Stories I'd Tell in Bars

by Jen Lancaster

Unfiltered. Unapologetic. Older, but not wiser, Lancaster goes back to basics in this hilarious essay collection about everything from taking community policing classes to accidentally getting high with her waiter after a fancy dinner. These are the tales she'd tell if she met you in a bar... if she weren't too lazy to put on pants and go to a bar. Offering advice ranging from how to remain happily married to a man who refuses to blow his damn nose already to not creating An Incident at the cheese counter during an attempt at Whole30, she's you, only louder. As she details the chaos that will surely ensue if she has to learn to operate one more television remote control, you'll want to settle in and pour yourself a tall one. Because what's more fun than hearing a friend share her favorite stories?

Genres: Memoir, Humor, Nonfiction, Audiobook, Essays, Chick Lit, Short Stories

334 pages, Paperback

First published July 25, 2017

About the author

Jen Lancaster is the author of her own memoirs including: as Bitter is the New Black, Bright Lights, Big Ass, Such A Pretty Fat, Pretty in Plaid, My Fair Lazy, and the newest: Jeneration X.

She has also dabbled with fiction in her first book, If You Were Here.

Reviews

[Theresa Alan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I listened to this on audiobook and thought it started out promising, but for me, devolved into something I could no longer identify with at all, or, alternatively, identified with too much. She spends too much time concerning herself with her weight, which I already do also. I’m a short woman who keeps annoyingly getting older, and being a comfortable weight gets harder and harder. If I’m already spending too much time lamenting in my own mind how hard maintaining a healthy weight is, I don’t want to endlessly listen to someone else bitching about it.

She also spends way too much time talking about shows I’ve heard of but wouldn’t spend a nanosecond of my time watching. Why do I want endless commentary on these shows I don’t care about at all? It could have been the delivery of the reader—this may have been more hilarious if I’d read it myself, but eventually I was just annoyed and gave up.

[Torrie · Rating 3 out of 5]

The content is typical entertaining Jen Lancaster. But the typos and grammatical errors were hard to overlook.

[britt_brooke · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Editors said no one wanted my brand of humor anymore; levity and fun were out of style, like so many pair of harem pants. Readers sought a deep emotional dive now. They wanted capital-I Issues."

Hats off to Jen for going out on her own and self-publishing this collection of personal essays. I think that's pretty badass! And I like to laugh. I don't need everything to be heavy, or to be the next feminist manifesto. There's nothing wrong with keeping it light.

My only complaint is that it could've really used some more editing. But for a $6.99 ebook, I'm satisfied. I still love her!

[Brandie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reminded me of her first few memoirs that I loved. I laughed constantly while reading this book. Loved it.

[Fluff Smut & Murder · Rating 5 out of 5]

Boo! Hiss!! to the editors and publishers who say the world doesn’t need another Jen Lancaster memoir book! Did the world NEED as many witty offerings by Dave Barry or yet ANOTHER Far Side Gallery? I think not. Does this girl NEED another Jen Lancaster memoir? Heck yes – my Mother’s Day 2017 was for crap since I wasn’t getting my hands on her latest so I could laugh at someone else’s family for a change. As I look at my bookshelves – the only books I actually keep belong to Jen Lancaster (relax – everything else is donated to my local library). The only books I re-read (with the exception of The Phantom Tollbooth)? Jen Lancaster. The only author I follow on Social Media and pray comes to the West Coast every book tour? Yep – you catch on fast. Just like those who must read everything James Patterson or Danielle Steel does(n’t) write, I am a Jen Lancaster devotee. Am I completely disappointed that her publishing imprint only now sees her as the sarcastic voice of YA novels? Well yes – I HATE Y.A. but you know darn well I’ve pre-ordered The Gatekeepers because its Jen.

What I loved: The Italics instead of the footnotes – stellar! While this is the first time I’ve read Jen as an e-book (must still purchase physical copy so I can take with my other 6 she hasn’t autographed yet!), I had heard that this format wasn’t kind to footnotes. As I do admit, even when reading the physical text I don’t always see the superscript (subscript? Its been too long since college) or I read them first because I’m worried that I’m going to forget about them, blah blah blah. Anyways – the italics work. All of the essays were pretty terrific as well – Pooleyball was a favorite – I’m thinking we will be adopting it for our pool next year. This collection is Vintage Jen with Current Jen and its pretty awesome (and the Bonus Content kicks ass – Will use my next birthday wish to pray for it to come to life!).

