Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away: Real Help for Desperate Hearts in Difficult Marriages

by Gary Chapman

What to do when you feel like giving up

When you said, "I do," you entered marriage with high hopes, dreaming it would be supremely happy.

You never intended it to be miserable.

Millions of couples are struggling in desperate marriages. But the story doesn't have to end there. Dr. Gary Chapman writes, "I believe that in every troubled marriage, one or both partners can take positive steps that have the potential for changing the emotional climate in their marriage."

Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away, the revised and updated edition of the award-winning Desparate Marriages, teaches you how


Recognize and reject the myths that hold you captive
Better understand your spouse's behavior
Take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, and actions
Make choices that can have a lasting, positive impact on you and your spouse
An experienced marriage and family counselor, Gary Chapman speaks to those whose spouse is any of the


Irresponsible
A workaholic
Controlling
Uncommunicative
Verbally abusive
Physically abusive
Sexually abusive
Unfaithful
Addicted to alcohol or drugs
Depressed

Genres: Marriage, Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Audiobook, Christian, Psychology

268 pages, Kindle Edition

Published March 6, 2018

About the author

Gary Demonte Chapman is an American author and radio talk show host. Chapman is most noted for his The Five Love Languages series regarding human relationships.

Reviews

[Jaclyn Groh · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is a classically toxic, whitewashed pseudo Christian take on marital discord. To even have a chapter on physical and sexual abuse and to act like “yes even in these contexts the marriage can be saved” is such an unethical mistake. I’m disappointed as a fellow clinician and distraught thinking of the countless women that have read this being left to feel like they have to continue to smile and nod through the terror of their marriage “because it’s the right thing to do”. Full stop.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

When my husband and I endured a brief separation, one of Dr. Gary Chapman‘s books was a lifeline of hope for me. I was thrilled to review this revision of a book he wrote over 10 years ago.

This powerful book offers hope for couples dealing with larger-than-normal marriage problems. If I had had it when I was struggling the most in my marriage, it would have given me the hope and help I was desperately seeking from others who could not understand.

Here are the main marriage issues covered in this book:

Irresponsibility
Workaholism
Depression
Controlling Tendencies
Verbal Abuse
Physical Abuse
Sexual Abuse
Lack of Communication
Infidelity
Addiction

In my own difficult marriage I have dealt with several of these heavy-hitting issues. Speaking from experience, I can say that Dr. Chapman’s advice is solid and strong. His tone is firm yet compassionate, which is what you need to hear when your marriage problems are tough.

I appreciate the fact that he says I can change myself but not my husband, and that one-sided change can work change in the marriage. Not every example he gives in the book ends happily. Some of the couples he counseled ended up divorcing. But others persisted in difficult marriages and thrived despite the challenges. I am proud to belong to that group of champions.

Here is a sampling of inspiring quotes from this book:

"In the darkest night of a miserable marriage, there is always a flickering light."
"Your inability to change your spouse must be laid alongside your very real ability to influence a spouse for better or for worse."
"You can learn to acknowledge your negative emotions but not to follow them."
"Choose the higher road by asking such questions as: What is best…right…good…loving? You can allow your actions to be controlled by these noble thoughts."
"You know well that time alone does not heal the troublesome behaviors we have described in this book. Perhaps this knowledge will encourage you to take a new approach."

If you know someone struggling with major marriage issues, do them a favor and recommend this life-giving book to them. You just might offer the hope they are desperately seeking.

I am grateful to Moody Publishers for a free review copy of this excellent book.

[Abby · Rating 1 out of 5]

There were some normal/common sense things that could be used to resolve conflict.

But I legitimately almost threw up when they guy had a chapter about making your marriage work with a spouse who has sexually abused your children.

This is so unhealthy and reckless. And to keep talking about relying on God throughout makes it feel like the author is speaking from a position of religious authority when saying how even when your spouse is physically/sexually abusive you can save your marriage if you both work at it. As if to shame women into trying to make these situations “work”.

[Oscar · Rating 1 out of 5]

It has a few good pointers BUT has a couple of major flaws. For example, author falsely claims that faith programs such as AA have great success rates. This is false. Empirical evidence shows they actually have a very low successful rate.
Also, author frequently pats his back about how amazing he is and how he has helped people. The constant reference to the bible and religion are a huge turn off. Had high expectations, was let down.

[Erin Henry · Rating 3 out of 5]

He addresses very hard topics. There are chapters on spouses who are irresponsible, a workaholic, depressed, controlling, verbally abusive, physically abusive, sexually abused/abusive, uncommunicative, unfaithful, and alcoholic/drug-abusing. He emphasizes the other spouse's (not the ones listed before) ability and need to be "positive agent of change" in the marriage. Usually, it involves tough love and insisting on counseling. Each chapter includes a story from Chapman's practice in which the spouse enact positive change. In all but two of the stories the partners are reconciled and the marriage is successful and happy. I think that was my big problem. He gives no big picture or statistics on how often these types of marriages can be improved. Just one story of improvement and then the reader is expected to do the same. Also, the chapters end with a list of resources to contact or use but the one for the depressed spouse was really slim, including just NAMI.org and postpartum.net.

