A arte de se comunicar

by Thich Nhat Hanh

Neste guia preciso e prático, Thich Nhat Hanh revela como ouvir atentamente e expressar o seu eu mais completo e mais autêntico. Com exemplos de seu trabalho com casais, famílias e "conflitos internacionais", A arte da comunicação nos ajuda a ultrapassar os perigos e frustrações de deturpação e mal-entendidos, para aprender a ouvir e a ter habilidades de fala que irão mudar para sempre como nós experimentamos e impactamos o mundo.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Communication, Buddhism, Spirituality, Philosophy, Psychology

135 pages, Kindle Edition

First published August 13, 2013

About the author

Thích Nhất Hạnh was a Vietnamese Buddhist monk, teacher, author, poet and peace activist who then lived in southwest France where he was in exile for many years. Born Nguyễn Xuân Bảo, Thích Nhất Hạnh joined a Zen (Vietnamese: Thiền) monastery at the age of 16, and studied Buddhism as a novitiate. Upon his ordination as a monk in 1949, he assumed the Dharma name Thích Nhất Hạnh. Thích is an honorary family name used by all Vietnamese monks and nuns, meaning that they are part of the Shakya (Shakyamuni Buddha) clan. He was often considered the most influential living figure in the lineage of Lâm Tế (Vietnamese Rinzai) Thiền, and perhaps also in Zen Buddhism as a whole.

Reviews

[Tony Rogers Jr. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Update 2022

This is my third time reading this book since my first review in 2015. Obviously I think the lessons are valuable yet I still say you don’t need to read the entire book to understand its message. Here are the core lessons of the book in plain language:

1. The human condition is full of suffering(feeling like shit)
2. Practice compassion (a deep concern for someone’s suffering)
3. Our goal as compassionate humans is to help others and yourself suffer less (feel like shit)
4. Speak to yourself and others in a way that won’t cause suffering (feeling like shit)
5. Write to yourself and others in a way that won’t cause suffering (feeling like shit)
6. When you suffer (feel like shit) return home, which is your inner self. Practice mindful breathing, good internal dialogue and mindful walking 🚶‍♂️

Original review 2015

Although I probably won't read this book in its entirety again, I did find value in it. The first few chapters drilled home the idea that I need to communicate ( write, speak, listen) to others out of complete compassion and understanding. It also taught that when I communicate the ultimate goal is to cause the receiver of my communication to experience less suffering, which to me, is a brilliant way of filtering all my communication with others from here on out.

I particularly liked these statements and ideas from the book as well:

You absorb the thoughts, speech, and actions you produce and those contained in the communications of those around you. That is a form of consumption.

In a relationship, we are nourishment for each other. So we have to select the kind of food we offer the other person, the kind of food that can help our relationship thrive. Everything – including love, hate, and suffering – needs food to continue. If suffering continues, it’s because we keep feeding our suffering. Every time we speak without mindful awareness, we are feeding our suffering. With mindful awareness, we can look into the nature of our suffering and find out what kind of food we have been supplying to keep it alive. When we find the source of nourishment for our suffering, we can cut off that supply, and our suffering will fade.

Many of us spend a lot of time in meetings or e-mailing with others, and not a lot of time communicating with ourselves. The result is that we don’t know what is going on within us. It may be a mess inside. How, then, can we communicate with another person?

We don’t tell our fear to go away; we recognize it. We don’t tell our anger to go away; we acknowledge it. These feelings are like a small child tugging at our sleeves. Pick them up and hold them tenderly. Acknowledging our feelings without judging them or pushing them away, embracing them with mindfulness, is an act of homecoming.

When you’ve understood your suffering, you suffer less, and you are capable of understanding another person’s suffering much more easily. When you can recognize the suffering of another person and see how that suffering came about, compassion arises. You no longer have the desire to punish or blame the other person. You can listen deeply, and when you speak there is compassion and understanding in your speech.

