What do you think?
Rate this book
That We May Be One: A Gay Mormon’s Perspective on Faith & Family
"'A happy gay Mormon.' That's the shorthand I often use to describe myself," writes Tom Christofferson. "Some of my gay friends—as well as some of the LDS friends—are a little surprised that I think it's possible to be a gay Mormon."
In That We May Be One, Tom Christofferson shares perspectives gained from his life's journey as a gay man who left The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and then returned to it. After having asked to be excommunicated from the faith he was raised in, Tom spent two decades in a loving relationship with a committed partner. But gradually, the love of family, friends, and strangers and the Spirit of the Lord worked on him until he found himself one night sitting in his car in front of the bishop's house...
This book is about the lessons Tom, his family, and his fellow Saints learned while trying to love as God loves. It is about the scope and strength of this circle of love and about how learning the truth of our relationship with God draws us to Him. For anyone who has wondered how to keep moving forward in the face of difficult decisions and feelings of ambiguity; for anyone who needs to better understand the redeeming power of our Savior, Jesus Christ; for anyone who seeks to love more fully; this book offers reassurance and testimony of God's love for all of His children.
In That We May Be One, Tom Christofferson shares perspectives gained from his life's journey as a gay man who left The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and then returned to it. After having asked to be excommunicated from the faith he was raised in, Tom spent two decades in a loving relationship with a committed partner. But gradually, the love of family, friends, and strangers and the Spirit of the Lord worked on him until he found himself one night sitting in his car in front of the bishop's house...
This book is about the lessons Tom, his family, and his fellow Saints learned while trying to love as God loves. It is about the scope and strength of this circle of love and about how learning the truth of our relationship with God draws us to Him. For anyone who has wondered how to keep moving forward in the face of difficult decisions and feelings of ambiguity; for anyone who needs to better understand the redeeming power of our Savior, Jesus Christ; for anyone who seeks to love more fully; this book offers reassurance and testimony of God's love for all of His children.
122 pages, Kindle Edition
First published September 25, 2017
150 people are currently reading
1579 people want to read
About the author
Tom Christofferson
3 books7 followersTom Christofferson has spent his career in investment management and asset servicing, living in the United States and Europe. He has served as a director on corporate and nonprofit boards and was a founding board member of Encircle, a group providing resources to support LGBTQ individuals and their families in Provo, Utah. Tom is an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and serves as a Gospel Doctrine teacher in his Salt Lake City Ward. Tom can be reached at ThatWeMayBeOne@gmail.com
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 535 reviews
January 23, 2018
I thought a particularly touching part of the book was after the new church policy his brother Todd texted him and said “I understand if you no longer wish to associate with me” and he responded “you have never left me and I won’t leave you”. I liked the book’s overall theme that everyone is needed and has value.
October 7, 2017
Things I loved about this book:
Tom Christofferson’s recognition that his path is not the path for everyone, and this book should not be held up as the “one right way” to be a gay Mormon.
I loved Tom’s plea that parents and friends to love and accept the LGBT person in the reality of their situation. Not loving if they behave as desired, but loving them in what is.
I really appreciated Tom’s willingness to share his very personal story, and hope that church leaders and family members of LGBT individuals can learn how to be loving and supportive.
Things I am concerned about with this book:
Despite Tom’s multiple reminders that each person has to find their own path, and his is not the one right way, I am concerned that people will see this and use it as a weapon against gay Mormons who aren’t humbly approaching their leaders, or who feel hurt and angry, or who don’t have the desire or energy to make their way back.
I think this book will be most useful for family members and maybe church leaders to see how they can better love. I also really appreciated how Tom’s bishop and stake president didn’t push him or put conditions on him, but welcomed him and loved him, and let him set his own pace without an agenda or end goal in sight.
Tom Christofferson’s recognition that his path is not the path for everyone, and this book should not be held up as the “one right way” to be a gay Mormon.
I loved Tom’s plea that parents and friends to love and accept the LGBT person in the reality of their situation. Not loving if they behave as desired, but loving them in what is.
I really appreciated Tom’s willingness to share his very personal story, and hope that church leaders and family members of LGBT individuals can learn how to be loving and supportive.
Things I am concerned about with this book:
Despite Tom’s multiple reminders that each person has to find their own path, and his is not the one right way, I am concerned that people will see this and use it as a weapon against gay Mormons who aren’t humbly approaching their leaders, or who feel hurt and angry, or who don’t have the desire or energy to make their way back.
I think this book will be most useful for family members and maybe church leaders to see how they can better love. I also really appreciated how Tom’s bishop and stake president didn’t push him or put conditions on him, but welcomed him and loved him, and let him set his own pace without an agenda or end goal in sight.
December 28, 2017
Tom Christofferson's book takes its title from 3 Nephi 19:23, which describes a Zion community of diverse saints united as one with each other and God. He uses this theme to describe his experience as a gay man in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, exploring a topic that can be unsettling and even scary to some faithful Mormons. He presents his story in a non-threatening way, speaking to the sensibilities of even the most traditional Latter-day Saint. Christofferson is a beautiful narrator, bringing honesty and candor to a writing style that expresses genuine warmth and generosity of spirit. I applaud the Church for providing a platform to explore the sensitive topic of homosexuality through its publishing arm, Deseret Book. The book wastes no time, introducing important questions on the second page of the Publisher's Preface: “What choices do those who identify as gay or lesbian have if they wish to remain faithful to gospel covenants? What is our Father's plan for these individuals in the eternities?” (xii) I found myself on more than one occasion flipping to the back cover to confirm that the publisher was indeed Deseret Book. The book feels like an important step in addressing the complexity of homosexuality within Mormonism.
Christofferson acknowledges that his experiences are unique to himself, and even expresses concern for the possibility that faithful Mormons might be tempted to hold him as an example of what LGBTQ Mormons should do: “Please understand that I share this [book] not as a prescription for others.” (xv) On the use of labels, he explains his displeasure with the term same-sex attraction, often used by Mormon leaders, preferring the term gay to describe himself: “To me, the descriptor same-sex attracted fails to convey sufficiently broad understanding. If you are a “straight” person, happily married to your companion, does the word attraction convey the depth of your feeling? Or, more likely, is it just a tiny, albeit happy, portion of the whole of your relationship?” (xvi-xvii)
We learn of Christofferson's family background: a childhood spent in New Jersey and Illinois, and teen years in Delta, Utah. His parents raised their five sons (Tom is the youngest) to be deeply faithful and committed to the Church, a legacy exemplified in his oldest brother, D. Todd Christofferson, who currently serves in the Church's Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. He uses the term “love story” to describe a rich family environment, with parents modeling “the meaning of unqualified love.” (24) While ultimately a story of his conversion back to Mormonism, this book is as much a tribute to his parents, brothers, and sisters-in-law as to his own faith journey. “They showed extraordinary compassion, empathy, and open-mindedness toward me, in spite of their own difficulty and struggles to understand me,” (16) He notes, “I hope in your reading you have gained some sense of the superb people they are.” (146) His experiences underscore that empathy and reaching out to others through genuine caring is what Mormons currently do best. He makes the case that Mormons, with this skill-set already in place, are especially prepared to take the next step of better outreach to the LGBTQ community.
