for many families. When is someone really gone is not always crystal clear and can cause confusion. She says, "The goal is to be at ease with solutions that are imperfect."
I plan to read more of her work.
First step, is to label what the experience is, then to learn there are others experiencing it, hence to overcome the solitude. She says to, 'temper our hunger for mastery' over the situation since it is not possible to master it. It can be helpful to redefine our relationship to the missing person and realize any symptoms we are experiencing are possibly due to the ambiguity. She brings families together to discuss their loss and come up with new solutions collectively, even including the person if they are missing due to illness versus physically missing. This means the family must sometimes take a 'family gamble.' These 'family gambles' are natural transitions within even normal families such as when children grow up and leave home. This is a confusing time for many families. When is someone really gone is not always crystal clear and can cause confusion. She says, "The goal is to be at ease with solutions that are imperfect."
I plan to read more of her work.
December 17, 2014
Came across this book in my search for work on 'immigration grief,' a topic on which I am doing some reading having recently immigrated. Although this short book is not specifically on immigration per se it does provide a good background and context for it. It's worth reading if you're remotely interested in the subject as the stories about different approaches to 'ambiguous loss' (varying from families of soldiers MIA, those coping with alzheimer's, and family members who are otherwise 'psychologically absent') can apply to most peoples' lives.
August 4, 2019
Very heartfelt, well-researched book full of wisdom and experience surrounding the uncertainties of loss, and the many ways we automatically try to master what we cannot. Very compelling and thought-provoking read, full of stories and practical anecdotes to help promote understanding and compassion.
December 9, 2022
Perspective: writing as a hospital chaplain. Highly recommended, if you're ready to do the work, and a book that's just generally informative even if you're not there yet.
One of the biggest learnings from this book was a simple one. Boss writes on 7 that ‘our hunger for absolute certainty is rarely satisfied even in the relationships we believe are permanent and predictable.’ Before I read this, I’d been hung up on how particular my own grief was. I could list out my relationships and how they ended, my mom dying, a lover leaving, etc. All of these (and more) I believed at some point were potentially permanent and predictable, and all of them left me in a perpetually ambiguous state. Over the course of the reading, I realized that I was also in a relationship of ambiguous loss with myself, and had a lot of shadow work to do. Loss comes in all forms, and even though Boss is working with more specified forms, her work is applicable elsewhere.
More from Boss, I learned a lot of ‘aboutness’ from this book. I learned about physically absent versus psychologically absent. This helps me, as a Chaplain, in talking to families of patients with mental issues, especially dementia. It helped me to name the differences in my parental units, and to understand some past relationships. I learned systems descriptions, especially about family stress perspective. Part of this is that stress is caused by change or threat of change in a family unit. The other major part is that families actually have the potential to recover from ambiguous loss (including threat of loss) and thrive, IF they can learn to manage the stresses.
Boss writes on 103 that ‘family life, like any organic life, depends on continuous change.’ As much as I’m a person who likes constants, who clings to them even, I’m realizing that I’m much more flexible than I thought.
A final word from Boss. She writes on 122 that, “People who can accept a situation without having to master it often find it easier to be flexible about changing long-standing patterns...” I think it works both ways. I am more accepting of change, of imperfection in myself, as I learn more abut loss. Also, as I look at the long-standing patterns of abuse and self-abuse, of abandonment and self-abandonment, etc., I find that I am more fully able to stand shameless in my own imperfection, without the need to master everything.
There is, of course, much more in this book than I can include in a short-ish review.
The book is great, and it's best used as a companion to other personal work you're already doing. This isn't a book to just read cover-to-cover, it's one to live into.
One of the biggest learnings from this book was a simple one. Boss writes on 7 that ‘our hunger for absolute certainty is rarely satisfied even in the relationships we believe are permanent and predictable.’ Before I read this, I’d been hung up on how particular my own grief was. I could list out my relationships and how they ended, my mom dying, a lover leaving, etc. All of these (and more) I believed at some point were potentially permanent and predictable, and all of them left me in a perpetually ambiguous state. Over the course of the reading, I realized that I was also in a relationship of ambiguous loss with myself, and had a lot of shadow work to do. Loss comes in all forms, and even though Boss is working with more specified forms, her work is applicable elsewhere.
