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Love Rules: How to Find a Real Relationship in a Digital World
"For those looking for a smart, no-bullshit, effective guide to finding love, look no further."—Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity
"While I’m not sure what Carrie Bradshaw would have made of today’s new world of dating, I do know this: armed with Love Rules, she would have figured it all out in one season."—Sarah Jessica Parker
SHERYL SANDBERG EMPOWERED WOMEN TO LEAN IN
ARIANNA HUFFINGTON ENCOURAGED THEM TO THRIVE
NOW, JOANNA COLES GUIDES THEM ON THEIR MOST IMPORTANT JOURNEY: FINDING LOVE
Just as there is junk food, there is junk love. And like junk food, junk love is fast, convenient, attractively packaged, widely available, superficially tasty—and leaves you hungering for more. And both junk food and junk love require enormous amounts of willpower to resist.
Social media and online dating sites have become the supermarkets of our relationship lives. You have to wade through rows of cupcakes and potato chips to find the produce aisle, where those relationships grounded in intimacy and trust live—the ones worth your investment. A diet book for romantic relationships, Love Rules first asks women to re-assess the way they think about their relationships, and then helps them use that newfound awareness to navigate their love lives more successfully in this very modern, fast-paced—and often lonely—digital age.
In these pages leading media exec and former Editor in Chief of Cosmopolitan and Marie Claire Joanna Coles provides a series of simple guidelines for finding worthwhile love: fifteen rules—love "hacks." She also explains how to use dating apps effectively to expand real world connections and how to avoid DADD- dating attention-deficit disorder, where the tantalizing promise of someone better appears to be only the next swipe away.
Love Rules will enable you to identify what you want in a relationship, when you should pursue it, and how to find it.
"While I’m not sure what Carrie Bradshaw would have made of today’s new world of dating, I do know this: armed with Love Rules, she would have figured it all out in one season."—Sarah Jessica Parker
SHERYL SANDBERG EMPOWERED WOMEN TO LEAN IN
ARIANNA HUFFINGTON ENCOURAGED THEM TO THRIVE
NOW, JOANNA COLES GUIDES THEM ON THEIR MOST IMPORTANT JOURNEY: FINDING LOVE
Just as there is junk food, there is junk love. And like junk food, junk love is fast, convenient, attractively packaged, widely available, superficially tasty—and leaves you hungering for more. And both junk food and junk love require enormous amounts of willpower to resist.
Social media and online dating sites have become the supermarkets of our relationship lives. You have to wade through rows of cupcakes and potato chips to find the produce aisle, where those relationships grounded in intimacy and trust live—the ones worth your investment. A diet book for romantic relationships, Love Rules first asks women to re-assess the way they think about their relationships, and then helps them use that newfound awareness to navigate their love lives more successfully in this very modern, fast-paced—and often lonely—digital age.
In these pages leading media exec and former Editor in Chief of Cosmopolitan and Marie Claire Joanna Coles provides a series of simple guidelines for finding worthwhile love: fifteen rules—love "hacks." She also explains how to use dating apps effectively to expand real world connections and how to avoid DADD- dating attention-deficit disorder, where the tantalizing promise of someone better appears to be only the next swipe away.
Love Rules will enable you to identify what you want in a relationship, when you should pursue it, and how to find it.
256 pages, Hardcover
First published April 10, 2018
107 people are currently reading
791 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 48 reviews
did-not-finish
April 20, 2021BREAKING NEWS: This is an annoying book.
DNF at page 56
I call false-advertising because I picked this up under the promise of a glimpse at a somewhat decent guide to modern dating . . . merely because my curiosity's attention was snagged.
"Just as there is junk food, there is junk love.
*pauses quote to sing 🎶 I'm so sick of this jun-kuh love! Jun-kuh love!🎶 because I'm in love with BTS songs and am easily triggered okay*
And like junk food, junk love is fast, convenient, attractively packaged, widely available, superficially tasty—and leaves you hungering for more. And both junk food and junk love require enormous amounts of willpower to resist."
THIS BOOK IS LIKE JUNK LOVE BECAUSE IT IS ATTRACTIVELY PACKAGED but that's where the similarities end because it would have taken an enormous amount of willpower for me to keep reading this. It's written very simply, which isn't a fallback for a "self-help" kind of book . . . but I also thought it was written TOO simply?? Also, it says that this is supposed to give you a guide to avoid the hookup culture but what I read had 0% avoidance tactics. Rather, it was how to find someone in the midst of hookups and to search the hookup system for a decent person.
THAT'S NOT HOW YOU AVOID SOMETHING OKAY and I'm not even going to get into my opinions on the hookup culture in general okay but yeah it's 100% not my thing.
Honestly my curiosity quickly regretted its impulsive interest in this book around page 3, but I kept reading because I'm trying to slowly broaden my reading horizons. Take chances on *shudder* non-fiction. I should have just left THIS kind of non-fiction on the shelf and picked up a history or political book.
DNF at page 56
I call false-advertising because I picked this up under the promise of a glimpse at a somewhat decent guide to modern dating . . . merely because my curiosity's attention was snagged.
"Just as there is junk food, there is junk love.
*pauses quote to sing 🎶 I'm so sick of this jun-kuh love! Jun-kuh love!🎶 because I'm in love with BTS songs and am easily triggered okay*
And like junk food, junk love is fast, convenient, attractively packaged, widely available, superficially tasty—and leaves you hungering for more. And both junk food and junk love require enormous amounts of willpower to resist."
THIS BOOK IS LIKE JUNK LOVE BECAUSE IT IS ATTRACTIVELY PACKAGED but that's where the similarities end because it would have taken an enormous amount of willpower for me to keep reading this. It's written very simply, which isn't a fallback for a "self-help" kind of book . . . but I also thought it was written TOO simply?? Also, it says that this is supposed to give you a guide to avoid the hookup culture but what I read had 0% avoidance tactics. Rather, it was how to find someone in the midst of hookups and to search the hookup system for a decent person.
THAT'S NOT HOW YOU AVOID SOMETHING OKAY and I'm not even going to get into my opinions on the hookup culture in general okay but yeah it's 100% not my thing.
Honestly my curiosity quickly regretted its impulsive interest in this book around page 3, but I kept reading because I'm trying to slowly broaden my reading horizons. Take chances on *shudder* non-fiction. I should have just left THIS kind of non-fiction on the shelf and picked up a history or political book.
May 12, 2018
Not particularly the most insightful or amazing book. The first two chapters probably offered the most in terms of laying out questions for a reader to think about what s/he wants in his/her love life. Otherwise, the chapters on being safe in online dating, abuse, etc. seemed a little bit too surface level to be actually useful to anyone. I would recommend to listen to the audiobook (as I did) on 2x speed. Total listening time is four hours that way. Honestly, I might even suggest reading any interview that Joanna Coles has given promoting this book. She probably brings up the most important questions someone can think about.
