What do you think?
Rate this book
Living an Examined Life: Wisdom for the Second Half of the Journey
How do you define "growing up"? Does it mean you achieve certain cultural benchmarks--a steady income, paying taxes, marriage, and children? Or does it mean leaving behind the expectations of others and growing into the person you were meant to be? If you find yourself in a career, place, relationship, or crisis you never foresaw and that seems at odds with your beliefs about who you are, it means your soul is calling on you to reexamine your path.
With Living an Examined Life, James Hollis o?ers an essential guidebook for anyone at a crossroads in life Here this acclaimed author guides you through 21 areas for self-inquiry and growth--such as how to exorcise the ghosts of your past, when to choose meaning over happiness, how to construct a mature spirituality, and how to seize permission to be who you really are With his trademark eloquence and insight, Dr. Hollis o?ers a potent resource you'll return to time and again to energize and inspire you on your journey to create a life of personal authority, integrity, and fulfillment.
With Living an Examined Life, James Hollis o?ers an essential guidebook for anyone at a crossroads in life Here this acclaimed author guides you through 21 areas for self-inquiry and growth--such as how to exorcise the ghosts of your past, when to choose meaning over happiness, how to construct a mature spirituality, and how to seize permission to be who you really are With his trademark eloquence and insight, Dr. Hollis o?ers a potent resource you'll return to time and again to energize and inspire you on your journey to create a life of personal authority, integrity, and fulfillment.
162 pages, Kindle Edition
First published February 1, 2018
495 people are currently reading
2513 people want to read
About the author
James Hollis
58 books955 followersJames Hollis, Ph. D., was born in Springfield, Illinois, and graduated from Manchester University in 1962 and Drew University in 1967. He taught Humanities 26 years in various colleges and universities before retraining as a Jungian analyst at the Jung Institute of Zurich, Switzerland (1977-82). He is presently a licensed Jungian analyst in private practice in Washington, D.C. He served as Executive Director of the Jung Educational Center in Houston, Texas for many years and now was Executive Director of the Jung Society of Washington until 2019, and now serves on the JSW Board of Directors. He is a retired Senior Training Analyst for the Inter-Regional Society of Jungian Analysts, was first Director of Training of the Philadelphia Jung Institute, and is Vice-President Emeritus of the Philemon Foundation. Additionally he is a Professor of Jungian Studies for Saybrook University of San Francisco/Houston.
He lives with his wife Jill, an artist and retired therapist, in Washington, DC. Together they have three living children and eight grand-children.
He has written a total of seventeen books, which have been translated into Swedish, Russian, German, Spanish, French, Hungarian, Portuguese, Turkish, Italian, Korean, Finnish, Romanian, Bulgarian, Farsi, Japanese, Greek, Chinese, Serbian, Latvian, Ukranian and Czech.
He lives with his wife Jill, an artist and retired therapist, in Washington, DC. Together they have three living children and eight grand-children.
He has written a total of seventeen books, which have been translated into Swedish, Russian, German, Spanish, French, Hungarian, Portuguese, Turkish, Italian, Korean, Finnish, Romanian, Bulgarian, Farsi, Japanese, Greek, Chinese, Serbian, Latvian, Ukranian and Czech.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 159 reviews
September 20, 2021
A life time of wisdom by the Jungian Therapist and teacher James Hollis boiled down into twenty-one short essays - one to read each day (and re-read) and contemplate on. At the beginning, I was reluctant to follow his advice and not to race ahead - because it is exhilarating to have complex thoughts made so clear. However, I am glad that I took my time to meditate on each idea, give it time to breath and apply the lessons to my own life. The twenty-one days became like a personal retreat or an extended period of therapy. I was grateful for his candor - explaining his own struggles - and that he was still writing (in his mid seventies) shining a light for everybody into the journey ahead. With Hollis as a guide, growing old is a little less frightening and a whole lot more inspiring.
So what is the central message? We are born twice. The first when we leave our mother's womb and the second on realising we are in charge of our life and have to the courage to be ourselves (and thereby become a true adult). It sounds easy enough but we have strong messages from our parents, whispers from our ancestors and din from the toms toms of our culture and zeitgeist. We learned early on that trying out who we were in the world prompted negative reactions and we adapted, curbed our desires, tried to fit in or hide. We imagined the big people knew what they are doing and if we followed their rules - study hard, get a good job and assume their values and priorities - that everything would be fine. Unfortunately, many of the big people are still living the scripts handed down by their parents or following values from a different time (where the original wisdoms have become ossified and meaningless by repetition). They are distracting themselves with twenty four hours a day of shiny bright things on the internet or the business of modern life. They are also self-medicating with short-term pleasures, alcohol, drugs and other addictive behaviours.
Of course we need INSIGHT (and I have plenty of that) but, he says we need COURAGE and ENDURANCE because every morning we wake up with the twin evils of FEAR and SLOTH at the end of our bed. I found this incredibly helpful. The fear is that I am small and the world is big and dangerous. Sloth is that I can put off this task until tomorrow, it's warm in bed and I can pull up the covers (and distract or medicate with a treat like cake). However, we have to show up each day and do the best to honour our journey (not the one that anybody else is following).
Keeping a journal over the last three years has shown me two things:
1. Just how anxious I am all the time (but I hid it so well from myself - partly by keeping my life safe and small and partly by the distractions of working hard and trying to be happy).
2. Just how much I want to fit in and get other people's approval. No wonder fear and sloth are such powerful enemies because, as Hollis says, they are evil twins who are eating our souls.
It is the idea of a soul that I both instinctively get and struggle against. It is not the Christian concept - although this is part of it - but more that each of us has our small mosaic to contribute to the bigger glorious picture of life. It is also a body of inner wisdom that we can draw on to judge whether something is right for us or not. It is something that will protest if we are living the wrong life - through dreams or acted out by mental health problems.
