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Changeable: How Collaborative Problem Solving Changes Lives at Home, at School, and at Work
A bold new way to help anyone change
Why is it so hard to change problem behavior—in our kids, our colleagues, and even ourselves? Conventional methods often backfire, creating a downward spiral of resentment and frustration, and a missed opportunity for growth. What if the thinking behind these old methods is wrong? What if people don’t misbehave because they want to, but because they lack the skills to do better? Or as renowned psychologist J. Stuart Ablon asks, what if changing problem behavior is a matter of skill, not will ?
Based on more than twenty-five years of clinical work with juvenile offenders as well training parents, teachers, counselors and law enforcement, and supported by research in neuroscience, Changeable presents a radical new way of thinking about challenging and unwanted behavior -- Collaborative Problem Solving -- that builds empathy, helps others reach their full potential, and most of all really works.
With illuminating scientific evidence, remarkable success stories, and actionable insights, Changeable gives parents, teachers, CEOs and anyone interested in learning about why we behave the way we do a roadmap for helping people grow.
*Includes a Bonus PDF with charts and graphs.
Why is it so hard to change problem behavior—in our kids, our colleagues, and even ourselves? Conventional methods often backfire, creating a downward spiral of resentment and frustration, and a missed opportunity for growth. What if the thinking behind these old methods is wrong? What if people don’t misbehave because they want to, but because they lack the skills to do better? Or as renowned psychologist J. Stuart Ablon asks, what if changing problem behavior is a matter of skill, not will ?
Based on more than twenty-five years of clinical work with juvenile offenders as well training parents, teachers, counselors and law enforcement, and supported by research in neuroscience, Changeable presents a radical new way of thinking about challenging and unwanted behavior -- Collaborative Problem Solving -- that builds empathy, helps others reach their full potential, and most of all really works.
With illuminating scientific evidence, remarkable success stories, and actionable insights, Changeable gives parents, teachers, CEOs and anyone interested in learning about why we behave the way we do a roadmap for helping people grow.
*Includes a Bonus PDF with charts and graphs.
304 pages, Hardcover
Published June 5, 2018
86 people are currently reading
1210 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 48 reviews
June 21, 2018
If you've read anything about how Stuart Ablon treated the actual originator of Collaborative Problem Solving, Dr. Ross Greene...or about the hostile work environment he created in his program at Massachusetts General Hospital...or about the serious boundary issues he had with his patients and employees...then you know why Stuart Ablon is exactly the wrong person to be writing about collaboration in any type of relationship. This is sheer hypocrisy.
April 1, 2025
I LOVED this!! It made my little communication degree heart so happy. Conflict resolution was one of my favorite classes and I literally use the information I learned in that class every day. This book reminded me of things I’ve forgotten and taught me new principles I’m excited to implement in my life. Spence and I always have a discussion about whether or not collaboration is possible in every conflict and I’ve honestly felt like it isn’t. But this book helped me understand it a little different and maybe it is possible?? I really don’t know! I also don’t think it’s necessary in every situation. Like he says in this book, sometimes Plan A or Plan C are enough.. but maybe not the best? I don’t know. I need to think about it more and get my hands on the worksheets from the book since I listened to it.
Again, I probably loved this as much as I did because of my education background but dammit I loved it. I think everyone could benefit from reading this.
5 ⭐️
Again, I probably loved this as much as I did because of my education background but dammit I loved it. I think everyone could benefit from reading this.
5 ⭐️
August 16, 2024
A solid book expounding on Collaborative Problem Solving. This approach is foundational to my teaching practice and am thankful for this book.
The Golden Rule remains unbeaten!
The Golden Rule remains unbeaten!
September 2, 2018
CPS is undoubtedly an amazing idea. The book had tons of filler information. Easy to read, and that is not a compliment—It was a similar scenario told repeatedly for 200 pages. Next time, publish an informative pamphlet and move along.
April 8, 2020
Anyone who interacts with people in any capacity could benefit from reading this book. The author discusses the process of collaborative problem-solving (CPS) As an alternative to traditional incentive-based behavior modification. I originally read it with the intention of working more effectively with challenging middle school students, but came away realizing it makes for better conflict resolution in parenting, marriage, and professional interactions.