June 3, 2018
The food comparisons become rather trite. This is also a very heteronormative book for women with inconsistent attempts to make it seem otherwise. It starts strong, as other readers have noted, but then the energy fizzles, much like modern day romance, ha. The chapter on narcissistic personality disorder is important, but should appear earlier before reader fatigue sets in. Maybe not the best book to read as a thirty-something divorced woman without kids because this books seems designed for a younger crowd. There are moments of levity, but I’d suggest listening to the Sex with Emily podcast with Joanna Coles if you want a more condensed yet still thought-provoking version of this book.
December 25, 2023
This book does not deserve the negative ratings in my opinion. Now I did give it three stars but that’s because I really did not like the allusion to dieting with dating. Basically there are a lot of people who are on diet yo-yos or who have body dysmorphia now I know what she’s doing there. She’s given us an example something familiar, but I find it very distasteful. In the beginning she asked us to reflect on some good questions then, after just a few pages, she wants us to reflect on our our reflections we just made.
However, she asked us some great questions. She wants us to reflect on our relationship pattern and asked us while we were doing wrong. It’s not about the other person. Is that what we were doing wrong. And I saw that I was ignoring red flags that the men were deliberately telling me. She also urges us to have boundaries and rules. Boundary is take no for no and listen to me. That covers a wide variety of areas. Another one is to be respectful towards each other in public. If we wanna argue we need to do it somewhere else in private.
Definitely not a bad read, just take lightly her allusion to traditional dieting. She really has some great advice here. I really also enjoy her topics about being safe and dating specially, online dating. I would recommend.
However, she asked us some great questions. She wants us to reflect on our relationship pattern and asked us while we were doing wrong. It’s not about the other person. Is that what we were doing wrong. And I saw that I was ignoring red flags that the men were deliberately telling me. She also urges us to have boundaries and rules. Boundary is take no for no and listen to me. That covers a wide variety of areas. Another one is to be respectful towards each other in public. If we wanna argue we need to do it somewhere else in private.
Definitely not a bad read, just take lightly her allusion to traditional dieting. She really has some great advice here. I really also enjoy her topics about being safe and dating specially, online dating. I would recommend.
February 9, 2020
Helen Gourley Brown, the self-proclaimed "mouseburger," was a Cosmo editor who at least had a knack for a memorable turn of phrase.
This book is as filled with contradictory advice as those dentist's lounge glossies (which of late have decided that advice from gay men, arguably for gay men + astrology + faux body positivity = $$$).
From the chapter on alcohol, I'd say to single women — don't fucking drink!
From the case study from the Mormons, I'd say — the Mormon church destroys families and women on the altar of married respectability! Burn it down!
From the chapter on fertility, I'd say — all the data show that never married women are far happier on average than married women, and the former are way more likely to be childless than the latter, among the white educated magazine reading crowd who can be the only possible audience for this book.
Late in the book, she says that you've picked it up because you want a relationship.
And the self-analysis that she suggests (which does hold some residual value, sertainly [sic]), made me think, no! I really don't! I'm actually ACTIVELY AVOIDING MARRIAGE, THANKS.
Which led me to realize I should spend my reading time reading books about how to feel love (sorry, Twenge, but you do have to at least respect yourself before you can truly love others) outside this incredibly all-encompassing social construct that simply doesn't serve all women, even basic white ones like myself. (Maybe especially us.)
This book is as filled with contradictory advice as those dentist's lounge glossies (which of late have decided that advice from gay men, arguably for gay men + astrology + faux body positivity = $$$).
From the chapter on alcohol, I'd say to single women — don't fucking drink!
From the case study from the Mormons, I'd say — the Mormon church destroys families and women on the altar of married respectability! Burn it down!
From the chapter on fertility, I'd say — all the data show that never married women are far happier on average than married women, and the former are way more likely to be childless than the latter, among the white educated magazine reading crowd who can be the only possible audience for this book.
Late in the book, she says that you've picked it up because you want a relationship.
And the self-analysis that she suggests (which does hold some residual value, sertainly [sic]), made me think, no! I really don't! I'm actually ACTIVELY AVOIDING MARRIAGE, THANKS.
Which led me to realize I should spend my reading time reading books about how to feel love (sorry, Twenge, but you do have to at least respect yourself before you can truly love others) outside this incredibly all-encompassing social construct that simply doesn't serve all women, even basic white ones like myself. (Maybe especially us.)
Steiner said that you have two loves, and you don't know which one to choose. Journalism and literature. Watch out for prisons. Stay free, available, like me. Never get married. Never choose. Even in love it's better to be chosen. —La Dolce Vita
March 27, 2022
Grabbed this at the office and oh dear. Not entirely lacking in good prompts I suppose but entirely driven by diet analogies (eek!) and cull of scaremongering around safety/drinking/etc--not that these issues aren't real, but I found it super alarmist. Felt exactly like something that would indeed come out of Cosmo/Marie Claire with no extra depth. Skimmed it by the end.
lost-interest
June 2, 2018This book made me feel so outdated. Like no dating apps and no sex on the first date?! #scandal No one can't say I didn't try. #sorrynotsorry
January 30, 2021
I found the concept of basing a love book off of a diet book interesting. I don't put a lot of stock into diets but I had a lot of fun seeing what the various rules were. The book didn't suck me in but I wanted to finish it even though I shelved it for a few months.
There isn't going to be a perfect relationship book out there because relationships and how to develop them are uniquely individual experiences. There will always be parts you disagree with, parts you think are downright silly, and then there will be pieces that resonate with you, stay with you, or make you think. One thing I really enjoyed from this book were the case studies. What a fun way to sum up a concept, by showing real life examples and presenting different people's experiences and thoughts, regardless of whether or not you agreed with what was being shared.
Below I am noting sections from the book that for some reason stood out to me. I will run out of room here so will continue my notes in the comments.
Foreword
This is a diet book for love. Food and love have so much in common. We have huge appetites for both. We can't live without them. But not all food is created equal, and neither is all love. Just as there is junk food, there is junk love.... both junk food and junk love require enormous amounts of willpower to resist.
This book will enable you to identify what you want in a relationship and when you want it. In order to do that, you have to turn inwards. This book is about finding yourself and cultivating your self-worth in order to find the right person to share yourself with.
Emotional calories [random hookups, scrolling instagram, comparing, etc.] use up your positive emotional energy that would be better expended elsewhere and are not leading you to find love.
Part One: Take Inventory
Rule #1: Establish your ideal love weight.
Forget about what anyone else wants for you. Think about what you want. We are constantly seeing ourselves through others' eyes. The phrase "looking-glass self" describes this phenomenon, in which we actually define ourselves by our interactions with others.