Sadly most of us don't want to listen to our souls - because it is often the opposite of an easy life and someone is bound to try and squash us back into the old path. We don't want to take control of our own lives - but remain a half adult doing what our boss, our parents, our priest, our politicians and all 'right thinking' people tell us. Normally it takes a crisis - what Hollis would call a summons - to make us wake up, take charge of our life and become a true adult. For me, the summons was the death of my first partner when I was thirty-seven, for many of my clients it is their partner's affair when all the pleasing myths about love, soul partner are striped away and they have to face the largeness of life.
I can't do justice to Hollis' ideas or his eloquence but you get an idea from some of the titles of his daily mediations: What gift have you been holding back from the world? Choose meaning over happiness. Exorcise the ghosts of the past that bind you. Bestow love on the unlovable parts of yourself. Live the questions not the answers.
As you have probably guessed, I can't praise this book too highly. I have started to recommend it to my clients. (I already share a couple of his other titles.) I look forward to seeing what they get out of it. Whatever happens, I will try and show up to their sessions - and my life - with COURAGE and ENDURANCE.
I have also interviewed James for my podcast 'The Meaningful Life'. He speaks as well as he writes and we talk about this book in the wide-reaching discussion. https://themeaningfullife.podbean.com...
So what is the central message? We are born twice. The first when we leave our mother's womb and the second on realising we are in charge of our life and have to the courage to be ourselves (and thereby become a true adult). It sounds easy enough but we have strong messages from our parents, whispers from our ancestors and din from the toms toms of our culture and zeitgeist. We learned early on that trying out who we were in the world prompted negative reactions and we adapted, curbed our desires, tried to fit in or hide. We imagined the big people knew what they are doing and if we followed their rules - study hard, get a good job and assume their values and priorities - that everything would be fine. Unfortunately, many of the big people are still living the scripts handed down by their parents or following values from a different time (where the original wisdoms have become ossified and meaningless by repetition). They are distracting themselves with twenty four hours a day of shiny bright things on the internet or the business of modern life. They are also self-medicating with short-term pleasures, alcohol, drugs and other addictive behaviours.
Of course we need INSIGHT (and I have plenty of that) but, he says we need COURAGE and ENDURANCE because every morning we wake up with the twin evils of FEAR and SLOTH at the end of our bed. I found this incredibly helpful. The fear is that I am small and the world is big and dangerous. Sloth is that I can put off this task until tomorrow, it's warm in bed and I can pull up the covers (and distract or medicate with a treat like cake). However, we have to show up each day and do the best to honour our journey (not the one that anybody else is following).
Keeping a journal over the last three years has shown me two things:
1. Just how anxious I am all the time (but I hid it so well from myself - partly by keeping my life safe and small and partly by the distractions of working hard and trying to be happy).
2. Just how much I want to fit in and get other people's approval. No wonder fear and sloth are such powerful enemies because, as Hollis says, they are evil twins who are eating our souls.
It is the idea of a soul that I both instinctively get and struggle against. It is not the Christian concept - although this is part of it - but more that each of us has our small mosaic to contribute to the bigger glorious picture of life. It is also a body of inner wisdom that we can draw on to judge whether something is right for us or not. It is something that will protest if we are living the wrong life - through dreams or acted out by mental health problems.
Sadly most of us don't want to listen to our souls - because it is often the opposite of an easy life and someone is bound to try and squash us back into the old path. We don't want to take control of our own lives - but remain a half adult doing what our boss, our parents, our priest, our politicians and all 'right thinking' people tell us. Normally it takes a crisis - what Hollis would call a summons - to make us wake up, take charge of our life and become a true adult. For me, the summons was the death of my first partner when I was thirty-seven, for many of my clients it is their partner's affair when all the pleasing myths about love, soul partner are striped away and they have to face the largeness of life.
I can't do justice to Hollis' ideas or his eloquence but you get an idea from some of the titles of his daily mediations: What gift have you been holding back from the world? Choose meaning over happiness. Exorcise the ghosts of the past that bind you. Bestow love on the unlovable parts of yourself. Live the questions not the answers.
As you have probably guessed, I can't praise this book too highly. I have started to recommend it to my clients. (I already share a couple of his other titles.) I look forward to seeing what they get out of it. Whatever happens, I will try and show up to their sessions - and my life - with COURAGE and ENDURANCE.
I have also interviewed James for my podcast 'The Meaningful Life'. He speaks as well as he writes and we talk about this book in the wide-reaching discussion. https://themeaningfullife.podbean.com...
March 18, 2019
So the book is: "You should follow your heart, but you don't because of the pressures from others, but you really should." That is the book but over and over again for 124 pages.
It was actually inspiring for the first few chapters, but later on it really doesn't add up anything new and becomes annoying at times. It could have been good and useful book, but what is really missing is going any deeper and exploring what the author really means, how person can actually explore what his true values are, some examples, cases, or questions to ask yourself. Instead we get the same ideas over and over again that are so abstract that they are barely useful in actually examining one's life.
It was actually inspiring for the first few chapters, but later on it really doesn't add up anything new and becomes annoying at times. It could have been good and useful book, but what is really missing is going any deeper and exploring what the author really means, how person can actually explore what his true values are, some examples, cases, or questions to ask yourself. Instead we get the same ideas over and over again that are so abstract that they are barely useful in actually examining one's life.
January 21, 2019
It's a great book. James Hollis's writing style is like a caring wise uncle, who is encouraging you to live your life to the fullest, take an ownership of every action that is happening in your life and saying that it is scary, but you'll be able to make it through.
