Addio, amico mio: Affrontare il lutto per la perdita di un animale domestico

by Wallace Sife

Un aiuto per chi ha subito la perdita di un animale domestico, spesso parte integrante della famiglia.
I principali argomenti trattati nel volume sono:
- Come gestire il lutto e confrontarsi con i bambini.
- Come prendere la decisione di sopprimere un animale e superarne il trauma.
- Come la religione affronta l’argomento della morte degli animali
- Alcuni consigli pratici sull’organizzazione del funerale e sul seppellimento degli animali, con tanti indirizzi utili di enti specializzati in italia.

Wallace Sife, psicologo, è fondatore e CEO dell’Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement, un’organizzazione no profit che aiuta a superare il lutto per la perdita di un animale.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Animals, Grief, Dogs, Audiobook, Spirituality

311 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 1993

Reviews

[Kim · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really was completely lost when my dearest Hannah passed away last summer. She was 11 1/2 years old and we had been companions since she was 10 weeks old. For the whole of her life we had only been apart for maybe 2 weeks in total. My life, my habits were totally wrapped up in Hannah - for good and for bad. When she succumbed to congestive heart failure much sooner than I thought she would leave me, I was devastated emotionally and spiritually. I didn't just lose a pet - I lost my whole way of life, people who were connected to Hannah and I, and a positive life-force in my life who made me laugh, smile, was there when I cried, was there when I went through some of the most horrible times of my life. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep in my bed, I could barely walk in the door of my house without remembering Hannah - or rather, remembering that she was no longer there. Everywhere I went in the house made me cry because she wasn't standing beside me anymore. To some people this might sound pathetic, and in many ways I was ashamed that I felt so strongly about the loss of a dog. But she was my Hannah. She allowed me to give affection, express my feelings in a very safe and accepting environment and I freely gave of myself to her in a totally unselfish and uninhibited way. It wasn't complicated and she gave back to me, as well, in a way that was also simple and straightforward.

While I understood, intellectually, what I was going through, emotionally I didn't have the strength of heart to emerge from my grief. Indeed, I'd never experienced grief, truly, before. It coloured everything in my world. It was all encompassing. And it was a completely solo experience. I couldn't really share it with anyone because no one had lost Hannah to the depth that I had. No matter how much I tried to explain to people how I felt I always knew that they didn't get it. No one could. So, I was also very isolated. For a while I even considered getting counseling specific to pet loss, but then I found this book.

I decided that I needed something to shake me up and I chose this one. Reading about how devastating grief can be and how it progresses really helped me to understand where I was in the spectrum. Having something to understand about how I felt helped me to emerge, gradually, from the pall I was under. Note that I never felt depressed during this journey - I was just grieving. And that was a difference that I was always aware of, always checking in myself.

I read this book off and on, whenever I felt overwhelmed again by the grief and each time I did I felt further freed from it's grasp. Perhaps this was just the progression of time and the loosening of grief's hold on me, but it did coincide with the reading and I did feel more free each time, so I can only think that it did help me move on.

I know that I will always feel sad about losing Hannah. I will always experience my thoughts of her as a loss. I have come to believe that grief is the strongest emotion I can ever feel, but it is also a reflection of the power of my love for Hannah and the strength of our bond: almost the reverse of the coin in terms of our relationship. With great love comes great sadness at its loss. This book, though, helped me to understand my grief from an emotional point of view and that was the greatest achievement I could hope for from a simply horrible event. It has helped me to allow myself to move forward from that grief now and I'm even looking forward to getting another dog and forming the bond all over again. Even though I know that I will probably experience another loss similar to Hannah's. Yet, I survived that and I have a lot more knowledge of myself and my attachment to my pets now. And that is much more than I had before.

Grief is a very personal experience. And it can be a very immersive one, as well. This book may not be helpful to you, but it was to me. I would have tried other books if this one didn't speak to me, but I'm glad that I found this one. Today, I'm finally able to say that I have finished reading it. But I'm sure that I will always refer to it as I continue to move through my grief - for it does wax and wane through time even today - and as I experience further losses of pets in my life.

