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Because We Are Bad: OCD and a Girl Lost in Thought
A Washington Post Best Book of the Year
“One of the best [books] I have read on the phenomenology of OCD.” —Scott Stossel, the Washington Post
Written with the indelible power of Girl, Interrupted, Brain on Fire, and Reasons to Stay Alive, a lyrical, poignant memoir by a young woman about her childhood battle with debilitating obsessive compulsive disorder, and her hard-won journey to recovery.
By the age of thirteen, Lily Bailey was convinced she was bad. She had killed someone with a thought, spread untold disease, and ogled the bodies of other children. Only by performing an exhausting series of secret routines could she make up for what she’d done. But no matter how intricate or repetitive, no act of penance was ever enough.
Beautifully written and astonishingly intimate, Because We Are Bad recounts a childhood consumed by obsessive compulsive disorder. As a child, Bailey created a second personality inside herself—"I" became "we"—to help manifest compulsions that drove every minute of every day of her young life. Now she writes about the forces beneath her skin, and how they ordered, organized, and urged her forward. Lily charts her journey, from checking on her younger sister dozens of times a night, to "normalizing" herself at school among new friends as she grew older, and finally to her young adult years, learning—indeed, breaking through—to make a way for herself in a big, wide world that refuses to stay in check.
Charming and raw, harrowing and redemptive, Because We Are Bad is an illuminating and uplifting look into the mind and soul of an extraordinary young woman, and a startling portrait of OCD that allows us to see and understand this condition as never before.
“One of the best [books] I have read on the phenomenology of OCD.” —Scott Stossel, the Washington Post
Written with the indelible power of Girl, Interrupted, Brain on Fire, and Reasons to Stay Alive, a lyrical, poignant memoir by a young woman about her childhood battle with debilitating obsessive compulsive disorder, and her hard-won journey to recovery.
By the age of thirteen, Lily Bailey was convinced she was bad. She had killed someone with a thought, spread untold disease, and ogled the bodies of other children. Only by performing an exhausting series of secret routines could she make up for what she’d done. But no matter how intricate or repetitive, no act of penance was ever enough.
Beautifully written and astonishingly intimate, Because We Are Bad recounts a childhood consumed by obsessive compulsive disorder. As a child, Bailey created a second personality inside herself—"I" became "we"—to help manifest compulsions that drove every minute of every day of her young life. Now she writes about the forces beneath her skin, and how they ordered, organized, and urged her forward. Lily charts her journey, from checking on her younger sister dozens of times a night, to "normalizing" herself at school among new friends as she grew older, and finally to her young adult years, learning—indeed, breaking through—to make a way for herself in a big, wide world that refuses to stay in check.
Charming and raw, harrowing and redemptive, Because We Are Bad is an illuminating and uplifting look into the mind and soul of an extraordinary young woman, and a startling portrait of OCD that allows us to see and understand this condition as never before.
274 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 13, 2016
324 people are currently reading
8108 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 522 reviews
October 3, 2017
In the midst of my own "bad time" this is exactly what I needed. So many of Lily's experiences mirror my own so exactly. She gives me hope.
May 16, 2018
Someone in my life has OCD, so you will be seeing more of these OCD memoirs in my feed. As a memoir, this was a good one; the author brings the reader right into the obsessions ruling her life. Hers were all about social faux pas, though, and not contamination fears, which is the variety of OCD I’m dealing with. But as I said, the picture she paints of her intrusive thoughts and her belief in her own “badness” is disturbingly vivid. She’s equally detailed and vivid with the various kinds of therapy she tried – from medication, to hospitalization, to a plain old support group. Best of all, the book has a happy ending.
For people like me who might be drawn to an OCD memoir because a loved one is suffering from the disorder, please recognize that you won’t find a cure in someone else’s memoir. The best you can get is a better understanding of what your loved one is going through. It may not be the ideal outcome, but it’s definitely a start. Good luck on your journey!
For people like me who might be drawn to an OCD memoir because a loved one is suffering from the disorder, please recognize that you won’t find a cure in someone else’s memoir. The best you can get is a better understanding of what your loved one is going through. It may not be the ideal outcome, but it’s definitely a start. Good luck on your journey!
April 7, 2017
“It has been an hours and fifty minutes since I’ve been by myself. I’ve enjoyed hanging out with Frankie, but the routines have piled up as usual and now I’m at bursting point. When I spend uninterrupted time with other people, a dam builds in my head. It can hold the words back for a while, but at some point they’ll surge free and overflow, and there will be chaos”
Because We Are Bad is a memoir by British model, journalist and author, Lily Bailey. Even in her earliest memories of childhood, Lily Bailey recalls having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Of course, she didn’t know what it was then: diagnosis and treatment did not happen until she was sixteen. But obsessions and compulsions filled her life: rituals and routines ruled her every waking moment.
OCD manifests in a myriad of different ways, and the triggers (obsessions) for the compulsions are as varied as the compulsive behaviours themselves (it’s not all hand washing). In Lily’s case, she was convinced that she was bad, and would constantly analyse her actions to confirm or challenge that belief. From an early age, her OCD was like a voice inside her, a very real presence (“She”), convincing her of her badness and telling her what she needed to do to negate it. During the explanation by her psychiatrist of what happens in OCD, “She is sulking in a corner of my brain”.
Bailey’s account of her life so far is candid and illuminating. As Lily describes the debilitating rituals she followed, revealing how energy-sapping and time-consuming they were, the reader will wonder just how much more this obviously intelligent girl might have achieved without this handicap. Bailey demonstrates the negative effects of guilt and shame, and also psychological mismanagement. The positive results that come from good management, from understanding and acceptance are apparent in Lily’s recovery.
This inspirational memoir ends on a positive note: “Sometimes I have bad days where grey thoughts saunter in like unwanted dinner guests; the trick is not to invite them to sit at the table. They get bored in time, and show themselves out of the back door”. This should be required reading for Mental Health Professionals; anyone who has an interest in OCD is sure to find this an interesting and captivating read.
With thanks to Bookstr and Allen & Unwin for this copy to read and review.
