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How to Raise Kind Kids: And Get Respect, Gratitude, and a Happier Family in the Bargain
Can you teach a child to be kind? This vital question is taking on a new urgency as our culture grows ever more abrasive and divided. We all want our kids to be kind. But that is not the same as knowing what to do when you catch your son being unkind. A world-renowned developmental psychologist, Dr. Thomas Lickona has led the character education movement in schools for forty years. Now he shares with parents the vital tools they need to bring peace and foster cooperation at home. Kindness doesn’t stand on its own. It needs a supporting cast of other essential virtues—like courage, self-control, respect, and gratitude. With concrete examples drawn from the many families Dr. Lickona has worked with over the years and clear tips you can act on tonight, How to Raise Kind Kids will help you give and get respect, hold family meetings to tackle persistent problems, discipline in a way that builds character, and improve the dynamic of your relationship with your children while putting them on the path to a happier and more fulfilling life.
336 pages, Kindle Edition
Published April 10, 2018
127 people are currently reading
1291 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 43 reviews
April 10, 2018
If you ask me one thing I want my children to be when they grow up, it is to be kind. It’s something I work on diligently with them above all else, as I want to raise boys who are kind, respectful and loving. So far I think we’re doing a pretty good job, but when I saw this book I knew I had to read it to get more ideas!
This book gives very interesting anecdotes, studies and other information to discuss the issues of the decline in kindness in modern times, especially in American culture.
It’s not a major theme, but there are religious undertones so I thought I’d throw it out there in case it appeals to you or not.
Definitely recommend this one to parents!
Thank you to Penguin Books, Thomas Lickona and Netgalley for a copy of his book in exchange for an honest review.
This book gives very interesting anecdotes, studies and other information to discuss the issues of the decline in kindness in modern times, especially in American culture.
It’s not a major theme, but there are religious undertones so I thought I’d throw it out there in case it appeals to you or not.
Definitely recommend this one to parents!
Thank you to Penguin Books, Thomas Lickona and Netgalley for a copy of his book in exchange for an honest review.
February 5, 2019
I was honestly kind of torn on whether to rate this 3 or 4 stars because I enjoyed it all throughout (until the last chapter, but we'll get to that). It's timely enough to refer to the current political situation, but were I to recommend this book to someone, I would add a caveat that it feels a little 1950s-ish, so do with that what you will. I did take away some great ways of approaching conversations with kids and how to have family meetings. I just worry that a lot of that is aspirational in this day and age. I woudl work towards a family dynamic in which there was mutual trust, especially as my kids got older, but I am unsure how successful this will be. Time will tell when I have kids!
Finally, the last chapter on the hypersexualization of culture. OMG. What a fucking outdated way to approach sex. And porn. I disagree heartily when people just write porn off and blame it for their woes. Yeah, kids, young kids, definitely shouldn't be viewing porn, but I think the approach that it's the demon seed (no pun intended) is not helpful. Ideally, they might not encounter it until in their teens, but the reality is that kids look at porn through one mode or another. I think the best way to approach that is to talk to them openly and frankly about what they might encounter and to frame it correctly in saying that that doesn't represent what sex actually is (most of the time). That it's staged and for show. Ugh. It also killed me further to have Lickona go on to say that women should avoid parties and situations with drinking, etc. Nowhere in that chapter did he say that we should be raising men NOT TO RAPE WOMEN. Or that both men and women should have realistic expectations of sex. He's totally blaming porn rather than the people who choose to commit those acts (perhaps because they aren't taught that porn isn't real). So frustrating and sexist.
Finally, the last chapter on the hypersexualization of culture. OMG. What a fucking outdated way to approach sex. And porn. I disagree heartily when people just write porn off and blame it for their woes. Yeah, kids, young kids, definitely shouldn't be viewing porn, but I think the approach that it's the demon seed (no pun intended) is not helpful. Ideally, they might not encounter it until in their teens, but the reality is that kids look at porn through one mode or another. I think the best way to approach that is to talk to them openly and frankly about what they might encounter and to frame it correctly in saying that that doesn't represent what sex actually is (most of the time). That it's staged and for show. Ugh. It also killed me further to have Lickona go on to say that women should avoid parties and situations with drinking, etc. Nowhere in that chapter did he say that we should be raising men NOT TO RAPE WOMEN. Or that both men and women should have realistic expectations of sex. He's totally blaming porn rather than the people who choose to commit those acts (perhaps because they aren't taught that porn isn't real). So frustrating and sexist.
