Refocusing My Family: Coming Out, Being Cast Out, and Discovering the True Love of God

by Amber Cantorna-Wylde

In 2012, at the age of twenty-seven, Amber Cantorna came out to her family as gay. As the daughter of a Focus on the Family executive, that transparency cost her everything.

Refocusing My Family is Amber's journey from the suffocating expectations of Focus on the Family to the liberating joy of claiming her own identity.

A powerful story of survival, Amber's struggle under the weight of perfectionism, reputation, and appearances is transformed into freedom when she boldly steps into her identity and discovers that the true love of God surpasses all.

Genres: Nonfiction, LGBT, Memoir, Religion, Christianity, Christian, Queer

272 pages, Hardcover

Published October 1, 2017

About the author

Amber Cantorna-Wylde (she/her) is a national speaker, community healer, and the author of three books. Her newest book, Out of Focus: My Story of Sexuality, Shame, and Toxic Evangelicalism releases Oct. 2023. As a gay woman living with the invisible disability of both Lyme disease and rheumatoid arthritis, Amber specializes in bringing messages of diversity, hope, and self-acceptance to those who have been pushed to the margins. She is the host of the Unashamed Love Collective – a safe haven for LGBTQ+ people and allies that fosters supportive community. She also leads Cultivating Community Retreats—small, intimate group gatherings that build lasting relationships with like-minded people.

To partner with Amber in the continuation of her work, visit Patreon.com/AmberCantornaWylde.

Follow her on social media at @AmberCantornaWylde and learn more about her work at AmberCantornaWylde.com.

Reviews

[Monica · Rating 5 out of 5]

Going to buy several and sneak them into church bookshelves

Thank you, thank you, thank you!
As a former Christian and homeschooler myself, reading about your experience was real and powerful. I'm so thankful you were able to transcribe the things your family said to you. I've blocked out my own terrifying interactions with disapproving parents and elders, and it was helpful for me to read your parents' words and deconstruct them along with you.

[Alisha Roach · Rating 4 out of 5]

Painful, emotional, challenging, hopeful. I admire the author for sharing her life with us.

[* · Rating 2 out of 5]

When I read a book, I try to get into the author’s groove and let them show me what they want to show me. To say that was a struggle with this book is an understatement. And not because of theology.

On the surface, what the author is trying to show is pretty straightforward:
- what it’s like to grow up in a family that values and prioritizes family
- what it’s like to grow up in a family and religious culture that says it’s wrong to be gay
- what it’s like to then realize you are gay
- what it’s like to come out in said culture
- what the author’s personal family rift looks like
- what it’s like to move on to something healthier

You pretty much get all that from the title, and that’s all well and good. Overcoming hardship and all that jazz.

What you don’t get from the blurb or title is that the author is accomplishing all of the above while also showing you:
- what it’s like to believe that someone else is always to blame for all of your problems
- what it’s like to still believe that your parents should have been perfect during every moment of your childhood
- what it’s like to live in high drama
- what it’s like to live by double standards
- what it’s like to read pages and pages of explanation of the author’s emotions. Not gripping emotion. More of a laundry list of grievances.

The book reads like a diary. The thing with diaries is that they are not usually written with an audience in mind. By their very nature, they are self-indulgent. This book is a case in point.

I don’t like rating and reviewing a book like this. I’m talking about somebody’s telling of their life story, and now I’m going to rank it next to all the other things on my bookshelf. Like, oh say, Dorothy Day’s autobiography and Les Misérables. Maybe that’s not really fair. But I can only read so many books in my life, and the time I wasted on this is time I could have spent on something written by an author who wants their reader to take something important, inspirational or life-changing away from their work.

If you enjoy reality television, you might enjoy this book. If you want to learn something or grow from a book in some way, your odds are better with something else.

[Holly Bryant · Rating 5 out of 5]

A lot of this story felt like my own story and coming out experience. I’m glad that Amber finds her happy ending.

[Suzanne Hall · Rating 5 out of 5]

A powerful, moving account of Amber's struggle to find peace in simply being who God created her to be.