July 28, 2025
I listened (2.7x) to the audiobook narrated by the author. I thought that the advice for defusing situations and using collaborative problem solving to come to a mutually agreeable solution was good. The stories and examples of applications of the techniques were interesting and helpful, albeit a bit dry at times.
September 24, 2025
Skill not will. Very practical with examples and the steps and different scenarios explained.
September 18, 2025
Liked the idea of looking at misbehavior as a lack of skills. Lots of helpful examples. Felt a little redundant after a while though. Will definitely try to implement.
January 17, 2020
Skills not wills. An important thing to note for all managers, parents, anybody really.
February 11, 2025
I heard about this book from a Mel Robbins podcast, and I could relate to the need to improve my collaborative problem-solving skills.
These were my highlighted notes:
1. Lack of skill is the primary factor for poor behavior. Individuals don’t know how to express their needs or behave in a situation.
1. Skill Deficits can be both nature and nurture problems and require more teaching, modeling, and mentoring “A child with a brain adapted for an environment of chaos, unpredictability, threat, and distress is ill-suited to the modern playground or classroom." Dr. Bruce Perry p.55
2. How we work with those with skill deficits says more about the parent or manager than the child.
3. Teach self-regulation skills.
For Collaborative Problem Solving: Choose Plan B
Plan A-adult wins, Plan C-child wins, Plan B is listening to the child, addressing their underlying needs, explaining your needs and limitations, and Both finding a workable solution. p.87
Collaborative problem solving:
Step 1: empathize-clarify their concerns. ASK Questions first, & use reflective listening. Restate their concerns.
2. step2: share your own concerns
3. step3: invite the other person to brainstorm solutions WITH you to find that one that will be mutually satisfactory
Tips for holding problem-solving meetings:
1. Prior to meeting make your expectations clear. People should come prepared with as much data as possible.
2. At the beginning, remind people of rules: we’re all going to share perspectives only. Solutions are for later.
3. Don’t deviate from Plan B structure
4. Be open minded and curious when participants express their ideas. Ask questions about someone’s perspective.
5. Resist the urge to dominate the conversation or to interject solutions before everyone has expressed their concerns.
6. Invite all to participate in the conversation.
7. Don’t rush the conversation.
Use Plan A when:
\-tight deadline and a decision to be made
\-need to make a statement about organization’s vision
\-employee is taking inconsistent action
\-employee is behaving illegal.
Use Plan C when:
\-employee has a concern important to her and you feel comfortable dropping your concern.
\-building up an employees confidence
\-managing an employee who is also a public authority.
Use Plan B when:
\-you face a recurring issue with an employee, you have significant concerns that you don’t feel comfortable dropping, you don’t think Plan A is going to solve the issue.
These were my highlighted notes:
1. Lack of skill is the primary factor for poor behavior. Individuals don’t know how to express their needs or behave in a situation.
1. Skill Deficits can be both nature and nurture problems and require more teaching, modeling, and mentoring “A child with a brain adapted for an environment of chaos, unpredictability, threat, and distress is ill-suited to the modern playground or classroom." Dr. Bruce Perry p.55
2. How we work with those with skill deficits says more about the parent or manager than the child.
3. Teach self-regulation skills.
For Collaborative Problem Solving: Choose Plan B
Plan A-adult wins, Plan C-child wins, Plan B is listening to the child, addressing their underlying needs, explaining your needs and limitations, and Both finding a workable solution. p.87
Collaborative problem solving:
Step 1: empathize-clarify their concerns. ASK Questions first, & use reflective listening. Restate their concerns.
2. step2: share your own concerns
3. step3: invite the other person to brainstorm solutions WITH you to find that one that will be mutually satisfactory
Tips for holding problem-solving meetings:
1. Prior to meeting make your expectations clear. People should come prepared with as much data as possible.
2. At the beginning, remind people of rules: we’re all going to share perspectives only. Solutions are for later.
3. Don’t deviate from Plan B structure
4. Be open minded and curious when participants express their ideas. Ask questions about someone’s perspective.
5. Resist the urge to dominate the conversation or to interject solutions before everyone has expressed their concerns.
6. Invite all to participate in the conversation.
7. Don’t rush the conversation.
Use Plan A when:
\-tight deadline and a decision to be made
\-need to make a statement about organization’s vision
\-employee is taking inconsistent action
\-employee is behaving illegal.