What I didn’t love: So I was a little disappointed about the Lily Pulitzer and dieting essays. Not because of how they were written, or subject matter, or they weren’t funny. I had just already heard these stories because I follow Jen Lancaster on Facebook.

What I learned: She’s still got it.

Overall Grade: A-

www.FluffSmutandMurder.com

[Furrawn · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book is laugh out loud funny. I read many pages aloud to hubby who laughed as much as I did. When I got to the part about TINY HOUSES, I was in tears from laughter. I saved the TINY HOUSE part on my kindle. I copied it into my NOTES app. Hilarious.

My attention got a bit lost in a couple of places like descriptions of poolyball, but that’s not the writer’s fault. It’s me. It’s like reading about football. No reason. It’s just that with some subjects, my mind runs away and leaves me blank-stared trying to concentrate.

I totally get the dog Hammie leaning. My dog does that, too. She is the first dog to lean on me, and it still tickles me as much now as it did the first time.

I couldn’t read the screenplay. I hate screenplays.

All in all, reading this book made me laugh repeatedly... I’m about the same age as the writer and loved her comments about how Xers are treated.

Maybe Boomers are old enough that they get a pass from younger generations? But Xers could live for fifty more years so we don’t. If the younger generations Logan Run us all, there’ll be empty jobs and empty houses.

Not very fair though... and exceedingly short-sighted. The oldest members of the millennial tribe are about to turn 40. Really 50 doesn’t feel any different than 40. The point being if a group thinks another group is worthless because of their age, do they not realize they will also get older? It happens.

Anyway, diatribe over. The book is going to make you laugh no matter what age you are. If you’re an Xer, you’re going to laugh even more. Now THERE is a screenplay Jen Lancaster should write: Life as an Xer in this day and age. The show “Younger” is funny, but I’m positive Jen Lancaster would be funnier...

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

**Notice: The below isn't so much a review as it is a pen-pal letter to one of my favorite writers.
My actual review is that this book is 5-star laugh out loud fun with stories from real life that will draw you in and make you feel like you are best friends with Ms. Lancaster. I have read many other books in this memoir/life stories/look-at-my-crazy-take-on-things genre, but Ms. Lancaster does it better than anyone. This is a great summer/beach/travel read that will make you sad when it's done because you will want more. Way to Go Jen! Excellent job.**

"Dear Jen - I would happily sit in a bar with you and listen to your stories all day.

Thank you for returning to your memoir roots [although don't give up on the fiction - see recent review for 'Best of Enemies' (and CAN NOT wait for 'The Gatekeepers' (although after learning what the source material is, and having a teen daughter, my heart hurts))] and giving us a glimpse into Jennsylvania and how you live in it with such wit, sarcasm, cynicism, and heart I just know we would be 'BFFs' (& TTF's).

My favorite bits are the Whole30 chapter (having done one in February - Valentine's Day just isn't the same w/out wine and chocolate cake to go with my grass fed steak), the Mom's weekend chapter (I will get to experience my first Mom's Weekend at my alma mater this spring with my daughter and BFFs from college who also have kids at the same school), explaining how you become the 'Jen Lancaster Show' when nervous (pretty sure my husband would say I do the same), and the Yacht Rock discussion. [Having discovered that channel last year on Sirius changes the summer vibe entirely. How is it that I can remember every word to a song I haven't heard in 30+ years, yet can't remember what I left a room for w/out having to go back in said room and think really hard? & P.S. - Miller High Life Is.The.Best.Summer.Beer]

So to my point with all the parentheses and brackets, is that your stories are so relatable it is like we are reading about ourselves. Don't worry about catering to the millennial's or to what big publishing editors say, there at a lot of us 40-something Gen X's out here who like to laugh-out-loud and relate to what we read. Life is too short not to laugh at yourself or with your friends (or to drink McGrigios, which I am definitely going to make a thing).

Thank you for putting this work out there and having the chutzpa to do it on your own. Yes, there are some editing/grammatical errors, but that didn't bother me at all (Hell, there are probably a few in this...). It just made it seem that much more real and relatable. Sort of like I was let into a secret club and was getting to read it before anyone else. As a fan, this is just what we 'Jennsylvanians' needed. Thank you (and Fletch too) for letting us see behind your 'Oz' curtain for our entertainment. Looking forward to what else is to come (Podcast!?!?! - sign me up. :-) )

Sincerely yours - Karen M."