I enjoyed the book. I think it's one of those book that you can re-read a few times in your life - especially during a crisis, when you lost direction or don't know if you can make it - and every time find different sections speaking to you more or less.
It's a book of hope.
I enjoyed the book. I think it's one of those book that you can re-read a few times in your life - especially during a crisis, when you lost direction or don't know if you can make it - and every time find different sections speaking to you more or less.
It's a book of hope.
September 3, 2018
Dr. James Hollis wrote a blurb for my forthcoming short story collection. That said, I had contacted him after reading Living An Examined Life. In the book, Dr. Hollis argues that we are free to choose to become the person we believe we are and want to be. I will, I'm certain, be forever considering his insights into how we can become consciously engaged with those fears and other pre-dispositions that stand in our way, and affect change in our lives.
May 26, 2023
This book has short chapters that challenge you and your systems in life. I think reading through this a couple times a year would be greatly beneficial. Just go ahead and read it; you'll thank me later.
March 30, 2021
"we seldom solve problems, but we can outgrow them.” Jung
Basically read Jung, three quarters of the book is quoting him and expounding on his thoughts.
Then there's some pop psychology thrown in for good measure. "follow your heart. Don't let others stop you from doing that." That's 90% of this book. There's occasionally good advice here, but that's typically straight from Jung. Its not a bad book, its just overly simplistic, and kind of 'woo woo'.
“The one thing parents can do for their children is live their lives as fully as they can, for this will open the children’s imagination, grant permission to them to have their own journey, and open the doors of possibility for them. Wherever we are stuck, they will have a tendency to be stuck also or will spend their life trying to overcompensate. Living our own journey as fully as possible is not only a gift to our soul, it also frees up the generation behind us to live theirs as well. The very freedom to live our lives that we wished from our parents, we thereby grant to our children to live theirs.”
Basically read Jung, three quarters of the book is quoting him and expounding on his thoughts.
Then there's some pop psychology thrown in for good measure. "follow your heart. Don't let others stop you from doing that." That's 90% of this book. There's occasionally good advice here, but that's typically straight from Jung. Its not a bad book, its just overly simplistic, and kind of 'woo woo'.
“The one thing parents can do for their children is live their lives as fully as they can, for this will open the children’s imagination, grant permission to them to have their own journey, and open the doors of possibility for them. Wherever we are stuck, they will have a tendency to be stuck also or will spend their life trying to overcompensate. Living our own journey as fully as possible is not only a gift to our soul, it also frees up the generation behind us to live theirs as well. The very freedom to live our lives that we wished from our parents, we thereby grant to our children to live theirs.”
February 14, 2025
3.5 stars not to be rounded to 4 !
This is an interesting book. It’s a short reflection on how to live your “authentic” life.
The good parts were that it felt genuine and that there were concepts explored in the book that I actually liked. Another good aspect is that it drew from psychology ( mainly Jung ), Buddhism ( spirituality ) and what felt like a mindfulness-love-your-self-modern sort of vibe.
Things I didn’t like were the fact that it managed to be repetitive in chapters and within the chapter. I got bored reading a book that is less than 150 pages.
All in all, nice read! I did find some paragraphs and pages really good. But it’s not a book that I would re-read. And maybe won’t recommend to anyone who’s not interested in jungian psychoanalysis.
This is an interesting book. It’s a short reflection on how to live your “authentic” life.
The good parts were that it felt genuine and that there were concepts explored in the book that I actually liked. Another good aspect is that it drew from psychology ( mainly Jung ), Buddhism ( spirituality ) and what felt like a mindfulness-love-your-self-modern sort of vibe.
Things I didn’t like were the fact that it managed to be repetitive in chapters and within the chapter. I got bored reading a book that is less than 150 pages.
All in all, nice read! I did find some paragraphs and pages really good. But it’s not a book that I would re-read. And maybe won’t recommend to anyone who’s not interested in jungian psychoanalysis.
February 10, 2018
This just doesn't do it for me. There seems to be some good advice in here but it is buried beneath all the big academic words and psychoanalytic vocabulary. This is probably better for those more enthused by scholastic writings.
I voluntarily read an advanced review copy provided by the publisher via Netgalley and I offer my honest opinion in response.
I voluntarily read an advanced review copy provided by the publisher via Netgalley and I offer my honest opinion in response.
January 7, 2021
سخته خلاصه بخوام برای این کتاب بگم.
بیشتر این کتاب به مسائل روانشناختی بزرگشدن میپردازه و حرف اصلیش که بارها تکرار میکنه اینه که باید به حرف درونیمون بیشتر گوش کنیم.
معمولا با توجیهات، مشغولشدن به چیزهای کماهمیت و بیحس کردن خودمون سعی در فراموشی سخنهایی میکنیم که درونمون بهمون میگه و این باعث میشه که به بیماریهای روانی مختلفی دچار بشیم( با شدت کم و زیاد).
نویسنده هم که مال مکتب یونگ هست.
یه کتاب دیگه از این نویسنده هم خونده بودم و به نظر کتاب هاش جوریان که باید هر از چند گاهی یه بار از اول خونده بشن تا یه سری حرفها به آدم یادآوری بشه.
بیشتر این کتاب به مسائل روانشناختی بزرگشدن میپردازه و حرف اصلیش که بارها تکرار میکنه اینه که باید به حرف درونیمون بیشتر گوش کنیم.
معمولا با توجیهات، مشغولشدن به چیزهای کماهمیت و بیحس کردن خودمون سعی در فراموشی سخنهایی میکنیم که درونمون بهمون میگه و این باعث میشه که به بیماریهای روانی مختلفی دچار بشیم( با شدت کم و زیاد).
نویسنده هم که مال مکتب یونگ هست.
