Cold Cuts

by Robert Payne Cabeen

Two environmental scientists, one who takes his work and himself seriously, the other a pop culture geek with a junk food habit, struggle for survival when Québécois paramilitary fanatics demolish their remote science station in the frozen wasteland at the bottom of the world. Drs. Pratt and Eaton uncover The Order of the Red Wolf's Cold War Era nuclear reactor, but not before it has irradiated the Antarctic fauna and created hordes of ravenous mutations.

Can the oddball duo survive monstrosities that roam the ruins of their devastated science station?

Will they be able to overcome their own desperate appetites-- born of madness and starvation?

One thing is certain. They will learn the meaning of terror when the cold cuts deep.

Genres: Horror, Survival, Science Fiction, Book Club, Fiction, Monsters

334 pages, Paperback

First published August 26, 2017

About the author

Robert Payne Cabeen is a screenwriter, artist, purveyor of narrative horror poetry, and now a novelist. His screenwriting credits include Heavy Metal 2000, for Columbia/TriStar, Sony Pictures, A Monkey’s Tale, and Walking with Buddha.

Cabeen’s illustrated book Fearworms: Selected Poems was a 2015 Bram Stoker Award nominee.

As creative director for Streamline Pictures, Robert helped anime pioneer Carl Macek bring Japanese animated features, like Akira and dozens of other classics, to a western audience.

Cabeen received a Master of Fine Arts degree from Otis Art Institute, with a dual major in painting and design. Since then, he has combined his interests in the visual arts with screenwriting and storytelling for a broad range of entertainment companies including Warner Brothers, Columbia/TriStar, Disney, Sony, Universal, USA Network, Nelvana and SEGA.

Robert is a city of Lost Angeles native. He resides in the Miracle Mile with his wife Cecile Grimm. Together, they spawned three offspring—all smarter, better looking and more talented than he is—but certainly not as scary. For more about Robert Payne Cabeen, visit: robertpaynecabeen.com

Reviews

[Ian Welke · Rating 5 out of 5]

Cold Cuts is a wild and wonderfully weird novel set largely in Antarctica. Aware of its setting the novel hits many of the best of the same beats as The Thing or the Mountains of Madness. But in this novel there is an added element, a delightful craziness runs through the book from start to finish. Loved it! Ooh, and as if the crazy story weren’t enough, the sketch gallery at the back of the book is great in its own right.

[Eric Guignard · Rating 4 out of 5]

REVIEWED: Cold Cuts
WRITTEN BY: Robert Payne Cabeen
PUBLISHED: August, 2017

Cold Cuts by Robert Payne Cabeen is a fun, wild horror tale eco-terror and absurdity set in an Antarctica research station. It’s visual and weird, fast-paced and filled with dark horror. Buddy scientists, Ozzy Pratt and Ben Eaton, survive a terrorist attack on their station only to find that things get only worse from there as of isolationism, starvation, and brutality abound. Beware the mutant penguins!

Four out of Five stars

[Coral · Rating 2 out of 5]

These ideas - mutant penguins, an isolated science team in Antarctica, mysterious radiation - these are all top tier interests for me, especially in horror! The execution here really put me off though, and I struggled to get all the way through this book. The plot seemed to fizzle out about halfway and my interest went with it. There were also too many times where the author asked me to suspend disbelief. Too many impossible scenarios. I wish I had a more positive experience with this.

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bob Cabeen's debut novel Cold Cuts is a horror tale of the perils of extreme isolation and starvation. It tells of two scientists stranded at an Antarctic research station that's surrounded by gun toting soldiers and killer mutant penguins. Think John Carpenter's The Thing meets Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds. And these two filmic comparisons are apt all the more because Cabeen has a background as a screenwriter. It serves him well here, as the “action sequences,” on the ice are positively cinematic in their intensity.
Cold Cuts' main protagonist is Ozzy Pratt, an overweight, nerdy scientist. Ozzy's transformation throughout the book into something very different, may not be entirely convincing or realistic, but in the heightened fever dream that Cabeen delivers, it's difficult not to go along for the ride. Far from the dark and depressing tale it could have been, Cabeen has fun with the reader, never taking himself completely seriously. Case in point: a delightfully over the top sex scene that veers from the erotic to laugh out loud funny.
A quick, breezy read that sets itself up for a potential sequel in the final chapter, Cold Cuts is sure to satisfy fans of dark fiction who like a a healthy dose of humor with their terror. One minor complaint: Renaissance man that Cabeen is, the book features illustrations of the mutant penguins at the end. Having recently attended the book release party, I can tell you there exist further illustrations that feature the cast of human characters from the novel that are just as impressive, if not more so. Hopefully Omnium Gatherum will see fit to include these drawings in a future edition. Meanwhile, pick up Cold Cuts. You'll never be able to look at those cute little penguins at the zoo the same way ever again!

