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The Good News About Bad Behavior: Why Kids Are Less Disciplined Than Ever -- And What to Do About It
The current model of parental discipline is as outdated as a rotary phone.
Why don't our kids do what we want them to do? Parents often take the blame for misbehavior, but this obscures a broader trend: in our modern, highly connected age, children have less self-control than ever. About half of the current generation of children will develop a mood or behavioral disorder or a substance addiction by age eighteen. Contemporary kids need to learn independence and responsibility, yet our old ideas of punishments and rewards are preventing this from happening.
To stem this growing crisis of self-regulation, journalist and parenting expert Katherine Reynolds Lewis articulates what she calls The Apprenticeship Model, a new theory of discipline that centers on learning the art of self-control. Blending new scientific research and powerful individual stories of change, Lewis shows that, if we trust our children to face consequences, they will learn to adapt and moderate their own behavior. She watches as chaotic homes become peaceful, bewildered teachers see progress, and her own family grows and evolves in light of these new ideas. You'll recognize your own family in Lewis's sensitive, realistic stories, and you'll find a path to making everyone in your home more capable, kinder, and happier--including yourself.
Why don't our kids do what we want them to do? Parents often take the blame for misbehavior, but this obscures a broader trend: in our modern, highly connected age, children have less self-control than ever. About half of the current generation of children will develop a mood or behavioral disorder or a substance addiction by age eighteen. Contemporary kids need to learn independence and responsibility, yet our old ideas of punishments and rewards are preventing this from happening.
To stem this growing crisis of self-regulation, journalist and parenting expert Katherine Reynolds Lewis articulates what she calls The Apprenticeship Model, a new theory of discipline that centers on learning the art of self-control. Blending new scientific research and powerful individual stories of change, Lewis shows that, if we trust our children to face consequences, they will learn to adapt and moderate their own behavior. She watches as chaotic homes become peaceful, bewildered teachers see progress, and her own family grows and evolves in light of these new ideas. You'll recognize your own family in Lewis's sensitive, realistic stories, and you'll find a path to making everyone in your home more capable, kinder, and happier--including yourself.
288 pages, Hardcover
First published April 17, 2018
193 people are currently reading
2085 people want to read
About the author
Katherine Reynolds Lewis
1 book32 followersKatherine Reynolds Lewis is a Washington, DC-area journalist whose articles on work, education, and parenting have appeared in TheAtlantic.com, Fortune, the New York Times, Slate, and the Washington Post Magazine.
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May 2, 2018
"When a child misbehaves, instead of getting angry, get curious. The outburst or misbehavior is a puzzle, and your child holds the solution. The behavior is communicating something to you; it's up to you to decode the message. Our role as parents isn't to preside over an always peaceful household; it's to see disruptions as a chance to better understand our children and help them grow. The home is a learning lab where our children can experiment, fail, and eventually succeed, not a shrine to perfection."
Parents have always faced challenges. Each generation has faced their own challenges. Today one of the challenges is technology. The internet, social media, video games, etc. Children are becoming over stimulated and are so used to being overstimulated that it is hard for them to have down time. We are seeing an increase in mood disorders, and behavioral issues. How many of us played outside as children? It was the norm for me. Everyday I played outside with my sister, with other kids in our neighborhood or simply by myself on my swing set. Playing with other teaches children teamwork, social skills, problem solving, self-regulation, cooperation, and conflict resolution. What happens when children prefer their ipad, their x-box, their smartphone, etc.? What happens when children don’t learn the skills to regulate their behavior?
Discipline has also changed over the years. I was sent to my room, grounded and spanked as a child. Over the years parents have turned to parenting books ranging from Sears parenting books to 1-2-3 Magic looking for parenting tips. This book looks at various styles of parenting but states the most important way to parent is to have empathy, to let our children learn from making mistakes, to allow them to fail, and to help them to grow. To be aware of how we speak to them and about them.
“Every time you use a word, a kid swallows it and it becomes part of their self idea.”
Overstimulated kids don’t have the skills to calm down. They are used to drama, to high energy, to constant visual stimulation. They are not used to being bored, having quiet or down time. Heaven forbid that kids get bored. We want to be good parents and introduce our children to a lot of things. How many kids spend a full day at school and have after school activities every single night of the week, them come home for homework and dinner, then video-games, tv, their computers, etc. We are not teaching our children how to relax, how to be at peace, etc. After school activities are great and are very beneficial but we need balance. We also need parents who are present. Who are not on their device of choice. I recently went out to dinner with my husband and son. I noticed a family of four at the next table and every single member of the family was on a device. They were not socializing or talking about their days, they were together but not present.
Parents also need to be clear in their expectations for their children and how we voice those expectations.
“Children live up or down to our expectations. Not always at the moment, but in the long run. Stop predicting doom through negative comments like, “if you don’t finish your chores, you won’t be able to play basketball with the neighbors!” Instead, convince yourself that your child will go along with the plan and express this confidence in phrases like, “As soon as you’ve finished your chores, you can go play basketball with your neighbors!” Act as if all will go smoothly, and it often will.”
Another tip form this book which I touched on earlier, is to allow our children to fail. As parents we naturally want the best for our children. We want them to be successful, we want them to be good at things, we want them to excel. Allowing them to fail can be an uncomfortable feeling. But in failing comes knowledge, comes strength, comes growth. If we never allow them to learn form their mistakes, how will they grow to make wise decisions for themselves.
A lot of information in this book is common sense. There are also sections that show some insight into how to speak to your children in a positive way. For example, instead of saying if you don’t clean your room you are not going to your friend’s home. Instead say when you are finished cleaning your room, you can go to your friend’s home. The thought is not to give a consequence but to show the reward for when the task is accomplished.
I thought the information was presented in a clear and informative manner. The examples are easy to understand and deal with real life situations. Will this book change the way someone parents their child? Hopefully it will provide some insight and cause some parents to stop and think about how they talk to their child, how they talk about their child, and to show by example appropriate ways of behaving, and to not reinforce bad behavior bad behavior by giving in to your child when they are having a tantrum.
I received a copy of this book from Perseus books and NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
Read more of my reviews at www.openbookpost.com
Parents have always faced challenges. Each generation has faced their own challenges. Today one of the challenges is technology. The internet, social media, video games, etc. Children are becoming over stimulated and are so used to being overstimulated that it is hard for them to have down time. We are seeing an increase in mood disorders, and behavioral issues. How many of us played outside as children? It was the norm for me. Everyday I played outside with my sister, with other kids in our neighborhood or simply by myself on my swing set. Playing with other teaches children teamwork, social skills, problem solving, self-regulation, cooperation, and conflict resolution. What happens when children prefer their ipad, their x-box, their smartphone, etc.? What happens when children don’t learn the skills to regulate their behavior?
Discipline has also changed over the years. I was sent to my room, grounded and spanked as a child. Over the years parents have turned to parenting books ranging from Sears parenting books to 1-2-3 Magic looking for parenting tips. This book looks at various styles of parenting but states the most important way to parent is to have empathy, to let our children learn from making mistakes, to allow them to fail, and to help them to grow. To be aware of how we speak to them and about them.
“Every time you use a word, a kid swallows it and it becomes part of their self idea.”
Overstimulated kids don’t have the skills to calm down. They are used to drama, to high energy, to constant visual stimulation. They are not used to being bored, having quiet or down time. Heaven forbid that kids get bored. We want to be good parents and introduce our children to a lot of things. How many kids spend a full day at school and have after school activities every single night of the week, them come home for homework and dinner, then video-games, tv, their computers, etc. We are not teaching our children how to relax, how to be at peace, etc. After school activities are great and are very beneficial but we need balance. We also need parents who are present. Who are not on their device of choice. I recently went out to dinner with my husband and son. I noticed a family of four at the next table and every single member of the family was on a device. They were not socializing or talking about their days, they were together but not present.
Parents also need to be clear in their expectations for their children and how we voice those expectations.
“Children live up or down to our expectations. Not always at the moment, but in the long run. Stop predicting doom through negative comments like, “if you don’t finish your chores, you won’t be able to play basketball with the neighbors!” Instead, convince yourself that your child will go along with the plan and express this confidence in phrases like, “As soon as you’ve finished your chores, you can go play basketball with your neighbors!” Act as if all will go smoothly, and it often will.”
Another tip form this book which I touched on earlier, is to allow our children to fail. As parents we naturally want the best for our children. We want them to be successful, we want them to be good at things, we want them to excel. Allowing them to fail can be an uncomfortable feeling. But in failing comes knowledge, comes strength, comes growth. If we never allow them to learn form their mistakes, how will they grow to make wise decisions for themselves.
A lot of information in this book is common sense. There are also sections that show some insight into how to speak to your children in a positive way. For example, instead of saying if you don’t clean your room you are not going to your friend’s home. Instead say when you are finished cleaning your room, you can go to your friend’s home. The thought is not to give a consequence but to show the reward for when the task is accomplished.
I thought the information was presented in a clear and informative manner. The examples are easy to understand and deal with real life situations. Will this book change the way someone parents their child? Hopefully it will provide some insight and cause some parents to stop and think about how they talk to their child, how they talk about their child, and to show by example appropriate ways of behaving, and to not reinforce bad behavior bad behavior by giving in to your child when they are having a tantrum.
I received a copy of this book from Perseus books and NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
Read more of my reviews at www.openbookpost.com
April 30, 2018
People (normally those who don’t have kids yet) talk about the “terrible twos” as if a child has a switch in their head that magically flips on when they turn two years old, turning them into lunatics. Actually, my daughter was an angel at two. It was starting about three that there began the rumblings of the tantrum-throwing, hands-on-her-hips, bossy little thing that constantly screams “NO!” when my wife and I tell her to do anything and everything. She’s four now, and somedays I honestly feel like calling an exorcist. We’re not even Catholic.
Thankfully, Katherine Reynolds Lewis, a mother of three children herself (oh, the horror: the very thought of having more than one child now makes me break into cold sweats), argues pretty convincingly that parents need to relax more and not stress out when their kids throw hissy-fits. This isn’t to say that parents should simply let their kids continue to throw hissy-fits. It’s the way the parents react, communicate, and create consequences that makes the difference.
In her book “The Good News About Bad Behavior: Why Kids Are Less Disciplined Than Ever---And What to Do About It”, Lewis starts off by saying that if you think kids are more crazy and undisciplined today than ever before in history, you’re absolutely right.