Because We Are Bad is a memoir by British model, journalist and author, Lily Bailey. Even in her earliest memories of childhood, Lily Bailey recalls having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Of course, she didn’t know what it was then: diagnosis and treatment did not happen until she was sixteen. But obsessions and compulsions filled her life: rituals and routines ruled her every waking moment.
OCD manifests in a myriad of different ways, and the triggers (obsessions) for the compulsions are as varied as the compulsive behaviours themselves (it’s not all hand washing). In Lily’s case, she was convinced that she was bad, and would constantly analyse her actions to confirm or challenge that belief. From an early age, her OCD was like a voice inside her, a very real presence (“She”), convincing her of her badness and telling her what she needed to do to negate it. During the explanation by her psychiatrist of what happens in OCD, “She is sulking in a corner of my brain”.
Bailey’s account of her life so far is candid and illuminating. As Lily describes the debilitating rituals she followed, revealing how energy-sapping and time-consuming they were, the reader will wonder just how much more this obviously intelligent girl might have achieved without this handicap. Bailey demonstrates the negative effects of guilt and shame, and also psychological mismanagement. The positive results that come from good management, from understanding and acceptance are apparent in Lily’s recovery.
This inspirational memoir ends on a positive note: “Sometimes I have bad days where grey thoughts saunter in like unwanted dinner guests; the trick is not to invite them to sit at the table. They get bored in time, and show themselves out of the back door”. This should be required reading for Mental Health Professionals; anyone who has an interest in OCD is sure to find this an interesting and captivating read.
With thanks to Bookstr and Allen & Unwin for this copy to read and review.
February 7, 2023
You never know how ridiculous your OCD thoughts are till you view them through another lens. During the majority of the reading I wanted to laugh and cry. Laugh at the absurdity of the thoughts and cry because I have had similar if not the same and was/am just as devastated each time. The book for me started off a bit slow but it does rev up.
Most OCD sufferers when they write books tend to end on a high note of getting treatment and getting better but I do so wish someone would write a follow up book showing what treatment actually looks like on a day to day basis. That its not simply a ,I have treatment therefore I got better. I want them to talk about the bad days where they are completely swamped and OCD has once again taken over and how the next day the start a new.
Lily did a really good job with this book. It was honest and I thank her for it. Sometimes when you have a disorder it does feel better to know that other people have it and they are still living their best lives. It provides hope. Especially with such a rare disorder.
Most OCD sufferers when they write books tend to end on a high note of getting treatment and getting better but I do so wish someone would write a follow up book showing what treatment actually looks like on a day to day basis. That its not simply a ,I have treatment therefore I got better. I want them to talk about the bad days where they are completely swamped and OCD has once again taken over and how the next day the start a new.
Lily did a really good job with this book. It was honest and I thank her for it. Sometimes when you have a disorder it does feel better to know that other people have it and they are still living their best lives. It provides hope. Especially with such a rare disorder.
March 19, 2018
(3.5) “For as long as I could remember, I wasn’t me, I was we.” Lily Bailey, a British writer and model, had a sort of imaginary friend while she was growing up, but instead of a comforting presence it was a critical voice pushing her to be ultra-conscious of how her behavior appeared to others. She couldn’t stop thinking about how she might be perceived – everything from body odor to inadvertently acting snobby or selfish. Every imagined transgression was tallied up and given a letter abbreviation to remember it by. It got to the point that after any length of time spent around other people she’d have to retreat to write down and mull over her inventory of errors.
This went on for years at boarding school until Bailey was finally diagnosed with severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. As she explained to her mother, “I make lists in my head of everything I’ve done that might be wrong. Then I repeat them over and over again and analyse them. I have to be perfect. I feel like if I do this enough, then one day I will be.” But diagnosis was not the end to the struggle; far from it. Despite Prozac and CBT, Bailey later landed in a psychiatric unit. She captures her inpatient stay at Chesbury Hospital with great verve, recalling the chorus of the other patients’ voices and the different nurses’ strategies.
Because We Are Bad tracks Bailey’s life up until age 20, by which time she had moved past the worst of her mental health crisis and was making encouraging strides in her personal and professional life. There’s a bit of a pat ending; I thought the book would probably benefit from more hindsight – it had a small release in 2016, when Bailey was 24, and is now being given a full-blown re-release. However, like Elizabeth Wurtzel and Zack McDermott, Bailey gives a vivid sense of what it’s like to feel your mind working against you. Her recreation of childhood and the first-person plural sections are especially strong. I can recommend this to anyone who’s interested in learning more about OCD and mental health issues in general.
Originally published on my blog, Bookish Beck.
This went on for years at boarding school until Bailey was finally diagnosed with severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. As she explained to her mother, “I make lists in my head of everything I’ve done that might be wrong. Then I repeat them over and over again and analyse them. I have to be perfect. I feel like if I do this enough, then one day I will be.” But diagnosis was not the end to the struggle; far from it. Despite Prozac and CBT, Bailey later landed in a psychiatric unit. She captures her inpatient stay at Chesbury Hospital with great verve, recalling the chorus of the other patients’ voices and the different nurses’ strategies.
Because We Are Bad tracks Bailey’s life up until age 20, by which time she had moved past the worst of her mental health crisis and was making encouraging strides in her personal and professional life. There’s a bit of a pat ending; I thought the book would probably benefit from more hindsight – it had a small release in 2016, when Bailey was 24, and is now being given a full-blown re-release. However, like Elizabeth Wurtzel and Zack McDermott, Bailey gives a vivid sense of what it’s like to feel your mind working against you. Her recreation of childhood and the first-person plural sections are especially strong. I can recommend this to anyone who’s interested in learning more about OCD and mental health issues in general.
Originally published on my blog, Bookish Beck.
September 16, 2025
I appreciate it when people are willing to put their thought processes into words and share them with the world.
June 3, 2019
All my reviews can be found at. www.bookread2day.wordpress.com
It’s very true what is stated on the back of the book, it is certainly a raw true story about OCD. Lily Bailey was diagnosed with OCD at the age of 16. This is an honest memoir of her life up to the age of 21. Voices were in her head with thoughts that she was a bad person. Now Lily is 24 she decided to write about OCD. With help from her family and counselling she has found a way to managing her obsession. You can judge for yourself just how raw this book is.