Christofferson also brings the reader into the world of the struggling Mormon adolescent, describing the sense of alienation he felt growing up in a culture of masculinity: “I became obsessed over whether I walked like a straight guy or rolled my hips too much, if I talked like a straight guy or had a sibilant “s,” if my voice was deep enough, if I moved my hands the “right” way.” (7)
In a desire to reconcile the tension between his sense of identities, both as a gay teen and as a faithful Latter-day Saint, he put all his energies into trying to overcome his unwanted tendencies. He committed all to his church, serving a mission in Montreal, completing a degree at church-owned Brigham Young University, and marrying a woman in the Los Angeles Temple (shortly thereafter annulled). “And yet, despite hours of prayers, days of fasting, years of service, I was still gay” (xiv) Unable to reconcile this tension and wanting to be honest in his life, he finally asked to be excommunicated from the church of his youth. He later found love and commitment with a cherished partner for 19 years, whom his family took in as one of their own. He illustrates their acceptance of his partner through this simple but profound interaction during a family visit: “When we arrived at their home, Mom opened the door, gave us kisses, and hugs, and said, “why don't you take your bags to the corner room downstairs- it has the best bed and the best air conditioning.” And that was that, no conversation at all. I was relieved, and my partner was grateful. And another barrier that might have been erected, that might have made us feel not quite at home in their home, vanished.” (56)
Over time, Christofferson began to feel a longing to reconnect to the spiritual life he once had. Gradually he re-entered the community through the New Canaan, Connecticut Ward, where he and his partner were welcomed without judgement. For a time, he referred to himself there as the most active non-member in the ward: “For the first five years I attended, they might have correctly surmised that there were aspects of my life wherein I was not living all commandments, and yet I never had a feeling that anyone there viewed me with anything other than love.” (100) As he interacted with these members and cultivated a reconnection to Jesus, he experienced a strong desire to formally rejoin the community. Baptism into the church would require some difficult decisions, and the reader can feel his anguish over a choice between his faith and a beloved partnership. Christofferson never shares the name of his former partner, but does express his deep appreciation for the sacrifice and generosity of a partner whose life was profoundly impacted in this process.
Christofferson makes a compelling case for the value the Gospel brings to individual lives and beautifully illustrates why the community of saints will become even stronger if our gay brothers and sisters are fully integrated. He reminds us that “Zion is incomplete until each child of God joins us.” (143) He adeptly describes the significant barriers to entry that currently prevent gay Mormons from full participation. Ultimately, he points out Mormons' potential capacity to reach out with empathy to fellow brothers and sisters, to right some of the hurt that has been done to the LGBTQ community. As the author states, “Many of us are living testimony that there indeed is a place in the church for LGBTQ people.” (45)
I have great respect for Christofferson and his commitment and devotion to his faith, at the same time I mourn for his loss of intimate companionship. I really enjoyed this tribute to the power of unconditional love and the significance of faithful connection to God and community. I felt particularly moved by the frankness with which he juxtaposes the beauty of the Gospel with the hurt and frustration that his beloved faith can bring to his fellow LGBTQ Latter-day Saints. This book will be a valuable tool for Mormon parents of gay children, but I believe it is a must-read for all Latter-day Saints, especially leaders and those who are not familiar with the struggles a gay Mormon currently feels in the Church. I think this book has the potential to open doors to more inclusion and acceptance. Many Mormons could benefit from following the author's lead.
This review is posted at: http://associationmormonletters.org/b...
Christofferson acknowledges that his experiences are unique to himself, and even expresses concern for the possibility that faithful Mormons might be tempted to hold him as an example of what LGBTQ Mormons should do: “Please understand that I share this [book] not as a prescription for others.” (xv) On the use of labels, he explains his displeasure with the term same-sex attraction, often used by Mormon leaders, preferring the term gay to describe himself: “To me, the descriptor same-sex attracted fails to convey sufficiently broad understanding. If you are a “straight” person, happily married to your companion, does the word attraction convey the depth of your feeling? Or, more likely, is it just a tiny, albeit happy, portion of the whole of your relationship?” (xvi-xvii)
We learn of Christofferson's family background: a childhood spent in New Jersey and Illinois, and teen years in Delta, Utah. His parents raised their five sons (Tom is the youngest) to be deeply faithful and committed to the Church, a legacy exemplified in his oldest brother, D. Todd Christofferson, who currently serves in the Church's Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. He uses the term “love story” to describe a rich family environment, with parents modeling “the meaning of unqualified love.” (24) While ultimately a story of his conversion back to Mormonism, this book is as much a tribute to his parents, brothers, and sisters-in-law as to his own faith journey. “They showed extraordinary compassion, empathy, and open-mindedness toward me, in spite of their own difficulty and struggles to understand me,” (16) He notes, “I hope in your reading you have gained some sense of the superb people they are.” (146) His experiences underscore that empathy and reaching out to others through genuine caring is what Mormons currently do best. He makes the case that Mormons, with this skill-set already in place, are especially prepared to take the next step of better outreach to the LGBTQ community.
Christofferson also brings the reader into the world of the struggling Mormon adolescent, describing the sense of alienation he felt growing up in a culture of masculinity: “I became obsessed over whether I walked like a straight guy or rolled my hips too much, if I talked like a straight guy or had a sibilant “s,” if my voice was deep enough, if I moved my hands the “right” way.” (7)
In a desire to reconcile the tension between his sense of identities, both as a gay teen and as a faithful Latter-day Saint, he put all his energies into trying to overcome his unwanted tendencies. He committed all to his church, serving a mission in Montreal, completing a degree at church-owned Brigham Young University, and marrying a woman in the Los Angeles Temple (shortly thereafter annulled). “And yet, despite hours of prayers, days of fasting, years of service, I was still gay” (xiv) Unable to reconcile this tension and wanting to be honest in his life, he finally asked to be excommunicated from the church of his youth. He later found love and commitment with a cherished partner for 19 years, whom his family took in as one of their own. He illustrates their acceptance of his partner through this simple but profound interaction during a family visit: “When we arrived at their home, Mom opened the door, gave us kisses, and hugs, and said, “why don't you take your bags to the corner room downstairs- it has the best bed and the best air conditioning.” And that was that, no conversation at all. I was relieved, and my partner was grateful. And another barrier that might have been erected, that might have made us feel not quite at home in their home, vanished.” (56)
Over time, Christofferson began to feel a longing to reconnect to the spiritual life he once had. Gradually he re-entered the community through the New Canaan, Connecticut Ward, where he and his partner were welcomed without judgement. For a time, he referred to himself there as the most active non-member in the ward: “For the first five years I attended, they might have correctly surmised that there were aspects of my life wherein I was not living all commandments, and yet I never had a feeling that anyone there viewed me with anything other than love.” (100) As he interacted with these members and cultivated a reconnection to Jesus, he experienced a strong desire to formally rejoin the community. Baptism into the church would require some difficult decisions, and the reader can feel his anguish over a choice between his faith and a beloved partnership. Christofferson never shares the name of his former partner, but does express his deep appreciation for the sacrifice and generosity of a partner whose life was profoundly impacted in this process.
