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The Tactical Guide to Women: How Men Can Manage Risk in Dating and Marriage
For men, love is a high-stakes gamble. The right woman can be the best part of a man’s life, and the wrong one can lead to personal and financial ruin. In today’s climate, no man should venture into romance without a reliable risk-management strategy.
The Tactical Guide to Women delivers a solid plan for allowing the right women into your life, and keeping the wrong ones at a safe distance.
You’ll discover how to:
• Identify good women of low drama and high character
• Reduce your vulnerability to women who seem perfect for you—but aren’t
• Spot the early warning signs of emotional instability
You’ll also learn:
• Critical techniques for seeing women clearly
• The most common mistakes that lead men into disastrous relationships
• How to reduce the odds of a good relationship going bad
Impeccably researched and backed by the author’s decade of clinical experience, The Tactical Guide to Women provides men with desperately needed, rarely discussed strategies for finding sanity, joy, and companionship. This is not another book about getting laid. This book is about not getting screwed.
The Tactical Guide to Women delivers a solid plan for allowing the right women into your life, and keeping the wrong ones at a safe distance.
You’ll discover how to:
• Identify good women of low drama and high character
• Reduce your vulnerability to women who seem perfect for you—but aren’t
• Spot the early warning signs of emotional instability
You’ll also learn:
• Critical techniques for seeing women clearly
• The most common mistakes that lead men into disastrous relationships
• How to reduce the odds of a good relationship going bad
Impeccably researched and backed by the author’s decade of clinical experience, The Tactical Guide to Women provides men with desperately needed, rarely discussed strategies for finding sanity, joy, and companionship. This is not another book about getting laid. This book is about not getting screwed.
251 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2017
292 people are currently reading
1604 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 84 reviews
January 8, 2019
I got this book because I was curious about how much overlap it would have with the same author's book for women about how to pick good men. Each book has three key traits to look for, and two are clearly the same: emotional maturity and mental health/stability. I was curious if "clarity" (in women) was equivalent to "purpose" (in men), or if they're different concepts.
Although I devoured the book for women about men, this one took a lot longer to get into. The content of the first three chapters is the same, but the tone of the men's version is really off-putting. Every analogy has to be about a truck, he bangs on risk analysis over and over, and there's a lot of stuff about what a horror show you can get into if you choose the wrong woman. Having read the women's version of the same material, this one reads very phony to me, like he's trying to act like some big tough guy but it's all an act.
It was interesting to me as a marketer to see that this presentation is what a guy believes will appeal to guys. Otherwise, I definitely didn't like it. I don't think the book about guys went on and on about all the bad guys out there--in fact, I seem to recall it being really insistent that there are tons of good guys out there. I guess the author had to make the case about all the bad women in order to get guys to buy the book at all?
Anyway, the first three chapters are the same content as the one for women: figuring out your own shit first. Then it gets into the interesting part.
As it turns out, "clarity" in women is not analogous to "purpose" in men. I guess since women don't have to do anything to earn or maintain our status as women, we had a free spot in the top three must-have characteristics, so he filled in communication skills here, because that's what he means by clarity. He breaks it into three parts:
- reliability, which he defines as reliably being able to communicate well even in stressful situations, not the normal definition of being a person of your word, someone people can count on, etc. This criterion basically boils down to not turning into a psycho when you're upset, but rather still being able to communicate normally.
- inquisitiveness, specifically wanting to know what's going on with the guy and why he does what he does, and starting with an assumption that he's a good person with good reasons for doing what he does.
- assertiveness, more specifically being direct, asking for what you want, being specific, and addressing things that bother you. Not being passive-aggressive or putting up with stuff while getting more and more resentful about it.
The second major characteristic for women is maturity, which I assumed would be about the same as men’s maturity, but it’s actually a little different.
1. Insight, which is basically having enough perspective to realize what an argument is really about instead of doggedly pursuing rabbit holes.
2. Emotional nuance, defined as the ability not to be all black and white about everything. For example, being able to be angry at someone while still loving him and remembering that he’s a good person overall.
3. Resilience (the usual meaning)
4. Internalization, defined as owning responsibility for your own life rather than blaming everyone else for everything
5. Self-maintenance (the usual self-care stuff, keeping your life in order)
The third characteristic is stability, defined as sound mental health. I was happy to see that the author isn’t saying “never date anyone who has experienced depression.” He’s actually more accepting of mental illness in women than man, at least in my perception, pointing out that untreated mental illness and/or addiction is a deal-breaker, but someone who is conscious, getting treatment, and working through their issues can stronger and wiser than someone who never had the issues in the first place. I agree.
Another point I found interesting: in the women’s book, he’s not very concrete in his recommendation about how long to wait before committing to a man and mingling lives. In this book, he’s pretty clear: a year after the honeymoon phase (12-18 months) wears off, so 2 to 2.5 years altogether.
Like the women’s book, this book has a checklist. It’s just not advertised as clearly, and it’s only 9 questions.
1. Are her coping skills reliable?
2. Is she inquisitive?
3. Is she assertive?
4. Is she resilient?
5. Is she accepting?
6. Is she good to you?
7. Does she understand her history?
8. Is she addicted?
9. Does she internalize responsibility?
Having read the author’s definitions of these terms, I’m pleased to report that I pass the checklist. I was really thinking he’d be throwing me out for not being the usual definition of assertive (as opposed to the author’s definition, which is basically just saying stuff openly and frankly in the relationship) or for a history of depression and anxiety. Woot! Ok, men of the world, please read this book!
I’m really intrigued by this, because the women’s checklist for evaluating men is much more stringent. I literally don’t know anyone who would get 100% on the women’s checklist for men. This one is much more gentle.
...
Now that I’ve finished this book, I have to say I’m really glad I read it. I got to one of the questions in the checklist, and in the explanation, it was like, “is she considerate? Does she bring you little gifts sometimes or do nice things for you? Does she show that she cares? That’s the kind of woman you want!” Well, that’s the kind of woman I am. I was beginning to think something was wrong with me because I didn’t make things hard enough for the guy or something—he’ll never appreciate you if he doesn’t have to chase you, all that kind of thing women tell each other. I can’t stand doing that stuff, and I thought that meant I was defective or doomed or something. But actually, whole book is telling men to look for someone like me. <3 <3 <3
notes
p. 119
Men are more likely to manifest depression as substance abuse, avoidance, irritability, and agitation. If the guy is acting like a grumpy jerk, that’s how most guys do depression.
P. 138
“Setting aside the vast differences in ambitions amongst men, a fundamental objective in romance is to find someone e can rust. I haven’t met anyone whose goal is to find the person who will tear down everything they’ve worked for or destroy their hopes and dreams.”
At first, I was feeling defensive about how much this book goes on and on about the risk of bad women, but this sentence just made me laugh.
Although I devoured the book for women about men, this one took a lot longer to get into. The content of the first three chapters is the same, but the tone of the men's version is really off-putting. Every analogy has to be about a truck, he bangs on risk analysis over and over, and there's a lot of stuff about what a horror show you can get into if you choose the wrong woman. Having read the women's version of the same material, this one reads very phony to me, like he's trying to act like some big tough guy but it's all an act.
It was interesting to me as a marketer to see that this presentation is what a guy believes will appeal to guys. Otherwise, I definitely didn't like it. I don't think the book about guys went on and on about all the bad guys out there--in fact, I seem to recall it being really insistent that there are tons of good guys out there. I guess the author had to make the case about all the bad women in order to get guys to buy the book at all?
