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Parenting: 14 Gospel Principles That Can Radically Change Your Family
Sometimes parents wish there was a guaranteed formula for raising good kids--a certain list of rules to follow to ensure they'd have obedient children. But if moms and dads view their role through the lens of God's grace, they will see that the gospel must first shape how they parent before they can effectively shape their children. In this highly practical book, Paul David Tripp unfolds a more biblical perspective on parenting than merely adhering to a list of rules. He lays out fourteen gospel-centered principles that will radically change the way parents think about what it means to raise up a child, informing everything they do as a parent.
7 pages, Audiobook
First published October 1, 2016
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15469 people want to read
About the author
Paul David Tripp
128 books1,434 followersPaul was born in Toledo, Ohio to Bob and Fae Tripp on November 12, 1950. Paul spent all of his growing years in Toledo until his college years when his parents moved to Southern California.
At Columbia Bible College from 1968-1972, (now Columbia International University) Paul majored in Bible and Christian Education. Although he had planned to be there for only two years and then to study journalism, Paul more and more felt like there was so much of the theology of Scripture that he did not understand, so he decided to go to seminary. Paul met Luella Jackson at College and they married in 1971. In 1971, Paul took his first pastoral position and has had a heart for the local church ever since. After college, Paul completed his Master of Divinity degree at the Reformed Episcopal Seminary (now known as Philadelphia Theological Seminary) in Philadelphia (1972-1975). It was during these days that Paul’s commitment to ministry solidified. After seminary, Paul was involved in planting a church in Scranton, Pennsylvania (1977-1987) where he also founded a Christian School. During the years in Scranton, Paul became involved in music, traveling with a band and writing worship songs. In Scranton, Paul became interested in biblical counseling and decided to enroll in the D.Min program in Biblical Counseling at Westminster Theological Seminary, Philadelphia. Paul then became a faculty member of the Christian Counseling and Education Foundation (CCEF) and a lecturer in biblical counseling at Westminster Theological Seminary, Philadelphia. Paul has also served as Visiting Professor at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Kentucky.
In 2009, Paul joined the faculty of Redeemer Seminary (daughter school of Westminster) in Dallas, Texas as Professor of Pastoral Life and Care.[1]
Beginning in June, 2006, Paul became the President of Paul Tripp Ministries, a non-profit organization, whose mission statement is "Connecting the transforming power of Jesus Christ to everyday life." In addition to his current role as President of Paul Tripp Ministries, on January 1, 2007, Paul also became part of the pastoral staff at Tenth Presbyterian Church in Philadelphia, PA where he preached every Sunday evening and lead the Ministry to Center City through March, 2011 when he resigned due to the expanding time commitments needed at Paul Tripp Ministries.
Paul, Luella, and their four children moved to Philadelphia in 1987 and have lived there ever since. Paul is a prolific author and has written twelve books on Christian living which are sold internationally. Luella manages a large commercial art gallery in the city and Paul is very dedicated to painting as an avocation.[2] Paul’s driving passion is to help people understand how the gospel of the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ really does speak with practical hope into all the things they will face in this broken world. Paul is a pastor with a pastor’s heart, a gifted speaker, his journey taking him all over the world, an author of numerous books on practical Christian living, and a man who is hopelessly in love with Luella.
At Columbia Bible College from 1968-1972, (now Columbia International University) Paul majored in Bible and Christian Education. Although he had planned to be there for only two years and then to study journalism, Paul more and more felt like there was so much of the theology of Scripture that he did not understand, so he decided to go to seminary. Paul met Luella Jackson at College and they married in 1971. In 1971, Paul took his first pastoral position and has had a heart for the local church ever since. After college, Paul completed his Master of Divinity degree at the Reformed Episcopal Seminary (now known as Philadelphia Theological Seminary) in Philadelphia (1972-1975). It was during these days that Paul’s commitment to ministry solidified. After seminary, Paul was involved in planting a church in Scranton, Pennsylvania (1977-1987) where he also founded a Christian School. During the years in Scranton, Paul became involved in music, traveling with a band and writing worship songs. In Scranton, Paul became interested in biblical counseling and decided to enroll in the D.Min program in Biblical Counseling at Westminster Theological Seminary, Philadelphia. Paul then became a faculty member of the Christian Counseling and Education Foundation (CCEF) and a lecturer in biblical counseling at Westminster Theological Seminary, Philadelphia. Paul has also served as Visiting Professor at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Kentucky.
In 2009, Paul joined the faculty of Redeemer Seminary (daughter school of Westminster) in Dallas, Texas as Professor of Pastoral Life and Care.[1]
Beginning in June, 2006, Paul became the President of Paul Tripp Ministries, a non-profit organization, whose mission statement is "Connecting the transforming power of Jesus Christ to everyday life." In addition to his current role as President of Paul Tripp Ministries, on January 1, 2007, Paul also became part of the pastoral staff at Tenth Presbyterian Church in Philadelphia, PA where he preached every Sunday evening and lead the Ministry to Center City through March, 2011 when he resigned due to the expanding time commitments needed at Paul Tripp Ministries.
Paul, Luella, and their four children moved to Philadelphia in 1987 and have lived there ever since. Paul is a prolific author and has written twelve books on Christian living which are sold internationally. Luella manages a large commercial art gallery in the city and Paul is very dedicated to painting as an avocation.[2] Paul’s driving passion is to help people understand how the gospel of the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ really does speak with practical hope into all the things they will face in this broken world. Paul is a pastor with a pastor’s heart, a gifted speaker, his journey taking him all over the world, an author of numerous books on practical Christian living, and a man who is hopelessly in love with Luella.
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April 25, 2017
I think this one will live on my nightstand. It has such truth and encouragement. The last page sums it up well: "In every moment of parenting, the wise Heavenly Father is working on everybody in the room."
February 17, 2025
One of the best parenting books I've read; maybe the best. Tripp explains how to deal with the heart issues that cause a child's misbehavior, because only a change of heart can lead to true, lasting behavior change. Tripp emphasizes how we must bring the Gospel into our parenting; to go beyond enforcing our authority and point to God's authority, and beyond that to His grace. There are hypothetical and actual examples to illustrate the principles.
Tripp comforts parents by telling us that our job isn't to change our child's behavior or beliefs, only to be God's instrument in caring for them as He transforms them. We expose what's bad, point to what's good, and talk about Jesus Who can lead them from bad to good. Successful parenting isn't about results; it's about being faithful to our mission.
I needed to hear that we should not feel frustrated, overwhelmed, or discouraged by frequent bad behavior, but should treat discipline as a moment to serve in grace, realizing that we too are sinners who need grace.
I would've liked more practical instruction (if your child does X, you do Y), but Tripp says at the beginning it's not a practical book, but is meant to reorient your view of, and approach to, parenting, to be more biblical.
Notes
Introduction: Ambassadors
"What is missing in most Christian parents' parenting are the big grand perspectives and principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ."
Be an ambassador to your kids, not an owner of them. Parenting is not primarily about what we do for our kids or want from them, but about what God plans to do through us in our kids.
Don't try to get your identity, meaning, purpose, sense of well-being from your kids; get them from God.
Your work isn't to turn your children into something. It's to be God's instrument in caring for them as He transforms them. Be motivated not by your vision of what you want kids to be, but what God's grace could cause them to be.
Success in parenting isn't based on your kids' achievements, but on your being a useful and faithful tool in God's hands.
Don't base your reputation on your kids' behavior; accept the embarrassment and messiness of parenting, and focus on being a tool in God's hands.
Calling
Connect everything you require of kids in behavior or belief to story of redemption. Teach kids about loving Redeemer who died so they could do what's right. Don't only talk of God as judge, but as helper and friend who helps us in our weakness with mercy, patience, love. Go beyond enforcing your authority and point to His authority, and beyond that to His grace.
When you humbly admit you desperately need grace, you'll be more willing to give grace to your kids.
Grace
God doesn't call you to parent without giving you what you need to do it, and He is with you in it.
God doesn't call people to be parents because they are able. He hasn't designed us to be independently able, but to be dependent on Him. God often calls unable people to do important things not for their own success, but so they'll know and love Him, and so He'll get the glory, not them (e.g., Abraham, Moses, Gideon, David, Jesus' disciples).
Parents who think they're able tend to be proud, self-assured, impatient, quick to judge.
Instead of parenting in self-righteous outrage, recognize that you're a sinner in need of grace parenting a sinner in need of grace.
You're the biggest problem in your parenting. Your kids don't cause you to do and say negative things; your heart is the cause. Confess that and seek transforming grace.
Law
We tend to parent based on what we want for ourselves rather than what God wants for and from our kids.
Don't expect rules to change child's heart and life; only grace can do that.