As a child Liley Bailey knew she was bad. By the age of 13 , she had killed someone with a thought, spread untold disaster and eyed up her classmates.
She failed her suicide attempt by taking an overdose of pills. Then being transferred from intensive care into a psychiatric unit, sharing a room with four other people. She thought she had been sectioned but, thank goodness, somehow her parents persuaded the hospital to let her go home.
The one thing that I only realised by reading this true account of Because We Are Bad, is how OCD really effects people in different ways. The reason why I recommend reading Because We Are Bad is because it will in some form teach you what it’s like to live with an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
It’s very true what is stated on the back of the book, it is certainly a raw true story about OCD. Lily Bailey was diagnosed with OCD at the age of 16. This is an honest memoir of her life up to the age of 21. Voices were in her head with thoughts that she was a bad person. Now Lily is 24 she decided to write about OCD. With help from her family and counselling she has found a way to managing her obsession. You can judge for yourself just how raw this book is.
As a child Liley Bailey knew she was bad. By the age of 13 , she had killed someone with a thought, spread untold disaster and eyed up her classmates.
She failed her suicide attempt by taking an overdose of pills. Then being transferred from intensive care into a psychiatric unit, sharing a room with four other people. She thought she had been sectioned but, thank goodness, somehow her parents persuaded the hospital to let her go home.
The one thing that I only realised by reading this true account of Because We Are Bad, is how OCD really effects people in different ways. The reason why I recommend reading Because We Are Bad is because it will in some form teach you what it’s like to live with an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
October 14, 2017
As someone who has studied psychology, one of my pet peeves is when people make light of disorders - such as saying they have OCD when really, they just like things to be symmetrical or don't like the odd teaspoon left in the sink. It's rare when someone says, "Oh, I'm just really OCD" they mean they haven't been able to leave the house for hours due the sheer terror that should they neglect to undergo the full cycle of necessary behaviours something awful will happen to the very people they love.
I heard Lily Bailey interviewed as she promoted the book here in Australia, and through the interview I heard an articulate and intelligent person struck down with a shocking and life-impacting problem. However within a short interview it was difficult to really understand behaviours and thought processes that are, to begin with, difficult to really understand anyway.
Throughout the book you get this groaning sense of young years wasted as Bailey is captive to thought processes that are so powerful, uncontrollable and destructive. It is a little unnerving throughout that she writes about herself in the plural (as the illness co-exists with her) but in some ways I feel this probably helps to give distance and a sense that this is not her, the Lily that exists now, that is going through this.
I think what makes Bailey's memoir so different to others on the market I feel is her background in journalism makes it highly readable, but also that she hasn't necessarily written the book as therapy in itself, so she focuses on communicating her story to an audience, rather than just describing what she went through (which is what some similar books tend to do, and come off as whining, less empowering or focused on excessive details.)
I think a good measure of a book about psychological issues is whether it leaves the reader slightly in doubt whether they themselves are that completely removed from the experiences - and in this it's a scarily relatable story that should hopefully dispel some misconceptions, or at least some minimising of the impact on a young life sidelined by a terrible disorder.
I heard Lily Bailey interviewed as she promoted the book here in Australia, and through the interview I heard an articulate and intelligent person struck down with a shocking and life-impacting problem. However within a short interview it was difficult to really understand behaviours and thought processes that are, to begin with, difficult to really understand anyway.
Throughout the book you get this groaning sense of young years wasted as Bailey is captive to thought processes that are so powerful, uncontrollable and destructive. It is a little unnerving throughout that she writes about herself in the plural (as the illness co-exists with her) but in some ways I feel this probably helps to give distance and a sense that this is not her, the Lily that exists now, that is going through this.
I think what makes Bailey's memoir so different to others on the market I feel is her background in journalism makes it highly readable, but also that she hasn't necessarily written the book as therapy in itself, so she focuses on communicating her story to an audience, rather than just describing what she went through (which is what some similar books tend to do, and come off as whining, less empowering or focused on excessive details.)
I think a good measure of a book about psychological issues is whether it leaves the reader slightly in doubt whether they themselves are that completely removed from the experiences - and in this it's a scarily relatable story that should hopefully dispel some misconceptions, or at least some minimising of the impact on a young life sidelined by a terrible disorder.
February 16, 2018
I finished Bailey's book two days ago but since I had so much going on I had some time to gather my thoughts about it.
Overall I'd give it 4. 5 stars.
Lily's been having problems from a very young age. She constantly thinks she's bad and worried she might have hurt people. As she ages her worries, obsessions and compulsions to control then get worse. Bailey tells the story of her disorder, her way to recovery talking honestly about her relapses.
It's a very special book because it's written in a beautifully raw and honest way. It's not a professional clinical picture (why would it be) rather it's a portrait of the experience of the disorder. At times it was even tiring to read about it so it's not difficult to imagine how difficult it was for her doing it all day.
Reading it felt like being in Lily's head. The description of her anxieties, her actions that were considered to be bad and the meticulous way she went through them provided the suffocating feeling of living with OCD.
From a professional perspective it was interesting to see how she sees herself. Sometimes she seems to be very reflective of her condition (especially when she remembers her childhood) but as the memoir gets closer to the present the reflective capacity seems to be lower which might be because it's still needs to be worked through.
There are a few things that I didn't like. Sometimes Bailey skipped too much in time leaving me wondering what happened there. Some events in her life that might have had a casual relationship with her disorder only mentioned once or twice. And I definitely wanted to read more about her parents.
Overall I think we need books like this because they bring closer the experience of a mental disorder to the general population. I recommend it to everyone and applaud the writer for having the courage to write a book about her most intimate struggles.
Overall I'd give it 4. 5 stars.
Lily's been having problems from a very young age. She constantly thinks she's bad and worried she might have hurt people. As she ages her worries, obsessions and compulsions to control then get worse. Bailey tells the story of her disorder, her way to recovery talking honestly about her relapses.
It's a very special book because it's written in a beautifully raw and honest way. It's not a professional clinical picture (why would it be) rather it's a portrait of the experience of the disorder. At times it was even tiring to read about it so it's not difficult to imagine how difficult it was for her doing it all day.