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January 8, 2019I found parts of this book helpful, but be warned, the author's dominant influence and community is clearly patriarchal and Christian. The advice was nevertheless useful, and the book's organization is such that you can easily find what you are looking for and glean the main point. As far as finding actionable advice, this book is much more user-friendly than most parenting tomes.
October 28, 2021
Lol I can’t. I think I am a person who prioritizes kindness and tries hard to be thoughtful and compassionate in my relationships with other people. But I think a lot of the better parts of my character have developed as a direct reputation of the conservative evangelical values of the culture I was raised in. I was on board with this book at first but started to get uneasy pretty early on... kept reading and got even more uneasy... then started having flashbacks to youth group and whatever those weekly small group sex-segregated Bible study meetings were called... then had to skim-finish the book because 🤢 this is not my version of kindness. No shade to the handful of compassionate, deeply thoughtful Christians I know—I’ve often thought that if/when I have kids I will probably want to explore being part of some kind of faith community again. But this was definitely the patriarchal “father knows best” flavor of Christianity, and I’m not going anywhere near that ever again!!!
April 8, 2020
I went in expecting a book focused on raising kind kids. I quickly realized that the book would cover parenting overall and kindness would weave in here and there.
It covers a very wide breadth of topics. From family values, meetings, respect, gratitude, fairness, disciplining and consequences to conversation starters, a test to see if your partner is the right fit for you (?) and the impact pornography can have on kids and sexual assault in college.
I feel like this could be a great read for someone wanting end to end insights into parenting. I myself wanted to zoom in on kindness and felt that that got lost a bit in the overwhelming amount of other information.
Some good notes on general parenting, some validation and some sections, especially in the second half that I skipped.
It covers a very wide breadth of topics. From family values, meetings, respect, gratitude, fairness, disciplining and consequences to conversation starters, a test to see if your partner is the right fit for you (?) and the impact pornography can have on kids and sexual assault in college.
I feel like this could be a great read for someone wanting end to end insights into parenting. I myself wanted to zoom in on kindness and felt that that got lost a bit in the overwhelming amount of other information.
Some good notes on general parenting, some validation and some sections, especially in the second half that I skipped.
June 21, 2018
I highly recommend this book. Although my parenting journey is relatively new, so many of the concerns about today’s culture that are addressed in this book are ones I have thought and worried about. The author gives many good ideas about how to raise children with strong characters. I will certainly be adding this book to my personal collection to reference for years to come.
July 10, 2022
Really enjoyed this book with some very important concepts and practical steps that can be applied right away with your children and your family at all ages. Some parts a little outdated but lots of good concepts and anecdotes. As is with most parenting books, take what works for and applies to your family.
April 15, 2021
I had high hopes for this book but I'm afraid I was disappointed. Beginning with what I did like, I agree with the idea that you should prepare children for what you expect ahead of time (ie, before going grocery shopping telling your child that you won't be purchasing candy or whatever but enlisting their help in picking out fruit, lunchbox options, etc). I also love the idea of a family meeting where everyone has a chance to speak and genuinely be heard. Aside from that, here are my main gripes.
1. I agree with other reviewers who said that, while the author occasionally made a token nod to other religions, it was clear that the Christian God was the preferred choice and the book really hit you over the head with Christian themes, recommendations, etc. Absolutely nothing wrong with being a Christian but as someone in a secular, mixed-faith family, I wish that were made clear before I started the book.
2. Nowhere was the Christian theme more dominant than in the purity culture aspects of the book. I also noticed that LGTBQ children were very absent in how sex was presented.
3. The author says you should ask for cheerful compliance from children at all times. Personally, I don't mind a limit-testing "no" here and there. Kids aren't robots and I don't want them to act like it. He also advocates for time-outs. I do not put children in time-out, as I find it to be a very lazy discipline strategy in that it removes the child entirely rather than addressing the behavior directly. You can not effectively communicate with a child or assist a child if you've sent them away from you. Also, if the child is in a disagreeable mood, there is a strong likelihood that they will refuse to go to time-out and what then? You're going to wrestle them into a time-out chair? That's not productive.