Inability
Don't try to make kid feel guilt toward you; instead, help them see their guilt toward God, which helps them evaluate their hearts, confess sin, and reach out for help.
Identity
Don't spend more time disciplining children for breaking God's law then you do telling them about Jesus, who perfectly kept law on their behalf.
Process
Parenting that reacts to kids tends to be emotional, viewing moments as interruptions and hassles. Instead, view parenting as a project full of God-given opportunities.
"Parenting is not a series of dramatic confrontation-confession events, but rather a life-long process of incremental awareness and progressive change."
Lost
You're not just dealing with child's behaviors, you're dealing with their condition. That's why you must deal with same issues repeatedly.
Children need compassion, understanding, patience, acceptance, forgiveness, grace more than criticism, judgment, condemnation, punishment (although they need authority, rules, enforcement, accountability).
Don't settle for winning the battle over the behavior; fight for heart behind the behavior.
Move toward children with grace of forgiveness, wisdom, correction, rescue; don't give way to irritation, frustration, impatience, discouragement.
Authority
Your authority should represent God's authority. Never exercise authority in sinfully angry, impatient, abusive, selfish, condemning way. Doing show is rebelling against God. Exercise authority as God does, in a beautiful, wise, patient, guiding, protective, rescuing, forgiving way.
Foolishness
When discipling, talk to child about her heart. Ask questions, tell stories, give illustrations to get child to step out of herself, quit defending herself, and examine her heart. Holy Spirit can use these moments to impart self-knowledge, sense of wrong, responsibility, desire to change.
Discipline is more about grace than law, so don't threaten, manipulate, or guilt.
Don't be mad when you have to discipline. God is giving you an opportunity to be part of His rescue of them. Patiently enforce the rules, but also talk about how beautiful, protective, practical, helpful, good God's wisdom is.
Character
When you recognize that you need to be parented by God, you won't resent needing to parent your kids.
Help children understand when their behavior is motivated by self-worship (idolatry) rather than God-worship. What rules the heart controls the behavior.
False Gods
You must understand child at heart level and work to be instrument of heart change.
Don't confess for kids, threaten, instill guilt, call names, condemn, compare kids to others, raise your voice, speak harshly, slap, or push. These shift their focus from their own hearts to you.
Don't be a prosecutor building a case against kids; desire that they experience God's rescuing, transforming grace. Replace "Do this and you'll get this" with "You need help, and I'm here to help."
Rest
"The most important thing you do for your children is to remember the One who sent you, and … teach your heart to rest." Meditate on God, not the struggle, to avoid feeling overwhelmed, defeated, guilty.
God exposes your weaknesses so you'll run to Him and grow in confidence of His presence, power, provision. 2 Cor 12:9.
Success is about faithfulness (do good towards children every day), not results.
Mercy
God calls us to be 1st responders to our children. 1st responders don't lecture, judge, condemn, but provide, rescue, protect, help, heal. They don't take others' needs personally, and don't get mad at interruptions.
Help child see the heart behind their behavior. Ask what they were thinking, feeling, wanting, seeking to accomplish. This helps them grow in heart awareness.
You aren't called to change child's behavior or beliefs, only to expose what's bad, point to what's good, and talk about Jesus Who can lead them from bad to good.
Tripp comforts parents by telling us that our job isn't to change our child's behavior or beliefs, only to be God's instrument in caring for them as He transforms them. We expose what's bad, point to what's good, and talk about Jesus Who can lead them from bad to good. Successful parenting isn't about results; it's about being faithful to our mission.
I needed to hear that we should not feel frustrated, overwhelmed, or discouraged by frequent bad behavior, but should treat discipline as a moment to serve in grace, realizing that we too are sinners who need grace.
I would've liked more practical instruction (if your child does X, you do Y), but Tripp says at the beginning it's not a practical book, but is meant to reorient your view of, and approach to, parenting, to be more biblical.
Notes
Introduction: Ambassadors
"What is missing in most Christian parents' parenting are the big grand perspectives and principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ."
Be an ambassador to your kids, not an owner of them. Parenting is not primarily about what we do for our kids or want from them, but about what God plans to do through us in our kids.
Don't try to get your identity, meaning, purpose, sense of well-being from your kids; get them from God.
Your work isn't to turn your children into something. It's to be God's instrument in caring for them as He transforms them. Be motivated not by your vision of what you want kids to be, but what God's grace could cause them to be.
Success in parenting isn't based on your kids' achievements, but on your being a useful and faithful tool in God's hands.
Don't base your reputation on your kids' behavior; accept the embarrassment and messiness of parenting, and focus on being a tool in God's hands.
Calling
Connect everything you require of kids in behavior or belief to story of redemption. Teach kids about loving Redeemer who died so they could do what's right. Don't only talk of God as judge, but as helper and friend who helps us in our weakness with mercy, patience, love. Go beyond enforcing your authority and point to His authority, and beyond that to His grace.
When you humbly admit you desperately need grace, you'll be more willing to give grace to your kids.
Grace
God doesn't call you to parent without giving you what you need to do it, and He is with you in it.
God doesn't call people to be parents because they are able. He hasn't designed us to be independently able, but to be dependent on Him. God often calls unable people to do important things not for their own success, but so they'll know and love Him, and so He'll get the glory, not them (e.g., Abraham, Moses, Gideon, David, Jesus' disciples).
Parents who think they're able tend to be proud, self-assured, impatient, quick to judge.
Instead of parenting in self-righteous outrage, recognize that you're a sinner in need of grace parenting a sinner in need of grace.
You're the biggest problem in your parenting. Your kids don't cause you to do and say negative things; your heart is the cause. Confess that and seek transforming grace.
Law
We tend to parent based on what we want for ourselves rather than what God wants for and from our kids.
Don't expect rules to change child's heart and life; only grace can do that.
Inability
Don't try to make kid feel guilt toward you; instead, help them see their guilt toward God, which helps them evaluate their hearts, confess sin, and reach out for help.
Identity
Don't spend more time disciplining children for breaking God's law then you do telling them about Jesus, who perfectly kept law on their behalf.
Process
Parenting that reacts to kids tends to be emotional, viewing moments as interruptions and hassles. Instead, view parenting as a project full of God-given opportunities.
"Parenting is not a series of dramatic confrontation-confession events, but rather a life-long process of incremental awareness and progressive change."
Lost
You're not just dealing with child's behaviors, you're dealing with their condition. That's why you must deal with same issues repeatedly.
Children need compassion, understanding, patience, acceptance, forgiveness, grace more than criticism, judgment, condemnation, punishment (although they need authority, rules, enforcement, accountability).
Don't settle for winning the battle over the behavior; fight for heart behind the behavior.
Move toward children with grace of forgiveness, wisdom, correction, rescue; don't give way to irritation, frustration, impatience, discouragement.
Authority
Your authority should represent God's authority. Never exercise authority in sinfully angry, impatient, abusive, selfish, condemning way. Doing show is rebelling against God. Exercise authority as God does, in a beautiful, wise, patient, guiding, protective, rescuing, forgiving way.
Foolishness
When discipling, talk to child about her heart. Ask questions, tell stories, give illustrations to get child to step out of herself, quit defending herself, and examine her heart. Holy Spirit can use these moments to impart self-knowledge, sense of wrong, responsibility, desire to change.
Discipline is more about grace than law, so don't threaten, manipulate, or guilt.
Don't be mad when you have to discipline. God is giving you an opportunity to be part of His rescue of them. Patiently enforce the rules, but also talk about how beautiful, protective, practical, helpful, good God's wisdom is.
Character
When you recognize that you need to be parented by God, you won't resent needing to parent your kids.
Help children understand when their behavior is motivated by self-worship (idolatry) rather than God-worship. What rules the heart controls the behavior.
False Gods
You must understand child at heart level and work to be instrument of heart change.
Don't confess for kids, threaten, instill guilt, call names, condemn, compare kids to others, raise your voice, speak harshly, slap, or push. These shift their focus from their own hearts to you.
Don't be a prosecutor building a case against kids; desire that they experience God's rescuing, transforming grace. Replace "Do this and you'll get this" with "You need help, and I'm here to help."
Rest
"The most important thing you do for your children is to remember the One who sent you, and … teach your heart to rest." Meditate on God, not the struggle, to avoid feeling overwhelmed, defeated, guilty.
God exposes your weaknesses so you'll run to Him and grow in confidence of His presence, power, provision. 2 Cor 12:9.
Success is about faithfulness (do good towards children every day), not results.
Mercy
God calls us to be 1st responders to our children. 1st responders don't lecture, judge, condemn, but provide, rescue, protect, help, heal. They don't take others' needs personally, and don't get mad at interruptions.
