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5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High-Conflict Personalities
Some difficult people aren't just hard to deal with--they're dangerous.
Do you know someone whose moods swing wildly? Do they act unreasonably suspicious or antagonistic? Do they blame others for their own problems?
When a high-conflict person has one of five common personality disorders--borderline, narcissistic, paranoid, antisocial, or histrionic--they can lash out in risky extremes of emotion and aggression. And once an HCP decides to target you, they're hard to shake.
But there are ways to protect yourself. Using empathy-driven conflict management techniques, Bill Eddy, a lawyer and therapist with extensive mediation experience, will teach you
- Spot warning signs of the five high-conflict personalities in others and in yourself.
- Manage relationships with HCPs at work and in your private life.
- Safely avoid or end dangerous and stressful interactions with HCPs.
Filled with expert advice and real-life anecdotes, 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life is an essential guide to helping you escape negative relationships, build healthy connections, and safeguard your reputation and personal life in the process. And if you have a high-conflict personality, this book will help you help yourself.
Do you know someone whose moods swing wildly? Do they act unreasonably suspicious or antagonistic? Do they blame others for their own problems?
When a high-conflict person has one of five common personality disorders--borderline, narcissistic, paranoid, antisocial, or histrionic--they can lash out in risky extremes of emotion and aggression. And once an HCP decides to target you, they're hard to shake.
But there are ways to protect yourself. Using empathy-driven conflict management techniques, Bill Eddy, a lawyer and therapist with extensive mediation experience, will teach you
- Spot warning signs of the five high-conflict personalities in others and in yourself.
- Manage relationships with HCPs at work and in your private life.
- Safely avoid or end dangerous and stressful interactions with HCPs.
Filled with expert advice and real-life anecdotes, 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life is an essential guide to helping you escape negative relationships, build healthy connections, and safeguard your reputation and personal life in the process. And if you have a high-conflict personality, this book will help you help yourself.
208 pages, Kindle Edition
First published February 6, 2018
919 people are currently reading
6390 people want to read
About the author
Bill Eddy
48 books151 followersBill Eddy is a lawyer, therapist, mediator and the President of High Conflict Institute. He developed the "High Conflict Personality" theory (HCP Theory) and has become an international expert on managing disputes involving high conflict personalities and personality disorders. He provides training on this subject to lawyers, judges, mediators, managers, human resource professionals, businesspersons, healthcare administrators, college administrators, homeowners’ association managers, ombudspersons, law enforcement, therapists and others. He has been a speaker and trainer in over 25 states, several provinces in Canada, Australia, France and Sweden.
As an attorney, Bill is a Certified Family Law Specialist in California and the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego. Prior to becoming an attorney in 1992, he was a Licensed Clinical Social worker with twelve years’ experience providing therapy to children, adults, couples and families in psychiatric hospitals and outpatient clinics. He has taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law for six years and he is on the part-time faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law and the National Judicial College. He is the author of numerous articles and several books, including:
High Conflict People in Legal Disputes
It’s All YOUR Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns
He is also the developer of the “New Ways for Families” method of managing potentially high conflict families in and out of family court. He is currently developing a method for managing potentially high conflict employees titled “New Ways for Work.”
As an attorney, Bill is a Certified Family Law Specialist in California and the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego. Prior to becoming an attorney in 1992, he was a Licensed Clinical Social worker with twelve years’ experience providing therapy to children, adults, couples and families in psychiatric hospitals and outpatient clinics. He has taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law for six years and he is on the part-time faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law and the National Judicial College. He is the author of numerous articles and several books, including:
High Conflict People in Legal Disputes
It’s All YOUR Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns
He is also the developer of the “New Ways for Families” method of managing potentially high conflict families in and out of family court. He is currently developing a method for managing potentially high conflict employees titled “New Ways for Work.”
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 258 reviews
July 9, 2020
NOTE: I won this through Goodreads First Reads.
Review:
If you haven't had to deal with a high-conflict personality, you are very fortunate. If you have, and you read this book, you will receive validation that it's not you.
What this book does is break down narcissists, sociopaths, and other HCPs into five categories, such as the "I'm superior, You're Nothing Type" or the "Dramatic, Accusatory Type." I have found that some of these types are in the same person.
Toward the end of the book, there are chapters on getting help from others, dealing with negative advocates, and why there may be so many HCPs right now.
It's an interesting read, and a helpful read. The CARS Method is good. I like that the author says to get familiar with this concept before you need it, too.
There's a good appendix.
The author seems to have good credentials.
The author talks about self-awareness and how you can use that when dealing with HCPs.
Overall, it's an easy read and very helpful. If you work with ambitious people, I'd give it a read. I've found that ambitious people sometimes fall into the "I will do almost anything to get ahead, even if it's illegal, immoral, and unethical."
Our parents warned us about not talking to strangers. They didn't warn us that people we know could be more dangerous than strangers.
Review:
If you haven't had to deal with a high-conflict personality, you are very fortunate. If you have, and you read this book, you will receive validation that it's not you.
What this book does is break down narcissists, sociopaths, and other HCPs into five categories, such as the "I'm superior, You're Nothing Type" or the "Dramatic, Accusatory Type." I have found that some of these types are in the same person.
Toward the end of the book, there are chapters on getting help from others, dealing with negative advocates, and why there may be so many HCPs right now.
It's an interesting read, and a helpful read. The CARS Method is good. I like that the author says to get familiar with this concept before you need it, too.
There's a good appendix.
The author seems to have good credentials.
The author talks about self-awareness and how you can use that when dealing with HCPs.
Overall, it's an easy read and very helpful. If you work with ambitious people, I'd give it a read. I've found that ambitious people sometimes fall into the "I will do almost anything to get ahead, even if it's illegal, immoral, and unethical."
Our parents warned us about not talking to strangers. They didn't warn us that people we know could be more dangerous than strangers.
April 21, 2018
Wow... The man who wrote this book certainly seems to be achieving his personal goal of exacerbating the stigma against mental illness. Way to go, buddy! I am so saddened and dismayed by his rhetoric that I can't even think of much more to say right now!
However, I will add this comment for those who choose to read his books/blogs/etc.... Please don't take everything this man says to heart. I can't speak personally for many of his "High-Conflict Personality" types, but I can comment on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Before you decide to avoid and/or judge someone based on this diagnosis, please educate yourself. As opposed to some of the other personality types mentioned, most people with BPD develop this illness as a response to events from their life. In other words, they've LEARNED to behave this way based on how others have treated them. Consequently, this behavior can be UNLEARNED, primarily through DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). Also, as with any diagnosis, judging a group of people based on the most ill-behaved members is misleading and just plain unfair. (And, no, I don't want to hear anyone's stories about how they knew so-and-so with BPD and they did this-or-that or treated them however... I get it; there are people with BPD who can come across as outright crazy (for lack of a better word) or hurtful, but don't write them off for eternity. Everyone deserves a chance to change.)
However, I will add this comment for those who choose to read his books/blogs/etc.... Please don't take everything this man says to heart. I can't speak personally for many of his "High-Conflict Personality" types, but I can comment on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Before you decide to avoid and/or judge someone based on this diagnosis, please educate yourself. As opposed to some of the other personality types mentioned, most people with BPD develop this illness as a response to events from their life. In other words, they've LEARNED to behave this way based on how others have treated them. Consequently, this behavior can be UNLEARNED, primarily through DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). Also, as with any diagnosis, judging a group of people based on the most ill-behaved members is misleading and just plain unfair. (And, no, I don't want to hear anyone's stories about how they knew so-and-so with BPD and they did this-or-that or treated them however... I get it; there are people with BPD who can come across as outright crazy (for lack of a better word) or hurtful, but don't write them off for eternity. Everyone deserves a chance to change.)
January 20, 2024
Lawyer, mediator and social worker Bill Eddy has developed a system by which ordinary people can learn to spot - and eventually contend with - what he refers to as High-Conflict Personalities. These are the folks one comes across who make existence a whole lot harder than it has to be and, in certain dire circumstance, target you to pay for their pain. We're talking about nasty divorces here, ruthless child custody disputes, workplace lawsuits, combative neighbors, stalkers and the like. From the merely bothersome to the certifiably insane, it would be best to avoid falling into their crosshairs. Mr. Eddy provides his advice to those unfortunate souls who missed the subtle signals that might have warned them away.