4. Speaking of unproductive uses of time, the book advocates for surveillance of your child's social media. If you trust your child, there is no need for this, in my opinion.
5. Lastly, people experiencing poverty, illness, etc are not here for your more privileged children to learn character lessons. I think the author thinks he is celebrating people who have overcome adversity but I find his tone to be extremely patronizing towards these individuals. On page 86, Lickona actually used the r-word!
1. I agree with other reviewers who said that, while the author occasionally made a token nod to other religions, it was clear that the Christian God was the preferred choice and the book really hit you over the head with Christian themes, recommendations, etc. Absolutely nothing wrong with being a Christian but as someone in a secular, mixed-faith family, I wish that were made clear before I started the book.
2. Nowhere was the Christian theme more dominant than in the purity culture aspects of the book. I also noticed that LGTBQ children were very absent in how sex was presented.
3. The author says you should ask for cheerful compliance from children at all times. Personally, I don't mind a limit-testing "no" here and there. Kids aren't robots and I don't want them to act like it. He also advocates for time-outs. I do not put children in time-out, as I find it to be a very lazy discipline strategy in that it removes the child entirely rather than addressing the behavior directly. You can not effectively communicate with a child or assist a child if you've sent them away from you. Also, if the child is in a disagreeable mood, there is a strong likelihood that they will refuse to go to time-out and what then? You're going to wrestle them into a time-out chair? That's not productive.
4. Speaking of unproductive uses of time, the book advocates for surveillance of your child's social media. If you trust your child, there is no need for this, in my opinion.
5. Lastly, people experiencing poverty, illness, etc are not here for your more privileged children to learn character lessons. I think the author thinks he is celebrating people who have overcome adversity but I find his tone to be extremely patronizing towards these individuals. On page 86, Lickona actually used the r-word!
September 18, 2019
Qual acham ser o maior desafio dos pais nos dias de hoje? Será garantir o melhor percurso académico dos seus filhos? A qualquer preço? Será garantir que têm todos os brinquedos do mundo, que vão a todas as festas e que estão inscritos em mil e uma actividades extracurriculares?
Acho que o desafio dos dias de hoje é muito acima destas questões. Trata-se de capacitar as nossas crianças com as competências comportamentais e o desenvolvimento da sua inteligência emocional que lhes permita as melhores relações com os outros. E é disso que este "Como criar crianças gentis", de Thomas Lickona e edição portuguesa da Editora Arena nos fala.
Foi mais um livro que li na área da parentalidade e de que gostei. A classificação de 4⭐ reflecte as mais valias que este livro pode ter para os pais nos dias de hoje. Ainda que se trate de um livro com muitos exemplos da cultura americana, a possibilidade de ler apenas o capítulo que mais nos interessa é um aspecto que gostei muito que o autor sugerisse. Desta forma, acaba quase por ser um livro para gestão da crise enquanto pais😊
Um livro que recomendo a todos!
Acho que o desafio dos dias de hoje é muito acima destas questões. Trata-se de capacitar as nossas crianças com as competências comportamentais e o desenvolvimento da sua inteligência emocional que lhes permita as melhores relações com os outros. E é disso que este "Como criar crianças gentis", de Thomas Lickona e edição portuguesa da Editora Arena nos fala.
Foi mais um livro que li na área da parentalidade e de que gostei. A classificação de 4⭐ reflecte as mais valias que este livro pode ter para os pais nos dias de hoje. Ainda que se trate de um livro com muitos exemplos da cultura americana, a possibilidade de ler apenas o capítulo que mais nos interessa é um aspecto que gostei muito que o autor sugerisse. Desta forma, acaba quase por ser um livro para gestão da crise enquanto pais😊
Um livro que recomendo a todos!
February 4, 2019
One of the best parenting books I've read, covering a multitude of topics with kindness, character and virtue at their core. Giving helpful, practical advice that I'm excited to attempt in our family. Filled with up to date resources, and plenty of guides--all of them fresh and creative ideas, none of the tired, been there done that, didn't work lists that are often touted to parents. I read a library book, but I will be buying this one for my personal shelves to reference in the future.