[Janet Holden · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was initially enticed by the artwork (more about that later), but I have to admit, as a huge doom and gloom Grimdark fan, when I was told Cold Cuts had some comedic elements and didn't take itself too seriously, I had strong reservations. However, I needn't have worried. Three sittings, hanging on for dear life, and I was done.
It's a fast, oddball read, delightfully off-kilter, and Cabeen manages to keep the plates of gross-out horror, comedy, isolation, survival, and James Bond-style action spinning in equal measure.
Oh! And before I forget, flip to the back of the book and take a look at the endnotes. Cabeen is an exemplary artist and the accompanying story illustrations are a delight.

[John Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

Robert Payne Cabeen’s debut novel, Cold Cuts, is a mad, exhilarating and quite gruesome romp featuring fanatical paramilitary forces, mutant penguins—yes, mutant penguins!—and the perverse, stir crazy meltdown of the Odd Couple dynamics as presented by Drs. Pratt and Eaton. Cabeen deftly divvies out layers of deep frozen, high-pitched humor culled from a demented, media-overloaded nightmare of obsessions steeped in the worst of the worst of humanity along with slabs of visceral horror as this warped version of the Antarctic dips well south of Heaven, all while wearing a gleeful, blood-soaked smile during this rip-roaring ride.--JCS

[Warren Fournier · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sometimes it's worth moving past your initial impressions. I almost stopped reading just 19 pages in, thinking this was just not going to be worth any further investment. I'm glad I didn't, but I think it's worth explaining why.

Let's put aside the rather annoying amount of typographical errors already noticeable in the first few chapters. Aside from the rather strong opening, the book starts out at the Santa Cruz headquarters of Environmental Defense International, and it was here that I thought, "Oh my, I like B-grade schlock, but this is just too juvenile!" The boss sits in the lunchroom watching two preppies using their smartphones to film up a coworker's skirt while she is on a ladder. He laughs it off and asks them if they want to see his tightie-whities too. I immediately thought to myself, "I know the author is not a young man and has done some screen-writing, so does he think that everyone acts as despicably as they do in Hollywood?" I've worked in countless jobs and never have been at a place in the last 20 years where such flagrant sexual harassment among coworkers, especially when witnessed by THE boss, wouldn't be dealt with by immediate termination. Does the writer really think he is living in the world of early 80s porno films? Does he think this is humorous somehow? Then, this scene is followed up with an entire chapter dedicated to this same boss trying to eat his salad and accidentally stabbing himself in the tongue with his plastic fork. Seriously. Nothing else happens in the chapter. The whole section is there to make the big man run around the rest of the book replacing his s-sounds with th-sounds. Sure, if I had the brain of a 10-year-old or were high I might have chuckled at "thi-th." But, "Je-thuth," are we going to get to the "th-tory" or what?

But then the action switches to an isolated Antarctic base, manned by two buddies, Ozzy and Ben. Now it starts getting fun. The humor starts to work. And the horror elements, though blending familiar tropes, are quite effective. There are plenty of disturbing moments to titillate the gore hounds, but these scenes were mostly tense and suspenseful, not just for the sake of being disgusting. Nor did the novel consist entirely of nonstop assaults to the senses in some ham-fisted attempt to be brutal and "edgy," but rather the stakes and consequences build gradually as the horror intensifies.