Christofferson makes a compelling case for the value the Gospel brings to individual lives and beautifully illustrates why the community of saints will become even stronger if our gay brothers and sisters are fully integrated. He reminds us that “Zion is incomplete until each child of God joins us.” (143) He adeptly describes the significant barriers to entry that currently prevent gay Mormons from full participation. Ultimately, he points out Mormons' potential capacity to reach out with empathy to fellow brothers and sisters, to right some of the hurt that has been done to the LGBTQ community. As the author states, “Many of us are living testimony that there indeed is a place in the church for LGBTQ people.” (45)
I have great respect for Christofferson and his commitment and devotion to his faith, at the same time I mourn for his loss of intimate companionship. I really enjoyed this tribute to the power of unconditional love and the significance of faithful connection to God and community. I felt particularly moved by the frankness with which he juxtaposes the beauty of the Gospel with the hurt and frustration that his beloved faith can bring to his fellow LGBTQ Latter-day Saints. This book will be a valuable tool for Mormon parents of gay children, but I believe it is a must-read for all Latter-day Saints, especially leaders and those who are not familiar with the struggles a gay Mormon currently feels in the Church. I think this book has the potential to open doors to more inclusion and acceptance. Many Mormons could benefit from following the author's lead.
This review is posted at: http://associationmormonletters.org/b...
February 3, 2018
Tom Christofferson is a “high profile” member, so this book will serve orthodox Mormons well in gaining empathy for LGBTQ individuals who are and aren’t Mormon because it is coming from a trusted source.
We need more stories about gay Mormons! Unfortunately, I worry that we will only find the stories of gay Mormons who are active members of the church (whether through celibacy, mixed orientation marriages, or reconversion) as acceptable stories. I also worry that Tom’s path will be one that parents/friends/family openly or secretly hope for in their gay children, though Tom did try to make it clear that it is his path. Some parts felt like a really hard sell for Mormonism, and that made me sad in a way—I would like to hear him speak about it.
I appreciated that he laid out appropriate terminology, was inclusive of transgender Mormons, mentioned the Family Acceptance Project, and was very clear that he felt being gay was a good part of himself. I also appreciated his family’s love and acceptance of him (after an initial, likely painful, adjustment period)—it lays out a really good model for Mormon families to follow. He also experienced a good way wards can be inclusive of gay individuals and couples—a good model for wards to follow.
We need more stories about gay Mormons! Unfortunately, I worry that we will only find the stories of gay Mormons who are active members of the church (whether through celibacy, mixed orientation marriages, or reconversion) as acceptable stories. I also worry that Tom’s path will be one that parents/friends/family openly or secretly hope for in their gay children, though Tom did try to make it clear that it is his path. Some parts felt like a really hard sell for Mormonism, and that made me sad in a way—I would like to hear him speak about it.
I appreciated that he laid out appropriate terminology, was inclusive of transgender Mormons, mentioned the Family Acceptance Project, and was very clear that he felt being gay was a good part of himself. I also appreciated his family’s love and acceptance of him (after an initial, likely painful, adjustment period)—it lays out a really good model for Mormon families to follow. He also experienced a good way wards can be inclusive of gay individuals and couples—a good model for wards to follow.
March 16, 2018
Wow, this book leaves you with a lot to think about. I loved it, even though it had maybe too many scriptures in it for me. It broke my heart, yet was filled with faith and hope.
His mother was ahead of her time, and I absolutely loved when she told her extended family: "The most important thing your children will learn from how our family treats Tom is that nothing they can ever do will take them outside the circle of our family's love." *Tracy cries*
A quote I liked:
"I find myself a member of two tribes. I love equally my LGBTQ brothers and sisters, as well as my fellow Latter-day Saints, and I so desperately want each to love and esteem the other. I love my Mormon brothers and sisters for their eagerness to help one another and the wider world; I love them for their devotion to duty; I love their decency and their reverence for things sacred. I love my queer brothers and sisters for their zest for life; I love their humor and sensitivity to others; I love that they seek fairness for all; I love their loyalty and their optimism for a better tomorrow. This Zion we are venturing to create needs all of these strengths and all of these gifts. Every individual is needed and wanted in His kingdom."
His mother was ahead of her time, and I absolutely loved when she told her extended family: "The most important thing your children will learn from how our family treats Tom is that nothing they can ever do will take them outside the circle of our family's love." *Tracy cries*
A quote I liked:
"I find myself a member of two tribes. I love equally my LGBTQ brothers and sisters, as well as my fellow Latter-day Saints, and I so desperately want each to love and esteem the other. I love my Mormon brothers and sisters for their eagerness to help one another and the wider world; I love them for their devotion to duty; I love their decency and their reverence for things sacred. I love my queer brothers and sisters for their zest for life; I love their humor and sensitivity to others; I love that they seek fairness for all; I love their loyalty and their optimism for a better tomorrow. This Zion we are venturing to create needs all of these strengths and all of these gifts. Every individual is needed and wanted in His kingdom."
February 7, 2018
A lovely book. The theme and main message strikes me as being summarized by an idea expressed by Tom (as a recollection of something his parents said I believe), that we shouldn't worry about living perfectly, but that our focus should be on loving perfectly. There's a lot of love flowing out of this book, which is definitely to its benefit. I think it will be useful and comforting and touching for LGBTQ+ Mormons, but is probably even more needed for the families of those members. Tom's insistence on this being only his path and not necessarily the path for everyone is wise and good--there's an empathy for alternative perspectives and experiences throughout the book, while Tom maintains his hope that we can make a space for LGBTQ+ Mormons in the pews with us. I found particularly good Tom's discussion of how every LGBTQ+ Mormon will need to find an answer to the question of whether God would require something of them that He/She/They does not require of anyone else. Tom notes that he has found such an answer, but refuses to state it, reminding the reader that they need to find their own answer (and avoiding the unfair and well-intentioned weaponization of his answer against other LGBTQ+ Mormons). It also seemed needed to have the open discussion of the pain of every option currently available to LGBTQ+ Mormons (namely celibacy, a mixed-orientation marriage (which he speaks strongly about the dangers of), & pursuing a same-sex marriage outside of Mormonism). Anyway, the book is filled with love and compassion. Strongly recommend.
