Making Peace with Autism: One Family's Story of Struggle, Discovery, and Unexpected Gifts

by Susan Senator

Receiving a diagnosis of autism is a major crisis for parents and families, who often feel as if their world has come to an end. In this insightful narrative, a courageous and inspiring mother explains why a diagnosis of autism doesn't have to shatter a family's dreams of happiness. Senator offers the hard-won, in-the-trenches wisdom of someone who's been there and is still there today and she demonstrates how families can find courage, contentment, and connection in the shadow of autism.

In Making Peace with Autism, Susan Senator describes her own journey raising a child with a severe autism spectrum disorder, along with two other typically developing boys. Without offering a miracle treatment or cure, Senator offers valuable strategies for coping successfully with the daily struggles of life with an autistic child.

Along the way she models the combination of stamina and courage, openness, and humor that has helped her family to survive and even to thrive. Topics include: the agony of diagnosis, grieving and acceptance, finding the right school program, helping siblings with their struggles and concerns, having fun together, and keeping the marriage strong.

Genres: Autistic Spectrum Disorder, Nonfiction, Memoir, Parenting, Mental Health, Family

271 pages, Paperback

First published August 30, 2005

Reviews

[stephanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

what i appreciate most about this book is that it honestly looks at a family with a difficult case of autism, and doesn't shy away from any of the difficult things, or any of the easy things. senator takes joy in the small things and gets frustrated with some small things, and all in all you know she's telling the truth.

she doesn't candy-coat any of it - nat is a difficult child and they have to work hard with him. i also appreciate the fact that i can understand now why families with one developmentally disabled child choose to risk all and have more children - and it's not just to "have a 'normal' child" the way some people say. i appreciated the notes of sibling interaction and the way they tried to balance out the family, the way they had to work to keep the marriage together, and how despite everything, there was still hope and joy in the love they all shared for each other.

this was the best, most uncompromising portrait of autism spectrum disorders and their effects on the family unit that i have come across. i really, really appreciated that, and would recommend this over so many other books that might give hope - but make light of how difficult it can be.

(of course, it's not all difficult, and there is joy - and this book has a nice balance.)

[Kathy · Rating 3 out of 5]

One of the most brutally honest books I've read...the author's first child is diagnosed as autistic at age 2 although she suspects/denies his condition for over a year beforehand. This is definitely a how-to guide for parents of autistic children with lots of specific advice in separate boxes on the page about things that have worked for Susan Senator's family. I was most impressed by her openness about her feelings and how she & her husband worked through them. She was able to convey her deep love & commitment for her son despite the daily (sometimes hourly!) frustrations he brings to their lives.

[Laurie · Rating 4 out of 5]

My only child is on the autism spectrum so for several years after his diagnosis I read scientific documents on autism and books on various therapies. What I could not stand to read were the "triumph over autism," "my child is such a quirky genius," " we are such a great family" memoirs. This genre did nothing for me except to trigger my feelings of inadequacy as a parent as well as my guilt over not being able to feel love for this difficult little boy I had birthed. But something about this title struck me as a message of acceptance because in 2005 when this was published I was desperate for a process I could latch onto to find my way to make peace with autism. Ms. Senator is one of those high-energy, leading the fight kind of parents that I usually hang around with, yet she was very able to communicate her personal and her family's frustrations, set backs and real triumphs in an honest and direct way. The message I received from the author is that acceptance of a child's autism is possible even when you don't like it; that it's perfectly OK not to feel positive all the time and most importantly that the process of acceptance will lead to a greater understanding and dare I say it-love, for a difficult child. The chapter on her son's Bar Mitzvah is alone worth the price of the book. How the author observes herself pulling on her son to perform up to her expectations and then consciously let's go into whatever will be... for me it was a lesson I call Buddhist parenting 101.

[William Cunion · Rating 4 out of 5]

Memoir of one family’s (very familiar) struggle with autism, and how they have (partially) come to terms with it. Well-written book, with lots of poignant moments, though some violations of privacy IMO, also. The story sometimes feels a little too personal – like she could have told their story without revealing quite so much about their lives (e.g., her husband’s therapy, her son’s issues with “privacy,” and the like). But on balance, a fine book, with a very strong closing chapter. As she describes her son Nat’s bar mitzvah, it is hard not to get emotional as the reader deeply shares her joy. I liked that the story did not have a nice, neat conclusion, in which all turns out well – that just wouldn’t be real. Instead, the book ends with the message that this is the life you have, this is family you have, and you need to make the most of it, you need to make peace with it. Sometimes, that will be impossible (more than once, she openly shares her grief about missing out on the boy she imagines), and life will always be harder than it should. But all is not lost. And that’s a message I can identify with.

[Iamshadow · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think I quite liked this one, but to be honest it was a while ago, so I don't really remember it. I did find it interesting that her youngest son (supposedly NT) who has the most in common with Nat (her autistic eldest son) has mild autistic characteristics himself - his perfectionism, his 'focussed' attention span to projects, etc. though not enough to be considered on the spectrum himself. Another good example of a/A characteristics sometimes obviously being inherited family 'traits', as in Not Even Wrong by Paul Collins.

[Linda M · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought that I'd pick this up for someone else's story. I find that she has written mine, and she's honest.

