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He's Always Been My Son: A Mother's Story about Raising Her Transgender Son
This inspiring and moving story, told from the heart of an extraordinary family, recounts the emotional and uplifting journey of raising a transgender son.
Janna Barkin's family has come a long way since their child, Amaya, first told them he was a boy and not a girl and this captivating memoir charts the family's experiences of raising Amaya, from birth through to adulthood. With powerful chapters written by Amaya's family and friends, Janna shares personal stories of the support and discoveries her family has encountered and provides a 'care package' of advice for families facing similar issues, including a glossary of terms and a list of hand-picked support sources.
Written with warmth and humor, He's Always Been My Son reminds us to accept others for who they are and will support, educate and inspire anyone who reads it.
Janna Barkin's family has come a long way since their child, Amaya, first told them he was a boy and not a girl and this captivating memoir charts the family's experiences of raising Amaya, from birth through to adulthood. With powerful chapters written by Amaya's family and friends, Janna shares personal stories of the support and discoveries her family has encountered and provides a 'care package' of advice for families facing similar issues, including a glossary of terms and a list of hand-picked support sources.
Written with warmth and humor, He's Always Been My Son reminds us to accept others for who they are and will support, educate and inspire anyone who reads it.
322 pages, Kindle Edition
Published August 21, 2017
33 people are currently reading
116 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews
May 31, 2017
After reading the blurb for this book, I was desperate to read it, as gender identity issues are largely uncommon in books presently, and this book did not disappoint.
I was very impressed with the glossary of terms at the start of the book; it can be difficult to know what all of the terms relating to gender identity and gender expression mean, as well as sexuality. For instance, 'cisgender', 'non-binary' and 'gender dysphoria' - this allows the reader a really good grounding for reading the rest of the book.
The format of this book makes for an informative and educational read, at the same time being interspersed throughout with stories and personal accounts from Barkin and members of her family, as well as close friends. This allows us to understand the phases and process of a transgender individual, whilst seeing those phases being related to the experiences of her female-to-male transgender son, Amaya. It really is great that Amaya allowed his mother to share his story, and I can imagine it'll be a great source of learning, and comfort, to other parents going through a similar situation with their child.
The chapters aren't always told by Janna, with a few chapters by her, others by her husband, as well as e-mail correspondence with professionals and family / friends. This allows us to see the perspective from various different individuals who are emotionally invested in Amaya.
I have no complaints about how this book was written, as the writing flowed easily and it was written really well throughout. The chapters were all reasonable in length. The only problem was the formatting, which I imagine was down to this being an ARC copy.
At the end of the book, there is a whole heap of resources which is incredibly helpful. I don't think Barkin could have done a better job of telling Amaya's story - hats off to her for doing such a great job, and to Amaya for allowing her to share the story.
(This is an ARC from NetGalley, provided in exchange for an honest review).
I was very impressed with the glossary of terms at the start of the book; it can be difficult to know what all of the terms relating to gender identity and gender expression mean, as well as sexuality. For instance, 'cisgender', 'non-binary' and 'gender dysphoria' - this allows the reader a really good grounding for reading the rest of the book.
The format of this book makes for an informative and educational read, at the same time being interspersed throughout with stories and personal accounts from Barkin and members of her family, as well as close friends. This allows us to understand the phases and process of a transgender individual, whilst seeing those phases being related to the experiences of her female-to-male transgender son, Amaya. It really is great that Amaya allowed his mother to share his story, and I can imagine it'll be a great source of learning, and comfort, to other parents going through a similar situation with their child.
The chapters aren't always told by Janna, with a few chapters by her, others by her husband, as well as e-mail correspondence with professionals and family / friends. This allows us to see the perspective from various different individuals who are emotionally invested in Amaya.
I have no complaints about how this book was written, as the writing flowed easily and it was written really well throughout. The chapters were all reasonable in length. The only problem was the formatting, which I imagine was down to this being an ARC copy.
At the end of the book, there is a whole heap of resources which is incredibly helpful. I don't think Barkin could have done a better job of telling Amaya's story - hats off to her for doing such a great job, and to Amaya for allowing her to share the story.
(This is an ARC from NetGalley, provided in exchange for an honest review).