May 6, 2018
A Godsend. This should be required reading for every Bishop, every RS Pres, every YM and YW leader, every Primary teacher--well just anyone over 12 who's LDS, ok??
Even as I highly recommend it, and know how desperately this voice of reason and compassion is needed in the Church, I felt conflicted as I read. I had to almost skim some passages, because they triggered in me a deep frustration. I'm frustrated and more than that, angered that because of a handful of verses in the Old Testament, we have this problem at all. Or that it is made significantly worse b/c of the ostensible religious mandate against being gay.
Because of those few verses written by a primitive people in a primitive time, we still in 2018 have church members and entire religious communities who condemn and fear and sometimes even hate LGBTQ folks. And they justify it b/c of what's written in their holy book.
Tom Christofferson is very, very careful and faithful in his writing here, and sometimes I got mad about that too. I wanted him to just spew out some righteous indignation and wrath on this problem that shouldn't even BE A PROBLEM. Instead he is charitable, full of optimism and very careful in his suggestions. Which I know is the only thing that has a chance of persuading the exact people who need to be persuaded, so I guess he was wise. That said, I wouldn't mind reading something more forthright.
Tom believes we need to be patient, that the Lord will speak, that in the end we will understand the reasons behind the policy and all of this pain. I hope he's right, but I doubt it. I think the Church will eventually come around, but will it be too little too late?
Even as I highly recommend it, and know how desperately this voice of reason and compassion is needed in the Church, I felt conflicted as I read. I had to almost skim some passages, because they triggered in me a deep frustration. I'm frustrated and more than that, angered that because of a handful of verses in the Old Testament, we have this problem at all. Or that it is made significantly worse b/c of the ostensible religious mandate against being gay.
Because of those few verses written by a primitive people in a primitive time, we still in 2018 have church members and entire religious communities who condemn and fear and sometimes even hate LGBTQ folks. And they justify it b/c of what's written in their holy book.
Tom Christofferson is very, very careful and faithful in his writing here, and sometimes I got mad about that too. I wanted him to just spew out some righteous indignation and wrath on this problem that shouldn't even BE A PROBLEM. Instead he is charitable, full of optimism and very careful in his suggestions. Which I know is the only thing that has a chance of persuading the exact people who need to be persuaded, so I guess he was wise. That said, I wouldn't mind reading something more forthright.
Tom believes we need to be patient, that the Lord will speak, that in the end we will understand the reasons behind the policy and all of this pain. I hope he's right, but I doubt it. I think the Church will eventually come around, but will it be too little too late?
March 23, 2018
I don't often read or review a lot of religious books aside from standard scriptures, but I was compelled to read That We May Be One, and also felt compelled to write a review.
That We May Be One is, as the title says, a gay Mormon's perspective on faith and family, and Tom Christofferson was very careful in stating many times that it was just his perspective, which I appreciated because being everyone's road to understanding, living and working through such an emotional, spiritual, mental topic, is highly individual. I'm going to be completely honest, that as a Mormon, while in my brain I understand the doctrines and some (not all) of the reasons that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints holds to regarding LGBTQ friends who are LDS and non-LDS, my heart just aches for a more emotional understanding.
I thank Tom Christofferson for choosing to be vulnerable and helping me begin to align my brain and my heart and to be patient with what I do not know. While his book focuses on the issues the LGBTQ community has with the church and vice versa, I recommend this book for anyone who is interested in new thoughts and ideas that might help them become less judgmental of anyone who is different in any way from themselves. My favorite quote came from a friend of his, "The greatest form of charity may be to withhold judgment." For who am I to judge?
That We May Be One is, as the title says, a gay Mormon's perspective on faith and family, and Tom Christofferson was very careful in stating many times that it was just his perspective, which I appreciated because being everyone's road to understanding, living and working through such an emotional, spiritual, mental topic, is highly individual. I'm going to be completely honest, that as a Mormon, while in my brain I understand the doctrines and some (not all) of the reasons that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints holds to regarding LGBTQ friends who are LDS and non-LDS, my heart just aches for a more emotional understanding.
I thank Tom Christofferson for choosing to be vulnerable and helping me begin to align my brain and my heart and to be patient with what I do not know. While his book focuses on the issues the LGBTQ community has with the church and vice versa, I recommend this book for anyone who is interested in new thoughts and ideas that might help them become less judgmental of anyone who is different in any way from themselves. My favorite quote came from a friend of his, "The greatest form of charity may be to withhold judgment." For who am I to judge?
April 6, 2018
Every member of the church should read this book. Regardless of what are your opinions on LGBTQ issues, understanding how some people experience our congregations as not as inclusive and welcoming as they should be is critical to learning to see people the way the Savior sees them. The examples of TC's family, ward and church leaders goes a long way to show how we can - and must - make our families and ward congregations welcoming places for all without behavior or belief litmus tests.
January 11, 2018
This book was a balm to a troubled soul. Like many millennial Mormons I have some serious questions and concerns about the future for LGBTQ brothers and sisters I love. Christofferson uses scripture and his own perspective to help bring focus to what actually matters - being Christlike. A must read for every Mormon.
September 5, 2021
2021: I finally bought my own copy and so re-read this today. I really love this book. I love the lessons on acceptance and love and creating a place where all, particularly LGBTQ brothers and sisters, are truly welcome. And I love learning about how Brother Christofferson’s faith in Christ sustains him through those things that haven’t yet been sufficiently explained and can’t be understood through our current mortal understanding.
2018: Great book. I highly recommend it to anyone and everyone. To me, this book was all about compassion, love, and understanding and how we can support and build others up even when we can’t understand what they’re going through. I was struck by how even though everyone’s challenges are unique, they serve to bring us closer to the Savior and to each other. In particular, the Christofferson family’s example of love and acceptance was beautifully touching.
A few favorite quotes to remember:
“I don’t know why the Lord requires sacrifices from some of his children that He does not require from others. But it is clear that He sometimes does so.”
“The most important lesson your children will learn from how our family treats their Uncle Tom is that nothing they can ever do will take them outside the circle of our family’s love.” -Leah Jeanne Swenson Christofferson
“Through the amalgamation of many days of walking by faith, in darkness and light, I have also come to believe that being gay is one of the great blessings of my life. Had my existence been otherwise, it might have been easy for me to go along in the Church, with the testimony I had, and to have had a happy and relatively problem-free life. Because I am gay, there came a time when I had to KNOW, not merely believe, that Jesus Christ lives, that I will be resurrected as He was, and that through the power of His Atonement I can gain strength and power to become His worthy disciple.”
“... the message seemed to be that when we are presented with hard things, things we do not understand, we are left with Peter to cling to what we do know: that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the living God.”