More from Boss, I learned a lot of ‘aboutness’ from this book. I learned about physically absent versus psychologically absent. This helps me, as a Chaplain, in talking to families of patients with mental issues, especially dementia. It helped me to name the differences in my parental units, and to understand some past relationships. I learned systems descriptions, especially about family stress perspective. Part of this is that stress is caused by change or threat of change in a family unit. The other major part is that families actually have the potential to recover from ambiguous loss (including threat of loss) and thrive, IF they can learn to manage the stresses.
Boss writes on 103 that ‘family life, like any organic life, depends on continuous change.’ As much as I’m a person who likes constants, who clings to them even, I’m realizing that I’m much more flexible than I thought.
A final word from Boss. She writes on 122 that, “People who can accept a situation without having to master it often find it easier to be flexible about changing long-standing patterns...” I think it works both ways. I am more accepting of change, of imperfection in myself, as I learn more abut loss. Also, as I look at the long-standing patterns of abuse and self-abuse, of abandonment and self-abandonment, etc., I find that I am more fully able to stand shameless in my own imperfection, without the need to master everything.
There is, of course, much more in this book than I can include in a short-ish review.
The book is great, and it's best used as a companion to other personal work you're already doing. This isn't a book to just read cover-to-cover, it's one to live into.
August 2, 2019
This book was recommended to me by a friend who lost her husband to Parkinson's and I'm so glad I took her up on it. After reading this book, it sort of just gave me permission to feels all the feels and be okay with that, as my husband lives with a rare degenerative brain disease called Multiple System Atrophy. I loved the optimistic light in which this author presents her work. Ambiguous loss is a complicated loss to deal with as some, like us, grieve for years and years while their loved one is still living.
We all have a choice in how we look at our situations and being the caregiver of someone you love can be taxing, both emotionally and physically, it's so much better to see the glass half full than half empty. I hope to hold on to the glass half full as the days move forward, and thank you Pauline Boss for your lovely book and Virginia for recommending it to me.
We all have a choice in how we look at our situations and being the caregiver of someone you love can be taxing, both emotionally and physically, it's so much better to see the glass half full than half empty. I hope to hold on to the glass half full as the days move forward, and thank you Pauline Boss for your lovely book and Virginia for recommending it to me.
October 7, 2024
I find it interesting to read an author's book published earlier than the last book of theirs that I read - I get the benefit of knowledge that the author did not have at the time of writing this earlier book. That was part of the experience of reading this book by Pauline Boss about Ambiguous Loss. It is a very helpful book with many stories from patients and her own life that help to illustrate this concept. She is writing without having experienced the death of her husband and before writing "The Myth of Closure," leaving the reader to wonder about how grief gets tied up and closure fixes things. It is not mentioned often, but the cultural norm of looking for "closure" is still part of the expectation woven through this text.
Through the course of reading this book and her most recent book "The Myth of Closure," I have gained valuable insight on these places in life where there is loss, but no way to prove it; no shared cultural expectation of how to move forward. Things like pandemic, missing people, Alzheimer's and longer-term illness, pieces of childhood being lost to time and sale (ie. family estates) all have dramatic effects and ripples in the lives of those affected. Each person will approach these situations differently, and each person will have a different capacity for this type of loss - a loss with no sense of finality guaranteed. I have been more succinctly able to identify this type of loss in my own life, and give voice to the loss that friends experience that haven't fit inside the borders of simple disappointment. Insightful and helpful conversations have been the result.
I am grateful that, through my own spiritual journey and my Spiritual Direction training, I have increased by capacity to live with and name ambiguity and mystery. The questions have become more important than the answers; the thought of control as a necessity has given way to the search for peace and contentment where I am. I believe that, as each of us ask the questions that arise in moments of ambiguous loss, we will find that the questions themselves are the threads that weave this experience into the tapestry of our lives. They may be a contrasting, gaudy colour, and they may never fit in, AND they will be our true experience of life that could never be properly filled by speculation and trying to find the right answer to complete the story that is missing pieces.
Through the course of reading this book and her most recent book "The Myth of Closure," I have gained valuable insight on these places in life where there is loss, but no way to prove it; no shared cultural expectation of how to move forward. Things like pandemic, missing people, Alzheimer's and longer-term illness, pieces of childhood being lost to time and sale (ie. family estates) all have dramatic effects and ripples in the lives of those affected. Each person will approach these situations differently, and each person will have a different capacity for this type of loss - a loss with no sense of finality guaranteed. I have been more succinctly able to identify this type of loss in my own life, and give voice to the loss that friends experience that haven't fit inside the borders of simple disappointment. Insightful and helpful conversations have been the result.