May 30, 2017
The book opens with a note from Amaya detailing the feelings that were occurring, at what age and how he began to process those feelings of being in the ‘wrong body’. It was also nice to read that he had consented to this book and approved what his mother wrote so it makes it feel like you’re about to read something authentic. The introduction sets you up with a bit of background but also a solid foundation so you can understand how to approach this story which greatly helps if you have little to no familiarity with someone who is transgendered particularly a child.
People often skip introductions so they can dive right into the story but in this case especially it is of the upmost importance to read so you can get a fuller context on why discussing these issues is so incredibly needed. The suicide rates alone are horrific and tragic in that it could be so easily prevented if we put aside fear, anger and bigotry to realize this is the life of a human being we’re examining and therefore must be protected rather than treated like a broken toy to be thrown away.
The author does a wonderful job of providing information so that those who are transgendered or have a loved one who is can find the resources they need to get help so they don’t end up another statistic.
Since the world is so used to binary genders and operates pretty much solely on that ideal Janna Barkin provides a glossary and in-depth explanation to explain what goes beyond the two main genders people are familiar with. She also helpfully explains what gender even means from a scientific and social construct. Interspersed throughout the book are passages written by Barkin’s family members and friends which further add a more complete picture and interesting dynamic since you are getting various points of views and experiences.
As a parent with kids in school, and living in an area of the States that is staunchly conservative and Republican, I often hear all kinds of negativity from other parents when transgendered issues begin popping up. Chief among them being parents don’t think these kids actually are or can be transgendered instead it’s parents pushing these constructs on their child so they can be part of that ‘liberal group’. Barkin explains the various stages she witnessed her child go through from a mother’s point of view so it helps to shed light on a parent’s experience and thought process as to how they came to accept their child truly is transgendered versus a ‘tomboy’ versus a ‘girly boy’.
Having transgendered friends and living in a part of the States that is so openly hostile against the transgendered community I really wanted to read this book to gain some insight from a mother who was on the front lines. As a parent, particularly of children on the autism spectrum who are from an immigrant family and are half Hispanic, my own kids face challenges to who they are so it’s important to me to teach them to be accepting of others. For a good chunk of this book I felt disappointment because I couldn’t connect with Barkin even on a ‘mother’ level as she seems to place so much importance on mystic like situations; as if looking back she now realized these moments were some kind of all incredible signs.
There’s a reason the phrase “hindsight is 20/20” exists; we can all look back at different points in our lives and say “See, I knew it!” Despite having an Irish background which entails a lot of belief in mystical things the average person on the street might think is crazy, some of her reasons for knowing she always had a transgendered child seem a little out there and I really was hoping for more concrete, logically based reasons so I could understand how she got from knowing she gave birth to a baby girl to understanding her child may have been biologically a girl but in reality was a boy.
Such as when Barkin starts describing her prenatal dream journal and how she had dreams of a baby boy. Unfortunately I can already sense those staunch conservative parents latching onto this and saying “SEE! I told you parents are projecting what they want onto the kid! Kids can’t be transgendered, it’s all in the parents head.” I don’t know Barkin personally or anyone raising transgendered kids (I only know transgendered adults), therefore I can’t make a definitive argument saying I agree/disagree with the idea that parents are essentially brainwashing their kids into becoming the opposite gender for notoriety; I would hope not for everyone’s sake. I have to admit some uncomfortable feelings with having, much less keeping, a prenatal dream journal. I had never heard of this type of activity until her book and it’s a little hard for me to accept this as any kind of hard or even pseudo evidence but if her believing she had dreams that her baby girl was in fact supposed to be a boy led her to be a more accepting parent then so be it.
Another situation was her then 5 year old daughter was supposed to call out the baby’s gender once it was born as she was giving birth at home. Her daughter ‘mistakenly’ said “It’s a boy” though it was a girl and Barkin places importance on that moment saying her daughter knew already she had a baby brother instead of a baby sister.
Gabriel, the author’s husband, talks a good bit about circumcision because they both come from a Jewish background but don’t seem to be part of the traditional culture or beliefs anymore. He implies, if I’m understanding this correctly, that because there was this big argument and uncomfortableness with the fact that he and his wife did not want to circumcise any son they had that Amaya found a way around that by being born biologically a girl so his parents could avoid that uncomfortable situation.