[Jo Wallace · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF.
I understand the intent of this book. Find ways to work on your relationship when you feel like you have already given it your all.
Unfortunately, I didn’t realize this was going to be a religious book. Hard to continue on when I am getting religious scripture and advice.
Reading reviews now too, I’m glad I stopped. Sounds like more toxic religious regurgitation. Stay with your spouse who sexually abused your kids? That’s a big no.

[Shamyra Leonard · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is problematic for a multitude of reasons, but encouraging someone to stay with their abusive spouse is not ever okay. Couldn’t ever finish the book because of how disturbed I was.

[Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am not married, but I do have a family and many of the techniques here will work (at least partly) in other situations. I appreciated that Chapman emphasizes over and over that having made mistakes in your relationships does not mean you are a failure it is something I think many struggle with. I was slightly disappointed that in the abuse chapters he did not discuss the possibility of an extremely violent response (such as coming after the spouse with a gun) nor did he mention that most abusers are also controlling so you would need techniques from that chapter as well.

[Ashley Kessler · Rating 2 out of 5]

I don’t normally do reviews but I would skip this book. My husband and I are actually doing well, but I was hoping for some marriage tips. There was none of that. And there were two very concerning parts. 1. DV- women should leave. Jesus would not push reconciliation with someone that can’t control their body. 2. The part about sexual abusing a child. If a person is SAing a child …. Spouse or not…. You call the police. Very disappointed

[Emily Walters · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book highly interesting at some parts and a super drag at others.
There were several issues that to me seemed like big complex problems that the author did an amazing job of simplifying to one root problem that didn’t feel so overwhelming. It also showed me several areas about myself that I would not have considered difficult for my spouse to handle, but when he explained how they may affect your spouse, I was surprised to see that I could understand why I would be frustrating.

However, several of his examples seem to drag on and on past the point of helping, you understand something and just going into rambling about details.

All in all, I’m glad I read it!

[Mark Manderson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Anything Chapman writes is worth reading!
Take aways:
Sadness is infectious so must stay upbeat. 

People see divorce as the silver bullet but keeps the same issue! 

Negativity is a feedback loop. The more you focus on the problems in your marriage, the more critical you become of your partner. Positivity works the same way. Concentrating on what’s good in your relationship will make you more loving.

Be constructive rather than critical if your spouse doesn’t meet your expectations.

Sometimes you need to give your partner a shock to communicate that there’s a problem.

[Jennifer Kiger · Rating 3 out of 5]

It’s a good book, it does have many helpful things and teaches that you are in charge of your emotions and attitude. Not other people. The only part I didn’t agree on was the abuse part. He says people can change and it’s a myth that people can not change. I don’t believe in risking that when it comes with domestic abuse especially when children are present. But that’s my opinion and why o only gave the book 3 stars. He does have very good advice in this book to help troubled marriages tho.

[Kerrific Kerr · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another amazing read by one of my very favorite authors! There is never a bad time in your marriage (or other relationship) to get some good advice from Gary Chapman. He often writes about the hard times but the advice he gives is for all of us. If you want to improve your relationships then this is a great choice!

[Cherice Walden · Rating 1 out of 5]

If you’re not Christian and both heterosexual this book isn’t for you. I wish the cover text would at least allude to how much of both is necessary for this to be helpful. I wasted my time with it during a time of need for our family.

[Ingrid · Rating 3 out of 5]

Primer libro del 2023.

Últimamente he estado escuchando algunos audiolibros para el crecimiento personal y la verdad es que no me arrepiento.

El libro, como algunos otros del autor, te relata diferentes experiencias de pacientes del consejero matrimonial (Gary mismo) de cómo situaciones los han llevado/empujado al divorcio. Abarca temas como la comunicación, el lenguaje del amor, problemas financieros, infidelidades e incluso abuso.

Fue bastante interesante, sí hay algunas cosas que chocan en cómo pienso que debe ser una relación pero simplemente tomé lo que me sirve:)

[Rash J · Rating 3 out of 5]

Loved the 5 love languages by the Dr. Chapman, so thought of giving the next book by him a try on audible.
Author encourages individuals to focus on their own behavior, practice unconditional love as an action, and seek professional help if necessary, rather than immediately resorting to separation or divorce.