Something (and scientists don’t know exactly what yet, although they have their suspicions) is going wrong with kids’ biology and neurological makeup. They are less able to control themselves. Their self-regulation monitoring system is malfunctioning. They are more likely to be depressed, neurotic, and suffer other severe forms of mental illness than children in the past.
It’s not a case of over-diagnosis. It’s not a lack of religiosity, strong discipline, or self-esteem. It’s clearly something off-kilter about kid’s brains. But it’s not something to freak out about. It’s simply childhood in the 21st century, according to Lewis. We, as parents, simply need to be aware of how we are reacting to our children’s misbehavior. We also need to be aware that what may have worked for our parents and grandparents won’t necessarily work for us. Indeed, some of the steps we may have to take as parents will seem extremely counterintuitive and downright uncomfortable, but we need to do them, for the ultimate well-being of our children.
One of the strongest and most interesting new trends in thought regarding parenting is the emphasis on play, and how vitally important it is.
Peter Gray, professor emeritus at Boston College and author of “Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life” writes about how, through play, children self-learn everything they need to know in life. Play feeds children physically, intellectually, and spiritually.
There is, according to Lewis, “a barrage of evidence that children who have more autonomy and more unsupervised playtime develop better learning skills, more creativity, and a greater sense of responsibility for their own actions. (p. 29)”
More play and less-structured play helps the development of executive function in children, which is the ability to control one’s thoughts and behavior in order to achieve a goal.
If you ever watch children at play, you will begin to see how children learn how to help others, share, police each other’s behavior, and deal with problems. Certainly, a parent’s first instinct is to run to the aid of a child when something goes wrong on a playground---one kid is running around screaming at the top of his lungs, another kid shoves your kid out of the way on the slide, another kid won’t share the toy truck in the sandbox---but Lewis suggests that, unless it’s to prevent serious injury, one should just let the kids play. They’ll be alright.
This is, of course, crazy talk to many parents, but it’s ultimately going to do wonders for your kids.
In a sense, it’s a lot like what recent studies have shown in regards to overprotectiveness. Helicopter parents may think they are helping their kids out, but they are actually doing more harm than good.
Take, for example, studies of separation anxiety: Children who had experienced separations from parents early in life were less likely to have separation anxiety in later life. Similarly, over-protective parents’ attempts at shielding children from certain things actually increases the likelihood that the children may develop phobias or anxieties about those things later in life.
Likewise, adherents of the recent trend in assertive parenting---the Tiger mom method---are finding that their methods may also be backfiring.
Studies show that parenting programs that encourage parents to be tough and assertive toward children---yelling, insulting, and restricting a child---have been associated with increases in depression and self-destructive behavior.
Permissive parenting became all the rage in the 1990s, a direct result of, and rebellion against, the authoritarian style of parenting of the ‘50s and ‘60s. The focus was on self-esteem and becoming “friends” with your children. For a lot of parents, it meant a complete lack of boundaries and letting kids get away with murder. To them, it was far better than the ridiculous rules and punishment and hard-line parenting under which they were raised.
The problem is, according to Lewis, “permissive parenting is even worse than authoritarian parenting in the long term. A slew of research studies from the 1990s to the present show that, with both parenting styles, children have an increased risk of depression and lower self-control, and that permissive parenting also is associated with lower academic achievement. (p.63)”
Children today are less obedient and respectful of authority, which is perhaps being modeled to them by their parents, many of whom are afraid or unwilling to discipline them because they felt that their own parents were too hard on them. Raising one’s voice and threatening children with punishment is, to these parents, antithetical to their nature. Giving children positive energy and rewards for good behavior has to be a good thing, right?
Not necessarily. Just as harsh punishment can be counterproductive, rewards don’t help much either. Research shows that “[w]hether given for grades, household jobs, or behavior, [rewards] erode the child’s interest in the activity and risk turning a potentially fun challenge into a task to be dreaded. (p. 91)”
The key is communication. Yelling isn’t good communication, but, then again, neither is saying nothing and letting your kid throw that hissy fit. A parent’s job is to figure out why that kid is throwing the hissy fit. Is Billy not getting attention? Does Suzy feel like you are treating her unfairly? Does Guillermo secretly have an ear-ache?
This is where reflective listening comes in, which is listening that “requires restating what you believe you heard and asking for confirmation or clarification. (p. 137)”
Once a parent knows why a kid is throwing a tantrum or doing something he’s not supposed to, it may help in figuring out the proper consequence. Parents who utilize the age-old “time-out” quickly learn that it doesn’t always work. Sometimes foregoing the time-out for a civil conversation with your kid may do wonders. It requires a parent to treat a child with respect and acknowledgment of an intellectual capability for which we don’t often given children credit.
Lewis’s book is a treasure trove of information and knowledge for both parents and educators. While it is more descriptive and less prescriptive (Lewis is a journalist, not a psychiatrist), Lewis nevertheless provides the reader with an abundance of other great source material, websites, and nationwide programs for parental assistance.
There are many great take-aways from Lewis’s book, but one of the more important take-aways is this: “[C]hildish misbehavior isn’t an emergency situation or a sign of something gone wrong, but simply a natural part of growing up. Pause and respond with intention to your child’s behavior. Getting out of reactive mode will improve your connection to your kid, give you a chance to communicate better, and offer your child the space to build their capability for whatever the situation is, without you swooping in. (p.226)”
Thankfully, Katherine Reynolds Lewis, a mother of three children herself (oh, the horror: the very thought of having more than one child now makes me break into cold sweats), argues pretty convincingly that parents need to relax more and not stress out when their kids throw hissy-fits. This isn’t to say that parents should simply let their kids continue to throw hissy-fits. It’s the way the parents react, communicate, and create consequences that makes the difference.
In her book “The Good News About Bad Behavior: Why Kids Are Less Disciplined Than Ever---And What to Do About It”, Lewis starts off by saying that if you think kids are more crazy and undisciplined today than ever before in history, you’re absolutely right.
Something (and scientists don’t know exactly what yet, although they have their suspicions) is going wrong with kids’ biology and neurological makeup. They are less able to control themselves. Their self-regulation monitoring system is malfunctioning. They are more likely to be depressed, neurotic, and suffer other severe forms of mental illness than children in the past.
It’s not a case of over-diagnosis. It’s not a lack of religiosity, strong discipline, or self-esteem. It’s clearly something off-kilter about kid’s brains. But it’s not something to freak out about. It’s simply childhood in the 21st century, according to Lewis. We, as parents, simply need to be aware of how we are reacting to our children’s misbehavior. We also need to be aware that what may have worked for our parents and grandparents won’t necessarily work for us. Indeed, some of the steps we may have to take as parents will seem extremely counterintuitive and downright uncomfortable, but we need to do them, for the ultimate well-being of our children.
One of the strongest and most interesting new trends in thought regarding parenting is the emphasis on play, and how vitally important it is.
Peter Gray, professor emeritus at Boston College and author of “Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life” writes about how, through play, children self-learn everything they need to know in life. Play feeds children physically, intellectually, and spiritually.
There is, according to Lewis, “a barrage of evidence that children who have more autonomy and more unsupervised playtime develop better learning skills, more creativity, and a greater sense of responsibility for their own actions. (p. 29)”
More play and less-structured play helps the development of executive function in children, which is the ability to control one’s thoughts and behavior in order to achieve a goal.
If you ever watch children at play, you will begin to see how children learn how to help others, share, police each other’s behavior, and deal with problems. Certainly, a parent’s first instinct is to run to the aid of a child when something goes wrong on a playground---one kid is running around screaming at the top of his lungs, another kid shoves your kid out of the way on the slide, another kid won’t share the toy truck in the sandbox---but Lewis suggests that, unless it’s to prevent serious injury, one should just let the kids play. They’ll be alright.
This is, of course, crazy talk to many parents, but it’s ultimately going to do wonders for your kids.
In a sense, it’s a lot like what recent studies have shown in regards to overprotectiveness. Helicopter parents may think they are helping their kids out, but they are actually doing more harm than good.
Take, for example, studies of separation anxiety: Children who had experienced separations from parents early in life were less likely to have separation anxiety in later life. Similarly, over-protective parents’ attempts at shielding children from certain things actually increases the likelihood that the children may develop phobias or anxieties about those things later in life.
Likewise, adherents of the recent trend in assertive parenting---the Tiger mom method---are finding that their methods may also be backfiring.
Studies show that parenting programs that encourage parents to be tough and assertive toward children---yelling, insulting, and restricting a child---have been associated with increases in depression and self-destructive behavior.
Permissive parenting became all the rage in the 1990s, a direct result of, and rebellion against, the authoritarian style of parenting of the ‘50s and ‘60s. The focus was on self-esteem and becoming “friends” with your children. For a lot of parents, it meant a complete lack of boundaries and letting kids get away with murder. To them, it was far better than the ridiculous rules and punishment and hard-line parenting under which they were raised.
The problem is, according to Lewis, “permissive parenting is even worse than authoritarian parenting in the long term. A slew of research studies from the 1990s to the present show that, with both parenting styles, children have an increased risk of depression and lower self-control, and that permissive parenting also is associated with lower academic achievement. (p.63)”
Children today are less obedient and respectful of authority, which is perhaps being modeled to them by their parents, many of whom are afraid or unwilling to discipline them because they felt that their own parents were too hard on them. Raising one’s voice and threatening children with punishment is, to these parents, antithetical to their nature. Giving children positive energy and rewards for good behavior has to be a good thing, right?
Not necessarily. Just as harsh punishment can be counterproductive, rewards don’t help much either. Research shows that “[w]hether given for grades, household jobs, or behavior, [rewards] erode the child’s interest in the activity and risk turning a potentially fun challenge into a task to be dreaded. (p. 91)”
The key is communication. Yelling isn’t good communication, but, then again, neither is saying nothing and letting your kid throw that hissy fit. A parent’s job is to figure out why that kid is throwing the hissy fit. Is Billy not getting attention? Does Suzy feel like you are treating her unfairly? Does Guillermo secretly have an ear-ache?
This is where reflective listening comes in, which is listening that “requires restating what you believe you heard and asking for confirmation or clarification. (p. 137)”
Once a parent knows why a kid is throwing a tantrum or doing something he’s not supposed to, it may help in figuring out the proper consequence. Parents who utilize the age-old “time-out” quickly learn that it doesn’t always work. Sometimes foregoing the time-out for a civil conversation with your kid may do wonders. It requires a parent to treat a child with respect and acknowledgment of an intellectual capability for which we don’t often given children credit.
