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Finding Forgiveness
Adrian Smith was raised in what seemed to be a very traditional, Roman Catholic upbringing. His father, Adrian Smith Sr, was very religious. He had studied to be a priest and left the seminary only 6 months before his ordination. After he left the seminary, Adrian Sr then worked for 30 years as a child psychologist for PEI's Department of Education. He died at the age of 58 from a brain tumor. A week later after his death, Adrian Jr discovered that his father had been living a lie and that he was homosexual; he had kept it hidden his whole life.
Adrian kept his father's sexuality a secret until his mother died. At that time, he decided to make a conscious effort to face his and his father's story. He ended up having travel away from PEI to get counselling to help him get over the lies of his past. He was finally making progress when allegations of sexual abuse against my father surfaced.
The book details a son's experience with coming to terms with the secrecy and betrayal. But it is also a story of redemption as after years of hard work Smith could finally find forgiveness.
Adrian kept his father's sexuality a secret until his mother died. At that time, he decided to make a conscious effort to face his and his father's story. He ended up having travel away from PEI to get counselling to help him get over the lies of his past. He was finally making progress when allegations of sexual abuse against my father surfaced.
The book details a son's experience with coming to terms with the secrecy and betrayal. But it is also a story of redemption as after years of hard work Smith could finally find forgiveness.
217 pages, Paperback
Published May 25, 2017
5 people want to read
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April 4, 2020
Adrian Smith, born in 1961 on Prince Edward Island, grew up in an isolated rural home where the influence of the Roman Catholic Church pervaded every facet of life, reaching far beyond the confines of the church to politics, education and relationships. He had what he considers a normal childhood growing up with his parents and older brother Hayden. His father, the man he was named after, was a quiet, well-educated man who worked for the school board as a counsellor. He was not what Adrian thought of as a typical father of the time. He didn’t play sports or participate in organizations or group activities. He was more private, loved reading, walking and art, a scholar who sought solitude and peace. His life in the community was limited to work and church. His father worked hard, often closeted in his office at home for hours at a time. Work became such a big part of his life that it often extended into evenings and weekends. He left home early and arrived home late. Adrian, his mother and brother often visited her relatives to give their father the solitude he needed.
As a well-educated and professional man Adrian Sr. had earned the respect of the community. He had studied as a priest, had several years of university education and did not drink. He had clients and colleagues but no friends. Adrian had a close relationship with his father, was proud of him and wanted to be like him. He always felt loved, but he also felt there was something missing in his home life, although he could never put his fingers on exactly what it was.
After his father’s death in 1988, Adrian, in the process of cleaning out his offices and going through his papers, discovered his father was a homosexual. Although shocked, his immediate instinct was to keep the secret his father had spent his entire life hiding. He did not even tell his brother or his mother, believing they would be devastated. His mother had already experienced a hard life and he convinced himself he was protecting her from despair and shame. But his worse fear was that the information would get out to the community, ruining his father’s reputation and all the good work he had done during his lifetime. He never realized how much keeping this secret and taking on his father’s shame would affect the rest of his life. It changed the way he would think about intimacy, family values, his self-worth and every perceived idea he had about fatherhood, truth and religion. His world would never be the same.
Adrian had always spent a lot of time with his father and believed they had a close relationship, but he now felt betrayed, angry that his father had kept this from him. Suddenly he felt he did not know the man he thought he had known so well. A further shock came later, when Adrian learned that his father was not only homosexual, but had also been a pedophile and had preyed on young boys.
What follows is Adrian’s account of his torment and his journey to heal, a journey which took several years. It is poignant and painful, seared with raw emotion, but also shows how after entering counselling, he was able to move forward to a happy and fulfilling life. The journey was never a straight line linear process. It took many starts at different point in his life as he spent hours in counselling, self-reflection and reading, gradually moving from anger and a sense of betrayal to acceptance and a true state of forgiveness. To complete that journey he had first to appreciate the time and place in which his father grew up.
Adrian Sr. was born into a very poor, religious family in rural Prince Edward Edward Island at the beginning of the Great Depression. He grew up during a World War and was raised by a depressive mother and an alcoholic father in a time when homosexuality was not accepted legally or socially. He had limited options in choosing the path he would lead in life but ultimately decided on a sexually acceptable marriage and a family. He chose a life dedicated to good works, religious study and working with troubled youth in the school system. It was also a life that consisted of cover-ups lies, mistruths and denial.
Writing this book, revealing family secrets he had spent a lifetime trying to deny or conceal, was part of Adrian’s healing process. He knew revealing his father’s true story would upset a number of people, many of them important to him. He had two goals in completing the work. First, it was the key to getting to his personal experience but secondly he wanted to help others by sharing his experience. He is open and honest about his own failings and his attempts to address them and the author must be commended for being so upfront and placing his life as an open book before his readers.