What’s your ideal love goal? I want to find _. My ideal partner has the following three qualities: _. Analyze what Parents/Best Friend/Siblings/Colleagues/Online Friends say they want for you and check it against what you want for yourself. Do their expectations for what you deserve in a partner align with what you want? If so, how are they the same? If not, how are they different?
Rule #2: Clear out your cupboards and sweep the fridge.
Once you decide what you want in a relationship, you must make an active plan to achieve it. Set realistic goals, stick to them, and monitor them. Studies prove that you retain more information by physically writing it down, pen on paper, than tapping it out on a keyboard.
The more you know about yourself and what you actually want, the closer you are to finding it.
It feels out of control and frustrating not knowing when a relationship might appear. If only we knew that in six months/two years we would meet someone, then we could relax and enjoy the lead-up to it.
Woman’s sexual prime is widely reported to range from your midtwenties to thirties.
Figuring out what you want and need in a partner at this very specific time in your life will help focus your search.
Young women are more confused than ever about love and relationships. Sex is widely available, sex without judgement too. Hooking up is easy, though many have told me that it's not as fulfilling as they expected.
Identify your triggers: What do you think has gotten in the way of finding love?
Start this quest by being honest and conscious of what you want; then ask yourself what gets in the way of it.
Rule #3: Begin a dating detox to reset your metabolism.
You likely have a relationship pattern that you need to examine in order to determine the right habits going forward. You need to admit your weaknesses and cravings--and single out your strengths, and moments of happiness, too.
Be honest about your past relationships and your role in it. It’s time to ask yourself why you are single.
Imagine what it would be like to go on a date with yourself. What image do you present to the world? Ask people you trust to kindly tell you what your strengths are and what you could work on doing better. You don't have to agree with them, but they may give you insight you can build on.
It's important to remember every person you have fallen for because you will likely see a pattern of the types of people you find attractive emerge.
Stop complaining about how dating sucks and start analyzing what is actually going on in your love life that makes it feel like it sucks.
There is so much talk of connecting these days yet such little trust in those connections.
Friends really do come and go throughout your life and friendships change as you develop. Friends can get jealous or insist they know what is best for you. They can even sabotage potential partners.
Part Two: Date. Rinse. Repeat.
Rule #4: The treadmill won't run on its own. Climb on and press Start.
A flirty text exchange might give you a quick dopamine high, but it's not a comparable substitute for meeting in person or picking up the phone and hearing someone's voice.
Dating apps: "These are not dating sites, these are introducing sites, the only good algorithm is your own brain." - Helen Fisher
The idea of love at first sight is deeply flawed. The truth is you can't possibly tell if someone is going to be a match in three seconds. This natural system of getting to know someone is being killed by anyone who expects to have instant romance on the first date.
Being so overly connected puts too much pressure on the hunt for this very specific person who will be the answer to your dreams. Use these apps to expand your real-life social network. Dating apps are best understood and used as introducing tools. They can introduce you to people who may introduce you to someone--maybe their best friend, brother, colleague, or cousin--who you decide is special. Their real power is in how they can create the possibility of meeting people already on the margins of your world whom you might otherwise miss connecting with because you aren't normally in the same place at the same time.
Instead of thinking, "How do I find a partner?" think, "How can I expand my connections? How can I create more possibilities in my life, whether for relationships or friendships?"
Reimagine dating apps as a way of meeting more people as opposed to meeting "the One."
With apps, you also need to figure out where you are hoping to get to, signal clearly ahead of time, observe other people's signals, and, if in doubt, slow down, pull to the side, or stop.
"And much of what you think about [the person you meet online] is idealized--you fill in the blanks with what you want him to be. So you're creating this person. Online dating is very crowded. There are four people in it: two real, normal selves, and two virtual selves." - Mary Aiken
Speak on the phone: You also find out whether you can maintain a conversation on the phone, because if not, then you sure as hell can't over a cup of coffee or a drink. Have a list of light questions ready. [Talking on the phone] is not just about protecting your valuable time. It's about using your psychological detective skills to preserve your emotional energy. If you find yourself on a never-ending carousel of internet dates, something's not working and you need to hone your selection process.
"I've met with men with whom there was absolutely no chemistry, but because of those three filters [looks, writing test, speak on the phone], it was a perfectly pleasant first encounter as opposed to an awkward, embarrassing one, which none of us have time for." - Cindy Gallop [so set your own boundaries and feel confident moving towards setting up in person dates]
"I always felt very disempowered when it came to dating. It all came down to me not being able to make the first move." - Whitney Wolfe
"You'd be surprised by how many men want a confident woman who has her own voice." - Whitney Wolfe
Rule #5: Choose the right recipes for your dating type.
Apps are tools, but some are better suited for you, so choose well and wisely. Your profile is like your dating résumé. It is your chance to market yourself and put your best foot forward. It is the one space in the dating process where you can completely control the messaging. And while it might not be easy bragging about yourself, try to have a bit of fun with it.
The first step is always due diligence. Look at their profiles from the perspective of someone who is looking to date you, as well as them. Keep an eye out for the mix of photos, how detailed the bios are, the tone and overall vibe, and what feels most you. Take a look at the ones you like and the ones you don't - what do they have in common with each other? Use the ones you like as inspiration for the tonal mix of your profile.
Dating board of directors: a group of people you trust who have varying expertise and insights. People who know you best and genuinely have your best interests at heart. These people care about your happiness and you can use them as a sounding board or an occasional comforting shoulder. Email them and say, "Quick: give me the one line you would use to tell someone what you love about me." Use what they say to get your profile started and set the vibe. Keep in mind who and what you're trying to attract.
While you want your profile to be good, don't obsess over it! Get something out there. Done is better than perfect here. Get things going so you can see what works.
Photos: Show off what makes you unique. Keep your pictures current, anything older than five years is false advertising. Wear white.
Start working that online-dating muscle pronto - and stick with it!
When you feel a connection and see something you want, take steps toward it. Don't sit back and put your trust in the universe.
If you reach out first, you will need an opening line. It's easiest to have a go-to so you don't have to overthink it every time. Cook up your own signature line with room for personalization that will show your potential match that you gave their profile at least a cursory read.
"Hi there ___ love your photos. Tell me about the one you almost posted but nixed." The point is to get a conversation going and see if there's a click. Many of my friends say that after three or four exchanges, they switch to email or text. Do what feels comfortable for you.
It is so easy to fall into the trap of swiping and messaging and not actually acting on any possibilities. The journey from connecting online to meeting in person should not take more than a couple of weeks.
What should I wear? Something you feel confident, attractive, comfortable, and most important, you in. What should I do to impress him? Wrong question. If you're thinking about impressing him, you're not being yourself and, likely, you're not paying attention to what you actually think of him. ... You're there to see if you like him, not to win over a new conquest. Remember to check in with yourself mentally during the date to determine how hanging out with him is making you feel.