Lewis’s book is a treasure trove of information and knowledge for both parents and educators. While it is more descriptive and less prescriptive (Lewis is a journalist, not a psychiatrist), Lewis nevertheless provides the reader with an abundance of other great source material, websites, and nationwide programs for parental assistance.
There are many great take-aways from Lewis’s book, but one of the more important take-aways is this: “[C]hildish misbehavior isn’t an emergency situation or a sign of something gone wrong, but simply a natural part of growing up. Pause and respond with intention to your child’s behavior. Getting out of reactive mode will improve your connection to your kid, give you a chance to communicate better, and offer your child the space to build their capability for whatever the situation is, without you swooping in. (p.226)”
June 14, 2018
I like the parenting approach discussed in the book, but it's nothing new. I was hoping for something a little different since the author labels it as "The Apprenticeship Model", but really it echos positive parenting or respectful parenting, or whatever you want to label it. Mostly it's common sense: kids are people too, it's important to connect with them if you want respect, they need to be productive members of the family if you want them to grow to be productive members of society. Parenting always sounds so easy in theory. It's always in the application when things get challenging.
I did appreciate the perspective explored that today's kids are fundamentally different in some ways than previous generations and face different challenges, most specifically when it comes to self-regulation. A lot of this is rooted in the speed at which our society moves, the overall disconnect we have as a culture, and the effects of technology. I really appreciated this discussion and found it very interesting.
The author does provide some evidence based practices for how to help support self-regulation and maximize self-efficacy. Again, it's nothing groundbreaking, but it is looked at from the unique perspective of parenting modern children. While I did really enjoy parts I found others to be boring and meandering. Sometimes I found it kind of hard to follow and felt like I had to flip back through portions to really mine for the important takeaways I was looking for.
I think I put this book down twice in the midst of reading to pick up other books, which is not something I usually do. I'm glad I finished it even though I did not find the back half to two-thirds nearly as interesting as the first part of the book. #selfregulationwin
I did appreciate the perspective explored that today's kids are fundamentally different in some ways than previous generations and face different challenges, most specifically when it comes to self-regulation. A lot of this is rooted in the speed at which our society moves, the overall disconnect we have as a culture, and the effects of technology. I really appreciated this discussion and found it very interesting.
The author does provide some evidence based practices for how to help support self-regulation and maximize self-efficacy. Again, it's nothing groundbreaking, but it is looked at from the unique perspective of parenting modern children. While I did really enjoy parts I found others to be boring and meandering. Sometimes I found it kind of hard to follow and felt like I had to flip back through portions to really mine for the important takeaways I was looking for.
I think I put this book down twice in the midst of reading to pick up other books, which is not something I usually do. I'm glad I finished it even though I did not find the back half to two-thirds nearly as interesting as the first part of the book. #selfregulationwin
September 15, 2018
There's much food for thought for parents here. This is NOT a self help book with pat how-tos. Instead, the author is a smart, thoughtful journalist and parent sharing the latest in parenting research and her own journey (and the experiences of other parents) in implementing it. If you aren't interested in the longer read, the book does include a useful "takeaways and resources" section at the end that summarizes the main findings.
I'm carrying away two ideas: one, it's important to preserve and foster a strong relationship with your kid. (My parenting needs more empathy and communication, less irritated bossing.) Two, it was a great reminder of our job in preparing kids for competent adulthood. Long live chores and respectful consequences.
Love this quote from the book: "When a child misbehaves, instead of getting angry, get curious. The outburst or misbehavior is a puzzle, and your child holds the solution. The behavior is communicating something to you; it's up to you to decode the message. Our role as parents isn't to preside over an always peaceful household; it's to see disruptions as a chance to better understand our children and help them grow. The home is a learning lab where our children can experiment, fail, and eventually succeed, not a shrine to perfection."
I'm carrying away two ideas: one, it's important to preserve and foster a strong relationship with your kid. (My parenting needs more empathy and communication, less irritated bossing.) Two, it was a great reminder of our job in preparing kids for competent adulthood. Long live chores and respectful consequences.
Love this quote from the book: "When a child misbehaves, instead of getting angry, get curious. The outburst or misbehavior is a puzzle, and your child holds the solution. The behavior is communicating something to you; it's up to you to decode the message. Our role as parents isn't to preside over an always peaceful household; it's to see disruptions as a chance to better understand our children and help them grow. The home is a learning lab where our children can experiment, fail, and eventually succeed, not a shrine to perfection."
September 29, 2018
There wasn't a lot that I disagreed with in this book, as a parent and a therapist. But it didn't hold together. The first few chapters attempt to explain why children today are less "disciplined" and have less capacity for self-regulation than in past generations. The explanation is a mishmash of trendy research findings (ACEs! social media! fight/ flight physiology! the Gottmans! executive functioning!) which really don't come together as a coherent theory.
So: There have been large increases in depression and anxiety because of the intense pressure to succeed academically by affluent helicopter parents. Also, depression and anxiety are caused by exposure to ACEs among low-income multi-stressed families.* And our children are dysregulated because their brains register parental shouting or criticism as a threat. Also, children in the past had better self-regulation even though their parents used shouting and criticism all the time.
I don't disagree with the research findings, and I'm not saying it's impossible that these things fit together, but the author doesn't succeed in doing so. By the end of these chapters I felt totally confused about what she was saying was the reason for the decrease in self-regulation.
Her descriptions of new, collaborative parenting and discipline styles were interesting and well written, with a lot of good examples. Much of the book describes the work of Vicki Hoefle (who wrote Duct Tape Parenting), but her work as described here seems to draw hugely on How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, without any attribution or credit given. As one example, the suggestion to praise a child's behavior by naming the trait it showed, e.g. "That's what I call persistence!" (p. 133) - could be directly taken from "How to Talk..." I haven't read Hoefle's book so I don't know whether she credits it there, but it was really noticeable to me here. I wondered whether Reynolds Lewis has read "How to Talk..." (and if not, why not, since it is a perfect fit for the other approaches she describes here?).
As someone who works in schools, I feel like I didn't "get" the PAX game she describes. From her description, it honestly didn't sound that different from traditional reward schemes.
I think this book was an interesting read and I found it thought-provoking. Ultimately I felt like all the author's pronouncements of answers to parenting/ discipline dilemmas just brought up more questions for me.
*(Of course affluent families can have ACEs too but they disproportionately affect low-income families.)
So: There have been large increases in depression and anxiety because of the intense pressure to succeed academically by affluent helicopter parents. Also, depression and anxiety are caused by exposure to ACEs among low-income multi-stressed families.* And our children are dysregulated because their brains register parental shouting or criticism as a threat. Also, children in the past had better self-regulation even though their parents used shouting and criticism all the time.
I don't disagree with the research findings, and I'm not saying it's impossible that these things fit together, but the author doesn't succeed in doing so. By the end of these chapters I felt totally confused about what she was saying was the reason for the decrease in self-regulation.
Her descriptions of new, collaborative parenting and discipline styles were interesting and well written, with a lot of good examples. Much of the book describes the work of Vicki Hoefle (who wrote Duct Tape Parenting), but her work as described here seems to draw hugely on How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, without any attribution or credit given. As one example, the suggestion to praise a child's behavior by naming the trait it showed, e.g. "That's what I call persistence!" (p. 133) - could be directly taken from "How to Talk..." I haven't read Hoefle's book so I don't know whether she credits it there, but it was really noticeable to me here. I wondered whether Reynolds Lewis has read "How to Talk..." (and if not, why not, since it is a perfect fit for the other approaches she describes here?).
As someone who works in schools, I feel like I didn't "get" the PAX game she describes. From her description, it honestly didn't sound that different from traditional reward schemes.
I think this book was an interesting read and I found it thought-provoking. Ultimately I felt like all the author's pronouncements of answers to parenting/ discipline dilemmas just brought up more questions for me.
*(Of course affluent families can have ACEs too but they disproportionately affect low-income families.)
June 19, 2018
Urgh, this was a hard one. I liked the brain science in the beginning, if you need any sort of kick in the pants to keep your children off tv and smart devices and need proof that you're handicapping them for becoming well-rounded, successful adults if you don't do something about it now, then it's great. Some of the brain science about empathy etc. is great too. Made me think differently on how I handle (or don't handle well actually) the school work frustrations.
However, as much as the author was trying to make the book feel more....easily accessible? maybe? Anyway, making EVERYTHING into a story, began to get a little tiresome. I didn't need to know what everyone was wearing or the configuration of the rooms or the backgrounds of everything. I'm here for parental advice, I was not needing to know what each instructor, parent, teacher, nurse was wearing. Now, this didn't affect my rating much, it didn't bother me until maybe 2/3 of the way in, when I just wanted to say, "get on with it."
But then, at that point, we were promised to be getting to the detailed explanations of the methods she was proposing, but all I saw was more stories....I read some and I was like, I'm done with stories, tell me what to do! Where's the checklist, where's the "here is the list of the main tenants," or here is how to handle this, this, and this in a non-fiction sort of manner. I'd waded through plenty of stories earlier and had a decent handle on what these systems proposed from these stories, so we shouldn't need more, we should get a clearly delineated sort of approach. At least that's what I was hoping for. I was hoping for a more non-fiction sort of treatment. Get rid of the fluff of stories.
But then I just absolutely had to quit after one story in the section that wasn't really doing what was promised. The story was the author's own family on how she handled her daughter's misbehavior as an example to show us how it was done...and I was appalled. I'm sorry, I know she says we shouldn't be worried about what other people think of us as we deal with out own children, but you should absolutely think of how you yourself feel enough to not be totally bullied and stomped into the mud by your own kid! She totally let her teen daughter degrade and disrespect her and her other child in the name of "letting her kid self-regulate." Supposedly, she's advocating that children need to self-regulate themselves by parents stepping away and letting them go through all their emotions and things until they right themselves so that they can deal with the real world where they won't have a parent being able to guide and "nag" them, but no employer is going to allow their employee to throw a fit, disobey all commands, cuss them out, and then five minutes before the clock expires come in a weepy mess on how sorry they were to have caused a scene and then absolutely all is forgiven and they're not held responsible for the mess and hurt feelings they caused and they just go about business. (In fact the hurt feelings caused is swept under the rug, when she apologized for ruining the morning, the mother said "you didn't, I have several hours of my morning left"...Uh, she ruined the morning, she hurt people's feeling, what good does pretending that didn't happen do? All I can see it doing is teaching the child that their awful behavior doesn't hurt as much as it does. What would be the harm in saying, "Yes, you did, but I forgive you?") This story was written to show the success of the method. That was not a success. Perhaps this was just a "this is what happens before it gets better" example, but I just....lost respect for the approach right then and there. Sure, I could see no corporal punishment and yelling needed to happen. I could see that this could have been a beginning step. But the kid is allowed to have all the emotions and feelings put on display and hurting others and the parent can't even acknowledge that they were hurt in the process? How is that healthy? How is that readying them for the real world, where employers and spouses aren't just going to stick with them no matter what they do and act as if it didn't happen?