[Dawn · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has been a huge help to me as I mourn the loss of my cat due to cancer. It helped me to understand the grieving process and the stages of grief and loss. I have been having a particularly hard time dealing with the guilt of not catching her illness sooner, and this book has a chapter on guilt that helped me a lot. The author is a pet bereavement counselor. I recommend it for anyone who is dealing with the loss of a pet, or for anyone who has pets. I think reading it before illness occurs would have better prepared me for the shock of it.

[Jessica · Rating 3 out of 5]

I recently lost my 12 year-old cat to cancer, and while I agree with others that this book is pretty dry and clinical (and possibly a bit outdated, as the edition I read is 23 years old now), it does have some good points and suggestions. For example: "It's not too late to say something to your deceased pet. Over a period of time, make a list of all the loving memories you have of your pet. Constantly amend this list. Then write a letter to your pet, remembering all these intimate smiles and tears. Keep this as part of your loving good-bye in this life. But remember, the loving memories live on forever with you, so something of your beloved pet will never die and leave you. Letting go of the pain is not letting go of the loving memories. This list and letter will take on added value with time." I couldn't bring myself to read the "resolution" chapter or other "moving on"-related sections, as I am not ready for that yet, but reading about the different stages of grief and how NORMAL my feelings are (which I technically knew, but it's nice to see it in print) was a small comfort.

In my opinion, anyone who has lost a dear pet can find something that resonates with them or that is helpful in this book.

In case it will assist anyone, I also liked this page:
http://petlosshelp.org/10commonquesti...

**I may come back to this review once I've read other books on pet loss to suggest additional resources.

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve read a million different types of books on death, grief, bereavement psychology, historical burial rites, religious context, philosophical arguments and so on. This book has somehow taken a slice from the best books on the larger subject of death, added the specific dimension of pet loss, and created a comprehensive analysis and guidebook.
On occasion I’ve been accused of intellectualizing my grief in a way that can keep it arm’s length. This book does not allow that. The author is an extremely gifted writer, seamlessly weaving in and out of the reader’s heart, memories, and academic interest. There is something substantial in the book for every type of investigating griever.
I suggest that people who are close to their pets read this long before their death is in view. There are concrete suggestions of things to consider long before you say your final farewell, and if his advice is heeded, I daresay the loss will be slightly less devastating. And certainly, if you didn’t read this before your companion died, like myself, it’s never too late.
I took copious notes about which I plan to journal my reactions, if only as an exercise through my mourning. Please buy this book as soon as possible.

[Julie · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is my second time reading this book, and as I read, I remembered how unhelpful it was for me in 2004. Nine years later, I'll modify that opinion by saying that chapter 17, "Some Practical Suggestions in Review", was helpful, although perhaps not worth the price of the book. Specifically, suggestion 2 got me choked up:

"2. Write a letter or will from your pet to yourself. Keep this as a permanent memory. You may be amazed at how much this reveals to you about yourself. Years later this will become a very valuable personal document."

[Melanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm actually reading this now for a second time, after recently losing my cat to cancer. I've felt blindsided by the overwhelming flood of emotions I've been experiencing, and the wisdom in this book has helped me deal with the terrible feelings of loss, grief, and depression.

[Fran · Rating 3 out of 5]

On the plus side, this book was helpful because it describes what people go through when their pets die, and it was helpful to feel like I recognized myself and the things I'm going through right now in the pages. It gives some insights into why bereaved pet owners feel the way they do and offers some constructive suggestions for how to move through your grief.
Regrettably, as others have said, the book is sloppily edited, and I was annoyed by all the griping asides about "society these days," which felt a bit like having someone start ranting about politics during your therapy session. There's a time and a place bro. I think I was just hoping for something a little more academic and that's just not really what this book is. However, when the book is actually doing what it says it does and guiding you, it's pretty helpful. And when push comes to shove, it made me feel significantly better, so thanks Dr. Sife.