“Don’t try to live too many days ahead. Seek for strength to attend to the problems of today.... do all that you can do and leave the rest to God, the Father of us all.” -Harold B. Lee
“Just as the capacity to defer gratification is a sign of real maturity, likewise the willingness to wait for deferred explanation is a sign of real faith and of trust spread over time.” -Neal A. Maxwell
“I am absolutely certain that there is One who understands every element of my life, every difficulty, every heartbreak, and time of loneliness, every feeling of being misunderstood and inaccurately judged. He also knows every hope and desire, every time of joy and peace in my life.”
“We can and must reach out to others in moments when they struggle with doubt, in seasons of trial when answers to prayers seem slow in coming. When someone’s love for the Church collides with the reality that all of us within it are imperfect, may we have the desire to invite every wandering lamb to partake of our Savior’s Atonement. Even in circumstances when we feel our abilities are unequal to our desires to heal the wounds of another, we can quietly reach out in kindness and empathy, being willing to simply listen and sustain.”
“At various times in our lives, questions arise on policies, procedures, and even principles. Our attitude, or how we ask the question, is vitally important. If we demand an answer on our terms, we may not see the answer the Lord is providing for us. Or if we have strong feelings about a matter and become unwilling to listen, we may not understand the answer when it is given. To receive answers to our genuine questions, seeking with a humble heart and an open mind is the first step.”
“People sometimes pass judgement without respecting agency and the need for all of us to follow where we feel we are being led, knowing that the consequences of our choices will rest upon us. And they may fail to recognize that any of us might be guided in new directions over time.”
“We can wish for greater understanding, or we can work, study, ponder, and pray for it, with patience awaiting the Lord’s time and method of enlightenment. We can focus on what we know now, what service we can offer now, what commandments we can follow now. We can seek to develop a character that is resilient, not brittle, one that can be molded through our humble willingness to be led in paths we cannot see.”
“Parents can have the greatest impact by creating an environment in which every family member feels included, respected, valued, and adored. The choices family members make will determine much of what their lives become, and all that makes up who they become, but home can be the one place where they are secure, where they find sustenance and give solace.”
2018: Great book. I highly recommend it to anyone and everyone. To me, this book was all about compassion, love, and understanding and how we can support and build others up even when we can’t understand what they’re going through. I was struck by how even though everyone’s challenges are unique, they serve to bring us closer to the Savior and to each other. In particular, the Christofferson family’s example of love and acceptance was beautifully touching.
A few favorite quotes to remember:
“I don’t know why the Lord requires sacrifices from some of his children that He does not require from others. But it is clear that He sometimes does so.”
“The most important lesson your children will learn from how our family treats their Uncle Tom is that nothing they can ever do will take them outside the circle of our family’s love.” -Leah Jeanne Swenson Christofferson
“Through the amalgamation of many days of walking by faith, in darkness and light, I have also come to believe that being gay is one of the great blessings of my life. Had my existence been otherwise, it might have been easy for me to go along in the Church, with the testimony I had, and to have had a happy and relatively problem-free life. Because I am gay, there came a time when I had to KNOW, not merely believe, that Jesus Christ lives, that I will be resurrected as He was, and that through the power of His Atonement I can gain strength and power to become His worthy disciple.”
“... the message seemed to be that when we are presented with hard things, things we do not understand, we are left with Peter to cling to what we do know: that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the living God.”
“Don’t try to live too many days ahead. Seek for strength to attend to the problems of today.... do all that you can do and leave the rest to God, the Father of us all.” -Harold B. Lee
“Just as the capacity to defer gratification is a sign of real maturity, likewise the willingness to wait for deferred explanation is a sign of real faith and of trust spread over time.” -Neal A. Maxwell
“I am absolutely certain that there is One who understands every element of my life, every difficulty, every heartbreak, and time of loneliness, every feeling of being misunderstood and inaccurately judged. He also knows every hope and desire, every time of joy and peace in my life.”
“We can and must reach out to others in moments when they struggle with doubt, in seasons of trial when answers to prayers seem slow in coming. When someone’s love for the Church collides with the reality that all of us within it are imperfect, may we have the desire to invite every wandering lamb to partake of our Savior’s Atonement. Even in circumstances when we feel our abilities are unequal to our desires to heal the wounds of another, we can quietly reach out in kindness and empathy, being willing to simply listen and sustain.”
“At various times in our lives, questions arise on policies, procedures, and even principles. Our attitude, or how we ask the question, is vitally important. If we demand an answer on our terms, we may not see the answer the Lord is providing for us. Or if we have strong feelings about a matter and become unwilling to listen, we may not understand the answer when it is given. To receive answers to our genuine questions, seeking with a humble heart and an open mind is the first step.”
“People sometimes pass judgement without respecting agency and the need for all of us to follow where we feel we are being led, knowing that the consequences of our choices will rest upon us. And they may fail to recognize that any of us might be guided in new directions over time.”
“We can wish for greater understanding, or we can work, study, ponder, and pray for it, with patience awaiting the Lord’s time and method of enlightenment. We can focus on what we know now, what service we can offer now, what commandments we can follow now. We can seek to develop a character that is resilient, not brittle, one that can be molded through our humble willingness to be led in paths we cannot see.”
“Parents can have the greatest impact by creating an environment in which every family member feels included, respected, valued, and adored. The choices family members make will determine much of what their lives become, and all that makes up who they become, but home can be the one place where they are secure, where they find sustenance and give solace.”
March 12, 2018
Things I want to remember:
His mom had very advanced cancer when he was only a few months old. After surgery, she also had to go through radiation and that was the hardest part for her. It made her feel terrible. One day, feeling very discouraged, she told her own mother that she just could not do 60 more treatments like this. Her mom replied, "Well, can you make it through today's?" She said yes. Her mom said that's all you ever have to do...just get through what you have to get through today.
In Latin the words for faith and loyalty are closely related. We express and demonstrate our faith by being loyal to our Heavenly Father and our Savior.
Just as the ability to delay gratification is a sign of maturity, the ability to defer explanation....to wait for answers that may not come in this life is an evidence of faith.(this is a paraphrase of a quote from Elder Maxwell. I listened to this on CD, so I don't have direct quotes.)
*This is one I really want to think about...he said he wonders if there is a connection between the depth of our conversion and the level of our experience of grace.
An analogy he shared: One day he went fishing with his father. He doesn't like fishing but his father enjoys it. After a while, his father hadn't caught anything so he asked his dad if it was okay if they headed back. His dad was disappointed but said yes. So he began to row and row and row. Finally, he looked over at his father...he was rowing but they were just going in a big circle. His dad laughed and said, "Would you like me to pull up the anchor?" Now when he sees that he's expending a lot of effort without getting good results or making progress, he checks to see if he is securely anchored to the Savior, Jesus Christ.