Perhaps because I have taken the science of "don't let children veg to electronics" seriously since their infancy and we don't have a tv, gaming systems, or cell phones for them, (We watch occasionally movies and play educational video games on rare occasions--and yes, I know that makes my kids' parents "suck" as one of my children informed me yesterday was said of me by some acquaintances of hers) and have disciplined them from the start, that my children's behavior is not so bad that letting them throw tantrums and curse at me and finally getting them to do something as simple as get into the car in time to go to school is considered a success. So maybe the claim of "all children are different now" makes this book not the book for me since these kids held as examples do not mirror mine? My kids and I could do better in the disciplining realm, yes, but I suppose we don't need this sort of help, since my kids already behave better.
Also sort of wonder if this author read any of the opposing views discipline methods with a non-biased, open-minded eye. Because I know in one sentence she claimed several books advocated a few bad things, one being "yelling." Now, I've only read one, The Strong-Willed Child, and yes, it advocates spanking, which I think was in the list she was saying was no good. But it sure doesn't advocate yelling. I don't think a single parenting book I've read has ever advocated yelling. If that was just a careless way to ascribe methods she doesn't like or assumes she wouldn't like, it doesn't help the authority position of the author based to claim other methods advocate things they do not advocate.
My two star rating doesn't mean I wouldn't suggest people read it, I'd actually suggest reading it. Eat the meat and spit out the bones sort of approach I think would be a good way to go about it. The author even advocates this, include what parts of her approach that rings true to you, and I'd suggest that such is a very fair-minded way to put it. I think people that have stuck it out in the public school setting, watching the huge change overtaking the students would benefit from many of the story examples in the book. But the book finally just annoyed me enough for me to skim to the end to make sure there was no "here's the chart of how this approach works" I was hoping for and be done. Making it "ok."
However, as much as the author was trying to make the book feel more....easily accessible? maybe? Anyway, making EVERYTHING into a story, began to get a little tiresome. I didn't need to know what everyone was wearing or the configuration of the rooms or the backgrounds of everything. I'm here for parental advice, I was not needing to know what each instructor, parent, teacher, nurse was wearing. Now, this didn't affect my rating much, it didn't bother me until maybe 2/3 of the way in, when I just wanted to say, "get on with it."
But then, at that point, we were promised to be getting to the detailed explanations of the methods she was proposing, but all I saw was more stories....I read some and I was like, I'm done with stories, tell me what to do! Where's the checklist, where's the "here is the list of the main tenants," or here is how to handle this, this, and this in a non-fiction sort of manner. I'd waded through plenty of stories earlier and had a decent handle on what these systems proposed from these stories, so we shouldn't need more, we should get a clearly delineated sort of approach. At least that's what I was hoping for. I was hoping for a more non-fiction sort of treatment. Get rid of the fluff of stories.
But then I just absolutely had to quit after one story in the section that wasn't really doing what was promised. The story was the author's own family on how she handled her daughter's misbehavior as an example to show us how it was done...and I was appalled. I'm sorry, I know she says we shouldn't be worried about what other people think of us as we deal with out own children, but you should absolutely think of how you yourself feel enough to not be totally bullied and stomped into the mud by your own kid! She totally let her teen daughter degrade and disrespect her and her other child in the name of "letting her kid self-regulate." Supposedly, she's advocating that children need to self-regulate themselves by parents stepping away and letting them go through all their emotions and things until they right themselves so that they can deal with the real world where they won't have a parent being able to guide and "nag" them, but no employer is going to allow their employee to throw a fit, disobey all commands, cuss them out, and then five minutes before the clock expires come in a weepy mess on how sorry they were to have caused a scene and then absolutely all is forgiven and they're not held responsible for the mess and hurt feelings they caused and they just go about business. (In fact the hurt feelings caused is swept under the rug, when she apologized for ruining the morning, the mother said "you didn't, I have several hours of my morning left"...Uh, she ruined the morning, she hurt people's feeling, what good does pretending that didn't happen do? All I can see it doing is teaching the child that their awful behavior doesn't hurt as much as it does. What would be the harm in saying, "Yes, you did, but I forgive you?") This story was written to show the success of the method. That was not a success. Perhaps this was just a "this is what happens before it gets better" example, but I just....lost respect for the approach right then and there. Sure, I could see no corporal punishment and yelling needed to happen. I could see that this could have been a beginning step. But the kid is allowed to have all the emotions and feelings put on display and hurting others and the parent can't even acknowledge that they were hurt in the process? How is that healthy? How is that readying them for the real world, where employers and spouses aren't just going to stick with them no matter what they do and act as if it didn't happen?
Perhaps because I have taken the science of "don't let children veg to electronics" seriously since their infancy and we don't have a tv, gaming systems, or cell phones for them, (We watch occasionally movies and play educational video games on rare occasions--and yes, I know that makes my kids' parents "suck" as one of my children informed me yesterday was said of me by some acquaintances of hers) and have disciplined them from the start, that my children's behavior is not so bad that letting them throw tantrums and curse at me and finally getting them to do something as simple as get into the car in time to go to school is considered a success. So maybe the claim of "all children are different now" makes this book not the book for me since these kids held as examples do not mirror mine? My kids and I could do better in the disciplining realm, yes, but I suppose we don't need this sort of help, since my kids already behave better.
Also sort of wonder if this author read any of the opposing views discipline methods with a non-biased, open-minded eye. Because I know in one sentence she claimed several books advocated a few bad things, one being "yelling." Now, I've only read one, The Strong-Willed Child, and yes, it advocates spanking, which I think was in the list she was saying was no good. But it sure doesn't advocate yelling. I don't think a single parenting book I've read has ever advocated yelling. If that was just a careless way to ascribe methods she doesn't like or assumes she wouldn't like, it doesn't help the authority position of the author based to claim other methods advocate things they do not advocate.
My two star rating doesn't mean I wouldn't suggest people read it, I'd actually suggest reading it. Eat the meat and spit out the bones sort of approach I think would be a good way to go about it. The author even advocates this, include what parts of her approach that rings true to you, and I'd suggest that such is a very fair-minded way to put it. I think people that have stuck it out in the public school setting, watching the huge change overtaking the students would benefit from many of the story examples in the book. But the book finally just annoyed me enough for me to skim to the end to make sure there was no "here's the chart of how this approach works" I was hoping for and be done. Making it "ok."
June 5, 2018
I signed up with NetGalley specifically in the hopes of getting a review copy of this book in exchange for a fair review. I'm so glad it worked out! This book has a lot of must-read information, especially for parents who are uncertain or struggling.
The basic premise is that "misbehavior" isn't something to be punished out of a child, but rather a clue into the child's current mindset and struggles. And that children today need to be given space and responsibilities in order to learn to trust themselves and to be trustworthy.
I found it very interesting how the book acknowledged that kids today aren't the same as kids from a couple of generations back. They face different challenges, grow up under different circumstances, have different stressors. The parenting tactics of our grandparents are ineffectual today, and we parents have to learn to change our methods in response.
One of my biggest takeaways is that by doing something for a child which he or she could do for him/herself, you are robbing them of a chance to gain self-esteem. I tend to want to do more for my kid than he needs, so this is a valuable reminder.
This is but one example among many of great parenting advice. The book was full of helpful tips and examples, with references to scientific studies to back up the theories.
It wasn't a perfect book; for example, I found the author to be slightly dismissive of ADD/ADHD. While many children might display hyperactive tendencies due to too little activity, my understanding is that ADD/ADHD is a chemical imbalance and my personal experience is that no amount of physical activity addresses it. I'm no expert, but I found some of the throwaway references to ADD/ADHD went against my understanding of the issues, and would have liked the author to either be more precise or to back up her statements with more information.
I also wish that some sections of the book had contained more specific advice. The theory was there, but the practical issues of how to implement some (not all) of the ideas could have been enhanced.
I hope that the author continues to study these issues and releases more parenting books. I'd happily read a more in-depth take on many of the suggestions brought up in the books.
I appreciate the review copy, and I'm intending to buy a hard copy for family and friends with kids to talk about and discuss the suggestions.
The basic premise is that "misbehavior" isn't something to be punished out of a child, but rather a clue into the child's current mindset and struggles. And that children today need to be given space and responsibilities in order to learn to trust themselves and to be trustworthy.
I found it very interesting how the book acknowledged that kids today aren't the same as kids from a couple of generations back. They face different challenges, grow up under different circumstances, have different stressors. The parenting tactics of our grandparents are ineffectual today, and we parents have to learn to change our methods in response.
One of my biggest takeaways is that by doing something for a child which he or she could do for him/herself, you are robbing them of a chance to gain self-esteem. I tend to want to do more for my kid than he needs, so this is a valuable reminder.
This is but one example among many of great parenting advice. The book was full of helpful tips and examples, with references to scientific studies to back up the theories.
It wasn't a perfect book; for example, I found the author to be slightly dismissive of ADD/ADHD. While many children might display hyperactive tendencies due to too little activity, my understanding is that ADD/ADHD is a chemical imbalance and my personal experience is that no amount of physical activity addresses it. I'm no expert, but I found some of the throwaway references to ADD/ADHD went against my understanding of the issues, and would have liked the author to either be more precise or to back up her statements with more information.
I also wish that some sections of the book had contained more specific advice. The theory was there, but the practical issues of how to implement some (not all) of the ideas could have been enhanced.
I hope that the author continues to study these issues and releases more parenting books. I'd happily read a more in-depth take on many of the suggestions brought up in the books.
I appreciate the review copy, and I'm intending to buy a hard copy for family and friends with kids to talk about and discuss the suggestions.
