Asking for a Friend: Three Centuries of Advice on Life, Love, Money, and Other Burning Questions from a Nation Obsessed

by Jessica Weisberg

A delightful history of Americans' obsession with advice -- from Poor Richard to Dr. Spock to Miss Manners

Americans, for all our talk of pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps, obsessively seek advice on matters large and small. Perhaps precisely because we believe in bettering ourselves and our circumstances in life, we ask for guidance constantly. And this has been true since our nation's earliest from the colonial era on, there have always been people eager to step up and offer advice, some of it lousy, some of it thoughtful, but all of it read and debated by generations of Americans.

Jessica Weisberg takes readers on a tour of the advice-givers who have made their names, and sometimes their fortunes, by telling Americans what to do. You probably don't want to follow all the advice they proffered. Eating graham crackers will not make you a better person, and wearing blue to work won't guarantee a promotion. But for all that has changed in American life, it's a comfort to know that our hang-ups, fears, and hopes have not. We've always loved seeking advice -- so long as it's anonymous, and as long as it's clear that we're not asking for ourselves; we're just asking for a friend.

Genres: Nonfiction, History, Self Help, Audiobook, Book Club, Adult

320 pages, Hardcover

First published April 3, 2018

About the author

Jessica Weisberg's writing has appeared in the New Yorker, New York Times, Harper's, and Atavist, among other publications, and been nominated for a National Magazine Award in public interest journalism.

Reviews

[thefourthvine · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love advice columns — I read them, I consider them, and sometimes I shriek with my friends on Twitter about the best/worst of them. I’ve learned that 50% of advice column letters boil down to, “I have the best relationship with my partner except for this one thing where he is an eagle who pecks out my liver. How do I make him not an eagle, or at least not a liver-eater?” I’ve learned that there are the “please give me permission to do the thing I shouldn’t do” letters and the “please give me the impetus to do the thing we both know I really need to do.” And then there are the weird ones, the letters that make it all worthwhile.

But I never really think about the advice *givers* very much. They’re all reasonably empathetic people who are willing to spend a lot of their time telling people to dump their partner already, and that’s pretty much where my analysis stops. Or where it did stop. Reading this book changed that.

These are profiles of 16 advice-givers past and present, some of whom gave or give general life advice, some of whom focus or focused on a specific area (marriage, parenting, finances). And they are FASCINATING. Among other things, I learned that Lord Chesterfield’s Letters to His Son were published because he was a dick and were a runaway bestselling *hateread*, and that Benjamin Franklin invented the BuzzFeed style. (Weisberg doesn’t say that, but it is strongly implied. The man wrote listicles! Humorous ones! In character! Seriously, he was a BuzzFeed writer out of time.) I learned about the asshole that invented advice columns and the astronomer who guided the Reagans. I learned about Dr. Spock’s turn for liberalism and the hippie lifestyle. And I had fun.

And that’s what this comes down to. This book isn’t rigorous — a rigorous examination of advice givers would be, uh, QUITE a bit longer, I suspect — but it’s a fun, light read. Suitable for anyone who has ever given or gotten advice, but especially for anyone who, like me, just loves advice columns for the spectacle.

[Jenny Jo Weir · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm usually not huge on "self-help" books, but this one was surprisingly intriguing. It was not boring in the least, and even thought there are a few obvious things mentioned, most of the material was delivered in a manner new and refreshing. Great read!

[Alexandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

Asking for a Friend is a thoughtful exploration of advice givers and their 'advice literature' in American history. I loved the chapter on Joan Quigley, an astrologer who advised the Reagans throughout their presidency. It's a completely brilliant way to rethink American history, by tracing the emotional needs and questions of ordinary Americans.

[Mehrsa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I learned a lot from this book, but it felt like it was missing something. There are a lot of these topical history books that weave together a bunch of different stories from different time periods. The best ones extract some useful wisdom or analysis. They say something or reveal some truth through the telling. This one just laid out the stories and makes the reader do the work. The stories were interesting, but I wish that the book had gone through a few more drafts so that the author could have expressed a more clear thesis.

[Kaethe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well, that was fun and enlightening. I love etiquette books, and am neutral on advice columnists in general except for Daniel Ortberg's Dear Prudence. But then there's that whole other aspect: the how-to-do-anything-better field is one I appreciate. Paradoxically, I have never been a fan of the Self-Help book genre. Yes, I think there is a great deal we can all learn from the billions of other people in the world, many of whom have struggled with the same issues and also, at the same time, skeptical of the idea that reading a book is ever going to really turn anyone's life around. Mari Kondo has much to teach me about how to best put things away, for example, but neither her book nor show is going to convince me to spend a month finding every book in the house and putting it into one big pile in order to hold each one and wait for the spirit to move me in a joy spark or not way.
Much of the historical stuff was completely unknown to me. I had heard of Poor Richard's Almanack, but knew next to nothing about Franklin or his publishing. I knew of Graham, but Alcott was a surprise. Etcetera.
Clever and also entertaining.