Being a fan of 70s and 80s horror paperbacks, I felt right at home with the cinematic pacing and nonstop action in this short scifi thriller that is not afraid to throw in a lot of humor so as not to take itself too seriously. And I really appreciated that the main characters ended up having their own unique and quirky styles, making each of them feel like a very real person despite the pulp fiction world they inhabited. There were some ridiculous exceptions, for example, like when the chubby neckbeard doctor starts kicking some serious Canadian commando ass based on some exercise moves he learned from TV.

But as I said, this book does not take itself too seriously, and for me, that's a good thing. There's something very endearing about a literary world where people crack wise to horrible things happening around them and still find time to make a little whoopie while the world seems to be ending. Perhaps, there is something we in our modern lives can learn from that. One cannot help but wonder how much more resilient and fantastic life could be if more people took a page from the wacky antics of some of the characters in books like this. "Jesus, mutant penguins just sliced off my ears! Fuck it, I got shit I gotta do! Hey--check out those cool action figures!"

So in the end, clunky writing and typos and all, I got sucked in, and man it was a hell of a ride. I'm glad I gave it more of a try, and I think any fan of horror, especially of base-under-seige, creature-feature, or isolation horror, should give it a try too.

[Warren Fournier · Rating 4 out of 5]

Cold Cuts is hot stuff

Sometimes it's worth moving past your initial impressions. I almost stopped reading just 19 pages in, thinking this was just not going to be worth any further investment. I'm glad I didn't, but I think it's worth explaining why.

Let's put aside the rather annoying amount of typographical errors already noticeable in the first few chapters. Aside from the rather strong opening, the book starts out at the Santa Cruz headquarters of Environmental Defense International, and it was here that I thought, "Oh my, I like B-grade schlock, but this is just too juvenile!" The boss sits in the lunchroom watching two preppies using their smartphones to film up a coworker's skirt while she is on a ladder. He laughs it off and asks them if they want to see his tightie-whities too. I immediately thought to myself, "I know the author is not a young man and has done some screen-writing, so does he think that everyone acts as despicably as they do in Hollywood?" I've worked in countless jobs and never have been at a place in the last 20 years where such flagrant sexual harassment among coworkers, especially when witnessed by THE boss, wouldn't be dealt with by immediate termination. Does the writer really think he is living in the world of early 80s porno films? Does he think this is humorous somehow? Then, this scene is followed up with an entire chapter dedicated to this same boss trying to eat his salad and accidentally stabbing himself in the tongue with his plastic fork. Seriously. Nothing else happens in the chapter. The whole section is there to make the big man run around the rest of the book replacing his s-sounds with th-sounds. Sure, if I had the brain of a 10-year-old or were high I might have chuckled at "thi-th." But, "Je-thuth," are we going to get to the "th-tory" or what?

But then the action switches to an isolated Antarctic base, manned by two buddies, Ozzy and Ben. Now it starts getting fun. The humor starts to work. And the horror elements, though blending familiar tropes, are quite effective. There are plenty of disturbing moments to titillate the gore hounds, but these scenes were mostly tense and suspenseful, not just for the sake of being disgusting. Nor did the novel consist entirely of nonstop assaults to the senses in some ham-fisted attempt to be brutal and "edgy," but rather the stakes and consequences build gradually as the horror intensifies.

Being a fan of 70s and 80s horror paperbacks, I felt right at home with the cinematic pacing and nonstop action in this short scifi thriller that is not afraid to throw in a lot of humor so as not to take itself too seriously. And I really appreciated that the main characters ended up having their own unique and quirky styles, making each of them feel like a very real person despite the pulp fiction world they inhabited. There were some ridiculous exceptions, for example, like when the chubby neckbeard doctor starts kicking some serious Canadian commando ass based on some exercise moves he learned from TV.

But as I said, this book does not take itself too seriously, and for me, that's a good thing. There's something very endearing about a literary world where people crack wise to horrible things happening around them and still find time to make a little whoopie while the world seems to be ending. Perhaps, there is something we in our modern lives can learn from that. One cannot help but wonder how much more resilient and fantastic life could be if more people took a page from the wacky antics of some of the characters in books like this. "Jesus, mutant penguins just sliced off my ears! Fuck it, I got shit I gotta do! Hey--check out those cool action figures!"