Anyway, the first three chapters are the same content as the one for women: figuring out your own shit first. Then it gets into the interesting part.
As it turns out, "clarity" in women is not analogous to "purpose" in men. I guess since women don't have to do anything to earn or maintain our status as women, we had a free spot in the top three must-have characteristics, so he filled in communication skills here, because that's what he means by clarity. He breaks it into three parts:
- reliability, which he defines as reliably being able to communicate well even in stressful situations, not the normal definition of being a person of your word, someone people can count on, etc. This criterion basically boils down to not turning into a psycho when you're upset, but rather still being able to communicate normally.
- inquisitiveness, specifically wanting to know what's going on with the guy and why he does what he does, and starting with an assumption that he's a good person with good reasons for doing what he does.
- assertiveness, more specifically being direct, asking for what you want, being specific, and addressing things that bother you. Not being passive-aggressive or putting up with stuff while getting more and more resentful about it.
The second major characteristic for women is maturity, which I assumed would be about the same as men’s maturity, but it’s actually a little different.
1. Insight, which is basically having enough perspective to realize what an argument is really about instead of doggedly pursuing rabbit holes.
2. Emotional nuance, defined as the ability not to be all black and white about everything. For example, being able to be angry at someone while still loving him and remembering that he’s a good person overall.
3. Resilience (the usual meaning)
4. Internalization, defined as owning responsibility for your own life rather than blaming everyone else for everything
5. Self-maintenance (the usual self-care stuff, keeping your life in order)
The third characteristic is stability, defined as sound mental health. I was happy to see that the author isn’t saying “never date anyone who has experienced depression.” He’s actually more accepting of mental illness in women than man, at least in my perception, pointing out that untreated mental illness and/or addiction is a deal-breaker, but someone who is conscious, getting treatment, and working through their issues can stronger and wiser than someone who never had the issues in the first place. I agree.
Another point I found interesting: in the women’s book, he’s not very concrete in his recommendation about how long to wait before committing to a man and mingling lives. In this book, he’s pretty clear: a year after the honeymoon phase (12-18 months) wears off, so 2 to 2.5 years altogether.
Like the women’s book, this book has a checklist. It’s just not advertised as clearly, and it’s only 9 questions.
1. Are her coping skills reliable?
2. Is she inquisitive?
3. Is she assertive?
4. Is she resilient?
5. Is she accepting?
6. Is she good to you?
7. Does she understand her history?
8. Is she addicted?
9. Does she internalize responsibility?
Having read the author’s definitions of these terms, I’m pleased to report that I pass the checklist. I was really thinking he’d be throwing me out for not being the usual definition of assertive (as opposed to the author’s definition, which is basically just saying stuff openly and frankly in the relationship) or for a history of depression and anxiety. Woot! Ok, men of the world, please read this book!
I’m really intrigued by this, because the women’s checklist for evaluating men is much more stringent. I literally don’t know anyone who would get 100% on the women’s checklist for men. This one is much more gentle.
...
Now that I’ve finished this book, I have to say I’m really glad I read it. I got to one of the questions in the checklist, and in the explanation, it was like, “is she considerate? Does she bring you little gifts sometimes or do nice things for you? Does she show that she cares? That’s the kind of woman you want!” Well, that’s the kind of woman I am. I was beginning to think something was wrong with me because I didn’t make things hard enough for the guy or something—he’ll never appreciate you if he doesn’t have to chase you, all that kind of thing women tell each other. I can’t stand doing that stuff, and I thought that meant I was defective or doomed or something. But actually, whole book is telling men to look for someone like me. <3 <3 <3
notes
p. 119
Men are more likely to manifest depression as substance abuse, avoidance, irritability, and agitation. If the guy is acting like a grumpy jerk, that’s how most guys do depression.
P. 138
“Setting aside the vast differences in ambitions amongst men, a fundamental objective in romance is to find someone e can rust. I haven’t met anyone whose goal is to find the person who will tear down everything they’ve worked for or destroy their hopes and dreams.”
At first, I was feeling defensive about how much this book goes on and on about the risk of bad women, but this sentence just made me laugh.
June 22, 2019
Women, read this book. Then read the book written for women by the same author. I plan to. If the man in your life is trying to be a better man for you show him your appreciation by becoming a better woman for him. Great insight into who we are as women, real and honest. Everyone has room for improvement.
February 8, 2025
Huh, will this be an empty Andrew-tait bait?
"Women don't exist to make you miserable. Be mature."
So, it's a book for men serious about finding a good partner. Smith talks no nonsense, to the point, balanced, and honest. The girlfriend has been dropping hints and it's only reasonable to try and do some research.
1. The first part serves to help men understand themselves. A lot of your core beliefs influence how you deal with relationships, they kept you alive at the time but can end up short-sighted for the time they worked. (Looks at being poor, and how it strains a relationship. How you shouldn't try something if you're desperate. Even if its to cut rent in half it can add more trauma and problems than it solves.)
2. The second part is about understanding good women and avoiding bad ones. ("Happy Wife Happy Life" is an unhealthy attitude of treating your partner like live explosives.)
3. The third part is focused on common mistakes and risk mitigation, including legal ones such as prenups.
4/5
Despite the title, I was pleasantly surprised.
The book is structured logically, moving from figuring yourself out (this will help you filter out incompatible women), figuring out the key things to look for (looking for the right women) and caps with an extended look at major risk management.
It's practical, and actually rather reasonable. For me, there’s a certain heart missing here in the discussion around marriage.
"Women don't exist to make you miserable. Be mature."
So, it's a book for men serious about finding a good partner. Smith talks no nonsense, to the point, balanced, and honest. The girlfriend has been dropping hints and it's only reasonable to try and do some research.
1. The first part serves to help men understand themselves. A lot of your core beliefs influence how you deal with relationships, they kept you alive at the time but can end up short-sighted for the time they worked. (Looks at being poor, and how it strains a relationship. How you shouldn't try something if you're desperate. Even if its to cut rent in half it can add more trauma and problems than it solves.)
2. The second part is about understanding good women and avoiding bad ones. ("Happy Wife Happy Life" is an unhealthy attitude of treating your partner like live explosives.)
3. The third part is focused on common mistakes and risk mitigation, including legal ones such as prenups.
4/5
Despite the title, I was pleasantly surprised.
The book is structured logically, moving from figuring yourself out (this will help you filter out incompatible women), figuring out the key things to look for (looking for the right women) and caps with an extended look at major risk management.
It's practical, and actually rather reasonable. For me, there’s a certain heart missing here in the discussion around marriage.
January 8, 2018
This book offers a well-researched guide to relationships from a male perspective. The author states that humans can be defined by a set of core beliefs which are formed from conclusions born out from survival logic. These core beliefs are often reflected involuntary through our behavior mostly but can also be identified by ourselves if we make the effort. Apparently, shared beliefs are a very important indicator for compatibility. What a surprise? (sarcasm).
The women who are good partners, according to Shawn, are women who have clear intentions (clarity), who are mature and independent(maturity) and have emotional stability. Also, qualities of successful couples are:
- finding similar activities meaningful,
- sharing similar preferences for excitement or calmness,
- being on same page emotionally regarding their experiences,
- supporting each other in the individual endeavors,
- have similar desire for emotional closeness,
- are confident enough in their shared values to tolerate their differences.
The author gives tips and guides to identify positive and negative behaviors and personality traits. I enjoyed reading the book.