Usually when anger manifests, we want to confront the person we think is the source of our anger. We’re more interested in setting that person straight than in taking care of the more urgent matter, which is our own anger. We are like the person whose house is on fore who goes chasing after the arsonist instead of going home to put out the fire. Meanwhile, the house continues to burn.

All in all, I found some really good points sprinkled here and there. Especially in the first half of the book. Wasn't quite what I was expecting though.

[Lauren · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one I'll read again: developing, growing, and practicing.

A beautiful book on conflict resolution, sharing love and compassion, and learning to ask for help.

I especially enjoyed the six mantras:
- I am here for you.
- I know you are there, and I am very happy.
- I know you suffer, and that's why I am here for you.
- I suffer. Please help.
- This is a happy moment.
- You are partly right.

[EMMA · Rating 3 out of 5]

کتاب براساس آموزه های بودا نوشته شده که مثلا ابتدا باید درد و رنج را پذیرفت و بعد از پذیرفتن میتوان به زندگی با آرامش ادامه داد و این آرامش رو هم میتوان به ارتباط هامون تزریق کنیم.در کل کتاب بر روی محور پذیرفتن و دوست داشتن خودمون میگذره و یه سری تکنیک هم گفته که در بعضی مواقع چطور رفتار کنیم البته خب بدیهی بودن اون تکنیک ها ولی یکیشون خیلی نظرمو جلب کرد.
میگفت وقتی عصبانی هستیم و داریم با شخصی که دلیل عصبانیت ما بوده جروبحث میکنیم به مثابه اینکه اون شخص خونه ما را آتیش زده بجای اینکه خونه خودمونو خاموش کنیم دنبال یارو کردیم.
البته در نظر شخص نویسنده خونه، یعنی خودمون.
البته در کل بخوام بگم من این پذیرفتن درد و رنج رو قبول دارم، همونطور که آلبر کامو میگه آدما در مواجهه با پوچی زندگی سه عملکرد دارن، یکیش خودکشیه دومیش باور به خدا و سومی پذیرفتن پوچی زندگی و خلق هدف برای زندگی.
در کل این مقوله پذیرش درد و رنج یا پوچی زندگی همیشه بیان شده ولی به زبان های مختلف.
یکی دیگه از مثالهاش که بنظرم جالب بود این بود میگفت ما داریم تلویزیون میبینیم ولی برنامه جالبی پخش نمیکنه اما ما خاموشش نمکنیم حالا من خودم اینو
به اعتیاد به شبکه های اجتماعی تعمیم میدم با علم بر اینکه میدونیم هیچ دستاوردی نداره فعالیت در این شبکه ها ولی به کارمون ادامه میدیم چون ترس از پذیرش تنهایی داریم، البته این برداشت منه.شاید اشتباه کنم!!!!!
اگه به بودا علاقه دارید این کتابو بخونید وگرنه شاید حوصلتون سر بره و یا چیز خاصی دستگیرتون نشه!

[Vaishali · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the most important books I've read. How powerful karma is! Our every thought --each one -- is forever released as craft or ruin into the universe. Forever! Repairable, but non-retractable.

Notes :
———————————————

“Toxic conversation can be difficult to avoid, especially at work… You have to have enough mindful awareness not to absorb all these kinds of suffering. You have to protect yourself with the energies of compassion so that when you listen, instead of consuming toxins, you're actively producing more compassion in yourself. When you listen in this way, compassion protects you and the other person suffers less.”

“In a relationship, we are nourishment for each other. So we have to select the kind of food that we offer the other person, the kind of food that can help our relationships thrive. Everything needs food in order to continue--including love, hate, or suffering. If suffering continues, it's because we keep feeding our suffering. “

“We believe too much in the technology of communication… If our minds are blocked, there is no device that will make up for our inability to communicate with ourselves or others.”

“Home is inside us.”

“Freedom is the most precious thing there is. It is the foundation of happiness, and it is available to us with each conscious breath.”