August 27, 2018
Lots of people write about education, and parenting books proliferate, but rarely do the twain meet. That's true despite substantial overlap in both underlying principle (such as the neuroscientific and psychological findings that tell us how kids’ minds work) and practical best practices. In The Good News About Bad Behavior, Katherine Reynolds Lewis offers evidence of a dramatic shift in recent decades in children’s ability to control their behavior—and a road map for what parents and schools ought to do about it.
Overscheduling and hovering already “undermine the development of the very traits that children need to become self-disciplined.” (“Anytime you do something for children that they can do for themselves, you’re stealing the opportunity for them to feel more capable,” Reynolds Lewis writes, explaining why adults who want to inspire confidence and competence in kids need to move away from “a focus on academics and testing [that pushes] recess and play out of the school day” and adult-managed extracurricular activities, homework, and play dates—and shift instead toward more unscheduled time with opportunities to play, “experience the consequences of risk,” and “learn to tolerate moderate amounts of stress.”)
When adults respond to undesirable behavior by “cracking down” or turning to coercive tactics such as time-outs, counting to three, sticker charts, ice cream prizes, and clip charts, they further restrict the autonomy required to produce resilience, which in turn leads to more undesirable behavior. Parents and teachers need to reframe misbehavior, she says, treating it not as willful disobedience that requires squelching, but as “a clue to a puzzle that can only be solved with the child’s engaged cooperation.”
What does that mean in practice? Respond first by connecting with the child, then communicating about the problem, and ultimately helping boost capability “by coaching them on both practical and social and emotional skills.” This three-step process lays the foundation for what Reynolds Lewis dubs the “Apprenticeship Model”: Backing off and giving kids responsibility within a framework of consequences agreed upon by parent and child in advance. Tolerating “a fair amount of chaos and includ[ing] our kids’ input in decisions,” but holding firm boundaries is her basic blueprint for effectively setting limits.
The specifics can get a little overwhelming. Reynolds profiles four alternative discipline frameworks (two targeted at parents and two at schools) that mesh well with the Apprenticeship Model: (1) “Adlerian parenting,” the method she learned through the PEPS parent-education (and support group) organization that focuses on reflective listening (“restating what you believe you heard and asking for confirmation or clarification”), respectful language, and housework, among other things; (2) “Duct Tape Parenting” which counsels parents to resist the impulse to comment on behavior (“The thing that happened is, when my mouth went quiet, their brains flipped on,” the method’s guru apparently said); (3) Ross Greene’s model of collaborative and proactive solutions for schools (“Under his philosophy, you’d no more punish a child for lashing out in class or jumping out of his seat repeatedly than you would if he bombed a spelling test”); and (4) the PAX Good Behavior Game, where a class agrees on a list of desired behaviors and then rewards the small teams that exhibit them with silly physical activities.
Reynolds Lewis expects different bits to resonate with different readers, ultimately leaving each with “a patchwork of strategies,” and to that end offers up even more detailed guidance. She hits the major tenets of the positive parenting movement (e.g., special time, mindfulness, family meetings, “when-then” statements, the strengths-based approach, “say what you see,” using words to name big feelings, and “catch them being good”), but then goes further to address the specifics of “healthy eating, self-care, the morning routine, homework, chores, screen time, sibling fights, and taking responsibility for belongings.” Favorite approaches that I wasn’t familiar with include using the phrase “Would you be willing to,” avoiding emotional manipulation by responding “the way a nonrelative would,” the “mumble and walk away technique,” and realizing that when a child hits someone but claims it was an accident, it might very well have felt like an accident to her, big emotions having high-jacked her brain.
As someone who writes about both parenting and education, I expected to be disappointed by The Good News About Bad Behavior. The topic seemed too ambitious, and I expected a disjointed and/or overly personal account. I was pleasantly surprised: Reynolds Lewis almost pulls it off flawlessly. Throughout the book, she utilizes the neuroscience findings she imparts, smoothly transitioning from engaging story to research and back again at the intervals ideal for sustaining human attention. She also maintains a tone that’s relatable as well as knowledgeable, handing out both mea culpas on her own missteps as a parent and research-backed conclusions like they’re candy and it’s Halloween (e.g., “When I first started relying on consequences instead of punishment, my tone of voice was often blaming and I sometimes rubbed in the lesson”). This, plus her pragmatic approach (e.g., “Certainly, you can’t parent a child without some kind of critical feedback”), defused my knee-jerk defensiveness and allowed me to see myself in descriptions like the following: “Authoritative parents-in-training often resist imposing their will on children until the moment when the whining or the messy house pushes them over the edge. Then they fall back on the authoritarian tones embedded in our collective memories.”
And yet, despite each chapter’s readability, there’s a breakdown in organization (particularly near the end where too many competing conclusions sit stacked). It’s unclear how one can effectively harness the wealth of information presented. In a sense, Reynolds Lewis falls victim to her own success in the comprehensiveness department.
That said, she makes a forceful argument for using the Apprenticeship Model in homes and schools, maintaining “strong adult-child connections, communication that uncovers the underlying causes of misbehavior, and training kids in cognitive, social and emotional, and essential life skills.” That “looks different when parenting a four-year-old as compared to a teenager,” she writes, “but the basic principle remains the same: give kids as much ownership as possible, with support, predictable routines, and agreed-upon consequences.”
Overscheduling and hovering already “undermine the development of the very traits that children need to become self-disciplined.” (“Anytime you do something for children that they can do for themselves, you’re stealing the opportunity for them to feel more capable,” Reynolds Lewis writes, explaining why adults who want to inspire confidence and competence in kids need to move away from “a focus on academics and testing [that pushes] recess and play out of the school day” and adult-managed extracurricular activities, homework, and play dates—and shift instead toward more unscheduled time with opportunities to play, “experience the consequences of risk,” and “learn to tolerate moderate amounts of stress.”)
When adults respond to undesirable behavior by “cracking down” or turning to coercive tactics such as time-outs, counting to three, sticker charts, ice cream prizes, and clip charts, they further restrict the autonomy required to produce resilience, which in turn leads to more undesirable behavior. Parents and teachers need to reframe misbehavior, she says, treating it not as willful disobedience that requires squelching, but as “a clue to a puzzle that can only be solved with the child’s engaged cooperation.”
What does that mean in practice? Respond first by connecting with the child, then communicating about the problem, and ultimately helping boost capability “by coaching them on both practical and social and emotional skills.” This three-step process lays the foundation for what Reynolds Lewis dubs the “Apprenticeship Model”: Backing off and giving kids responsibility within a framework of consequences agreed upon by parent and child in advance. Tolerating “a fair amount of chaos and includ[ing] our kids’ input in decisions,” but holding firm boundaries is her basic blueprint for effectively setting limits.
The specifics can get a little overwhelming. Reynolds profiles four alternative discipline frameworks (two targeted at parents and two at schools) that mesh well with the Apprenticeship Model: (1) “Adlerian parenting,” the method she learned through the PEPS parent-education (and support group) organization that focuses on reflective listening (“restating what you believe you heard and asking for confirmation or clarification”), respectful language, and housework, among other things; (2) “Duct Tape Parenting” which counsels parents to resist the impulse to comment on behavior (“The thing that happened is, when my mouth went quiet, their brains flipped on,” the method’s guru apparently said); (3) Ross Greene’s model of collaborative and proactive solutions for schools (“Under his philosophy, you’d no more punish a child for lashing out in class or jumping out of his seat repeatedly than you would if he bombed a spelling test”); and (4) the PAX Good Behavior Game, where a class agrees on a list of desired behaviors and then rewards the small teams that exhibit them with silly physical activities.
Reynolds Lewis expects different bits to resonate with different readers, ultimately leaving each with “a patchwork of strategies,” and to that end offers up even more detailed guidance. She hits the major tenets of the positive parenting movement (e.g., special time, mindfulness, family meetings, “when-then” statements, the strengths-based approach, “say what you see,” using words to name big feelings, and “catch them being good”), but then goes further to address the specifics of “healthy eating, self-care, the morning routine, homework, chores, screen time, sibling fights, and taking responsibility for belongings.” Favorite approaches that I wasn’t familiar with include using the phrase “Would you be willing to,” avoiding emotional manipulation by responding “the way a nonrelative would,” the “mumble and walk away technique,” and realizing that when a child hits someone but claims it was an accident, it might very well have felt like an accident to her, big emotions having high-jacked her brain.
As someone who writes about both parenting and education, I expected to be disappointed by The Good News About Bad Behavior. The topic seemed too ambitious, and I expected a disjointed and/or overly personal account. I was pleasantly surprised: Reynolds Lewis almost pulls it off flawlessly. Throughout the book, she utilizes the neuroscience findings she imparts, smoothly transitioning from engaging story to research and back again at the intervals ideal for sustaining human attention. She also maintains a tone that’s relatable as well as knowledgeable, handing out both mea culpas on her own missteps as a parent and research-backed conclusions like they’re candy and it’s Halloween (e.g., “When I first started relying on consequences instead of punishment, my tone of voice was often blaming and I sometimes rubbed in the lesson”). This, plus her pragmatic approach (e.g., “Certainly, you can’t parent a child without some kind of critical feedback”), defused my knee-jerk defensiveness and allowed me to see myself in descriptions like the following: “Authoritative parents-in-training often resist imposing their will on children until the moment when the whining or the messy house pushes them over the edge. Then they fall back on the authoritarian tones embedded in our collective memories.”
And yet, despite each chapter’s readability, there’s a breakdown in organization (particularly near the end where too many competing conclusions sit stacked). It’s unclear how one can effectively harness the wealth of information presented. In a sense, Reynolds Lewis falls victim to her own success in the comprehensiveness department.
That said, she makes a forceful argument for using the Apprenticeship Model in homes and schools, maintaining “strong adult-child connections, communication that uncovers the underlying causes of misbehavior, and training kids in cognitive, social and emotional, and essential life skills.” That “looks different when parenting a four-year-old as compared to a teenager,” she writes, “but the basic principle remains the same: give kids as much ownership as possible, with support, predictable routines, and agreed-upon consequences.”
June 7, 2018
Had to rush through this library book because another patron (parent) put a hold request on it. I'm glad they did, because the information offered is useful and hopeful, and the more people exposed to it the better. It's a bit of a strange animal, because it dips into a tiny bit of scientific research and tries to chart broader societal trends while at the same time making recommendations. I appreciate that the author states several times that no one can understand your relationship with your child better than you and that there's no reason to throw out or condemn methods that are working.