Use Plan C when:
\-employee has a concern important to her and you feel comfortable dropping your concern.
\-building up an employees confidence
\-managing an employee who is also a public authority.
Use Plan B when:
\-you face a recurring issue with an employee, you have significant concerns that you don’t feel comfortable dropping, you don’t think Plan A is going to solve the issue.
January 5, 2025
Changeable: How Collaborative Problem Solving Changes Lives at Home, at School, and at Work by J. Stuart Ablon introduces the concept of Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS), a compassionate and hopeful approach to addressing behavioral challenges. CPS operates on the belief that if a person is struggling, it's because of an underdeveloped or weak skill that can be worked on and learned. This mindset replaces judgment with empathy and collaboration, making it an optimistic and constructive way to approach challenges.
As an educator, I found the CPS framework both practical and inspiring, with its emphasis on understanding and building skills rather than assigning blame. What stood out to me most is how CPS transcends specific contexts—it’s applicable not only in schools but also in homes, workplaces, and relationships of all kinds.
The book clearly outlines the steps of CPS, making it accessible and actionable. I gave it 4 stars instead of 5 though because I found it repetitive at times and felt it lacked substance beyond the description of CPS and its steps. I would have loved more concrete examples of how CPS has been applied in diverse settings to bring the concepts to life.
Overall, Changeable is a valuable resource for anyone looking for a compassionate and collaborative way to address behavioral challenges and strengthen relationships.
As an educator, I found the CPS framework both practical and inspiring, with its emphasis on understanding and building skills rather than assigning blame. What stood out to me most is how CPS transcends specific contexts—it’s applicable not only in schools but also in homes, workplaces, and relationships of all kinds.
The book clearly outlines the steps of CPS, making it accessible and actionable. I gave it 4 stars instead of 5 though because I found it repetitive at times and felt it lacked substance beyond the description of CPS and its steps. I would have loved more concrete examples of how CPS has been applied in diverse settings to bring the concepts to life.
Overall, Changeable is a valuable resource for anyone looking for a compassionate and collaborative way to address behavioral challenges and strengthen relationships.
October 14, 2024
This is a groundbreaking book as far as I’m concerned. The tools you are taught and the things these Dr’s have done is amazing. My husband and I raised our children very different than we were raised. A lot like plan A, B or c dependent on the issue and time. I wish I had read this book about 10 years ago. When it comes down to it all anybody really wants is to be heard.
I will reread this book to refresh my memory as needed but everyone shoud read this book and put it into practice the sooner the better. What a different world we would live in.
Highly recommend.
Favorite quotes and moments from the book:
Changeable offers a new way of thinking about discipline, conflict, relationships, and problem solving, as well as scientifically validated tools for tackling conflict in your own life
Step 1: Empathize- clarify their concerns.
Step 2: share your own concerns.
Step 3: Invite the other person to brainstorm solutions with you, so that you can arrive at one that is both practical and mutually satisfactory.
“Tell me and I forget,” Ben Franklin once said, teach me and I’ll remember, involve me and I learn.
I will reread this book to refresh my memory as needed but everyone shoud read this book and put it into practice the sooner the better. What a different world we would live in.
Highly recommend.
Favorite quotes and moments from the book:
Changeable offers a new way of thinking about discipline, conflict, relationships, and problem solving, as well as scientifically validated tools for tackling conflict in your own life
Step 1: Empathize- clarify their concerns.
Step 2: share your own concerns.
Step 3: Invite the other person to brainstorm solutions with you, so that you can arrive at one that is both practical and mutually satisfactory.
“Tell me and I forget,” Ben Franklin once said, teach me and I’ll remember, involve me and I learn.
October 22, 2024
Four complaints one compliment
Complaints:
1. Labeling kids as "wrong".
Example was a student has a visible skin condition which left them ostracized. They ended up friends with individuals who smoke pot and the author labeled it as being with the "wrong type of kids." I'd argue that being inclusive is a great behavior and this phrasing made me frustrated.