Five distinct personality types are examined: the Narcissist, the Borderline, the Antisocial, the Paranoid, and the Histrionic. Attitudes and telltale behaviors are identified, examples provided, and strategies offered to minimize whatever damage impends. Eddy has a couple of interactive methods he's trademarked (naturally), which amount to tactics that pacify and promote disengagement.
It's a reasonable approach. And should you find that some lunatic is in the process of disrupting every aspect of your life? Reason may be precisely what you're looking for.
Five distinct personality types are examined: the Narcissist, the Borderline, the Antisocial, the Paranoid, and the Histrionic. Attitudes and telltale behaviors are identified, examples provided, and strategies offered to minimize whatever damage impends. Eddy has a couple of interactive methods he's trademarked (naturally), which amount to tactics that pacify and promote disengagement.
It's a reasonable approach. And should you find that some lunatic is in the process of disrupting every aspect of your life? Reason may be precisely what you're looking for.
June 8, 2018
I am just now getting to the point in my life after the last two years that I can now return to normalcy and begin to enjoy doing the things that I did before the HCP started to ruin my life. I used to take time out each day to read or do other small things for myself, but now I find myself in court battles, school battles, and other battles that cause me to defend my name. It is something that made no sense and was a place that I never imagined I would be in. In May, I discovered this book and was amazed that it described my situation in near perfection. It brought calmness to a chaotic situation. It allowed me to have a better idea of how to handle a HCP and showed me how to deal with him and his allies. Although things are finally turning around with documented evidence, etc. it has been an emotional and mental roller coaster that has been traumatic for myself and children. I would never wish it on my worst enemy. I strongly recommend this book to anyone that is struggling with a HCP that stems from divorce, work, or family members. I wish I knew about it several months ago. It has made a great difference in my life and I am speaking to my lawyer and my children's special education therapists about what the definition of a HCP means.
September 6, 2022
Full disclosure: I am diagnosed Bipolar NOS, PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder. Also I did not read this book nor will I read books by authors that stigmatize BPD, because that is a massive trigger for me & my recovery journey.
It's also been awhile since I wrote one of these. I'm sure the author and others will label me as highly reactive and aggressive but whatever. Someone has to stick up for us.
I am extremely disappointed that people choose to continue to stigmatize highly stigmatized disorders. BPD is one of the most stigmatized of diagnosis and this is not helping but contributes to the harm.
I, myself, like a lot of Borderlines have been traumatized and abused especially as children/teenagers. A lot of us Borderlines are people pleasers (like myself) and try to avoid conflicts. Yes, we can "split" on people especially if they purposely trigger us. Just because you know one Borderline doesn't mean you know us all. And ALL people can get into conflicts not just people with personality disorders and neurodivergence (I am both). This is all just so ridiculous and stigmatizing.
Borderline =\= Abusive.
Neurodivergence =\= Abusive.
Stop the stigma.
I was in denial for years after my DX at 22, and then it took years to actively recover because of the stigma. Who wants to be one of the "bad ones"???
Being Borderline doesn't make me a bad person or one of the "bad ones".
It makes me a highly sensitive and hyper empathic person with big feelings and moods who went through traumatic events and who also has the genetics for it as well I later found out.
Now with meds and therapy I manage it as well as I can at 33.
If any one has any good books for the Borderline in recovery let me know. Please no stigma.
It's also been awhile since I wrote one of these. I'm sure the author and others will label me as highly reactive and aggressive but whatever. Someone has to stick up for us.
I am extremely disappointed that people choose to continue to stigmatize highly stigmatized disorders. BPD is one of the most stigmatized of diagnosis and this is not helping but contributes to the harm.
I, myself, like a lot of Borderlines have been traumatized and abused especially as children/teenagers. A lot of us Borderlines are people pleasers (like myself) and try to avoid conflicts. Yes, we can "split" on people especially if they purposely trigger us. Just because you know one Borderline doesn't mean you know us all. And ALL people can get into conflicts not just people with personality disorders and neurodivergence (I am both). This is all just so ridiculous and stigmatizing.
Borderline =\= Abusive.
Neurodivergence =\= Abusive.
Stop the stigma.
I was in denial for years after my DX at 22, and then it took years to actively recover because of the stigma. Who wants to be one of the "bad ones"???
Being Borderline doesn't make me a bad person or one of the "bad ones".
It makes me a highly sensitive and hyper empathic person with big feelings and moods who went through traumatic events and who also has the genetics for it as well I later found out.
Now with meds and therapy I manage it as well as I can at 33.
If any one has any good books for the Borderline in recovery let me know. Please no stigma.
November 19, 2020
I read this book in connection with the book about Trump's dangerous psychology "The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump: 27 Psychiatrists and Mental Health Experts Assess a President" that I previously read - since, overall, Trump is assessed by psychologists as a pathological narcissist and sociopath. The present volume is about dealing with narcissists, like Trump, that we may directly come across in our own lives and how to avoid the destruction they may unleash into our lives. As a self-help book, it's not bad - it's simply written and readily accessible to any adult reader.
Here are the quotes, many of which may remind the reader of Donald Trump's behavior:
"It is not unusual for [an HCP] ... to totally contradict themselves form one day to the next, or in the middle of telling a story that is totally made up."
"...the histrionic HCP is comfortable stretching the truth because they operate largely on impressions, rather than facts."
"If you are a Target of Blame in a legal case, you need to be prepared for the possibility that the HCP's lawyer is a negative advocate -- whether emotionally hooked or an HCP as well."
"So if these ...types of people are so destructive, why do they still exist? My belief is that the "wiring" of the high-conflict brain that causes their extreme behaviors has historically been an asset to society in wartime but can be unnecessarily disruptive in peaceful civilizations. Their prevalence seems to increase or decrease in history based on how well-organized or disorganized a society is at that given time. In times of social upheaval, we seem to see more HCPs. For example, we are currently seeing an uptick in high-conflict personalities, partly because we are living in a time of rapid technological and social change, which is exacerbated by a huge media culture that focuses on images of negative, high-conflict behavior. The media focuses on these negative images and behaviors to grab your attention, but they're also teaching new generations that this is the new normal for relationship behavior. "
"Starting in the 1970s, individual rock stars, movie stars, sports stars, and billionaires became the most culturally admired people. Individual rights and freedoms have become the focus of people's political energies -- on both the left and right."
"I believe ... that our culture is teaching the behaviors of personality disorders through the intensive media exposure of the past twenty years. Since the 1990s, cable TV and the Internet (and the loss of print media) have escalated the emotional aspect of 24/7 news and increasingly extreme dramas, which emphasize bad behavior rather than good in order to get your attention. While this is entertaining for adults, it's social training for children."
"High-conflict personalities get our attention and may lead people to disrupt the existing order when it feels like there's too much instability or social rigidity. We may be experiencing our own socially conflicted period at the moment, because parts of our society have become too rigid (income inequality, lack of upward mobility, government regulations, etc.) and other parts may be too unstable (the Internet, gun violence, wars in the Middle East, etc.)."
The message from the author that he emphasizes repeatedly including giving examples, or scenarios, is to not respond in kind, not insult or exacerbate a conflict with an HCP since you might become a Target of Blame, but to be friendly yet firm in ending a conversation, and setting limits. He also emphasizes compassion no matter how disruptive the HCP may be.
With respect to how the country can deal with Trump, who is clearly an HCP, and survive possibly two terms of a Trump administration, in my opinion, the nation faces a huge challenge in having a pathological liar and narcissist like Trump as POTUS - and although we would like to apply Mr. Eddy's recommendations with respect to HCPs to Mr. Trump, avoiding Trump news, his never-ending outrages and so forth, is unfortunately impossible to do, as Trump is always in the news given his narcissistic propensity to make news one way or another on a daily basis. We cannot set limits with Trump and tactfully avoid a "conversation."
I do not see a positive side to the Trump presidency. I hope the country can survive the onslaught of selfishness, sadism, racism and hate Trump has unleashed and seems to revel in but I fear the worst.
Here are the quotes, many of which may remind the reader of Donald Trump's behavior:
"It is not unusual for [an HCP] ... to totally contradict themselves form one day to the next, or in the middle of telling a story that is totally made up."