Eventually she starts getting to the points that make logical sense and I can begin to understand her decisions as a fellow parent. Such as when it came to clothing. Once each of my girls could start voicing an opinion I rarely picked out anything on my own preferring instead to let them decide. I can see why Barkin would allow Amaya to have a say in what he wore and be accepting of those choices because I do the same. My oldest daughter LOVES anything really girly and would live in nothing but dresses if she could get away with it. My youngest daughter just seems to hate all clothes so we’re still working on that one lol.
Later in the back Barkin goes to great lengths to describe the years’ worth of experiences she and her husband had when they still believed Amaya was a girl who just happened to dress and have her hair cut in a way that made ‘her’ look like a boy. She talks about how they corrected people, often in front of Amaya, because they felt they were doing their job as supportive parents. They were going to let their ‘daughter’ define ‘herself’ via fashion however ‘she’ wanted but ensure people knew that even if Amaya looked like a boy ‘she’ was still a girl so society needed to accept there was fluidity in how the binary genders could present themselves. As much as Barkin explains that she feels bad in certain ways because she feels as if she was hampering her son’s ability to be honest with himself and others I think what she’s trying to convey is important. It goes to the heart of the argument some people make that parents are trying to force their child into a transgendered role for whatever the reason. Barkin shows they were in fact doing quite the opposite for years, they were going to let Amaya dress like how ‘she’ wanted but in their minds they had a daughter and they were going to fight tooth and nail to make sure others knew they had a daughter even if it looked otherwise.
She further details how she point blank asked her child if he wanted his parents to start publicly identifying him as a boy but at the time he said no. Even though she had strong feelings as a mother that her daughter was in fact her son she says she still did not push that identity onto him.
She talks about how Amaya had this one particular friend who also born biologically female was very much like Amaya in that she wanted to dress more like a male but her parents only allowed her to a certain extent. Barkin guesses, because she apparently never talked to the parents about it in all the years their children were friends, that it was because the parents are Catholic and being transgendered is considered a sin in Catholicism. I’m an Irish-Catholic and know other Catholics who don’t think this way. I wish she had actually talked to the parents rather than include assumptions because having factual information would be more helpful.
Just as I’ve heard the arguments that parents of transgendered kids are forcing their kids to be that way, apparently Barkin experienced the same when Amaya was in school and some of her classmates’ parents expressed similar beliefs. Getting to see how a parent who is being accused of that handles the information was interesting particularly in light of all the laws and school policies that keep being created to either help transgendered kids or force them to comply with their biology.
I could emphasize with the part when they talk about a mourning process parents go through upon realizing the child you thought you were having or have is in fact someone different. I remember when I was pregnant with my girls and when they were very little I couldn’t wait until they hit 3 so I could enroll them in soccer, then the inevitable ballet or gym lessons, the play dates, the ‘mom’ friends I would have, all the family activities we would engage in. When I began to realize my kids were different and not going to be able to fit into my original dreams I began to undergo my own transition of having to change my dreams based on who they are instead of who I wanted them to be. Understanding that parents of transgendered kids go through a very similar process provides a framework we can all come together on in order to support one another.
Reading the intense hurdles the family has had to go through whether it was socially, in the education system or just trying to get adequate medical care was heartbreaking. As a parent when you see your child need help or they’re just trying to live their life but people are doing everything they can to harm your child even if they don’t think they are it’s maddening.
Overall, once I got through the mystical parts that made no sense to me and were inhibiting my ability to connect with this book, I felt like I began to understand more what the term ‘Transgender’ fully entails. More than that I realized how similar the struggles parents face that are so similar to mine, their families are not that much different in the big picture and I’m glad I’m teaching my kids to be accepting of others but I’m going to alter my approach. I’m not going to keep teaching my kids to accept others regardless of differences, I’m going to teach them to be accepting of others because we’re all human beings just trying to find our way.
I’m really glad I read this so the next time I come into contact with someone who tries to argue that transgendered kids don’t exist and it’s just parents brainwashing them I finally have something to say.
People often skip introductions so they can dive right into the story but in this case especially it is of the upmost importance to read so you can get a fuller context on why discussing these issues is so incredibly needed. The suicide rates alone are horrific and tragic in that it could be so easily prevented if we put aside fear, anger and bigotry to realize this is the life of a human being we’re examining and therefore must be protected rather than treated like a broken toy to be thrown away.
The author does a wonderful job of providing information so that those who are transgendered or have a loved one who is can find the resources they need to get help so they don’t end up another statistic.