The women who are good partners, according to Shawn, are women who have clear intentions (clarity), who are mature and independent(maturity) and have emotional stability. Also, qualities of successful couples are:
- finding similar activities meaningful,
- sharing similar preferences for excitement or calmness,
- being on same page emotionally regarding their experiences,
- supporting each other in the individual endeavors,
- have similar desire for emotional closeness,
- are confident enough in their shared values to tolerate their differences.
The author gives tips and guides to identify positive and negative behaviors and personality traits. I enjoyed reading the book.
April 6, 2022
Surprisingly engaging book with good info geared towards men on what to look for when choosing a mate.
A must read for men who overly romanticize marriage or relationship with opposite sex. A relationship can be a both way ride. Uphill or downhill, depends on how wise or blinded we are in choosing a right person. Many factors comes to play in this regard and most unaware men often fantasize about the physical aspects of women rather than a long term view of a much bigger picture. These "Happily ever afters" are not true. Most of the time. Work is needed to be done before and after choosing a partner (and this goes for both men and women) to have peaceful and happy marriages.
A must read for men who overly romanticize marriage or relationship with opposite sex. A relationship can be a both way ride. Uphill or downhill, depends on how wise or blinded we are in choosing a right person. Many factors comes to play in this regard and most unaware men often fantasize about the physical aspects of women rather than a long term view of a much bigger picture. These "Happily ever afters" are not true. Most of the time. Work is needed to be done before and after choosing a partner (and this goes for both men and women) to have peaceful and happy marriages.
February 5, 2018
If you're a man, and have any interest in getting into a relationship of any kind, do yourself a favour and read this book.
You won't regret it
You won't regret it
February 23, 2020
Въпреки заглавието си, The Tactical Guide to Women е една практична психологическа книга, която да помогне на сериозния мъж, който търси жена за сериозна връзка.
В "мъжкото интернет пространство" се въртят десетки книги, които си поставят за цел да ни покажат истината за женската психика, да изобличат феминизма, да ни помогнат да сваляме повече и по-красиви жени. Но какво да прави човек, който не иска да обикаля дискотеки и кафета в търсене на поредната свалка (или, както е по-често случаят с читателите на такива книги, в отчаян опит да направят сефтето)?
Повечето хора не избират партньорите си, а просто... някак попадат във връзка. Примерно спиш с някого и хоп вече сте гаджета. Ако сте гаджета достатъчно дълго време, за да ви мързи да търсите някой друг, вземете, че се ожените. И това е то.
Шон Смит, дългогодишен практикуващ клиничен психолог и семеен терапевт обаче има какво да каже по въпроса с нужните положителни и отрицателни качества, за които е добре да се оглеждаме у жената до себе си (или срещу себе си, щото е добре да почнем от първата среща), ако искаме да имаме успешна дългосрочна връзка или брак.
И според него, това оглеждане за тия качества е добре да го правим съвсем целенасочено, за да избегнем както излишни разочарования, така и много драми и нерви в дългосрочен план.
В "мъжкото интернет пространство" се въртят десетки книги, които си поставят за цел да ни покажат истината за женската психика, да изобличат феминизма, да ни помогнат да сваляме повече и по-красиви жени. Но какво да прави човек, който не иска да обикаля дискотеки и кафета в търсене на поредната свалка (или, както е по-често случаят с читателите на такива книги, в отчаян опит да направят сефтето)?
Повечето хора не избират партньорите си, а просто... някак попадат във връзка. Примерно спиш с някого и хоп вече сте гаджета. Ако сте гаджета достатъчно дълго време, за да ви мързи да търсите някой друг, вземете, че се ожените. И това е то.
Шон Смит, дългогодишен практикуващ клиничен психолог и семеен терапевт обаче има какво да каже по въпроса с нужните положителни и отрицателни качества, за които е добре да се оглеждаме у жената до себе си (или срещу себе си, щото е добре да почнем от първата среща), ако искаме да имаме успешна дългосрочна връзка или брак.
И според него, това оглеждане за тия качества е добре да го правим съвсем целенасочено, за да избегнем както излишни разочарования, така и много драми и нерви в дългосрочен план.
May 17, 2021
Although book is targeted for men,however I think irrespective of gender there is quite a lot to learn for both men and women,although certain parts of it scared me so much that thinking of marriage gave me nightmares,as a whole great book ,a cautionary tale of avoiding life shattering pitfalls.
May 12, 2021
I really like this book. It contains very useful tips in relation to how to approach life in the context of intergeneric relationships.
I like the fact that men should pursue their goals in life and not women per se. I like his advice in relation not to play house or cohabitate with a woman who isn’t my wife since due to Common law marriages which means that even if there isn't a marriage license, I could be held legally married to a woman depending on the amount of time spent together as a couple living under the same roof, combined assets acquired during such a time and the impression both individuals give to society who after some time considered them as married.
Something else I really appreciate about the author is the fact he warns us about the danger of making significant decisions during the “honey phase period” since it only after the infatuation phase is over that we can actually appreciate who we’re dealing with. This becomes of significant importance since in the initial stage people tend to display their best behavior in order to impress the other person, but the real person with all her virtues and pitfalls are shown afterward.
Another important fact to consider when searching for a significant other are the shared values. Just as the Holy Scriptures advise “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14). We should be on the look for red flags since the beginning and avoid getting sexually involved during courtship with a woman with whom we do not share moral values and whose purpose in life is diametrically opposed to ours.
Never per bond with a woman who belittles you or disrespects you in any way or form. Do not tolerate such treatment especially in a time when finding somebody else is easier than ever. Keep in mind the Holy Scriptures when it states:
1.- The disciples said, "If that is how it is between a man and a woman, it is better not to get married" (Matthew 19:10).
2.- It is better to live alone in the desert than with a quarrelsome, complaining wife. (Proverbs 21:19).
I like the fact that men should pursue their goals in life and not women per se. I like his advice in relation not to play house or cohabitate with a woman who isn’t my wife since due to Common law marriages which means that even if there isn't a marriage license, I could be held legally married to a woman depending on the amount of time spent together as a couple living under the same roof, combined assets acquired during such a time and the impression both individuals give to society who after some time considered them as married.
Something else I really appreciate about the author is the fact he warns us about the danger of making significant decisions during the “honey phase period” since it only after the infatuation phase is over that we can actually appreciate who we’re dealing with. This becomes of significant importance since in the initial stage people tend to display their best behavior in order to impress the other person, but the real person with all her virtues and pitfalls are shown afterward.
Another important fact to consider when searching for a significant other are the shared values. Just as the Holy Scriptures advise “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14). We should be on the look for red flags since the beginning and avoid getting sexually involved during courtship with a woman with whom we do not share moral values and whose purpose in life is diametrically opposed to ours.
Never per bond with a woman who belittles you or disrespects you in any way or form. Do not tolerate such treatment especially in a time when finding somebody else is easier than ever. Keep in mind the Holy Scriptures when it states:
1.- The disciples said, "If that is how it is between a man and a woman, it is better not to get married" (Matthew 19:10).
2.- It is better to live alone in the desert than with a quarrelsome, complaining wife. (Proverbs 21:19).
March 2, 2020
I added this book sometime ago to my virtual "to read" sometime ago (maybe I heard the author on a podcast). I was not expecting much, but this is a surprisingly good book. The premise of the book is that poor relationship planning can be just as destructive as poor financial planning for an individual. Doing either well leaves one much better off in so many ways (Smith lists the many advantages for men to be involved in a long term marriage). Whilst there are plenty of books about financial planning, Smith states there are not many aimed at men when it comes to choosing the right partner. From what I have seen professionally and personally, I have to agree. I have seen plenty of men whose potential has been destroyed by being in a bad or toxic relationship with a woman. There is great risk in love. Risk requires a management strategy and this is what Shawn T Smith is attempting to provide.