Help child see the heart behind their behavior. Ask what they were thinking, feeling, wanting, seeking to accomplish. This helps them grow in heart awareness.
You aren't called to change child's behavior or beliefs, only to expose what's bad, point to what's good, and talk about Jesus Who can lead them from bad to good.
May 9, 2017
Best Christian parenting book I've read
I love his gospel centered perspective on parenting! Although a bit repetitive, content was spot on and I was deeply convicted. I will revisit this book again and again. Excellent read.
I love his gospel centered perspective on parenting! Although a bit repetitive, content was spot on and I was deeply convicted. I will revisit this book again and again. Excellent read.
November 28, 2018
I agree with many of the principles in this book and had that desire or type of vision for my home already. However, the way they are presented drove me crazy. So much repetition. So many examples of what you shouldn't do with rarely any examples of what you should do. Too much of it was written in a guilt-inducing, blanket-statement, all-or-nothing way. I felt like the pockets of wisdom I did glean, I could grasp from reading the chapter headings or first paragraphs.
August 26, 2019
This book is full of great principles for parenting. These are not detailed, step-by-step procedures but rather are grounded values to develop a gospel-oriented basis for parenting your kids. The basic premise is that both the kids and the parents need to understand that all of their problems that come bubbling up throughout childhood and adulthood are a result of a heart problem. This is not about obeying or disobeying a set of rules, but worshipping some “thing”, or things”, other than God.
Our main task as parents is to point our children to the state of their hearts and to help them discover what idols are capturing their attention. And as with any process, we need to be patient. This is “a life-long process of incremental awareness and progressive change.”
While the principles in this book are excellent, this was a really tough book to get through. The author is extremely wordy and his style detracts from his message. I feel like he was just filling up pages to sell another book. For me, it takes this book from a five star read down into the three star range. The author has posted his fourteen principles on a blog here: http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/y... and reading these is probably sufficient to understand the important messages of the book. My second gripe with the book is that the author repeatedly states how he did not understand or implement any of this when he was raising his children. Any personal anecdotes in the book are about his failure as a parent as opposed to any successes. While sharing failures is important and certainly provides comfort for the reader, I got the sense that the author was telling us to “do what he says, not what he did”. Ideally, he would have found some parents who have implemented these principles and shared these stories with the reader so that we could understand how to practically implement these ideas and give us confidence that they do indeed work!
September 16, 2020
This is by far the best parenting book I've read. It's more general ideas and not exact practices, but it's hard to read a page and not feel convicted. It has changed my parenting completely and I plan on reading it once or twice a year for the next 20 years. It's that good.
Five stars.
Update from 2nd readthrough:
Still amazing. 19 more years to go.
Update from the 3rd readthrough:
It's still amazing and humbling. I need this book in my life. Since becoming Presbyterian, I found myself agreeing even more with Tripp and noticing things he says in a different light. 18 more years to go.
Update from the 4th readthrough:
I love how different parts of this book hit me differently each year I read this. There are some parts where I think "I'm getting better in this area" and then there are those moments where I think "I thought I was doing better in this area". More and more I'm glad this book is about worldview and foundation, not about particular methods. It makes the advice more timeless and applicable. Really encouraged by the end: "God didn't give you children because you have the ability to parent without Him. You need him just as much as your children do. Parenting is about realizing your need for God." Parents: it's not on us. It's on Him.
Update from the 5th readthrough:
I still love this book and plan on rereading it for the next 15 years, but I have to take off a star for this book.
I do not appreciate the way Tripp talks about children. Arguably, his view is that kids are stupid idiots, regardless of age. I am concerned that if my kids read this book, their biggest question would be "is this how you see us?". Sinful? Yes. Idiots? No. I also didn't like certain phrases. At one point, Tripp says "you need to say to your child : 'Your problem isn't with me, it's with God.'" I understand what he's trying to say, and in one way Tripp is right. However, this is not the type of parenting authority the gospel pushes. It's dismissal.
There also isn't any talk (until the last few pages) about parenting for the flourishing of your kids. It reads more like a high-view parenting gospel discipline guide. Still, the book is mostly how my parenting problems are a result of my sin and my need to be parented by God (so to better parent), and I can get behind that. It's like reading a Parenting Confession of Sin.
Four stars.
Five stars.
Update from 2nd readthrough:
Still amazing. 19 more years to go.
Update from the 3rd readthrough:
It's still amazing and humbling. I need this book in my life. Since becoming Presbyterian, I found myself agreeing even more with Tripp and noticing things he says in a different light. 18 more years to go.
Update from the 4th readthrough:
I love how different parts of this book hit me differently each year I read this. There are some parts where I think "I'm getting better in this area" and then there are those moments where I think "I thought I was doing better in this area". More and more I'm glad this book is about worldview and foundation, not about particular methods. It makes the advice more timeless and applicable. Really encouraged by the end: "God didn't give you children because you have the ability to parent without Him. You need him just as much as your children do. Parenting is about realizing your need for God." Parents: it's not on us. It's on Him.
Update from the 5th readthrough:
I still love this book and plan on rereading it for the next 15 years, but I have to take off a star for this book.
I do not appreciate the way Tripp talks about children. Arguably, his view is that kids are stupid idiots, regardless of age. I am concerned that if my kids read this book, their biggest question would be "is this how you see us?". Sinful? Yes. Idiots? No. I also didn't like certain phrases. At one point, Tripp says "you need to say to your child : 'Your problem isn't with me, it's with God.'" I understand what he's trying to say, and in one way Tripp is right. However, this is not the type of parenting authority the gospel pushes. It's dismissal.
There also isn't any talk (until the last few pages) about parenting for the flourishing of your kids. It reads more like a high-view parenting gospel discipline guide. Still, the book is mostly how my parenting problems are a result of my sin and my need to be parented by God (so to better parent), and I can get behind that. It's like reading a Parenting Confession of Sin.
Four stars.
November 13, 2024
Not a “Do this to have good kids” book but a book that is about the grace of God should impact every aspect of our lives especially parenting. This book is not just about helping point out and weed out the sin our hearts but also in the parents heart as well. Also this is my social media pregnancy announcement
February 18, 2025
Loved this book! It doesn’t get into a lot of specific parenting techniques or practices, but is all about the heart behind parenting! Super encouraging and transformative!
May 18, 2018
There are some fantastic things about this book, and some disappointments. The biblical principles author Paul David Tripp outlines are so spot on and make perfect sense – not only very useful, but also vital for any parent. However, I have a few gripes.
This book got me a little frustrated more than once, for a number of reasons. Firstly, Tripp’s writing style can be very wordy. I will show you… His writing style is wordy because he repeats things a lot. His writing style is wordy because it contains a lot of dense biblical language. His writing style is wordy because he uses several words where only a few would suffice. And his writing style is wordy because when listing things, he does what I just did… if you know what I mean. And he does this last point so much it got on my nerves. He is also very repetitive in that I was just over half way through the book, and I felt like I had read only a couple of chapters worth of content. The first half of the book repeated many of the same concepts. Now, having said that I know that some of these concepts are worth repeating – they are invaluable, extremely useful and they all do connect to each other, so it’s hard to explain one principle without referring to others. However I did start to get a little annoyed that I was reading the same advice over and over.
The other reason this book frustrated me, was that most of it is not actually all that ‘hands-on’ practical. It’s practical in the sense that Tripp relates his theological teachings directly to parenting and everyday life and again, this was very helpful. But what he doesn’t do very often at all is give specific practical examples of what implementing these teachings in your parenting behaviour and dialogue actually looks like. Now, I know this is hard, because all children are different, all parents are different and all situations are different, but then he gives many many many examples of things we should not say to our kids – (actual direct examples using quotation marks). And the more he wrote about what not to say, the more I wanted examples of what to say! If this book was called “What not to do and say to your children”, it would be, in many areas, a fantastic, on-point book. It is extremely descriptive of the practical problems with children and parenting methods, but not descriptive of the practical solutions. He rather gives more general solutions based on the theology. “Use opportunities to show your children grace” he says. This is great, but… how specifically. The more he described very specific problems and very specific things of what not to say, the more I wanted actual in-quotation-marks examples of what to say to my child in the different situations he was describing.
The book got a little less repetitive towards the end in the last two chapters, offered some new teaching and concepts to think about, and even got a little bit more specific and practical in addressing parenting moments. This made me a little more satisfied. The principles themselves presented in this book are, without a doubt, excellent for parents - every parent should read this book (but just don’t expect it to be your answer to everything). The biblical principles are invaluable for parenting, understanding your children and behaving in a way that will actually help your children rather than hinder them. I cannot fault Tripp’s theology or its relevance to parenting. But I just found myself multiple times throughout, wanting more. I now have to do a lot more thinking and researching myself on how to put these wonderful principles into practice in my everyday words and actions as a parent.
