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He's Not Lazy: Empowering Your Son to Believe In Himself
On the surface, capable teenage boys may look lazy. But dig a little deeper, writes child psychologist Adam Price in He's Not Lazy, and you'll often find conflicted boys who want to do well in middle and high school but are afraid to fail, and so do not try. This book can help you become an ally with your son, as he discovers greater self-confidence and accepts responsibility for his future.
290 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 3, 2016
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 179 reviews
October 29, 2017
Good advice about taking a step back and giving your son room to fail as a means of growing toward independence. My favorite piece of advice:
And the follow-up to the inevitable answer of "I don't know":
Don't drown him in reminders and requests. Instead, make him tired of hearing you ask, "What is your plan?"
And the follow-up to the inevitable answer of "I don't know":
"You will probably like the plan I come up with a lot less than one you come up with, so give it some thought."
February 22, 2020
This book really opened my eyes to some parenting fails that I need to change. I’m not exactly a helicopter parent but I’m close. Okay. I might be a helicopter parent. It has given me some strategies to employ when dealing with my kids, and ways to give them more independence in their lives.
I have some work to do on myself!
I have some work to do on myself!
August 17, 2017
This was a perfectly fine book but I don't think you need to read it. It's written for a VERY SPECIFIC audience and I don't know anyone in it.
It's written for middle/upper class parents who have somehow managed to find themselves with nearly no idea how adolescent development works. They are either raising their first teenager or their earlier ones were angels. They also never spent much time with teenagers.
Also, and importantly, they have some kind of issues where they are super immersed in their kid's life, like they get all their self-esteem from their kids accomplishments. They need their kids to get into "good colleges". (This is so foreign to me, it may as well be written by an alien)
Lastly, in order to be in the audience for this book, your kid has got to be super neuro-typical. No learning problems, or genuine rebellion. If your kid is actually doing bad things, this is NOT the book for you. This is the book for parents of kids who have C averages.
Frankly, I hadn't realized that a book like this needed to be written, but I guess that's my privilege speaking.
It's not a terrible book. The writing style is good. And if you fall into what I perceive to be a very narrow strip of the population, you will probably find this a very helpful book.
It's written for middle/upper class parents who have somehow managed to find themselves with nearly no idea how adolescent development works. They are either raising their first teenager or their earlier ones were angels. They also never spent much time with teenagers.
Also, and importantly, they have some kind of issues where they are super immersed in their kid's life, like they get all their self-esteem from their kids accomplishments. They need their kids to get into "good colleges". (This is so foreign to me, it may as well be written by an alien)
Lastly, in order to be in the audience for this book, your kid has got to be super neuro-typical. No learning problems, or genuine rebellion. If your kid is actually doing bad things, this is NOT the book for you. This is the book for parents of kids who have C averages.
Frankly, I hadn't realized that a book like this needed to be written, but I guess that's my privilege speaking.
It's not a terrible book. The writing style is good. And if you fall into what I perceive to be a very narrow strip of the population, you will probably find this a very helpful book.
May 29, 2020
This is the first and only parenting book that was even slightly familiar with what we deal with daily. I plan to go back through and highlight what resonated so I can find it quickly when I need to.
That said, this book is focused on boys who opt-out of school. Ours opts out of pretty much everything. Getting him to college isn’t really on our radar. Our goal is to get him to interact with life and the world at large. I wished there was help for these boys in the book.
It was also painfully apparent that this book is written for parents with financial and other privilege, whose kids are unquestionably college bound. That is not everyone. Not by a long shot.
That said, this book is focused on boys who opt-out of school. Ours opts out of pretty much everything. Getting him to college isn’t really on our radar. Our goal is to get him to interact with life and the world at large. I wished there was help for these boys in the book.
It was also painfully apparent that this book is written for parents with financial and other privilege, whose kids are unquestionably college bound. That is not everyone. Not by a long shot.
December 31, 2018
seriously - that good. This book is written for a very specific type of boy - and I happen to have one of those boys. I don't agree with everything the author said, but I listened and am now armed with additional knowledge and ways to help/cope/work with each of them as they grow.
February 2, 2018
Everyone who deals with teen boys needs to read this. Everyone.
September 20, 2017
I find it hard to rate this book, because I was specifically looking for something when I started reading it, and didn't get that result. Does that make it a "bad book?" No, it just wasn't dead-on for me. Specifically, it put some of the blame on teen-age boys opting out on the parents, and discusses "helicopter parenting." I would completely agree that is the case some of the time. If you do everything for your child, and don't let him fail, he will stop doing anything, because 1. he doesn't have to and 2. even if he does something, you probably 'fix' it because it was 'wrong.' However, I am very much the opposite of a helicopter parent. I am all for letting my child fail. But this book didn't address what to do if the child fails, and fails, and fails, and doesn't change his ways.