We cannot know in the life of another, with their unique biology, DNA, life experiences, etc. what it means for THEM to have fought the good fight, finished the course and kept the faith.
When he was a young boy, his family would take trips across the country from New Jersey to Utah to visit his grandparents. Back then only about 20% of cars had air conditioning. Nebraska always seemed especially flat and hot and difficult.On one of these trips, one of his brothers suggested that if they all kept their windows rolled up, then passengers in other cars would think how lucky they were to be among the few that had air conditioning. So they did for as long as they could tolerate it. Looking back, he wonders if anyone even noticed their windows up and if they did, did they notice the sweat dripping down all of their faces? Just like this, sometimes we try to show this perfect image as if we are the perfect family. If we can just look outwardly like we have it all together, then perhaps others will be envious and believe that we do. But this outward appearance won't change the reality of the challenges and struggles we face. There is always more to see and learn beyond the obvious.
He says people will be no more comfortable with him than he is with himself. If he exudes an outward windows rolled up air-conditioned car, when realistically inside there is sweat dripping off him, then people will eventually see through that facade. But if he is comfortable with who he is, and share that with the world, most people will respond in kind.
The level of success of parents is indicated by the amount of love and unity within the family, not by the level of activity within the church. Individual agency determines level of activity in the church, but parents play a significant role in making sure that every child feels loved, included and an important part of the family. This will only happen if every family member pulls their own weight. Meaning, for example, if a gay family member sits back and waits to participate or to feel united with his family only if every other member of the family reaches out to him first, he will not feel much love and unity compared to someone who also reached out and participated and showed love.
Every relationship will be more successful if our thoughts are centered on how we can bless the other person's life rather than how they can help us. Scorekeeping is fatal. Relationships within a family are not a zero sum game.
His mom had very advanced cancer when he was only a few months old. After surgery, she also had to go through radiation and that was the hardest part for her. It made her feel terrible. One day, feeling very discouraged, she told her own mother that she just could not do 60 more treatments like this. Her mom replied, "Well, can you make it through today's?" She said yes. Her mom said that's all you ever have to do...just get through what you have to get through today.
In Latin the words for faith and loyalty are closely related. We express and demonstrate our faith by being loyal to our Heavenly Father and our Savior.
Just as the ability to delay gratification is a sign of maturity, the ability to defer explanation....to wait for answers that may not come in this life is an evidence of faith.(this is a paraphrase of a quote from Elder Maxwell. I listened to this on CD, so I don't have direct quotes.)
*This is one I really want to think about...he said he wonders if there is a connection between the depth of our conversion and the level of our experience of grace.
An analogy he shared: One day he went fishing with his father. He doesn't like fishing but his father enjoys it. After a while, his father hadn't caught anything so he asked his dad if it was okay if they headed back. His dad was disappointed but said yes. So he began to row and row and row. Finally, he looked over at his father...he was rowing but they were just going in a big circle. His dad laughed and said, "Would you like me to pull up the anchor?" Now when he sees that he's expending a lot of effort without getting good results or making progress, he checks to see if he is securely anchored to the Savior, Jesus Christ.
We cannot know in the life of another, with their unique biology, DNA, life experiences, etc. what it means for THEM to have fought the good fight, finished the course and kept the faith.
When he was a young boy, his family would take trips across the country from New Jersey to Utah to visit his grandparents. Back then only about 20% of cars had air conditioning. Nebraska always seemed especially flat and hot and difficult.On one of these trips, one of his brothers suggested that if they all kept their windows rolled up, then passengers in other cars would think how lucky they were to be among the few that had air conditioning. So they did for as long as they could tolerate it. Looking back, he wonders if anyone even noticed their windows up and if they did, did they notice the sweat dripping down all of their faces? Just like this, sometimes we try to show this perfect image as if we are the perfect family. If we can just look outwardly like we have it all together, then perhaps others will be envious and believe that we do. But this outward appearance won't change the reality of the challenges and struggles we face. There is always more to see and learn beyond the obvious.
He says people will be no more comfortable with him than he is with himself. If he exudes an outward windows rolled up air-conditioned car, when realistically inside there is sweat dripping off him, then people will eventually see through that facade. But if he is comfortable with who he is, and share that with the world, most people will respond in kind.
The level of success of parents is indicated by the amount of love and unity within the family, not by the level of activity within the church. Individual agency determines level of activity in the church, but parents play a significant role in making sure that every child feels loved, included and an important part of the family. This will only happen if every family member pulls their own weight. Meaning, for example, if a gay family member sits back and waits to participate or to feel united with his family only if every other member of the family reaches out to him first, he will not feel much love and unity compared to someone who also reached out and participated and showed love.
Every relationship will be more successful if our thoughts are centered on how we can bless the other person's life rather than how they can help us. Scorekeeping is fatal. Relationships within a family are not a zero sum game.
November 29, 2017
I read this once and am now most of the way through it a second time on audiobook. I heard the author speak recently, and I was so touched by his gentle wit and profound wisdom. Hearing him read his own words in the audiobook is especially meaningful, although I want to go back to the physical book to underline passages and make notes. FYI, Deseret Book has a new audiobook/e-book subscription offering that follows the Netflix model of being able to listen to (or read the e-book of) anything in their catalog for just the cost of the monthly subscription (I think $8/mo., but I'm still in my first free month)--stop and start any book anytime. I much prefer that to the Audible model of having to outright buy any audiobooks before you can listen to them.
This book has given me so much to think about. My thoughts have been swirling around for a few weeks now, and I'm not ready to write a full review, but when I do I plan to include plenty of quotes. In the meantime, I can't recommend this book enough (in fact, I already have recommended it to quite a few people already) to my LDS friends or those wanting to better understand how to puzzle together LGBT issues relating to the Mormon church. The book is invaluable for those who may have family and friends "on the rainbow" as well as being a wonderful, faith-inspiring reference for church leaders and any others wanting to develop a greater understanding, Christ-like compassion, and empathy. Highly recommended! Read it!
This book has given me so much to think about. My thoughts have been swirling around for a few weeks now, and I'm not ready to write a full review, but when I do I plan to include plenty of quotes. In the meantime, I can't recommend this book enough (in fact, I already have recommended it to quite a few people already) to my LDS friends or those wanting to better understand how to puzzle together LGBT issues relating to the Mormon church. The book is invaluable for those who may have family and friends "on the rainbow" as well as being a wonderful, faith-inspiring reference for church leaders and any others wanting to develop a greater understanding, Christ-like compassion, and empathy. Highly recommended! Read it!
September 29, 2017
Groundbreaking in terms of topic, but written in the emotionally stale cadence of a conference talk or Ensign article. I never felt any tension in his return to the Church. He skips past that and looks at things from a distance that is helpful, but I felt like it was a bit whitewashed. For example, he says that his decision to separate from his partner was hard and hurtful, but he passes by the topic with a shrug.
June 4, 2019
Great content! I feel like this is a subject that needs to be discussed more frequently in the church and this is a good first step for anyone wanting to learn more about one man’s perspective on being a gay member of the church.
Gospel insights and principles were weaved into every chapter so the book is uplifting and hopeful.
Gospel insights and principles were weaved into every chapter so the book is uplifting and hopeful.
February 20, 2018
Personal in all the right ways, and shared at a time when it is desperately needed. This book has deep potential to change hearts and minds.
July 20, 2020
Every member of the Church should read this book! I love the message- love everyone where they are at. Don’t expect them to change. Be accepting and inviting. Screaming the teachings of the church doesn’t change anyone’s mind. And it doesn’t fulfill the greatest commandments to love God and others. His conversation back to the church is beautiful, but he’s also very clear that this is not the path of every LGBTQ+ person. And it’s not our place to judge anyone’s path. I love the stories he told of the ward he attended with his partner. They loved them as they were, with no expectation of change. I hope we can all be this loving and accepting!!
I listened to the audio read by the author. It was fabulous! I’m so picky about narrators, as I’m not an audio learner and sometimes struggle. But I never got distracted while listening. He sounds like an old friend. Someone I want to know. And I already miss his voice! Haha. I’m weird, I know.... But I’ve moved on to listening to Elder Holland read one of his books, so I think I’ll be ok.
I listened to the audio read by the author. It was fabulous! I’m so picky about narrators, as I’m not an audio learner and sometimes struggle. But I never got distracted while listening. He sounds like an old friend. Someone I want to know. And I already miss his voice! Haha. I’m weird, I know.... But I’ve moved on to listening to Elder Holland read one of his books, so I think I’ll be ok.
May 9, 2018
I have been waiting in anticipation to read Tom Christofferon's book That We May Be One ever since it was announced. Tom Christofferson is the brother of the LDS apostle D. Todd Christofferson. He is gay, and spent 19 years married to a same-sex partner outside the Church. Now as a member in full fellowship, he has shared his story in a desire to help LGBT brothers and sisters and their families. I was able to meet Tom last year at the Northstar conference where he was a keynote speaker. To me, he had a quiet and humble faith about him that gave one a sense of his spiritual maturity. I feel that comes out very well in his book. He doesn't try to draw attention to himself. He also is very charitable in his remarks about Church members and the institutional Church. He states at the end that "I am not a psychiatrist or a trained mental health professional. I am not a general authority. I do not hold myself out as a role model... I am simply one who aspires to become steady and trustworthy disciple of my Lord. I am a son, a brother, an uncle, a friend."
Tom's sharing of his experiences to me is holy. It is in such moments of vulnerability that we can come to grow and embody Christ's love. Tom's story is ultimately a story of conversion, not just a story of being Mormon and gay. When I first put my own story to paper, I tried to express this concept myself, that my experience being gay is an integral part of the faith I have today.
The book begins in a poignant moment with Tom and his partner driving past a local LDS church building as they looked for a new home in New Canaan, Connecticut. Tom comes back to this moment multiple times in the book, and I think that moment reflects the draw that all LGBT members feel towards their membership in the Church. Even when we distance ourselves because we feel hurt or rejected or lost, we feel drawn to our spiritual roots and a place we called, call, or wish to call home.
The part I found the most moving in Tom's story was the depth of his family's love, and their willingness to express it. I was trying to calculate when these events were occurring-- perhaps in the seventies or eighties. Even in a time when the topic of homosexuality was still anathema, his family in their own private circle were showing a mature and full level of Christlike love.
In their first family meeting after Tom came out, his mom expresses their family's resolution to love and keep Tom and his boyfriend in the family circle: "I'm ashamed to say it, but there was a time when I thought we were the perfect Mormon family... I thought we really had it all figured out. But then life happens, and I realized that there is no perfect Mormon family. The only thing we can really be perfect at is loving each other. The most important thing your children will learn from how our family treats their Uncle Tom is that nothing they can ever do will take them outside the circle of our family's love." The family embraced them, not shying away or hiding it from the kids. This gave me a deep sense of awe.
The part I found most profound was Tom's theme of living in paradox. This has been my own experience, and reminded me of similar discussions found on LDS Perspectives and Fowler's Stages of Faith. Tom included a quote from Bob Rees that expresses that sentiment:
I distrust two kinds of Mormon: those who only think, and those who never think; I distrust two kinds of Mormon: those who only feel, and those who never feel; it is living the tension-- any member of any religion will tell you if they are vitally engaged in that religion there is tension, and we can't escape it and so therefore we should embrace it. Christ's life is an embracing of tension, Christ's life is an embracing of paradox and conundra and enigma, it's trying to make things work that don't seem to work.
On some days I have felt that being gay and Mormon doesn't seem to work. But Christ's incarnation, the ultimate paradox of being both god and man, shows that God is big enough to contain multitudes. We really do believe in an infinite Atonement, and it is in such experiences when I get vertigo from realizing what infinite really means.
I was also touched when Tom included a chapter entitled Daily Bread. I first came across this concept from Tom's brother Elder Christofferson in a video of the same name. This principle has given me hope and sustained me in times of trouble. Elder Christofferson explains through his own personal experiences that we can only live one day at a time accepting the daily bread that the Lord provides, as the Israelites did with the manna from heaven. When I first saw this video, I felt a deep and abiding confirmation that I would be a faithful member and disciple of Christ if lived by daily bread. Daily bread reminds us that we can't be perfect all in a day, neither will we ever have all the answers. The just live by faith.
The one aspect I wish Tom would have been able to express more is his experience during his 19 years outside the Church. He spends very little book time here, partly for understandable reasons of wanting to respect his partner's privacy. In the end, choosing to exclude those chapters of his life perhaps make the book an easier read for members just barely beginning to wrestle with the complexities of the LGBT-Mormon interface. Tom's book adds a lot to the discussion imbuing it with both honesty and charity without a need to speak with a "tell it how it is" tone.
September 2, 2019
Admittedly, I didn’t quite finish this book because my audible version was returned to the library before I could finish. However, this book was an interesting perspective on the gay experience within Mormon culture. It offers a lot of insight, teaches understanding, and draws from a full life of personal experience. It does not adhere to many popular or modern beliefs about being gay in 2019 (live your truth, etc.) but rather upholds the biblical principles of marriage being between a man and a woman and complete chastity both in and out of marriage. Written by a gay man, it’s very interesting to hear his take on living in both worlds: having a committed gay partner for much of his life and also his time later in life choosing to live sexually abstinent and returning to Mormonism.
I imagine there would be many who would scoff at this book because it is Christian-based. As for me, I usually try to put myself in a place of neutrality when it comes to the ‘should’ or ‘should not’s in the gay sphere. I feel like I can’t judge another person without walking a mile in their shoes... and in this case I probably never will walk in these particular shoes.