Smith is a clinical psychologist and fills the book with anecdotes from his clinical practice. It is surprisingly well written and argued using contemporary theory that is supported by research and well referenced. He provides practical tools for assessing ones self and the suitability of another to be in a relationship with. Smith makes clear this it is not a hook up or seduction guide, but aims to give the reader strategies to become one of those men who gains all the benefits of a long term relationship. It is unashamedly aimed at men (he wrote a companion book - The Women's Guide to How Men Think, for women).
Smith provides rational thinking strategies for choosing a partner. My relationship with Kerri seems to be turning out OK (so far). I read this through the lens of 'would Kerri and I ended up together if I had been using this book?' Probably "No" - we 'made house' after 3 days of knowing each other, and probably the only reason Kerri didn't throw me out when we were in Brisbane, was I literately had nowhere to go (a number of times). According to Smith I made a number of tactical 'mistakes'. Maybe our relationship was more good luck than good management. I totally followed my emotions, rather than my rational mind. Being locked into a room together (in Brisbane and London) forced us to confront our respective issues and eventually fight in a non-destructive manner. I cannot imagine us working if either of us had an easy escape strategy. It was close, we both had plenty of reasons to leave one another on occasion. I am benefiting from being in a good marriage. Kerri made me a better person.
I thought love is affective, not rational, so it could have been easy to reject the premise of the book. I thought of the Daniel Kahneman strategy of making predictions about what sort of soldier a person would become in the Israeli Defence Force. (Bug bare was Smith referencing Kahneman's ideas and language many times, but never referencing him). Kahneman suggested you collect the psychometric data first and "close your eyes"and imagine what your instinct of the outcome will be for the individual. Using this book would be the equivalent of 'collecting the data', and then closing your eyes and following you heart.
Smith suggests that there is a hierarchy of qualities in a mate. He wants you to identify good women of low drama and high character; reduce your vulnerability to women who seem perfect for you—but aren’t; spot the early warning signs of emotional instability. He outlines: critical techniques for seeing women clearly; the most common mistakes that lead men into disastrous relationships; how to reduce the odds of a good relationship going bad.
I think he does a great job and I would want to share this with my boys before they turn 18. He does not worry about stigmatising mental illness and addiction issues as 'red flags'. He makes a distinction between those seeking and actively engaging in treatment (desirable) and those who are not. He begins with helping one to get to know oneself and what one is seeking from love with a partner (Know Thyself). He cautions about marrying too early or too late (citing research that people who marry between age 30-32 are best able to form a long term relationship, with only 9% of people who marry for the first time at this age end in divorce). He acknowledges the importance of sexual compatibility, and red flags when sex is being used as a behavioral modification tool, rather than an expression of love. He encourages a slow approach to love and sex and differentiates between girlfriend, fiancée, and wife. He warns about being a 'white knight' and making any long term decision whilst within 'the honeymoon phase' (one year after becoming involved).
This is the best book so far of the year and is right up with Judith Rich-Harris (from last year) in its impact on me. I am glad I did not use if for a basis for my relationship with Kerri, but professionally and personally I have seen the cost of toxic relationships on people (they never recover). I hope to find a way to share this work with my boys at the right time. A great book in my opinion for its pragmatism in living a good life.
Smith is a clinical psychologist and fills the book with anecdotes from his clinical practice. It is surprisingly well written and argued using contemporary theory that is supported by research and well referenced. He provides practical tools for assessing ones self and the suitability of another to be in a relationship with. Smith makes clear this it is not a hook up or seduction guide, but aims to give the reader strategies to become one of those men who gains all the benefits of a long term relationship. It is unashamedly aimed at men (he wrote a companion book - The Women's Guide to How Men Think, for women).
Smith provides rational thinking strategies for choosing a partner. My relationship with Kerri seems to be turning out OK (so far). I read this through the lens of 'would Kerri and I ended up together if I had been using this book?' Probably "No" - we 'made house' after 3 days of knowing each other, and probably the only reason Kerri didn't throw me out when we were in Brisbane, was I literately had nowhere to go (a number of times). According to Smith I made a number of tactical 'mistakes'. Maybe our relationship was more good luck than good management. I totally followed my emotions, rather than my rational mind. Being locked into a room together (in Brisbane and London) forced us to confront our respective issues and eventually fight in a non-destructive manner. I cannot imagine us working if either of us had an easy escape strategy. It was close, we both had plenty of reasons to leave one another on occasion. I am benefiting from being in a good marriage. Kerri made me a better person.
I thought love is affective, not rational, so it could have been easy to reject the premise of the book. I thought of the Daniel Kahneman strategy of making predictions about what sort of soldier a person would become in the Israeli Defence Force. (Bug bare was Smith referencing Kahneman's ideas and language many times, but never referencing him). Kahneman suggested you collect the psychometric data first and "close your eyes"and imagine what your instinct of the outcome will be for the individual. Using this book would be the equivalent of 'collecting the data', and then closing your eyes and following you heart.
Smith suggests that there is a hierarchy of qualities in a mate. He wants you to identify good women of low drama and high character; reduce your vulnerability to women who seem perfect for you—but aren’t; spot the early warning signs of emotional instability. He outlines: critical techniques for seeing women clearly; the most common mistakes that lead men into disastrous relationships; how to reduce the odds of a good relationship going bad.
I think he does a great job and I would want to share this with my boys before they turn 18. He does not worry about stigmatising mental illness and addiction issues as 'red flags'. He makes a distinction between those seeking and actively engaging in treatment (desirable) and those who are not. He begins with helping one to get to know oneself and what one is seeking from love with a partner (Know Thyself). He cautions about marrying too early or too late (citing research that people who marry between age 30-32 are best able to form a long term relationship, with only 9% of people who marry for the first time at this age end in divorce). He acknowledges the importance of sexual compatibility, and red flags when sex is being used as a behavioral modification tool, rather than an expression of love. He encourages a slow approach to love and sex and differentiates between girlfriend, fiancée, and wife. He warns about being a 'white knight' and making any long term decision whilst within 'the honeymoon phase' (one year after becoming involved).
This is the best book so far of the year and is right up with Judith Rich-Harris (from last year) in its impact on me. I am glad I did not use if for a basis for my relationship with Kerri, but professionally and personally I have seen the cost of toxic relationships on people (they never recover). I hope to find a way to share this work with my boys at the right time. A great book in my opinion for its pragmatism in living a good life.
July 4, 2020
Very informative and eye opening. The "comedy" within the book is quite dull , but past that very good dialogue.
January 5, 2024
April 2023
Dating and risk management. Two words that aren't usually seen together. Smith, a Psychologist peers into the dating world, and explores ways of how to mitigate the risk of breaking up, or getting divorced.
Smith outlines three key areas you want to look for in a potential partner....
1. emotional maturity
2. emotional stability
3. clarity
Throughout the book, he cites relevant academic sources, rather than just focusing solely on his clinical opinion. Most of the stuff he talked about I had heard before, but I thought it was great to hear specifically from his experience as a clinician. It felt more like sitting in a therapy session, and his understanding of emotions, rather than a cheesy book, or pop-psychology on dating.