I am grateful that, through my own spiritual journey and my Spiritual Direction training, I have increased by capacity to live with and name ambiguity and mystery. The questions have become more important than the answers; the thought of control as a necessity has given way to the search for peace and contentment where I am. I believe that, as each of us ask the questions that arise in moments of ambiguous loss, we will find that the questions themselves are the threads that weave this experience into the tapestry of our lives. They may be a contrasting, gaudy colour, and they may never fit in, AND they will be our true experience of life that could never be properly filled by speculation and trying to find the right answer to complete the story that is missing pieces.
February 4, 2019
This is a book about grieving losses that are indeterminate such as a family member who has Alzheimer's, or a child who is missing. There is not a clear end point, but plenty of grief. The author is a therapist with experience in the field. Some of the advice itself is ambiguous, but it is worth reading to help people sort things out. Often families take an everything or nothing approach which is a mistake. For instance, when Grandpa can't slice the Thanksgiving turkey like he used to, don't cancel Thanksgiving dinner, but figure out a way, as a family, to still get together and make it work. She takes a reasoned approach to dealing with ambiguous grief. Worth reading.
January 1, 2022
As the last book I have finished this year, I had hoped for more. This short book is interesting, and explains in exquisite detail what ambiguous loss/grief is. Having a family member “missing” for decades, or living with a partner who is dying, living with dementia or even traumatic brain damage, rarely allows for what we have been expected to achieve: “closure.”
Unfortunately, this first book on the topic by Boss, published in 1999, spends most of its time describing examples of ambiguous loss, and very little advice for how to deal with questions like, “Am I married or a widow?” and “Am I an equal partner or a caregiver?”
The author has a new book out that covers ambiguous loss caused by the current pandemic, racial discrimination, and immigration. I hope it has more advice for, and fewer anecdotal examples of, truly ambiguous loss and grief.
Edited to add: the just published book is: “The Myth of Closure: Ambiguous Loss in a Time of Pandemic and Change.”
Unfortunately, this first book on the topic by Boss, published in 1999, spends most of its time describing examples of ambiguous loss, and very little advice for how to deal with questions like, “Am I married or a widow?” and “Am I an equal partner or a caregiver?”
The author has a new book out that covers ambiguous loss caused by the current pandemic, racial discrimination, and immigration. I hope it has more advice for, and fewer anecdotal examples of, truly ambiguous loss and grief.
Edited to add: the just published book is: “The Myth of Closure: Ambiguous Loss in a Time of Pandemic and Change.”
January 27, 2022
Read this one after ordering it for someone for work. Definitely applicable to many and I’m interested in the changes to the newer/revised version incorporating COVID and loss.
January 15, 2024
A powerful book exploring the difficult experience of ambiguous loss. With many examples of both types of ambigious loss, the author weaves in stories and many words of validation for those who know this grief. Definitely recommended to those who are trying to figure this out for themselves, or supporting another is this complex balance of hope and hopelessness.
March 20, 2025
Pauline Boss really introduced the framework that resonates deeply with me the way I grieve the relationships in my life
February 5, 2022
Thoughtful and accessible study of how individuals and families process emotionally liminal experiences and relationships.
October 11, 2020
3.5 ⭐ The book, over 20 yrs old feels a little outdated in some places and also theme wise mostly irrelevant to what I hoped to find. Nevertheless the book did touch me at times that is was relevant in a more indirect way. An ok book. Not great.
March 14, 2012
Whew! It's not just me and it *isn't* my fault. I knew I was dealing with something far more complex than the traditional Kubler-Ross model of grief. Boss's work explains with perfect clarity what is it like to live with a family member who may be physically gone but psychologically present or psychologically gone but physically present. I appreciated the discussion on ways to live well with ambiguous loss and the recognition that the loss never goes away and the resulting grief isn't resolved. I *highly* recommend this book to anyone who has suffered an ambiguous loss in their life.