This book got me a little frustrated more than once, for a number of reasons. Firstly, Tripp’s writing style can be very wordy. I will show you… His writing style is wordy because he repeats things a lot. His writing style is wordy because it contains a lot of dense biblical language. His writing style is wordy because he uses several words where only a few would suffice. And his writing style is wordy because when listing things, he does what I just did… if you know what I mean. And he does this last point so much it got on my nerves. He is also very repetitive in that I was just over half way through the book, and I felt like I had read only a couple of chapters worth of content. The first half of the book repeated many of the same concepts. Now, having said that I know that some of these concepts are worth repeating – they are invaluable, extremely useful and they all do connect to each other, so it’s hard to explain one principle without referring to others. However I did start to get a little annoyed that I was reading the same advice over and over.
The other reason this book frustrated me, was that most of it is not actually all that ‘hands-on’ practical. It’s practical in the sense that Tripp relates his theological teachings directly to parenting and everyday life and again, this was very helpful. But what he doesn’t do very often at all is give specific practical examples of what implementing these teachings in your parenting behaviour and dialogue actually looks like. Now, I know this is hard, because all children are different, all parents are different and all situations are different, but then he gives many many many examples of things we should not say to our kids – (actual direct examples using quotation marks). And the more he wrote about what not to say, the more I wanted examples of what to say! If this book was called “What not to do and say to your children”, it would be, in many areas, a fantastic, on-point book. It is extremely descriptive of the practical problems with children and parenting methods, but not descriptive of the practical solutions. He rather gives more general solutions based on the theology. “Use opportunities to show your children grace” he says. This is great, but… how specifically. The more he described very specific problems and very specific things of what not to say, the more I wanted actual in-quotation-marks examples of what to say to my child in the different situations he was describing.
The book got a little less repetitive towards the end in the last two chapters, offered some new teaching and concepts to think about, and even got a little bit more specific and practical in addressing parenting moments. This made me a little more satisfied. The principles themselves presented in this book are, without a doubt, excellent for parents - every parent should read this book (but just don’t expect it to be your answer to everything). The biblical principles are invaluable for parenting, understanding your children and behaving in a way that will actually help your children rather than hinder them. I cannot fault Tripp’s theology or its relevance to parenting. But I just found myself multiple times throughout, wanting more. I now have to do a lot more thinking and researching myself on how to put these wonderful principles into practice in my everyday words and actions as a parent.
July 24, 2017
Although repetitive in certain parts, this book is the gospel-centered Parenting pep-talk I need every day. He is honest, direct and encouraging. I'll definitely reread this!
July 13, 2016
As a parent of children between five and fourteen, I've read quite a few parenting books (Christian and non-Christian). This one by Paul Tripp is similar to other Christian books I've read because it talks about patience, forgiveness, authority, character, and so forth. In fact, Tripp's book is very similar to one called "Give Them Grace." In my opinion, Tripp's book "Parenting" is somewhat helpful, and somewhat unhelpful. I'll break it down:
HELPFUL: Tripp nicely emphasized the need for God's grace in parenting. Parents need God's grace and so do their kids. Like his other work, Tripp wrote that we are God's instruments of grace in the lives of our children.
The book also recognized the reality of sin in our kids' hearts and their need for Christ. Many of Tripp's principles and tips for parenting were good, such as the fact that we need to see parenting as a long process, the fact that we are more like our kids than we often think, that we need to tell them about God very often, etc. There is a lot of wisdom in this book.
UNHELPFUL: Tripp's writing style made the book somewhat hard to read. He repeats himself quite often, asks tons of rhetorical questions, and uses more words than necessary. By the end of the book I was thinking he could have gotten his points across with 50 fewer pages.
The subtitle of this book is inaccurate. Tripp's "14 gospel principles" aren't really gospel (or "good news") principles, they are wise statements on parenting from a Christian perspective. Speaking of the principles, there are 14 overarching principles, but in each chapter there are minor principles as well. As I moved on in the book, I felt overwhelmed by all these principles (e.g. "you need to..." "your children need to..." "you must be..."). The book is supposed to be a "big gospel picture" (p. 13) of parenting, but the numerous principles went against a big picture perspective.
Tripp also says a Bible word that explains God's calling for parents is to be an "ambassador." However, this word is used twice in the NT to describe the apostolic ministerial calling (2 Cor. 5:20 & Eph. 6:20).
(As a side, Tripp doesn't really mention anything about kids with biological or mental issues, so this book is less helpful for parents facing these things in their kids.)
Finally, one unhelpful aspect of the book is the fact that Tripp says children of believers are "lost" sinners with hard hearts. It is true that children of believers are sinful, for sure, and need Jesus as much as their parents do. But Scripture's description of children in a Christian home is more positive than Tripp's. The Bible says they are "holy" ("set apart" - 1 Cor. 7), a blessing from God, and belong to God's covenant, like Abraham and his children. (Yes, I realize this is a Baptist vs. Reformed/covenantal view of children, and I'm Reformed). A major tone of the book is that our children are lost, and Tripp's advice to parents is affected by this tone. While some readers might agree with Tripp, I for one do not. Based on Scripture, I cannot call my children "lost."
In a word, there are some helpful parts to this book. It did remind me that I need to speak kind, loving, directing, forgiving words to my children, words that point them to Christ. But there were quite a few unhelpful parts in this book as well, so I can't recommend it wholeheartedly.
HELPFUL: Tripp nicely emphasized the need for God's grace in parenting. Parents need God's grace and so do their kids. Like his other work, Tripp wrote that we are God's instruments of grace in the lives of our children.
The book also recognized the reality of sin in our kids' hearts and their need for Christ. Many of Tripp's principles and tips for parenting were good, such as the fact that we need to see parenting as a long process, the fact that we are more like our kids than we often think, that we need to tell them about God very often, etc. There is a lot of wisdom in this book.
UNHELPFUL: Tripp's writing style made the book somewhat hard to read. He repeats himself quite often, asks tons of rhetorical questions, and uses more words than necessary. By the end of the book I was thinking he could have gotten his points across with 50 fewer pages.
The subtitle of this book is inaccurate. Tripp's "14 gospel principles" aren't really gospel (or "good news") principles, they are wise statements on parenting from a Christian perspective. Speaking of the principles, there are 14 overarching principles, but in each chapter there are minor principles as well. As I moved on in the book, I felt overwhelmed by all these principles (e.g. "you need to..." "your children need to..." "you must be..."). The book is supposed to be a "big gospel picture" (p. 13) of parenting, but the numerous principles went against a big picture perspective.
Tripp also says a Bible word that explains God's calling for parents is to be an "ambassador." However, this word is used twice in the NT to describe the apostolic ministerial calling (2 Cor. 5:20 & Eph. 6:20).
(As a side, Tripp doesn't really mention anything about kids with biological or mental issues, so this book is less helpful for parents facing these things in their kids.)
Finally, one unhelpful aspect of the book is the fact that Tripp says children of believers are "lost" sinners with hard hearts. It is true that children of believers are sinful, for sure, and need Jesus as much as their parents do. But Scripture's description of children in a Christian home is more positive than Tripp's. The Bible says they are "holy" ("set apart" - 1 Cor. 7), a blessing from God, and belong to God's covenant, like Abraham and his children. (Yes, I realize this is a Baptist vs. Reformed/covenantal view of children, and I'm Reformed). A major tone of the book is that our children are lost, and Tripp's advice to parents is affected by this tone. While some readers might agree with Tripp, I for one do not. Based on Scripture, I cannot call my children "lost."
In a word, there are some helpful parts to this book. It did remind me that I need to speak kind, loving, directing, forgiving words to my children, words that point them to Christ. But there were quite a few unhelpful parts in this book as well, so I can't recommend it wholeheartedly.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
November 19, 2022
To the core...
This is a great parenting book that I shall come back to over again. It’s probably the best, certainly theologically-wise, it gets to the root of the problems, puts everything in the right big-picture perspective, it’s soaked with the Spirit of Christ, it’s embedded into the christian narrative.
There were many things to ponder, many a-ha moments, many insightful passages where I got to examine myself. The ones I remember now are:
* the idea that our parental work is ambassadorial at the core, rasising our children is not about our identity/success/reputation. We are sent with a mandate, they belong to Him, we are tools in His hands, which means He does the work and gets the glory.