یه کتاب دیگه از این نویسنده هم خونده بودم و به نظر کتاب هاش جوریان که باید هر از چند گاهی یه بار از اول خونده بشن تا یه سری حرفها به آدم یادآوری بشه.
September 23, 2025
Who am I? Who are you? What is this about and where are we heading?
June 25, 2024
Easy read, some good gems. Chapters are hit and miss depending on what applies, but definitely something you can revisit at different points in life. Walking away with good advice and frames of mind, but nothing life changing.
Not a book I’d pick to read on my own, but my Dad read it in his book group and wanted me to read it. Was more interesting through the lens of him liking it and recommending. I liked to imagine what was going through his head when reading.
Not a book I’d pick to read on my own, but my Dad read it in his book group and wanted me to read it. Was more interesting through the lens of him liking it and recommending. I liked to imagine what was going through his head when reading.
October 6, 2024
This read like an academic paper in the bad sense, as though a sleep deprived student desperately paraphrasing half understood ideas the night before the paper is due wrote it. Read 4 chapters and the ineptitude became too much
February 18, 2025
After watching an interview with James Hollis on the Huberman Podcast I was sure that I need to read one of his books.
I chose this one and it exceeded my expectations. Having passion and willingness to grow in everyday life isn't always easy, and this books helped me understand why and how can I dissolve those blocks that sometimes prevent me from doing so.
Here are a few extracts from the summary that I created that reflect the most important messages for me:
The path to individuation - serving our true selves - requires overcoming fears and societal expectations. It’s about showing up authentically, despite obstacles, and contributing our unique gifts to the world. Ultimately, honoring our soul's purpose transforms suffering into meaningful growth.
Think of jobs as the breadwinner, duties as our societal glue, and callings as the fire in our souls.
Living authentically means confronting our fears and stepping into our true journey, despite the resistance from our past and societal expectations.
Living the examined life isn't about sidelining fun—it's about diving deep into the questions that truly matter.
Meaning is our soul's top priority. Ignoring it leads to burnout and emptiness, but harnessing our inner energy with purpose can transform mundane routines into extraordinary journeys.
The examined life isn't about having all the answers. It's about the courage to live with big questions, ensuring our lives are driven by the magnitude of our souls.
All in all the book had a very positive impact on me, and reminded me that thinking deeply about our own behavior, thoughts and beliefs are critical for our own well-being.
The whole summary is available here in English and Spanish: Living an Examined Life by James Hollis | Snippex
I chose this one and it exceeded my expectations. Having passion and willingness to grow in everyday life isn't always easy, and this books helped me understand why and how can I dissolve those blocks that sometimes prevent me from doing so.
Here are a few extracts from the summary that I created that reflect the most important messages for me:
The path to individuation - serving our true selves - requires overcoming fears and societal expectations. It’s about showing up authentically, despite obstacles, and contributing our unique gifts to the world. Ultimately, honoring our soul's purpose transforms suffering into meaningful growth.
Think of jobs as the breadwinner, duties as our societal glue, and callings as the fire in our souls.
Living authentically means confronting our fears and stepping into our true journey, despite the resistance from our past and societal expectations.
Living the examined life isn't about sidelining fun—it's about diving deep into the questions that truly matter.
Meaning is our soul's top priority. Ignoring it leads to burnout and emptiness, but harnessing our inner energy with purpose can transform mundane routines into extraordinary journeys.
The examined life isn't about having all the answers. It's about the courage to live with big questions, ensuring our lives are driven by the magnitude of our souls.
All in all the book had a very positive impact on me, and reminded me that thinking deeply about our own behavior, thoughts and beliefs are critical for our own well-being.
The whole summary is available here in English and Spanish: Living an Examined Life by James Hollis | Snippex
May 3, 2025
Wisdom tidbits along the lines of Joseph Campbell.
March 26, 2024
Four stars for the concepts, one star for the execution which rounds out to a weak three stars. Hollis repeats himself a lot. I'm talking word for word, repeating paragraphs. Several times I got confused and had to double check that my Kindle hadn't accidentally jumped back to a previous page. He tells the reader in the introduction to only read one chapter at a time. I guess in the hopes that the reader won't notice this cut and paste situation going on? I'm all for reading self help books slowly in order to let the messages sink in. His chapters were very short and there were a lot of them so I read about 4 or 5 a day. Someone was waiting for the library book. I couldn't renew so needed to get it finished.
I am not a Jungian. I checked this book out because my book club recently read Jung's Red Book and I thought reading a book by a Jungian psychiatrist might help me understand Jung's concepts better. It did. I have a better grasp now of Jung's theories. Do I agree with all of them? Eh. The whole "your parents are responsible for all your issues" gets old. Hollis does say that you are not an adult until you understand that you yourself are responsible for your life's trajectory and not anyone else. But your parents are responsible for your neuroses? I don't quite understand. Maybe he means you yourself are responsible for combating your neuroses?
I googled Hollis's age because a lot of his comments about generational differences seemed off to me. I couldn't find his exact year of birth. He received his undergraduate degree in 1962 so born around 1940? Hollis is elderly, my parents generation, so a lot of his conversations about noting how your parents were raised in a different milieu seemed out of date. Hollis was part of the Silent Generation though in his writings he seems to relate more to Baby Boomers. I would guess his parents were born at the dawn of the twentieth century? Yes, every generation is different than the next but I think the gap between the Greatest Generation(1900-1927) and the Boomers (1945- 1964) is a much huger gap than between subsequent generations in terms of the culture they were raised in. I had to take all of these examples with a grain of salt.
Hollis does have a lot of great helpful points and I do want to remember them and implement those ideas into my life.
On my Kindle, I highlighted out the wazoo. Here are some of them so I can later on remember what the heck this book was saying.
we seldom solve problems, but we can outgrow them.