[Elizabeth · Rating 2 out of 5]

I don't usually rate books that I haven't finished reading. This one, though, I will not finish, but I still have something to say about it. This is pitched at people who have lost pets, but it reads as if for psychiatrists who are puzzled by the grief of their patients over the loss of a pet. The main text of the book is rather dry and clinical (and I have a much higher than average appreciation of academic detachment), really not much that one can't pick up from reading advice columns in the newspaper, but in slightly more highbrow language. The case studies held out the promise of more personal consolation, but they mainly seemed to be about outlyers (people who were distraught years after the loss of the pet) and to illustrate how grief over the loss of a pet was "really" about dysfunctional human relationships (thus undermining the contention in the main text that grief over the death of a pet is normal and genuine). My decision not to finish this book came when I picked up a similarly pitched book and found myself sobbing over the first chapter. I'll review that one when I'm finished with it.

[Sherry Ward · Rating 5 out of 5]

I won this book in a goodreads giveaway. I was very surprised as I read the book at how the author paralleled the loss of a pet with stages of grief and dying. I was surprised because I am a MSW, and it really never occurred to me to apply that to the loss of a pet. I am an animal lover and have usually always had multiple pets at any given time. I was raised on a farm and this was a way of life. I found myself grieving all over again for my many pet companions that I have lost. I also gained a great deal of insight on why some of the loses were so difficult- they occurred at a time when there were other things going on in life. The author gave case studies to illustrate the different concepts. The book also has practical tips to help the process and I personally would recommend this book for all that have a counseling background. I plan to utilize it to help others as necessary to dealing with the loss of a pet.

[Ashley Marie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Doc brought this home from the church library after we had Slicky put down recently - I can see how it might help others, but self-help has never been my go-to genre, and the majority of what Sife mentions fall into the category of common sense. I skimmed most of it and was glad to see from his list of suggestions toward the end that we seem to be handling this the way mature, well-adjusted people do. It's never easy, but we're hanging in there.

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn’t get all the way through this book, but what I read I LOVED. I kept going “yes! Absolutely! So true!” with every paragraph, and I found it so relatable and validating. Would like to finish it one day when I feel ready.

[Faith · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm not sure how to digest this book. My first thought is, how did a book in its fourth edition end up with such dire need for editing? Please, let me take my red pen to the first chapter.

There were undeniably some good, VERY helpful thoughts and sentences as I go through grieving the loss of my beloved cat. There was a lot of validation for the trauma of pet loss, which is absolutely needed. Those thoughts only came from this book and I am thankful for them. However, there was so much in this book that took away from the experience for me. First of all, Sife constantly says we should allow ourselves to grieve, etc., but then will say things like "the depression should only last a few days." HELLO?!?! I am sure that is not what he meant, but I wish he would stay away from time elements at all.

Second, he will say things like, "Your emotions are valid. BUT!!!!!! Make sure you aren't being too X or doing X or feeling X." I am over-dramatizing, but I wish he would just say a point and let it stand. I KNOW I should not let it go on for too long, or be too clingy with my friends, or whatever other thing he is saying. If you have to include warnings or "but...", then do it at the end of each chapter in a general section about "going too far" or whatever else.

I am hoping other people had different experiences with this book. It was certainly adequate and I don't doubt Sife's experience in these matters. I just think some ideas could be presented in a different way.

[Andrea James · Rating 2 out of 5]

I can see why this book would be popular among pet lovers who feel everyone else can't understand the depths of their sorrow. But maybe as I picked up this book in an attempt to understand this grief rather than suffering a personal loss, I found the book repetitive and I'm still not entirely comfortable with what sometimes seems like an unhealthy dependence on a pet for one's emotional well-being (and the dramatic loss that occurs when that pet dies).

[Kristin · Rating 2 out of 5]

Really hope he gets to the point -- dealing with loss of a pet-- soon. So far it's all platitudes and really rather patronizing.

I had to finally stop reading. There should be a better resource for people facing the death of a pet than this. Disappointed.

[Nikki Li · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn't finish this book, but I didn't need to. It served it's purpose for me when I needed it. This would be a good book to read front to back for someone who loses a pet that hasn't had a good amount of experience with loss and grief previously.

[Nicole Ambrosino · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read this book for each time I have lost a pet and it helped me each time.