2. Not using person-first language or strength-based mindset.
Example: "Challenging kids" rather than "kids who's behavior is challenging to engage with"
3. Not recognizing gender identities other than male and female. This could make gender non-conforming individuals feel excluded.
4. Don't use CPS as an acronym other than for Children's Protective Services.
They used CPS for some behavior tool and there wasn't a single time I didn't think of Child Protective Services which was distracting. I still don't know what this author's CPS stands for.
Compliment:
the focus on empathy and how brains work differently was extremely valuable.
Complaints:
1. Labeling kids as "wrong".
Example was a student has a visible skin condition which left them ostracized. They ended up friends with individuals who smoke pot and the author labeled it as being with the "wrong type of kids." I'd argue that being inclusive is a great behavior and this phrasing made me frustrated.
2. Not using person-first language or strength-based mindset.
Example: "Challenging kids" rather than "kids who's behavior is challenging to engage with"
3. Not recognizing gender identities other than male and female. This could make gender non-conforming individuals feel excluded.
4. Don't use CPS as an acronym other than for Children's Protective Services.
They used CPS for some behavior tool and there wasn't a single time I didn't think of Child Protective Services which was distracting. I still don't know what this author's CPS stands for.
Compliment:
the focus on empathy and how brains work differently was extremely valuable.
February 24, 2020
Trong Changeable - "Mọi thứ đều có thể thay đổi", J. Stuart Ablon đề xuất một phương pháp đột phá để thay đổi hành vi con người. Ông gọi là Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS) - Phương pháp giải quyết vấn đề thông qua hợp tác. Trọng tâm của phương pháp nằm ở lập luận con người không cố tình cư xử không đúng mực hay chống đối mà vì họ thiếu các kỹ năng tư duy cần thiết để đáp ứng các kỳ vọng và giải quyết xung đột.
Chính vì lẽ đó, trong cuốn sách của mình, thông qua phương pháp CPS, J. Stuart Ablon đưa ra các tư duy mới về kỷ luật, xung đột, các mối quan hệ, cách giải quyết vấn đề, cũng như các công cụ đã được khoa học kiểm chứng để giải quyết các xung đột trong cuộc sống.
Giống như tên của cuốn sách - "Mọi th�� đều có thể thay đổi", cuốn sách mang đến cái nhìn lạc quan và khoa học về cách chúng ta nên làm để vượt qua các thách thức trong quá trình tương tác của con người với con người, giúp chính mình và người khác thay đổi một cách hiệu quả
Chính vì lẽ đó, trong cuốn sách của mình, thông qua phương pháp CPS, J. Stuart Ablon đưa ra các tư duy mới về kỷ luật, xung đột, các mối quan hệ, cách giải quyết vấn đề, cũng như các công cụ đã được khoa học kiểm chứng để giải quyết các xung đột trong cuộc sống.
Giống như tên của cuốn sách - "Mọi th�� đều có thể thay đổi", cuốn sách mang đến cái nhìn lạc quan và khoa học về cách chúng ta nên làm để vượt qua các thách thức trong quá trình tương tác của con người với con người, giúp chính mình và người khác thay đổi một cách hiệu quả
August 30, 2025
My husband read Let Them this year and it led him to this book. He listened to it first and then strongly encouraged me to read it as well. We got this on Audible and I will probably re-listen to it later. Parenting is hard, dealing with angry teens is hard, dealing with upset adults is really hard. This book uses the phrase "skill not will" a LOT. But it is purposeful. It gives evidence and a framework for working together to find ways forward when it seems like there are no ways. It is hopeful and it is something that can help make us better parents if we can learn to really use it. I would rate this a 4.0.
Content FYIs: There are some examples of hard things and maybe a few swear words.
Content FYIs: There are some examples of hard things and maybe a few swear words.
December 5, 2024
I have heard about Collaborative Problem solving a few times in my professional career, but this was my first formal introduction to it. The ideas of using empathy and listening to concerns on both sides of a conflict and working to find solutions together is an elegant one, and certainly connected with moments in my past when I was better able to avoid conflict (unintentionally) by stumbling onto these types of processes. I liked how structured and intentional the author is in building up a straight forward framework to use and insisting on rigidity only with the order that one moves through the steps. Look forward to delving deeper into this theory with the online trainings.