“You don’t need to run anywhere. Many of us have run all our lives. Now we get to live life properly. Home is the here and the now.”

“The marketplace provides us with everything imaginable to help us run away from ourselves.”

“We need suffering… Understanding suffering always brings happiness… If we know how to take good care of suffering, we will know how to take good care of happiness.”

“Compassion is born from understanding suffering… Then our communication with others will be based on the desire to understand rather than the desire to prove ourselves right, or to make ourselves feel better.”

“He anticipated a downward spiral and prepared to go upward.”

“Truthful, loving speech is something we need to train ourselves in.”

4 Bodhisattva Trainings of Right Speech
—————
Tell the truth
Don’t exaggerate
Be consistent
Use peaceful language


“We have to find a way to tell the truth, so that the other person can receive it easily.”


4 Criteria for Right Speech
———————————————
1. We have to speak the language of the world
2. We may speak differently to different people, in a way that reflects how they think, their ability to receive the teaching
3. We give the right teaching according to person, time, and place… If you give someone the wrong medicine, that person could die.
4. We teach in a way that reflects the absolute truth


“Listening deeply is a kind of looking deeply.”

“Speaking in this way is as healing for the speaker as it is for the person being spoken to.”

“Your calm will be communicated to the other person.”


6 Mantras of Loving Speech
————————————-
“I am here for you.”
“I know you are there, and I am very happy.”
“I know you suffer, and that is why I am here for you.”
“I suffer. Please help.”
“This is a happy moment.”
“You are partly right. I have weaknesses in me, and I have strengths in me.”

“According to our practice at Plum Village, you have the right to suffer 24 hours, but not more. There’s a deadline; the deadline is 24 hours, and you have to practice the 4th mantra before the deadline.”

“Our communication is not neutral… (but) what we put out into the world, and what remains after we have left it. In this way, our communication is our karma.”

“You are your action… not only what you do with your body. but also with your words and your mind.”

“Thinking is already action… it is there, as powerful energy… Every thought will bring a fruit, sometimes right away, sometimes later on. When you produce a thought of hate, anger, or despair, that thought is a poison which will affect your body and your mind.”

“When we think…speak…act, we create…”

“Our communications will not be lost when we are no longer here; the feet of our thinking, our speech, and our physical actions will continue to ripple outwards into the cosmos. Whether this body is still here or has disintegrated, our actions will continue.”

“When you produce a thought, it bears your signature… We are like the cloud that produces the rain. Through the rain, the cloud continues to affect the crops, the trees, the rivers, even after the cloud is no longer floating there in the sky."



.

[Hákon Gunnarsson · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the first book by Thich Nhat Hanh that I read, and I think it is interesting. It is, as one might guess from the title, about the way we communicate with others, and what he has to say about it makes a lot of sense.

A man that is very hostile in the way he speaks to others is likely to get the same in return, and vice versa. I think the author is right that we really should try to communicate positively rather than negatively. Call me a tree hugger if you want, but I think we might actually get a more stable world if enough people went that way.

Occationally I felt like the editor should have asked the author how, and what do you mean, because it is not always clear. Most of the time that is not a problem, but it does happen, and I think that is the biggest flaw in this otherwise excellent book.

[James Scholz · Rating 5 out of 5]

timeless & thought provoking

[Jess the Shelf-Declared Bibliophile · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author has a new avid fan in me. I can't wait to dive through all the audiobooks of his works that I can find. The way he writes is so simple yet so profound. I definitely feel that this helped me be a more conscientious and loving communicator.

[Diana Bogan · Rating 2 out of 5]

For myself I thought the book was ok. I was hoping for greater insight, hoping to go somehow deeper than what the book offered. I found that a lot of what was mentioned in the book aligns with the way in which I already try to communicate, therefore in terms of finding ways for myself to become more skillful I didn't feel I necessarily got what I went looking for, however, instead I did find a few things I wasn't expecting.

