Trans Figured: My Journey from Boy to Girl to Woman to Man

by Brian Belovitch

“ A thrilling read…. One of the most mercilessly candid and outspoken memoirs in years. If Holly Golightly existed, this might have been her true story. I couldn’t put it down.”—Scott Wittman, Tony and Grammy award-winning lyricist of Hairspray

Imagine experiencing life not as the gender dictated by birth but as one of your own design. In Trans Figured , Brian Belovitch shares his true story of life as a gender outlier and his dramatic journey through the jungle of gender identity.

Brian has the rare distinction of coming out three first as a queer teenager; second as a glamorous transgender woman named Tish, and later, Natalia Gervais; and finally as an HIV-positive gay man surviving the AIDS crisis in the 1980s. From growing up in a barely-working-class first-generation immigrant family in Fall River, Massachusetts, to spinning across the disco dance floor of Studio 54 in New York City . . . from falling into military lock-step as the Army wife of a domineering GI in Germany to having a brush with fame as Natalia, high-flying downtown darling of the boozy and druggy pre-Giuliani New York nightclub scene, Brian escaped many near-death experiences.

Trans Figured chronicles a life lived on the edge with an unforgettable cast of characters during a dangerous and chaotic era. Rich with drama and excitement, this no-holds-barred memoir tells it all. Most importantly, Brian's candid and poignant story of recovery shines a light on the perseverance of the human spirit.

Genres: Nonfiction, Biography, LGBT, Memoir, Queer, Audiobook, Transgender

280 pages, Hardcover

First published September 4, 2018

Reviews

[Nore · Rating 3 out of 5]

Oof, okay, this is a literal three stars - while I wasn't blown away by it, I liked it, and I appreciate Belovitch's courage in publishing this now, during a time when re-/detransitioned people are caught in nasty spot between radical feminists, who want to use them as evidence that transition is never the right path, and trans activists, who want to silence them or claim that they were never really trans in the first place.

(If you don't believe me, take a look at the talk page on the detransition wikipedia page. A user dropped by to inform the detransitioned editor that "detransition (as with Conversion therapy) undermines a foundational LGBTIQ narrative" - in other words, detransitioned people, by existing, are effectively advertising conversion therapy. I can only image how that feels to detransitioned people.)

I'll get my big issues with this book out of the way first. There is so much name dropping. So, so, so much name dropping! So much name dropping that it got in the way of Belovitch actually telling his story in favor of mentioning how many famous people he rubbed elbows with as a trans woman! It got to the point that my eyes glazed over whenever he launched into the backstory of another famous actor. I wasn't there to hear about them - I was there to hear about Belovitch.

There was also a lack of structure to the book; more than once, he referred back to events that he'd described earlier in the book to add more details, sometimes unnecessarily, sometimes with information I'd liked to have known during the initial description. The pacing was terrible, with the last few pages dedicated to his detransition in a rush, and little attention paid to his process of coming to terms with his decision to detransition. This may have been on purpose, though, as detransition is fiercely debated right now - trans activists don't seem to want to hear exactly the sort of thing that Belovitch says in this book.

What he has to say is what I've heard over and over again in my readings from detransitioned and reidentified people (mostly women, some men). All of them had self-esteem issues or lacked a strong sense of self; many had other mental illnesses, or experienced abuse or neglect as children; many were gay or lesbian and felt pressure to transition so they could present as straight, rather than gay; and almost all of them felt as if they didn't fit in for some reason. Combinations of these issues have led many people to a trans identity as a way to "fix" themselves or find a way to fit in. In Belovitch's case, as a soft, feminine gay man, he felt that he could never find love in a community that prioritized masculinity - without a strong sense of self, he jumped into transition as a way to ease his suffering, and eventually found that he transitioned for the wrong reasons.