"A man’s value to women boils down to those two words Dr. Schmitt italicized: ability and willingness."
"High-value men have the ability to be long-term providers. That doesn’t necessarily mean they’re wealthy. It simply means they possess certain qualities like foresight, discipline, a social network, resourcefulness, intelligence, and humor."
"It appears that while women take their emotional difficulties to their physician or therapist, men take their problems to the pub."
January 2024
Good reminder.
Dating and risk management. Two words that aren't usually seen together. Smith, a Psychologist peers into the dating world, and explores ways of how to mitigate the risk of breaking up, or getting divorced.
Smith outlines three key areas you want to look for in a potential partner....
1. emotional maturity
2. emotional stability
3. clarity
Throughout the book, he cites relevant academic sources, rather than just focusing solely on his clinical opinion. Most of the stuff he talked about I had heard before, but I thought it was great to hear specifically from his experience as a clinician. It felt more like sitting in a therapy session, and his understanding of emotions, rather than a cheesy book, or pop-psychology on dating.
"A man’s value to women boils down to those two words Dr. Schmitt italicized: ability and willingness."
"High-value men have the ability to be long-term providers. That doesn’t necessarily mean they’re wealthy. It simply means they possess certain qualities like foresight, discipline, a social network, resourcefulness, intelligence, and humor."
"It appears that while women take their emotional difficulties to their physician or therapist, men take their problems to the pub."
January 2024
Good reminder.
August 29, 2024
An overview of the qualities to seek in a mate if one chooses to marry as well as an idea of the risks involved for those with assets if they choose the wrong mate.
MY GRADE: B plus.
MY GRADE: B plus.
August 12, 2020
Based on may cited psychological research, which I really liked.
I recommend this book for people who wants to make good decisions about relationships.
As well as to understand better how to act to maintain happy, fulfilling and stable relationships.
I recommend this book for people who wants to make good decisions about relationships.
As well as to understand better how to act to maintain happy, fulfilling and stable relationships.
February 8, 2021
Read it. You will do yourself a favour. Not the regular female nature bashing in here. It Starts from the self and then takes it to the other gender. Pretty informative, structured and a good assessment tool.
April 9, 2020
There are things I really like about this book. I think it is fantastic that it starts with looking at yourself before it ever goes into looking at what you would want to find in someone else. There is plenty throughout the book about taking responsibility for your own part in how things are going and not simply thinking the other person is at fault. There is a wonderful focus on being healthy and looking for a healthy partner.
But I really don't agree with the chapter on divorce... To give perspective I work as a paralegal in a divorce attorney's office and I can tell you from personal experience that a lot of what is said there is cherry picked from the worst cases where women are being vindictive and he is completely ignoring the fact that there are men out there that are just as nasty and vindictive when it comes to divorce as those horror stories about women he is describing. The author says clearly that he is using horror stories to scare his readers: "Is this frightening you? I hope so, just a little. It pays to be aware of the horror stories and cautionary tales."
This seems to completely derail from the other areas of the book where there seems to be a far more even keel of: make sure you are in a good healthy place and then find a partner in a good healthy place, and then you can be partners in life. There is a disproportionate attitude in that chapter that women are Always favored in court, the reality is they are not, court now a days favor getting as close to 50/50 as they can when it comes to custody. Does that stop people from feeling like the other party was favored and they weren't? No it doesn't. No matter what the court orders, or how good of a 'win' they got in court, there is almost always a feeling of 'It isn't fair.' Even a 'win' in divorce court can feel like a loss, after all a marriage is over, property is divided, children now have a schedule between two households...what used to be there is lost, of course there is a feeling of loss coming out of divorce court.
I do wish the author hadn't so blatantly attempted to stoke so much fear in men about divorce in general. The reality is if you have a toxic, mentally ill, or unbalanced partner, you are likely in for a nasty divorce. It doesn't matter if you are a man with a toxic women in your life or a woman with a toxic man in your life...a toxic partner can cause a nightmare of a divorce.
Would I recommend this book? Yes, except for the section in chapter 9 titled 'A Word about Managing Risk In Marriage' don't read that horror story fodder, all the author wants to do is scare you, he even admits to it.
But I really don't agree with the chapter on divorce... To give perspective I work as a paralegal in a divorce attorney's office and I can tell you from personal experience that a lot of what is said there is cherry picked from the worst cases where women are being vindictive and he is completely ignoring the fact that there are men out there that are just as nasty and vindictive when it comes to divorce as those horror stories about women he is describing. The author says clearly that he is using horror stories to scare his readers: "Is this frightening you? I hope so, just a little. It pays to be aware of the horror stories and cautionary tales."
This seems to completely derail from the other areas of the book where there seems to be a far more even keel of: make sure you are in a good healthy place and then find a partner in a good healthy place, and then you can be partners in life. There is a disproportionate attitude in that chapter that women are Always favored in court, the reality is they are not, court now a days favor getting as close to 50/50 as they can when it comes to custody. Does that stop people from feeling like the other party was favored and they weren't? No it doesn't. No matter what the court orders, or how good of a 'win' they got in court, there is almost always a feeling of 'It isn't fair.' Even a 'win' in divorce court can feel like a loss, after all a marriage is over, property is divided, children now have a schedule between two households...what used to be there is lost, of course there is a feeling of loss coming out of divorce court.
I do wish the author hadn't so blatantly attempted to stoke so much fear in men about divorce in general. The reality is if you have a toxic, mentally ill, or unbalanced partner, you are likely in for a nasty divorce. It doesn't matter if you are a man with a toxic women in your life or a woman with a toxic man in your life...a toxic partner can cause a nightmare of a divorce.
Would I recommend this book? Yes, except for the section in chapter 9 titled 'A Word about Managing Risk In Marriage' don't read that horror story fodder, all the author wants to do is scare you, he even admits to it.
April 7, 2018
Take luck and chicanery out of the game. An educated, psychological look at relationships.
Part one focuses on us, the man. We can't expect anything without handling our shite first. Becoming a 'high-status man' simplifies the dating game. Smith has a brilliant section on values which allowed me to put words on this oftentimes vague concept. He's doesn't cotton wool the situation. Life's going to be challenging and our minds need supervision. Otherwise our monkey brains will pursue hedonistic short-term goals. Knowing our history and the reasons for our actions allows us to amend our ways and get on track. It's important to have a reason for being. Smith quotes Nietzche "A man with a why can bare any how". That's a dramatic sentiment but I think having a direction is a key to living a good life.
Part two illuminates the concept of the Bright Triad. This is a Smith coined term that he believes every suitable woman should possess. The triad includes clarity, maturity and stability. This seems self-evident but it's the articulation of that which really gives me something to look for. Unfortunately few of us are given manual to what to look for in women in our youth. Everyone is flawed but a good partner has a few identifiable traits. Some that stood out were internalisation, assertiveness, optimism, resilience and intellectual nuance. A relationship will face problems. We need a partner who can face these problems rationally. Smith mentions planful problem solving and other conflict resolution tactics. Fantastic advice.
The final section of the book is titled 'How to avoid completely f*cking up your life'. As I stated earlier no cotton-wooling here. This part talks about lovely stuff like depression, personality disorders and prenups! Smith writes "The emotional cost of a miserable relationship can drain a man's soul". That's pretty heavy stuff but with the chips stacked against a man in custody battles it's essential to be able to find the right girl. Smith gives a number of strategies for eliminating the wrong woman such as; heeding red flags, listening to your friends and family and pulling the pin.