(When meeting just for drinks) If you're basically the heart-eyed emoji after an hour, don't cancel your imaginary dinner. Leave him wanting more (also, it wouldn't do to have him think you're a flake).
Go on dates! Have the fun. And really, just be in the moment.
It's polite to send a quick message the next day. DO: Keep it simple. A little inside joke inspired by your date is even better. DON'T: Stress out and rewrite your text a thousand times over. DO: There's no rule to following up. And if you live by such a rule, the odds are that the guy won't know anything about it, and you'll be playing a game by yourself. Text him at night or in the morning or not at all if you want him to take the lead. It's entirely up to you. DON'T: Force it if you don't feel it. Many second dates go on to be unexpected successes. But if you’re really not into a guy after the first date, there’s no obligation to make it work. You don’t owe each other anything. Move on. DO: Embrace your own desires. It’s scary sometimes to ask for what you want, but the odds of getting it if you do are just so much higher.
“Anyone who does not respect ‘No’ is someone who needs to control you.” - Steve Kardian
“A great guy is going to respect your boundaries, it’s non-neogtiable.”
Rule #6: You won't get skinny by eating the same old sh*t.
On days you don't feel like going to the gym, take the pressure off yourself by going with the small goal of only stretching. Lie down on a mat and start stretching. Often you'll be surprised that once you start-and are surrounded by others working out-you'll be motivated to hop on a treadmill or pick up a weight and then suddenly you're working out. The same goes for dating. It can feel like a massive, almost impossible effort to get yourself out there. But once you get into a rhythm, surrounded by others doing the same things, it gets easier. It's when dating feels high stakes that the fun gets drained out.
Go on dates where you have something right in front of you to discuss. You can make great friends out of it whom you may be able to introduce to others.
"Dating is not fun, but it will lead you to life's greatest prize. You have to make time for it."/ "All the data shows, the more you get to know someone, the more you like them and the more they like you." / "Forget about the chemistry-romantic love is like a seeping cat, it can be awakened anytime, and unless you give people a chance you will be forever looking." - Helen Fisher
Dating is the essential exercise part of your regimen. Turn it into something you do regularly. Schedule it. And try to have fun. It's easy to forget that the whole point of this endeavor is to bring joy to your life.
With so many options, "instead of being able to close on a potential mate, they get pickier and pickier about who that person should be." The brain experiences decision fatigue and in the end chooses none. Playing the field gives you "maximum freedom, but because you have so much freedom, you also feel that you have no control. You're trying to control the unpredictability of life. Life does not work like that." - Esther Perel
If you think you don't need to commit because you can always find another match, you won't focus on what can be hiding in plain sight. You have to give love a chance.
Doing something together will give you more opportunities to really get to know each other.
If the first dates sucks, give them another chance (unless you were absolutely disgusted). Love comes in all different forms. It can take time. It can even sneak up on you.
There isn't going to be a perfect relationship book out there because relationships and how to develop them are uniquely individual experiences. There will always be parts you disagree with, parts you think are downright silly, and then there will be pieces that resonate with you, stay with you, or make you think. One thing I really enjoyed from this book were the case studies. What a fun way to sum up a concept, by showing real life examples and presenting different people's experiences and thoughts, regardless of whether or not you agreed with what was being shared.
Below I am noting sections from the book that for some reason stood out to me. I will run out of room here so will continue my notes in the comments.
Foreword
This is a diet book for love. Food and love have so much in common. We have huge appetites for both. We can't live without them. But not all food is created equal, and neither is all love. Just as there is junk food, there is junk love.... both junk food and junk love require enormous amounts of willpower to resist.
This book will enable you to identify what you want in a relationship and when you want it. In order to do that, you have to turn inwards. This book is about finding yourself and cultivating your self-worth in order to find the right person to share yourself with.
Emotional calories [random hookups, scrolling instagram, comparing, etc.] use up your positive emotional energy that would be better expended elsewhere and are not leading you to find love.
Part One: Take Inventory
Rule #1: Establish your ideal love weight.
Forget about what anyone else wants for you. Think about what you want. We are constantly seeing ourselves through others' eyes. The phrase "looking-glass self" describes this phenomenon, in which we actually define ourselves by our interactions with others.
What’s your ideal love goal? I want to find _. My ideal partner has the following three qualities: _. Analyze what Parents/Best Friend/Siblings/Colleagues/Online Friends say they want for you and check it against what you want for yourself. Do their expectations for what you deserve in a partner align with what you want? If so, how are they the same? If not, how are they different?
Rule #2: Clear out your cupboards and sweep the fridge.
Once you decide what you want in a relationship, you must make an active plan to achieve it. Set realistic goals, stick to them, and monitor them. Studies prove that you retain more information by physically writing it down, pen on paper, than tapping it out on a keyboard.
The more you know about yourself and what you actually want, the closer you are to finding it.
It feels out of control and frustrating not knowing when a relationship might appear. If only we knew that in six months/two years we would meet someone, then we could relax and enjoy the lead-up to it.
Woman’s sexual prime is widely reported to range from your midtwenties to thirties.
Figuring out what you want and need in a partner at this very specific time in your life will help focus your search.
Young women are more confused than ever about love and relationships. Sex is widely available, sex without judgement too. Hooking up is easy, though many have told me that it's not as fulfilling as they expected.
Identify your triggers: What do you think has gotten in the way of finding love?
Start this quest by being honest and conscious of what you want; then ask yourself what gets in the way of it.
Rule #3: Begin a dating detox to reset your metabolism.
You likely have a relationship pattern that you need to examine in order to determine the right habits going forward. You need to admit your weaknesses and cravings--and single out your strengths, and moments of happiness, too.
Be honest about your past relationships and your role in it. It’s time to ask yourself why you are single.
Imagine what it would be like to go on a date with yourself. What image do you present to the world? Ask people you trust to kindly tell you what your strengths are and what you could work on doing better. You don't have to agree with them, but they may give you insight you can build on.
It's important to remember every person you have fallen for because you will likely see a pattern of the types of people you find attractive emerge.
Stop complaining about how dating sucks and start analyzing what is actually going on in your love life that makes it feel like it sucks.
There is so much talk of connecting these days yet such little trust in those connections.
Friends really do come and go throughout your life and friendships change as you develop. Friends can get jealous or insist they know what is best for you. They can even sabotage potential partners.
Part Two: Date. Rinse. Repeat.
Rule #4: The treadmill won't run on its own. Climb on and press Start.
A flirty text exchange might give you a quick dopamine high, but it's not a comparable substitute for meeting in person or picking up the phone and hearing someone's voice.