He also mentions in passing something I've become increasingly concerned with after watching two men I knew being to identify as trans women (for really horrifying reasons, frankly) - misogyny. Belovitch speaks to how, as a trans woman, he could only base his idea of how a woman should be on misogynistic stereotypes, because he could never truly know what life is like for a cis woman. This alone would get him torn apart by many trans women these days, but honestly? He's right, and he should say it. That doesn't invalidate trans women - they have a womanhood that I could only act out in stereotypes, if I were to try to - but it is a factor in the way they present, and that was made painfully clear to me as I watched both men in question become disgustingly, nails-on-a-chalkboard misogynistic. One of them blamed it on his "feminine soul." And I could only grin and bear it, because to point out the sexism would be transphobic!

It's called gatekeeping these days, but stories like Belovitch's make it clear to me that we need better mental healthcare for people who identify as trans. It wasn't until Belovitch was able to receive proper therapy that he began to recover and deal with his past. Transitioning can help some people live their lives happily, but transitioning in and of itself will not solve anything - any problems you had before transitioning will be right there during and after transitioning, and the additional stress won't make them any easier to deal with.

I have a lot of questions I would like to ask Belovitch. I would like to ask him about why he thinks his story would be more common, if not for AIDS (that section of the book brought me to tears, by the way) - was the pressure to transition always so present? Does he think many of the trans women of the day were more like him, fluid in presentation? Would he have been happier as a trans woman if not for the painful pressure of transphobia? Would he have detransitioned if transphobia hadn't been such a constant issue in his life?

And what does he think of the trend today of silencing detransitioned people as inconvenient? Is there less support for detransitioned people now than there was in the 80s? What does he think of James Shupe, the first legally nonbinary person, who now denounces gender ideology entirely?

Personally, I appreciate that Belovitch didn't go the way of James Shupe in completely denouncing trans people. Clearly, transition does help some people, even if it shouldn't be the first and only treatment option for dysphoria, and as individuals, we have no right to judge how others live their lives. Belovitch seems like a genuinely nice person who lived a very storied life, and I'm happy that he's found his peace in the world.

[MissBecka Gee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Brian has the rare distinction of coming out three times: first as a queer teenager; second as a glamorous transgender woman named Tish, and later, Natalia Gervais; and finally as an HIV-positive gay man surviving the AIDS crisis in the 1980s.

This was a very unique story I was super excited to read.
Given the era that the author went through all of this makes it even more impressive to be allowed to share in his experiences.

"Rebelling was the new normal."

Tish/Brian lead such an interesting and weird life. Some of the stuff was hard to wrap your head around since there was sooo much packed into this story. Both tragedy as well as glamour found a way to fall into Tish/Brian's life. Living as a trans woman in the 70's and 80's she had some strange memories and stories that punctuated her naivety with a side of trauma that caused her jaded feels. There was a whirlwind of crap that got thrown at the author at a very young age.

"Although I'm deeply loved by some, I feel that has little validity."

I was fascinated by the way Brian delivered the majority of the memories with a deadpan matter of fact style. This did make it difficult to feel the memories shared since some were glossed over with no further explanation or fired off too rapidly to catch the emotion revealed.
Extremely interesting. Just less engaging than I had hoped for.

"It's also important to note that I now understood that gender was fluid and it flowed more easily when I allowed it to."

Tish/Brian certainly lived an extraordinary life and I was pleasantly surprised with how his life turned out earning many achievements and accomplishments after so many setbacks.
I always do like to see a happy ending. *swoon*
Thank you NetGalley and Skyhorse Publishing for hooking me up with this early release copy.

[Susan Marrier · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an amazing story, and so well told despite a few editorial glitches near the end. Here is a kid who was bullied for being different--immigrant parents, and effeminate appearance--who went through all kinds of hell before finally learning to live his true self, thanks to some wonderful friends who believed in him against all odds. Particularly intriguing was his (her) encounter with a strange, kind man who seemed almost to be a Jesus figure, who saved him from death on one occasion. I lived in New York City just at the beginning of this tumultuous era, in the mid 60's, but had no idea of this side of the city except that I knew that there were gay bars. So this was an eye-opener for me. What an intoxicating mix of fame, booze, drugs, sex, for a "lost" young man, or even a whole generation of people caught up in the glamour and the horror of it. Belovitch tells it like it was, but straight-forward, without slipping into seamy, gratuitous sex scenes, though that was certainly a huge part of the experience. In the end, it is a story of family trauma, forgiveness, and the triumph of the spirit. Educational and inspiring. Recommended.

[Erik Stevens · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have been looking forward to this book and luckily it did not disappoint. A remarkable painful yet triumphant journey that takes you on phenomenal twists & turns. Brian has a fabulous flair of the pen that left me craving for more. Anybody who has ever questioned their reason for being or their own sound identity should most definitely read this book. Because so much happened during his lifetime there were times that it was challenging to follow the sequence events, but a quick review of pages read before solved that issue.
Having read some reviews of this book I was utterly disappointed in some of the critique especially by younger readers that this did not fit into current QUEER thinking. All younger members of the LGTBQ community need to realize that the 70s and 80s were not easy times for anyone that did not fit into the NORM. Vocabulary of the time especially slang were more terms of endearment rather than insult. I think there is a lot that we all can learn from this tragic yet heartwarming & ultimately rewarding tale of strength, self acceptance & love.

[Blaine Hopkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brian Belovitch was interviewed on NPR one Sunday and I had to get the book. It's a sobering story, but he writes with such humor and hope, that I was either chuckling or crying depending on where I happened to be reading.... his life was so much harder than many of us have experienced. But he just kept putting on his best face and making decisions.... and surviving.... and soaring. If you or a loved one has lived with questions about sexuality, gender dysphoria, societal criticisms and judgment.... you'll read how he faced them and learned ways to accept and triumph. I felt so empowered after finishing it, and felt he was a truly kindred soul. For any young people who are dealing with these issues, I'd highly recommend spending the time with Brian's amazing story.

[Margaret · Rating 3 out of 5]

One the one hand - the bigger hand, actually - a super interesting autobiography about a gay man born male, who becomes female (w/o an operation), and then re-becomes (my word) male. It's fascinating! Very brave and out there book. Which leads to my other, smaller hand, as in at times way TMI, and could really have used a stronger editor plus proofing. But setting that aside, back to the larger point, Mr. Belovitch tells his story well and without pulling punches. I'm happy for him that he has ended up doing well in life and found his longtime love and husband.

[Roberta Blablanski · Rating 4 out of 5]

***ARC provided via NetGalley in exchange for honest and impartial review.***

TW/CW for rape/sexual assault, physical abuse, emotional abuse, transphobia, homophobia, body dysphoria, drug use...I'm probably overlooking some.

Trans Figured is Brian Belovitch's true story of growing up and becoming an adult as a transgender person during a time when being different was not only frowned upon, but dangerous at times. It's a heavy read, one rife with difficult topics.

Brian's chronicle of his evolution from a cherub child to transgender woman to a gay man is at times both fabulous and heart-wrenching. His story is filled with abusive family members, celebrity cameos, nefarious friends and acquaintances, and unexpected fairy godmothers/fathers.

How one lived through everything he experienced and made it out in one piece is a mystery. Brian is very candid in relating all the good and bad events from his life. He doesn't sugarcoat any of the roadblocks and pit stops on his journey. No doubt he has lived an exciting and varied life.

Brian gives the reader a unique insight into his account of his inner turmoil of his outward appearance not matching his internal identity and his struggle to adapt to his changing circumstances. Lack of stability and ulterior motives of the people he wants to trust form and influence his bumpy journey. One can't help but think if one particular event didn't occur or if one particular person didn't cross his path or treat him a certain way, his life might have turned out quite differently.

But his story isn't all bad. He does form great, positive relationships that help him repair the damage. In the end, he flourishes. Sometimes you have to go through the bad to get to the good.

[Monical · Rating 2 out of 5]

Interesting autobiography of a "gender fluid" person and his coming out. The book is filled with detailed childhood and young adult reminisces (maybe a bit more than I wanted to read). Early in his teenage years, he decided to move to MTF transition and lives for many years as a "passing" transexual. The last half of this book moves really quickly into his evolution to a more male orientation along with discovery of his HIV positive status and the loss of many friends in the AIDS epidemic. His perspective as a young transexual, life in NY during the heady 70's, and eventual acceptance of gender fluidity is enlightening. However, the author has a hard time providing any depth to his narrative limiting engagement or understanding.

[Erin M · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an incredible read. Brian’s portrait of his life as a queer person during the 70s and 80s New York and New England is truly enlightening, tragic, hysterical, and overall an inspiring trip through pop culture and a unique queer experience.

[Erin Giesser · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is so powerful! A brave memoir of Brian's search for identity, this story is filled with pain, humor and power. It's a testimony to recovery. And, fun to ready of New England and New York in the 80's through today. Read this book. You'll love it.

[Janice · Rating 4 out of 5]

Heartbreaking and inspiring. Brian's account of the hell he went through has none of the self-pity that autobiographies often have. The cruelty of his family was truly jaw-dropping. I was so relieved at the end that Brian is thriving in the new life he has created for himself. Well done.

[Leo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very interesting life story

[Karyl · Rating 3 out of 5]

I heard an interview with Brian Belovitch in passing on NPR, and what really caught my attention was the fact that he’s from Rhode Island and grew up here and in Fall River, Massachusetts. I live so close to where he grew up that it brought another level of enjoyment in reading for me.

That said, this isn’t the easiest book to get through. I’m not sure what to say because I don’t want to come across as ignorant or offensive, but I don’t think Belovitch was wrong to transition to a woman or to change his mind and return to being a man. Sexuality and gender both are so fluid that it’s not surprising to me that a person may be unsure the place he wants to inhabit in the world. I found it rather interesting that Belovitch floats the idea that he may have been encouraged to transition to female in order to really plant himself on one side of the gender divide in a time before fluidity was more acceptable.

This book can be quite graphic, both in terms of the sexual abuse Belovitch suffered as a child, and in terms of the sexual exploits and drug use Natalia/Tish engaged in. I’m not sure if Belovitch included such raw detail in order to be brutally honest or if he was simply wanting to titillate.

The name dropping is absolutely huge in this book, and, I feel, really gets in the way. I understand that Natalia was in NYC at a very vibrant period of time and hung out at Studio 54 and other famous clubs, but the list of the celebrities she rubbed elbows with got a bit tiresome. I would have preferred more introspection regarding his decision to return to being male after fifteen years spent living and passing as a woman. I’m sure it didn’t come easily or quickly.

This is just one person’s journey through gender, and shouldn’t be read as a bible for all transgender individuals. Each person has their own journey and decisions to make.

[Maria Enns · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really loved this book, it was a fantastic read and it kept me wanting more. And as much as I knew so much of Brian's story, there were parts that I didn't know that either had me giggling or sharing in his agony and angst. I really lived his story as I read it...

First off let me say that this book is not only an amazing read about a raw "real life on life's terms" but parts of this story is also a "historical document" about that life, during a time and in a place - that was kind of like a "Wonderland" of sorts, a New York City that could be dangerous as hell at times and very challenging to navigate.

The way Brian reconstructs his various encounters and experiences over years - genuinely pulls the reader in - deeply and intimately - to encounter and experience everything that spills from the pages, empirically. You really "live" and survive all of it - from the early disappointments of childhood and family to the dysphoria to the drugs to the diamonds and the gifts from a small time hood...

It is raw, it is real and it is not your ordinary run-of-the-mill memoir. Rather it is a true story of a courageous and fearless individual who not only makes the best of so many difficult situations, feelings and emotions, but is able to survive everything that is thrown at him...and in the end is invincible and finds joy.

When you close this book as the reader you really know that you just witnessed first hand - an absolute and sincere story of legitimate joy and undeniable gratitude.

Read it. You will not regret it...

[Julie Coyle · Rating 5 out of 5]

A graphic look at the true story of a boy struggling with his gender identity in the 70’s and 80’s, his tumultuous transition to a transgender woman, and finally his recovery as a gay man. Along the way we are introduced to a cast of characters that includes his dysfunctional family as well as celebrities and benefactors. His journey includes abuse, drugs, and sex; from working the street to living as a military wife, to nightclubbing in NY. Brian tells us his heartbreaking story, hard fight for survival, and triumphant recovery. A must read for anyone who has a relative or friend going through a gender identity crisis.

[Yali Bai · Rating 4 out of 5]

I admire author's courage to speak out his gender identity confusion. After reading this book, I think every kids should be protected and loved by their parents. kids should not be exposed to sex, and another thing that could cause the gender confusion. I feel so sorry for Brain have to suffer so much to finally back to a man, which is his birth gender.

[Katy Lohman]

Not a pretty book. Brian/Natalia survives some horrible things, does some horrible things, yet manages to pick himself up and start fresh. On the way, he (or she) meets a whole cast of intriguing characters and has some interesting adventures in celebrity-land. I find it heartening that he found out who he wants to be, and is living the life he wants.

[Jamie · Rating 5 out of 5]

A harrowing, vividly colorful, and intensely moving account of how hatred, neglect, and trauma can send someone looking for the right things but for all the wrong reasons. What's particularly refreshing about this book is how apolitical it is. Belovitch does not parlay his experience into any kind of political attack, agenda, or prescription. A truly remarkable story and person. 4.5/5

[Jim Russell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gripping and memorable.
A nonstop rollercoaster of distinct and diverse escapades, woven together in the author's search for meaning and acceptance - acceptance from other and of him/her/self.
A highly recommended read.

[Lily OnTheLam · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very interesting tale

[Missy · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars

[Maya · Rating 5 out of 5]

Uniquely refreshing

Loved the story. This is one of the best memoirs I’ve ever read. I was impressed by the details and authenticity. Read it!?

[Shawna Cevraini · Rating 3 out of 5]

Gritty and hard hitting, this was a fascinating read. A little hard to read at times because it felt repetitive when the name dropping sections came in. However, overall, a very eye-opening piece about what made Brian who is is today.

[Starla Nichols · Rating 3 out of 5]

i did not finish. I got about 150 pages in. Some of it was exciting, some sad, you can really see the determination someone would go through to have the chance to be themselves. I think I am at a point where I am tired of reading anything. This is the 3rd book this week I have put down and cannot continue. So It is not the author or the book. It really is me.

[Donna Patora · Rating 5 out of 5]

Trans Figured:My Journey from Boy to Girl to Woman to Man

This is the story of a person living an abusive life and going through a a confusing life of gender identity but never giving up. Finally finding his true self and the happiness that alluded him for so long.

[DelLinda Tryon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Enlightening Journey

Everyone should read his story Taught me to be tolerant of people who are different from he rest of us So glad he has found peace within himself. Enjoy your remaining years.

[Christine Beidel-Weiss · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow! What a life - LIVES - and such a fascinating journey. Brian tells his (and her!) story with panache and pizzazz. Highly recommend!

[Natalie Prince · Rating 4 out of 5]

An excellent memoir, so brace and poignant! I have more to say, I’ll add it later.

[Steve Stivaktis · Rating 3 out of 5]

A very interesting read, that I'll have to sort with pairs of pros and cons:

- A very brave narration of a painful, complex story, that however is spending a lot of time name-dropping and leaving me with the feeling that the author wanted to prove he was a big deal.
- A much needed voice in a world where de/re-transitioning isn't seen as valid, that however skips through the theme of the literal subtitle of the book in the last 15%. Most of it is Belovitch's life as a trans woman.
- I completely understand that this is a biographical narrative and that people are far from perfect, but I could have done without all the at times shameless descriptions of cheating, stealing, and general crimes. I'm very glad Belovitch found the help he needed and turned his life around, and again, I completely understand the reason he was the way he was and lived the life he lived. BUT so much time is spent on descriptions of events that felt that they were used more for shock value or proof that the author had, indeed, gone through hard times.

In the end, this is not a bad book. I'm glad I read it and most of all I'm glad that the author found his way and seems to be happy and fulfilled, it's just that it did not focus on what I expected at all.

[Shannyn Martin · Rating 4 out of 5]

What I respect most about Brian is the tremendous amount of strength and personal growth it takes to be this raw and honest. I found the book disturbing at times, but that's what makes it honest.