There's very little fat in this book. I reread it immediately because I sensed its importance. There's little else to say. Read it unless you're a master with women. Wish me luck implementing its content during the heat of the moment!
Part one focuses on us, the man. We can't expect anything without handling our shite first. Becoming a 'high-status man' simplifies the dating game. Smith has a brilliant section on values which allowed me to put words on this oftentimes vague concept. He's doesn't cotton wool the situation. Life's going to be challenging and our minds need supervision. Otherwise our monkey brains will pursue hedonistic short-term goals. Knowing our history and the reasons for our actions allows us to amend our ways and get on track. It's important to have a reason for being. Smith quotes Nietzche "A man with a why can bare any how". That's a dramatic sentiment but I think having a direction is a key to living a good life.
Part two illuminates the concept of the Bright Triad. This is a Smith coined term that he believes every suitable woman should possess. The triad includes clarity, maturity and stability. This seems self-evident but it's the articulation of that which really gives me something to look for. Unfortunately few of us are given manual to what to look for in women in our youth. Everyone is flawed but a good partner has a few identifiable traits. Some that stood out were internalisation, assertiveness, optimism, resilience and intellectual nuance. A relationship will face problems. We need a partner who can face these problems rationally. Smith mentions planful problem solving and other conflict resolution tactics. Fantastic advice.
The final section of the book is titled 'How to avoid completely f*cking up your life'. As I stated earlier no cotton-wooling here. This part talks about lovely stuff like depression, personality disorders and prenups! Smith writes "The emotional cost of a miserable relationship can drain a man's soul". That's pretty heavy stuff but with the chips stacked against a man in custody battles it's essential to be able to find the right girl. Smith gives a number of strategies for eliminating the wrong woman such as; heeding red flags, listening to your friends and family and pulling the pin.
There's very little fat in this book. I reread it immediately because I sensed its importance. There's little else to say. Read it unless you're a master with women. Wish me luck implementing its content during the heat of the moment!
March 28, 2020
Required reading for thoughtful men navigating the world of dating and relationships, especially in the USA where men will lose their shirt in divorce court (Bezos $38 Billion?). I wish I picked up this book 10 years ago. My friend in Miami suggested this book after it helped him figure out the red flags in his relationship, which ultimately, for long-term benefit, resulted in a breakup.
This is not a pickup book, but rather a risk management course on dating and long term relationships. This book helps you understand yourself and be the best you to find and identify the most desirable her. There are plenty of good women looking for good men. This will help you (1) understand the values-driven risk management approach to dating, (2) identify wonderful women of low-drama and high character radiating the bright triad of Clarity, Maturity, and Stability, and (3) "How to avoid completely f****** up your life". In this day and age of divorce massively skewed towards women (particularly in the USA), falling for some traps early in relationships can have an irreversible impact on your life if things go south; the warnings, red flags, and pitfalls described in this guide will help minimize your chances of just that. It's worth a time investment now.
The book is an easy read with plenty of anecdotes and advice backed by psychological research. It does a good portraying a bit of the biological/psychological differences between men and women in the realms of emotions, problem-solving, and attraction to supplement and how they lead to the relationship pitfalls above. Overall this book is a minimal time investment to avoid traps costing you years of life, that otherwise, only years of relationship experience and years working as a bartender could prevent.
This is not a pickup book, but rather a risk management course on dating and long term relationships. This book helps you understand yourself and be the best you to find and identify the most desirable her. There are plenty of good women looking for good men. This will help you (1) understand the values-driven risk management approach to dating, (2) identify wonderful women of low-drama and high character radiating the bright triad of Clarity, Maturity, and Stability, and (3) "How to avoid completely f****** up your life". In this day and age of divorce massively skewed towards women (particularly in the USA), falling for some traps early in relationships can have an irreversible impact on your life if things go south; the warnings, red flags, and pitfalls described in this guide will help minimize your chances of just that. It's worth a time investment now.
The book is an easy read with plenty of anecdotes and advice backed by psychological research. It does a good portraying a bit of the biological/psychological differences between men and women in the realms of emotions, problem-solving, and attraction to supplement and how they lead to the relationship pitfalls above. Overall this book is a minimal time investment to avoid traps costing you years of life, that otherwise, only years of relationship experience and years working as a bartender could prevent.
November 27, 2020
Granted, it sounds like a cheesy title, but this book is from a reputable professional medical author with clinical examples and lots of research and science to back it up. I picked up this book when I read: "This is not another book about getting laid, This book is about not getting screwed".
Unlike the typical pick up artist community literature, this book talks about strategies for the reader to be a better person, what to look for, what to avoid, and how to take good care of what he has.
The book brings to light ideas and concepts not generally discussed, some good, some bad, and gives each an actual name. Along with those concepts, Dr. Smith explains with real-life stories some examples of what could go wrong in a relationship, what go go great, and what both parties can do to better understand each other and better suite one another.
I found the book useful whether the reader is single, or married. It has excellent science-backed advice that can be useful for anyone. A good read indeed.
Unlike the typical pick up artist community literature, this book talks about strategies for the reader to be a better person, what to look for, what to avoid, and how to take good care of what he has.
The book brings to light ideas and concepts not generally discussed, some good, some bad, and gives each an actual name. Along with those concepts, Dr. Smith explains with real-life stories some examples of what could go wrong in a relationship, what go go great, and what both parties can do to better understand each other and better suite one another.
I found the book useful whether the reader is single, or married. It has excellent science-backed advice that can be useful for anyone. A good read indeed.
April 28, 2020
this and a few others like, "Rational Male" should almost be required reading for guys in their teens, and through life.
not a "pick up artist" book. Just great information on the differences in the way men and women approach problems.
I am seen quite a few books written by women, or from that point of view, on how men should act according to them. this one is different. it also puts the responsibility back on the guy to get their own lives in order. overall a great read, with useful suggestions
not a "pick up artist" book. Just great information on the differences in the way men and women approach problems.
I am seen quite a few books written by women, or from that point of view, on how men should act according to them. this one is different. it also puts the responsibility back on the guy to get their own lives in order. overall a great read, with useful suggestions
November 4, 2020
Insightful
Although this is intended for men, a friend recommended this book. It's been amazing to know what men think, how the landscape is for them and what are the traits the should search for in women, because -believe it or not- we do want the same basis. I enjoyed the reading and this gave me a good perspective. I will say it's a basic tool for men looking to have real commitment and a good relationship
Although this is intended for men, a friend recommended this book. It's been amazing to know what men think, how the landscape is for them and what are the traits the should search for in women, because -believe it or not- we do want the same basis. I enjoyed the reading and this gave me a good perspective. I will say it's a basic tool for men looking to have real commitment and a good relationship
July 21, 2019
This is one of the best relationship books I’ve ever read. You’ll feel like you’re sitting down and having a face-to-face conversation with Shawn about applied psychology. This book reads really fast; once I started, I couldn’t put it down. I highly recommend this book if you want to learn more about women, relationships, and yourself.
April 29, 2019
YES! This was superb and I will definitely be reading this again. Recommended by a friend, I think every hetero dude should read this...especially if you find yourself falling for bad women, too. 5 stars +
August 9, 2019
Required reading for men of all ages. Goes far beyond marriage in its advice. I will make sure to read it again when on a serious relationship.
September 3, 2019
This is a great resource for people (men especially, there's an equivalent book for women by the same author) who contemplate the possibility of dating, marrying, or having anything to do with the opposite sex that involves anything more than a non-platonic interaction or a one-night-stand. I cannot claim that it is the best or final resource, nor does the author, a clinical psychologist by profession, claim anything of the sort either.