* what we trully desire for our children is realy not a controlled behaviour, but a changed, renewed heart. And that (changing them) we cannot deliver. It is not the work of a human, that is the work of a God. Thus we aim at reflecting God, we make Him our treasure, we make Him known to our children in ways they’d desire to know Him more, we reflect and model His grace, His mercy, His goodness, His forgiveness, we delight ourselves in His law and His word and we pray and work toward sparkling in them a love for all of these things, with the hope that eventually they will meet Him, who alone is their Reedemer, who alone can give them new hearts that delinght in doing His will.
The 14 principles:
1. Calling: nothing is more important in your life than being one of God’s tool to form a human soul. Do things, work, ministry get in the way of faithfully doing your work as a parent? What is the work of the parent: placing God consciousness (His existance, character, plan) in your child’s heart; teach them fear or God not fear of you, connect everything to the story of redemption, open their eyes to the grace of God, blow him away with God’s patience, mercy and love. We are called not because we are able but because He is. Deut. 6
2. Grace: God never calls you to a task without giving you what you need to do it. He never sends you without going with you. (Ef.3:20-21). Only when we realise our deep need of grace will we extend it to our children. Only when we realise our deep need of Him coming with us in our daily lives, will we be able be graceful walking along our children. We are more like our children than we think. Both needing the grace of the Father.
3. Law: Our children need God’s law, but you cannot ask the law to do what only God’s grace can accomplish. Live and model daily the grace of God. It is what your children desperately need for real change. So we need to let ourselves be fathered by Him, receive Him forgiveness, run to Him daily.
4. Inability: Recognizing what you are unable to do is essential to good parenting. God has tasked parents with many things, but nowhere in his Word has he tasked you with the responsibility to create heart change (oh, what good news! God does not put such a burden on us; we can not buy them off or scare them off into change) but to be humble intruments of change in the hands of the One and only Author of change. (Very different from the perspective that if you exercise the right power at the right time, change will resolt - which leads to aggressive/threatening/demeanding/focused on rules and punshment parenting: where you work to make your children into smth rather than helping them see smth and seek Smn). Power tools (short-term positive harvest and a longtime negative legacy): 1. fear, 2. rewards (negotiation not change of heart), 3. shame (shaming into what’s good is horizontal guilt - about you, not vertical - giving him insight into his heart - between your child and God!)
5. Identity: if you are not resting in your identity in Christ, you will look for identity in your children (taking their succes/failure personally by becoming overly proud/embarressed, getting angry, being easily hurt by them, lost joy.
6. Process: commitment to long-view parenting, because change is a process, not an event. Even the world’s best teacher—Jesus—had a process mentality, and because he did, he was willing to leave his work to unfinished people. Parent with pacient mercy, allowing step-by-step grace (just like the one you are daily given by you Father)
7. Lost: as a parent you are not dealing just with bad behaviour, but with a condition that causes bad behaviour: your child’s “lostness” and his blindness to his lostness. Luke 15 (The “Lost” parables) is a tremendous help to parents, because, in vivid word pictures, it sheds light on the condition that is the reason for all you have to deal with in the thoughts, desires, choices, words and actions of your children: beautiful insights from Lost sheep, Lost coin, Lost son. Adress the heart-issues behind their behaviour giving insight, compassion, hope, rescue, wisdom when to say no.
8. Authority: teach and model the protective beauty of authority. Like His (as ambassadors): the security of faithful consistent, firm, uncomprimising and loving authority, motivated by grace (not by our emotions which make it both inconsistent and graceless: impatient, angry)
9. Foolishness: the foolishness inside your children is more dangerous than the temptation outside of them; only God’s grace has the capacity to rescue fools; we are His tools by grace(! Realising that you are more like your children than wise, needing forgiveness and rescue overselves; no one offers grace better that the one who realises how much grace he himself is being by given; we are fools when we transform moments of ministry into moments of anger, when we personalise what is not personal, when we are adversarial in our response, when we settle for quick sollutions that do not get to the heart of the problem)
10. Character: Not all of the wrong your children do is a direct rebellion to authority; much of the wrong is the result of a lack of character. Romans 1:25, 28-32 connect character issues to the most significant of all human functions: worship. What our children (and us!) need is a changed heart that worships Him. His pursuit of our character change: when every though, desire, choice, word and action is fully rooted in the worship of Him.
11. False Gods: You are parenting a worshiper: what rules your child’s heart will control his behavior. Humility: thier worship struggles are you struggles as well (we too exchange love of God for some cravings in the creation, we too let good things become bad things in your heart by becoming ruling things, we too tend to be blind to what’s in our heart), the rescue they need, you need as well. So instead of self-rightously judgemental, you become compassionate. The little struggles because of the greater battle in the heart are all opportunities to gracefully get to the heart issue.
12. Control: The goal of parenting is not control of behavior, but rather heart and life change. No matter how successfully you control their choices and behavior, your control cannot and will not free them from your kids from a deeper need—a clean heart (the deep conviction and desire for a new heart, like David’s: Ps. 51)
13. Rest: It is only rest in God’s presence and grace that will make you a joyful and patient parent. This may surprise you, but I cannot think of any directive from the mouth of Jesus that is a more appropriate call to every Christian parent than the Great Commission (Mathew 28:18-20)
14. Mercy: No parent gives mercy better than one who is convinced that he desperately needs it himself. Hebr.4:14-16: a model for a life-long mission of humbly, joyfully and willingly giving mercy
This is a great parenting book that I shall come back to over again. It’s probably the best, certainly theologically-wise, it gets to the root of the problems, puts everything in the right big-picture perspective, it’s soaked with the Spirit of Christ, it’s embedded into the christian narrative.
There were many things to ponder, many a-ha moments, many insightful passages where I got to examine myself. The ones I remember now are:
* the idea that our parental work is ambassadorial at the core, rasising our children is not about our identity/success/reputation. We are sent with a mandate, they belong to Him, we are tools in His hands, which means He does the work and gets the glory.
* what we trully desire for our children is realy not a controlled behaviour, but a changed, renewed heart. And that (changing them) we cannot deliver. It is not the work of a human, that is the work of a God. Thus we aim at reflecting God, we make Him our treasure, we make Him known to our children in ways they’d desire to know Him more, we reflect and model His grace, His mercy, His goodness, His forgiveness, we delight ourselves in His law and His word and we pray and work toward sparkling in them a love for all of these things, with the hope that eventually they will meet Him, who alone is their Reedemer, who alone can give them new hearts that delinght in doing His will.
The 14 principles:
1. Calling: nothing is more important in your life than being one of God’s tool to form a human soul. Do things, work, ministry get in the way of faithfully doing your work as a parent? What is the work of the parent: placing God consciousness (His existance, character, plan) in your child’s heart; teach them fear or God not fear of you, connect everything to the story of redemption, open their eyes to the grace of God, blow him away with God’s patience, mercy and love. We are called not because we are able but because He is. Deut. 6
2. Grace: God never calls you to a task without giving you what you need to do it. He never sends you without going with you. (Ef.3:20-21). Only when we realise our deep need of grace will we extend it to our children. Only when we realise our deep need of Him coming with us in our daily lives, will we be able be graceful walking along our children. We are more like our children than we think. Both needing the grace of the Father.
3. Law: Our children need God’s law, but you cannot ask the law to do what only God’s grace can accomplish. Live and model daily the grace of God. It is what your children desperately need for real change. So we need to let ourselves be fathered by Him, receive Him forgiveness, run to Him daily.
4. Inability: Recognizing what you are unable to do is essential to good parenting. God has tasked parents with many things, but nowhere in his Word has he tasked you with the responsibility to create heart change (oh, what good news! God does not put such a burden on us; we can not buy them off or scare them off into change) but to be humble intruments of change in the hands of the One and only Author of change. (Very different from the perspective that if you exercise the right power at the right time, change will resolt - which leads to aggressive/threatening/demeanding/focused on rules and punshment parenting: where you work to make your children into smth rather than helping them see smth and seek Smn). Power tools (short-term positive harvest and a longtime negative legacy): 1. fear, 2. rewards (negotiation not change of heart), 3. shame (shaming into what’s good is horizontal guilt - about you, not vertical - giving him insight into his heart - between your child and God!)
5. Identity: if you are not resting in your identity in Christ, you will look for identity in your children (taking their succes/failure personally by becoming overly proud/embarressed, getting angry, being easily hurt by them, lost joy.
6. Process: commitment to long-view parenting, because change is a process, not an event. Even the world’s best teacher—Jesus—had a process mentality, and because he did, he was willing to leave his work to unfinished people. Parent with pacient mercy, allowing step-by-step grace (just like the one you are daily given by you Father)
7. Lost: as a parent you are not dealing just with bad behaviour, but with a condition that causes bad behaviour: your child’s “lostness” and his blindness to his lostness. Luke 15 (The “Lost” parables) is a tremendous help to parents, because, in vivid word pictures, it sheds light on the condition that is the reason for all you have to deal with in the thoughts, desires, choices, words and actions of your children: beautiful insights from Lost sheep, Lost coin, Lost son. Adress the heart-issues behind their behaviour giving insight, compassion, hope, rescue, wisdom when to say no.