Library copy

[Mark Mikula · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this illuminating survey of advice providers through the centuries. The lively biographies and accounts of events associated with the subjects made this really compelling for me. From Ben Franklin to Miss Manners to Quora users, the book covers a wide range of approaches to advice-giving set against a loose chronology from pre-colonial times through the present. I've read a handful of these types of books (To the Letter is another of my favorites) and really enjoyed the experience. Strongly recommended.

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

An well-researched look at the history of advice columns spanning the topics of manners, financial advice, love, child rearing, marriage, death, and etiquette. Sometimes the people who write these columns are more screwed up than the people seeking advice, but many of them, like Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, had seismic affects on the society they lived in changing people's perceptions of certain topics.

An interesting read and highly recommended.

[Scottsdale Public Library]

I am an advice column fanatic, so this book was right up my alley! It’s a wonderful blend of storytelling and history. I loved learning about the people giving advice (many of whom could have used some advice themselves) and how society’s mores and morals changed over the centuries, or sometimes even during the columnist’s writing career. Highly recommended even if you don’t read advice columns.
-- Lynn H.

[Leslie Jonsson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Neat look at the background of the people whose advice the public has taken over the years.

[Lily · Rating 2 out of 5]

This isn't really a self-help book, except one might get some advice that might pertain from past advice givers.
This is the history of people giving advice starting with John Dunton in the 1690's and progressing to the many social media sites that currently dispense advice.
Most of the people giving advice have no qualifications to be a professional advice-giver. Some are, or have been, psychologists, therapists, and the like. Some changed their tactics and advice in later years.
It was amusing to read about some of the advice given throughout the years. I learned that Dear Abby and Ann Landers were twin sisters that were really bound together until they were about 20; they then went their own ways and became estranged until the end of their lives.

[Jen Juenke · Rating 3 out of 5]

At first this book was a bit exciting. Why do we always seek out the advice of others? The author does a great bit of research on the history of advice givers. Yet I felt the book was incomplete. I would have liked to see each genre of advice givers featured. For instance, Dr. Ruth for sex, Dr Phil for TV, etc. The author was limited in her scope of focusing on Dorthea Dix and Ann Landers, and Dear Abbby, while forgetting some of the other genres. Yet, the author acknowledges that she could have written about more advice givers, I contend that the author should have organized the book better and included some of the pioneers. Overall a good overview, but missed the mark.

[Lecy Beth · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is less about the advice and more about the advice givers, delving into the lives and experience (or lack thereof) each of the subjects Weisberg writes about. I found this book to be a struggle to get through and not what I was expecting at all. I don't really understand what the purpose was or who the intended audience was supposed to be. I would have preferred if this was less of a deep dive on the lives of the advice givers and more about the actual platforms they each shared their information, but alas. *ARC provided by the publisher in exchange for my honest review.

[Gretchen · Rating 3 out of 5]

A totally serviceable book that discusses the history of advice givers over the past 300 years. This book mostly discusses individual advice givers and does not give much room to the overall trends, history, sociology, psychology, or other global history of public advice giving or receiving.

[Liz De Coster · Rating 3 out of 5]

I appreciated the historical perspective, but some of the profiles were a little glossy and less analytic of context. The Quora section especially was thin and tacked-on.

[Kimee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Before Pitbull rapped it, my mother would always tell me, “Díme con quien tú andas y te digo quién tú eres,” (tell me who your friends are and I’ll tell you who you are).
Weisberg’s thesis is similar: tell me who you ask for advice, and I’ll tell you about the anxieties of a nation. And she proves her thesis well with quick engaging essays on many of the most famous advice givers in American history in four categories: old wise men; friends; experts; advice for all by all.
There’s so much I hope I remember about each, and here comes a list of some: how the Athenian kicked things off. Lord Chesterfield caring more about authenticity than sincerity, urging purpose behind all. Franklin on discipline and American values. William Alcott and the rise of vegetarianism as a virtue, and how diets connect to life advice and national trends in the first place. Dorothy Dix the “sob sister.” Dale Carnegie, whose positivity was more palatable before the age of freelance. Dear Abby and Ann Landers feud. Mildred Newman’s early ideas on self care and guidance to the stars like Nora Ephron. Sylvia Porter the finance guru trailblazer. Dr. Spock’s evolution over time. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross on death and how she handled her own. JOAN. QUIGLEY. EXISTED. Hendrix and Hunt and their analytical approach to saving marriage. Judith Martin on politeness as a virtue (I felt so seen)! Martha Beck and the ultimate ex-Mormon story. Michael King and his kindness to strangers.
It’s wonderful both we and the advice we seek and give evolves. There are parts I want to keep from each adviser, and I will carry the term “emotional history” in my back pocket. I wish I had known about it in college. This book is such a delight.