The first half of life, at least for most of us, is essentially a giant, unavoidable mistake. When well-meaning parents ask, "What can I do to spare my child the disappointments and disasters of life?" | respond, "You can do little, if anything, because they have to try out their lives, make those mistakes, and learn whatever they can from them." In time, such painful experience becomes the smithy in which a more authentic journey becomes possible
The second half of life occurs when people, for whatever reason - death of partner, end of marriage, illness, retirement, whatever - are obliged to radically consider who they are apart from their history, their roles, and their commitments.
We become too often a servant of our environment, given our need to fit in, receive the approval of others, stay out of harm's way. A familiar proverb in Japan declares, "It is the protruding nail that gets hammered." In the face of such power, what child does not begin to adopt the prejudices of his family and tribe, fear the alien values of others, and stick close to home in almost every way?
The power of the unconscious cannot be underestimated. Our ego consciousness - namely, who we think we are, or what we believe real - is at best a thin wafer floating on an iridescent sea.
Our life begins twice:the day we are born and the day we accept the radical existential fact that our life, for all its delimiting factors, is essentially ours to choose. The moment when step into that accountability, we take on the power of choice. The choice is ours, and if we are not exercising that choice, someone else is choosing for us - the splintered personalities of our complexes, the perseverating voices of our ancestors, the noisy din of our cultural tom-toms.
Life's two biggest threats we carry within: fear and lethargy. Fear says, "The world is too big for you, too much. You are not up to it. Find a way to slip-slide away again today." The one named Lethargy says, "Hey, chill out. You've had a hard day Turn on the telly, surf the internet, have some chocolate. Tomorrow's another day." These perverse twins munch on our souls every day. No matter what we do today, they will turn up again tomorrow. More energy is spent on managing fear through unreflective compliance and avoidance than anything else.
Drowning in distractions, palliated by simple solutions, and lulled by patronizing authorities, we can sleep our life away and never awaken to the summons of the soul that resounds within each of us.
The moment we say, "I am responsible, I am accountable, I have to deal with this," is the day we grow up, at least until the next time, the next regression, the next evasion.
We are all susceptible to the idea that we have more to handle than others or that others are
better equipped than we for life's journey. All of us have the same fears, the same seductive lethargy, and the same capacity for avoiding growing up.
there is within all of us the choice to remain within the predictable, the safe, the familiar, even the miserable, thinking it preferable to the uncertainty of the unknown.
Freud identified what he called "the repetition compulsion." the drive within us to replicate the old, even if it is painful and leads us to predictable but familiar dead ends.
Letting go of the old is much more difficult than we think. We believe we do so by redecorating our homes, taking a different kind of vacation, even swapping relational partners, but the replicative patterns remain. The only constant presence in every scene of that long-running soap opera we call our life is us.
Those who want the "good old days," who "want their country back," are really wishing (a) that their once-privileged position be ratified and reified and (b) that the anxiety of ambiguity be treated with the anodyne of "certainty," "received authority," and "traditional values."
Adlai Stevenson once observed that the moral measure of a nation is how it treats its least advantaged citizens. We may add a corollary: the moral measure of a culture is found in the degree to which individuals & groups can tolerate ambiguity and change and how open they can be to the otherness of others.
For example, Cynthia spends her life feeling inadequate and ill equipped for her life. Her patterns are a combination of avoidance, timorous responses to challenges, and even self-sabotage. Oh snap, this sounds like me.
Every time someone avers, "I haven't lived my mother's life," or "I won't repeat my father's path," they are still responding to someone else's life, some de facto external authority.
we can address self-imposed constrictions in only one way: counterphobic behavior. That's right: we have to do what we are afraid of.
What are we distracting ourselves from? The existential yawn of the abyss? The progressive unfolding of aging, debilitation, and death? The deep anguish of the soul that has lost its way?
The one thing parents can do for their children is live their lives as fully as they can, for this will open the children's imagination, grant permission to them to have their own journey, and open the doors of possibility for them.
There are two existential threats to our well-being: the fear of overwhelm-ment and the fear of abandonment. In the encounter with the former, we are reminded of our relative powerlessness in a large and potentially invasive world...reinforced by multiple experiences of the power of the world over our capacities. The opposite existential threat, abandonment, means the person is driven to achievement in order to attain the reassuring accolades others, You transfer the need for nurturance to a promising surrogate yet estrange them through coercive behaviors.
There is anxiety when stepping into a life larger than has been comfortable for us in the past. This growth itself can be so intimidating that we often choose to stay with the old stuckness. We have to risk feeling worse before feeling better, and we have to risk the loss of the oh-so-comforting misery of stuckness.
When we choose the small, we don't have to step into the large, which is quite comforting until we realize we are living small, diminished lives.
To be sure there are many forces in this world that contribute to diminishment. They are well known: poverty, lack of education, prejudice, dealing with a tilted playing field. But the biggest diminishment of all is the deep lesson derived from having been small, dependent and unknowing in childhood. This feeds our shame and unworthiness. Recall the common message of childhood: The world is big, and you are not. The world is powerful, and you are not.
Everyone we meet is beset with their own problems. Most of the time they don't want you to know that, and they are also trying to figure out ways not to know that for themselves.
Ultimately, to step into the larger, we have to go through our fears. I have to emphasize go through. There is no magic, no set of steps to dissolve the obstacles, no pill, no narcotic to make it all possible. There is only the going through and then realizing that we are on the other side of that issue.
successful parenting is found not in the splendiferous achievements of the child, but in the child who understands that he or she is seen and valued for who they are, not what they are supposed to do, achieve, become.
In the end, we are not here to fit in, to be well adjusted, acceptable to all, or to make our parents proud of us. We are here to be ourselves.