To be fair, I did get a couple of tips and insights that I will use, which is why I rated the book 3 stars.
Dealing with a child who struggles to do homework is a journey, and this book was just a little scenic tour in the journey!
To be fair, I did get a couple of tips and insights that I will use, which is why I rated the book 3 stars.
Dealing with a child who struggles to do homework is a journey, and this book was just a little scenic tour in the journey!
February 24, 2020
Parents of tweens and young adult men should read this book. It will give you some realistic tools to deal with attitudes and actions that baffle is parents. It really also helped me to calm down as I realized that my sons are actually normal. I may be interpreting certain actions incorrectly as well as taking things personally when they don’t have anything to do with me as a parent.
After reading the book, I took a deep breath and said to myself “we will be okay”.
After reading the book, I took a deep breath and said to myself “we will be okay”.
September 8, 2018
The parts about child development are good but this book isn’t very helpful. He has no actual plans in this book that would ever actually work with a lazy teenage boy. He seems to think what they need is more work they’ll never do to figure out why they’re not doing work. He contradicts almost everything he says in the book and he wastes tons of pages assuming you’re some kind of helicopter parent. Also skip chapters 4 and 5 where he is just a blatant sexist. He talks about how women don’t have issues and have it easy and how all women fit into a mold. It’s really dumb. Almost everything he wrote my wife and I were like “I’d never actually say that but I get his point kind of.” Basically it all comes down to, don’t do anything and your son will magically become an adult. It’s a lot of nice thoughts but my child is failing out of high school and letting him isn’t really an option.
June 30, 2019
I am so thankful I found this book. It has changed the way I see and love my son. Many of my friends have children who excel at both sports and school. I thought that was the goal. I compared him with what I thought he should be, instead of loving him for who he is now. I am sure my 12 year old will be very happy now that I will no longer be a walking self-help book giving him advise at every turn, and letting him learn his life-lessons from living his own life.
September 10, 2017
The topic of this book is very real. The demands on a teenager today are more intense than when we were teenagers, mostly in the academic sense. This book gave me some great perspectives of how to view this from my teenage son's perspective, and also how I can be the most loving and supportive parent to him and our daughter during these years. Highly recommended if you have a teenage son - if you don't, you won't find much of interest or application here.
December 29, 2017
Wish I’d read this 10 years ago. Lots of good insight for communicating with teenagers.
December 11, 2020
I have SUCH mixed feelings about this book. There are some really wonderful and wonderfully presented strategies that I will use with students and likely the 16yo in my house. I would consider buying this book.
And then, I got to about 40% and the next 50-60 pages were just AGGRAVATING. One of Price's PRIMARY tenets as to why boys opt-out is because they are SO FEARFUL of protecting their budding masculinity that by doing nothing it proves how masculine they are, and helps them avoid the worst fate possible, being called a faggot or a pussy.
While a completely agree that we need to keep investigating gender differences both in brain biology, behavior and the like, and that such differences exist his approach was gross. Additionally, what about our LGBTQ boys that approach their transformation into sexual beings in perhaps a different way? Or our girls that are opt-outs for (other) reasons that compare to their male counterparts that Price has completely alienated.
Price also has a lot of opinions about what happens in schools and what teachers do, and while he obviously works with young people, he has NOT spent much time close to the workings of education since he became an adult, if his writing is any indication.
After this chunk of the book, we get back into some decent ideas and usable strategies and there's an ok appendix of resources at the end.
Reading the book is probably worth your time if you're an educator or have an "opt-out" child. Skip the middle section. If you want to buy the book, buy it used.
And then, I got to about 40% and the next 50-60 pages were just AGGRAVATING. One of Price's PRIMARY tenets as to why boys opt-out is because they are SO FEARFUL of protecting their budding masculinity that by doing nothing it proves how masculine they are, and helps them avoid the worst fate possible, being called a faggot or a pussy.
While a completely agree that we need to keep investigating gender differences both in brain biology, behavior and the like, and that such differences exist his approach was gross. Additionally, what about our LGBTQ boys that approach their transformation into sexual beings in perhaps a different way? Or our girls that are opt-outs for (other) reasons that compare to their male counterparts that Price has completely alienated.
Price also has a lot of opinions about what happens in schools and what teachers do, and while he obviously works with young people, he has NOT spent much time close to the workings of education since he became an adult, if his writing is any indication.
After this chunk of the book, we get back into some decent ideas and usable strategies and there's an ok appendix of resources at the end.
Reading the book is probably worth your time if you're an educator or have an "opt-out" child. Skip the middle section. If you want to buy the book, buy it used.