Since the world is so used to binary genders and operates pretty much solely on that ideal Janna Barkin provides a glossary and in-depth explanation to explain what goes beyond the two main genders people are familiar with. She also helpfully explains what gender even means from a scientific and social construct. Interspersed throughout the book are passages written by Barkin’s family members and friends which further add a more complete picture and interesting dynamic since you are getting various points of views and experiences.
As a parent with kids in school, and living in an area of the States that is staunchly conservative and Republican, I often hear all kinds of negativity from other parents when transgendered issues begin popping up. Chief among them being parents don’t think these kids actually are or can be transgendered instead it’s parents pushing these constructs on their child so they can be part of that ‘liberal group’. Barkin explains the various stages she witnessed her child go through from a mother’s point of view so it helps to shed light on a parent’s experience and thought process as to how they came to accept their child truly is transgendered versus a ‘tomboy’ versus a ‘girly boy’.
Having transgendered friends and living in a part of the States that is so openly hostile against the transgendered community I really wanted to read this book to gain some insight from a mother who was on the front lines. As a parent, particularly of children on the autism spectrum who are from an immigrant family and are half Hispanic, my own kids face challenges to who they are so it’s important to me to teach them to be accepting of others. For a good chunk of this book I felt disappointment because I couldn’t connect with Barkin even on a ‘mother’ level as she seems to place so much importance on mystic like situations; as if looking back she now realized these moments were some kind of all incredible signs.
There’s a reason the phrase “hindsight is 20/20” exists; we can all look back at different points in our lives and say “See, I knew it!” Despite having an Irish background which entails a lot of belief in mystical things the average person on the street might think is crazy, some of her reasons for knowing she always had a transgendered child seem a little out there and I really was hoping for more concrete, logically based reasons so I could understand how she got from knowing she gave birth to a baby girl to understanding her child may have been biologically a girl but in reality was a boy.
Such as when Barkin starts describing her prenatal dream journal and how she had dreams of a baby boy. Unfortunately I can already sense those staunch conservative parents latching onto this and saying “SEE! I told you parents are projecting what they want onto the kid! Kids can’t be transgendered, it’s all in the parents head.” I don’t know Barkin personally or anyone raising transgendered kids (I only know transgendered adults), therefore I can’t make a definitive argument saying I agree/disagree with the idea that parents are essentially brainwashing their kids into becoming the opposite gender for notoriety; I would hope not for everyone’s sake. I have to admit some uncomfortable feelings with having, much less keeping, a prenatal dream journal. I had never heard of this type of activity until her book and it’s a little hard for me to accept this as any kind of hard or even pseudo evidence but if her believing she had dreams that her baby girl was in fact supposed to be a boy led her to be a more accepting parent then so be it.
Another situation was her then 5 year old daughter was supposed to call out the baby’s gender once it was born as she was giving birth at home. Her daughter ‘mistakenly’ said “It’s a boy” though it was a girl and Barkin places importance on that moment saying her daughter knew already she had a baby brother instead of a baby sister.
Gabriel, the author’s husband, talks a good bit about circumcision because they both come from a Jewish background but don’t seem to be part of the traditional culture or beliefs anymore. He implies, if I’m understanding this correctly, that because there was this big argument and uncomfortableness with the fact that he and his wife did not want to circumcise any son they had that Amaya found a way around that by being born biologically a girl so his parents could avoid that uncomfortable situation.
Eventually she starts getting to the points that make logical sense and I can begin to understand her decisions as a fellow parent. Such as when it came to clothing. Once each of my girls could start voicing an opinion I rarely picked out anything on my own preferring instead to let them decide. I can see why Barkin would allow Amaya to have a say in what he wore and be accepting of those choices because I do the same. My oldest daughter LOVES anything really girly and would live in nothing but dresses if she could get away with it. My youngest daughter just seems to hate all clothes so we’re still working on that one lol.
