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Sexy: The Quest for Erotic Virtue in Perplexing Times
We’ve lost the art of being sexy. Sure, we’ve got plenty of casual sex, porn, and sexual freedom to go around, but none of that is sexy. That stuff lacks the joy of transcendence, flirtation, dancing, or genuine intimacy.
For some, the solution is louder moralizing and stricter, more legalistic thinking.
But what if we reframed the conversation altogether? Instead of focusing on taboos, boundaries, and rules of sexual engagement, what if we were to let unconditional love seduce people back to erotic virtue? What if we stopped asking how close we can get to the ethical boundaries and started asking, who do we truly want to be and, more important, who do we want to be toward those we love?
For some, the solution is louder moralizing and stricter, more legalistic thinking.
But what if we reframed the conversation altogether? Instead of focusing on taboos, boundaries, and rules of sexual engagement, what if we were to let unconditional love seduce people back to erotic virtue? What if we stopped asking how close we can get to the ethical boundaries and started asking, who do we truly want to be and, more important, who do we want to be toward those we love?
356 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2017
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52 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews
July 7, 2019
Absolutely phenomenal book on romantic love in Christianity. Speaking as someone who has no experience and no desire for any romantic love, I would still recommend this for anyone. At any stage of life. Read this.
Mallinson's writing style is conversational, while still academic; it's very easy to follow while still making you feel like you're learning something. This got better and better as I worked my way through various chapters over time. I was hooked.
Mallinson builds a framework of the "New Logic" or "Surfing the Tao," which is really just a different philosophical way of saying the theology of the cross, or grace alone. He uses this structure to examine each smaller idea within romantic love. At first it felt a little too off-the-wall, but in the end he won me over.
I will put the table of contents below to demonstrate Mallinson's great creativity with his framing device of Cohen's "Hallelujah":
Introduction: Sexiness at the Intersection of Goodness, Truth, and Beauty
A Secret Chord (The Relationship between Divine and Human Love)
A Blaze of Light (The Connection between Spirituality and Virtue)
A Cold and Lonely Hallelujah (Masturbation)
I Did My Best (Premarital Sex)
You Say I Took the Name in Vain (Finding the One)
You Saw her Bathing on the Roof (Porn and Commodified Bodies)
Love Is Not a Victory march (Surviving Marriage)
How to Shoot at Somebody Who Outdrew You (Divorce)
Now you Never Show It to Me (Sex and Aging)
Even Though It All Went Wrong (Erotic Healing)
Would highly recommend reading this alongside other personal books like Night Driving: Notes from a Prodigal Soul and Tough Call: A Little Book on Making Big Decisions.
For a more formal explanation of the framework which Mallinson uses for personal exploration in this book, read On Being a Theologian of the Cross: Reflections on Luther's Heidelberg Disputation, 1518 and Theology of the Cross: Luther's Heidelberg Disputation & Reflections on Its 28 Theses.
I'm also intrigued by Christ Alone, and van Voorhis's Monsters: Addiction, Hope, Ex-girlfriends, and Other Dangerous Things.
Can I also be a book publishing nerd for a moment and say this book has a *matte* cover and I LOVE matte covers. That is all.
Picked this up during 1517's Here We Still Stand conference in Oct 2018.
Mallinson's writing style is conversational, while still academic; it's very easy to follow while still making you feel like you're learning something. This got better and better as I worked my way through various chapters over time. I was hooked.
Mallinson builds a framework of the "New Logic" or "Surfing the Tao," which is really just a different philosophical way of saying the theology of the cross, or grace alone. He uses this structure to examine each smaller idea within romantic love. At first it felt a little too off-the-wall, but in the end he won me over.
I will put the table of contents below to demonstrate Mallinson's great creativity with his framing device of Cohen's "Hallelujah":
Introduction: Sexiness at the Intersection of Goodness, Truth, and Beauty
A Secret Chord (The Relationship between Divine and Human Love)
A Blaze of Light (The Connection between Spirituality and Virtue)
A Cold and Lonely Hallelujah (Masturbation)
I Did My Best (Premarital Sex)
You Say I Took the Name in Vain (Finding the One)
You Saw her Bathing on the Roof (Porn and Commodified Bodies)
Love Is Not a Victory march (Surviving Marriage)
How to Shoot at Somebody Who Outdrew You (Divorce)
Now you Never Show It to Me (Sex and Aging)
Even Though It All Went Wrong (Erotic Healing)
Would highly recommend reading this alongside other personal books like Night Driving: Notes from a Prodigal Soul and Tough Call: A Little Book on Making Big Decisions.
For a more formal explanation of the framework which Mallinson uses for personal exploration in this book, read On Being a Theologian of the Cross: Reflections on Luther's Heidelberg Disputation, 1518 and Theology of the Cross: Luther's Heidelberg Disputation & Reflections on Its 28 Theses.