Reading it felt like being in Lily's head. The description of her anxieties, her actions that were considered to be bad and the meticulous way she went through them provided the suffocating feeling of living with OCD.
From a professional perspective it was interesting to see how she sees herself. Sometimes she seems to be very reflective of her condition (especially when she remembers her childhood) but as the memoir gets closer to the present the reflective capacity seems to be lower which might be because it's still needs to be worked through.
There are a few things that I didn't like. Sometimes Bailey skipped too much in time leaving me wondering what happened there. Some events in her life that might have had a casual relationship with her disorder only mentioned once or twice. And I definitely wanted to read more about her parents.
Overall I think we need books like this because they bring closer the experience of a mental disorder to the general population. I recommend it to everyone and applaud the writer for having the courage to write a book about her most intimate struggles.
September 29, 2017
I am a fellow OCD-diagnosed woman, so Lily Bailey's story resonated with me. I was particularly impressed that she was twenty-one when she finished writing it. I only have two "but"s to my praise: first, there were a few points where I would turn the page and I could swear I'd accidentally skipped a page. It would feel like we'd just jumped ahead in time without warning, or segued without context. The other complaint I had is that I think she actually should have waited to write this book until she was older. Her writing is impressive, and she tells her story well. The problem is that the story is not over. The book ended rather abruptly because she made it to the present. She's still in her recovery process, and really only just started it in earnest. (Mind you, I know that OCD is the kind of disorder that may or may not actually go into full remission. For my part, I've just learned to live with it and I'm pretty sure it'll be here forever. I'm not suggesting she wait until she's "all better," just that maybe a few years of recovery would give her more perspective and a more complete ending.)
May 14, 2016
Matt Haig's honest and uplifting look at his own depression last year touched a nerve of many. This year, I think I'll put my best on Lily Bailey's personal journey through a lifetime of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) as non-fiction's best mental health confession.
I've read very few fictional representations of OCD in the past (Into the Darkest Corner stands out in my memory), and certainly never with an adolescent at the heart of the story.
Lily Bailey hear describes with no holds barred her own experiences from childhood, her teenage years and into her adult life, the ups and downs of her illness. The most shocking aspect for me was how serious it could be for someone so young. To spend hours, day and night, mulling over, worrying over her day's wrongs and faults; to categorise and order; to berate herself for seemingly normal behaviours that she saw as shameful, disgraceful, immoral - I've never understood the darkest reaches of what OCD must do to a person.
'Because We Are Bad' charts Lily's earliest memories of the development of her OCD, through to its ravages at school and university, her decision to seek help, and eventual breakthroughs. Her relationship with her therapist is especially well-documented, though I would have loved to have read more on her parents' perspective, on what they thought was going on with their daughter, on what they saw happening.
It's Lily's story of course, and the author uses a voice that shows her as the first person, experiencing OCD, the present tense making it all the more shocking as we go through life with Lily, thinking and feeling what she does.
It will make every reader feel guilt, guilt that they've probably at some point said "oh, I'm a bit OCD about that", when they watch LIly wash her hands 50 times a day, panic about leaving fingerprints on a fridge, run for hours and hours to escape the lists and letters in her head.
Lily's OCD also has an unusual aspect - in childhood she refers to herself as 'we' - there is another voice and person inside her mind, almost a guilty conscience manifested in a second personality. This is quite frightening, she was only a child, but also very well-written as she refers to herself as a plural.
For a debut writer (who has worked as a journalist), this is stunning writing really. I can only imagine how hard it must have been to tell this story so dispassionately yet truthfully.
I would have liked to hear from Dr Finch, even in an afterword with a clinical synopsis of Lily's journey, to hear the medical side of an OCD story, to complement Lily's own words. There is more story to tell, I felt, and I wanted to know all of it.
You will find humour here, an intelligent and plucky woman to empathise with, and a story that will help dispel common myths and rumours about a truly all-consuming condition. I hope to read more from Ms Bailey (and Rocky) in the future.
With thanks to the author for the paper copy, provided for review purposes.
I've read very few fictional representations of OCD in the past (Into the Darkest Corner stands out in my memory), and certainly never with an adolescent at the heart of the story.
Lily Bailey hear describes with no holds barred her own experiences from childhood, her teenage years and into her adult life, the ups and downs of her illness. The most shocking aspect for me was how serious it could be for someone so young. To spend hours, day and night, mulling over, worrying over her day's wrongs and faults; to categorise and order; to berate herself for seemingly normal behaviours that she saw as shameful, disgraceful, immoral - I've never understood the darkest reaches of what OCD must do to a person.
'Because We Are Bad' charts Lily's earliest memories of the development of her OCD, through to its ravages at school and university, her decision to seek help, and eventual breakthroughs. Her relationship with her therapist is especially well-documented, though I would have loved to have read more on her parents' perspective, on what they thought was going on with their daughter, on what they saw happening.
It's Lily's story of course, and the author uses a voice that shows her as the first person, experiencing OCD, the present tense making it all the more shocking as we go through life with Lily, thinking and feeling what she does.
It will make every reader feel guilt, guilt that they've probably at some point said "oh, I'm a bit OCD about that", when they watch LIly wash her hands 50 times a day, panic about leaving fingerprints on a fridge, run for hours and hours to escape the lists and letters in her head.
Lily's OCD also has an unusual aspect - in childhood she refers to herself as 'we' - there is another voice and person inside her mind, almost a guilty conscience manifested in a second personality. This is quite frightening, she was only a child, but also very well-written as she refers to herself as a plural.
For a debut writer (who has worked as a journalist), this is stunning writing really. I can only imagine how hard it must have been to tell this story so dispassionately yet truthfully.
I would have liked to hear from Dr Finch, even in an afterword with a clinical synopsis of Lily's journey, to hear the medical side of an OCD story, to complement Lily's own words. There is more story to tell, I felt, and I wanted to know all of it.
You will find humour here, an intelligent and plucky woman to empathise with, and a story that will help dispel common myths and rumours about a truly all-consuming condition. I hope to read more from Ms Bailey (and Rocky) in the future.
With thanks to the author for the paper copy, provided for review purposes.