May 12, 2018
When parenting a teen, you often feel like you are completely out of your depth. This book was immediately relatable and not only guides you in seeing that your child is all right, but that you are too! Full of easy-to-understand explanations of scientific and developmental information that is absolutely necessary to understand, the second half of the book offers some really practical ideas and applications. A great read, and one I will recommend to friends, teachers and others who work with teen boys.
December 4, 2019
Anti-intellectual garbage for ignorant dudes. This book assumes the worst and enforces patriarchal gender definitions. If a boy is intellectually curious, interested in the arts and reads a lot, this book is not for you. This book is for a C student who's 100% into the consumer culture and expectations of American maleness. If you have any unique interests forget about it.
December 1, 2017
I have an opt-out kid, but found myself seeing a lot of both my teenage boys in this book. Asking about "the plan" has opened up lines of communication for us. Overall, it was a funny book with a lot of "hmmmm, that sounds mighty familiar" to it.
February 24, 2020
This was a great eye-opening book for me and such a relief to find a clear way to explain exactly how I feel. I enjoyed the audio version but also purchased the ebook so I can highlight it on my phone and a hard-copy in hopes that I can sneak it into my husband's TBRs.
July 22, 2025
This is a good book if you have a specific type of son. The books focuses on the “opt-out” someone who has decided to opt out and appear as being lazy. If you have that type of son then there is a lot of great information int his book.
August 28, 2017
I read this book because it was marketed to focus on raising boys with the ADHD however, it essentially applies to every male. Maybe we all have ADHD and do not know it.
Scaffolding is the best concept to explain the parenting advice. Offer guidance and support but you have to let your son do the building himself. There also needs to be a reevaluation of what type of building do you want. I think most of the advice is sane.
I'm not sold on the later school idea. I'm at work every day by 8 and my commute is longer so I don't see the issue with starting at 730 or 8. Country people get up earlier in day than that. Most people start their mornings by 6 or earlier, so kids should get used to it. Go to bed earlier. Doing sports first would not fit in the competition schedule. After practice I was in no shape to learn. I'd also have to shower at school instead of just going home and showering. In college I had to occasionally take a class after practice and it was totally useless.
Scaffolding is the best concept to explain the parenting advice. Offer guidance and support but you have to let your son do the building himself. There also needs to be a reevaluation of what type of building do you want. I think most of the advice is sane.
I'm not sold on the later school idea. I'm at work every day by 8 and my commute is longer so I don't see the issue with starting at 730 or 8. Country people get up earlier in day than that. Most people start their mornings by 6 or earlier, so kids should get used to it. Go to bed earlier. Doing sports first would not fit in the competition schedule. After practice I was in no shape to learn. I'd also have to shower at school instead of just going home and showering. In college I had to occasionally take a class after practice and it was totally useless.
February 25, 2019
Do you have a teenage boy who struggles in school? Or do you have a younger son who you can imagine struggling in school as he gets older? He may be an otherwise capable young man but seems apathetic and unmotivated, to the point you think he’s not excelling simply because he’s lazy. Adam Prices says that’s the wrong conclusion to draw and one that leads to the wrong parenting approach to addressing it. Dr. Price argues that the real reason many young men are unmotivated is not that they don’t care about succeeding, but that they feel too much pressure to do so, and are scared of failing. He explains why nagging and over-parenting simply exacerbates this issue, and how stepping back and giving boys more autonomy can help them become more self-directed and find their footing.
March 27, 2018
These types of parenting books are often hard to get into and hard to finish, but this one was necessary and helpful to me for one of my children at this particular time of my life. It offers sage advice on how to shift your thinking about your child and follows up with some very common sense, practical tips on how to move forward.
September 16, 2018
I absolutely loved this book. It’s the first one I’ve read in the area of understanding teenage boys that really spoke to me and made sense of this sometimes difficult season for families. In addition I came away feeling as if I had some useful tools that I could put to use immediately.
March 31, 2018
Really interesting read! I recommend it to parents of teen boys.
May 21, 2021
Wow. The negative reviews of this one are way crazy. If it doesn’t pertain to you fine, but that doesn’t make it not valid, and to say this book if for kids who get Cs and are otherwise going down a less than stellar path in life is way off the mark. This is a book for parents of teenage boys that aren’t in 100 AP classes, getting straight A’s, motivated to score 1500 on the SATs, or otherwise school uninterested. It certainly doesn’t make them uninterested in the rest of life, to make that assumption is seriously a lack of experience with teens. I have seen many boys sort of wander into their 20s with not a lot of direction. This book is for the parents of those bright, capable, curious, but academically sort of avoidant kiddos. In our silly hyper competitive race for achievement in schools, we sometimes lose the engagement of SOME kids. This is not a book for every parent of every kid, but if your son is school adverse, bored, interested in other things rather than school, sometimes overwhelmed with where to begin, works hard at things he enjoys, this book might be for you. The advice given might not work for every situation, but as a parent who also speaks to a lot of other parents, it carries validity for some situations. Other parents have other struggles with teens and there are other books for those. I found this great and helped put into perspective what I have experienced and seen in the academic world around me.