Later in the back Barkin goes to great lengths to describe the years’ worth of experiences she and her husband had when they still believed Amaya was a girl who just happened to dress and have her hair cut in a way that made ‘her’ look like a boy. She talks about how they corrected people, often in front of Amaya, because they felt they were doing their job as supportive parents. They were going to let their ‘daughter’ define ‘herself’ via fashion however ‘she’ wanted but ensure people knew that even if Amaya looked like a boy ‘she’ was still a girl so society needed to accept there was fluidity in how the binary genders could present themselves. As much as Barkin explains that she feels bad in certain ways because she feels as if she was hampering her son’s ability to be honest with himself and others I think what she’s trying to convey is important. It goes to the heart of the argument some people make that parents are trying to force their child into a transgendered role for whatever the reason. Barkin shows they were in fact doing quite the opposite for years, they were going to let Amaya dress like how ‘she’ wanted but in their minds they had a daughter and they were going to fight tooth and nail to make sure others knew they had a daughter even if it looked otherwise.
She further details how she point blank asked her child if he wanted his parents to start publicly identifying him as a boy but at the time he said no. Even though she had strong feelings as a mother that her daughter was in fact her son she says she still did not push that identity onto him.
She talks about how Amaya had this one particular friend who also born biologically female was very much like Amaya in that she wanted to dress more like a male but her parents only allowed her to a certain extent. Barkin guesses, because she apparently never talked to the parents about it in all the years their children were friends, that it was because the parents are Catholic and being transgendered is considered a sin in Catholicism. I’m an Irish-Catholic and know other Catholics who don’t think this way. I wish she had actually talked to the parents rather than include assumptions because having factual information would be more helpful.
Just as I’ve heard the arguments that parents of transgendered kids are forcing their kids to be that way, apparently Barkin experienced the same when Amaya was in school and some of her classmates’ parents expressed similar beliefs. Getting to see how a parent who is being accused of that handles the information was interesting particularly in light of all the laws and school policies that keep being created to either help transgendered kids or force them to comply with their biology.
I could emphasize with the part when they talk about a mourning process parents go through upon realizing the child you thought you were having or have is in fact someone different. I remember when I was pregnant with my girls and when they were very little I couldn’t wait until they hit 3 so I could enroll them in soccer, then the inevitable ballet or gym lessons, the play dates, the ‘mom’ friends I would have, all the family activities we would engage in. When I began to realize my kids were different and not going to be able to fit into my original dreams I began to undergo my own transition of having to change my dreams based on who they are instead of who I wanted them to be. Understanding that parents of transgendered kids go through a very similar process provides a framework we can all come together on in order to support one another.
Reading the intense hurdles the family has had to go through whether it was socially, in the education system or just trying to get adequate medical care was heartbreaking. As a parent when you see your child need help or they’re just trying to live their life but people are doing everything they can to harm your child even if they don’t think they are it’s maddening.
Overall, once I got through the mystical parts that made no sense to me and were inhibiting my ability to connect with this book, I felt like I began to understand more what the term ‘Transgender’ fully entails. More than that I realized how similar the struggles parents face that are so similar to mine, their families are not that much different in the big picture and I’m glad I’m teaching my kids to be accepting of others but I’m going to alter my approach. I’m not going to keep teaching my kids to accept others regardless of differences, I’m going to teach them to be accepting of others because we’re all human beings just trying to find our way.
I’m really glad I read this so the next time I come into contact with someone who tries to argue that transgendered kids don’t exist and it’s just parents brainwashing them I finally have something to say.
September 25, 2017
We hear much about transgender children and so I was eager to read this book to give me some understanding on the subject.. From the first few pages it,was obvious that the author desperately wanted the reader to empathize with her child as she gives many, many references to which the reader can learn more about the subject. I personally feel that a very young child's brain is not mature enough to make such a life-changing decision. The way the author panders to Amaya's demands about not wanting to wear dresses or play with dolls is almost absurd. I do understand that some people have gender adjusting problems, but not a child that young. The author, Amaya's mother, wanted the reader to totally agree with her thoughts and reasoning and also insisted that the schools go along with her. It actually made me upset to the point that I strongly believed that the mother was forcing the child to become what the mother wanted. I do hope that Amaya is happy in the body to which was adapted. This book gives some insight into what a mother will do to assist her child to be what the mother wants. I thank Netgalley for the opportunity to give my honest opinion.
April 6, 2021
This is a helpful book for anybody to learn more about what it's like to support somebody who is transgender. Seeing the experience through the parents' eyes was really helpful because you saw the mistakes they made (not many, fortunately) but you clearly saw the love they had for their child. If only all parents were this unconditionally supportive of their children.
December 27, 2021
Read this 2 years ago. Gave it to my parents and it did fuck-all. Decent book though.
July 22, 2017
Note: I was provided an eARC of this book from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review!