Dating apps: "These are not dating sites, these are introducing sites, the only good algorithm is your own brain." - Helen Fisher
The idea of love at first sight is deeply flawed. The truth is you can't possibly tell if someone is going to be a match in three seconds. This natural system of getting to know someone is being killed by anyone who expects to have instant romance on the first date.
Being so overly connected puts too much pressure on the hunt for this very specific person who will be the answer to your dreams. Use these apps to expand your real-life social network. Dating apps are best understood and used as introducing tools. They can introduce you to people who may introduce you to someone--maybe their best friend, brother, colleague, or cousin--who you decide is special. Their real power is in how they can create the possibility of meeting people already on the margins of your world whom you might otherwise miss connecting with because you aren't normally in the same place at the same time.
Instead of thinking, "How do I find a partner?" think, "How can I expand my connections? How can I create more possibilities in my life, whether for relationships or friendships?"
Reimagine dating apps as a way of meeting more people as opposed to meeting "the One."
With apps, you also need to figure out where you are hoping to get to, signal clearly ahead of time, observe other people's signals, and, if in doubt, slow down, pull to the side, or stop.
"And much of what you think about [the person you meet online] is idealized--you fill in the blanks with what you want him to be. So you're creating this person. Online dating is very crowded. There are four people in it: two real, normal selves, and two virtual selves." - Mary Aiken
Speak on the phone: You also find out whether you can maintain a conversation on the phone, because if not, then you sure as hell can't over a cup of coffee or a drink. Have a list of light questions ready. [Talking on the phone] is not just about protecting your valuable time. It's about using your psychological detective skills to preserve your emotional energy. If you find yourself on a never-ending carousel of internet dates, something's not working and you need to hone your selection process.
"I've met with men with whom there was absolutely no chemistry, but because of those three filters [looks, writing test, speak on the phone], it was a perfectly pleasant first encounter as opposed to an awkward, embarrassing one, which none of us have time for." - Cindy Gallop [so set your own boundaries and feel confident moving towards setting up in person dates]
"I always felt very disempowered when it came to dating. It all came down to me not being able to make the first move." - Whitney Wolfe
"You'd be surprised by how many men want a confident woman who has her own voice." - Whitney Wolfe
Rule #5: Choose the right recipes for your dating type.
Apps are tools, but some are better suited for you, so choose well and wisely. Your profile is like your dating résumé. It is your chance to market yourself and put your best foot forward. It is the one space in the dating process where you can completely control the messaging. And while it might not be easy bragging about yourself, try to have a bit of fun with it.
The first step is always due diligence. Look at their profiles from the perspective of someone who is looking to date you, as well as them. Keep an eye out for the mix of photos, how detailed the bios are, the tone and overall vibe, and what feels most you. Take a look at the ones you like and the ones you don't - what do they have in common with each other? Use the ones you like as inspiration for the tonal mix of your profile.
Dating board of directors: a group of people you trust who have varying expertise and insights. People who know you best and genuinely have your best interests at heart. These people care about your happiness and you can use them as a sounding board or an occasional comforting shoulder. Email them and say, "Quick: give me the one line you would use to tell someone what you love about me." Use what they say to get your profile started and set the vibe. Keep in mind who and what you're trying to attract.
While you want your profile to be good, don't obsess over it! Get something out there. Done is better than perfect here. Get things going so you can see what works.
Photos: Show off what makes you unique. Keep your pictures current, anything older than five years is false advertising. Wear white.
Start working that online-dating muscle pronto - and stick with it!
When you feel a connection and see something you want, take steps toward it. Don't sit back and put your trust in the universe.
If you reach out first, you will need an opening line. It's easiest to have a go-to so you don't have to overthink it every time. Cook up your own signature line with room for personalization that will show your potential match that you gave their profile at least a cursory read.
"Hi there ___ love your photos. Tell me about the one you almost posted but nixed." The point is to get a conversation going and see if there's a click. Many of my friends say that after three or four exchanges, they switch to email or text. Do what feels comfortable for you.
It is so easy to fall into the trap of swiping and messaging and not actually acting on any possibilities. The journey from connecting online to meeting in person should not take more than a couple of weeks.
What should I wear? Something you feel confident, attractive, comfortable, and most important, you in. What should I do to impress him? Wrong question. If you're thinking about impressing him, you're not being yourself and, likely, you're not paying attention to what you actually think of him. ... You're there to see if you like him, not to win over a new conquest. Remember to check in with yourself mentally during the date to determine how hanging out with him is making you feel.
(When meeting just for drinks) If you're basically the heart-eyed emoji after an hour, don't cancel your imaginary dinner. Leave him wanting more (also, it wouldn't do to have him think you're a flake).
Go on dates! Have the fun. And really, just be in the moment.
It's polite to send a quick message the next day. DO: Keep it simple. A little inside joke inspired by your date is even better. DON'T: Stress out and rewrite your text a thousand times over. DO: There's no rule to following up. And if you live by such a rule, the odds are that the guy won't know anything about it, and you'll be playing a game by yourself. Text him at night or in the morning or not at all if you want him to take the lead. It's entirely up to you. DON'T: Force it if you don't feel it. Many second dates go on to be unexpected successes. But if you’re really not into a guy after the first date, there’s no obligation to make it work. You don’t owe each other anything. Move on. DO: Embrace your own desires. It’s scary sometimes to ask for what you want, but the odds of getting it if you do are just so much higher.
“Anyone who does not respect ‘No’ is someone who needs to control you.” - Steve Kardian
“A great guy is going to respect your boundaries, it’s non-neogtiable.”
Rule #6: You won't get skinny by eating the same old sh*t.
On days you don't feel like going to the gym, take the pressure off yourself by going with the small goal of only stretching. Lie down on a mat and start stretching. Often you'll be surprised that once you start-and are surrounded by others working out-you'll be motivated to hop on a treadmill or pick up a weight and then suddenly you're working out. The same goes for dating. It can feel like a massive, almost impossible effort to get yourself out there. But once you get into a rhythm, surrounded by others doing the same things, it gets easier. It's when dating feels high stakes that the fun gets drained out.
Go on dates where you have something right in front of you to discuss. You can make great friends out of it whom you may be able to introduce to others.
"Dating is not fun, but it will lead you to life's greatest prize. You have to make time for it."/ "All the data shows, the more you get to know someone, the more you like them and the more they like you." / "Forget about the chemistry-romantic love is like a seeping cat, it can be awakened anytime, and unless you give people a chance you will be forever looking." - Helen Fisher
Dating is the essential exercise part of your regimen. Turn it into something you do regularly. Schedule it. And try to have fun. It's easy to forget that the whole point of this endeavor is to bring joy to your life.