[Gwen · Rating 2 out of 5]

Q: I'm asking for a friend: who is the audience for this book?
A: Any person who enjoys advice columns of various stripes (real estate, manners, relationships, you get the idea). I didn't realize that I'm supposed to be embarrassed to admit that I like to read them. Nor did I realize that this was more 16 mini-biographies than a straight history. Each featured writer has different merits, and together they provide 300 years of change in the world of all things advice. I may not be a better, neater or more diligent person for reading this, but I can now put "Ask Amy" in greater historical context than before, enough to warm this historian's heart.

[Jaclyn · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wanted to love this book. The premise is awesome. Americans, myself, included thrive on the advice of strangers, but I found myself losing focus as Weisberg talked through some of her chosen advice givers. The short version is that most advice givers of the last three hundred plus years were self-made. They had no real claim to their expertise, but Americans listened anyway. That said, there are some great anecdotal stories along the way, but they didn't make me any less eager for the book to end.

On to the next. Happy reading-

ps. Probably a 2.5, but you know...no half stars....

[Julie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to this as an audiobook from Libby, and it was really interesting. The author has some overarching themes/trends in advice givers that she talks about, but I could also see the chapters working as standalones. From Poor Richard (Ben Franklin) to Dr. Spock's book on childrearing to Nancy Reagan's secret astrologer who ended up having a lot of influence on President Reagan's travel schedule to life coaches. The book was engaging and made a good commute companion. Several times I came home from work to say to my husband "Hey did you know that..."

[Anita · Rating 3 out of 5]

This history of advice giving has moments of great fun. I loved the chapters on Dr. Spock, Ann Landers, Dear Abby, and Miss Manners. I feel badly that we don't have those same kind of universal moments to share: the day Ann gives one of her pithy answers and we all talked about it wherever we went. I will never forget the day she answered a question about necrophilia and I have never before or since seen more students (and adults) reach for the dictionary.

[Jackie Sieve · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book and love reading advice columns. I thought it was interesting to learn the history of some of America’s most famous advice columns. This book is not about advice it’s about the people who wrote the columns and the challenges in expectations and changes in culture at their specific time. What I find quite fascinating is that even though these people wrote about issues of their generation the series of questions, meaning of life, loveless marriage, loneliness hasn’t changed.

[Mrklingon · Rating 5 out of 5]

My advice: read this book.
Weisberg presents a survey of "advice" in the US, from colonial days, through Ann and Abby, right up to the present with Quora. With an even hand, she reviews the backgrounds of the advice-givers and the arc of their careers in giving that wisdom that people - apparently EVERYONE - seeks.

Along the way, it's a revealing history of America - the problems, pitfalls and goals that people experience and the guides they seek to navigate life.

[Kimberly Sullivan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this historical view of various advice givers, some of which I familiarity with and some I had not. It ends a few months after Trump's presidency starting and the initial thoughts from the contemporary advice givers as to that societal impact was interesting, especially given what we all experienced through the rest of his term and continuing now.

[Alicia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Full disclosure: I know the author from college. I found it to be a fun, informative yet accessible history of the advice field (largely centered in the US), in which the short histories/vignettes of advice-givers served as representation/context for society at the time.

[Cate · Rating 3 out of 5]

Turns out Miss Manners is an anti-capitalist 🙌

Enjoyable, but I disliked how "of 2018" it is, with Trump references, etc. I loved the meat of the individual stories but found myself skimming the transitions.

[Christa · Rating 1 out of 5]

I didn’t finish this. I’d picked it up thinking it was going to include questions and answers from advice columnists over the ages, and was disappointed to see it was more biographical about the advice columnists themselves.

[Christine Muller · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed reading this although it did take me a while to work through it and get to the end. I love advice columns and it was great to learn about the history of them and how the advice given has changed over the years.

[Kate · Rating 1 out of 5]

I love advice columns, so I thought this was right up my alley. What a disappointment! Dull, dull, dull.

[Jesse · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fun book on the history of advice in the U.S.

[Abe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rarely are books so smart and thorough and also this readable and fun. This book is about the history of advice but also doubles as a history of our national psyche. Must read!

[Brooke · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book about the history of advice columns. It was a fun read about the people who have shaped American values over time. Lots of crazy characters!