This book was more in-depth than I had imagined it would be, and that was what made it so impressive. The beginning of the book provides a glossary of terms and sayings that are integral to the LGBTQ community, and they are a very good learning tool to begin with. For those who do not know many people in the community, or who are willing and wanting to learn and understand, it really was a nice thing to include. You can tell right out of the gate that this book is about learning and understanding, so that everyone can walk the road to acceptance.
The story of Amaya Barkin's life, from early beginnings as a female to becoming who he was truly meant to be, is rather remarkable. So many young girls are labeled as 'tomboys' because they enjoy things that are outside of what are considered by most to be their gender norms. Some girls just feel more at home in a more masculine world while others, like Amaya, are harboring something that is much deeper than just the surface need and want to fit into a more masculine facet of culture. Phrases like tomboy really do need to be eradicated, because they just have no place in our world anymore. It hurts both the transgender and not transgender child, because there doesn't have to be a masculine or feminine division. It was nice to see that same sort of thinking in this book, and from Amaya's wonderful and accepting parents.
I liked that the book also wasn't just told from the perspective of her parents, from other important people in Amaya's life. Family friends, therapists, siblings, and even grandparents. Seeing their points-of-view, how they felt about all of these changes, were very paramount. It takes a village to raise a child, they say, and that is true. It also takes a village to help a child become the person they're meant to be, in whatever capacity that is.
There was just so much great information in this book, and it was all very relevant to the situations at hand. Information on support groups, surgeries, and even hormonal changes. It was lovely to read, and put together by a mother who loves her child so much, from birth onward without wavering. Even though there were times when things were obviously difficult, Janna Barkin never questioned or gave up on her child, and that is the most important thing that could ever happen in the life of an LGBTQ person.
This book was more in-depth than I had imagined it would be, and that was what made it so impressive. The beginning of the book provides a glossary of terms and sayings that are integral to the LGBTQ community, and they are a very good learning tool to begin with. For those who do not know many people in the community, or who are willing and wanting to learn and understand, it really was a nice thing to include. You can tell right out of the gate that this book is about learning and understanding, so that everyone can walk the road to acceptance.
The story of Amaya Barkin's life, from early beginnings as a female to becoming who he was truly meant to be, is rather remarkable. So many young girls are labeled as 'tomboys' because they enjoy things that are outside of what are considered by most to be their gender norms. Some girls just feel more at home in a more masculine world while others, like Amaya, are harboring something that is much deeper than just the surface need and want to fit into a more masculine facet of culture. Phrases like tomboy really do need to be eradicated, because they just have no place in our world anymore. It hurts both the transgender and not transgender child, because there doesn't have to be a masculine or feminine division. It was nice to see that same sort of thinking in this book, and from Amaya's wonderful and accepting parents.
I liked that the book also wasn't just told from the perspective of her parents, from other important people in Amaya's life. Family friends, therapists, siblings, and even grandparents. Seeing their points-of-view, how they felt about all of these changes, were very paramount. It takes a village to raise a child, they say, and that is true. It also takes a village to help a child become the person they're meant to be, in whatever capacity that is.
There was just so much great information in this book, and it was all very relevant to the situations at hand. Information on support groups, surgeries, and even hormonal changes. It was lovely to read, and put together by a mother who loves her child so much, from birth onward without wavering. Even though there were times when things were obviously difficult, Janna Barkin never questioned or gave up on her child, and that is the most important thing that could ever happen in the life of an LGBTQ person.
July 8, 2018
Disclosure: I know the family - for a very long time. (I was there when Gabe and Janna met.)
Here is the review I wrote for myself in the records I keep:
It's the story of a child born female but always being male, and the path he and the family take from where she starts, to where he feels comfortable and like himself. To be more precise this is Janna and Gabe's story of raising Amaya. It's true that Amaya never seemed like a girl any of the times I met him on my random interactions and visits in the past two decades. When I was on my big road trip four years ago I visited. I was filled in on the whole story and many of the details. I'm thrilled to see their story make it into print. Indeed, people should be allowed to be whomever they wish to be. I have always been proud of them as parents, but now I get to be proud about this too.