[Obsidian · Rating 4 out of 5]

I do love Jen Lancaster's memoirs. For the most part I have enjoyed them all, though there were two I was pretty meh about after finishing. This one gets four stars from me, I deducted a star because she includes her script for a housewife dramedy that I guess she pitched to people in Hollywood. It just felt like a lazy way for her to end her memoir. I needed a better wrap up than the one she gave us readers.

Now that Lancaster is almost 50, she seems way more laid back and pragmatic about her upbringing and how that affected her as an adult.

We get more details about her wedding day to Fletch (her husband) and I found myself sympathizing with her. We also get to read about her newfound pushes to lose weight and eat healthy. We also got a hilarious story (sorry it happened!) about her and her friends trip to Italy with the worst tour ever. Let's just say fleabites were involved.

What I really enjoyed about this one is that if you have been reading Jen for a long time there are a lot of callbacks to earlier incidents so it was nice to read the other side of things, and or find out what happened after something is brought up in a book (i.e. Jen learning Italian).

I also get that Lancaster is dealing with a sense of not knowing where she belongs in the book community. She is writing YA books (I have not read those) and she wrote one book called "women's literature" that I thought was okay (By the Numbers). I think she sees a lot of new authors popping up via other means and doesn't know what to do since she's not the next new hot thing. I would suggest if she still loves to do it, keep writing her memoirs. And also, I wouldn't be in a hurry to tap into a market. I would just write what she knows/likes and see where she can go from. Not every book is going to be "The Hate U Give" kind of awesome.

As I said above, I was not thrilled with the last 12 percent of the book just being her script for a television show. I don't know what she or her editor were thinking. It just felt lazy and I can now see why some readers were not that happy with this one. If I exclude that last 12 percent this would have been a 5 star book, with it, it's only 4 stars.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This memoir was more like the old school Jen Lancaster, from her first few books. I have to say though, and this might not bother most people, the e-book had so many typos in it that it became distracting. The section on the citizen police academy alone had so many I was ready to quit - even though the story was interesting/funny. I know she self-published, but you could see the difference in the lack of thorough editing. There is also a "bonus" at the end of a tv pilot/script she was working on that I could not get through. But overall, it was a worthwhile read for the first section.

[Kristen · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was disappointing. It was mildly amusing, but it wasn't nearly as interesting as the description made it sound. It's yet another self-deprecating, aren't-my-neuroses-hilarious collection of essays and nothing stood out about any of them.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read EVERYTHING by this author but her memoirs are the best. While some of the stories were somewhat repetitive (from Facebook), she can certainly tell a good story.

[Kira FlowerChild · Rating 3 out of 5]

If, when Jen Lancaster talked with her publishers about this book, she insisted on including her script for a potential TV series at the end of it, I can understand why they turned it down. Jen, I love your memoirs, but fiction is not your strong suit. I've tried to read other - well, one other - novel written by her. Same as with the script - three pages and I'm done.

The memoir, on the other hand, is just as funny as her previous memoirs. That's why I'm giving this book three stars instead of two, as I did when I started writing this review immediately after finishing the book. Well, to be honest, I didn't finish it. I skipped to the end of the script, hoping there was more after. There isn't. I was so turned off and disappointed by the script I felt that giving it two stars was generous. But the script is not the bulk of the book, so I won't judge it on that alone. I did enjoy the memoir, even literally laughed out loud at some of it. That's why I keep reading Jen Lancaster books.

For those reviewers who complained of typos and misspellings - apparently Jen has gone through and corrected those. I am an editor, I've done plenty of line editing, and trust me, errors jump out at me. I found very few, if any. So to future readers - that is not a problem.

[Kim Bongiorno · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life is hard. Laughing doesn't have to be.

These stories ranged from uproarious to touching and everything in between, each one leaving me feeling like I was a part of Jen's inner circle. Whether she was making up a new sport with her husband, obsessing over an online shopping opportunity, hanging out with the neighbors, wrangling her plethora of pets, or traveling with friends on a trip that will make you need one thousand showers, the author was engaging and entertaining, always making sure that she was the punchline, the butt of the joke. I finished more quickly than I had hoped, and expect I'll pop this one open again one day when I find myself needing to escape into a happy, belly-laughing, heartfelt place once more.