For one person the core instruction seems to say: "Hide out; don't be seen. You don't matter.
Don't expose yourself to risk." That core message leads to a life of diminished possibilities and continuous disappointments.For another person, the core message seems to be: "Step in; assume responsibility. You are charged with fixing the other, putting out the fire." That leads to a life in service to the troubles, the pathologies, the unfinished business of others, rather than to his or her own life.
The old order, the familiar scripts, hang on. They have enormous staying power, which is why simple behavioral changes and cognitive shifts are so seldom lasting.
There is something in all of us that longs for a bigger picture. Something in us wishes for connection, wishes to reframe the trivial in our daily lives, the pettiness with which most of our systems operate.
A mature spirituality will be one in which we encounter more mystery than is comfortable.
What does it mean to be here? To what am I called? What values, traits, and capacities must I embody in my life?
If happiness is the goal, then everything becomes contextual. To the thirsty person, a glass of water is happiness, though a flood is disaster. To the frightened person, the moment of rescue is happy, until the next peril emerges. And so on. Happiness is transient, but meaning abides.
Meaning is individual and contextual. As we all know, two people can have the same encounter, and one is bored or frightened, while the other is exalted and moved to tears.
Many in the context of therapy discover that what has depressed them, what they sought to distract, or anesthetize, or flee, is actually the larger life that wishes expression through them.
Life is a short pause between two great mysteries.
Putting it bluntly: I am a good parent, a successful parent, if my child follows my path, reaches similar choices and lifestyle as I, thereby ratifying the rightness of my exemplum to them. What is the basis of that thought, common to most parents, other than personal insecurity? And how can insecurity be a firm basis for a parent-child relationship
Is not our radical condemnation of ourselves a narcissistic variant of our "special-ness"? Is it not a form of peculiar narcissism to fault ourselves even more than others? Is it not a perverse satisfaction to deny to ourselves the grace we can bestow on others?
I am not a Jungian. I checked this book out because my book club recently read Jung's Red Book and I thought reading a book by a Jungian psychiatrist might help me understand Jung's concepts better. It did. I have a better grasp now of Jung's theories. Do I agree with all of them? Eh. The whole "your parents are responsible for all your issues" gets old. Hollis does say that you are not an adult until you understand that you yourself are responsible for your life's trajectory and not anyone else. But your parents are responsible for your neuroses? I don't quite understand. Maybe he means you yourself are responsible for combating your neuroses?
I googled Hollis's age because a lot of his comments about generational differences seemed off to me. I couldn't find his exact year of birth. He received his undergraduate degree in 1962 so born around 1940? Hollis is elderly, my parents generation, so a lot of his conversations about noting how your parents were raised in a different milieu seemed out of date. Hollis was part of the Silent Generation though in his writings he seems to relate more to Baby Boomers. I would guess his parents were born at the dawn of the twentieth century? Yes, every generation is different than the next but I think the gap between the Greatest Generation(1900-1927) and the Boomers (1945- 1964) is a much huger gap than between subsequent generations in terms of the culture they were raised in. I had to take all of these examples with a grain of salt.
Hollis does have a lot of great helpful points and I do want to remember them and implement those ideas into my life.
On my Kindle, I highlighted out the wazoo. Here are some of them so I can later on remember what the heck this book was saying.
we seldom solve problems, but we can outgrow them.
The first half of life, at least for most of us, is essentially a giant, unavoidable mistake. When well-meaning parents ask, "What can I do to spare my child the disappointments and disasters of life?" | respond, "You can do little, if anything, because they have to try out their lives, make those mistakes, and learn whatever they can from them." In time, such painful experience becomes the smithy in which a more authentic journey becomes possible
The second half of life occurs when people, for whatever reason - death of partner, end of marriage, illness, retirement, whatever - are obliged to radically consider who they are apart from their history, their roles, and their commitments.
We become too often a servant of our environment, given our need to fit in, receive the approval of others, stay out of harm's way. A familiar proverb in Japan declares, "It is the protruding nail that gets hammered." In the face of such power, what child does not begin to adopt the prejudices of his family and tribe, fear the alien values of others, and stick close to home in almost every way?
The power of the unconscious cannot be underestimated. Our ego consciousness - namely, who we think we are, or what we believe real - is at best a thin wafer floating on an iridescent sea.
Our life begins twice:the day we are born and the day we accept the radical existential fact that our life, for all its delimiting factors, is essentially ours to choose. The moment when step into that accountability, we take on the power of choice. The choice is ours, and if we are not exercising that choice, someone else is choosing for us - the splintered personalities of our complexes, the perseverating voices of our ancestors, the noisy din of our cultural tom-toms.
Life's two biggest threats we carry within: fear and lethargy. Fear says, "The world is too big for you, too much. You are not up to it. Find a way to slip-slide away again today." The one named Lethargy says, "Hey, chill out. You've had a hard day Turn on the telly, surf the internet, have some chocolate. Tomorrow's another day." These perverse twins munch on our souls every day. No matter what we do today, they will turn up again tomorrow. More energy is spent on managing fear through unreflective compliance and avoidance than anything else.
Drowning in distractions, palliated by simple solutions, and lulled by patronizing authorities, we can sleep our life away and never awaken to the summons of the soul that resounds within each of us.
The moment we say, "I am responsible, I am accountable, I have to deal with this," is the day we grow up, at least until the next time, the next regression, the next evasion.
We are all susceptible to the idea that we have more to handle than others or that others are
better equipped than we for life's journey. All of us have the same fears, the same seductive lethargy, and the same capacity for avoiding growing up.
there is within all of us the choice to remain within the predictable, the safe, the familiar, even the miserable, thinking it preferable to the uncertainty of the unknown.