[Rosemary Sullivan · Rating 4 out of 5]

In some ways "The Loss of a Pet: A Guide To Coping With The Grieving Process When A Pet Dies," by Wallace Sife, helped me live through my grief and in other ways it caused me even more anxiety. Mr. Sife, a psychotherapist who founded the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement and was inspired to write about pet loss after the untimely death of his miniature Dachshund, Edel Meister, obviously deeply loves animals. As such, he is writing from the point of view that many people don't take the grieving of pet loss owners seriously enough. He therefore has multiple aims with this book. He wants to assert the dignity of such owners during a vulnerable time and he can't help but advocate for the better treatment of animals.

Don't get me wrong, Mr. Sife does seek to console, but he also wants to scold (and somewhat comfort in a, "You'll be haunted for the rest of your life but will learn to live with it,"sort of way.) people whose pets have gone missing, as opposed to dying. He offers several bone-chilling worst-case scenarios for their lost pal (think "vicious feral animals" and people). He also promotes causes such as vegetarianism and "Last Chance for Animals," a nonprofit that, "continues to stop pet theft and the profit it offers some individuals," (p.123).

Those topics and causes are worthy of attention, but that is not what I needed when I checked this book out of the library. Instead of being comforted about my beloved dog, Buddy, who had just passed away, I became extremely worried about what fate may have befallen my parakeet, Charles, who flew away when I was a child. Mr. Sife writes of a woman, confined to a wheelchair, whose service dog was stolen. "The horrors of what might have befallen her adored companion animal were too much to contend with. The unbearable uncertainty and loneliness caused her to suffer a fatal heart attack," (page 121).

How horrible! If this was a way to comfort me by distracting me from my own loss, it worked, at least temporarily. All I could think was, "Oh my gosh, that poor woman!" This wasn't the only horrifying anecdote. There were others including a heart-wrenching one that involved a man's dog and an alligator. Overall, I don't think hearing about other people's nightmares is a constructive way to help grief-stricken pet owners out of their own despair. I feel that Mr. Sife was yearning to write another book in addition to this one; a guide for people who had just adopted a pet. He writes of the role of pet owners as vigilant stewards, always needing to keep an eye on open doors and windows, quick escape routes for nimble creatures.

But there is also great advice and sympathy for those of us who are heartbroken over the loss of a best friend. He understands where we're coming from. In the days after Buddy passed away, my family and I couldn't bring ourselves to empty his water bowl. It just sat there for a week, in case he got thirsty and needed it. Even after we put it away, I once filled it and put it back on the floor because I couldn't bear to see the empty space where it had been. In writing of the stages of grief, Mr. Sife, reflected, "As in fairy tales, we often indulge in magical thinking. Oh, how we want to believe! For example, if we put out the food dish, maybe somehow our pet will come back to eat. This is a lovely reverie, but it is not real. We have to let go,"(p. 78).

But we don't have to let go of the part of ourselves that was transformed by the love of this innocent being. "We get much love and delight from them in life, and we grieve deeply for them when they die. Because of the unique enhancement they provide in our lives, they become a treasured part of us, forever,"he writes. "When a pet's life ends, more dies than just a beloved companion animal. Since we subliminally make them into living symbols of our own innocence and purest feelings, it can feel as if a treasured secret part of each of us also dies," (p.20). This is so true for me. When I buried my sweet Buddy, I felt like the best part of who I was had left with him. Buddy brought out a tenderness in me that inspired me to be kind to animals and people alike. But Mr. Sife argues that we have not lost that side of ourselves, but that it can be "reborn" as we have the belief that we will reunite with our pets someday. This sense of spirituality is "a living tribute to the pet,"(p.21). He emphasizes several times in the book, that the best way to honor our pet's memory is in the way we live our lives.

And that needs to be without guilt. Mr. Sife writes that during this time we are, "prone to creating guilt." I do feel that. For example, I feel guilty that I was not with Buddy when he died, even though my parents were with him in those final moments. He writes that we have to forgive ourselves and let go of this self-destructive behavior.

It is an issue he deals with in his case histories from therapy sessions that are a part of each chapter. He uses the histories to show the different experiences of grief patients of his have endured after the loss of a pet. He often goes into the details of their personal lives, for instance, in one case the sudden death of a thirty-something woman's dog causes her clinical depression that is linked, in part, to the death of her alcoholic father and estrangement from the rest of her family. She had been in an "emotional cocoon" with her dog, because of "shyness and low self-esteem," (p.103-104).In the book, therapy is something Mr. Sife advises readers they may want to seek, for example, if their depression doesn't lift. You sense his frustration - that he doesn't know the personal histories of his readership the way he does those of his patients. This prevents him from being able to streamline his advice, instead having to explore both more common and extreme reactions to pet loss.