With so many options, "instead of being able to close on a potential mate, they get pickier and pickier about who that person should be." The brain experiences decision fatigue and in the end chooses none. Playing the field gives you "maximum freedom, but because you have so much freedom, you also feel that you have no control. You're trying to control the unpredictability of life. Life does not work like that." - Esther Perel
If you think you don't need to commit because you can always find another match, you won't focus on what can be hiding in plain sight. You have to give love a chance.
Doing something together will give you more opportunities to really get to know each other.
If the first dates sucks, give them another chance (unless you were absolutely disgusted). Love comes in all different forms. It can take time. It can even sneak up on you.
March 19, 2018
Let's just admit it: dating sucks. Dating used to be fun and the expectations were lower.
But the rules keep changing.
Now there's Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, and a whole host of other social networks that forced us to "up our game" but in a negative way: we were all faking being fabulous. So how do we find real connection again in a digital world?
You start by reading this book. "Love Rules" presents 15 rules in relation to a "food diet" so it's easier to digest (see what I did there? I'm PERFECT dating material). In today's world it seems respect has gone out the window in favor of fast hookups, easygoing thoughts toward intimate relationships, and no strings attached. What Coles finds, however, is that both men and women are looking for something more; once the sun shines where those blurry stars once were it's not as easy to find the romance we were actually looking for.
So we have to have rules. Sorry, people, that's just the way it goes and I think clearly the first rule as Cole reinforces over and over again is to define what you want. So you meet somebody- great - but you want a real, long-term relationship and maybe they don't. That doesn't make them a bad person, that just makes them the wrong one and you're wasting your time.
Because the truth of the matter is we all want to fall in love, I don't care how many "hook-up" fantasies Hollywood churns out, we're all waiting for the one. Maybe that's just me; if you ever watched "Sex and the City" there's a quiz to find out which character you are in the book and, of course, I'm Charlotte - always optimistic that "the one" is out there and then finding that "perfect" doesn't exist.
The book doesn't encourage you to settle, it encourages you to keep at relationships. The idea of "the one" is damaging because we let go of potential suitors after one or two dates because of something we can't get over (maybe they are a smoker - which is kind of deal breaker for me - but would they quit smoking? Have they considered stopping smoking? We wouldn't know unless we got to know them better and clearly defined our barriers. For example, pets. I'm a cat person, you're a dog person, we can make it work, it's not that big a deal. But it might be to the person sitting across from you on a date...with the dog...and a dislike for cats).
Anyone who's got dating on their radar should pick up this book. I carried an early copy around with me for weeks trying to evaluate my own dating behavior and any book that has you asking questions about yourself is a good one.
Coles isn't just someone writing love and dating advice for the sake of it either - she was Editor-In-Chief of both Marie Claire and Cosmo and has heard it all. And while the book is aimed at women, as a man I found plenty to relate to and Cole encourages you as a reader to change pronouns as you wish.
Don't get scared, don't settle, and don't follow the critics.
Get this book and find out what it takes to make a real relationship in this digital age work and we're certain to find "the one".
Out April 10th from Harper.
But the rules keep changing.
Now there's Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, and a whole host of other social networks that forced us to "up our game" but in a negative way: we were all faking being fabulous. So how do we find real connection again in a digital world?
You start by reading this book. "Love Rules" presents 15 rules in relation to a "food diet" so it's easier to digest (see what I did there? I'm PERFECT dating material). In today's world it seems respect has gone out the window in favor of fast hookups, easygoing thoughts toward intimate relationships, and no strings attached. What Coles finds, however, is that both men and women are looking for something more; once the sun shines where those blurry stars once were it's not as easy to find the romance we were actually looking for.
So we have to have rules. Sorry, people, that's just the way it goes and I think clearly the first rule as Cole reinforces over and over again is to define what you want. So you meet somebody- great - but you want a real, long-term relationship and maybe they don't. That doesn't make them a bad person, that just makes them the wrong one and you're wasting your time.
Because the truth of the matter is we all want to fall in love, I don't care how many "hook-up" fantasies Hollywood churns out, we're all waiting for the one. Maybe that's just me; if you ever watched "Sex and the City" there's a quiz to find out which character you are in the book and, of course, I'm Charlotte - always optimistic that "the one" is out there and then finding that "perfect" doesn't exist.
The book doesn't encourage you to settle, it encourages you to keep at relationships. The idea of "the one" is damaging because we let go of potential suitors after one or two dates because of something we can't get over (maybe they are a smoker - which is kind of deal breaker for me - but would they quit smoking? Have they considered stopping smoking? We wouldn't know unless we got to know them better and clearly defined our barriers. For example, pets. I'm a cat person, you're a dog person, we can make it work, it's not that big a deal. But it might be to the person sitting across from you on a date...with the dog...and a dislike for cats).
Anyone who's got dating on their radar should pick up this book. I carried an early copy around with me for weeks trying to evaluate my own dating behavior and any book that has you asking questions about yourself is a good one.
Coles isn't just someone writing love and dating advice for the sake of it either - she was Editor-In-Chief of both Marie Claire and Cosmo and has heard it all. And while the book is aimed at women, as a man I found plenty to relate to and Cole encourages you as a reader to change pronouns as you wish.
Don't get scared, don't settle, and don't follow the critics.
Get this book and find out what it takes to make a real relationship in this digital age work and we're certain to find "the one".
Out April 10th from Harper.
November 27, 2018
I saw this book at the library and instantly and compulsively picked it up because, well, I'll admit I've been needing exactly that advice. However, the biggest issue I found about this book, for me at least, is though while Joanna implies that this advice applies to both men and women, the advice very much strikes me as being women-centric. The advice mostly seems to apply to women who are having trouble finding "Mr. Right" on social media dating sites and not necessarily for people who are having issues trying to grab interest with their profiles (like me, where I live in an area where men's profiles greatly outnumber women and apparently you need to really not suck to get any successful interest). So I feel it's good for some people but not necessarily for others.
Also I want to say that as someone who not only considers himself (themself) a feminist but also trans-questioning, I just want to add that I think Joanna's Freeform series The Bold Type has some really, *really* weird attitudes about sex and sexual experimentation especially. Not just in terms of same-sex relationships (although I do find the portrayal of that problematic, especially in carrying on the proud TV tradition of "instant lesbians") but in really having the exact same attitudes and pushing of crazy-experimentation (and potentially physically dangerous) sex that Joanna complains Cosmo, internet porn and other sources are pushing, complaints she makes in this very book (though given that The Bold Type is about Cosmo I guess that's the point but still).