Married men might also benefit from this book, at least to assess if their choice was based on sound thinking (including paying attention to red-flags), and to see how they can help themselves and their partner to resolve any issues they might have to improve their relationship (or leave the relationship early before they waste years of their lives with the wrong person).
There are too many details to unpack in a short review, but some important traits to look for in a female partner include maturity, manifested for instance by the ability to internalize responsibility instead of externalizing it and blaming others and circumstances for everything, and stability, particularly of the mental kind, or at least demonstrating the willingness to deal with one's past fuck-ups and issues, and their consequences on one's sanity, seeking therapy and help if necessary. It goes without saying that men must manifest these two traits as well, or strive to achieve them if they don't already. There are also many differences between men and women on a psychological level (which can be explain by our evolutionary history), that can lead to misunderstandings and frustrations.
The many horror stories out there showcasing of how awful relationships can turn out, especially when they end in divorce or a permanent unhappiness trap, are sufficient to deter any rational man, out of mere caution and risk assessment, from establishing a long term relationship or marriage contract, especially given the trend in many current legal systems to favor women in court, as well as the simple fact that more often than not, men make more money, resulting in asset transfer going mostly in one direction. But the author, while acknowledging the need to heed those lessons, compares them to plane crashes that make the headlines, casting a shadow over all the good and successful relationships out there.
The author's aim from this book is simply that men learn their lessons from their past mistakes when choosing a partner, as well as other people's mistakes, and most importantly from scientific research results regarding marriage and partnership, and take some measures to ensure that they and their partners lead happy lives together, and in the worse case, protect themselves against mental, physical and financial abuse.
Married men might also benefit from this book, at least to assess if their choice was based on sound thinking (including paying attention to red-flags), and to see how they can help themselves and their partner to resolve any issues they might have to improve their relationship (or leave the relationship early before they waste years of their lives with the wrong person).
There are too many details to unpack in a short review, but some important traits to look for in a female partner include maturity, manifested for instance by the ability to internalize responsibility instead of externalizing it and blaming others and circumstances for everything, and stability, particularly of the mental kind, or at least demonstrating the willingness to deal with one's past fuck-ups and issues, and their consequences on one's sanity, seeking therapy and help if necessary. It goes without saying that men must manifest these two traits as well, or strive to achieve them if they don't already. There are also many differences between men and women on a psychological level (which can be explain by our evolutionary history), that can lead to misunderstandings and frustrations.
The many horror stories out there showcasing of how awful relationships can turn out, especially when they end in divorce or a permanent unhappiness trap, are sufficient to deter any rational man, out of mere caution and risk assessment, from establishing a long term relationship or marriage contract, especially given the trend in many current legal systems to favor women in court, as well as the simple fact that more often than not, men make more money, resulting in asset transfer going mostly in one direction. But the author, while acknowledging the need to heed those lessons, compares them to plane crashes that make the headlines, casting a shadow over all the good and successful relationships out there.
The author's aim from this book is simply that men learn their lessons from their past mistakes when choosing a partner, as well as other people's mistakes, and most importantly from scientific research results regarding marriage and partnership, and take some measures to ensure that they and their partners lead happy lives together, and in the worse case, protect themselves against mental, physical and financial abuse.
November 4, 2021
I liked the basic premise of this book about about screening women for good long term qualities. Only few men can describe exactly the type of qualities which are important for them in a woman rather than sexual attraction and emotions
If you know Russian, I highly recommend Maksim Verdict on YouTube, he goes MUCH deeper into the subject of selecting women and has far more precise and clear criteria than the ones described here
Sometimes it seemed for me like the author didn't have enough real world experience outside of his professional practice. I found it very naive when he talked about having compromises with a woman, or when he implicitly assumed that conflicts initiated by you woman is ok for a relationship, or that it is ok to be with a girl who can be angry at you, or when talked about having problems in the beginning of the relationship because they can be fixed later - I just cringed during those moments
At the same time author made a couple of good points, here are some of my takeaways:
- Respect your intuition
- Be honest about her bad behavior, don't blind yourself
- Use time to avoid self-deception
- Women are more attracted to men of lower levels of agreeableness
- It is far better to be alone than with a woman who has long term risks
- Men, in general, prefer a nice hip-to-waste ratio. Women, in general, prefer a nice debt-to-asset ratio
- ANY discomfort in the beginning of the relationship is ALWAYS a problem in the future
- The bright triad: clarity, maturity, and stability
- Congruency and honesty should be from the very beginning
- Don't apologize and mask your values, be honest about them from the very beginning
- Give yourself at least 18 month to vet her and spot any risks
- Most women are on their best behavior until the 6 months mark into a relationship
- Look for red flags early in the relationship, if anything pops up, don't let it slide
- Woman's mother is the person whom that woman become in the future
- A woman gravitates to a man who relates to her the way her father did
- The meaning of money should be the same in a relationship
- Women initiate four out of five divorces
- When a man has own principles it shows a woman that he is capable to defend what's most important for him and she learns that he is also capable of defending her
- Levels of commitment: moving together → getting a puppy → sharing credit cards, cosigning things → getting married → having children
- Choose the most attractive women among the pool of best suitable ones rather than settling for adequate prospects among the most physically attractive
If you know Russian, I highly recommend Maksim Verdict on YouTube, he goes MUCH deeper into the subject of selecting women and has far more precise and clear criteria than the ones described here
Sometimes it seemed for me like the author didn't have enough real world experience outside of his professional practice. I found it very naive when he talked about having compromises with a woman, or when he implicitly assumed that conflicts initiated by you woman is ok for a relationship, or that it is ok to be with a girl who can be angry at you, or when talked about having problems in the beginning of the relationship because they can be fixed later - I just cringed during those moments
At the same time author made a couple of good points, here are some of my takeaways:
- Respect your intuition
- Be honest about her bad behavior, don't blind yourself
- Use time to avoid self-deception
- Women are more attracted to men of lower levels of agreeableness
- It is far better to be alone than with a woman who has long term risks
- Men, in general, prefer a nice hip-to-waste ratio. Women, in general, prefer a nice debt-to-asset ratio
- ANY discomfort in the beginning of the relationship is ALWAYS a problem in the future
- The bright triad: clarity, maturity, and stability
- Congruency and honesty should be from the very beginning
- Don't apologize and mask your values, be honest about them from the very beginning
- Give yourself at least 18 month to vet her and spot any risks
- Most women are on their best behavior until the 6 months mark into a relationship
- Look for red flags early in the relationship, if anything pops up, don't let it slide
- Woman's mother is the person whom that woman become in the future
- A woman gravitates to a man who relates to her the way her father did
- The meaning of money should be the same in a relationship
- Women initiate four out of five divorces
- When a man has own principles it shows a woman that he is capable to defend what's most important for him and she learns that he is also capable of defending her
- Levels of commitment: moving together → getting a puppy → sharing credit cards, cosigning things → getting married → having children
- Choose the most attractive women among the pool of best suitable ones rather than settling for adequate prospects among the most physically attractive
Read
May 25, 2023Overall a solid book on what to watch out for in women in dating. Before getting kids/married, the most important thing is knowing about the "honeymoon phase," where everything about the other seems perfect for 6 months or so, where we deliberately overlook any red flags. Some advice before getting married includes: Checking if you have compatible values (not necessarily the same) regarding:
-Career
-Hobbies
-Caregiving
-Family
-Community involvement
-Religion and spirituality
-Education and self-development
-Physical and mental health
-Friendship types
-Finances / What money represents
-Physical intimacy / The meaning of sex
-Common goals
-Relationship roles/expectations
-Tradition
-Power
-Achievement
-Tradition
-Security
Tons of practical tips - lots of evo psych stuff - it's written from a perspective for high-value men who can make romantic decisions at least somewhat rationally. He treats the reader as someone who obviously should pick a woman who's good for him.