February 28, 2008
This is an excellent theoretical book that is written in a clear manner that overviews issues, explicitly and otherwise, that are common to adoption/foster care situations and, in general, address how these processes are very stressful and difficult. I think that every CPS worker and person who is going through CPS involvement should read this book! It helps give words to issues that are very emotional and, well, ambiguous.
September 20, 2008
This book, difficult to read only because one tends to read it when in the midst of sorrow and grief, helps delineate the difference between grief and mourning. It is especially helpful to me as a "dementia/ALZ wife/widow," where the man I married has died to me, but he is also present and alive in his illness.
It deals with my current situation, as well as losses without closure such as wartime, sudden death, and other losses, be them large or small.
It deals with my current situation, as well as losses without closure such as wartime, sudden death, and other losses, be them large or small.
February 8, 2011
Repetitive at times, but overall an excellent reminder of the importance of defining loss broadly and praticing accordingly.
-- general interpersonal approach
-- also emphasizes narrative, systems, and cross-cultural perspectives
I should add: grounded in historical psych theory, so not necessarily a "fresh" perspective, but well researched and accessible to the general population as well as clinicians
-- general interpersonal approach
-- also emphasizes narrative, systems, and cross-cultural perspectives
I should add: grounded in historical psych theory, so not necessarily a "fresh" perspective, but well researched and accessible to the general population as well as clinicians
April 12, 2015
This book is okay, but as it progressed, the author kept adding to what counts as "ambiguous loss." By the end of the book, pretty much every loss had an element of ambiguity (which certainly seems true), so the concept became too diffuse. If it refers to everything, it refers to nothing—that kind of thing. Still, as a book about dealing with loss and helping others deal with loss, it offers considerable insight.
June 25, 2008
What a helpful, enlightening book! Boss introduces the concept of ambiguous loss and helps us understand how it's different from clear loss. This concept applies to so many of our losses in life - she concentrates on the loss experienced in chronic illness, but it's easily applicable to many other things. Her writing is beautiful and understandable. LOVED the book. Use it all the time.
Read
June 3, 2013Quick, easy read, but packed with insight. A KEEPER of a text or reference book! Written for therapy and treatment, this book could be placed directly in the hands of many who are struggling with 'frozen sadness'. A compassionate key book in understanding the the effects of the most common type of loss we experience. If you are in the Psych/Counseling/Human Services world: a Must Read!
March 16, 2022
I appreciated the introduction to the concept of ambiguous loss. As a therapy adherent, it is a helpful tool to add to the arsenal. I hoped for more insight into how an understanding of ambiguous loss is used in therapeutic settings. As this was primarily a stream of anecdotes, there wasn't quite as much depth of focus on treatment and support as I would have hoped.
February 4, 2012
An excellent insightful overview of the experience of loss without closure. Boss brings stories from settlers who lose their contact with their homelands and families, and from the families of MIA soldiers, as well as those lost to Alzheimer's disease, to examine her subject.
April 1, 2022
This just didn't do it for me - it seemed to be more of a vignette than anything else and unlike others in this genre didn't really provide practical things to do, in itself a bit of an ambiguous book!
October 6, 2019
Helped me through a hard time of losing an important relationship in my life.
November 22, 2021
I grew up in a midwestern immigrant community where everyone I looked up to came from someplace else.
When someone experiences the death of a loved one, there are many rituals that can support and comfort them, society recognizes that a loss has occurred, and the grieving process can begin. But when a loved one's loss is more ambiguous (whether through divorce, immigration, neurological disorder, etc.), the grieving process is not as straight-forward and people can find themselves stuck in limbo. Pauline Boss has researched this ambiguous loss, and its effect on families. Here she shares some of the stories of those families she has worked with and offers guidance on how readers can manage the ambiguous losses in their own lives.
I heard about this book a few weeks ago at a library conference and felt like it would be something that would be helpful to me since I have experienced ambiguous loss many times in my life. I appreciated hearing the stories of people in similar circumstances and how they were able to cope. The strategies shared in the book were also helpful. However, I felt that the book leaned more heavily on the stories and not as much on useful advice or strategies, which was a bit frustrating to me.
The book was originally published in the 1990s, when I saw that the audiobook was just released this year, I was hopeful that it meant it was an updated edition. That was not the case. I'm sure not a lot has changed regarding ambiguous loss, but it would have been nice to have more contemporary stories (for example, talking about the author's work with families of 9/11 victims) and more information about current societal and familial trends (there was a lot of "now that women are working outside the home" for example).