Added for Goodreads:
It's true that any sane person would question the early age at which these parents made these choices for their child, and I know the depth to which they posed these questions to themselves, because, well... they are quite sane. I'll admit that maybe the heart-rending nature of these decisions is made to seem almost light, not by design, but merely because that's the book Janna chose to write - a thing designed to give hope in light of sometimes overwhelming realities. There is such a HUGE difference between a despondent child, curling in on herself because these boob things are ALL WRONG, and a vibrant, confidant, young man who finally feels comfortable in his skin. Amaya is lucky to have parents that will support him no matter what. Not all kids get that. The progressive nature of the family, as a whole, and the way Janna portrayed the story here, is exactly the kind of view of it all, that the wider, less-tolerant-of-differences world, can learn and grow from.
Here is the review I wrote for myself in the records I keep:
It's the story of a child born female but always being male, and the path he and the family take from where she starts, to where he feels comfortable and like himself. To be more precise this is Janna and Gabe's story of raising Amaya. It's true that Amaya never seemed like a girl any of the times I met him on my random interactions and visits in the past two decades. When I was on my big road trip four years ago I visited. I was filled in on the whole story and many of the details. I'm thrilled to see their story make it into print. Indeed, people should be allowed to be whomever they wish to be. I have always been proud of them as parents, but now I get to be proud about this too.
Added for Goodreads:
It's true that any sane person would question the early age at which these parents made these choices for their child, and I know the depth to which they posed these questions to themselves, because, well... they are quite sane. I'll admit that maybe the heart-rending nature of these decisions is made to seem almost light, not by design, but merely because that's the book Janna chose to write - a thing designed to give hope in light of sometimes overwhelming realities. There is such a HUGE difference between a despondent child, curling in on herself because these boob things are ALL WRONG, and a vibrant, confidant, young man who finally feels comfortable in his skin. Amaya is lucky to have parents that will support him no matter what. Not all kids get that. The progressive nature of the family, as a whole, and the way Janna portrayed the story here, is exactly the kind of view of it all, that the wider, less-tolerant-of-differences world, can learn and grow from.
November 1, 2023
As the mother of a transgender child/son, I have always tried to educate myself and read everything and anything that will help give me a better understanding of how it feels to live with gender dysphoria. My child was in their thirties when they decided to transition and so the choices were theirs and that took a lot of responsibility off of us, their parents. They had come out as gay/lesbian in their teens and I did not handle that well at all (1990s was a different time). I got lots of counselling and so, when my child, came out as transgender in their 30s, I did not want to make the same mistakes. It was still a very difficult process to watch as a parent but I gave me full support and love as they went through their transition. We joined a support group geared to parents of adult transgender children and that was a wonderful tool that helped us gain insight and, at the same time, commiserate with people who understood, did not judge and helped us navigate the changes that were about to come. This book is a wonderful story of the love and support that parents gave tor their transgender son who showed signs of gender dysphoria as early as two years old. I only wish that parents of transgender children could take a lesson from them and realize how very important that the love and support of family is primary in their journey. It is true that every transgender’s story is not the same and they all make choices that work for them and may not be the same as others travelling that same journey. It is a story I would highly recommend to anyone going on this journey with their child. It will enlighten you and help you to help your child.
August 10, 2017
Received this book from Netgalley for my honest review.
I couldn't wait to read this book. In my little town that I live in there are a quite a few LGTBQ children and I was hoping to read this and be able to have a little more understanding. The technical piece was a lot of information and a lot of information on how to find support groups. Which is wonderful for family and friends of children/adults going through this process and trying to find their way.
The actual "Mother's Story" felt lacking. To me Janna Barkin's and family didn't come a long way like the description states, they were all for it no matter what Amaya decided they were on top of things. I didn't really see the struggle except when they went to TX but even then, Janna was always better and right over anyone else and how dare anyone not understand. I know that they went through struggles because you could see it (Amaya wanting to only wear boys underwear when he was little) but it wasn't fleshed out enough to really understand that it was truly a difficult decision. I thought the book was ok but not what I was expecting with a memoir of going through this very difficult transition. They made it seem for the most part easy and they just kind of fluffed through it for the most part. I know a lot of others will disagree about my opinion and that is fine. I did learn some things about the differences and how things work with this and again the technical pieces of this book are so in depth which is wonderful.
I couldn't wait to read this book. In my little town that I live in there are a quite a few LGTBQ children and I was hoping to read this and be able to have a little more understanding. The technical piece was a lot of information and a lot of information on how to find support groups. Which is wonderful for family and friends of children/adults going through this process and trying to find their way.