April 8, 2018
I'm feeling overwhelmed with gratitude that this book exists, and that Lily Bailey was able to express her struggle so honestly and clearly. OCD seems poorly understood by most people- it summons images of hand sanitizer and overly organized school supplies. By contrast, three aspects of the disorder that were striking in this book are magical thinking, intrusive thoughts, and the horrible feeling of having committed a crime that you can't remember.
I highly recommend this to people with anxiety disorders (including but not limited to OCD) and their loved ones.
I highly recommend this to people with anxiety disorders (including but not limited to OCD) and their loved ones.
February 7, 2018
I have wanted to read this book for a while, and when I was 10% through, I didn't think I could finish it. One week later and I have finished it, and in some ways feel like a different person for having read it. Let me explain.
When I was 10 years old, I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I am now 21, and have been living with this mental illness for the majority of my life.
Until now, I have avoided books around OCD, which is strange because I have planned my entire career around becoming a clinical psychologist to help others with the disorder. I can read journal articles about it, I can read textbooks about it, but reading real-world accounts scares the hell out of me because there is just something too raw about it. Starting this book and reading from the perspective of a young Lily really threw me off, because that was the time where my OCD was at its worst. There were - and are - so many things I did and still do on a daily basis: checking taps, checking locks, checking the bathroom light when I could see from my bedroom that it was off; thoughts that I hated the people I loved, that I wanted them dead, that something bad would happen to them if I didn't tell them to "stay safe"; tapping my forehead when I get bad thoughts, saluting lone magpies in case I get bad luck, having a bad thought and then retracing my steps and walking the same path again and again until I could do it without having those thoughts; having to reread pages if I stumbled on a word, having to read books out loud to make sure I was saying it right, having to repeat this over and over and over again until I could no longer read; worried I was abusive, worried I was a pervert, worried I was a bad person and deserved bad things to happen for me; feared contamination from snot, from dribble, from lingering dead skin cells; worried I smelled, feared other people's hair touching my skin/clothes/body, refused to do anything in sixes (because six is a bad number).
These are only the obsessions and compulsions I can recall from the top of my head, some from the past and some still very present. I am a lot better now than I used to be, and I like to think that I'm more in charge of my OCD than it is of me. I feel like being able to finish this book is proof of that, as a couple of years ago I think it would have been too triggering. I mean, there were points where I felt triggered and that I felt panic rising within me because I DO THAT TOO, but it was nowhere near as bad as it would have been, say, 7 years ago.
It was hard to read Lily Bailey's experience because, as someone with OCD, I know exactly how bad it can get and how awful it is to be trapped inside of your head like that. However, I think it is absolutely amazing that she has been able to write this memoir, and shows such strength. If you're interested in learning what it's really like to live with OCD, or have OCD yourself and feel ready to try reading about someone else's experience, this is the book for you.
When I was 10 years old, I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I am now 21, and have been living with this mental illness for the majority of my life.
Until now, I have avoided books around OCD, which is strange because I have planned my entire career around becoming a clinical psychologist to help others with the disorder. I can read journal articles about it, I can read textbooks about it, but reading real-world accounts scares the hell out of me because there is just something too raw about it. Starting this book and reading from the perspective of a young Lily really threw me off, because that was the time where my OCD was at its worst. There were - and are - so many things I did and still do on a daily basis: checking taps, checking locks, checking the bathroom light when I could see from my bedroom that it was off; thoughts that I hated the people I loved, that I wanted them dead, that something bad would happen to them if I didn't tell them to "stay safe"; tapping my forehead when I get bad thoughts, saluting lone magpies in case I get bad luck, having a bad thought and then retracing my steps and walking the same path again and again until I could do it without having those thoughts; having to reread pages if I stumbled on a word, having to read books out loud to make sure I was saying it right, having to repeat this over and over and over again until I could no longer read; worried I was abusive, worried I was a pervert, worried I was a bad person and deserved bad things to happen for me; feared contamination from snot, from dribble, from lingering dead skin cells; worried I smelled, feared other people's hair touching my skin/clothes/body, refused to do anything in sixes (because six is a bad number).
These are only the obsessions and compulsions I can recall from the top of my head, some from the past and some still very present. I am a lot better now than I used to be, and I like to think that I'm more in charge of my OCD than it is of me. I feel like being able to finish this book is proof of that, as a couple of years ago I think it would have been too triggering. I mean, there were points where I felt triggered and that I felt panic rising within me because I DO THAT TOO, but it was nowhere near as bad as it would have been, say, 7 years ago.
It was hard to read Lily Bailey's experience because, as someone with OCD, I know exactly how bad it can get and how awful it is to be trapped inside of your head like that. However, I think it is absolutely amazing that she has been able to write this memoir, and shows such strength. If you're interested in learning what it's really like to live with OCD, or have OCD yourself and feel ready to try reading about someone else's experience, this is the book for you.
April 4, 2018
4.5
((This review will be short because I'm flippin' speechless))
I have just finished reading this, and I am in awe...
I read it in one sitting. Lily writes beautifully, and honestly, and I couldn't tear my eyes off my Kindle screen.
This book filled me with the same deep sadness that The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath did.
Just heart-rending.
When the blurb talks about Lily's debilitating OCD, it isn't exaggerating. Some parts of this book were really hard to read because Lily was in such obvious pain.
That makes the ending that much more amazing to read.
This book. Just. Wow. I can't even.
Thank you for sharing this, Lily Bailey. It's beautiful.
Thanks to the publishers & Edelweiss for an ARC of this book in exchange for an honest review.
((This review will be short because I'm flippin' speechless))
I have just finished reading this, and I am in awe...
I read it in one sitting. Lily writes beautifully, and honestly, and I couldn't tear my eyes off my Kindle screen.
This book filled me with the same deep sadness that The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath did.
Just heart-rending.
When the blurb talks about Lily's debilitating OCD, it isn't exaggerating. Some parts of this book were really hard to read because Lily was in such obvious pain.
That makes the ending that much more amazing to read.
This book. Just. Wow. I can't even.
Thank you for sharing this, Lily Bailey. It's beautiful.
Thanks to the publishers & Edelweiss for an ARC of this book in exchange for an honest review.
September 16, 2020
When reviewers praise a book as "important and brave," I take this as a red flag, assuming that the book's ideological message is the only justification for its existence. However, even though I tend to bypass books that garner such overused, impersonal adjectives, this book truly is important and brave.