Adrian now has a realistic understanding of his father who did a lot of good work, more than most people do in a lifetime. But he also did more bad things than most people. He learned he had to let go of the idealistic image he had of his father and that if he didn’t, he would remain in an angry depressive state for the rest of his life. In forgiving his father he did not excuse his behavior. He still believes his father was responsible for what he did and that none of his demons justified sexual abuse.
Part of Adrian’s struggle in forgiving his father was accepting that he would never have to face his victims or receive some form of justice. But forgiving his father, truly forgiving him, has removed an internal weight that was affecting his body, mind and soul. In completing his journey, he came to understand how his fear that others would find out about his father’s secret, had become so powerful that it had taken on a life of its own. He had given that fear the power to trouble his life and he could not let his father’s mistakes control his life any longer. He finally accepted that he was not responsible for his father’s story.
Adrian’s journey has been long and difficult, but has brought him to a good place. He is finally living a happy authentic life. Certainly reading his story could be helpful to others struggling with their own personal issues as well as professionals in the counselling field.
As a well-educated and professional man Adrian Sr. had earned the respect of the community. He had studied as a priest, had several years of university education and did not drink. He had clients and colleagues but no friends. Adrian had a close relationship with his father, was proud of him and wanted to be like him. He always felt loved, but he also felt there was something missing in his home life, although he could never put his fingers on exactly what it was.
After his father’s death in 1988, Adrian, in the process of cleaning out his offices and going through his papers, discovered his father was a homosexual. Although shocked, his immediate instinct was to keep the secret his father had spent his entire life hiding. He did not even tell his brother or his mother, believing they would be devastated. His mother had already experienced a hard life and he convinced himself he was protecting her from despair and shame. But his worse fear was that the information would get out to the community, ruining his father’s reputation and all the good work he had done during his lifetime. He never realized how much keeping this secret and taking on his father’s shame would affect the rest of his life. It changed the way he would think about intimacy, family values, his self-worth and every perceived idea he had about fatherhood, truth and religion. His world would never be the same.
Adrian had always spent a lot of time with his father and believed they had a close relationship, but he now felt betrayed, angry that his father had kept this from him. Suddenly he felt he did not know the man he thought he had known so well. A further shock came later, when Adrian learned that his father was not only homosexual, but had also been a pedophile and had preyed on young boys.
What follows is Adrian’s account of his torment and his journey to heal, a journey which took several years. It is poignant and painful, seared with raw emotion, but also shows how after entering counselling, he was able to move forward to a happy and fulfilling life. The journey was never a straight line linear process. It took many starts at different point in his life as he spent hours in counselling, self-reflection and reading, gradually moving from anger and a sense of betrayal to acceptance and a true state of forgiveness. To complete that journey he had first to appreciate the time and place in which his father grew up.
Adrian Sr. was born into a very poor, religious family in rural Prince Edward Edward Island at the beginning of the Great Depression. He grew up during a World War and was raised by a depressive mother and an alcoholic father in a time when homosexuality was not accepted legally or socially. He had limited options in choosing the path he would lead in life but ultimately decided on a sexually acceptable marriage and a family. He chose a life dedicated to good works, religious study and working with troubled youth in the school system. It was also a life that consisted of cover-ups lies, mistruths and denial.
Writing this book, revealing family secrets he had spent a lifetime trying to deny or conceal, was part of Adrian’s healing process. He knew revealing his father’s true story would upset a number of people, many of them important to him. He had two goals in completing the work. First, it was the key to getting to his personal experience but secondly he wanted to help others by sharing his experience. He is open and honest about his own failings and his attempts to address them and the author must be commended for being so upfront and placing his life as an open book before his readers.
Adrian now has a realistic understanding of his father who did a lot of good work, more than most people do in a lifetime. But he also did more bad things than most people. He learned he had to let go of the idealistic image he had of his father and that if he didn’t, he would remain in an angry depressive state for the rest of his life. In forgiving his father he did not excuse his behavior. He still believes his father was responsible for what he did and that none of his demons justified sexual abuse.
Part of Adrian’s struggle in forgiving his father was accepting that he would never have to face his victims or receive some form of justice. But forgiving his father, truly forgiving him, has removed an internal weight that was affecting his body, mind and soul. In completing his journey, he came to understand how his fear that others would find out about his father’s secret, had become so powerful that it had taken on a life of its own. He had given that fear the power to trouble his life and he could not let his father’s mistakes control his life any longer. He finally accepted that he was not responsible for his father’s story.
Adrian’s journey has been long and difficult, but has brought him to a good place. He is finally living a happy authentic life. Certainly reading his story could be helpful to others struggling with their own personal issues as well as professionals in the counselling field.
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