Also I want to say that as someone who not only considers himself (themself) a feminist but also trans-questioning, I just want to add that I think Joanna's Freeform series The Bold Type has some really, *really* weird attitudes about sex and sexual experimentation especially. Not just in terms of same-sex relationships (although I do find the portrayal of that problematic, especially in carrying on the proud TV tradition of "instant lesbians") but in really having the exact same attitudes and pushing of crazy-experimentation (and potentially physically dangerous) sex that Joanna complains Cosmo, internet porn and other sources are pushing, complaints she makes in this very book (though given that The Bold Type is about Cosmo I guess that's the point but still).
November 12, 2018
Another library find, this book attracted me because I am interested in the phenomenon of digital relationships. The author frames her 15 rules around the analogy of one's relationship to food and how to successfully go on a diet. For the most part that works.
I would categorize this in the self help genre, complete with its one rule per chapter format, its exemplary tales of pseudonymous women and their experiences navigating the quest for love, and its injunctions to open a journal and start responding to questions about yourself ... what makes you happy? what are you looking for? when was the last time ... ? etc.
Women between the ages of 25 and 45 might find some helpful ideas here, but I was looking for something a bit more academic. I will say that the final rule/chapter did resonate with me. "Life is a feast. Take your place at the table." That's always good advice, and the book ends on a very solid and inspiring note. "Love someone who knows you are special and loves you back."
I would categorize this in the self help genre, complete with its one rule per chapter format, its exemplary tales of pseudonymous women and their experiences navigating the quest for love, and its injunctions to open a journal and start responding to questions about yourself ... what makes you happy? what are you looking for? when was the last time ... ? etc.
Women between the ages of 25 and 45 might find some helpful ideas here, but I was looking for something a bit more academic. I will say that the final rule/chapter did resonate with me. "Life is a feast. Take your place at the table." That's always good advice, and the book ends on a very solid and inspiring note. "Love someone who knows you are special and loves you back."
October 14, 2018
Only the first 5 chapters were helpful, everything after that was fluff. By the way, chapter 14 was all about my ticking biological clock. Gee, that's exactly what I needed to be reminded of.
Only giving 3 stars because the first 5 chapters are really intense and will make you think and reflect on your past in ways you never would otherwise. Though like all dating books, this one continued to make me feel bad about myself and I hated how the author tries to make the book apply to everyone, but only references business owning women, CEOs, or ladies in marketing. No average woman. Plus, a lot of the book seems to be reflected towards the 40+ crowd which I felt should have been made into its own book, 'Love Rules: After 40'
Only giving 3 stars because the first 5 chapters are really intense and will make you think and reflect on your past in ways you never would otherwise. Though like all dating books, this one continued to make me feel bad about myself and I hated how the author tries to make the book apply to everyone, but only references business owning women, CEOs, or ladies in marketing. No average woman. Plus, a lot of the book seems to be reflected towards the 40+ crowd which I felt should have been made into its own book, 'Love Rules: After 40'
May 9, 2018
I don't think I'm the intended audience for this book. It makes a lot of claims fairly early and then ends up being the opposite? It's marketed toward women and awkwardly tries to add the male perspective in a few "chapters". It also says how to rise above the hook-up culture and find a true relationship although many of the tips offered were how to survive in a hook-up culture...which is fine but that's not what the book claims to be/do. I did like the spin of this self-help book on dating in the digital world took on the formula of a dieting book. I didn't fit the picture they painted however and other than app recommendations...I didn't glean too much information from this one.
May 14, 2018
Garbage. Relates dating to dieting consistently throughout the book. This woman is clearly very hungry and probably has an eating disorder from her years in fashion.
Throughout says not to settle, and then the end is all about being older and single, where she suggests looking for Mr Right Now is acceptable as 40-50% of marriage end in divorce anyway. You can always dispose of this person and get a new/different model of it doesn't work out the first, second, third, + time.
Throughout says not to settle, and then the end is all about being older and single, where she suggests looking for Mr Right Now is acceptable as 40-50% of marriage end in divorce anyway. You can always dispose of this person and get a new/different model of it doesn't work out the first, second, third, + time.
October 4, 2018
This book was insightful. Although most was common sense, it was nice to hear we have so much in common with other human beings. I challenge myself to speak more to strangers and simply feel that good ole fashion experience called connection, I miss that. One thing I didn’t enjoy as much was the chapters about infertility etc, it was a bit depressing, maybe less of that would’ve pushed my review towards 4 stars. Overall, simple and easy flow read. Worth checking out.
June 25, 2018
This book had great advice on taking an introspective look at your relationship patterns. I love the journaling prompts included. I thought the chapter on alcohol and dating was extremely informative, and good to know the tips to get out of an uncomfortable date or sexual situation you don't want to be in by saying you feel sick and like you're going to throw up.
November 30, 2021
Powerfully written, exposing the too often distasteful and even dangerous experiences of dating, this is a book every woman should read in today's digital relationship world.
May 14, 2018
I honestly wanted to rate this book a 3/5 stars and that’s probably where the content hovers - especially in the naming of the “Parts” of the book and “Rules” for each chapter. The author seems to be a smart yet ignorant woman at the same time or is leaving the thinking to the reader to form his/her own conclusions. However, it’s written rather pleasantly, even though directed towards women and was enjoyable to read nonetheless on a desirable and popular topic.
These dating websites that the author presents (Tinder, Happn, Bumble, Match.Com, Coffee & Bagel, etc.) are mostly run by women. When I tried one of the more popular sites, Match.Com, there was no feast of DATES to be had after spending considerable time putting up an online profile and messaging women I found attractive. With 80% of them, I rarely received a response.
To be honest, it seems rather pathetic to have to resort to the digital space for a date when meeting in person when two people connect with a “flirtatious smile” seems more appealing. Most of the women you do get a date with on online dating websites will easily take you for a meal ticket or drink only to discard you rather quickly with a comment like “No connection!” My conclusion from the book is that the women on these sites who have no shortage of self-confidence, should be paying for the date themselves for the pure fact that there are more career options available for them in this rather hostile world.
There’s a story presented by the author as a Case Study about a girl named Ana who uses sites like Craigslist to find a place in New York, where she is relocating, only to enter a relationship where she becomes battered and raped. Does this actually happen? What’s the prevalence of this, really? I think there’s some feminist corruption with these statistics to protect and shelter women. In my experiences, it’s the guy that gets verbally abused and bullied by the girl and I use the world “girl” here in a liberal sense because it’s hard to find a true LADY. It seems like these women are encouraged to be sexually promiscuous to find as successful a man as they can - an MBAer from Wharton in Ana’s example.
There are more case studies presented here of single women traveling abroad to Italy to find a winemaker in the hills of Tuscany. What happens in these marriages? Does the winemaker end up dumping this woman for being a status whore so she can remain popular with all her attractive friends?
There’s also talk about a woman’s eggs diminishing after her fertility peak age of twenty-six. While this may very well be true, there are options such as freezing the eggs and IVF which allow women to successfully have a child much later. I wonder how many females actually do this, think to do this and have the financial means to do so? What’s the significance with this now and is it only foolproof with people that possess celebrity? Think sports figures like Rob Gronkowski and Tom Brady for instance.