That said, I was bothered by her characterization of William Sears as the father of permissive parenting, and even more bothered by the idea that her proposals are groundbreaking and new. Nearly every suggestion offered about talking less, knowing and stepping back from our own emotional repsonses, connecting more, and working with our child(ren) to come up with meaningful contributions and solutions to problems could be found in Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish's masterwork, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.
I am also mystified by the omission here and elsewhere of the brilliant Alfie Kohn, one of the first and most convincing voices I found on the long-term damage caused by tactics that seem to initially work, namely, self-esteem boosting (rather than focused) praise and bribes/rewards. Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise and Other Bribes
This book is a great introduction to an idea of parenting that fits our modern age, and bills itself as a jumping off point for a journey of discovery. It's wonderful that the author and book have gotten so much press, and every book that encourages more self-reliance and self-regulation in children while parents step back and guide is a step in the right direction. It's a fun read, and the anecdotes she includes about her own family are heart-warming and real. It's just not as revolutionary as it seems to think it is.
That said, I was bothered by her characterization of William Sears as the father of permissive parenting, and even more bothered by the idea that her proposals are groundbreaking and new. Nearly every suggestion offered about talking less, knowing and stepping back from our own emotional repsonses, connecting more, and working with our child(ren) to come up with meaningful contributions and solutions to problems could be found in Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish's masterwork, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.
I am also mystified by the omission here and elsewhere of the brilliant Alfie Kohn, one of the first and most convincing voices I found on the long-term damage caused by tactics that seem to initially work, namely, self-esteem boosting (rather than focused) praise and bribes/rewards. Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise and Other Bribes
This book is a great introduction to an idea of parenting that fits our modern age, and bills itself as a jumping off point for a journey of discovery. It's wonderful that the author and book have gotten so much press, and every book that encourages more self-reliance and self-regulation in children while parents step back and guide is a step in the right direction. It's a fun read, and the anecdotes she includes about her own family are heart-warming and real. It's just not as revolutionary as it seems to think it is.
December 18, 2019
Overall I really enjoyed this book. I liked the research that went into it. She helps illustrate why kids have a harder time behaving nowadays and gives research based ideas in how to combat and deal with the society our families are now living in.
On the whole, I agreed with most of what was discussed in this book. The reason for the low-ish rating is because the book just seemed to drag on and on. It's a pretty hefty book as far as a parenting book goes - it was 10 hrs on audio. The first half was very engaging and much more enjoyable than the second half which dealt with much more individual stories and cases. While it's good to see some real life examples, I was ready for the book to end around 70% of the book.
I would suggest a physical book as opposed to audio or even ebook so it's easier to skim and skip to the parts that are relevant. And yes I would recommend.
On the whole, I agreed with most of what was discussed in this book. The reason for the low-ish rating is because the book just seemed to drag on and on. It's a pretty hefty book as far as a parenting book goes - it was 10 hrs on audio. The first half was very engaging and much more enjoyable than the second half which dealt with much more individual stories and cases. While it's good to see some real life examples, I was ready for the book to end around 70% of the book.
I would suggest a physical book as opposed to audio or even ebook so it's easier to skim and skip to the parts that are relevant. And yes I would recommend.
August 6, 2019
The book is very informative and the author is very down to earth. I got a few take home points. We are to train and teach our children not punish and reward them. Each time they act up is an opportunity to teach them self regulation. We should always connect before teaching, which is counter intuitive when they get on our nerves. The 4 stages of escalation is something I have observed in my children and myself from time to time, this helps me to preempt the escalation in myself and my children now that I am aware of them.
December 5, 2022
The Good News About Bad Behavior: Why Kids Are Less Disciplined Than Ever—And What to Do About It by Katherine Reynolds Lewis unpacks the challenges confronting contemporary families. She uses her family's history, interviews and observations with other families, commentary from thought leaders, and academic studies to present proactive solutions to battles between parents and kids. While I found most of it reasonably useful, I would have liked to see the topic expanded to deal with groups of children.
August 24, 2018
So many of the concepts here partner nicely with Responsive Classroom. It is very easy for me to take these and translate them into our library environment. This has great value for both teachers and parents. It focuses on the motivators for self-regulation 1. autonomy 2. competence 3. belonging. This was rich in ideas.
July 5, 2021
Useful reminders in here. We have used Ross Greene’s advice for years; glad to see it profiled in here. I like the author’s advice to mumble and walk away when overwhelmed or angry.
January 19, 2021
Knygą parašiusi amerikiečių žurnalistė supažindina skaitytojus su įvairiais šiuolaikinio auklėjimo metodais, padedančiais keisti mums nepatinkantį vaikų elgesį. Ji siūlo į blogą vaikų elgesį žiūrėti ne kaip į bėdą, o kaip į normalų vaiko raidos etapą ir iššūkį tobulėti mums, tėvams.
Atvirai sakant, jeigu ieškote vienos ar kelių gerų knygų apie vaikų ir tėvų santykius, šios knygos jums NErekomenduočiau. Na, o jeigu skaityti mėgstate, jau perskaitėte daug tikrai gerų knygų ir turite laisvo laiko - tuomet taip, kodėl gi ne... :) Kodėl nerekomenduočiau šios knygos? Čia iš įvairių šaltinių surinktos įdomios žinios, išvardintos ir trumpai apibūdintos kelios skirtingos pažangios vaikų auklėjimo metodikos, tačiau man pritrūko minčių dėstymo nuoseklumo (informacija pateikta gana padrikai) ir gylio (idėjos įdomios, bet vargu, ar pakaktų šios knygos žinių jų realiam pritaikymui namuose). Aišku, galima į šią knygą žiūrėti kaip į kituose šatiniuose gautų žinių "užtvirtinimą" arba naujų idėjų atradimą (galbūt pajusite, kad kažkuri metodika jums patinka ir pasidomėsite ja plačiau).
Kaip ten bebūtų, šioje knygoje galima rasti daug išmintingų įžvalgų, autorės surinktų iš įvairių skirtingų šaltinių. Dalinusi keliomis ištraukomis:
* [Vaikų] paklusnumas nebėra mūsų tikslas. Turime stoti į kovą su pagrindiniu mūsų eros iššūkiu - išmokyti savo vaikus savireguliacijos. (...) Mūsų vaidmuo nėra užtikrinti, kad vaikai viską darytų gerai, o suteikti jiems vis daugiau savarankiškumo ir atsakomybės, kartu mokant juos įgūdžių, kad jiems pasisektų, ir emociškai juos palaikyti, patyrus nesėkmę. (...) Mūsų instinktas apsaugoti vaikus nuo bet kokio pavojaus gali pakenkti jų psichikos sveikatai, mat rizikavimas arba patirtas pralaimėjimas padeda jiems mokytis savireguliacijos. (...) Baudimas už netinkamą elgesį ir apdovanojimas už pageidautiną elgesį atrodo veiksmingi trumpalaikėje perspektyvoje, tačiau iš tiesų jie stabdo vaikų progresą pakirsdami savireguliaciją - vieną iš pamatinių įgūdžių, lemiančių sėkmę mokykloje, universitete, darbo vietoje ir kitur.
* Žmonės iš kitų žinduolių išsiskiria tuo, kad turi ilgesnį jaunystės gyvenimo etapą ir smegenys iki galo subręsta tik apie 25-uosius gyvenimo metus. Neuromokslininkų nuomone, ši ketvirtį amžiaus trunkanti raida suteikia žmonėms didžiulį pranašumą, mat smegenys turi daugiau laiko formuotis, kad taptų kūrybiškos, galėtų spręsti problemas, orientuotis socialinėse situacijose ir reaguoti į naujas aplinkybes. Ši aplinkybė taip pat suteikia tėvams svarbų vaidmenį kuriant aplinką, kurioje vaikai galėtų mokytis, vystytis ir augti. Mūsų genai ir įgimtas temperamentas yra tik atspirties taškas, lemiantis, kokiais žmonėmis tapsime.(...) Vaikystės patirtys formuoja smegenis, ir pasekmes galima justi visą likusį gyvenimą.
* Suaugusiųjų veiksmai, kuriais siekiama kontroliuoti vaikų elgesį per paskatinimus arba bausmes, duoda priešingą rezultatą. Visų pirma, daugelio vaikų smegenys dar nėra pakankamai subrendusios, kad pateisintų tėvų lūkesčius. Ir net tie vaikai, kurie yra labiau subrendę, nebegali naudotis ta smegenų dalimi, kuri juos įgalina mokytis ar racionaliai mąstyti, kai dalyvauja konflikte (...). Tuomet jų negali paveikti, nei grasinimai, nei apdovanojimai. Tai nerei��kia, kad turime susitaikyti su blogu elgesiu ar jį pateisinti. Vaikams reikia parodyti, ko iš jų tikimasi, kad galėtų treniruoti savikontrolę, nes jiems tai teks daryti ne vienus metus.Tačiau tėvams vertėtų suprasti, jog vaiko isterijos priepuolis ar išsiblaškymas nėra sąmoningas neklusnumas, tiesiog tam vaikui reikia padėti save kontroliuoti. Kol vaikų prieškaktinė smegenų žievės dalis dar nesusiformavusi, suaugusieji turėtų tam tikra prasme papildyti jų vykdomąją funkciją. Vėliau šį palaikymą turime po ruputį mažinti, skatindami jų savikontrolės vystymąsi, kol jie taps visiškai nepriklausomi.
Atvirai sakant, jeigu ieškote vienos ar kelių gerų knygų apie vaikų ir tėvų santykius, šios knygos jums NErekomenduočiau. Na, o jeigu skaityti mėgstate, jau perskaitėte daug tikrai gerų knygų ir turite laisvo laiko - tuomet taip, kodėl gi ne... :) Kodėl nerekomenduočiau šios knygos? Čia iš įvairių šaltinių surinktos įdomios žinios, išvardintos ir trumpai apibūdintos kelios skirtingos pažangios vaikų auklėjimo metodikos, tačiau man pritrūko minčių dėstymo nuoseklumo (informacija pateikta gana padrikai) ir gylio (idėjos įdomios, bet vargu, ar pakaktų šios knygos žinių jų realiam pritaikymui namuose). Aišku, galima į šią knygą žiūrėti kaip į kituose šatiniuose gautų žinių "užtvirtinimą" arba naujų idėjų atradimą (galbūt pajusite, kad kažkuri metodika jums patinka ir pasidomėsite ja plačiau).