"...the histrionic HCP is comfortable stretching the truth because they operate largely on impressions, rather than facts."
"If you are a Target of Blame in a legal case, you need to be prepared for the possibility that the HCP's lawyer is a negative advocate -- whether emotionally hooked or an HCP as well."
"So if these ...types of people are so destructive, why do they still exist? My belief is that the "wiring" of the high-conflict brain that causes their extreme behaviors has historically been an asset to society in wartime but can be unnecessarily disruptive in peaceful civilizations. Their prevalence seems to increase or decrease in history based on how well-organized or disorganized a society is at that given time. In times of social upheaval, we seem to see more HCPs. For example, we are currently seeing an uptick in high-conflict personalities, partly because we are living in a time of rapid technological and social change, which is exacerbated by a huge media culture that focuses on images of negative, high-conflict behavior. The media focuses on these negative images and behaviors to grab your attention, but they're also teaching new generations that this is the new normal for relationship behavior. "
"Starting in the 1970s, individual rock stars, movie stars, sports stars, and billionaires became the most culturally admired people. Individual rights and freedoms have become the focus of people's political energies -- on both the left and right."
"I believe ... that our culture is teaching the behaviors of personality disorders through the intensive media exposure of the past twenty years. Since the 1990s, cable TV and the Internet (and the loss of print media) have escalated the emotional aspect of 24/7 news and increasingly extreme dramas, which emphasize bad behavior rather than good in order to get your attention. While this is entertaining for adults, it's social training for children."
"High-conflict personalities get our attention and may lead people to disrupt the existing order when it feels like there's too much instability or social rigidity. We may be experiencing our own socially conflicted period at the moment, because parts of our society have become too rigid (income inequality, lack of upward mobility, government regulations, etc.) and other parts may be too unstable (the Internet, gun violence, wars in the Middle East, etc.)."
The message from the author that he emphasizes repeatedly including giving examples, or scenarios, is to not respond in kind, not insult or exacerbate a conflict with an HCP since you might become a Target of Blame, but to be friendly yet firm in ending a conversation, and setting limits. He also emphasizes compassion no matter how disruptive the HCP may be.
With respect to how the country can deal with Trump, who is clearly an HCP, and survive possibly two terms of a Trump administration, in my opinion, the nation faces a huge challenge in having a pathological liar and narcissist like Trump as POTUS - and although we would like to apply Mr. Eddy's recommendations with respect to HCPs to Mr. Trump, avoiding Trump news, his never-ending outrages and so forth, is unfortunately impossible to do, as Trump is always in the news given his narcissistic propensity to make news one way or another on a daily basis. We cannot set limits with Trump and tactfully avoid a "conversation."
I do not see a positive side to the Trump presidency. I hope the country can survive the onslaught of selfishness, sadism, racism and hate Trump has unleashed and seems to revel in but I fear the worst.
July 13, 2020
I wish I would have read this book twenty years ago. My divorce attorney recommended this book after our initial consultation and it really opened my eyes to why I was so miserable in my marriage. I also began to understand why a former manager and I were bumping heads so often, I had to find a new job. Very insightful, useful and most of all helpful when navigating the world of personalities.
February 5, 2018
Eddy's subtitle sums up the book he's delivering. This quick read will help the reader in his/her daily interactions to identify individuals exhibiting characteristics of a personality disorder, to distinguish between various disorders, and to more aptly deal with these sometimes challenging people. Examples and anecdotes presented also serve to foster personality awareness that would likely be helpful to all readers. Eddy has clearly devoted a lot of time to working with challenging personalities and is sharing some of his important findings here.
Non-fiction psychology books are not something I would generally think of as enjoyable reads, but this text proved to be interesting and thought-provoking from the start. Although the text is repetitive at times, it seems Eddy is just trying to drive important points home since this will be most people's first time addressing the subject matter. The book is appropriate for all audiences and all concepts are explained clearly. 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life would be a good read for anyone who is concerned they may be dealing with someone who has a personality disorder, those hoping to learn more about personality disorders, or those looking to gain general insights regarding interpersonal relationships.
I received an uncorrected proof of this book as a Goodreads giveaway in exchange for an honest review. Thanks to the author/publisher for participating in the giveaway.
Non-fiction psychology books are not something I would generally think of as enjoyable reads, but this text proved to be interesting and thought-provoking from the start. Although the text is repetitive at times, it seems Eddy is just trying to drive important points home since this will be most people's first time addressing the subject matter. The book is appropriate for all audiences and all concepts are explained clearly. 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life would be a good read for anyone who is concerned they may be dealing with someone who has a personality disorder, those hoping to learn more about personality disorders, or those looking to gain general insights regarding interpersonal relationships.
I received an uncorrected proof of this book as a Goodreads giveaway in exchange for an honest review. Thanks to the author/publisher for participating in the giveaway.
October 11, 2021
I grabbed this book as a bit of an impulse buy over lockdown. Overall its a pretty useful, relatively short tome. Essentially its a book about personality disorders but for layman rather than from a professional perspective. What is particularly useful is that the book is very practical, but still value based. It's not a harsh or stigmatizing perspective on "high conflict people" and recommends a sympathetic (but boundary based) approach which is agreeable.
As an impulse buy I wouldn't necessarily highly recommend, but nothing particularly wrong with it!
As an impulse buy I wouldn't necessarily highly recommend, but nothing particularly wrong with it!
April 14, 2021
4.5 stars
If there was a picture associated with the phrase, "Wow, good to know!" it would be a picture of this book cover.
If there was a picture associated with the phrase, "Wow, good to know!" it would be a picture of this book cover.
September 20, 2019
I really found it comforting, fascinating, and informative when I started it, but it soon turned into a repeat-fest. Literally the same thing over and over and over again. Maybe that's not a bad thing in the context of this book, but 1 theory and a few pointers is the kind of text you'll find in a quick 200 page book.
January 31, 2022
Very informative, especially the tips on how to avoid getting in to arguments with people who are programmed to give these kinds of extreme reactions when they feel threatened.
I also found that this book showed some compassion to both those who have a personality disorder as the people who deal with them as co-workers, family members or friends.
I also found that this book showed some compassion to both those who have a personality disorder as the people who deal with them as co-workers, family members or friends.
February 2, 2023
You can rename this book “The guide to magnifying every minor threat, living in constant paranoia, and escaping from mentally ill people by pretending to care about them.”
The 6th type of person who can ruin your life is this author. He will convince you that anyone who hasn't spent at least a decade in therapy is terrifying, cruel and extremely dangerous.
The 6th type of person who can ruin your life is this author. He will convince you that anyone who hasn't spent at least a decade in therapy is terrifying, cruel and extremely dangerous.
June 29, 2019
I've read a fair amount about sociopaths, including Jon Ronson's The Psychopath Test, The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout, and Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear. I think it's a fascinating subject, but this book didn't really add any to what I'd already read for that particular type of High Conflict Personality.
I mainly picked up the book to learn about the other 4 types of High Conflict Personalities (HCPs). In addition to the sociopaths, this book explored: narcissists, borderline, paranoid, and histronic HCP types. It was interesting to read about the different types, but it was a little dry.
And, I felt that the story didn't really delve into how the author had dealt with these HCPs in his role as a lawyer. Perhaps what I felt was missing was more real-life examples of how people were able to deal with them successfully and not fall victim to these HCPs. It was a little scant on actual advice, other than to identify and get yourself away so you don't become their next target.
I definitely got the memo that I don't want to be their next target.
I mainly picked up the book to learn about the other 4 types of High Conflict Personalities (HCPs). In addition to the sociopaths, this book explored: narcissists, borderline, paranoid, and histronic HCP types. It was interesting to read about the different types, but it was a little dry.
And, I felt that the story didn't really delve into how the author had dealt with these HCPs in his role as a lawyer. Perhaps what I felt was missing was more real-life examples of how people were able to deal with them successfully and not fall victim to these HCPs. It was a little scant on actual advice, other than to identify and get yourself away so you don't become their next target.
I definitely got the memo that I don't want to be their next target.
June 30, 2021
The Theme
Learning to recognize warning signs that most people ignore or don’t see—and then overriding your natural responses with actions based on your newfound wisdom about High-Conflict Personality (HCPs).