I’m not sure what to conclude from this book other than pondering over the main title that’s presented in ALL CAPS. I think of LOVE as an emotion controlled by women to make a large subset of men powerless in a sort of “wicked popularity game.” It’s a rather controversial emotion in today’s day and age.
This book is geared towards women but all men should have a read to help them step back and analyze their specific relationships and whether the girl they’re with will make the world a much better place.
These dating websites that the author presents (Tinder, Happn, Bumble, Match.Com, Coffee & Bagel, etc.) are mostly run by women. When I tried one of the more popular sites, Match.Com, there was no feast of DATES to be had after spending considerable time putting up an online profile and messaging women I found attractive. With 80% of them, I rarely received a response.
To be honest, it seems rather pathetic to have to resort to the digital space for a date when meeting in person when two people connect with a “flirtatious smile” seems more appealing. Most of the women you do get a date with on online dating websites will easily take you for a meal ticket or drink only to discard you rather quickly with a comment like “No connection!” My conclusion from the book is that the women on these sites who have no shortage of self-confidence, should be paying for the date themselves for the pure fact that there are more career options available for them in this rather hostile world.
There’s a story presented by the author as a Case Study about a girl named Ana who uses sites like Craigslist to find a place in New York, where she is relocating, only to enter a relationship where she becomes battered and raped. Does this actually happen? What’s the prevalence of this, really? I think there’s some feminist corruption with these statistics to protect and shelter women. In my experiences, it’s the guy that gets verbally abused and bullied by the girl and I use the world “girl” here in a liberal sense because it’s hard to find a true LADY. It seems like these women are encouraged to be sexually promiscuous to find as successful a man as they can - an MBAer from Wharton in Ana’s example.
There are more case studies presented here of single women traveling abroad to Italy to find a winemaker in the hills of Tuscany. What happens in these marriages? Does the winemaker end up dumping this woman for being a status whore so she can remain popular with all her attractive friends?
There’s also talk about a woman’s eggs diminishing after her fertility peak age of twenty-six. While this may very well be true, there are options such as freezing the eggs and IVF which allow women to successfully have a child much later. I wonder how many females actually do this, think to do this and have the financial means to do so? What’s the significance with this now and is it only foolproof with people that possess celebrity? Think sports figures like Rob Gronkowski and Tom Brady for instance.
I’m not sure what to conclude from this book other than pondering over the main title that’s presented in ALL CAPS. I think of LOVE as an emotion controlled by women to make a large subset of men powerless in a sort of “wicked popularity game.” It’s a rather controversial emotion in today’s day and age.
This book is geared towards women but all men should have a read to help them step back and analyze their specific relationships and whether the girl they’re with will make the world a much better place.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 9, 2024
Not great. In fact, highly problematic with how it keeps comparing dating to dieting to an almost obsessive point and how it assumes the only way to live a life is in love without reassurance that life can be fulfilling without love too. I'm pretty sure it even directly quotes "Love is the most fulfilling journey a person (woman) can take" which is.....an opinion, for sure.
I did find the chapter about vetting your friends' opinions about new relationships mildly interesting because it seems like the default advice is usually "always trust your friends no matter what" when this book takes the stance of "actually your friends' opinions might suck sometimes" which was refreshing. The last chapter was also good, but it negates the majority of the book so I'm conflicted about how much I want to enjoy it.
At least it reads like one long Cosmo article so it's an easy enough read to breeze through if you need a shallow perspective on love and dating with basic relationship advice that can be found for free on any given "Top 8 reasons why you can't find love" blog post/Instagram reel.
I did find the chapter about vetting your friends' opinions about new relationships mildly interesting because it seems like the default advice is usually "always trust your friends no matter what" when this book takes the stance of "actually your friends' opinions might suck sometimes" which was refreshing. The last chapter was also good, but it negates the majority of the book so I'm conflicted about how much I want to enjoy it.
At least it reads like one long Cosmo article so it's an easy enough read to breeze through if you need a shallow perspective on love and dating with basic relationship advice that can be found for free on any given "Top 8 reasons why you can't find love" blog post/Instagram reel.
April 22, 2019
A clear and concise guide to dating in today’s world. This book isn’t so much about online dating, but more about clearing your head and concentrating your search on what you really want. The author has an interesting analogy between food and relationships; ie healthy/unhealthy; that some people may find annoying, but I found tied all the rules together in a memorable theme. She offers solid guidelines on focused, productive and healthy dating in a complicated world.
August 23, 2019
I enjoyed this book. Every young adult woman should read it whether she's single or in a relationship, in my opinion. It teaches you about healthy relationships, gives you a guide on how to start dating again, and makes sure you're being safe through the entire process. It's packed with real-life examples and practical advice. I would highly recommend it to any woman in a relationship or wanting one.
June 4, 2018
Silly and brainless, but just what I’m sure some people need. I think Joanna Coles is such an interesting person! Easy and companionable tone. (Can’t temember why I put this on hold at the library! Quick read though.) *update: moved this to a two star rating! If things are placed on the same scale, this is definitely only deserving of two stars.
May 16, 2023
I actually liked this and it’s enjoyable. I like how the author keeps referencing foods. Relatable for someone who has been on healthy eating lifestyles for the past 7 years.
Some might not agree, but I think the author is on the right track to reference food and diet as it’s easier to understand, and applicable!
Some might not agree, but I think the author is on the right track to reference food and diet as it’s easier to understand, and applicable!
February 27, 2018
This is a Goodreads win review. Thank goodness I am happily married. I would just looking for someone in this age. Social media dating sites are plentiful but they terrify me. This author gives tips to find a worthwhile person.
April 30, 2018
Just like many a relationship, started strong and interesting, but fizzled out quickly. The novelty of the food/diet analogy made me think this was going to be good. But alas, it was you, not me. Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari was way better.
December 29, 2019
It was probably unfortunate timing that I read this at the same time that I was reading a great book about how diets are counterproductive scams. Having said that, I find the metaphor between dieting and the advice in this book to be accurate.
January 31, 2022
It was aight. Felt like most of the things were common sense, but I will acknowledge that it was written for a female audience, and since I’m a male, a lot of these things probably didn’t resonate with me the same way they might have with a woman.
February 15, 2022
Not very helpful for men. Assumes the reader is a modern urban professional woman with a bevy of options who needs help filtering. Too bad it feels like a shout into the void. Interesting to see things from the other side, though.
May 20, 2018
The book didn't really ring true for me. My neurosis are apparently elsewhere.
August 21, 2018
I think the knocks on the food metaphor. I read this book to understand my kids' generation. I found this book helpful.
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