Kaip ten bebūtų, šioje knygoje galima rasti daug išmintingų įžvalgų, autorės surinktų iš įvairių skirtingų šaltinių. Dalinusi keliomis ištraukomis:
* [Vaikų] paklusnumas nebėra mūsų tikslas. Turime stoti į kovą su pagrindiniu mūsų eros iššūkiu - išmokyti savo vaikus savireguliacijos. (...) Mūsų vaidmuo nėra užtikrinti, kad vaikai viską darytų gerai, o suteikti jiems vis daugiau savarankiškumo ir atsakomybės, kartu mokant juos įgūdžių, kad jiems pasisektų, ir emociškai juos palaikyti, patyrus nesėkmę. (...) Mūsų instinktas apsaugoti vaikus nuo bet kokio pavojaus gali pakenkti jų psichikos sveikatai, mat rizikavimas arba patirtas pralaimėjimas padeda jiems mokytis savireguliacijos. (...) Baudimas už netinkamą elgesį ir apdovanojimas už pageidautiną elgesį atrodo veiksmingi trumpalaikėje perspektyvoje, tačiau iš tiesų jie stabdo vaikų progresą pakirsdami savireguliaciją - vieną iš pamatinių įgūdžių, lemiančių sėkmę mokykloje, universitete, darbo vietoje ir kitur.
* Žmonės iš kitų žinduolių išsiskiria tuo, kad turi ilgesnį jaunystės gyvenimo etapą ir smegenys iki galo subręsta tik apie 25-uosius gyvenimo metus. Neuromokslininkų nuomone, ši ketvirtį amžiaus trunkanti raida suteikia žmonėms didžiulį pranašumą, mat smegenys turi daugiau laiko formuotis, kad taptų kūrybiškos, galėtų spręsti problemas, orientuotis socialinėse situacijose ir reaguoti į naujas aplinkybes. Ši aplinkybė taip pat suteikia tėvams svarbų vaidmenį kuriant aplinką, kurioje vaikai galėtų mokytis, vystytis ir augti. Mūsų genai ir įgimtas temperamentas yra tik atspirties taškas, lemiantis, kokiais žmonėmis tapsime.(...) Vaikystės patirtys formuoja smegenis, ir pasekmes galima justi visą likusį gyvenimą.
* Suaugusiųjų veiksmai, kuriais siekiama kontroliuoti vaikų elgesį per paskatinimus arba bausmes, duoda priešingą rezultatą. Visų pirma, daugelio vaikų smegenys dar nėra pakankamai subrendusios, kad pateisintų tėvų lūkesčius. Ir net tie vaikai, kurie yra labiau subrendę, nebegali naudotis ta smegenų dalimi, kuri juos įgalina mokytis ar racionaliai mąstyti, kai dalyvauja konflikte (...). Tuomet jų negali paveikti, nei grasinimai, nei apdovanojimai. Tai nerei��kia, kad turime susitaikyti su blogu elgesiu ar jį pateisinti. Vaikams reikia parodyti, ko iš jų tikimasi, kad galėtų treniruoti savikontrolę, nes jiems tai teks daryti ne vienus metus.Tačiau tėvams vertėtų suprasti, jog vaiko isterijos priepuolis ar išsiblaškymas nėra sąmoningas neklusnumas, tiesiog tam vaikui reikia padėti save kontroliuoti. Kol vaikų prieškaktinė smegenų žievės dalis dar nesusiformavusi, suaugusieji turėtų tam tikra prasme papildyti jų vykdomąją funkciją. Vėliau šį palaikymą turime po ruputį mažinti, skatindami jų savikontrolės vystymąsi, kol jie taps visiškai nepriklausomi.
November 16, 2018
The very last section of this book starts with the sentence “This book is a work of narrative journalism, not a parenting manual.”. That is so true although not what I was expecting when I started the book. Also, I’d figured it out on my own by that point!
I’ve read several parenting books that focus on connection and communication as the basis of the parent child relationship. The book’s focus on capability was a welcome addition. Another focus area was teaching the self-control. In practice this meant allowing kids to experience consequences (both conceived together at home or derived organically outside the home) and allowing time and space to adapt and moderate future behavior.
I also like the focus on consequences over punishment. She provides a rule of thumb to tell the difference: The four R's, any consequence should be revealed in advance, respectful, related to the decision the child made, and reasonable in scope.
I’ve read several parenting books that focus on connection and communication as the basis of the parent child relationship. The book’s focus on capability was a welcome addition. Another focus area was teaching the self-control. In practice this meant allowing kids to experience consequences (both conceived together at home or derived organically outside the home) and allowing time and space to adapt and moderate future behavior.
I also like the focus on consequences over punishment. She provides a rule of thumb to tell the difference: The four R's, any consequence should be revealed in advance, respectful, related to the decision the child made, and reasonable in scope.
August 29, 2018
Numerous interesting points, but ultimately vague. Perhaps this is what the author intended, letting parents and teachers and caregivers find their own way, which has value, but the book just has holes. For someone consistently discussing clear communication, Lewis does not clearly present the strategies of the parents she highlights in the book.
The overall message, however, it excellent. Kids need guidance and understanding, empathy and care, and this - not hovering or solving their problems or constant punishment - will create independent, thoughtful adults.
The overall message, however, it excellent. Kids need guidance and understanding, empathy and care, and this - not hovering or solving their problems or constant punishment - will create independent, thoughtful adults.
May 15, 2021
Labai patiko, lengvai skaitėsi. Rekomenduoju visiems tėvams, mokytojams ir tiems, kas gyvenime dažnai susiduria su vaikais. Knygoje kardinaliai naujų dalykų nėra, tačiau viskas pateiktia ir sudėliota paprastai, padrąsinančiai ir įkvepiančiai. Nemažai šaltinių tolesniems skaitiniams.
April 4, 2019
I was looking for a book on behavior problems in children. The title of the book “The
Good News About Bad Behavior” reeled me in, I thought “how can there be any good news
about bad behavior in children”. I wanted to find out and I am glad I choose this book. Generally
I like to read Criminal Suspense books so this was a new experience for me reading outside my
comfort zone. The author did a great job keeping me interested until the end. This book was a
quick easy read lasting about 240 pages. I would say the target audience for this book would be
for parents, teachers or other adults working with children and Psychologists.
This book has three parts to it. Part 1 “The Problem” gives information research studies
about behaviors and discipline with children. It also talks about how children and adults differ
from the past due to todays society. I enjoyed reading about the research that was provided. It
gave me a better sense of how different it is to raise a child now vs 30 years ago. Part 2 “The
Solution” provides steps the author has taken from research studies for adults and parents to
teach kids to “self-regulate” and be in control of their own behaviors. Through these chapters I
was able to relate, as a mother of growing children. Today it seems like we are always
on the go so at times we find ways to cut corners. I have learned through past experiences and
reading this book that I was actually missing opportunities to teach my kids very important life
lessons. Part 3 “Making it Stick” gives great advice on how to change your current ways of
discipline and how to use the steps provided in your own family dynamics. I found the list of
jobs that were given for you to “invite” your child to do according to their age very interesting. I
actually, have added some to my boy’s routine in a fun way so they enjoy it. My son, Ethan,
choose to learn how to load the dishwasher and my other son, Zachary, choose to plan and cook
a simple dinner.
This book also included stories from families, including children with disabilities, that the
author researched for this book along with her own struggles of parenting.
I thoroughly enjoyed this book and would recommend it to anyone who has young
children or work with them. It gives some helpful advice on how to raise them to be important
and respectful people in our society.
Good News About Bad Behavior” reeled me in, I thought “how can there be any good news
about bad behavior in children”. I wanted to find out and I am glad I choose this book. Generally
I like to read Criminal Suspense books so this was a new experience for me reading outside my
comfort zone. The author did a great job keeping me interested until the end. This book was a
quick easy read lasting about 240 pages. I would say the target audience for this book would be
for parents, teachers or other adults working with children and Psychologists.
This book has three parts to it. Part 1 “The Problem” gives information research studies
about behaviors and discipline with children. It also talks about how children and adults differ
from the past due to todays society. I enjoyed reading about the research that was provided. It
gave me a better sense of how different it is to raise a child now vs 30 years ago. Part 2 “The
Solution” provides steps the author has taken from research studies for adults and parents to
teach kids to “self-regulate” and be in control of their own behaviors. Through these chapters I
was able to relate, as a mother of growing children. Today it seems like we are always
on the go so at times we find ways to cut corners. I have learned through past experiences and
reading this book that I was actually missing opportunities to teach my kids very important life
lessons. Part 3 “Making it Stick” gives great advice on how to change your current ways of
discipline and how to use the steps provided in your own family dynamics. I found the list of
jobs that were given for you to “invite” your child to do according to their age very interesting. I
actually, have added some to my boy’s routine in a fun way so they enjoy it. My son, Ethan,
choose to learn how to load the dishwasher and my other son, Zachary, choose to plan and cook
a simple dinner.
This book also included stories from families, including children with disabilities, that the
author researched for this book along with her own struggles of parenting.
I thoroughly enjoyed this book and would recommend it to anyone who has young
children or work with them. It gives some helpful advice on how to raise them to be important
and respectful people in our society.
August 13, 2024
Why don't our kids do what we want them to do? Parents often take the blame for misbehavior, but this obscures a broader trend: in our modern, highly connected age, children have less self-control than ever. About half of the current generation of children will develop a mood or behavioral disorder or a substance addiction by age eighteen. Contemporary kids need to learn independence and responsibility, yet our old ideas of punishments and rewards are preventing this from happening. To stem this growing crisis of self-regulation, journalist and parenting expert Katherine Reynolds Lewis articulates what she calls The Apprenticeship Model, a new theory of discipline that centers on learning the art of self-control. Blending new scientific research and powerful individual stories of change, Lewis shows that, if we trust our children to face consequences, they will learn to adapt and moderate their own behavior.
This was GREAT! It was well written, not preachy, gave useful examples, and supported everything with science. Will it work? Not sure, but I am certainly ready to give it a try. Something needs to give. Behavior is only getting worse around here. Definitely ready to give this a try!
This was GREAT! It was well written, not preachy, gave useful examples, and supported everything with science. Will it work? Not sure, but I am certainly ready to give it a try. Something needs to give. Behavior is only getting worse around here. Definitely ready to give this a try!