So in the end, clunky writing and typos and all, I got sucked in, and man it was a hell of a ride. I'm glad I gave it more of a try, and I think any fan of horror, especially of base-under-seige, creature-feature, or isolation horror, should give it a try too.

[David Watson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Antarctica is a hard place to survive in, it’s even harder when there are mutant penguins with tentacles running around. Ozzy is a pop culture geek and a junk food junkie while Ben takes himself seriously and is Ozzy’s polar opposite. Both are environmental scientists working in a lab at the bottom of the world in Antarctica.

They thought that putting up with each other, the isolation and the cold temperatures would be the hard parts of this job, but they thought wrong. Little did they know that the terrorist organization called The Order Of The Red Wolf has a Nuclear reactor that is affecting the whole continent causing Penguins to become monsters. There are no happy feet in this story.

Cold Cuts by Robert Payne Cabeen has action, horror and comedy with a story that moves along at the speed of light. It also manages to give us some memorable characters. One of them is Ozzy who transforms from an overweight misfit to an action hero with a love interest by the end. The story also has some strong female characters such as Terra and Lorelei who aren’t trained to fight but do a good job of it when they have to. The only negative part of this story is that we aren’t given a lot of information on The Order Of The Red Wolf which is the group that created the mutants in the first place, but that doesn’t take away from the story.

What I really love about this book is how it goes from gruesome to funny. Every time there is a scene with Penguins tearing someone apart you also seem to get a scene that is laugh out loud funny. This book has one of the funniest sex scenes that I’ve ever read in a book and there was another great moment that will make you look at the paintings of Bob Ross in a whole new light. Another scene that I enjoyed was when one of the characters gets attacked and keeps fighting off the penguins and repeating to everyone that: “My guts came out.”

Looking at Robert Payne Cabeen’s bio you can see that he is an artist and a screenwriter and it shows in this book. At the back of the book there are several drawings of what the mutant penguins look like but also the way the action is described paints a picture for the reader. As I was reading this I found myself envisioning the whole thing as a rated R summer blockbuster movie. For example towards the end there is a great battle scene between the humans and penguins complete with background music. I found myself laughing because I kept thinking how awesome this would look on the big screen. Cold Cuts is a lot of fun, it has that perfect mix of horror and humor that I like to find in a book.

[David Agranoff · Rating 3 out of 5]

Certain themes in horror work better for certain readers. For me the isolation of deep space, or the north/south poles really work for me. I hate isolation and so movies like The Thing, and the Final Winter or books The Terror by Dan Simmons or Stranded by Bracken Macleod just really work for me.

Cold Cuts is a neat little book that takes place in a research station in Antarctica. At the start let me point out that this is a great example of how important the small press is to modern horror fiction. In the 90’s or early this century a book like this was not publishable. It would have been considered to short the only way it would have seen print would be padded with a extra hundred pages and would not have the cool art at the end.

Honestly the idea is not a slam dunk pitch, I mean the bizarro con elevator pitch for this could have March of the Mutant Penguins. Maybe Killer Nuclear Penguins. I know that sounds silly, and while this book has humor and does not take itself too seriously it is weird concept. My point is this is not cookie cutter monster plot. It is odd plot, and that is one of the things I respect about it.
The main character is a scientist and horror nerd named Ozzy. It is quite a tale of survival after a huge chunk of his research station is blown up. The story is about his survial with one other researcher. Eaton and Ozzy are the only survivors and they have to battle mutant birds and despair to survive. The despair affected for more as the novel went on than the mutant birds.
The moments between Eaton and Ozzy were the best most effective moments for me. The mutant penguins were cool but not super effective until I looked at the sketches in the back. Cabeen is clearly a talented artist and the art in the back was totally amazing.