8. Authority: teach and model the protective beauty of authority. Like His (as ambassadors): the security of faithful consistent, firm, uncomprimising and loving authority, motivated by grace (not by our emotions which make it both inconsistent and graceless: impatient, angry)
9. Foolishness: the foolishness inside your children is more dangerous than the temptation outside of them; only God’s grace has the capacity to rescue fools; we are His tools by grace(! Realising that you are more like your children than wise, needing forgiveness and rescue overselves; no one offers grace better that the one who realises how much grace he himself is being by given; we are fools when we transform moments of ministry into moments of anger, when we personalise what is not personal, when we are adversarial in our response, when we settle for quick sollutions that do not get to the heart of the problem)
10. Character: Not all of the wrong your children do is a direct rebellion to authority; much of the wrong is the result of a lack of character. Romans 1:25, 28-32 connect character issues to the most significant of all human functions: worship. What our children (and us!) need is a changed heart that worships Him. His pursuit of our character change: when every though, desire, choice, word and action is fully rooted in the worship of Him.
11. False Gods: You are parenting a worshiper: what rules your child’s heart will control his behavior. Humility: thier worship struggles are you struggles as well (we too exchange love of God for some cravings in the creation, we too let good things become bad things in your heart by becoming ruling things, we too tend to be blind to what’s in our heart), the rescue they need, you need as well. So instead of self-rightously judgemental, you become compassionate. The little struggles because of the greater battle in the heart are all opportunities to gracefully get to the heart issue.
12. Control: The goal of parenting is not control of behavior, but rather heart and life change. No matter how successfully you control their choices and behavior, your control cannot and will not free them from your kids from a deeper need—a clean heart (the deep conviction and desire for a new heart, like David’s: Ps. 51)
13. Rest: It is only rest in God’s presence and grace that will make you a joyful and patient parent. This may surprise you, but I cannot think of any directive from the mouth of Jesus that is a more appropriate call to every Christian parent than the Great Commission (Mathew 28:18-20)
14. Mercy: No parent gives mercy better than one who is convinced that he desperately needs it himself. Hebr.4:14-16: a model for a life-long mission of humbly, joyfully and willingly giving mercy
June 22, 2023
The main idea is to keep seeing yourself as God’s ambassador to a little person with a sinful heart.
March 8, 2017
Classic Tripp on how the gospel should be what shapes and drives our parenting. Lots of helpful reminders that ultimately we parent out of being and knowing His parental love and authority toward us as Father.
The thing that irks me about Tripp's writing is that he is so repetitive (reminded me of the Dangerous Calling book). Maybe he was trying to drill the points home, but I felt it was unnecessary.
Besides that, I enjoyed it. The second to last chapter (Rest) spoke a lot to me that the Lord ultimately shoulders the weight of the responsibility that we often carry (and feel like we are collapsing under) as parents, so we can truly find rest.
The thing that irks me about Tripp's writing is that he is so repetitive (reminded me of the Dangerous Calling book). Maybe he was trying to drill the points home, but I felt it was unnecessary.
Besides that, I enjoyed it. The second to last chapter (Rest) spoke a lot to me that the Lord ultimately shoulders the weight of the responsibility that we often carry (and feel like we are collapsing under) as parents, so we can truly find rest.
March 25, 2017
The principles were initially inspiring, but repetitive by the end. I was expecting him to go deeper and offer practical examples (since he offered so many examples of the wrong way to parent) but that never happened.
September 14, 2021
I openly wept throughout most of this book. The truth and grace of the Gospel cut me to the quick (in the best way), and I will never look at my parenting the same.
September 13, 2016
If I had to give a one-sentence review on Paul David Tripp’s new book “Parenting: 14 Gospel Principles That Can Radically Change Your Family,” it would simply be “Read it.” I don’t think I resort to hyperbole when I say that this book is perhaps the best parenting book that I’ve ever read (and I’ve read a few). In it, Tripp is encouraging without excusing, convicting without condemning and emboldening without blaming. He writes with the heart of a pastor seeking to help those in his care.
Throughout his book, Tripp constantly points the reader to the finished work of Jesus Christ on the cross, encouraging parents to rest on the authority and power of God rather than their own to raise their children. He reminds parents that we are ambassadors of God to do gospel work in our families. In doing so, he focuses quite a bit on our responsibilities as parents first, but not in browbeating manner. “Successful parenting is not first about what you’ve produced; rather, it’s first about what you have done. Let me say it this way: successful parenting is not about achieving goals (that you have no power to produce) but about being a usable and faithful tool in the hands of the One who alone is able to produce good things in your children.” (p.19) All too often, I get caught up in taking my children’s failures personally, but Tripp encourages me that I cannot take credit or blame for failures or successes in my children. I am simply to be used by God and let Him worry about the outcome. It is this theme that Tripp returns to many times throughout the book and it’s a theme worth hearing repeatedly.
The principles that Tripp writes of help the reader to see their children and themselves through the lens of the finished word of Christ. Principles like our calling to teach our children (ch. 1): “You could argue that the chief reason God put parents in children’s lives is so that they would know him.” (p.30) Or the principle of grace (ch. 2): “God hasn’t just sent you to do his work in the lives of your children; he will use the lives of your children to advance his work in you.” (p.42) Among some of the things he talks about, he talks of how our children are a long-term work in process, that they are lost (and not just behaving badly), that they seem themselves as their own authority, that they are foolish (“Rather than being unkind, it is in fact biblical to look at your children and to understand that you are parenting fools” – p.130) and that it is a worship issue, whether they are worshipping themselves or God.
As I was reading the book, several times I had to stop and reread a sentence or two because I felt like someone had opened a window to a hot and stuffy room, allowing a cool, refreshing breeze to flow in. Many times, I was convicted of my lack of grace in my parenting but encouraged, not to try harder, but to rest in the power of God and in the knowledge that HE could handle the outcome. I need to be the willing tool.
I have two small complaints against this book. One is that Tripp often seems to get stuck in a writing pattern, repeatedly starting one sentence after another with the same thing. The second is that I do wish Tripp used a few examples of what his principles or conversations looked like in action. While he does include a few, a few times I found myself writing in the margins “What does this look like?”
This is a book that I know I’ll be reading again. It is packed full of biblical wisdom and reminders that I need every minute of every day. The last quote I’ll include is from the chapter on rest: “Parenting is hard; it will expose your weaknesses and it will challenge your faith….But the good news of the gospel is that you don’t have to hide your struggle. You don’t have to act as if you’re doing better than you are….God will expose your weaknesses so that you will run to him, find his help in your time of need, and grow in your street-level confidence in his presence, power, and provision.” (pp.191-192)
Throughout his book, Tripp constantly points the reader to the finished work of Jesus Christ on the cross, encouraging parents to rest on the authority and power of God rather than their own to raise their children. He reminds parents that we are ambassadors of God to do gospel work in our families. In doing so, he focuses quite a bit on our responsibilities as parents first, but not in browbeating manner. “Successful parenting is not first about what you’ve produced; rather, it’s first about what you have done. Let me say it this way: successful parenting is not about achieving goals (that you have no power to produce) but about being a usable and faithful tool in the hands of the One who alone is able to produce good things in your children.” (p.19) All too often, I get caught up in taking my children’s failures personally, but Tripp encourages me that I cannot take credit or blame for failures or successes in my children. I am simply to be used by God and let Him worry about the outcome. It is this theme that Tripp returns to many times throughout the book and it’s a theme worth hearing repeatedly.
The principles that Tripp writes of help the reader to see their children and themselves through the lens of the finished word of Christ. Principles like our calling to teach our children (ch. 1): “You could argue that the chief reason God put parents in children’s lives is so that they would know him.” (p.30) Or the principle of grace (ch. 2): “God hasn’t just sent you to do his work in the lives of your children; he will use the lives of your children to advance his work in you.” (p.42) Among some of the things he talks about, he talks of how our children are a long-term work in process, that they are lost (and not just behaving badly), that they seem themselves as their own authority, that they are foolish (“Rather than being unkind, it is in fact biblical to look at your children and to understand that you are parenting fools” – p.130) and that it is a worship issue, whether they are worshipping themselves or God.