Freud identified what he called "the repetition compulsion." the drive within us to replicate the old, even if it is painful and leads us to predictable but familiar dead ends.
Letting go of the old is much more difficult than we think. We believe we do so by redecorating our homes, taking a different kind of vacation, even swapping relational partners, but the replicative patterns remain. The only constant presence in every scene of that long-running soap opera we call our life is us.
Those who want the "good old days," who "want their country back," are really wishing (a) that their once-privileged position be ratified and reified and (b) that the anxiety of ambiguity be treated with the anodyne of "certainty," "received authority," and "traditional values."
Adlai Stevenson once observed that the moral measure of a nation is how it treats its least advantaged citizens. We may add a corollary: the moral measure of a culture is found in the degree to which individuals & groups can tolerate ambiguity and change and how open they can be to the otherness of others.
For example, Cynthia spends her life feeling inadequate and ill equipped for her life. Her patterns are a combination of avoidance, timorous responses to challenges, and even self-sabotage. Oh snap, this sounds like me.
Every time someone avers, "I haven't lived my mother's life," or "I won't repeat my father's path," they are still responding to someone else's life, some de facto external authority.
we can address self-imposed constrictions in only one way: counterphobic behavior. That's right: we have to do what we are afraid of.
What are we distracting ourselves from? The existential yawn of the abyss? The progressive unfolding of aging, debilitation, and death? The deep anguish of the soul that has lost its way?
The one thing parents can do for their children is live their lives as fully as they can, for this will open the children's imagination, grant permission to them to have their own journey, and open the doors of possibility for them.
There are two existential threats to our well-being: the fear of overwhelm-ment and the fear of abandonment. In the encounter with the former, we are reminded of our relative powerlessness in a large and potentially invasive world...reinforced by multiple experiences of the power of the world over our capacities. The opposite existential threat, abandonment, means the person is driven to achievement in order to attain the reassuring accolades others, You transfer the need for nurturance to a promising surrogate yet estrange them through coercive behaviors.
There is anxiety when stepping into a life larger than has been comfortable for us in the past. This growth itself can be so intimidating that we often choose to stay with the old stuckness. We have to risk feeling worse before feeling better, and we have to risk the loss of the oh-so-comforting misery of stuckness.
When we choose the small, we don't have to step into the large, which is quite comforting until we realize we are living small, diminished lives.
To be sure there are many forces in this world that contribute to diminishment. They are well known: poverty, lack of education, prejudice, dealing with a tilted playing field. But the biggest diminishment of all is the deep lesson derived from having been small, dependent and unknowing in childhood. This feeds our shame and unworthiness. Recall the common message of childhood: The world is big, and you are not. The world is powerful, and you are not.
Everyone we meet is beset with their own problems. Most of the time they don't want you to know that, and they are also trying to figure out ways not to know that for themselves.
Ultimately, to step into the larger, we have to go through our fears. I have to emphasize go through. There is no magic, no set of steps to dissolve the obstacles, no pill, no narcotic to make it all possible. There is only the going through and then realizing that we are on the other side of that issue.
successful parenting is found not in the splendiferous achievements of the child, but in the child who understands that he or she is seen and valued for who they are, not what they are supposed to do, achieve, become.
In the end, we are not here to fit in, to be well adjusted, acceptable to all, or to make our parents proud of us. We are here to be ourselves.
For one person the core instruction seems to say: "Hide out; don't be seen. You don't matter.
Don't expose yourself to risk." That core message leads to a life of diminished possibilities and continuous disappointments.For another person, the core message seems to be: "Step in; assume responsibility. You are charged with fixing the other, putting out the fire." That leads to a life in service to the troubles, the pathologies, the unfinished business of others, rather than to his or her own life.
The old order, the familiar scripts, hang on. They have enormous staying power, which is why simple behavioral changes and cognitive shifts are so seldom lasting.
There is something in all of us that longs for a bigger picture. Something in us wishes for connection, wishes to reframe the trivial in our daily lives, the pettiness with which most of our systems operate.
A mature spirituality will be one in which we encounter more mystery than is comfortable.
What does it mean to be here? To what am I called? What values, traits, and capacities must I embody in my life?
If happiness is the goal, then everything becomes contextual. To the thirsty person, a glass of water is happiness, though a flood is disaster. To the frightened person, the moment of rescue is happy, until the next peril emerges. And so on. Happiness is transient, but meaning abides.
Meaning is individual and contextual. As we all know, two people can have the same encounter, and one is bored or frightened, while the other is exalted and moved to tears.
Many in the context of therapy discover that what has depressed them, what they sought to distract, or anesthetize, or flee, is actually the larger life that wishes expression through them.
Life is a short pause between two great mysteries.
Putting it bluntly: I am a good parent, a successful parent, if my child follows my path, reaches similar choices and lifestyle as I, thereby ratifying the rightness of my exemplum to them. What is the basis of that thought, common to most parents, other than personal insecurity? And how can insecurity be a firm basis for a parent-child relationship
Is not our radical condemnation of ourselves a narcissistic variant of our "special-ness"? Is it not a form of peculiar narcissism to fault ourselves even more than others? Is it not a perverse satisfaction to deny to ourselves the grace we can bestow on others?
March 12, 2020
This book was given to me by my friend, Rob McLaughlin. The message is that by examining our preconceptions and intellectual and emotional baggage we can live an intentional, life and not simple fulfill our parental, and societal programming. There is much in common here with existentialism as far as having responsibility for your choices. The author is a Jungian psychoanalyst and is more accepting of "mystery" or religion (though not a believer himself) than I.
Perhaps the place where I disagree most with the book is in the emphasis on finding purpose and moving towards that purpose. While I am in accord with the author about examining one's life I have more doubts about the utility of embracing some personal purpose. Perhaps I have simply become a nihilist in my advancing years.