This one is the salve many of us need to escape into right now. Pick it up today.

[Robin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reading Jen Lancaster is like getting a visit from an old friend, and hearing her take on what's new in the world. Even when you can't relate to the object of her commentary (a tv show you haven't watched) her take on it remains interesting. I laughed out loud more than once. Lancaster says her editors told her people no longer liked light humor on the details of life. They want a younger point of view. Thank heaven Lancaster had the brains to ignore them and self-publish! I hope she writes more in this vein

[Caryne · Rating 2 out of 5]

Two stars due to the many, many typos. Nearly every other page, there was a typo and after awhile, that really annoyed me. How did this get past the editing team?! My theory is that she wanted this book out quickly to promote other projects she has coming out soon.

[Lindsey · Rating 4 out of 5]

I just really love her memoirs and I will read everything she ever writes.

[Danielle · Rating 3 out of 5]

Another fun read from Jen Lancaster. At first I felt like there wasn’t a theme to this book, and that random stories were slapped together to try to make a buck. But the there is a theme: each story deals with aging, and how the author is dealing with moving into the latter half of her life, wondering how to stay relevant as an author while still being herself.

Definitely not her best, but I still had a decent time. I do take issue with how obsessed she remains with appearing younger and losing weight. Very out of tune with the rest of the book. Not a fan of reading chapters entrenched in diet culture but with a “it’s for my health” BS. She owns up to vanity being a driver for her, but still lacks some self-awareness in my opinion.

[Christine · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was an endless list of complaints about how the author doesn’t get her way. I thought this book would be funny and it was far from it. I don’t even know why anyone thought this was interesting enough to even be published.

[Sarah James Morgan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this! Fun, witty, and even deep at times. I like books where each chapter stands alone and I don't feel pressure to read straight through or finish before starting something else.

[Barb Randazzo Foley · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5

[Krista · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not bad. More of a 3.5 with the spelling mistakes, but they weren't as bad as I was led to believe. Some stories were duds, but others had me LOL. The bonus material at the end wasn't my thing, but good luck to Jen with that endeavour.

[Mary E. Gilmore · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5/5 As a follower of Jen's Instagram account, I was thrilled by the promise of this memoir: a "welcome back to Jennsylvania." To be fair, several chapters delivered on that promise. And then they didn't. In the beginning I could hear Jen's voice in my head. However, the further along I read, the more I felt that Jen lost her way with this one. [There's a Google Maps joke here somewhere.] I wasn't laughing as much as I had hoped. In fact, one chapter made me cry. All good. Darn you, Jen, and your generous random act of kindness.

The biggest disappointment for me? The typos and grammatical errors. Tough to overlook.

This one left me stranded on the outskirts of Jennsylvania. With a little more attention to detail and self-editing, this memoir would have arrived at its intended destination.

All of that said, I'm still along for the ride and look forward to all that Jen has in store for her dear readers.

[Nadine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Vintage Jen Lancaster - snort out loud stories along with a good dose of trying to be the best person you can be (with a little snark thrown in for good measure). Reading it made me happy.

[Samantha · Rating 3 out of 5]

3 1/2 stars -The first 50% of this book was funny and exactly the Jen Lancaster I'd been missing! Funny made me giggle out loud more than a few times. The next 30% was okay not funny, a little dry but not uninteresting. The last 20% while the intro to it was cool did not pay off for me and I largely skipped through it. I applaud the fact that this was self published there are some edits that were missed but didn't ruin it for me. I hope that we will get more memoirs like this in the future

[Kassandra · Rating 2 out of 5]

I've been a long time fan of Jen's work, dating all the way back to Such a Pretty Fat and Jennsylvania mania. Back then, I found her humour to be edgy and her stories were full of content to which I could relate. Over the years, and as her popularity and success grew, I found my enjoyment of her work was on a gradual decline. This has been especially true in the last two books.

Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy the way she writes, and find her voice to be unique, but I no longer find her edgy nor relatable. I found myself thinking many times throughout this book that she and I just don't have anything in common anymore. For me, her writing has gone completely in the direction of upper middle class Caucasian who is quite happily out of touch with those of us that do not fall into her social status. This will likely be my last read of her work, and I have to say, I'm quite sad to bid her farewell but life is too short to read things you don't enjoy. Thanks for the Memories, Jen.