March 3, 2020
A great book to inspire parents to raise their children to be loving and kind in their home & beyond. The author gives understandable examples as to what motivates children and ways to discipline in a positive loving manner. I plan to give this book as a gift to family members and friends with children.
December 6, 2018
If you only read one parenting book, make this one it.
June 15, 2020
Thoughtful, helpful, and realistic. Seems to be written from a Christian worldview, though not explicitly. The author cites ancient Greeks, speaks throughout about Virtue, and encourages the use of story and quality literature to teach virtues -- he is speaking my language. I appreciated, too, that he gives parents lots of grace and encouragement. Though this is organized with numbered lists and bullet points, it isn't a "follow my rules to have a perfect family" but "here is a well ordered collection of wise suggestions."
Picked this up from the library because I enjoyed an interview with the author on Meg Meeker's podcast. I appreciate her work, but I preferred Lickona's tone and style.
(Full disclosure, I didn't read cover to cover and skimmed a few of the chapters. I've spent enough time reading similar works that some of what he said was echoing what I have heard many times elsewhere.)
Picked this up from the library because I enjoyed an interview with the author on Meg Meeker's podcast. I appreciate her work, but I preferred Lickona's tone and style.
(Full disclosure, I didn't read cover to cover and skimmed a few of the chapters. I've spent enough time reading similar works that some of what he said was echoing what I have heard many times elsewhere.)
January 23, 2019
I appreciated the dose of sincerity, and there are definitely some ideas here I'd like to try to implement about building a family culture and being more explicit about our values.
To me, the lack of interest in diversity was a major flaw. Not only did learning to treat with kindness people who are very different from oneself get short shrift, but the recommended reading in the back was pretty white and old-fashioned. I'm sorry, recommending the Little House series with no qualification is just not okay anymore between "the only good Indian is a dead Indian" and Pa performing in blackface. It's clear that that kind of concern, which is paramount for me, wasn't really on the author's radar screen.
The author also had an agenda on sexual morality, but one could just skip that chapter or take it with a grain of salt. I don't consider "sex positive" to be bad.
To me, the lack of interest in diversity was a major flaw. Not only did learning to treat with kindness people who are very different from oneself get short shrift, but the recommended reading in the back was pretty white and old-fashioned. I'm sorry, recommending the Little House series with no qualification is just not okay anymore between "the only good Indian is a dead Indian" and Pa performing in blackface. It's clear that that kind of concern, which is paramount for me, wasn't really on the author's radar screen.
The author also had an agenda on sexual morality, but one could just skip that chapter or take it with a grain of salt. I don't consider "sex positive" to be bad.
December 5, 2023
Parenting is stressful fullstop. it takes a lot out of you and takes a lot of self awareness to stay on the right path. This book helped as did these two for the childrens perspective Kicking Goals Journal and Big Life Journal for Kids: 365 Page Per Day Of The Year. A Journal to Teach Children to Practice Gratitude and Mindfulness. Notebook Gift
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May 22, 2020Childern should be teached how to respect others. They do not know the meaning of human dignity . They used to run and lost their way in a huge circle of losing good behaviour. Shall we hold and put their master in the position of guilty, may be he will then know the feeling of human being, or shall we accuse him with all the troubles he have made to the innocent and patient people. Can he look straight in their eyes to tell them it was only a joke, a nothing, a duty. Good schools teach good subjects, streets teach boys how to be a kid streets.
October 15, 2025
Though I thought this was a great book, with lots of practical applications and confirmation that my desires for raising kind kids are not unrealistic, I had to lower my rating to 4 stars because I felt the last chapter on dealing with social media and internet use was a little too graphic than I thought was necessary. Truthfully I skipped over most of it and certainly couldn’t have listened to it with my kids nearby if I didn’t have earphones in! (Yes, I recognize it’s an essential topic to deal with and address, but it was more descriptive than I was comfortable with)
November 5, 2020
Ok so I basically skimmed this book. I found the Children’s Success Foundation NHA approach much more helpful that this book which was too wordy and tackled too many topics. Recommendations are overall good, but it lacks on execution and logistics.