Some miscues include this Hour of the Red Wolf conspiracy, One of the most interesting things in the book gets introduced and forgotten. It gets a little explanation but not enough for me. I am not saying it should have taken over the book, but more could have been done. The references to horror movies and geek culture didn’t work for me and took me out of the story. We have seen that before (I know I did it myself in the Vegan Revolution with Zombies) but in Cold Cuts I don't feel it added much. I would suspect Cabeen meant for it to add to Ozzy's character. I am just not sure we needed it dialed to 11. That said the action figures do come back in the story in a Shane Black-style pay off. So I can live with it.

I don't think Cold Cuts is going to make my top ten list this year, but I am stoked that I was given a pre-release of it. It is fun book, some times when I get review copies it forces me to read a author or book I would not of read otherwise. Robert Payne Cabeen is a new author to me and I am glad I checked out his work. I think his is a fun and odd monster novel with a few moments of eye-brow raising weird-ness. The art at the end is really cool and this kinda small press I would love to see libraries pick-up and collectors support.

[Swords & Spectres · Rating 4 out of 5]

Originally reviewed at www.swordsandspectres.wordpress.com

I received a free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

Cold Cuts literally had me hooked to the extent that I blasted through the first half in one sitting. It was gripping and had that whole serious survival/horror in Antarctica vibe going on.

Quite simply put, the first fifty percent was flawless. Then it got silly (in all fairness, the author quite clearly was going for silly). Things started happening that were beyond the realms of physical possibility. Antagonists were more like pantomime villains (which seems to be the intent) and it had the worst, most painfully descriptive sex scene I have ever read.

But that wasn’t the last fifty percent. It would have been all too easy to slap a low score on because the first half had promised gold and delivered fools’ gold. The last half was twenty-five percent serious and gripping like the first half of the book and twenty-five percent ‘so ridiculous I found it impossible to believe’.

But, all that being said, it is probably the most fun read I have come across this year. It had the potential to be one of the best, but being the most fun is a damn fine prize.

The whole concept of being stranded in a barren place such as Antartctica, will always hook my interest. I’m just glad that, for the most part, Cold Cuts managed to keep my interest. After all, mutated Antarctic animals is always going to be interesting!

I know my negatives sound pretty heavy, but the positives are well worth picking it up for. I’d certainly read more by the author if he promised never to try and write a sex scene again.

[Bryan Nowak · Rating 4 out of 5]

Possibly radioactive mutated penguins? Hell yeah!

Enter the tale of Ozzy and Ben. Two researchers in Antarctica on an expedition. The two friends soon encounter a world trying to kill them as they are attack by a mysterious organization and mutated creatures which seem bent on killing anything and everything in their path. The main problem? There are just so many of the damn things; there is no way they could ever hope to win out. Or can they?

“Cold Cuts”, by Robert Payne Cabeen, is a fun read. You have to be into the gory end of horror to appreciate the truly masterful way he wrote the story, but if you are this book is for you. World building in such detail to carry the story, he relies on the character dialogue to move the story along and that is the mark of a good author in my humble opinion.

In reality, there are some sections I thought were completely over the top, but maybe that is the point. Sometimes over the top is what you are looking for in a good read. This book, for me, falls into the category of a good airplane read. One that you bring on a plane and enjoy the heck out of it.

The one small critical comment, and this is a small one, I simply didn’t fall in love with the characters to the point that when something horrible happened to them (or good) it had much of an impact on me. Still, it is a small thing for me as a reader and you may have a completely different take on them.

I can recommend “Cold Cuts” to those who don’t mind a good amount of blood with their reading. And, by the way, the ending is completely over the top, but that’s alright. It is fun in an absurd sort of way to make it entertaining.

-Bryan the Writer

[Michele · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having thoroughly enjoyed the Bram Stoker nominated Fearworms: Selected Poems, I was anxious to read Robert Payne Cabeen's first foray into the novel territory with Cold Cuts. Stationed in Antarctica, environmental scientists Pratt and Eaton find themselves stranded in their underground shelter, known as The Pit, with very little food and surrounded by mutated penguins. The men are isolated and starving, but able to stay abreast with the outside world by binge watching their television. Cabeen creates a fast paced dark comedy horror tale that takes the reader on an over-the-top journey.