My unexpected finds included how plainly the book is written, making it a good read for my middle school aged child. As a parent always looking for ways to teach my children mindful living, that the first half of the book (and particularly chapter 3) would be worth having my kids read (or reading it to them) and having them start trying to put it into practice as well.

Another unexpected find was the "Peace Treaty." One of my biggest difficulties in compassionate communication with others arises when there is conflict and I request time and space to settle out my own feelings and ground myself before engaging in a conversation about whatever difficulty has arisen. My challenge is that most often the other person doesn't understand or realize the need for my request to step away from the issue for at least a few hours. So, in future relationships with people not familiar with my communication style I'm hopeful that maybe something like the peace treaty will help bring about awareness and ultimately a more caring way of working out differences.

Overall, I'd say the book is a decent introduction to mindful communication.

[Yesenia Cash · Rating 5 out of 5]

A lotus for you, a Buddha to be...

[Anastasiia Mozghova · Rating 4 out of 5]

боюсь очерстветь и утратить способность быть доброй, уязвимой, нежной. боюсь потерять самых близких и дорогих из-за недопонимания и обид. читаю такие книги в попытках препятствовать и тому, и другому. нахожу в них поддержку и очень нужные примеры.

[Andrew H · Rating 3 out of 5]

All is suffering? All are born with original sin? Religion delights in beginning with unhappiness. Nonetheless, The Art of Communicating is thoughtful and filled with positive thoughts. Too much time is spent on the internet consuming poison rather than feeding nourishment to the mind. A wise and meaningful book but one that is somewhat simplistic.

[Ivan · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Želim razumjeti tvoje teškoće i tvoju patnju.Želim te saslušati jer te želim voljeti."

Hvala Tićo <3

[Lexy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought that this book was informational

[Barry · Rating 2 out of 5]

Dear Thich Nhat Hanh,
• When you refer to scientific facts you need to provide citations
• Your content was extremely basic
• You definitely provided good reminders
• The audiobook narrator you chose was extremely boring
• Too many archaic suggestions to the stresses of modern life. Overall the book would be more useful for someone living hundreds of years ago

[Antoinette Perez]

I read this book before going to sleep each night, and was filled with a sense of both desire to do better and peace, every single night. It was great. This is not a one-time read, but a reference guide I'll come back to, over and over again.

[Barry Welsh · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredible. Highly recommended

[Antonis Giannoulis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ομολογουμένως δεν βρήκα τίποτα να με κάνει να διαφωνώ . Λιτότητα αμεσοτητα και συγκεκριμένες σκέψεις και ιδέες. Βουδιστικες αρχες και τρόπος σκέψης ,ειλικρινές ώριμο και δοτικό .

[ANNEstories · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book reminds me of Richard Carlson’s Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff. A lot of compassionate communication and mindful awareness of yourself and the people around you to create a harmonious way of life.

The art of deep listening of your thoughts and understanding your own suffering in the pursuit of Happiness. Because when you understand your suffering, you suffer less. And Suffering is needed to grow Happiness. They always go together. The Yin and the Yang.

That it takes a lot of maturity to joyful living. Thich Nhat Hanh preached to be careful with the words you put out when the tension is high. In short, a lot of self-control, self-control and more self-control.

The author further emphasized Mindful breathing- focus on the non talking and non thinking. It gives Higher opportunity for Joy. The usual Stop and Focus on the now. Sitting down and being w yourself. Hence, Mindful Walking- connect the body and the mind.


„“
Food. What we consume w our eyes, ears, nose and our body are also food. The conversations, environment, aroma, etc. Are we consuming healthy food that help us grow?

Home is the place where loneliness disappears.

Sit down and do nothing. ~Nelson Mandela

Double tongue- changing content for own advantage.

Speak in terms that people can understand.
Speak accdg to the understanding of the person listening.

Communicate lovingly w yourself.
Be there for yourself.