[Christina ☾ · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a really insightful book! The title is slightly dramatic because I feel like it would be extremely helpful for any kind of relationship, no matter what “stage” you are at. Offers great insight on a lot of different subjects and makes you do some critical thinking

[Lea · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a great book to read to strengthen your own marriage. It's also a great read to learn know how to help others (friends, grown children, etc) who are struggling in their marriages and relationships! I've read a few of Dr Gary Chapman's throughout my life, all of which have been great!

[Nicole · Rating 3 out of 5]

There was some solid advice in the book. However all of the success stories involved couple's counseling. There are tips though that anyone could use to improve their relationship.

[Jae Barrett · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some good tools and learnings in this book but it does focus very much on the nuclear family and religion.

[Courtney Perry · Rating 1 out of 5]

Some pretty alarming stuff in here about tolerating intimate partner violence in a marriage. Also, when discussing how to handle a spouses admission to MOLESTING YOUR CHILDREN, there's no mention of contacting law enforcement or protecting other potential victims from the perpetrator. Just make sure everyone gets counselling and spiritual support 🧐 I read this as a clinician hoping for insight into helping couples in very intense situations- big NOPE from me. The whole thing is a very shamey, "stay-together-at-all-costs" religious trope.

[Alexsis]

So insightful and helpful!

[Michael Huang]

If it’s not for Blinkist, I would have no idea the universe of self help book is this big.

[Jalynn Patterson · Rating 5 out of 5]

About the Book:

What to do when you feel like giving up

When you said, “I do,” you entered marriage with high hopes, dreaming it would be supremely happy.

You never intended it to be miserable.

Millions of couples are struggling in desperate marriages. But the story doesn’t have to end there. Dr. Gary Chapman writes, “I believe that in every troubled marriage, one or both partners can take positive steps that have the potential for changing the emotional climate in their marriage.”

Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away, the revised and updated edition of the award-winning Desparate Marriages, teaches you how to:


Recognize and reject the myths that hold you captive
Better understand your spouse’s behavior
Take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, and actions
Make choices that can have a lasting, positive impact on you and your spouse
An experienced marriage and family counselor, Gary Chapman speaks to those whose spouse is any of the following:


Irresponsible
A workaholic
Controlling
Uncommunicative
Verbally abusive
Physically abusive
Sexually abusive
Unfaithful
Addicted to alcohol or drugs
Depressed
Marriage has the same potential to be miserable as it does to be blissful. Read Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away to learn how you can turn things around.





My Review:

When you sign on the dotted line and get married, I don't think anyone intends on it going badly. But after you add the stresses of life, a mortgage, children and everything else that comes next--your spouse doesn't seem much like the best friend you married that day. And if you are like most married couples you push all the resentment and negativity deep down or aside and before long it is starting to come out at an alarming rate and things seem to fall apart.


But lucky for us, God says that doesn't mean its over--not just yet. Gary Chapman is a familiar name he has helped many marriages across the globe and he does it in a way to promote God and what God sees as a successful marriage. He takes different types of marriages whether it is from a workaholic situation or a controlling one--he does this with several different types to help us figure out how we can make it work instead of walking away.


This is a great book and has many helpful suggestions to use in our marriage right away. I have tested some myself and they do work. We have been married 24 years and over the years things can go from stale to completely unresolvable in no time. This book helps you counterattack the devils snares and can bring a very rocky marriage to strong ground once again.


**Disclosure** This book was sent to me free of charge for my honest review from the publisher. All opinions are my own.

[Lensey · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars
A good read for those who are living in a difficult marriage. The book is relatively short with shorter, easy-to-read chapters. I really like his themes of realities and myths in marriage. And his emphasis on what should be obvious (but isn't always)--you can't change your spouse, but you can influence him/her. This book is a very practical guide on ideas for influencing change in a difficult/desperate marriage.

[Melissa · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was not a fan. The principles outlined are great, but the application in the sections on abuse and infidelity in particular leave a lot to be desired. Abusers don't change--leave. Poly and open relationships and marriages are real and valid. Porn typically isn't infidelity. Also if you're not Christian or hetero, this book may be fairly offputting in it's many stereotypical examples.
Skip the to last section and save yourself time and annoyance by just reading the summarized principles.

[Dorothy Greco · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this is one of Chapman's best books. Super practical, honest, and focused on issues that can take down marriages. As with all (or most since I've not read them all) Chapman's book, he does not share any personal stories. They are all from his counseling work. If your marriage is in a difficult place and you are a person of faith, I would definitely suggest this book.

[Andrew Celli · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very informative book by a counselor that covers key topics like myths, realities, and real-life stories, offering practical advice for learning psychology or self-improvement. It emphasizes personal development, empathy, reconciliation, and understanding someone's needs. A valuable resource for improving how to relate to others. Great for all kinds of relationships.

[Candace Worrell · Rating 1 out of 5]

This advocates victim self-blame.

[Andreea Croitoriu · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really helpful