[Lori Foley · Rating 4 out of 5]

I haven't read Jen Lancaster in a while, but have mostly loved her memoirs. This one did not disappoint - I especially enjoyed the last chapter where she talks about taking a class with the Lake Forest PD, including a ride-along AND the chapters where Fletch gets the last word. The last 30 pages are a script for a TV show episode, which was a little harder read (because it's written as a script).

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

She's BACK! This book is Jen doing what she does best: memoir. Hilarious, witty, fun true life stories. Is this great literature? No it's not. Am I going to remember most of the book months after I read it? No. However, is she somebody I would love to hang out with or have at a party? Hell yeah. She makes life seem more fun, and you vicariously feel like you are having more fun just by reading her memoir. Then, we get to page 267 (at least in the Kindle version) and it all goes downhill. She had been giving her husband tiny paragraphs to write after each chapter. I'm not sure why. After the final chapter of memoir he writes a 2 1/2 page, utterly useless story about losing his iPhone. He rips off his wife's writing style, but adds a bitchy edge, criticizing anyone who doesn't live within Chicago's 60 mile radius. Well, I'm sure he'd absolutely hate me because I live in Rockford. I guess he would consider that almost to Utah. Then, after that, she completely blindsides us by giving us part of a television script. I forced myself to read one page of it and, just like all of her fiction, I couldn't give two shits about the characters. I don't care for her fiction, and I don't appreciate that sneaky filler. She says she has more living to do before writing anymore true life stories, but she could make a story out of taking out the garbage (in fact, she has). It's too bad, because the first 7/8 of the book are fantastic. Jen, good luck with your television script. If that's the way you need to try to become rich and famous, more power to you. You deserve more riches just because of how well you write. However, I won't be watching the show. Please give us more memoir after you've lived a little bit more. I still love you.

[Ren · Rating 3 out of 5]

First, the good: This is vintage Jen Lancaster. As with any memoir of this type, some stories are bigger hits than others, but overall, it was an enjoyable read. If you've read and enjoyed her past memoirs, you'll likely enjoy this one as well.

Now, the bad: This book was truly in need of a good proofreader. There are far too many typos and grammatical errors. I love that Jen decided to self-publish when the publishers asked her to be someone different to appeal to Millennials. Not everything needs to be heavy (they wanted bigger issues), nor does every form of media need to cater to Millennials. There are a lot of us reading books who aren't in that age bracket. So, good for her for sticking to being herself. Next time though? Spring for a good proofreader, please.

As for the "bonus" material at the end? Not really a fan, but then I haven't been a big fan of her fiction writing. She wrote a dramedy pilot screenplay and describes it as similar to several tv shows, none of which I watch/watched so not really a surprise I didn't love it.

[Sarah Piper · Rating 5 out of 5]

Okay I’m just going to get this out of the way first: not super crazy about the “bonus” section ... and yet I’m now slightly invested in these girls and I kind of want to see Hayden on screen.

That being said ... the actual book: hilarious! I now want to be neighbors of Jen and Fletch so they can come over to my house and I never go to theirs.

“While love is patient, love is kind, and love never fails, sometimes love is hating the exact same thing at the exact same time.”

This is how I want my love life to be:
“The key is not to be a person who doesn’t suck because that’s impossible. The key is to be part of a couple who takes turns sucking equally.”
I mean isn’t that really what love is all about? Equality?!

I just love her humor and her raw openness. Looking forward to reading through her other books. Glad she decided to self-publish so we didn’t miss out on this amazing gem.

[Jenna · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m a fan of Jen Lancaster’s non-fiction books. (sorry, i tried but didn't like her fiction ones)
She’s relatable & funny. Good stories.
The cool thing about this one was that her husband Fletch adds in some comments at the end of the chapters. You can tell that Fletch also has a great sense of humor. And he really is the Desi to her Lucy.

While I didn’t laugh out loud as much with this book as I have her others, it was still an enjoyable read.

I did this partly on audio & partly on ebook. Not sure if it's included in the print format, but the ebook had bonus material at the end. It was the script for the pilot episode of a tv show she pitched.
"Housemoms" about the older women who are employed as the "chaperone/house mom" for sorority houses. Eh...it was eh...
i get what she was aiming for so i like to think that the actual show would pick up more on the dark humor. (ie. desperate housewives style)