But another positive point that Mr. Sife makes is that rather than have our pet's passing be a source of pain for the rest of our lives, we could use the experience to grow. Life is about evolving. It is possible to learn more about ourselves, during this sorrowful time.

This brings me to another section of the book, which incorporates religion. Mr. Sife reckons that traditional religions offer little in the way of support for this kind of loss, but he feels that is changing. He quotes Matthew: Verse 29 from the New Testament and then explains what the passage means. "Jesus says, 'Are not two sparrows sold for a cent? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father.' In this quotation, Jesus is saying that not even a sparrow can die apart from the notice and will of God...If a sparrow dies and that is heeded by God, then certainly all other creatures - including our beloved pets -are blessed by this, as well," (p.205).

He asked other religious leaders in the New York area to offer their insight into pet loss. Most agreed, but sadly the Catholic Archdiocese of New York did not contribute because of ,"time constraints." But this was back in 2005, so hopefully things have changed. I emailed a Catholic faith community for support and they sent me back a thoughtful message that I have practically memorized.

Of the interviews Mr. Sife was able to conduct, I found the words of Reverend Canon Joel A. Gibson, Subdean for The Cathedral Church of St. John the Divine to be especially helpful. He echoes a sentiment my mother has shared with me, that "Buddy exists in God's mind." Rev. Canon Gibson explains,"There are those who ask the question, 'Do animals have souls like ours, and will they be with us in an afterlife?' In a loss situation this question is best heard as an expression of the deep love for that which is lost in death. It is not so important to search for the answer to that which only God knows, as to trust that which God loved is always under God's care. We as a people of faith, are our own proof of this comforting truth,"(p.210-211).

Along with spiritual reflection, Mr. Sife also offers advice on difficult matters, such as euthanasia and what to ask pet cemeteries. In the back of the book, he lists cemeteries and crematories in each state, but the cemetery that was recommended and was closest to my family's home was run-down. (We were able to locate a beautiful, well-maintained one through our veterinarian. Mr. Sife does recommend seeking the advice of your vet). Perhaps that was not the case a decade ago when this copy of the book was re-issued. This is the book's third edition.

The author also offered exercises one could do to help cope with the death, which included composing a log of loving memories of your pet, making a donation to a worthy cause in your pet's name and tips on how to help children cope with loss. He also suggested a funeral service, where others share their memories, and the reader prepares a eulogy. I did this and I also used a reading from the front of the book, which I found particularly moving, titled, "Tribute To The Dog,"which is ahead of the table of contents. There are other great passages in the book as well, including an anonymous text from a memorial on page 180 and an essay Mr.Sife wrote in the newsletter of the California Dog's Club, titled, "All Pets Go To Heaven," on pages 215 - 216. I don't want to quote from any of these, because they must be read in their entirety. It is such beautiful prose that speaks to the heart.

The photos in the book are black and white and are mostly headstones or memorials to lost pets. One that was particularly intriguing was a gravestone inscribed to a raccoon. It read "Tony The Raccoon: 1953-1957, Loved By Harvey Sperling's," (p.112). I bet Tony and Harvey made quite a team. It's a shame these wonderful bonds ever have to be broken, even if one believes the separation is only temporary. There is such joy in them.

[Britt · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is probably a better resource for people that aren’t me. I think if you are new to pet loss or haven’t read or explored the topic at all yet this might be helpful to prep you. I’m a psychologist so I can have higher expectations for self-help books. This one is a little outdated and some of the author’s personal opinions about “these days” were less useful. The author is a professional in the field and gives some case examples (although more extreme) and practical suggestions for coping. He also has some chapters that will be relevant for specific people—like dealing with stolen or lost dogs, when to get another pet, pet loss for children, etc. It predominantly covers the stages of grief if you are into those (I’m not) and religion and afterlife (I’m also not). I do think his discussion on complications to grief when the pet-human bond has become unhealthy (a replacement for human relationships, over-anthropomorphism, avoidance of underlying mental health issues or using pets to fill a mental health need, over fixation of pets, etc.) is useful and could have been a separate chapter as I think this is going to be a growing area to explore as we become more of a pet dominated culture.