March 13, 2018
In Changeable, collaborative problem solving is introduced by psychologist J. Stuart Ablon who believes that changing problem behavior is a matter of skill, not will. With 25 years of research and evidence, this novel shares some different ideas. Personally, I believe in the world right now, anything that encourages others to build empathy and help others reach their potential is well worth the effort. Thanks for the win of this book; I hope that by sharing it with others, I will be able to make it easier for someone to assist another person in a positive way.
August 9, 2018
This book was easy to read, well-written, and took some higher level strategies and broke them down into actionable steps. The stories used to illustrate the methods in the book were relatable and timely. I think that people can use these methods to improve outcomes in work, school, relationships, and most scenarios that come up in life.
May 9, 2024
I read this book slowly, one chapter at a time over the course of a month or so. I was incredibly annoyed most of the time. I kept wondering (besides the actual “plans” laid out, which make up maybe 2 pages of the 244 here) when I was going to learn something I could put into practice. I never really got that. Very fluffy. This could have been an essay or publication in a scholastic journal.
January 31, 2025
HIGHLIGHTS:
1. I noticed X-behavior, what’s up with that?
2. Empathy is a skill of successful executives.
3. People have skill deficits vs intentionally wanting to misbehave.
4. Employees need continue training on problem-solving skills.
5. Don’t impose a solution.
6. Share concerns. Let the other person start sharing ideas first.
1. I noticed X-behavior, what’s up with that?
2. Empathy is a skill of successful executives.
3. People have skill deficits vs intentionally wanting to misbehave.
4. Employees need continue training on problem-solving skills.
5. Don’t impose a solution.
6. Share concerns. Let the other person start sharing ideas first.
April 9, 2025
This book completely changed my perspective. People do as well as they can, and skill, not will are 2 critical concepts to understanding people. Stuart masterfully breaks down the steps of active listening, even in challenging, heated conversations. I am so very grateful for his amazing work. I recommend watching his interview with Mel Robbins: https://youtu.be/j6sSGT30WEg.
April 9, 2025
Great take on how collaborative problem solving teaches skills to all of us who need them to work successfully with others. It was interesting how they used this basic approach in jails, homes, schools, mental health facilities, and workplaces--all with great success. I'm hoping to implement this more in all my relationships.
April 17, 2025
A solid approach to solving problems and resolving conflict with folks who often find themselves stuck in the self (and relationally) defeating pattern of rigid thinking. Is it a cookie cutter approach that will work for all people? No, certainly not; however, it can be an instrumental tool/strategy for the restoration of relationships for many.
April 24, 2025
If you have kids, especially teens, READ THIS BOOK! Ablon offers so many actionable ideas in how to better communicate with people that seem otherwise impossible to communicate with. I truly appreciate the idea that people are difficult to work with or communicate with simply because they lack certain skills. His ideas lend hope to otherwise seemingly hopeless situations.
May 3, 2025
Helpful text for understanding and learning how to implement collaborative problem solving in many parts of everyday life. Some new concepts that have shifted my perspective a bit on people’s behaviors, and affirmed my belief that we should lead with empathy to strengthen relationships and avoid conflict.
October 23, 2025
I listened to this book and learned a lot. I especially liked the will vs skill mindset (are people acting that way because they want to vs have they learned the skills to act any other way?). Also, I learned some skills for collaborative problem solving, using great examples of what to say when you are in a conflict situation.
August 15, 2018
An interesting read for school about collaborativve problem solving with students, colleagues and basicly anyone in your life. Seems a bit overwhelming right now, but useful once you get the hang of it.
January 23, 2020
Fantastic framework for approaching any interpersonal interaction!! Especially helpful for parents - this approach is strengthening my relationships with my kids and helping us all to build new skills.
November 10, 2020
I like the idea and the method of collaborative problem solving that they describe in the book. However the book spent way too much time trying to convince me to use this method than helping me to understand how to use it. Good idea bad writing.
July 9, 2022
Intriguing concept! As a person who strives to avoid conflict, Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS) provides a nuanced and respectful way for folks to come to an understanding and brainstorm reasonable solutions.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 48 reviews