It is important because it fills a gap in mental health literature, chronicling the daily life and immense sufferings of someone struggling with OCD. This disorder has many manifestations, many of which are invisible to the public, and because popular culture has misrepresented OCD so deeply, most people have no idea what it really is. As this author explains, OCD occurs when someone experiences intense, unrelenting intrusive thoughts and tries to neutralize them through a compulsive physical activity or mental reaction. In her case, she was obsessed with the fear of being "bad," and compulsively remembered, categorized, and reviewed her every action that struck her as antisocial, strange, or immoral in some way. The more she obsessed over her behavior and engaged with her compulsions, the worse her condition became, to the point where she attempted suicide and needed hospitalization. The personal nature of this book makes it far more gripping and revealing than a clinical exploration of the disorder, and it clarifies for a very confused world what OCD is and how it affects people, even though this is a particularly extreme case.
This book is also brave, because Lily Bailey has the courage to tell us with no holds barred what life was actually like inside her head. Even when I journal about my OCD, I tend to be vague about some details, and I am NOT going to write a tell-all memoir about the intrusive thoughts that tortured me from ages twelve to nineteen. Ever since I learned that there was a medical explanation for my private hell, I have gone through life with the assurance that other people have similar experiences, but even though I have defeated and extensively researched my OCD, I still feel uncomfortable and inhibited when I talk about it. Lily Bailey is incredibly brave to write so vividly about her intrusive thoughts and her overwhelming fears of every form of badness, and I found it deeply comforting and reassuring to read about travails so similar to what I experienced.
Because I know how much shame OCD can bring, I am amazed by this author's willingness to take complete strangers into the tortured inner workings of her mind. I recommend this book to anyone interested in learning about OCD or mental health in general, because it provides a medically sound and personally intimate account of this particular disorder. This book will illuminate a hidden aspect of human suffering from those who do not have the disorder, and it provides sympathy and understanding to those who have suffered from similar miseries. This book was not yet published when I overcame my OCD, but given how much I enjoyed it in the present, I know that it would have been even more instrumental in my life if it had been available to me earlier.
It is important because it fills a gap in mental health literature, chronicling the daily life and immense sufferings of someone struggling with OCD. This disorder has many manifestations, many of which are invisible to the public, and because popular culture has misrepresented OCD so deeply, most people have no idea what it really is. As this author explains, OCD occurs when someone experiences intense, unrelenting intrusive thoughts and tries to neutralize them through a compulsive physical activity or mental reaction. In her case, she was obsessed with the fear of being "bad," and compulsively remembered, categorized, and reviewed her every action that struck her as antisocial, strange, or immoral in some way. The more she obsessed over her behavior and engaged with her compulsions, the worse her condition became, to the point where she attempted suicide and needed hospitalization. The personal nature of this book makes it far more gripping and revealing than a clinical exploration of the disorder, and it clarifies for a very confused world what OCD is and how it affects people, even though this is a particularly extreme case.
This book is also brave, because Lily Bailey has the courage to tell us with no holds barred what life was actually like inside her head. Even when I journal about my OCD, I tend to be vague about some details, and I am NOT going to write a tell-all memoir about the intrusive thoughts that tortured me from ages twelve to nineteen. Ever since I learned that there was a medical explanation for my private hell, I have gone through life with the assurance that other people have similar experiences, but even though I have defeated and extensively researched my OCD, I still feel uncomfortable and inhibited when I talk about it. Lily Bailey is incredibly brave to write so vividly about her intrusive thoughts and her overwhelming fears of every form of badness, and I found it deeply comforting and reassuring to read about travails so similar to what I experienced.
Because I know how much shame OCD can bring, I am amazed by this author's willingness to take complete strangers into the tortured inner workings of her mind. I recommend this book to anyone interested in learning about OCD or mental health in general, because it provides a medically sound and personally intimate account of this particular disorder. This book will illuminate a hidden aspect of human suffering from those who do not have the disorder, and it provides sympathy and understanding to those who have suffered from similar miseries. This book was not yet published when I overcame my OCD, but given how much I enjoyed it in the present, I know that it would have been even more instrumental in my life if it had been available to me earlier.
March 12, 2017
Because We Are Bad is a devastating memoir where the author actually lived, breathed and believed the title. The book is a chronicle of Lily Bailey’s years spend living with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) from her initial diagnosis as a child through to becoming a young woman. The story is a relatable, first person account of the mental illness and it’s one that should resonate with people who have this disorder as well as helping to dispel some of the misconceptions that are out there.
This book is reminiscent of Emily Reynold’s A Beginner’s Guide to Losing Your Mind. Both volumes are by young, English female journalists and they are honest accounts of their grapples with mental illness. Neither book attempts to romanticise the individual’s respective disorder, instead they attempt to remove the stigmas surrounding it with their brutally honest and forthright accounts.
In Bailey’s case the story is told in the first person along with her complex alter ego (a manifestation of her illness). Bailey recalls the distresses she experienced from early childhood when she was concerned that her sister would come into harm or even die if she failed to check up on her. These ideas became obtrusive thoughts that were repeated to the point of becoming an elaborate system consisting of actual rituals.
Lily spent a lot of time ruminating over negative thoughts. She would worry that she had poor personal hygiene and that people hated her or thought she was a pervert. She collected these ideas and constantly thought about the first letters of each word relating to these things. Bailey’s struggles escalated and became a silent battle that plagued her day and night to the point that it became a crippling disease.
Because We Are Bad may be a raw and heart-breaking read but it’s also a hopeful one. Bailey is now a successful model and journalist and hopefully readers can take away and learn from the things that helped her. In Bailey’s case this was cognitive behaviour therapy, which included response prevention and exposure as well as medication and group therapy. Because We Are Bad shows the inner turbulent life of a vulnerable young woman who has OCD and it also proves that people do not need to be alone in their mental health struggles. By reading such accounts we can all have a more realistic view of what the individuals with these diseases experience so that we can all get real about mental illness and the way it impacts life.