Cabeen's skill as a poet shines through the cadence that emerges from his word choices. Having a background in design and artistic abilities results in vivid imagery throughout Cold Cuts: at times, the images are not for the faint of heart. Additionally, the odd couple of Pratt and Eaton provide Cabeen the freedom to explore the dark effects of isolation and starvation on the two men. I liked how he played off the alternating strengths and weaknesses of the characters. It worked well and keeps the characters moving forward to the last page. As a horror tale that uses the stranded trope in a fresh and engaging way, Cold Cuts is not for the squeamish.

[Mike · Rating 2 out of 5]

First, the good:

Killer mutant penguins are a fun idea.

There were a few scenes that were genuinely scary. The one when the protag is tied up comes to mind.

And the bad:

Misplaced punctuation and repeated words/phrases soured me on the book early on. One or two mistakes wouldn't be a big deal, but it was a lot.

I like to think I'm pretty good at suspending my disbelief, but did the protag go without proper nutrition for weeks/months and come out stronger/more athletic? Honestly, maybe I missed something.

Sex scenes that include the phrase "molten load."


Really only finished this because I'm waiting for a request to come in at the library.

[Matt · Rating 4 out of 5]

What a ridiculously fun book this is! The over-the-top B-creature-feature plot is aided by its quirky sense of humor. If you ever wanted to hear the internal monologue of a grown-man with cabin fever playing with action-figures, this book is for you! To me, the cabin fever aspect, which takes up most of the middle portion of the book, was the best part. In those scenes it moved past its playful tone to create a genuine emotional connection and also some genuinely frightening moments. This is the first novel by Robert Payne Cabeen, and his punchy, fast-paced writing style kept me turning the pages. I'm looking forward to what's next from him!

[Patrick · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is insanity. Overall it was fine. It was fun and gory, but also all over the place. Even without the time jumps characters were suddenly in one place when in the last chapter they hadn't even finished what they were doing. It was a quick read and if anyone is interested in what mutant penguins could do to a person, I'd say check it out.

[Christina Sng · Rating 5 out of 5]

Funny, witty, exciting, and engaging! "Cold Cuts" grabs you by the ankles and won't let go! I especially loved the author's fluid and eloquent prose. The art that follows the story is the icing on the cake. Loved it!

[Marge Simon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved it! So deserving of the Bram Stoker Poetry award, as well. I have a print of one of his illustrations hanging by my bed. Fantastic story, you won't stop reading until it ends, trust me. Can't rave enough about Cold Cuts!

[Matt (TeamRedmon) · Rating 2 out of 5]

Did not live up to the promise of its premise. Also felt like it could have been shorter. It really dragged for a good portion of the book.

[Julie Hill · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such fun!

Don't hesitate, but this one now. So much fun! I could not put it down and finished in one day.

[Aaron · Rating 2 out of 5]

Unfortunately this book crosses the line from that gonzo charm sweet spot into amateurish wish fulfillment.

[Katherine · Rating 1 out of 5]

I hate you with the passion of the sun that is currently melting the Antarctic.

Also, why did no one edit this thing?

[Nicholas Diak · Rating 5 out of 5]

My original review of Cold Cuts was published at Fanbase Press. The link to that review can be found at the end of this abridged version.

Cold Cuts is a polar-horror comic, that combines body horror with splatstick with a heavy helping of pop culture references. Robert Payne Cabeen's macabre wit shows through in the various ways the mutant penguins main and kill folks. The real horror of the story is on the loneliness and isolation experienced by the novel's main character, Pratt, who goes through body changes as months of solitude and starvation takes its toll on him.

Cabeen's debut novel is both thrilling and funny, a guilty pleasure, but executed extremely well.

Read the original review here: http://www.fanbasepress.com/index.php...

[Matthew Barbeler · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love Arctic horror, and this book came with some hefty recommendations. Killer penguins? Lol, okay. I'm in.

Unfortunately it didn't live up to the promises it made in the opening quarter. I LOVED the opening quarter of this book, but it quickly went off the rails (not in the good way) and struggled to get back on.

The final third was a tedious struggle with a horribly misplaced gratuitous sex scene that made me wonder if I was reading the same book. I almost gave up on the book, but decided to see it through. I probably should have returned it.