I'm also intrigued by Christ Alone, and van Voorhis's Monsters: Addiction, Hope, Ex-girlfriends, and Other Dangerous Things.
Can I also be a book publishing nerd for a moment and say this book has a *matte* cover and I LOVE matte covers. That is all.
Picked this up during 1517's Here We Still Stand conference in Oct 2018.
May 31, 2021
I told my Grandma the title of this book and she replied: "I wouldn't admit to reading that in public."
(She then asked if I planned on reading Lady Chatterly's Lover and gleefully admitted she had. But that's another story.)
Despite the titillating title, Sexy: The Quest for Erotic Virtue in Perplexing Times provides a fairly uncontroversial thesis: Christians should never treat love transactionally. Agape love should infuse all Christian relationships, especially romantic ones. He then explores what that looks like within the bounds of human sexuality. Topics range from relatively familiar harangues against Josh Harris's I Kissed Dating Goodbye to more controversial subjects like porn and masturbation.
Mallinson very carefully defines words like "sexiness" and "virtue" at the beginning of this book so they crop up frequently, but not with the typical, man-on-the street definitions. It took a little bit for me to buy his definitions. But it really helped with the eventual payout and provided much needed clarity to his thought.
I did thoroughly enjoy this book; it engages well with the subject and challenged my own beliefs. I frequently disagreed with him but it added to the experience. His foundation in grace added much needed nuance to hot-button issues within the church. And I'm always down for references to Luther, Lewis, and Kierkegaard.
The book challenged many of my core-attitudes and for that reason deserves five stars.
Unfortunately, the fact that it possessed such great content only highlighted the often...lackluster presentation of that content.
For one, the book is far too autobiographical. Maybe Mallinson's friends and family appreciate his frequent interjections about his own life. I did not. In an attempt to appear humble, his frequent references to his own failures sent the book down rabbit trails I found unhelpful and distracting. If he wanted to explore his own relationships and marriage, he should have gone full memoir and dropped the exploration of theology. Or vice versa.
Second, his exploration of theology involved extensive block quotes. Used in moderation, block quotes can sometimes supplement a text. But rarely do I find this the case. In this book, I kept having to actively force myself to read the block quotes. And more often than not my eyes glazed over by the end anyway.
Third, he also includes contributing essays from others, including a couple by his wife and one from his son. With the exception of Micah Bournes (who I have a soft-spot for anyway), I didn't think these added much. I appreciated the differing viewpoints (and discussion of women and sexuality often implicit in them), but too often they read like rabbit trails from whoever happened to be standing nearby at the time.
I do recommend this one to Christians (especially if you have any Lutheran background) and am grateful Kris let me spend my memorial day vacation reading her copy! I'm going to have to buy one for myself—it is definitely a book I need to re-read. It isn't neatly written. My legal mind often chaffed against the rambling circles and rabbit trails. But I also loved the academic discussion. It proved a remarkably thought-provoking and practical book for such an esoteric topic.
(She then asked if I planned on reading Lady Chatterly's Lover and gleefully admitted she had. But that's another story.)
Despite the titillating title, Sexy: The Quest for Erotic Virtue in Perplexing Times provides a fairly uncontroversial thesis: Christians should never treat love transactionally. Agape love should infuse all Christian relationships, especially romantic ones. He then explores what that looks like within the bounds of human sexuality. Topics range from relatively familiar harangues against Josh Harris's I Kissed Dating Goodbye to more controversial subjects like porn and masturbation.
Mallinson very carefully defines words like "sexiness" and "virtue" at the beginning of this book so they crop up frequently, but not with the typical, man-on-the street definitions. It took a little bit for me to buy his definitions. But it really helped with the eventual payout and provided much needed clarity to his thought.
I did thoroughly enjoy this book; it engages well with the subject and challenged my own beliefs. I frequently disagreed with him but it added to the experience. His foundation in grace added much needed nuance to hot-button issues within the church. And I'm always down for references to Luther, Lewis, and Kierkegaard.
The book challenged many of my core-attitudes and for that reason deserves five stars.
Unfortunately, the fact that it possessed such great content only highlighted the often...lackluster presentation of that content.
For one, the book is far too autobiographical. Maybe Mallinson's friends and family appreciate his frequent interjections about his own life. I did not. In an attempt to appear humble, his frequent references to his own failures sent the book down rabbit trails I found unhelpful and distracting. If he wanted to explore his own relationships and marriage, he should have gone full memoir and dropped the exploration of theology. Or vice versa.
Second, his exploration of theology involved extensive block quotes. Used in moderation, block quotes can sometimes supplement a text. But rarely do I find this the case. In this book, I kept having to actively force myself to read the block quotes. And more often than not my eyes glazed over by the end anyway.