October 30, 2022
La mắng, phạt ngồi vào "góc bình yên", lấy phần thưởng (để dụ dỗ) hay đánh đòn không còn hiệu quả nữa. Những biện pháp kỷ luật này giúp cha mẹ kiểm soát tình hình nhưng nó không xác định được nguyên nhân tại sao trẻ cư xử sai. Cha mẹ cần ngừng nhìn nhận việc đứa trẻ mè nheo, ăn vạ hay làm mất đồ là biểu hiện trẻ hư, không nghe lời.
Lý do những biện pháp kỷ luật này không hiệu quả nằm ở chỗ: vấn đề không phải hành vi của trẻ mà là cách cha mẹ nhìn nhận hành vi đó. Thay vào đó, cha mẹ cần áp dụng "apprenticeship model of parenting" (tạm dịch: mô hình học nghề dạy con). Theo đó, phụ huynh cần nhận biết sự khác biệt giữa "hành vi xấu" và mong muốn khẳng định sự tự lập của trẻ. Để phân biệt được, cha mẹ phải lắng nghe con tốt hơn, đặc biệt là các bé ở độ tuổi chập chững biết đi (12-36 tháng tuổi). Và để lắng nghe con hiệu quả, cha mẹ cần biết buông bỏ.
Cụ thể, Lewis có đề cập đến việc "cha mẹ từ bỏ quyền kiểm soát và cho phép trẻ học thông qua mắc lỗi".
Mình mua sách gốc cuốn này tại Bookee, bạn cần mua thì có thể tham khảo ở đây: https://bookee.store/the-good-news-ab...
Lý do những biện pháp kỷ luật này không hiệu quả nằm ở chỗ: vấn đề không phải hành vi của trẻ mà là cách cha mẹ nhìn nhận hành vi đó. Thay vào đó, cha mẹ cần áp dụng "apprenticeship model of parenting" (tạm dịch: mô hình học nghề dạy con). Theo đó, phụ huynh cần nhận biết sự khác biệt giữa "hành vi xấu" và mong muốn khẳng định sự tự lập của trẻ. Để phân biệt được, cha mẹ phải lắng nghe con tốt hơn, đặc biệt là các bé ở độ tuổi chập chững biết đi (12-36 tháng tuổi). Và để lắng nghe con hiệu quả, cha mẹ cần biết buông bỏ.
Cụ thể, Lewis có đề cập đến việc "cha mẹ từ bỏ quyền kiểm soát và cho phép trẻ học thông qua mắc lỗi".
Mình mua sách gốc cuốn này tại Bookee, bạn cần mua thì có thể tham khảo ở đây: https://bookee.store/the-good-news-ab...
April 21, 2018
Full disclosure: This book is written by a friend of my husband's and he brought home a copy from the book signing party.
That said, I decided to read the book to see what it was like and was really impressed. Here's my review.
The author provides background science and examples of several different parenting help programs (including PEP that we have here in MoCo) that have helpful ideas, She gives specific examples from her own parenting with her husband and kids, as well as examples of other families in different areas of the country with different personal histories and parenting issues.
Most of all, I liked that she readily describes her own parenting fails and constantly reminds the reader that parenting is a long process and you don't have to manage every interaction well. It's about trying and failing and trying again, and remembering that every family is different and you have to find what works for yours. She just provides some basic helpful frameworks within which you may want to find your own path.
That said, I decided to read the book to see what it was like and was really impressed. Here's my review.
The author provides background science and examples of several different parenting help programs (including PEP that we have here in MoCo) that have helpful ideas, She gives specific examples from her own parenting with her husband and kids, as well as examples of other families in different areas of the country with different personal histories and parenting issues.
Most of all, I liked that she readily describes her own parenting fails and constantly reminds the reader that parenting is a long process and you don't have to manage every interaction well. It's about trying and failing and trying again, and remembering that every family is different and you have to find what works for yours. She just provides some basic helpful frameworks within which you may want to find your own path.
February 18, 2025
I’ve read a bunch of parenting books recently, this is easily top 3. It teaches why the old punishments and rewards method of parenting is ineffective and talks about another alternative that’s backed by lots of research.
Many other parenting books are by a homeschool mom who says what worked for them. That’s ok, but I want research results! I want tried methods on large numbers of kids! This book has that, and it’s been working for me.
What I don’t like: this, like most parenting book, is full of examples. This book in particular has overly detailed examples describing the room, everyone’s hairstyles and clothing styles, etc. I’m not looking for a novel, I want a well articulated method like a scientific paper might have. What’s worse, the knowledge nuggets are hidden inside the stories, making it hard to skim them. I get that the examples help make abstract explanations concrete, but it’s hard to see what exactly this book advocates for because everything is hidden in stories from real-life examples. She has a nice summary in the appendix that helps though.
Many other parenting books are by a homeschool mom who says what worked for them. That’s ok, but I want research results! I want tried methods on large numbers of kids! This book has that, and it’s been working for me.
What I don’t like: this, like most parenting book, is full of examples. This book in particular has overly detailed examples describing the room, everyone’s hairstyles and clothing styles, etc. I’m not looking for a novel, I want a well articulated method like a scientific paper might have. What’s worse, the knowledge nuggets are hidden inside the stories, making it hard to skim them. I get that the examples help make abstract explanations concrete, but it’s hard to see what exactly this book advocates for because everything is hidden in stories from real-life examples. She has a nice summary in the appendix that helps though.
April 15, 2018
Received an advance galley and found it engaging, wise and practical. This is a great addition to the research-driven yet approachable/narrative self-understanding and self-improvement genre, from the broadest The Social Animal: The Hidden Sources of Love, Character, and Achievement to Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. I found myself taking many pages of notes about parenting improvement techniques. But the book also revealed a lot to me about how to improve my relationships with parents other family members, and even colleagues. Entertaining to read, extremely useful. Couldn't be more pleased to have read it.
July 12, 2018
This is not a parenting manual: if you are looking for a how-to on raising children, use the resources Lewis mentions and recommends. This is "narrative journalism" on the current generation of children. They are different from previous generations and thus the old familiar rules of parenting not only no longer apply, but can be harmful. Lewis backs up her claims with valid research and shares many anecdotal examples as she travels the country, visiting various experts. Lewis shares important information that I value as both a parent and a former teacher. She definitely has me convinced as to the state of the current generation of offspring, how it came about, and what to do about it. If you're reading this as a parent, you begin to notice your own behavior and consider how it affects your child, for better or for worse. I would highly recommend this book to anyone who is curious about how this generation of children differs from previous generations and how to connect with them.
February 7, 2019
This book is an absolute must-read for all parents. It thoughtfully and clearly lays out the research behind many of the ideas modern parents are familiar with, from the importance of empathy to the pitfalls of using rewards to motivate behavior. Katherine Reynolds Lewis draws on her experience as a parent educator to peek inside the lives of extremely relatable families, and uses her journalistic prowess to guide us on a journey through the most cutting-edge research in child psychology (I found the MRI chapter particularly fascinating). Best of all, it provides simple advice any parent can act on the moment they close the book—so much so, I took its ideas to heart when choosing a preschool for my son.
One favorite quote from the book, which I repeat to myself frequently: "Before taking any action as a parent, as yourself whether it will be relationship-building or fracturing. If you're about to harm the relationship, stop."
One favorite quote from the book, which I repeat to myself frequently: "Before taking any action as a parent, as yourself whether it will be relationship-building or fracturing. If you're about to harm the relationship, stop."
May 29, 2018
Katherine Reynolds Lewis, a long-time journalist and parenting expert, has written a readable, accessible book on how to parent kids in the 21st century. She does an artful job of using anecdotes from her reporting on families and programs and her own life to bring each parenting issue alive. She includes specific advice on a range of parenting issues regardless of your child's age. The Good News About Bad Behavior is a great resource for parents, whether or not they've had specific issues with their children. We all need reminders about how important it is to give our kids ownership not only in their own lives but in the household. Kids can do so much more than we think, including making their own lunches at a young age and well, chopping firewood. This is a much-needed book, a great accompaniment to books like Jessica Lahey's The Gift of Failure.
September 24, 2018
Ever wonder if there really is something different about "kids today?" It turns out that the current generation of kids growing up truly do have less self-control and more emotional challenges than previous generations. But - that just means there's more opportunity to raise them right.
I just finished reading a review copy of Katherine Reynolds Lewis's new book, The Good News About Bad Behavior, where she tackles both the issues and opportunities.
She provides a solid summary of the research looking at how the environment kids are growing up in is fundamentally different and how it's affecting them. The book then presents "the apprenticeship model" for raising kids, with examples of three programs that are helping parents navigate this new territory. I found the book a great overview of this new model of parenting and why it works. I encourage you to check it out!
I just finished reading a review copy of Katherine Reynolds Lewis's new book, The Good News About Bad Behavior, where she tackles both the issues and opportunities.
She provides a solid summary of the research looking at how the environment kids are growing up in is fundamentally different and how it's affecting them. The book then presents "the apprenticeship model" for raising kids, with examples of three programs that are helping parents navigate this new territory. I found the book a great overview of this new model of parenting and why it works. I encourage you to check it out!
April 17, 2018
I received an advanced copy of the book through NetGalley. Let’s face it, when it comes to parenting, there are people who do it “the way I was raised” and those who are constantly seeking to improve upon what was done before by considering the latest research. As a father of 2 kids, I consider myself in the latter camp, and so I was eager to give this a read. Now that I have, the book will take a well-earned place on my bookshelf next to Positive Discipline and other texts I have read to try and improve how I parent. The problems Reynolds Lewis addresses regarding kids’ ability to self-regulate are systemic, and while I have obviously not yet had time to implement the strategies she provides, I’m eager to do so.
July 18, 2018
As a teacher, I enjoy reading books on brain science, parenting and/or classroom management. Anything I can get my hands on to help me understand where my students are coming from is valuable to me. I really dig this book. I think it gives a really balanced and compelling picture of what connecting with kids and encouraging them towards independence can look like. It isn't easy, but it is refreshing to know that their are people out there who are giving it a go with the current culture and brain science in mind. I was also fascinated by many of the longitudinal studies showing how kids' brains have changed over the decades. This is worth a read if you work with kids. Though I am not yet a parent and I found it valuable and relevant to my teaching philosophy.
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