September 24, 2023
This book was a quick listen and I give it 3.5 stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️ 💫
There were several things I didn’t agree with due to the authors views which didn’t align with my (biblical) worldview; however, there was enough practical insight that I still found this book helpful in understanding the valid, underlying reasons that cause adolescent boys to appear lazy or become unmotivated. I wish I’d read it earlier when my son was in elementary or middle school as I would’ve adjusted my approach and response in handling some of his struggles with motivation sooner, but I still appreciated learning several tips that I can begin to implement now.
There were several things I didn’t agree with due to the authors views which didn’t align with my (biblical) worldview; however, there was enough practical insight that I still found this book helpful in understanding the valid, underlying reasons that cause adolescent boys to appear lazy or become unmotivated. I wish I’d read it earlier when my son was in elementary or middle school as I would’ve adjusted my approach and response in handling some of his struggles with motivation sooner, but I still appreciated learning several tips that I can begin to implement now.
September 4, 2023
Good reminders for teachers and parents:
1. Emphasize process (growth) over end results (grades, team placement, markers of success, etc.)
2. You (the adult) need to "opt out" in order for your teenage boy to "opt in" -- parents need to remember that their personal "value" and success do not come from their children's success, so they need to reduce the amount of pressure they place on their kids to fulfill that need
3. Self-efficacy and personal responsibility are necessary skills in life; if you let you son develop those character traits and skills, he WILL eventually get there! If you don't allow him the time/space to develop those for himself, he never will.
4. Three C's of motivation: competence, control, connection
5. As a parent, BE CONSISTENT! Follow through. Empty punishments and threats do nothing. If you name a consequence, be prepared to enforce it, regardless of your son's complaints and threats.
1. Emphasize process (growth) over end results (grades, team placement, markers of success, etc.)
2. You (the adult) need to "opt out" in order for your teenage boy to "opt in" -- parents need to remember that their personal "value" and success do not come from their children's success, so they need to reduce the amount of pressure they place on their kids to fulfill that need
3. Self-efficacy and personal responsibility are necessary skills in life; if you let you son develop those character traits and skills, he WILL eventually get there! If you don't allow him the time/space to develop those for himself, he never will.
4. Three C's of motivation: competence, control, connection
5. As a parent, BE CONSISTENT! Follow through. Empty punishments and threats do nothing. If you name a consequence, be prepared to enforce it, regardless of your son's complaints and threats.
April 25, 2021
Halfway through this book I realized that I was not the audience for this book. This book is really about kids who "opt-out" of school and society, kids who are barely getting by. However, I pushed through and finished the book and I'm glad I did. There is always one idea that you had not considered, or a new vocabulary you needed to have conversations with your teen son. For me, personally, one of the best things about this book was all the charts - whether it was about learning organizational skills, or giving you an arsenal of words to help your son learn about/describe himself, they were a great resource. And like all the best parenting books, there is always the reminder that: (1) your child is perfect just the way they are and not when they finally "live up to their potential" and (2) it's always possible that your parenting issues are really not about your child, they are about your own personal unhealed childhood trauma. There is one big shortfall though - even though the author does mention ASD, ADHD, and executive function issues, if your teen son is having difficulties in school and life because he is not neurotypical this book is not for you. I imagine that you are going to need much more than just a book to help you help your child.
December 15, 2023
This book was great at giving perspective and creating empathy for the “opt outs”, which was refreshing. There was no judgement or criticism, just experience, compassion and advice. It offered some solid advice and some that I thought to be a bit unrealistic, although it may be realistic for other kids (like writing their feelings in a journal… a great idea but I’m not sure it applies to the kids he’s talking about).
I highly recommend it. Lots of real talk and examples and humour!
I highly recommend it. Lots of real talk and examples and humour!
September 11, 2020
Overall valid advice for raising any teenager but had some insights and suggestions that are more relevant to teenage boys. Loved the format, examples and suggestions. This book not only explains teenage boys minds, it offers solutions or suggestions to issues we as parents might be facing. Highly recommend!
June 24, 2024
finally a parenting book that gives strategies in useful terms and explains the how and why without being hokey. a lot of great information about teenagers and why they withdraw and how to deal with that. i am going to buy my own copy so i can highlight the parts i need to remember. i thought this book was going to be a bust, and i was so wrong!
Displaying 1 - 30 of 179 reviews