Third, he also includes contributing essays from others, including a couple by his wife and one from his son. With the exception of Micah Bournes (who I have a soft-spot for anyway), I didn't think these added much. I appreciated the differing viewpoints (and discussion of women and sexuality often implicit in them), but too often they read like rabbit trails from whoever happened to be standing nearby at the time.
I do recommend this one to Christians (especially if you have any Lutheran background) and am grateful Kris let me spend my memorial day vacation reading her copy! I'm going to have to buy one for myself—it is definitely a book I need to re-read. It isn't neatly written. My legal mind often chaffed against the rambling circles and rabbit trails. But I also loved the academic discussion. It proved a remarkably thought-provoking and practical book for such an esoteric topic.
July 13, 2018
I thought the content was 4 stars, but I think the book was 1-2 chapters too long. Additionally, some more editing of the book would have cut down on some of the rabbit trails. Often, 1 story would have sufficed but 2 were given.
That being said, I enjoyed his thesis of applying the gospel to our sexual lives—agape to our eros. I think everyone struggles with the relational score keeping in marriage, and this book was a good reminder to fight against it.
That being said, I enjoyed his thesis of applying the gospel to our sexual lives—agape to our eros. I think everyone struggles with the relational score keeping in marriage, and this book was a good reminder to fight against it.
January 1, 2019
Excellent work. This is a good representative of a completely different approach to sexuality and sexual ethics than the vast majority of Christian treatments of the topic. It’s an approach that’s rooted in the love of the logic of the Gospel rather than rules.
At times Mallinson overextends his thesis and unnecessarily excludes what he calls rules based ethics. Yet all in all I believe he is absolutely on the right track.
Make sure you’re cool with rabbit trails and daoism before reading though, lol.
At times Mallinson overextends his thesis and unnecessarily excludes what he calls rules based ethics. Yet all in all I believe he is absolutely on the right track.
Make sure you’re cool with rabbit trails and daoism before reading though, lol.
May 20, 2020
In a time where hardly anyone is saying hardly anything substantive about sex and sexuality, Dr. Mallinson manages to actually say something.
June 17, 2018
Wonderful book. It was a little tough to follow at the beginning (a couple of new concept and words), but as I continued it all fell into place. I enjoyed this book a lot.
Very Christ Centered. So refreshing to read how he always goes back to Christ - resting in Him, something that is lost in this "pietistic and restless evangelical" world.
Also, he touches the core issue, which is our depraved state. Not trying to produce behaviorism. But a change of heart. Not going after the "dos and don'ts" but what actually matters - love. Especially when it comes to relationships - transactional love vs. agape love.
This book is written in a very open way, sharing from his own experience and thoughts of his heart, which everyone can identify with.
Very Christ Centered. So refreshing to read how he always goes back to Christ - resting in Him, something that is lost in this "pietistic and restless evangelical" world.
Also, he touches the core issue, which is our depraved state. Not trying to produce behaviorism. But a change of heart. Not going after the "dos and don'ts" but what actually matters - love. Especially when it comes to relationships - transactional love vs. agape love.
This book is written in a very open way, sharing from his own experience and thoughts of his heart, which everyone can identify with.
October 9, 2019
A timely read from someone who's been teaching me about being and virtue for over a decade. Thanks Jeff! Totally a worthy and thought provoking read.
December 20, 2021
I haven't really finished this book. Millington is too rambly a writer for me to want to sit and read this front to back. Please don't take that as a criticism. Anyone who knows his work on the Virtue in the Wasteland podcast will know and love that rambling way of his, it's just not my jam in book format.
That being said, I come back to this book again and again, and it has transformed a lot of my thinking around Christian views of sex and relationships for the better (I hope). Whenever I am wrestling with one of the topics covered in his book, I pick it up and read the pertinent chapter, and I always find it beneficial and rewarding.
I have shared and recommended this book to numerous people, Christian and non. If you care about relationships, and find the current state of romantic engagement (on ANY level) concerning, this book is for you.
That being said, I come back to this book again and again, and it has transformed a lot of my thinking around Christian views of sex and relationships for the better (I hope). Whenever I am wrestling with one of the topics covered in his book, I pick it up and read the pertinent chapter, and I always find it beneficial and rewarding.
I have shared and recommended this book to numerous people, Christian and non. If you care about relationships, and find the current state of romantic engagement (on ANY level) concerning, this book is for you.
February 22, 2019
One of the most helpful and thought-provoking books I have ever read! This book also discusses sex and sexuality in honest and realistic ways. It challenges conventional thought in the church while remaining faithful to the essentials. I highly recommend this book.
August 13, 2018
Profound book
Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews