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302 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1990
The next morning Clarinda had to admit to herself that she was very depressed. As she lay in bed watching wisps of late-autumn fog drift and swirl past her window, she felt that inside the house was a warm and cosy emptiness in which she was about to be lost. She saw herself, her real self, for ever suspended in blackness, howling in the lonely dark, miserable and unheard; while her other, outer self went smiling through an endless purposeless routine of love for and compliance with a family and community of friends which, however excellent, were exceedingly unlike her, in some way that she did not fully understand.Aickman held a penetrating insight into the human condition that adds an extra dimension to his stories, elevating them beyond just tales of the weird and strange. If you've never read him before, this would be a good place to start, as I think it contains many of his best stories.
Only when Melvin, her husband, was on his travels, did Noelle herself go to these parties where almost everyone was younger than she. But that was quite frequently, so she realised how lucky she was that people like Simon and Mut could still be bothered with her. Not that Mut in particular was so enormously much younger. Noelle and Mut had aforetime shared an apartment. The then infant Simon had already been Mut's lover, been it for years, but Noelle had not yet met Melvin. Indeed, when Mut had been out of the room, Simon could be depended upon for a small-scale agitation, or quick pass. It was a tradition that still lingered.
As it happened, a surprising number of men seemed still to fall fractionally in love with Noelle, and to prefer dulcet and tender talk with her to such other things as might be on offer elsewhere. Noelle could never whether it was merely her appearance or something less primary that drew them. She often reflected upon how little she had to complain of.
...I fear that I very slowly strangled the connection. I was sad about it in a general sort of way, but neither the man nor his wife had truly touched anything about me or within me, and associations that are not alive are best amputated as skilfully as possible before the rot infects too much of one's total tissue and unnecessarily lowers the tone of life. If one goes to parties or meets many new people in any other way, one has to take protective action quite frequently, however much one hates oneself in the process; just as human beings are compelled to massacre animals unceasingly, because human beings are simply unable to survive, for the most part, on apples and nuts.