I see this book as a good introduction to the topic of ambiguous loss, and would recommend it to those who don't have a lot of familiarity with the topic. If you are looking for something a bit more in-depth or focused on coping strategies, you may want to look elsewhere.
CW: cancer, drug addiction, genocide, kidnapping/abduction, medical procedures, mental illness, miscarriage, war
When someone experiences the death of a loved one, there are many rituals that can support and comfort them, society recognizes that a loss has occurred, and the grieving process can begin. But when a loved one's loss is more ambiguous (whether through divorce, immigration, neurological disorder, etc.), the grieving process is not as straight-forward and people can find themselves stuck in limbo. Pauline Boss has researched this ambiguous loss, and its effect on families. Here she shares some of the stories of those families she has worked with and offers guidance on how readers can manage the ambiguous losses in their own lives.
I heard about this book a few weeks ago at a library conference and felt like it would be something that would be helpful to me since I have experienced ambiguous loss many times in my life. I appreciated hearing the stories of people in similar circumstances and how they were able to cope. The strategies shared in the book were also helpful. However, I felt that the book leaned more heavily on the stories and not as much on useful advice or strategies, which was a bit frustrating to me.
The book was originally published in the 1990s, when I saw that the audiobook was just released this year, I was hopeful that it meant it was an updated edition. That was not the case. I'm sure not a lot has changed regarding ambiguous loss, but it would have been nice to have more contemporary stories (for example, talking about the author's work with families of 9/11 victims) and more information about current societal and familial trends (there was a lot of "now that women are working outside the home" for example).
I see this book as a good introduction to the topic of ambiguous loss, and would recommend it to those who don't have a lot of familiarity with the topic. If you are looking for something a bit more in-depth or focused on coping strategies, you may want to look elsewhere.
CW: cancer, drug addiction, genocide, kidnapping/abduction, medical procedures, mental illness, miscarriage, war
October 17, 2022
"Eksilenlerimiz her zaman bizimledir." (Carol Shields)
Hayatta hepimiz çeşitli kayıplar yaşıyoruz. Bazen bu kayıplar somut bir şekilde gerçekleşiyor ve toplum tarafından da teyit ediliyor. Bazen ise kayıp belirsiz şekilde gerçekleşip bizi hem kaybın hem belirsizliğin ağırlığı ile baş başa bırakıyor. "Hem kayıp hem de muğlaklık insan deneyiminin temel unsurlarıdır. Bu nedenle sıklıkla muğlak kayıp olarak bir araya gelmeleri şaşırtıcı değildir."
Muğlak kayıp (ambiguous loss) kavram��, temelde iki şekilde hayatımızda gerçekleşiyor. Fiziksel olarak var olanın psikolojik yokluğu ve psikolojik olarak var olan fiziksel yokluğu. Kaybın çok belirli olduğu ve yasın toplumca da kabullenilip desteklendiği durumlarda bile süreç zorken muğlak kayıpta kişi bazen kaybıyla baş başa ve daha çaresiz durumda kalıyor. Muğlak kayıp, ölüm haberi ulaşmayan kayıp bir aile bireyini bekleyerek, göç etmek zorunda kalıp uzak memleketinden fiziksel olarak ayrı ama psikolojik olarak birlikte kalarak, ayrılan ebeveynin hala aile resminin bir parçası olup olmadığını bilemeyerek, fiziksel olarak orada olan ama psikolojik olarak orada olmayan alzheimer veya demans hastası aile üyesine bakarak, kaybedilen bir iş arkadaşının bosalan masasina bakarak veya bizi belirsizlige surukleyen tüm ikili ilişkilerde gündelik hayatın içinde gerçekleşebilir.
Literatürde artık kabul edilen bu kavramı bilmek, hem kendimizin hem yakinlarimizin acı ve kayıplarını anlamlandirmak için çok değerli. Çünkü "kesinliğe olan özlemimiz normal olsa da onu asla bulamamamiz da doğaldır. Ve sonunda ihtiyaç duyulan şey mutlak netlik değil, muğlak kayıpların kabulüdür."
Kitabı çok beğendim. Yalnızca psikoloji alanında çalışanlara değil herkese hitap edeceğini düşünüyorum.