As I was reading the book, several times I had to stop and reread a sentence or two because I felt like someone had opened a window to a hot and stuffy room, allowing a cool, refreshing breeze to flow in. Many times, I was convicted of my lack of grace in my parenting but encouraged, not to try harder, but to rest in the power of God and in the knowledge that HE could handle the outcome. I need to be the willing tool.
I have two small complaints against this book. One is that Tripp often seems to get stuck in a writing pattern, repeatedly starting one sentence after another with the same thing. The second is that I do wish Tripp used a few examples of what his principles or conversations looked like in action. While he does include a few, a few times I found myself writing in the margins “What does this look like?”
This is a book that I know I’ll be reading again. It is packed full of biblical wisdom and reminders that I need every minute of every day. The last quote I’ll include is from the chapter on rest: “Parenting is hard; it will expose your weaknesses and it will challenge your faith….But the good news of the gospel is that you don’t have to hide your struggle. You don’t have to act as if you’re doing better than you are….God will expose your weaknesses so that you will run to him, find his help in your time of need, and grow in your street-level confidence in his presence, power, and provision.” (pp.191-192)
January 19, 2023
Very well done, but convicting as well as encouraging. I believe it accomplishes the goal of setting forth to infuse your parenting with the gospel.
December 11, 2017
Pros: Clear, the approach is not so much a how-to manual with helpful tips as it is working on the parent's heart for lasting foundational change, he makes his main points near the beginning when the reader is still paying good attention and then the rest of the book is more like backup for and expansion of the first few chapters, and he tells it like it is - kids are sinners, parents are sinners. It's really about dealing with the parents so that they can then deal with their kids, not about him trying to tell you how to deal with your kids. He's focused on the adults in the situation and what's going on in them at a deeper level.
Cons (why it's not 5 stars): After one gets through the first four chapters or so, it didn't seem like there was much new material in the book (but those first chapters are really good), and my biggest con was that he repeatedly gives fairly ridiculous examples of what not to do, but extremely rarely ever has scenarios of what to do. I don't need a script to follow when talking to my children or a scene to act out, but it doesn't seem like it would be too prescriptive for him to offer some suggestions of what to say when dealing with particular issues he brings up. If he can dedicate two pages to an example of what not to do, surely there could be a paragraph-long example of how a parent could appropriately deal with that issue.
I would definitely recommend this book to all Christian parents who like to read and think. It would be appropriate for parents of children of all ages, but it's probably going to be most useful for those whose children are between the ages of 3 and 15 or so.
If you are the type who sometimes only makes it through half of a book, this one might be a good one for you, although you might want to also read the last chapter for a final summary.
Cons (why it's not 5 stars): After one gets through the first four chapters or so, it didn't seem like there was much new material in the book (but those first chapters are really good), and my biggest con was that he repeatedly gives fairly ridiculous examples of what not to do, but extremely rarely ever has scenarios of what to do. I don't need a script to follow when talking to my children or a scene to act out, but it doesn't seem like it would be too prescriptive for him to offer some suggestions of what to say when dealing with particular issues he brings up. If he can dedicate two pages to an example of what not to do, surely there could be a paragraph-long example of how a parent could appropriately deal with that issue.
I would definitely recommend this book to all Christian parents who like to read and think. It would be appropriate for parents of children of all ages, but it's probably going to be most useful for those whose children are between the ages of 3 and 15 or so.
If you are the type who sometimes only makes it through half of a book, this one might be a good one for you, although you might want to also read the last chapter for a final summary.
December 15, 2022
I tried so hard to read this. I really wanted to like it.
The thesis of us acting as ambassadors for Christ to our children is critical to engaging as a parent.
Unfortunately, this book is filled with pedantic sentences that repeat themselves across countless paragraphs. I finally had to stop reading it when I found myself trying to say "I GOT THE POINT PLEASE STOP REPEATING YOURSELF". I think this is a textbook example of something that could have been a series of well written blog posts in lieu of being a full-featured book.
The thesis of us acting as ambassadors for Christ to our children is critical to engaging as a parent.
Unfortunately, this book is filled with pedantic sentences that repeat themselves across countless paragraphs. I finally had to stop reading it when I found myself trying to say "I GOT THE POINT PLEASE STOP REPEATING YOURSELF". I think this is a textbook example of something that could have been a series of well written blog posts in lieu of being a full-featured book.
December 9, 2021
A MUST READ for parents! In my opinion - the most helpful book, outside the Bible, on discipling and raising up a child to know and love the Lord. I plan to keep re-reading it over and over again over the next several decades.
March 16, 2020
I can't recommend this book enough. This was my third time through. I believe it's currently the best parenting book out there.
November 9, 2016
Consider the big picture of what God is inviting you to be part of as he works in the hearts and lives of your children. It is meant to help you see how radically different parenting becomes when you quit trying to produce change and become a willing tool of the grace that rescues, forgives, and changes. Each chapter will introduce and explain a parenting principle that takes that grace seriously. Many of us are exhausted, discouraged, and frustrated. How about considering a new and better way: the way of grace?
I have to say that this not only about a better way of parenting but applying the gospel to our selves as well. We need the gospel just as much as our children do and at times more as we struggle to raise Godly children in a godless society. Whenever the gospel is rightly taught, it will give you encouragement and gratitude of what God has given us. This is not a book of dos and don'ts but more of how can I show Jesus to my children.
In knowing our limits as sinners, we can better display the gospel with mercy. Mercy does not mean that our children get away with everything under the sun, but mercy helps us as parents to parent with a tender heart that becomes teachable and builds our relationship that satisfies both parent and child. I know when I have showed mercy to my daughters that are willing to come to me in their need. It is a building of trust. It is easy to play the game of guilt and shame but you risk destroying the spirit of your children if you do. Tripp adamantly teaches that it is not the sin outside of the sinner but the sin inside the sinner. It is the nature of our sin. You cannot change circumstances with if only __________. You have to change the desires of the heart.
Tripp rightly addresses that being a parent exposes our hearts as well. Are we judgmental, critical,
angry, compliant, needy of affirmation, etc. etc. Being a parent exposes our weakness of what we value on how we parent. Tripp not only exposes our trouble in parenting but he also gives us tools within the gospel to have a divine opportunity with our own children. How exciting is that. To use a time of frustration as an opportunity to teach the gospel. With my own daughters, they would always argue about riding in the front seat. I would gently remind them about the first being last and the last being first. Did it work, sometimes but it always put the gospel front and center that it is not always about you. The gospel always forces you to think about the good of others.
Paul Tripp is a great communicator of the gospel. He can say the same thing about a dozen different ways for the light bulb to go on. I did order this book for my youngest as she is expecting her first child next month and my oldest already ordered this one so I am excited that she too will have tools to show the gospel to her children. What is exciting about the gospel is that prevalent to all areas of struggle. We all struggle, we all need the gospel for our good and God's glory! Amen.
A Special Thank You to Crossway Books and Netgalley for the ARC and the opportunity to post an honest review.
I have to say that this not only about a better way of parenting but applying the gospel to our selves as well. We need the gospel just as much as our children do and at times more as we struggle to raise Godly children in a godless society. Whenever the gospel is rightly taught, it will give you encouragement and gratitude of what God has given us. This is not a book of dos and don'ts but more of how can I show Jesus to my children.
In knowing our limits as sinners, we can better display the gospel with mercy. Mercy does not mean that our children get away with everything under the sun, but mercy helps us as parents to parent with a tender heart that becomes teachable and builds our relationship that satisfies both parent and child. I know when I have showed mercy to my daughters that are willing to come to me in their need. It is a building of trust. It is easy to play the game of guilt and shame but you risk destroying the spirit of your children if you do. Tripp adamantly teaches that it is not the sin outside of the sinner but the sin inside the sinner. It is the nature of our sin. You cannot change circumstances with if only __________. You have to change the desires of the heart.
Tripp rightly addresses that being a parent exposes our hearts as well. Are we judgmental, critical,
angry, compliant, needy of affirmation, etc. etc. Being a parent exposes our weakness of what we value on how we parent. Tripp not only exposes our trouble in parenting but he also gives us tools within the gospel to have a divine opportunity with our own children. How exciting is that. To use a time of frustration as an opportunity to teach the gospel. With my own daughters, they would always argue about riding in the front seat. I would gently remind them about the first being last and the last being first. Did it work, sometimes but it always put the gospel front and center that it is not always about you. The gospel always forces you to think about the good of others.
Paul Tripp is a great communicator of the gospel. He can say the same thing about a dozen different ways for the light bulb to go on. I did order this book for my youngest as she is expecting her first child next month and my oldest already ordered this one so I am excited that she too will have tools to show the gospel to her children. What is exciting about the gospel is that prevalent to all areas of struggle. We all struggle, we all need the gospel for our good and God's glory! Amen.