Interestingly he warns against cohabitation, which I haven't heard before. The reasoning is that that you'll slide into marriage without even knowing it, making it hard to separate. The threshold of breaking up just increases time by time, for example, the ambiguity of splitting shared furniture, and then suddenly you have a dog together.
Interesting statistic: Men and women break up 50/50 in cohabitation. While in marriage, women initiate divorce 70-80% of the time. Probably due to the financial advantages women usually gain - and their advantage in court.
Nice material to meditate on.
-Career
-Hobbies
-Caregiving
-Family
-Community involvement
-Religion and spirituality
-Education and self-development
-Physical and mental health
-Friendship types
-Finances / What money represents
-Physical intimacy / The meaning of sex
-Common goals
-Relationship roles/expectations
-Tradition
-Power
-Achievement
-Tradition
-Security
Tons of practical tips - lots of evo psych stuff - it's written from a perspective for high-value men who can make romantic decisions at least somewhat rationally. He treats the reader as someone who obviously should pick a woman who's good for him.
Interestingly he warns against cohabitation, which I haven't heard before. The reasoning is that that you'll slide into marriage without even knowing it, making it hard to separate. The threshold of breaking up just increases time by time, for example, the ambiguity of splitting shared furniture, and then suddenly you have a dog together.
Interesting statistic: Men and women break up 50/50 in cohabitation. While in marriage, women initiate divorce 70-80% of the time. Probably due to the financial advantages women usually gain - and their advantage in court.
Nice material to meditate on.
August 19, 2023
This book is perhaps the most direct and useful I've ever read in relation to assessing risk when getting into a relationship with a woman.
First off, it points out the need for a man to take responsibility for understanding himself, his goals, his values, and where he's going in life. Which is essential; after all, if you don't know yourself, then how will you know if someone is appropriate for you?
After that, it creates a positive, optimistic approach to assessing whether or not a woman has the skills and qualities to be a good partner in your life.
I've used this book as a very practical reference point for evaluating whether or not a partner was likely to be healthy for me, or a tremendous liability that was more likely to bring considerable carnage and disruption for my life.
Of note, the unhealthy partner who drained my energy, confidence, and self esteem through constant drama, emotional instability, and gaslighting bore many of the negative traits described in this book as warning signs. I found myself highlighting several sections and paragraphs in relation to her.
On the other hand, the healthy partner who has been an incredibly positive influence in my life and provided a stable and secure base bears all three of the positive pillars referenced in this book - clarity, maturity, and stability. She fits all the positive criteria, and none of the warning signs.
As you can see, The Tactical Guide To Women has tested out to be invaluable, both in exiting unhealthy situations, and in evaluating more positive future partners!
First off, it points out the need for a man to take responsibility for understanding himself, his goals, his values, and where he's going in life. Which is essential; after all, if you don't know yourself, then how will you know if someone is appropriate for you?
After that, it creates a positive, optimistic approach to assessing whether or not a woman has the skills and qualities to be a good partner in your life.
I've used this book as a very practical reference point for evaluating whether or not a partner was likely to be healthy for me, or a tremendous liability that was more likely to bring considerable carnage and disruption for my life.
Of note, the unhealthy partner who drained my energy, confidence, and self esteem through constant drama, emotional instability, and gaslighting bore many of the negative traits described in this book as warning signs. I found myself highlighting several sections and paragraphs in relation to her.
On the other hand, the healthy partner who has been an incredibly positive influence in my life and provided a stable and secure base bears all three of the positive pillars referenced in this book - clarity, maturity, and stability. She fits all the positive criteria, and none of the warning signs.
As you can see, The Tactical Guide To Women has tested out to be invaluable, both in exiting unhealthy situations, and in evaluating more positive future partners!
February 14, 2025
“Every day we spend nursing a dying relationship comes at the cost af lost opportunity.”
“Successful people internalize responsibility. They realize that life comes with difficulties, and they make it their duty to handle those difficulties correctly. They don't get stuck blaming others or waiting for a miracle. They get to work when there's a problem to be solved
People who externalize responsibility approach life as if their destinies are ruled by luck or prejudice. If she fails a math test, it's because the professor doesn't like her or the test was unfair. When the internalizer fails the math test, she resolves to work harder next time. It makes no difference whether the professor dislikes her or the test was unfair. She's the captain of her own ship, and she knows it.”
“One of the reasons couples routinely fall into rabbit holes is an over-reliance on their own individual memories and the steries they tell. We make the mistake of believing our brains function like tape recorders, but we don't recall memories so much as we reconstruct them. The fallibility of human memory is the bane of courtroom trials. Our memories of emotionally charged events are generally about 50 percent accurate, but they feel 100 percent accurate.”
“Successful people internalize responsibility. They realize that life comes with difficulties, and they make it their duty to handle those difficulties correctly. They don't get stuck blaming others or waiting for a miracle. They get to work when there's a problem to be solved
People who externalize responsibility approach life as if their destinies are ruled by luck or prejudice. If she fails a math test, it's because the professor doesn't like her or the test was unfair. When the internalizer fails the math test, she resolves to work harder next time. It makes no difference whether the professor dislikes her or the test was unfair. She's the captain of her own ship, and she knows it.”
“One of the reasons couples routinely fall into rabbit holes is an over-reliance on their own individual memories and the steries they tell. We make the mistake of believing our brains function like tape recorders, but we don't recall memories so much as we reconstruct them. The fallibility of human memory is the bane of courtroom trials. Our memories of emotionally charged events are generally about 50 percent accurate, but they feel 100 percent accurate.”
July 20, 2019
The title of this book might make you think that it's something misogynistic and out of pickup-artistry world. That's not the case it all.
The author highlights the differences between male and female psychology and he does it respectively, without looking down on women but rather acknowledging the simple facts based on research.
First third of the book gives recommendations to men how to be the best possible partner they can be — because relationships is obviously not a one-sided game and partners should work on themselves and take responsibility.
The rest of the book uncovers various red flags and characteristics in women that men should be aware of if they want healthy sustainable relationships and ends with some practical advice to reducing risks of breakup and things going down while already in relationships/marriage. The author does it with many references to the related scientific studies and some anecdotal evidence. Especially interesting was the part about various personality disorders that can make your relationship a nightmare.
Great structure, solid advice and respectable tone makes this book a must-read for all men: single or already in relationship.
The author highlights the differences between male and female psychology and he does it respectively, without looking down on women but rather acknowledging the simple facts based on research.
First third of the book gives recommendations to men how to be the best possible partner they can be — because relationships is obviously not a one-sided game and partners should work on themselves and take responsibility.
The rest of the book uncovers various red flags and characteristics in women that men should be aware of if they want healthy sustainable relationships and ends with some practical advice to reducing risks of breakup and things going down while already in relationships/marriage. The author does it with many references to the related scientific studies and some anecdotal evidence. Especially interesting was the part about various personality disorders that can make your relationship a nightmare.
Great structure, solid advice and respectable tone makes this book a must-read for all men: single or already in relationship.
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