I wrote the 2 previous sentences caught up in the flush of identifying with another person and their struggles. Senator certainly has shockingly similar life events and feelings as I do. Her challenges were tremendous, though, and I felt that her book was titled poorly. The "Unexpected Gifts" didn't seem to have equal time as the "Struggle." I wanted encouragement and found myself feeling discouraged and worried about my Jack.

I went to Senator's website and discovered that at 18 her son no longer could live at home with his family.


It will be a long time until I pick up another "Let's All Feel Good About Autism" book.

[Carol C · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's hard to separate my feelings for this book from my personal experience. It's not that my son is so much like the author's son, but that many of our experiences in the early days (just before and after diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder) are similar. As the saying goes, "When you know one child with autism, you know one child with autism." Each child is so different, but parental experience often seem so much the same. So, it was interesting to read of and relate to the author's experiences. I'm not sure if I would have enjoyed the book had I not had some personal experience related to autism.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was hoping for more, but can't say what was missing.
This family has financial resources to buy support many of us don't have. This is great for her son, but not helpful advice for other families that have to work the system to get help for their children.
Around page 200, found some similarities to our own life. You do gain insight from how siblings explain each other. In the end, no one's life is perfect and you play the hand you're dealt as best you can.
I will check out her "survival guide" next.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author is very frank about her feelings and experiences with her autistic son. She obviously loves him and has done a creditable job as the parent of a difficult, disabled, and mystifying kid. But she is often annoying. She takes her upper-middle-class privileged life very much for granted. She also slips into a Pollyanna-ish attitude of "Yes, we've had problems, but we figured it all out and are so very happy and functional now." (My guess is that she's always had that attitude between crises and setbacks.)

[Ruth Conrad · Rating 4 out of 5]

Susan Senator is a good writer and a good mother to her three sons, one of whom has autism. I like her informative, easy-to-read style and her honesty in sharing all the every-day events of her difficult life. I admire what she has accomplished.

[Hiroshi Miya · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have aspergers and felt I could relate to this book so well. Trying to learn and understand people and lifes challenges is hard for one with a ASD.
Families struggle to raise a autistic child and this author was able to express the challenges vwry well.

[Sarah-may · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gave me lots of good ideas to try with our son. Was easy to identify with her being a mum to 3 boys and how to juggles the needs of all and maintain a marriage.

[Dolcie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Susan Senator’s Making Peace with Autism: One family’s story of struggle, discovery, and unexpected gifts is a story about a family’s unique experience with autism from the mother’s point of view. From dealing with the gut-wrenching feeling that something was not right with her son, to the heartbreaking diagnosis, the arduous process of finding the most efficacious interventions, the exhausting behaviors that wreak havoc on the family, and even on to acceptance of life with autism, Senator delivers a detailed account that allows the reader to delve into her family’s life as they navigate the many aspects of autism. Not all readers may relate to every one of Senator’s experiences, but she gives helpful, practical advice that could potentially help another family who is dealing with autism feel empowered. Whether you have a child with autism, know someone who has autism or simply have no experience in dealing with autism, I recommend you read this book. It will increase your awareness and give you a unique perspective into one family’s life with autism. Perhaps you will feel encouraged to share your own experiences with autism that in turn may be beneficial to someone in your community.

[Melissa Wilson · Rating 2 out of 5]

The family's story wasn't very helpful to me, but that's just me.

The parts that were helpful where boxed and shaded gray through out the book.

"How to prepare fr IEP meetings, how to handle the initial school placement, what the family learned from school placements, how to set up tutoring in the home, deciding on whether or not to use medication, tips on leaving your child with others, suggestions on finding the right school program for your child, how to cover your bases when you child is sent home often with disruptive behavior."

[Asher · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was not one of those quick-cure books where with the right diet, drug or 12-step behavior program autism is solved. Instead we get to see how a family struggles to mitigate their son's autism as much as possible. We see how he relates to his younger brothers and the outside world. I felt like I found a lot of insight here, and practical help, should I ever need it.

[Chrissy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed reading about Nat's life with autism and how his family has learned about it and special education in general along the way. It doesn't give a cure-all for autism, because one doesn't exist, but it provides one account of what has worked for one family. Highly reccomended reading for anyone touched by autism.

[Tricia · Rating 3 out of 5]

mother's description of life with a son with autism. spans from her pregnancy to his adolescence and involves her marriage and two younger sons who do not have autism. candid. helpful for understanding of how parents of children with autism struggle and cope.

[Pamela · Rating 4 out of 5]

Informative perspective of a mother dealing with her child being diagnosed with Autism. Helpful information to other parents and families on how to navigate school systems, IEP language, and special programs.

[Alicia Hart · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was one of the first books I had ever read about autism after my son was diagnosed. I loved it then and I love it now. It is a timeless piece and one of the reasons that I still follow Susan's work today!

[Toria Burrell-Hrencecin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very helpful, well-written, honest + poignant.

[Deshia Cook]

Yes! I finished it. This book was informative and encouraging. It was definitely a useful tool in helping a person with autism.

[Jan Cuadra · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very realistic account of living with autism. Could not stop reading this book.

[Meaghan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wonderful insight into my work. Simply written.

[Kate]

From neurotribes
Acceptance rather than martyrdom or resignation for severe chronic illness

[Mark Andrew Roberts · Rating 4 out of 5]

Like reading a snapshot of my home life with two boys on the spectrum. And quite graphic illustrations of how attempting to do “normal” things as a family can be literally impossible depending on how a day is going in their headspace.

[Jan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tells the story of how a family copes with an autistic son.