A Special Thank You to Crossway Books and Netgalley for the ARC and the opportunity to post an honest review.
December 7, 2022
2nd Reading: I bumped this rating up to 5 stars so fast! It was even better the second time around. Now that my kids are a little older and I’ve experienced a little more - this book just hits home even harder. My one dislike from the first read was that he didn’t SPELL OUT any practicals for me. But I think I was missing the point a little bit. Part of parenting is trusting God and relying on him to help you in the moment and to give you the words to say. I have experienced this with my own kids since the last reading of this book. I’ll find myself in a situation and not know what to say. Until I say what’s being whispered in my heart and when all is said and done I’m like “yep thank you Lord, that’s what needed to be said.”
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The content of this book was 5⭐️ But I knocked a star for what I felt was missing. This book is not a How To parenting book, and I knew that going in. It’s a heart check, a gut punch, and a mindset shift. For the whole book I felt the author was hearing my heart’s cry as a parent. I get impatient. I get frustrated. I yell. But I know this can’t be right. I know that just obedience from my kids is not enough, not what they were put in my family for, but I need them to understand the Why. This book helped me to fit together the puzzle pieces of why I felt parts of my parenting were missing the mark - some days by miles. However. I really wish the author had spent a little time at the end of each chapter giving help as to how these conversations happen, especially “in the moment”, and what they may sound like. How do I talk about grace and mercy and pride and sinful nature with a toddler, a 10 year old, a teenager? Especially if it’s a “something just happened and I need to address it” moment. Perhaps some people can find their words more easily, but my personality is to ponder words for a very long time before they come out. So having some conversation starters ready to go for those moments would have been helpful to me.
But like I said, this book had great, truthful content. I think every Christian parent needs to grasp the concepts presented. I also loved that he pointed out how our relationship with our children mirrors our relationship with God. Our children need us endlessly like we need God endlessly. And the way we respond to our children should reflect the way God responds to us - with grace and mercy and love. But the only way to achieve that as a parent is with reliance on and help from Jesus. Our children are not an inconvenience, they are our Great Commission. They need Jesus like we need Jesus. If we could make our kids perfect on our own, there would have been no need for the cross.
I think this book would be a GREAT small group book to read together. I think there’s a lot of great talking points and experiences to be shared. The things I felt the book lacked I think could be found by discussing this book with other Christian parents.
I have a lot of underlines and flags in this book. I will definitely be rereading this over the years and I 100% recommend it!
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The content of this book was 5⭐️ But I knocked a star for what I felt was missing. This book is not a How To parenting book, and I knew that going in. It’s a heart check, a gut punch, and a mindset shift. For the whole book I felt the author was hearing my heart’s cry as a parent. I get impatient. I get frustrated. I yell. But I know this can’t be right. I know that just obedience from my kids is not enough, not what they were put in my family for, but I need them to understand the Why. This book helped me to fit together the puzzle pieces of why I felt parts of my parenting were missing the mark - some days by miles. However. I really wish the author had spent a little time at the end of each chapter giving help as to how these conversations happen, especially “in the moment”, and what they may sound like. How do I talk about grace and mercy and pride and sinful nature with a toddler, a 10 year old, a teenager? Especially if it’s a “something just happened and I need to address it” moment. Perhaps some people can find their words more easily, but my personality is to ponder words for a very long time before they come out. So having some conversation starters ready to go for those moments would have been helpful to me.
But like I said, this book had great, truthful content. I think every Christian parent needs to grasp the concepts presented. I also loved that he pointed out how our relationship with our children mirrors our relationship with God. Our children need us endlessly like we need God endlessly. And the way we respond to our children should reflect the way God responds to us - with grace and mercy and love. But the only way to achieve that as a parent is with reliance on and help from Jesus. Our children are not an inconvenience, they are our Great Commission. They need Jesus like we need Jesus. If we could make our kids perfect on our own, there would have been no need for the cross.
I think this book would be a GREAT small group book to read together. I think there’s a lot of great talking points and experiences to be shared. The things I felt the book lacked I think could be found by discussing this book with other Christian parents.
I have a lot of underlines and flags in this book. I will definitely be rereading this over the years and I 100% recommend it!
August 29, 2018
I LOVE this book. It has been tremendously helpful. Tripp is a master at identifying and subtle heart sins and clearly directing them toward the gospel. His writing does feel bogged down at times with all of his stories and illustrations. “Sally acted this way with her son,” “Billy never always threw a tantrum in the grocery store,” “Jamie couldn’t figure out how to get her daughter to spend less time on social media” and on and on and on. I felt free by the end to just skip large chunks to get to the meat of his chapters, which weren’t hard to find because Tripp is a good communicator. That little stylistic beef notwithstanding, this book is gold. If you’re reading this book as a parent, I’m going to go out on a limb and say you should probably start with chapter 13, and return to it as need be.
As an extra endorsement, I’ll just say this book has already shaped my thinking and intentionality with my parenting, and I have been blown away by the how my 3 year old is beginning to grasp his sin. I praise God for this resource in my family’s life.
As an extra endorsement, I’ll just say this book has already shaped my thinking and intentionality with my parenting, and I have been blown away by the how my 3 year old is beginning to grasp his sin. I praise God for this resource in my family’s life.
December 17, 2021
The initial principles of this book are fantastic. If you read the introduction alone, you’ll get the idea...and it’s a good one.
However, as a book, it just doesn’t work in my opinion. It’s one of those many examples of books that should have been a brilliant single blog post or article but has been stretched to breaking point to hit a word count. Every chapter is almost identical and a serious drag by the end. There are many, many dull stories that do very little to support the content other than pad out reading time.
I always feel wretched giving a Christian book (intended to serve the Church) a negative review, so I want to wholeheartedly thank Tripp for his incredible contributions to the kingdom of God and pray that it long continues. Having said that, I’d recommend looking for a sermon or article that covers some of this helpful content more succinctly.
However, as a book, it just doesn’t work in my opinion. It’s one of those many examples of books that should have been a brilliant single blog post or article but has been stretched to breaking point to hit a word count. Every chapter is almost identical and a serious drag by the end. There are many, many dull stories that do very little to support the content other than pad out reading time.
I always feel wretched giving a Christian book (intended to serve the Church) a negative review, so I want to wholeheartedly thank Tripp for his incredible contributions to the kingdom of God and pray that it long continues. Having said that, I’d recommend looking for a sermon or article that covers some of this helpful content more succinctly.
August 19, 2017
One of the best parenting books I've read. To get the most out of it, I highly recommend reading it with your spouse so you can discuss the concepts and remind yourself of the many solid truths in the book. I don't re-read very many books, but this is one I will return to.
October 13, 2017
Highly recommend to any parent. Will probably read once a year from here on out! Big takeaway: best tool for gospel parenting is understanding the gospel myself. Thankful for this reminder
July 31, 2023
The best biblical based parenting book I have ever read. It’s going to be one that I need to read every year!
October 27, 2025
There is so much wisdom in this book about how we must first allow ourselves to be parented by God before we can parent our children well. I know I will refer back to the content of this book often. It is slightly repetitive, but still worth the read in its entirety.
However, I think I disagree with Tripp in some ways in regard to how the nature of sin shows up in children. Yes, all children have sin nature, even as babies, but I would disagree with how and when he suggests it manifests itself. On the chapter on authority he talks about getting your baby to sleep only for them to wake up and cry as soon as you try to leave the room because they are determined to be in charge. At that stage a baby isn’t crying to usurp authority (that suggestion sounds ridiculous to me to be honest) but because they want comfort. He didn’t use these exact words, but this seems like he’s suggesting that a crying baby is trying to manipulate their parent? At that age? I just can’t agree with that.
However, that is the only instance he makes that kind of suggestion, and I truly do believe the rest of the book has amazing gospel-centered content on how to raise children. I’ll still give it 4 stars giving him the benefit of the doubt that I may have misunderstood that anecdote.
However, I think I disagree with Tripp in some ways in regard to how the nature of sin shows up in children. Yes, all children have sin nature, even as babies, but I would disagree with how and when he suggests it manifests itself. On the chapter on authority he talks about getting your baby to sleep only for them to wake up and cry as soon as you try to leave the room because they are determined to be in charge. At that stage a baby isn’t crying to usurp authority (that suggestion sounds ridiculous to me to be honest) but because they want comfort. He didn’t use these exact words, but this seems like he’s suggesting that a crying baby is trying to manipulate their parent? At that age? I just can’t agree with that.
However, that is the only instance he makes that kind of suggestion, and I truly do believe the rest of the book has amazing gospel-centered content on how to raise children. I’ll still give it 4 stars giving him the benefit of the doubt that I may have misunderstood that anecdote.
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