This book is reminiscent of Emily Reynold’s A Beginner’s Guide to Losing Your Mind. Both volumes are by young, English female journalists and they are honest accounts of their grapples with mental illness. Neither book attempts to romanticise the individual’s respective disorder, instead they attempt to remove the stigmas surrounding it with their brutally honest and forthright accounts.
In Bailey’s case the story is told in the first person along with her complex alter ego (a manifestation of her illness). Bailey recalls the distresses she experienced from early childhood when she was concerned that her sister would come into harm or even die if she failed to check up on her. These ideas became obtrusive thoughts that were repeated to the point of becoming an elaborate system consisting of actual rituals.
Lily spent a lot of time ruminating over negative thoughts. She would worry that she had poor personal hygiene and that people hated her or thought she was a pervert. She collected these ideas and constantly thought about the first letters of each word relating to these things. Bailey’s struggles escalated and became a silent battle that plagued her day and night to the point that it became a crippling disease.
Because We Are Bad may be a raw and heart-breaking read but it’s also a hopeful one. Bailey is now a successful model and journalist and hopefully readers can take away and learn from the things that helped her. In Bailey’s case this was cognitive behaviour therapy, which included response prevention and exposure as well as medication and group therapy. Because We Are Bad shows the inner turbulent life of a vulnerable young woman who has OCD and it also proves that people do not need to be alone in their mental health struggles. By reading such accounts we can all have a more realistic view of what the individuals with these diseases experience so that we can all get real about mental illness and the way it impacts life.
July 15, 2017
Lily Bailey is a young British writer and model.
Lily Bailey is pretty and funny.
Lily Bailey also has a secret: she used to have an imaginary friend who didn't have a name, who would, under an amicable disguise, control her thoughts and stub out any of her attempt to enjoy life like a normal human being.
Lily Bailey has Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, known as OCD.
I started reading this bewitching, gut-wrenching, highly instructive and most importantly, insanely funny memoir after the 'incident' where I left the house one morning, not fully remembering whether or not I have turned off the portable fan heater. Images of the place being engulfed in wolfish fire kept popping up in my head 'like unwanted dinner guests' and how am I going to afford the rehabilitation anyways? I started to panic and spent the entire afternoon worrying myself half to death. I have had OCD symptoms sporadically ever since I was a young kid. For example, if I'm to leave my place unattended over night, I would lock the door and turn the doorknob on the other side several times with full strength till the physical discomfort felt by my hand gets registered so that if I can't really remember (if my brain cunningly tells me I've forgotten) whether or not I have locked the door, I can then say 'ah, but my hand did hurt. The physical discomfort was real. Therefore the door is locked and nobody will come in and read my private diaries. But is it?' Or when I throw a cigarette butt into a street bin, I would somehow convince myself that I didn't fully extinguish the cigarrette and the bin will eventually be caught on fire. I would every now and then be browsing through news websites to see if there has been any report on a potential pyromaniac threatening to destroy the tranquility of the suburban life in so-and-so area and waiting for policemen to knock on my door. So these are some of my OCD moments and I know for a fact that it can get nasty and you don't want to live with it.
It is with this (limited) knowledge that I have about OCD that I started reading this book and was soon surprised that the author's daily experiences are so utterly different from this knowledge. I can relate to the topic, yet find myself dealing with a previously unheard of side of this topic and expanding my pre-existing knowledge of it. PERFECT! To be frank, if this book goes on and on about having to check things multiple times and how annoying to always worry about unlocked doors and fully operating heaters, I would probably get bored and blame myself for always purchasing books with sensational titles. In fact, Lily Bailey's childhood and adolescent years weren't just a little inconvenient, her OCD was so severe and debilitating that she was practically living in hell! Convinced by the idea of being a bad person, she would make lists of things she has previouslty done wrong in her head and sort them into categories before fully evaluating and analysizing which actions can be excused and which can't and therefore must avoid making in the future. If this doesn't sound crazy enough, she would always assume people hold a negative view of her being a pervert, a paedophile, an unhygenic bitch. (How did she even survive and end up delivering such a beautiful book?!) Despite bearing a grim subject, Lily Bailey's whimsical sense of humour shines through her writing beautifully and hence approaching and re-telling her rather tragic life experiences in a surprising and refreshing direction. This is not a memoir packed with endless complaints fuelled by a low self-esteem (um...no thanks); this is a FAP memoir that can be summerised in her style as follows:
FUNNY: This book is just so goddamn funny. It makes you laugh your head off uncontrollably (while certainly at one point towards the end, making your eyes a little damp as well). Will the readers think it is written by a pathetic foolish clown who knows nothing but to make herself the butt of jokes? Certainly not. It takes serious talents to approach such a gloomy topic with a lightheartedness that also possesses the power to teach.
ACCESSIBLE: Apart from mentioning the function of obssessions and compulsions, this book does not mention anything scentific. It does not at all focus dissecting the human brain and telling the readers which part of the brain triggers people's torturous obssessions over the idea of getting HIV or having possibly sexually assaulted a child. Does this make the author a scientific ignoramus who doesn't even have the ability to explain a mental illness that she suffers on javascript:;a daily basis? Certainly not. This book is greatly accessible to people even if you haven't obtained a degree in neroscience. It only serves a purpose that couldn't be simpler: to tell us what it feels like to live with OCD. (mind you, it is not to be equated to a fussy or paranoid disposition)
PHILOSOPHICAL: It ends with a powerful statement, a statement that has helped her escape, however temporarily, the torments of her condition, a statement that can apply to not just people sufferring from OCD, but each one of us. That it is not true that we exist because we are bad, but because we just aren't so perfect. Does this make the author seem like a potentious smartass who is only capable of writing clichés? Certainly not. Most of us tend to spend time mulling over stupid or not so stupid things we can done and we cringe: Why did I say that at the party? Why did I offer to sing a song at the school assembly and embarass myself in front of a hundred people? Why did my hair look so stupid in this photo? The truth is, we cannot undo what we have done and so we may as well just forget about it, live in the moment and be mindful while our mind is not too full (of magic thinking).
It could've been much more wicked if my summary of the book is FAB and I just can't think of any synonym for philosophical that starts with the letter B. Does it really matter? Life doesn't always go as planned and that's why life is so mysterious, delicious and fun. That's what I learned from this memoir.