With mindfulness, compassion arises.

You are your thoughts, speech and action.

[Sarai · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was very insightful. It’s written using simple language, with examples thrown in, so that the reader absorbs it quickly. At first I thought the advice and methods were too simple, but when I thought of actually putting it into practice I realized how difficult it would be to follow the steps. It only sounds simple—practicing the methods in real life is difficult, and would take time and patience. I learned a lot from Hanh about healing through communication, loving speech and the idea of leasing someone’s inner suffering. While I think some of the advice leans a little too much on Buddhist practices (meditative breathing, mindful walking, etc) I think most people can take a lot from this book.

[Aby · Rating 2 out of 5]

الكتاب جيد، ممل إلى حد ما مما سبب لي السرحان كثيراً... الكلام مكرر في معظم النقاط، و قد يكرره أكثر من مرتين... النصائح جيدة و لكن أغلبها ليست جديدة... معظم وجهات نظر الكتاب من المنظور البوذي لا أكثر.

بشكل عام الكتاب كما قلت جيد، و ربما إن كان القارئ لا يمانع التكرار فلن يشعر بالملل، و القارئ المبتدئ في هذا النوع ربما يستفيد منه أكثر "لا أنكر وجود الإفادة مطلقاً"، و لكن يجب عليك الفصل بين وجهات نظر الكاتب الشخصية و قناعاته، ووجهات نظرك و قناعاتك الخاصة.

It's good, yet boring, I've lost focus several times. Most points - if not all- are mentioned repeatedly... Advices are good but most of them are not creative or new, and they mostly come out of a Buddhist point of view.

If you want to read it, then go ahead!

[Annie · Rating 4 out of 5]

A man is pointing above him and says that is up. On the opposite side of the world, a man is pointing in the other direction and says that is up. They are pointing in different directions when pointing up but are both speaking the relative truth. This book on communication is basic but deep. It leads you to ponder whether you are communicating the appropriate information for the given situation or person.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a short, simple, spiritually-sound book based on mindfulness, breath, intention, communication, and compassion. I've read several books on Buddhist philosophy (though these concepts apply to all faiths because they are based on love,) and I always find myself referring to their wisdom.

Thich Nhat Hanh thinks directly. He repeats ideas, sometimes, which I find helpful because he reinforces his teachings. He will say, for example, "go to your in-and-out breath, then say..." many times to emphasize how breathing/being mindful is important before any speaking.

I will benefit most from the sections on listening compassionately to myself and others. I love how he urges readers to listen without interruption to others suffering, no matter their energy or validity, because there is plenty of time for the listener to (mindfully) express his/her feelings later. What a refreshing thing - to only listen and understand - not worrying about a response.

I also appreciate the section on "mantras" - how to tell others important, caring messages. One is, "this is a happy moment." Another is, "I am suffering. Please help." This book, combined with Non-Violent Communication and The Four Agreements, has really engaged my mind and heart. I hope to be a better version of myself. :)

[Tanvika · Rating 4 out of 5]

Technology has given us various ways to be connected 24/7. Still it has been unable to eradicate the sense of loneliness and despair. We talk too much, listen very little. There is little understanding and compassion in our speech. This manifests itself in family conflicts and even wars.
For better communication thich offers effective solutions. He suggests deep listening where we listen so that others suffer less. We just listen to understand without interfering, advising, judging. Only when we truly understand, do we love.He says we need to have a loving speech. It basically consist of being present, being happy in the moment, acknowledging our suffering. To strengthen these practices we can deeply breath, walk mindfully, sit relaxed , listening to the bell, writing love letter to someone you have caused pain, drinking tea joyfully etc.
Putting these suggestions in practice, I see that it can actually make you more sensitive and caring about the small moments. It can heal your mind and body. It sounds simple, but requires regular practice.