The actual "Mother's Story" felt lacking. To me Janna Barkin's and family didn't come a long way like the description states, they were all for it no matter what Amaya decided they were on top of things. I didn't really see the struggle except when they went to TX but even then, Janna was always better and right over anyone else and how dare anyone not understand. I know that they went through struggles because you could see it (Amaya wanting to only wear boys underwear when he was little) but it wasn't fleshed out enough to really understand that it was truly a difficult decision. I thought the book was ok but not what I was expecting with a memoir of going through this very difficult transition. They made it seem for the most part easy and they just kind of fluffed through it for the most part. I know a lot of others will disagree about my opinion and that is fine. I did learn some things about the differences and how things work with this and again the technical pieces of this book are so in depth which is wonderful.
February 6, 2018
Nah. I could have done with hearing a lot more from Amaya - the book (written by his mum with various relatives and friends) came across as patronising, smug and generally like a round-robin written by an annoying Californian distant relative. There's a lot about Amaya's amazing achievements and saintly nature (the bit where his gran adds an excited "($$$$)!" after the list of his scholarships is particularly cringey) and not much of the detail of his life. Also, I winced a bit at the "grown up tomboy ladies" his dad meets and also some of the coy references to "tomboy" adults throughout the text - you mean lesbians, so say so.
August 2, 2017
This is a memoir of a mother raising her transgender son. It has been written by family, friends and professionals who were involved along the way. Their stories are powerful. I needed to try and understand what raising a transgender child meant. Many years ago I met a family who had a similar experience and looking from the outside I could not understand, neither did I feel I could ask. How I wish I had read this book then, if only to deal with situations differently. The book is very readable and a credit to the family involved for sharing their experiences.
December 11, 2017
This book is a good read for anyone, not just families raising transgender children. Janna includes a helpful glossary of terminology and a section on available resources. I found the gradual unfolding of this family's journey helpful in understanding, a little at a time, the issues involved in raising a transgender child. It is powerful in a quiet way. I am so thankful for their family, friends and community, they all learned together.
I think Janna's writing got better and better as she got further into her story. Keep writing!
I think Janna's writing got better and better as she got further into her story. Keep writing!
July 5, 2017
Thanks to Netgalley.
A very informative moving and engrossing book about a family and gender identity. This books opens with a passage from Amaya and then is written by the mother. It is their unique story and is interspersed with lots of information and professional advice. There is a detailed glossary of terms which was extremely helpful.
A very informative moving and engrossing book about a family and gender identity. This books opens with a passage from Amaya and then is written by the mother. It is their unique story and is interspersed with lots of information and professional advice. There is a detailed glossary of terms which was extremely helpful.
February 9, 2023
This book was very informative! I learned a lot about being the parent of a child who is transgender. This book warmed my heart. It also gave many resources, which will be very helpful. I recommend this book to anyone who wants to learn more about this topic. It was a great read with short chapters and various points of view.
May 26, 2017
Thank you Netgalley for the ARC. I loved this book. I thought the family did a good hob of showing their journey while also being educational about trans issues (reviewer's note: I'm cis, so my perspective might be flawed).
March 8, 2019
I really appreciated the story of the journey of the transition of Amaya and his family/friends for many reasons, including learning more about what is involved in the journey and the warmth with which it is told. It was a pleasant surprise to also find people and places we know in the story.
October 4, 2019
Great memoir about this family and their journey with their transgender son Amaya. Definitely allows for greater understanding and empathy.
March 28, 2021
A good resource for people dealing with transgender issues. I guess I hoped for more day-to-day descriptions of their life, but still a decent book.
May 31, 2022
With this book, Janna Barkin shares her family’s experiences so that many other parents and families of trans kids can be stronger supporters. What an important book!
October 25, 2023
Read for a class I ended up dropping LMAO.
June 14, 2019
He’s Always Been My Son is a compelling memoir written by Janna Barkin, the mom of a trans child. I work as a Therapist and see many trans teens and this book has been a wonderful resource for parents and families who have a trans child. Janna shares her experiences including successes and challenges and her story normalizes the process for other parents and caregivers. Interspersed throughout the memoir are tidbits of information and definitions of words that may be unfamiliar to someone new to the trans community. This is such a wonderful book for anyone who is interested in learning about one mom’s experience raising a trans child.
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