Hayatta hepimiz çeşitli kayıplar yaşıyoruz. Bazen bu kayıplar somut bir şekilde gerçekleşiyor ve toplum tarafından da teyit ediliyor. Bazen ise kayıp belirsiz şekilde gerçekleşip bizi hem kaybın hem belirsizliğin ağırlığı ile baş başa bırakıyor. "Hem kayıp hem de muğlaklık insan deneyiminin temel unsurlarıdır. Bu nedenle sıklıkla muğlak kayıp olarak bir araya gelmeleri şaşırtıcı değildir."
Muğlak kayıp (ambiguous loss) kavram��, temelde iki şekilde hayatımızda gerçekleşiyor. Fiziksel olarak var olanın psikolojik yokluğu ve psikolojik olarak var olan fiziksel yokluğu. Kaybın çok belirli olduğu ve yasın toplumca da kabullenilip desteklendiği durumlarda bile süreç zorken muğlak kayıpta kişi bazen kaybıyla baş başa ve daha çaresiz durumda kalıyor. Muğlak kayıp, ölüm haberi ulaşmayan kayıp bir aile bireyini bekleyerek, göç etmek zorunda kalıp uzak memleketinden fiziksel olarak ayrı ama psikolojik olarak birlikte kalarak, ayrılan ebeveynin hala aile resminin bir parçası olup olmadığını bilemeyerek, fiziksel olarak orada olan ama psikolojik olarak orada olmayan alzheimer veya demans hastası aile üyesine bakarak, kaybedilen bir iş arkadaşının bosalan masasina bakarak veya bizi belirsizlige surukleyen tüm ikili ilişkilerde gündelik hayatın içinde gerçekleşebilir.
Literatürde artık kabul edilen bu kavramı bilmek, hem kendimizin hem yakinlarimizin acı ve kayıplarını anlamlandirmak için çok değerli. Çünkü "kesinliğe olan özlemimiz normal olsa da onu asla bulamamamiz da doğaldır. Ve sonunda ihtiyaç duyulan şey mutlak netlik değil, muğlak kayıpların kabulüdür."
Kitabı çok beğendim. Yalnızca psikoloji alanında çalışanlara değil herkese hitap edeceğini düşünüyorum.
September 2, 2024
“The decision to change relationships is full of risks for the person who dares to take the first step. While the impetus begins with one person, however, the new patterns ultimately have to be practiced, not just in therapy, but at home and in real life with the people closest to us. Improvement is gradual; two steps forward and one backward is normal. The goal is to be at ease with solutions that are imperfect. The question of who is in, who is out, and how they are in or out of the family may never be completely clear, but if we can accept change we can learn to live with the ambiguity” (102).
“The families that are most successful in dealing with change adopt a willingness to compromise. Rather than rigidly defending their favored solution to the problem of an uncertain loss, family members hear each other out and remain respectful of the opinions of their loved ones. Like Irene and Fred, they refuse to continue tolerating what Alan Watts calls ‘the security of known misery’” (102).
“Complicated losses may seem hopeless and unresolvable, but the power to change can never be taken from us” (103).
“If we are to turn the corner and cope with uncertain losses, we must first temper our hunger for mastery. This is the paradox. To regain a sense of mastery when there is ambiguity about a loved one’s absence or presence, we must give up trying to find the perfect solution. We must redefine our relationship to the missing person. Most important, we must realize that the confusion we are experiencing is attributable to the ambiguity rather than to something we did—or neglected to do. Once we know the source of our helplessness, we are free to begin the coping process” (107).
“The families that are most successful in dealing with change adopt a willingness to compromise. Rather than rigidly defending their favored solution to the problem of an uncertain loss, family members hear each other out and remain respectful of the opinions of their loved ones. Like Irene and Fred, they refuse to continue tolerating what Alan Watts calls ‘the security of known misery’” (102).
“Complicated losses may seem hopeless and unresolvable, but the power to change can never be taken from us” (103).
“If we are to turn the corner and cope with uncertain losses, we must first temper our hunger for mastery. This is the paradox. To regain a sense of mastery when there is ambiguity about a loved one’s absence or presence, we must give up trying to find the perfect solution. We must redefine our relationship to the missing person. Most important, we must realize that the confusion we are experiencing is attributable to the ambiguity rather than to something we did—or neglected to do. Once we know the source of our helplessness, we are free to begin the coping process” (107).
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