Never tell someone they are a high-conflict person, or that they have a personality disorder, no matter how obvious this may seem. They will see this as a life-threatening attack—and a valid reason to make you their central Target of Blame, perhaps for years to come. From their viewpoint, it will be as if you’d said, “Please do everything you can to ruin my life.
“For the same reason, never use your belief that someone is an HCP as a weapon against them.”
The Good and Bad News with People
The good news
You can trust 80 to 90 percent of people to be who they say they are; to do what they say they’ll do; and to follow most of the social rules that help us live together.
The bad news:
There are five types of people who can ruin your life. They can ruin your reputation, your self-esteem, or your career. They can destroy your finances, your physical health, or your sanity. Some of them will kill you, if you give them the opportunity.
These folks make up about 10 percent of humanity—one person in ten. In North America, that’s more than thirty-five million people. Eventually it’s very likely that one will decide to target you.
High-Conflict Personality.
Unlike most of us, who normally try to resolve or defuse conflicts, people with high-conflict personalities (HCPs) respond to conflicts by compulsively increasing them. They usually do this by focusing on Targets of Blame, whom they mercilessly attack—verbally, emotionally, financially, reputationally, litigiously, and sometimes violently—often for months or years, even if the initial conflict was minor.
Targets of Blame
Their Targets of Blame are usually someone close (a coworker, neighbor, friend, partner, or family member) or someone in a position of authority (boss, department head, police, government agent). Sometimes, though, the Target of Blame can be completely random.
The five types of people who can ruin your life:
Narcissistic HCPs:
They often seem very charming at first but believe they are hugely superior to others. They insult, humiliate, mislead, and lack empathy for their Targets of Blame. They also demand constant undeserved respect and attention from everyone.
Borderline HCPs:
They often start out extremely friendly—but they can suddenly and unpredictably shift into being extremely angry. When this shift occurs, they may seek revenge for minor or nonexistent slights. They may launch vicious attacks against their Targets of Blame that involve physical violence, verbal abuse, legal action, or attempts to destroy their Targets’ reputations.
Antisocial (or Sociopathic) HCPs:
They can be extremely charismatic—but their charm is a cover for their drive to dominate others through lying, stealing, publicly humiliating people, physically injuring them, and—in extreme cases—murdering them. Antisocial HCPs are remorseless and are said to have no conscience.
Paranoid HCPs:
They are deeply suspicious and constantly fear betrayal. Because they imagine conspiracies against them, they will launch preemptive attacks against their Targets of Blame, hoping to harm them first.
Histrionic HCPs:
They can have very dramatic and exciting personalities. They often tell wild and extreme stories (which are sometimes totally false). Over time, they can be very harmful and emotionally draining to those around them, especially their Targets of Blame.
Not everyone with a personality disorder is a high-conflict person, because not all of them attack Targets of Blame. Many just feel helpless, like a victim in life, and don’t blame anyone in particular.
Personality Disorder
Personality disorders are a category of mental disorder described in the mental health field’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Fifth Edition, known as the DSM-5. The DSM-5 lists ten different personality disorders, all of which seem to share three key characteristics.
Interpersonal dysfunction:
The person causes repeated problems in their relationships, usually by attacking others, withdrawing from others, exacting revenge, or expressing extreme anger.
Lack of social self-awareness:
The person is oblivious to how they create many of their own problems with other people. They can’t see their part in the problem or how they create most of their own problems.
Lack of change:
The person rarely changes what they do, no matter how much trouble it causes others or themselves. They sabotage themselves all the time. They’re stuck. Instead, they defend their actions and get angry at those who want them to change.
Recognizing Patterns
PEOPLE WITH HIGH-CONFLICT personalities are surprisingly predictable, once you know the warning signs. Since they can become so dangerous, this basic knowledge is becoming more and more essential for everyone, and it’s not complicated. It’s all about recognizing patterns.
Predictability
HCPs have a narrower pattern of thinking, feeling, and behaving than most people. This means that HCPs act the same way, over and over again, in many different situations with many different people. This high-conflict pattern makes their behavior more predictable than that of the average person, and makes it easier to identify someone as a possible HCP.
The four primary characteristics of high-conflict behavior patterns:
Lots of all-or-nothing thinking
HCPs tend to see conflicts in terms of one simple solution (i.e., everyone doing exactly what the HCP wants). They don’t—and perhaps can’t—analyze the situation, hear different points of view, and consider several possible solutions. Compromise and flexibility seem impossible for them.
Intense or unmanaged emotions
HCPs tend to become very emotional about their points of view. They often catch everyone else by surprise with their sudden and intense fear, sadness, yelling, or disrespect. Their responses can be way out of proportion to whatever is happening or being discussed, and they often seem unable to control their own emotions. Later, they may regret their outburst—or, sometimes, defend it as totally appropriate, and demand that you feel the same way.
Extreme behavior or threats
HCPs frequently engage in extreme negative behavior. This might include shoving or hitting someone; spreading rumors and outright lies about them; trying to have obsessive contact with them and tracking their every move; or refusing to have any contact with them at all, even though the person may be depending on the HCP for a response.
A preoccupation with blaming others—their Targets of Blame
The single most common—and most obvious—HCP trait is how frequently and intensely they blame other people, especially people close to them and people who seem to be in positions of authority over them. The HCP attacks, blames, and finds fault with everything their Target of Blame does. At the same time, HCPs see themselves as blameless and free of all responsibility for the problem.
The 90 Percent Rule
Many high-conflict people do things that 90 percent of people would never do.
When you see something extremely negative, ask yourself: Would 90 percent of people ever do this? If the answer is no, you are almost always watching a high-conflict personality in action.
Personality Awareness.
Avoiding and deflecting high-conflict behavior is like avoiding illness. You can protect yourself from becoming someone’s Target of Blame by vaccinating yourself with knowledge of the personality patterns of high-conflict people.
“You need to have personality awareness to protect yourself from and deal with potentially high-conflict people on a regular basis without getting hooked by them.“
The WEB MethodSM
There’s an easy way to remember how to evaluate someone for HCP traits – WEB MethodSM.
Observe the person’s words, your own emotions about them, and the person’s behavior. Words (W) plus emotions (E) plus behavior (B) = WEB.
Words: Do the person’s words fit the high-conflict pattern?
Emotions: What do you feel around this person? When you’re around them, or think about being around them.
Behavior: Has the person behaved in an extreme way?
Beware of excuses that justify extreme behavior or words because of stress or tiredness or unusual circumstances. Set aside any excuses and apply the 90 Percent Rule.
The CARS MethodSM
Connect with empathy, attention, and respect
Analyze alternatives or options
Respond to misinformation or hostility
Set limits on high-conflict behavior
Don’t naively get into a relationship with them because you believe you can change their personality or that you will “set them straight.” Forget about it!
EAR Statement – Empathy, Attention, and Respect
“I can see this is a frustrating situation. [Empathy] Tell me more—I want to understand what’s happening from your point of view. [Attention] I have a lot of respect for your efforts to resolve this problem. [Respect]”
“Staying in the relationship, no matter how much you try to manage it and set limits, may ultimately be incredibly draining for you. Often the best thing to do is end the relationship quickly and move on.”
Negative advocates (Flying Monkeys)
Negative advocates are often family members, close friends, or professionals (such as counselors, clergy, lawyers, etc.), who think they’re just being supportive of the HCP.
In many ways, negative advocates are like enablers or codependents of an alcoholic or drug addict. By siding with the HCP and attempting to help with their perceived struggles, they enable the HCP to remain stuck in his or her dysfunctional behavior, emotions, and thoughts by reinforcing them. This reinforcement of their extreme feelings often encourages the HCP to become more aggressive in their negative behavior, which often ends up hurting the HCP in the long run, as more people become involved and eventually turn against the HCP.
Getting Help
Who should you talk to? Who will understand what you’re talking about? People who understand bullies (counselors, lawyers, police, and others), both in the workplace or in domestic violence situations, are often great sources of support because the same kind of aggression is a common pattern of many high-conflict personalities. While these people may not be familiar with the concept of high-conflict personalities or personality disorders, they usually are familiar with some of the things to do when facing an abuser or constant liar, and may be able to offer advice.
THE THREE 3’S: 3 Theories, 3 Patterns, 3 Examples of Each
In general, don’t waste your time and emotional energy in trying to convince those who don’t want to understand your situation or who blame you for your circumstances. It’s not your fault, and it can quickly become exhausting and detrimental to you to attempt to bring them around. Many people lack personality awareness, may find it hard to understand your side, or may have a high-conflict personality of their own. Try not to take their lack of support personally. Instead, put your energy into finding people who do listen and understand.
Media Influence
Our culture is teaching the behaviors of personality disorders through the intensive media exposure of the past twenty years. Since the 1990s, cable TV and the Internet (and the loss of print media) have escalated the emotional aspect of 24/7 news and increasingly extreme dramas, which emphasize bad behavior rather than good in order to get your attention. While this is entertaining for adults, it’s social training for children. If you were to suddenly land on Earth and watch our 24/7 programming, you would believe that the world was at war everywhere—even though it is more at peace than at any other time in recorded history.
The Five Types of Patterns
What happens to the different HCPs because of their lack of self-awareness.
Borderline HCPs’ worst fear: being abandoned.
Their pattern of mood swings, intensity, sudden anger, and manipulation causes people to become angry with them and want to abandon them.
Narcissistic HCPs’ worst fear: being disrespected and seen as inferior.
Their pattern of arrogance, insults, entitlement, and demanding admiration causes people to see them as inferior and want to insult them back.
Antisocial HCPs’ worst fear: being dominated by others.
Their pattern of dominating others emotionally, financially, physically and by any other means necessary causes people to want them locked up and dominated by the authorities.
Paranoid HCPs’ worst fear: being betrayed by those close to them.
Their pattern of acting suspiciously, holding grudges and accusing others of being involved in conspiracies against them causes people to whisper about them to others and to turn away from them (“betray” them) after a build-up of frustration with them.
Histrionic HCPs’ worst fear: being ignored.
Their pattern of endless dramatic intensity burns out those around them, who soon try to ignore their stories and eventually can’t wait to get away from them.
Learning to recognize warning signs that most people ignore or don’t see—and then overriding your natural responses with actions based on your newfound wisdom about High-Conflict Personality (HCPs).
Never tell someone they are a high-conflict person, or that they have a personality disorder, no matter how obvious this may seem. They will see this as a life-threatening attack—and a valid reason to make you their central Target of Blame, perhaps for years to come. From their viewpoint, it will be as if you’d said, “Please do everything you can to ruin my life.
“For the same reason, never use your belief that someone is an HCP as a weapon against them.”
The Good and Bad News with People
The good news
You can trust 80 to 90 percent of people to be who they say they are; to do what they say they’ll do; and to follow most of the social rules that help us live together.
The bad news:
There are five types of people who can ruin your life. They can ruin your reputation, your self-esteem, or your career. They can destroy your finances, your physical health, or your sanity. Some of them will kill you, if you give them the opportunity.
These folks make up about 10 percent of humanity—one person in ten. In North America, that’s more than thirty-five million people. Eventually it’s very likely that one will decide to target you.
High-Conflict Personality.
Unlike most of us, who normally try to resolve or defuse conflicts, people with high-conflict personalities (HCPs) respond to conflicts by compulsively increasing them. They usually do this by focusing on Targets of Blame, whom they mercilessly attack—verbally, emotionally, financially, reputationally, litigiously, and sometimes violently—often for months or years, even if the initial conflict was minor.
Targets of Blame
Their Targets of Blame are usually someone close (a coworker, neighbor, friend, partner, or family member) or someone in a position of authority (boss, department head, police, government agent). Sometimes, though, the Target of Blame can be completely random.
The five types of people who can ruin your life:
Narcissistic HCPs:
They often seem very charming at first but believe they are hugely superior to others. They insult, humiliate, mislead, and lack empathy for their Targets of Blame. They also demand constant undeserved respect and attention from everyone.
Borderline HCPs:
They often start out extremely friendly—but they can suddenly and unpredictably shift into being extremely angry. When this shift occurs, they may seek revenge for minor or nonexistent slights. They may launch vicious attacks against their Targets of Blame that involve physical violence, verbal abuse, legal action, or attempts to destroy their Targets’ reputations.
Antisocial (or Sociopathic) HCPs:
They can be extremely charismatic—but their charm is a cover for their drive to dominate others through lying, stealing, publicly humiliating people, physically injuring them, and—in extreme cases—murdering them. Antisocial HCPs are remorseless and are said to have no conscience.
Paranoid HCPs:
They are deeply suspicious and constantly fear betrayal. Because they imagine conspiracies against them, they will launch preemptive attacks against their Targets of Blame, hoping to harm them first.
Histrionic HCPs:
They can have very dramatic and exciting personalities. They often tell wild and extreme stories (which are sometimes totally false). Over time, they can be very harmful and emotionally draining to those around them, especially their Targets of Blame.
Not everyone with a personality disorder is a high-conflict person, because not all of them attack Targets of Blame. Many just feel helpless, like a victim in life, and don’t blame anyone in particular.
Personality Disorder
Personality disorders are a category of mental disorder described in the mental health field’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Fifth Edition, known as the DSM-5. The DSM-5 lists ten different personality disorders, all of which seem to share three key characteristics.
Interpersonal dysfunction:
The person causes repeated problems in their relationships, usually by attacking others, withdrawing from others, exacting revenge, or expressing extreme anger.
Lack of social self-awareness:
The person is oblivious to how they create many of their own problems with other people. They can’t see their part in the problem or how they create most of their own problems.
Lack of change:
The person rarely changes what they do, no matter how much trouble it causes others or themselves. They sabotage themselves all the time. They’re stuck. Instead, they defend their actions and get angry at those who want them to change.
Recognizing Patterns
PEOPLE WITH HIGH-CONFLICT personalities are surprisingly predictable, once you know the warning signs. Since they can become so dangerous, this basic knowledge is becoming more and more essential for everyone, and it’s not complicated. It’s all about recognizing patterns.
Predictability
HCPs have a narrower pattern of thinking, feeling, and behaving than most people. This means that HCPs act the same way, over and over again, in many different situations with many different people. This high-conflict pattern makes their behavior more predictable than that of the average person, and makes it easier to identify someone as a possible HCP.
The four primary characteristics of high-conflict behavior patterns:
Lots of all-or-nothing thinking
HCPs tend to see conflicts in terms of one simple solution (i.e., everyone doing exactly what the HCP wants). They don’t—and perhaps can’t—analyze the situation, hear different points of view, and consider several possible solutions. Compromise and flexibility seem impossible for them.
Intense or unmanaged emotions
HCPs tend to become very emotional about their points of view. They often catch everyone else by surprise with their sudden and intense fear, sadness, yelling, or disrespect. Their responses can be way out of proportion to whatever is happening or being discussed, and they often seem unable to control their own emotions. Later, they may regret their outburst—or, sometimes, defend it as totally appropriate, and demand that you feel the same way.
Extreme behavior or threats
HCPs frequently engage in extreme negative behavior. This might include shoving or hitting someone; spreading rumors and outright lies about them; trying to have obsessive contact with them and tracking their every move; or refusing to have any contact with them at all, even though the person may be depending on the HCP for a response.
A preoccupation with blaming others—their Targets of Blame
The single most common—and most obvious—HCP trait is how frequently and intensely they blame other people, especially people close to them and people who seem to be in positions of authority over them. The HCP attacks, blames, and finds fault with everything their Target of Blame does. At the same time, HCPs see themselves as blameless and free of all responsibility for the problem.
The 90 Percent Rule
Many high-conflict people do things that 90 percent of people would never do.
When you see something extremely negative, ask yourself: Would 90 percent of people ever do this? If the answer is no, you are almost always watching a high-conflict personality in action.
Personality Awareness.
Avoiding and deflecting high-conflict behavior is like avoiding illness. You can protect yourself from becoming someone’s Target of Blame by vaccinating yourself with knowledge of the personality patterns of high-conflict people.
“You need to have personality awareness to protect yourself from and deal with potentially high-conflict people on a regular basis without getting hooked by them.“
The WEB MethodSM
There’s an easy way to remember how to evaluate someone for HCP traits – WEB MethodSM.
Observe the person’s words, your own emotions about them, and the person’s behavior. Words (W) plus emotions (E) plus behavior (B) = WEB.
Words: Do the person’s words fit the high-conflict pattern?
Emotions: What do you feel around this person? When you’re around them, or think about being around them.
Behavior: Has the person behaved in an extreme way?
Beware of excuses that justify extreme behavior or words because of stress or tiredness or unusual circumstances. Set aside any excuses and apply the 90 Percent Rule.
The CARS MethodSM
Connect with empathy, attention, and respect
Analyze alternatives or options
Respond to misinformation or hostility
Set limits on high-conflict behavior
Don’t naively get into a relationship with them because you believe you can change their personality or that you will “set them straight.” Forget about it!
EAR Statement – Empathy, Attention, and Respect
“I can see this is a frustrating situation. [Empathy] Tell me more—I want to understand what’s happening from your point of view. [Attention] I have a lot of respect for your efforts to resolve this problem. [Respect]”
“Staying in the relationship, no matter how much you try to manage it and set limits, may ultimately be incredibly draining for you. Often the best thing to do is end the relationship quickly and move on.”
Negative advocates (Flying Monkeys)
Negative advocates are often family members, close friends, or professionals (such as counselors, clergy, lawyers, etc.), who think they’re just being supportive of the HCP.
In many ways, negative advocates are like enablers or codependents of an alcoholic or drug addict. By siding with the HCP and attempting to help with their perceived struggles, they enable the HCP to remain stuck in his or her dysfunctional behavior, emotions, and thoughts by reinforcing them. This reinforcement of their extreme feelings often encourages the HCP to become more aggressive in their negative behavior, which often ends up hurting the HCP in the long run, as more people become involved and eventually turn against the HCP.
Getting Help
Who should you talk to? Who will understand what you’re talking about? People who understand bullies (counselors, lawyers, police, and others), both in the workplace or in domestic violence situations, are often great sources of support because the same kind of aggression is a common pattern of many high-conflict personalities. While these people may not be familiar with the concept of high-conflict personalities or personality disorders, they usually are familiar with some of the things to do when facing an abuser or constant liar, and may be able to offer advice.
THE THREE 3’S: 3 Theories, 3 Patterns, 3 Examples of Each
In general, don’t waste your time and emotional energy in trying to convince those who don’t want to understand your situation or who blame you for your circumstances. It’s not your fault, and it can quickly become exhausting and detrimental to you to attempt to bring them around. Many people lack personality awareness, may find it hard to understand your side, or may have a high-conflict personality of their own. Try not to take their lack of support personally. Instead, put your energy into finding people who do listen and understand.
Media Influence
Our culture is teaching the behaviors of personality disorders through the intensive media exposure of the past twenty years. Since the 1990s, cable TV and the Internet (and the loss of print media) have escalated the emotional aspect of 24/7 news and increasingly extreme dramas, which emphasize bad behavior rather than good in order to get your attention. While this is entertaining for adults, it’s social training for children. If you were to suddenly land on Earth and watch our 24/7 programming, you would believe that the world was at war everywhere—even though it is more at peace than at any other time in recorded history.
The Five Types of Patterns
What happens to the different HCPs because of their lack of self-awareness.
Borderline HCPs’ worst fear: being abandoned.
Their pattern of mood swings, intensity, sudden anger, and manipulation causes people to become angry with them and want to abandon them.
Narcissistic HCPs’ worst fear: being disrespected and seen as inferior.
Their pattern of arrogance, insults, entitlement, and demanding admiration causes people to see them as inferior and want to insult them back.
Antisocial HCPs’ worst fear: being dominated by others.
Their pattern of dominating others emotionally, financially, physically and by any other means necessary causes people to want them locked up and dominated by the authorities.
Paranoid HCPs’ worst fear: being betrayed by those close to them.
Their pattern of acting suspiciously, holding grudges and accusing others of being involved in conspiracies against them causes people to whisper about them to others and to turn away from them (“betray” them) after a build-up of frustration with them.
Histrionic HCPs’ worst fear: being ignored.
Their pattern of endless dramatic intensity burns out those around them, who soon try to ignore their stories and eventually can’t wait to get away from them.
June 25, 2018
My first thought when I saw the title of this book is, "only five?" Perhaps I am leaning toward the paranoid HCP personality type. HCP stands for high-conflict personality. We all exhibit some of the behaviors outlined in the book at one time or another depending on the circumstances. The difference is how often we repeat this behavior and to what extreme.
Not all personality types benefit from counseling which was somewhat of a surprise to me. In fact, some will go to counseling looking for tips on how to manipulate people to get what they want.
A warning sign of HCPs is that many seem incapable of introspection. Whatever happens to them, they are quick to blame someone else. Eddy refers to this as the "target of blame."
One of the most interesting sections of the book is about serial killer, Ted Bundy, who used a ruse to lure his victims. Without going into great detail, suffice it to say Bundy preyed on the very thing that makes us human--our compassion--our willingness to help a perfect stranger.
To spot an HCP, Eddy gives you a method to evaluate if this is the type person you are dealing with. WEB=words, emotions and behavior. He also presents the wrong way to respond to high-conflict people and contrasts this with a better approach. (Nothing works in every situation.)
In addition, he gives you a strategy called CARS in dealing with borderline HCPs. CARS is an acronym for connecting, analyzing, responding, and setting limits. If you are dealing with difficult people in your life, this book is definitely worth reading.
Not all personality types benefit from counseling which was somewhat of a surprise to me. In fact, some will go to counseling looking for tips on how to manipulate people to get what they want.
A warning sign of HCPs is that many seem incapable of introspection. Whatever happens to them, they are quick to blame someone else. Eddy refers to this as the "target of blame."
One of the most interesting sections of the book is about serial killer, Ted Bundy, who used a ruse to lure his victims. Without going into great detail, suffice it to say Bundy preyed on the very thing that makes us human--our compassion--our willingness to help a perfect stranger.
To spot an HCP, Eddy gives you a method to evaluate if this is the type person you are dealing with. WEB=words, emotions and behavior. He also presents the wrong way to respond to high-conflict people and contrasts this with a better approach. (Nothing works in every situation.)
In addition, he gives you a strategy called CARS in dealing with borderline HCPs. CARS is an acronym for connecting, analyzing, responding, and setting limits. If you are dealing with difficult people in your life, this book is definitely worth reading.
June 14, 2023
3.5 - A lot of this book is very useful. It is a great resource for identifying narcissists and learning how to respond to high-conflixt personalities. However, my issue with it is when it comes to its discussion around borderline personality disorder. It does not thoroughly flush out this disorder and creates, in my opinion , a limited viewpoint of those who struggle with it. It does not go into the 9 different symptoms of bpd; it only really explores 3. It also does not discuss "quiet" bpd whatsoever. Overall, this is a useful resource but needs to be paired with additional education.
July 12, 2018
Interesting read if this is a topic you are curious about. If not, it might get a bit repetitive, and then put you to sleep. However it offered clear advice on how to deal with these high conflict patrons... personalities, high conflict personalities.
October 1, 2024
90% rule is everything! So simple yet incredibly effective.
November 8, 2020
TL;DR Part ok points about people with high conflict personalities; part paranoid garbage
The format follows detailing of the different high conflict personalities, an example of an HCP, how to deal with this person if you can't leave their orbit and how to leave. I don't know if I buy Eddy's claims. It thrives on generating a suspicious and fearful attitude toward meeting new people. Even his 90-10 rule - would 90% of people do this suspicious behaviour - seems a bit stretched.
To be clear, I don't disagree that there are people who are constantly seek out conflict and bully their Targets-Of-Blame, people who are often close to them. These people could feasibly make your life difficult. It would be better to keep them at a distance and set boundaries around them so they can't hurt you. But can you really predict they are going to be a serial killer and that you should fear for your safety? Especially since he claims there's a prevalence of these personality types and it's on the rise. What I disliked about this book was his paranoia and how this book is meant to transfer his paranoia onto his readers.
The format follows detailing of the different high conflict personalities, an example of an HCP, how to deal with this person if you can't leave their orbit and how to leave. I don't know if I buy Eddy's claims. It thrives on generating a suspicious and fearful attitude toward meeting new people. Even his 90-10 rule - would 90% of people do this suspicious behaviour - seems a bit stretched.
To be clear, I don't disagree that there are people who are constantly seek out conflict and bully their Targets-Of-Blame, people who are often close to them. These people could feasibly make your life difficult. It would be better to keep them at a distance and set boundaries around them so they can't hurt you. But can you really predict they are going to be a serial killer and that you should fear for your safety? Especially since he claims there's a prevalence of these personality types and it's on the rise. What I disliked about this book was his paranoia and how this book is meant to transfer his paranoia onto his readers.
April 14, 2021
Call it what it is, emotional immaturity. Do NOT demonize and throw people with extreme symptoms under the bus like this.
Yes accountability needs to be held, but personality disorders are often a result of long term and severe trauma that alter a personality ( the brain). Lacking free/affordable access to medication and therapy will make this impossible to control said disorders, so for free health care to be in the equation is essential.
I do not believe in people being allowed to harm others or “hiding” behind a disorder, but with a literal altercation in the brain due to severities it cannot be talked about as if were talking about emotional maturity. Lack of empathy is a serious issue and although harmful to each party involved, it isn’t black and white.
Also as an adult you need to realize that your life is in your own hands. Don’t blame it on someone else’s disorder.
Yes accountability needs to be held, but personality disorders are often a result of long term and severe trauma that alter a personality ( the brain). Lacking free/affordable access to medication and therapy will make this impossible to control said disorders, so for free health care to be in the equation is essential.
I do not believe in people being allowed to harm others or “hiding” behind a disorder, but with a literal altercation in the brain due to severities it cannot be talked about as if were talking about emotional maturity. Lack of empathy is a serious issue and although harmful to each party involved, it isn’t black and white.
Also as an adult you need to realize that your life is in your own hands. Don’t blame it on someone else’s disorder.
February 19, 2022
I felt this book offered a decent introduction to high-conflict personalities and how to spot them in people, but I was pretty put off at the language used to describe them. The author repeatedly mentions that HCPs are everywhere and also SOME OF THEM MAY KILL YOU. Which, ok sure, but probably not the most productive way to try to understand people with these personalities.
April 29, 2018
An excellent and highly researched book on personality disorders, with very clear cut examples. Great read.
September 24, 2023
Doing research on the author they are originally a lawyer, and later a LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker). Which means that while they can diagnose people with a disorder/illness using the DSM and therapy, unlike a psychologist or psychiatrist they don't actually attempt to help people with such disorders or illnesses to get better from them, as is evidenced in this book with its almost complete lack of compassion or information toward such people.
Furthermore, any therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist or anyone attempting to diagnose, work with, or speak about, a person with a disorder/illness or speak about those topics, should they themselves be required to be analyzed and diagnosed by at least two unbiased peers without any conflicts of interest in those fields every year (one or the other every six months), and that information made completely available to any potential patient, client, or reader.
Without such transparency, the "professional" is potentially a danger to such vulnerable people and society.
As there are many unscrupulous people in these fields and speaking about these topics, even the author and book admits to as much so this fact cannot be denied if you are taking this book seriously.
Such people can ruin their patients/clients lives or manipulate them with tactics as those in "dark psychology", to believe or do things that are not in the best interests of the patient/client.
The opening examples try to over simplify human interactions as a way to express the authors coined term of "HCP's", what HCP's are like, and how to identify them. However, the book/author also attempts to fear-monger" by claiming that "without this book and knowledge of managing HCP's they WILL KILL YOU!!!"
A claim made MULTIPLE TIMES, which is a red flag to me.
The very first example story (which is brought up later in the book) makes no mention of the fact the woman in the example was actively attempting to find someone to manipulate into giving her a job. Yet, it's the male who establishes boundaries and says he is not interested in that and only interested in a physical relationship, is the one who ends up being the problem person. As apparently years later was found to have committed sexual assault against several women. However, this does not negate the fact that the female in the example is clearly displaying negative personality traits and actively seeks out people to manipulate, but he was worse, so her behaviour is excused. Even though the author says HCP's use all or nothing, with me or against me thinking and behaviour, there is no grey areas or blame to multiple parties when it comes to interactions with HCP's, it's all black and white, HCP's are bad and everyone they interact with are victims.
"Only a Sith deals in absolutes." - A Jedi using an absolute.
At one point the author says to monitor and log an HCP's behaviour. However in general that is not psychologically healthy, nor is it a good idea for one of the supposed 5 types of HCP/personality disorders presented within, the suspicious or paranoid type, and would actually be evidence for justification for their beliefs and behaviour.
While the description and later in the book claims that there are ways for HCP's to change, it also says to NEVER tell someone they are an HCP or have a personality disorder. However, if an HCP lacks social self-awareness and so doesn't think they have a problem and no one ever tells them, then HOW could they EVER possibly know that they need to change by refining their personality and how could they go about doing that without any accessible information and help to do so?
The author says that the fact that they are limited in their self-awareness is why they are HCP's and so lack the skills to recognize their own behaviour or gain any self awareness.
So again, they have no way they could ever figure it out for themselves, and no one is EVER supposed to tell them.
Then the HCP's are being trapped in a box of self perpetuating self destructive behaviour with no possible escape from it by their own recognition, and apparently it just gets worse and harder to escape from over time with their personality disorder getting worse every time they go through the same cycle of behaviour, and again with absolutely no help from others to escape either.
For 95% of the book the author has only stigmatized and bashed on his so called HCP's and those with personality disorders.
While other reviews and comments attempt to engage in apologetics and advocate for the author claiming "he said that it is not these peoples' fault that they have these conditions because it is from trauma and treatment they received during their life, they never asked to be that way."
Which sure, true enough he does say that a couple or several times during the book.
However, this is akin to a Nazi saying "it's not these Jews' fault they are Jews, they were born that way and they didn't ask to be Jews." As the Nazi continues to attack, experiment on, and murder Jews relentlessly.
The author's words come across as hollow and as just an attempt to vindicate them against claims of stigmatizing and attacking these people, and to alleviate the author's self guilt for the other 95% of their words.
The only things that I can recall that would be useful to HCP's or those with behaviour disorders is the mention of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), Dialectic Behaviour Therapy (DBT), somatic therapy, and to be more "socially self aware", which most already know or could learn from a quick search on google, rather than spending/wasting money and hours of time on this book.
Additionally, the author does say where HCP's are useful to society as they are, in wartime.
Proving that while they may cause problems in society today, that during times of war (most of human history up until now) these were DESIRABLE personalities and traits. Without this 10%, the remaining 90% of sheeple would not be here and would not survive any future conflict or war.
However, this all also comes across as the author saying the old adage "men of war do not belong in times of peace" and so the advice is basically "go find a war to excel or die in and spare the rest of normal people from you and the problems you create."
In response this author then needs to be told "You're welcome." Since the truth is that HCP's are the reason that this author gets to posit his little HCP theory and write books like this one toward such people with personality disorders. Since without them, he wouldn't have the freedom to do it, and additionaly without them existing at all he wouldn't be able to base his life's work, fame, and income on them.
"You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives! You don't want the truth, because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall. We use words like "honor", "code", "loyalty". We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline! I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then QUESTIONS the manner in which I provide it! I would rather you just said "thank you", and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a DAMN what you think you are entitled to!"
Furthermore, any therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist or anyone attempting to diagnose, work with, or speak about, a person with a disorder/illness or speak about those topics, should they themselves be required to be analyzed and diagnosed by at least two unbiased peers without any conflicts of interest in those fields every year (one or the other every six months), and that information made completely available to any potential patient, client, or reader.
Without such transparency, the "professional" is potentially a danger to such vulnerable people and society.
As there are many unscrupulous people in these fields and speaking about these topics, even the author and book admits to as much so this fact cannot be denied if you are taking this book seriously.
Such people can ruin their patients/clients lives or manipulate them with tactics as those in "dark psychology", to believe or do things that are not in the best interests of the patient/client.
The opening examples try to over simplify human interactions as a way to express the authors coined term of "HCP's", what HCP's are like, and how to identify them. However, the book/author also attempts to fear-monger" by claiming that "without this book and knowledge of managing HCP's they WILL KILL YOU!!!"
A claim made MULTIPLE TIMES, which is a red flag to me.
The very first example story (which is brought up later in the book) makes no mention of the fact the woman in the example was actively attempting to find someone to manipulate into giving her a job. Yet, it's the male who establishes boundaries and says he is not interested in that and only interested in a physical relationship, is the one who ends up being the problem person. As apparently years later was found to have committed sexual assault against several women. However, this does not negate the fact that the female in the example is clearly displaying negative personality traits and actively seeks out people to manipulate, but he was worse, so her behaviour is excused. Even though the author says HCP's use all or nothing, with me or against me thinking and behaviour, there is no grey areas or blame to multiple parties when it comes to interactions with HCP's, it's all black and white, HCP's are bad and everyone they interact with are victims.
"Only a Sith deals in absolutes." - A Jedi using an absolute.
At one point the author says to monitor and log an HCP's behaviour. However in general that is not psychologically healthy, nor is it a good idea for one of the supposed 5 types of HCP/personality disorders presented within, the suspicious or paranoid type, and would actually be evidence for justification for their beliefs and behaviour.
While the description and later in the book claims that there are ways for HCP's to change, it also says to NEVER tell someone they are an HCP or have a personality disorder. However, if an HCP lacks social self-awareness and so doesn't think they have a problem and no one ever tells them, then HOW could they EVER possibly know that they need to change by refining their personality and how could they go about doing that without any accessible information and help to do so?
The author says that the fact that they are limited in their self-awareness is why they are HCP's and so lack the skills to recognize their own behaviour or gain any self awareness.
So again, they have no way they could ever figure it out for themselves, and no one is EVER supposed to tell them.
Then the HCP's are being trapped in a box of self perpetuating self destructive behaviour with no possible escape from it by their own recognition, and apparently it just gets worse and harder to escape from over time with their personality disorder getting worse every time they go through the same cycle of behaviour, and again with absolutely no help from others to escape either.
For 95% of the book the author has only stigmatized and bashed on his so called HCP's and those with personality disorders.
While other reviews and comments attempt to engage in apologetics and advocate for the author claiming "he said that it is not these peoples' fault that they have these conditions because it is from trauma and treatment they received during their life, they never asked to be that way."
Which sure, true enough he does say that a couple or several times during the book.
However, this is akin to a Nazi saying "it's not these Jews' fault they are Jews, they were born that way and they didn't ask to be Jews." As the Nazi continues to attack, experiment on, and murder Jews relentlessly.
The author's words come across as hollow and as just an attempt to vindicate them against claims of stigmatizing and attacking these people, and to alleviate the author's self guilt for the other 95% of their words.
The only things that I can recall that would be useful to HCP's or those with behaviour disorders is the mention of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), Dialectic Behaviour Therapy (DBT), somatic therapy, and to be more "socially self aware", which most already know or could learn from a quick search on google, rather than spending/wasting money and hours of time on this book.
Additionally, the author does say where HCP's are useful to society as they are, in wartime.
Proving that while they may cause problems in society today, that during times of war (most of human history up until now) these were DESIRABLE personalities and traits. Without this 10%, the remaining 90% of sheeple would not be here and would not survive any future conflict or war.
However, this all also comes across as the author saying the old adage "men of war do not belong in times of peace" and so the advice is basically "go find a war to excel or die in and spare the rest of normal people from you and the problems you create."
In response this author then needs to be told "You're welcome." Since the truth is that HCP's are the reason that this author gets to posit his little HCP theory and write books like this one toward such people with personality disorders. Since without them, he wouldn't have the freedom to do it, and additionaly without them existing at all he wouldn't be able to base his life's work, fame, and income on them.
"You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives! You don't want the truth, because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall. We use words like "honor", "code", "loyalty". We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline! I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then QUESTIONS the manner in which I provide it! I would rather you just said "thank you", and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a DAMN what you think you are entitled to!"
August 17, 2018
Eye-opening. I learnt a lot reading this book; particularly about how to identify high-conflict personalities. But also the author includes some practical and realistic ways to manage interactions with people who have this disorder.
January 21, 2020
I read this book while wanting to know more about different 'dangerous' personalities.
Key things I learned:
1- the one key-word about spotting a dangerous behaviors is self-awareness.
If you're self-aware that you're doing something wrong that's a very good indicator that you are not malicious or dangerous. Because being self-aware means you point out what's wrong with your behaviors and work on it to make yourself a better person.
Some people however won't be self-aware (including maybe yourself, keep an open mind). This is to be seen as a huge red flag and if you're that person maybe it's time to seek therapy.
2- You at any point might have experienced these people or has been one.
AND THAT'S OK. Reading this book was an eye opener because many of the profiles matches with previous partners, bosses, current friendships and daily interactions. It's absolutely scary, but remember that self-awareness is key!
Ok so that's out of the table; I want to share with those who did not read this book yet; what are the red flags; signs to be alerted about. Make sure you see these signs as A PATTERN and not a single time. Don't be judgey :)
Key things I learned:
1- the one key-word about spotting a dangerous behaviors is self-awareness.
If you're self-aware that you're doing something wrong that's a very good indicator that you are not malicious or dangerous. Because being self-aware means you point out what's wrong with your behaviors and work on it to make yourself a better person.
Some people however won't be self-aware (including maybe yourself, keep an open mind). This is to be seen as a huge red flag and if you're that person maybe it's time to seek therapy.
2- You at any point might have experienced these people or has been one.
AND THAT'S OK. Reading this book was an eye opener because many of the profiles matches with previous partners, bosses, current friendships and daily interactions. It's absolutely scary, but remember that self-awareness is key!
Ok so that's out of the table; I want to share with those who did not read this book yet; what are the red flags; signs to be alerted about. Make sure you see these signs as A PATTERN and not a single time. Don't be judgey :)
June 7, 2022
Mildly interesting, occasionally informative. Strategies for dealing with various High Conflict people--some of them dangerous, others simply annoying.
IN SHORT: Would 90% of people behave like THAT person is behaving? If not... you better start paying attention. Or running like hell.
Also: psycopathy is relatively rare--but not as rare as you might think.
Got a bit repetitive, but worth reading if you are interested in the spectrum of "bad" (or at least less common) personalities out there.
VERDICT: ~3 flat stars for me, but I also understand why others would give it 2 or 4 stars.
Also consider:
1. The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout -- which gets very mixed reviews.
2. The Psychopath Test: A Journey Through the Madness Industry by Jon Ronson
3. Sane New World: Taming The Mind by Ruby Wax
IN SHORT: Would 90% of people behave like THAT person is behaving? If not... you better start paying attention. Or running like hell.
Also: psycopathy is relatively rare--but not as rare as you might think.
Got a bit repetitive, but worth reading if you are interested in the spectrum of "bad" (or at least less common) personalities out there.
VERDICT: ~3 flat stars for me, but I also understand why others would give it 2 or 4 stars.
Also consider:
1. The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout -- which gets very mixed reviews.
2. The Psychopath Test: A Journey Through the Madness Industry by Jon Ronson
3. Sane New World: Taming The Mind by Ruby Wax
December 9, 2018
Lawyers are great at helping you realise there is someone else responsible for all your problems. Meanwhile there is another lawyer saying the exact same thing to that someone else. That's the problem with a self development book written by a lawyer. The book is all about helping you understand that high conflict personalities (HCP) are responsible for all your woes.
If the book really resonates with you, then you may well fail to realise that you are probably one of the people ruining some other persons life.
The book has some entertaining bits, and it is nice to think that the author realise does empathize with your plight. If not taken to seriously it is at times a fun read. Be wary however of any author who without ever having met you seems to know about all the self centered fools ruining your life.
The book is cheep self help porn- it will resonate with those who are good at blaming others.
If the book really resonates with you, then you may well fail to realise that you are probably one of the people ruining some other persons life.
The book has some entertaining bits, and it is nice to think that the author realise does empathize with your plight. If not taken to seriously it is at times a fun read. Be wary however of any author who without ever having met you seems to know about all the self centered fools ruining your life.
The book is cheep self help porn- it will resonate with those who are good at blaming others.
January 8, 2019
When I read this, I realized that it describes Donald Trump to a T, even though he is never mentioned in the book. It was a quck read and interesting with statistics and examples.
August 29, 2019
So so boring... I can't say I learned anything new except for that this guy really likes his acronyms.
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