[Jim Gordon · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found Amber's story fascinating. I am not an avid reader, so when I finished this book in three days you know this was a book that really caught my interest. I knew of Focus on the Family for years and was interested in finding out how they would react and treat someone who came out as gay. It was heartbreaking reading the things Amber went through from her family, from friends and from those who should have been her biggest supporters...fellow christians. She mentions several personal situations in the book that were sad, discouraging, uplifting and happy along with some interesting information about being part of Focus on the Family and the Adventures in Odyssey. In all, this book is an interesting story of Amber's life from childhood to present. It shows how people can be mean and exclusive to others just because of traditions and wrong interpretations they learned within the christian church. It is also a story of encouragement and hope knowing that God is the one who truly loves us all unconditionally.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amber is a brave and amazing young woman. Her honesty and willingness to be vulnerable and share her story is truly amazing and I believe her story will help many people come to terms with their own sexuality and their relationships with their loved ones. I was able to relate too much of what she wrote – I was raised in a religious home and became very involved in the evangelical church in college. I also had to navigate the process of coming out, and lost friends due to being honest about who I am. Fortunately, my parents accepted me me – but I know all too well of the judgmental mindset of fundamentalist Christians and the pain that can inflict on a person. I too have faced the internal struggle of being gay as Christian, trying to deny my sexuality and force myself to become straight. I chose a different path than Amber – I left Christianity entirely – but I found much to relate to in her story. This is an amazing book by an amazing author. I recommend gay people struggling with their faith as well as family members and friends of gay people wanting to understand what it's like to grow up gay in a religious home.

[Rev. Deb · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you want to understand what fundamentalist Christians do to rip at the hearts of our LGBTQ siblings, read this...

[Marie · Rating 4 out of 5]

http://mariesbookgarden.blogspot.com/...

Before I read this book, all I knew about Focus on the Family was that it is an extremely conservative, LGBTQ- and feminist-bashing, political organization that uses the Bible as a weapon. Either you're in, or you're out and rejected completely. But I knew very little about the culture in the organization.

Amber Cantorna was raised deeply embedded in this strict religious tradition; in fact her dad was an executive in the Focus on the Family organization. As she grew older, she found something missing in her life as she realized she was attracted to women. At first she felt great shame about this, but eventually she realized that coming out and being true to herself was the best way to honor God and who she was made to be.

She bravely outed herself to her family and they rejected her. I'm glad Amber has found love, but her story is another reminder of how many ways people are hurt by the church. It breaks my heart. Fortunately she has found another church that welcomes her with open arms.

[Deidre · Rating 3 out of 5]

A brave story from the point of view of someone with everything to loose by telling it.

[Presley Darnell · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have read this book three times. I identify with the author and her experiences. I heard many of these same terrible things from my own family, and by God’s providence found a loving, affirming church.

[Spencer · Rating 5 out of 5]

A memoir applicable to many Christians that grew up in the evangelical, Focus on the Family-influenced environments. This book deals primarily with Amber's story of being gay and how that Focus on the Family brand of evangelical Christianity caused her pain growing up as well as the continuing separation from her family of living life as a gay Christian, however, she mentions some of the other things that that style of Christianity demanded of people, service always, sacrifice of self for the betterment of others - always - that I have been thinking about lately. Now these things are not bad in of themselves, as Christianity does call adherents to serve others, but I believe that this style of Christianity calls us to serve others at the expense of our emotional and spiritual well-being. Just something I've been thinking about lately that this book mentions as part of the overall story.

[Elizabeth Hupp · Rating 5 out of 5]

A powerful story of refocusing one's belief system

I appreciate that she clearly loves her parents. And that she loves God enough not to close religion in to a box built by the heritage within which she grew up. She honestly shares her thought and experience process of coming to a place of acceptance of herself and of God's love for her as their precious child.

[Kristen EJ Lauderdale · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a painful story of a daughter's struggle for unconditional love and acceptance, and the family and church that would not budge. At the same time, the author's survival and reinvention were very inspiring.

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was raised in a very strict Baptist home and remember having to listen to Focus on the Family. I can absolutely relate to what she went through, as I too am gay, However, I can't even begin to imagine being raised by a Focus Executive. Excellent book!!

[Catherine Martin · Rating 5 out of 5]

A young woman who is the daughter of a Focus on the Family executive comes out and in the process is rejected by her biological family. By God's grace, she discovers a new church family. A beautiful story of love, but also of trials and difficulties in finding her way. A good book.

[Dana Stinson · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good read. I found myself relating to so much. I strongly recommend.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This Booked Helped Me and Could Help You

I was so excited when I heard this book existed, because I grew up in an evangelical Christian household, listening to Adventures in Odyssey in the car or at bedtime. Coming out to my mom years ago was not this happy moment, but a sad reminder of the homophobia still rampant in the church. As my girlfriend and I start thinking of getting engaged, a wedding and further building our lives together, it’s become more important that I stand up for myself when it comes to my family, but it is so hard and scary.

Amber’s story, though heartbreaking, has inspired me to speak to my family about what I believe is right more and more and to know that if they do decide to be hurtful and denounce my marriage, my love, who I am that it will be okay because of the chosen family we can find.