April 20, 2018
I just finished this book and am speechless. Parenting a child with OCD has given me insights into this disease, but this stunning memoir underscored just how debilitating and destructive this illness can be. The author is inspiring and resilient and shares her story with brutal honesty that is sometimes very hard to read.
OCD is a mental illness that is often made fun of and grossly misunderstood. It is thought of by many to be a personality quirk and not a crippling mental illness. This book so poignantly shows how the disease completely overtakes people's lives. The author invites you into her shattered mind, but leaves you with hope in the end.
I highly recommend this one.
OCD is a mental illness that is often made fun of and grossly misunderstood. It is thought of by many to be a personality quirk and not a crippling mental illness. This book so poignantly shows how the disease completely overtakes people's lives. The author invites you into her shattered mind, but leaves you with hope in the end.
I highly recommend this one.
November 25, 2016
A devastatingly honest account of living with OCD. There are a lot of misconceptions around the condition, some of which I held myself but this book has shed light on it. It is endearingly written with a dash of humour but it nonetheless faces the uglier side of OCD head on without sugar coating anything.
I'd recommend this to anyone as the best way to gain insight into the reality of suffering with OCD, or any mental illness.
I'd recommend this to anyone as the best way to gain insight into the reality of suffering with OCD, or any mental illness.
July 3, 2017
I think I wasn't fully aware of the fact that I have OCD (albeit not as severe as Lily Bailey's) until I read this book. I devoured it, and was shocked especially by the first 50 pages, to read about the sort of behaviours I had as a young person, described perfectly on the page. I think this would be interesting for anyone to read and to understand what OCD actually is, and that it's not as simple as chilling out and not washing your hands too much.
February 4, 2024
(Evelyne je vais pouvoir te redonner ton livre)
September 20, 2024
I’ve read a handful of books with OCD representation. None have felt as stunningly familiar as this memoir. If you’re curious what it’s like to live with OCD, this is a solid start.
May 15, 2024
Holy shit, what a book. If you have OCD or have a loved one with OCD, please read this. 6/5 stars
August 3, 2018
This memoir was so engaging and hard to put down, it felt a little voyeuristic. It made me feel less bad that the author clearly intended this to be an engaging read. The chapters were short and snappy. They often ended on a cliff hanger. I constantly wanted to find out what happened next and devoured this book in only two sittings. The author also wrote about her experiences in an evocative way. Not having shared her experience of having OCD, I felt she helped me understand better what that’s like. I never found her behavior inexplicable. She shared what she was feeling – fear for her little sister, for example – so vividly that I was right there with her. Something I thought was particularly effective was when she described a delusion as though at were real, only sharing with the reader that the events were imagined as she came to that realization herself.
Note that in the next paragraph, there are spoilers about the tone of the ending. Feel free to skip.
Blah, blah, giving you some time to run from the spoilers, since on my blog there no spoiler tags…
Ok, here we go…
This review first published at Doing Dewey.
Note that in the next paragraph, there are spoilers about the tone of the ending. Feel free to skip.
Blah, blah, giving you some time to run from the spoilers, since on my blog there no spoiler tags…
Ok, here we go…
This review first published at Doing Dewey.
January 7, 2022
This book really shows how the OCD mind can work or not work, maybe. How it is still not understood by so called professionals. But I would say it is a very tough read and I think maybe not when you are first grappling with OCD. But hugely useful if you work or have family members with it, I now understand why my son turns up incredibly late and is mentally somewhere else. I enjoyed her description of her nursery school job; the dreadful monitor all learning and meet targets culture that has pervaded our educational system. And the Priory does not come out at all well, it seems its treatment is as negligent as an inpatient NHS unit but very much more expensive. I love her relationship with Dr Finch, her falling in love, transference, and then rejecting and when she meets the incompetent treatment in the Priory, returning and I would say succeeding as far as you can with OCD. There is clearly still far too much ignorance amongst professionals. But it is difficult because exposure therapy means pushing someone to go far beyond a comfort zone. If they are not on board, it is probably almost impossible. I loved her parents’ reactions, impatient father, ever there and presumably enormously stressed mother and the fact that one chance remark can become an all encompassing trigger. Dr Finch talks about how isolation exacerbates the condition, but when it is bad, you will be isolated and not able to take part in school or work. And lockdown has presumably added to this.
February 7, 2019
I really liked this memoir. I don’t think I had read any personal accounts of OCD before (and didn’t know much about it, truthfully) and Ms. Bailey painted a picture of how truly incapacitating it can be.
June 5, 2018
Wow, what a read. If you have dealt with OCD, know someone with OCD, or just want to know more about it. Read this. Very well done. The way she writes this book really makes you feel the torment one feels through thought. I have read many books on this topic and a lot of times I feel like the torment doesn't come across like it should. She hit the nail on the head here. There are points when you are annoyed in this book.. but in a good way because it means she got her point across.
This book definitely has Girl Interrupted vibes at times. Which I love.
If you love learning about mental illness and psychology I recommend this. Great read.
This book definitely has Girl Interrupted vibes at times. Which I love.
If you love learning about mental illness and psychology I recommend this. Great read.
July 2, 2017
My teen son has severe OCD. I have read a number of great books about it but this is one of my favourites because it's written from the view of the sufferer. It gives great insight and perspective, with wit and humour that made me want to keep reading to see where the author's lively narrative would take us next. I enjoyed her anger disguised in sarcasm. I sympathised with her as a small child. I felt her frustration as a young adult and her pain when she felt she couldn't do it anymore. The strong will she showed in her determination to recover is inspiring. This is a great book!
January 31, 2021
Great to find an honest account of life with OCD. This is a "must read" for anyone needing to understand just how debillatating this disorder is. It has caused havoc in my own family's life and there are a few judgemental people I would like to hand this to so they can see what it is really like to live with this. It's not just a matter of being a bit tidy or whatever. Lily i think you are amazing putting this out there and I just hope that you are doing better now and happy in life. Thank you for your honesty and bravery.
October 20, 2018
This is phenomenal. This book has a personal connotation for me. For me, this is my favourite read of the year. Stunningly written. There’s not much else for me to say, other than thank you to Lily Bailey for highlighting OCD in this way.
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