[Sabrinac · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am the byproduct of a violent upbringing. I really struggle to use language that is kind and inviting. I want to go to war with everyone because for me, life has been a series of battles. This is unfortunate because most of the time people are not trying to go to war with me. I end up hurting people and in turn finding people to hurt me so this can go on forever. And I’m done with it. It’s really powerful to just learn to exist in your feelings. The Art of Communicating is perfect for someone like me who’s in a transition period where very basic things like saying, “I am here for you,” are as powerful in print as they are in practice. I don’t expect this book to change me or anyone over night. But what is change without the decision to do things differently—while also knowing what to do to make this happen.

[Y · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good, quick read. Lots of practical advice, explicitly focused on communicating at work and at home, with a Buddhist flavor. Goes into why people have problems communicating in the first place, why individuals have difficulty communicating with themselves, and the larger impact on society communication has. A lot of it is focused on being vulnerable with others and practicing mindfulness.

[Ying Ying · Rating 5 out of 5]

As with Thich Nhat Hanh's other books, reading "The Art of Communicating" feels like meditating. This book is a guide to deep listening and loving speech.

[امیرمحمد حیدری · Rating 1 out of 5]

به‌کار هیچ‌کس نمی‌آید. چرت و پرت‌های بدیهی‌ست.

[Maria Hogan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Any of his books while your reading them encourage mindfulness but also how to be more mindful of your own actions and what you have control over. I like how in the end of this book, he also lists activities that you can do to encourage communication during a period where you or someone else may have been hurt, but emphasizes the importance of keeping both channels open. A good book to self reflect on your own communication styles and how to be more mindful in the moment.

This book is a great resource to go back to, and can definitely be read more than once. A great reminder for daily life.

[Philip DeTrana · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall a good book on being aware of yourself and how your communication can effect others. I think everyone can gain a little insight from it and make the world a little better place (even if the ideas in the book are quite redundant).

That being said, I listened to the audiobook and I swear if I hear the word “suffering” again I’m going to go crazy… I was inundated in the first 2/3 of the book.

[Phat Duong · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thầy Thích Nhất Hạnh viết rất nhiều sách, trong đó có nhiều quyển quý, nhưng mãi đến gần đây, mình mới đọc sách của thầy. Quyển Đường Xưa Mây Trắng của thầy gợi cảm hứng cho mình đọc tiếp những quyển khác. **The Art of Communicating** là quyển tiếp theo, sách này nói về nghệ thuật giao tiếp trong tỉnh thức, trong chánh niệm. Mình chưa đọc xong, vì tốc độ đọc sách tiếng Anh của mình sẽ chậm hơn sách tiếng Việt dù ngôn ngữ mà thầy Thích Nhất Hạnh sử dụng khá giản dị và đời thường. Tuy nhiên, mình rất muốn viết đôi dòng cảm nhận về sách vì khá tâm đắc, và sợ rằng, cảm hứng viết sẽ trôi đi mất.

Nếu chỉ có một điều mình có thể takeaway sau khi đọc xong thì đó là điều này: Lắng nghe sâu sắc với lòng từ bi (Compassion) và giao tiếp với ngôn ngữ của yêu thương (Loving Speench). Đó cũng là bí quyết giao tiếp hiệu quả, theo Thầy Thích Nhất Hạnh (thật khác biệt với những quyển sách dạy giao tiếp khác của các tác giả phương tây, vốn chú trọng vào kĩ thuật và hình thức). Mục đích giao tiếp, theo đạo của Bụt, và thầy Thích Nhất Hạnh, chỉ có một, đó là hiểu đối phương hơn và giúp cho cuộc sống của đối phương dễ chịu hơn. (Trước đây, mình đã không ý thức được điều này, sự hời hợt và vô tâm của mình, vô tình làm tổn thương người mình yêu thương). Một ý quan trọng nữa, đó là giao tiếp với chính mình, bản thân mình phải ổn trước đã, thì mới có thể giúp được (giao tiếp hiệu quả được) với người khác.