Perhaps the place where I disagree most with the book is in the emphasis on finding purpose and moving towards that purpose. While I am in accord with the author about examining one's life I have more doubts about the utility of embracing some personal purpose. Perhaps I have simply become a nihilist in my advancing years.
June 18, 2018
This is a book I see myself going back to over and over again at different stages of my life. Truly valuable.
January 4, 2026
“Sooner or later, a person has to understand and revisit the basics: we are not here for long; we are accountable for the life we have lived or not lived; we are summoned to choice, courage, and perseverance in living this life. From that recognition, the necessity of permission becomes more than obvious; it becomes the vital oxygen we must breathe, or we choke to death on the fumes of the unlived life.”
So many tidbits here that it’s hard to choose just one for a review. Become aware of your triggers. Know why you act AND react the way you do, and you will find a doorway into the freedom to live. We are not bound by our past experiences nor are we inhibitied by what shall yet be. Fantastic read to start off 2026.
So many tidbits here that it’s hard to choose just one for a review. Become aware of your triggers. Know why you act AND react the way you do, and you will find a doorway into the freedom to live. We are not bound by our past experiences nor are we inhibitied by what shall yet be. Fantastic read to start off 2026.
March 28, 2022
بیست و یک کار مهم بعد از سی سالگی
کتابی مختصر ، مفید و جامع، برای بازبینی و بازسازی نگرش.
۹ماه دیگه دارم تا سی سال رو پر کنم ،مدتیه که این نیاز به معنا پیدا کردن واسه ی زندگی ، نگاه کردن به گذشته ، تکلیفه حسها و فکرها و اتفاقها و آدمهای بلاتکلیف رو مشخص کردن و انجام اصلاحات لازم، خیلی خیلی برام محسوس شده.
گوش میدم ، میخونم ، فکر میکنم ، مینویسم. پازل پراکنده ای از آگاهی و شناخت ساختم ، امید دارم ک ب تصویر واحد و زیبایی ختم شه.
کتابی مختصر ، مفید و جامع، برای بازبینی و بازسازی نگرش.
۹ماه دیگه دارم تا سی سال رو پر کنم ،مدتیه که این نیاز به معنا پیدا کردن واسه ی زندگی ، نگاه کردن به گذشته ، تکلیفه حسها و فکرها و اتفاقها و آدمهای بلاتکلیف رو مشخص کردن و انجام اصلاحات لازم، خیلی خیلی برام محسوس شده.
گوش میدم ، میخونم ، فکر میکنم ، مینویسم. پازل پراکنده ای از آگاهی و شناخت ساختم ، امید دارم ک ب تصویر واحد و زیبایی ختم شه.
October 25, 2020
It’s not what you say... it’s the way you say it. I appreciate the way this book is written — the tone, the language, its form. Wonderfully succinct and serious. High brow self help, or, stoicism / post modern philosophy of conduct! Really enjoyed and will definitely re read. Some of his notable maxims will hopefully sink into the reader’s soul.
June 30, 2024
I liked this book but, I only gave it 3 stars because, it didn’t leap out at me in an unbelievable way. However, I think the value in this book may be in a second, slower reading. It was suggested to read a chapter at a time. But I, of course, did not do that. Well written, deep meaning content. I’ll revisit this little gem sometime in the future 📖🤔
April 28, 2019
Probably the most insightful and helpful book I’ve ever read. I genuinely can see myself reading this every year for the rest of my life.
March 19, 2024
Loved this book about emotionally growing up. Developing healthy relationships with others and yourself. So many great insights and hard hitting questions that made me stop and ponder my perspectives on life.
April 9, 2024
Young or old a book worth reading again and again. A wonderful guide to help anyone navigate life’s journey.
August 23, 2025
James Hollis has me putting his book down and staring out a window in contemplative reflection once again!!!
Read
January 14, 2020DNF @15%
I should have read the description of this. "Examined Life" led me to expect something philosophical and Socratic. This seems to be modern self-help, you're your own god drivel.
I should have read the description of this. "Examined Life" led me to expect something philosophical and Socratic. This seems to be modern self-help, you're your own god drivel.
April 21, 2021
Rich with insight, offering guidance to cultivate courage and endurance to be oneself.
June 7, 2018
This book takes a look at what it means to be an adult. Clear, simple, and well written, it is a great tool for reflection.
April 29, 2024
41%
Why is this book highly sought after? Please explain it to me as this is a very Bland read which contributes nothing to my knowledge I was just bored.
Why is this book highly sought after? Please explain it to me as this is a very Bland read which contributes nothing to my knowledge I was just bored.
April 16, 2020
This book is a gem for everyone who considers examining life as a necessary approach to improve one's life. It is not enough only by acknowledging patterns we have woven un and consciously throughout this life, but digging deeper to find out the reason behind our thick layers of obsolete and lame reasons may be necessary before we complete our current life. At least, that 'seed' can later bloom freely with a healthier mindset and then construct a mature spirituality.
The subtitle on the cover may be pointing to a certain type of reader, however, the younger ones can always take so much benefit from this book since its life lessons can lead us to ponder and help to see our weaknesses from a different perspective - more encouraging and hopeful side. Thus consider it as luck if you have not reached the presumably second half of your journey to have an interest in this book. As we know, wisdom is eternal and pertinent to any circumstance.
The subtitle on the cover may be pointing to a certain type of reader, however, the younger ones can always take so much benefit from this book since its life lessons can lead us to ponder and help to see our weaknesses from a different perspective - more encouraging and hopeful side. Thus consider it as luck if you have not reached the presumably second half of your journey to have an interest in this book. As we know, wisdom is eternal and pertinent to any circumstance.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 159 reviews