This is such a great book and I’m so happy that Amber had the courage to tell her story. I’m hopeful more Christians will read this book, especially those who have grown up with Focus on the Family, and really listen to Amber’s story.

[Chris Hyde · Rating 4 out of 5]

Amber Cantorna's father is an executive with Focus on the Family, the largest Evangelical organization in North America. She was raised in the shadow of this ministry and her family was highly involved in everything that made up a good, conservative Christian family. When Amber discovered her true identity and came out of the closet, all hell broke loose. This is the story of Amber and her journey from being in bondage to Evangelicalism to embracing her true self and finding freedom as a lesbian woman who is still deeply committed to God. I found her story to be both interesting (since my story has many similarities) and sad. Amber is still recovering from the deep wounds to her soul from growing up in such a strict religious environment and I believe this book to be part of her healing. For anyone struggling with being LGBT and being raised in a strict Christian environment, this book provides one story of courage, freedom, and healing.

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Astonishing...that word resonated in my soul throughout this whole book. How God can take what seems to be an unbearable trial and use it for His glory! I am astonished at the raw pain that Amber endured, the miracle that she walked through the pain to see the other side and the blessing that she is today to others by sharing her story.
I wish this book had been available 20 years ago. If you have been kicked out, cast out or made to feel that you are alone, please grab this book. We are never alone. We just need to find our tribe! Even when it looks different from everything we've experienced.
This book has given me the strength and courage to go out and begin to search for my own Godly tribe... I don't think there's anything more beautiful than that. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for laying your heart out so that others may be encouraged.

[Mitchell · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found this to be a deeply personal and ultimately quite moving memoir about being raised in an evangelical family and journeying down a path of self-discovery and gayness. Some of the storytelling felt non-linear, which wasn't my personal cup of tea, but overall Cantorna was a very generous writer who gave others a peek into her life and story. I do think this book is written a little more for the curious-and-straight and lonely-and-queer-Christian type audiences—by which I mean that the book is written in such a way that is more about faith and the personal journey that Cantorna went through rather than a wholehearted celebration of queerness and all its permutations. Nonetheless, I hope this joins the libraries where faith and queerness are not contradictions.

[heidi · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve rated this book 5 stars due to the author’s vulnerability, purpose, and transparency required in tackling a memoir about being both LGBTQ within a conservative (fundamental) Christian family of origin. I’ve found Cantorna’s second book (Unashamed) to be better written, but no less compassionate and clear about closing the gap between how conservative Christianity presents in Western culture and how it responds to LGBTQ people and conversations. Cantorna is everything conservative Christianity isn’t in regards to this topic: compassionate, loving, and open. We need more voices to show up in this way and to offer hope to LGBTQ Christians, because you can be both—you should *never* have to choose between the two.

[Kelly Houske · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredibly honest - open and vulnerable

So much of my own experience was revealed in this wonderful story of doubt, pain and rejection, love, acceptance and peace. We are different. We ate the same. We are real people who love Jesus and want the best for all we meet.

Jesus’ mission for the church has never changed. We are commanded to go and make disciples. Sometimes that gets lost in our day to day struggles. That had been the case for me. I am learning still...

[Karen Petersen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Coming from a similar background, I related wholeheartedly with Amber. I personally found the book very affirming, even though I chose to walk away from the church. I've recently finished writing my story and am currently looking to publish, so I was also encouraged to see Amber's book in print. It's an important read for the mainstream and fundamentalist churches.

[Sherrill S. · Rating 1 out of 5]

Words cannot begin to express my DEEP SADNESS re this "coming out" and bashing her family & Focus on the Family!! I know 1st hand just how hard it is to have a well known, well liked father- even a legend...BUT this is just a terrible abomination, so so sad. Amber has bought into the lies of same sex love and marriage. My heart breaks for her her parents and the FABULOUS organization of FoF!!!

[Cadie Holmes · Rating 4 out of 5]

This story resonates with me so strongly. I grew up in a similar culture and had similar experiences. While I have since left the church, this book was helpful in my own healing and processing. This is a must read for queer folx who grew up evangelical.

[Michael Wells · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a beautiful and tragic story. Amber found out she has feelings for women and her family is a very strict Christian family. The stories is about her ups and downs as she tries to be with her family and then finally has to find a new family. I highly recommend this book

[Anna Welch · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a must for me. this story is much like my own. A hard book to read for me but a beautiful one.

[Lady Brainsample · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars

[Kevin · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a difficult story, mostly for the rejection by her family, but also for the Christian cringe.