Pros:
Some decent charts, studies, tips
Encompasses faith-based strategies for those interested
Cons:
Bit of a “capt obvious” feel
Moral superiority/judgy vibe
Doesn’t give actual program for correcting behaviors in kids who have intensity
Pros:
Some decent charts, studies, tips
Encompasses faith-based strategies for those interested
Cons:
Bit of a “capt obvious” feel
Moral superiority/judgy vibe
Doesn’t give actual program for correcting behaviors in kids who have intensity
July 18, 2022
This book was given to me by a good friend who was also a fellow mom. I decided to read this because I was having problems teaching kindness to my 7 year old. As much as I don't like self help books, I think the author did a great job of giving sound pieces of advice without being so preachy about them, and which were also well referenced. I just hope I can apply them 🤞 it's a really great and easy read with lots of relatable stories, i would recommend it to any parent.
August 24, 2025
I began reading this book hopeful and optimistic it would turn around. Once I realized it wasn’t going to turn around, I got through that baby as fast as I could just so I didn’t have to read it anymore.
Surprisingly it starts out with lots of shoutouts to God and has controversial opinions that seem rather conservative, like on discipline, pornography, women’s roles… Although, undeniably, there are *some* great lessons on how to raise kind kids.
Surprisingly it starts out with lots of shoutouts to God and has controversial opinions that seem rather conservative, like on discipline, pornography, women’s roles… Although, undeniably, there are *some* great lessons on how to raise kind kids.
September 6, 2018
I received an ARC from NetGalley, though I was slow to read it and it is already published and popular at my library. It's an accessible book about an incredibly important topic.
I'd recommend it even though I didn't finish reading it. I think I'm just burned out on parenting books after reading so many.
I'd recommend it even though I didn't finish reading it. I think I'm just burned out on parenting books after reading so many.
November 11, 2020
A bit judgy and religious but very useful
I found this book useful for thinking ahead about my almost five year old. There are a few quick fix solutions that use religion, so it’s more difficult to envision some solutions that do not rely on that ready-made solution. Otherwise I highlighted a lot of advice and resources to circle back to!
I found this book useful for thinking ahead about my almost five year old. There are a few quick fix solutions that use religion, so it’s more difficult to envision some solutions that do not rely on that ready-made solution. Otherwise I highlighted a lot of advice and resources to circle back to!
July 21, 2018
A great parenting book involving lots of practical conversational ideas to build character in a way that kids can take ownership over their actions. Some topics covered include screen time, family meetings, habits, sexuality, complaining and more. Want to revisit this again.
October 6, 2018
You can pick and choose sections of the book to read. I found most of it had good ideas. Like the idea of a family mission statement and family meetings. Good reminder of what we all can do to be more kind and live a happier life.
October 29, 2020
I mostly really enjoyed this book, and have several things I am working to implement with my children and my own family.
The negatives on this are the lack of diversity - especially some of the recommended reading at the end - and the overtly patriarchal viewpoint.
The negatives on this are the lack of diversity - especially some of the recommended reading at the end - and the overtly patriarchal viewpoint.
January 22, 2022
Like any parenting book, take from it what works for you and your family. I did find some helpful thoughts that I will tuck into my parenting tool box. Felt a little preachy and somehow outdated at times even though it was published in 2018.
April 13, 2022
Although I got a few things out of here, I didn’t feel it was really giving much about how to raise kids to be kind.it was more of a parenting book and info about kids and parenting in general really. Helpful but not what most people are probably looking for when they see the title.
May 25, 2023
The chapter on character is clearly his best subject. If you’re set on reading the other topics, just the summary will give you the gist and avoid the religious parts. If you want tips on how to raise kind kids, actually just go read Hunt, Gather, Parent.
March 11, 2025
Should be titled how to raise kind Christian kids written by a man. Not horrible, but if I knew how often Christianity would be brought up in the book I would have chosen another. Some of the suggested language struck me as a bit off as well like how to teach your children to obey.
February 26, 2018
I am looking forward to reading this book! Will update as soon as I am finished.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 43 reviews