[Vanessa Roussos · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great book for any stage of grief after the loss of a pet. I personally picked the chapters that I felt I needed whilst reading - it’s amazing to be able to pick parts that you need in that moment and go back to them as you journey through your grief. I highly recommend this book if this is something you are going through or have gone through, or if it’s something that you are anticipating. The author is also very understanding and speaks from personal experience - unfortunately the loss of a pet isn’t always met with understanding and empathy, but you know that the author is speaking from the heart and through his own personal pain and grief which is reassuring and comforting during one of the worst times of your life.

[Amber Blanchette · Rating 2 out of 5]

skimmed this looking for something helpful, but this was not the text i needed. it seemed to have a bit of a religious undercurrent which is not to my personal liking, but perhaps i was just perceiving it that way. i didn't find particularly well-written or moving either. hoping to find another more suitable book for grieving a furiend.

[Gail Sharon Scearbo · Rating 2 out of 5]

Pedantic unimaginative writing style. Could have been 12 pages and carried all messages needed. If I had a dime for every time he said; "as mentioned previously" or "if it last more than a few days see a therapist". This book needed a very large red pen - where is the editing? Ugh

[Chris · Rating 4 out of 5]

Having recently lost a beloved dog, it was nice realizing how well i am coping. This is practical guide walking you through the stages of grief, normalizing grieving, and coming to peace with the situation. It is sad how some people just do not "Get" the loss of a pet.

[Maria Simonetti · Rating 2 out of 5]

Too clinical for coping with the loss of a pet. Some helpful points, but not good to listen to right after the loss of a dear pet. The author tells you there is no way to grieve but then proceeds to tell you how much is too much. The book felt more like an assignment than a guidebook on loss.

[B & A & F · Rating 4 out of 5]

More interesting are some of the reviews that completely misunderstood the messages of this book.

[Chels · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you 💔

[Jess16G · Rating 5 out of 5]

It is a start to healing.

[SonBeam · Rating 4 out of 5]

Broken hearted I had to read this but thankful, it is helping more than I anticipated.

[Ian Carpenter · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am super grateful for this book and want to take nothing from it's great usefulness of anyone grieving a pet. My partner and I needed this deeply. Just be warned it is endlessly, relentlessly repetitious. Sife himself practically points that out in his repeated "As I've said before"'s that dot every chapter for material that he's repeated mere paragraphs before.

The section on Religion and the Death of Pets is exceptional.

I'd recommend Going Home: Finding Peace when Pets Die by Jon Katz. But if you can't find that book, Sife's will be a huge help. I'm sorry for everyone that needs them.

[addition later after finishing Katz's book... Katz's is full of endless deaths of his animals and the collected total is likely too much for anyone grieving. Maybe Sife's is the book to choose.]

[Bernie · Rating 5 out of 5]

For anyone who has to go through this excruciating process - this book is very well-written, with many helpful suggestions and short case histories in highlighted boxes. Exhaustively covers the topic, with historical background, but most helpfully, topics such as euthanasia, explaining a pet's death to children, etc.

The author is a bereavement counselor - who better to counsel you in your time of loss? For the reviewers saying that the book is outdated (being 20 years old), I think death and the grief one feels is a universal and timeless experience. The photos of pet's headstones may be outdated, but I found those to be charming examples of how much we love 'our' animals and the many ways we can remember or memorialize our love for them.

May anyone who has reason to read this book find solace after losing their best friend/child/companion pet.

[Lindsay · Rating 5 out of 5]

This little book was such a help to me. I feel comforted when I have the right words to express my feelings and that is what this book did for me; supplied me with the vocabulary to understand what I'm going through. I lost my Q two weeks ago and I still miss her terribly. He discusses how to deal with children in these circumstances and specifically addresses euthanasia. It's only 160 pages and he uses specific case studies to illustrate his points. I hope he can help you in your time of grieving.