While this particular man chose to return to his religion and reject some of his gay identity and lifestyle, he in no way demeans those who choose to continue to fully embrace being gay, nor is it a call to return to Mormonism. I feel this book is in a way more geared towards those who may be seeking guidance on how to approach friends or family members who are gay and to shed light on their experience. I think anyone of any sexual orientation or experience could appreciate his story and if anything gain more compassion for the human experience. It might also teach you how to approach your own feelings about yourself or others with complete nonjudgement and pure Christ-like love. I appreciated his openness and vulnerability in sharing his story with the world and see this book as a sort of bridge between two supposedly opposite worlds and showing how much more we are really all the same.
I imagine there would be many who would scoff at this book because it is Christian-based. As for me, I usually try to put myself in a place of neutrality when it comes to the ‘should’ or ‘should not’s in the gay sphere. I feel like I can’t judge another person without walking a mile in their shoes... and in this case I probably never will walk in these particular shoes.
While this particular man chose to return to his religion and reject some of his gay identity and lifestyle, he in no way demeans those who choose to continue to fully embrace being gay, nor is it a call to return to Mormonism. I feel this book is in a way more geared towards those who may be seeking guidance on how to approach friends or family members who are gay and to shed light on their experience. I think anyone of any sexual orientation or experience could appreciate his story and if anything gain more compassion for the human experience. It might also teach you how to approach your own feelings about yourself or others with complete nonjudgement and pure Christ-like love. I appreciated his openness and vulnerability in sharing his story with the world and see this book as a sort of bridge between two supposedly opposite worlds and showing how much more we are really all the same.
January 9, 2021
Very touching. Loved hearing Tom’s story and was fascinated by how accepting his “strong Mormon family” was in the 80’s/90’s. This book left me wanting to love on every LGBTQ individual. Everyone’s path is so unique and we must do all we can to be loving, compassionate, and inviting. I loved his thoughts on being allies with our gay loved ones. It’s not our job to judge. We should listen to and love them where they are now and be as inclusive as possible.
“ye shall not forbid any man from coming unto you when ye shall meet together, but suffer them that they may come unto you and forbid them not” -3 Nephi 18:22
“I realized that there in no perfect Mormon family the only thing we can really be perfect at is loving each other” -Tom’s mom
“If you are a gay teenager please believe me when I say I promise it gets better.”
“There is nothing shameful about being gay, bisexual, gender, or queer. Nothing.”
“ye shall not forbid any man from coming unto you when ye shall meet together, but suffer them that they may come unto you and forbid them not” -3 Nephi 18:22
“I realized that there in no perfect Mormon family the only thing we can really be perfect at is loving each other” -Tom’s mom
“If you are a gay teenager please believe me when I say I promise it gets better.”
“There is nothing shameful about being gay, bisexual, gender, or queer. Nothing.”
January 4, 2020
Yes, we are all one!
This is a beautiful book. As a gay man and a convert to the Church, Tom’s book was refreshing and insightful. I must admit though, after my baptism I purchased his book. It didn't resonate at first, because I didn't understand the verbiage etc. (I was still green.) Now that I'm a full temple recommend, Ward mission leader, I can resonate with every page.
This book also goes beyond the LGBT community, heterosexuals Will benefit from his strong testimony and continued faith into the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
~ Dennis Schleicher - Best-selling author of; Is He Nuts?: Why a Gay Man Would Become a Member of the Church of Jesus Christ
This is a beautiful book. As a gay man and a convert to the Church, Tom’s book was refreshing and insightful. I must admit though, after my baptism I purchased his book. It didn't resonate at first, because I didn't understand the verbiage etc. (I was still green.) Now that I'm a full temple recommend, Ward mission leader, I can resonate with every page.
This book also goes beyond the LGBT community, heterosexuals Will benefit from his strong testimony and continued faith into the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
~ Dennis Schleicher - Best-selling author of; Is He Nuts?: Why a Gay Man Would Become a Member of the Church of Jesus Christ
December 6, 2018
The older I get the more I believe that much of the purpose of this life is to gain empathy. Several close friends identify as LGBTQ. Some have gotten married. Others are single. Some have stayed in the Church. Others have not. They are dear friends. While I don’t pretend to understand their specific feelings, I have sat with them and cried with them. We can have endless discussions dealing with reconciling sexuality, theology, and institutional practices and policies. But the thing I can do today is love those around me. I recommend this book to all who seek to develop a greater empathy and love for those around them. Be they LGBTQ or other.
June 18, 2018
This book is good way to continue the conversation on LGBTQ issues and the Mormon church. This conversation is clearly evolving (which is good) but there are still some sticky points.
These points are worth discussion, but after typing them out several times, I find that for me it's better to hold my thoughts for in-person discussion rather than leave them here to be read and possibly misinterpreted, open to strangers' opinions and commentary.
In all, this book is worth reading, specifically for Mormons who are trying to gain an understanding of and love for LGBTQ children of God.
These points are worth discussion, but after typing them out several times, I find that for me it's better to hold my thoughts for in-person discussion rather than leave them here to be read and possibly misinterpreted, open to strangers' opinions and commentary.
In all, this book is worth reading, specifically for Mormons who are trying to gain an understanding of and love for LGBTQ children of God.
June 10, 2018
What a beautiful, loving book. I really enjoyed it and I think it would be helpful for everyone in the church to read this book. I appreciated Christofferson’s suggestion to try to love perfectly instead of trying to live perfectly. My only critique is that I would have liked more detail—his struggles were described pretty vaguely—but I also understand his desire for privacy and wanting to focus on the hope of the Atonement.
January 7, 2020
I really liked the parts of the book where he talked about his personal experiences as a gay Mormon and as the brother of an apostle. I didn’t love the parts where he taught gospel principles. He would be a really cool friend to have but not a wonderful Sunday school teacher. I do highly recommend this book to members of the Church of Jesus Christ who have gay family members. This would be a great start to path of empathy.
October 21, 2019
This book has healed my soul in so many ways. I loved that the whole essence of “How we May Be One” was about being more Christlike.
The examples of Christofferson’s family were truly inspirational. I’m happy I read this book when I did and I hope that every member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints reads this book!
The examples of Christofferson’s family were truly inspirational. I’m happy I read this book when I did and I hope that every member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints reads this book!
September 23, 2022
A terrific perspective on LGBTQ issues and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Not only is the author’s experience instructive, he fits LGBTQ issues into the larger context of developing faith. And in the process he offers some wonderful insights about discipleship that apply to everyone. I highly recommend this one.
February 1, 2024
I kind of want everyone I know to read this one. I think it’s really important. I really appreciated the author sharing his unique perspective and feelings.
Read
May 25, 2024I was grateful to read this. It taught me much.
Quotes:
"To me, 'gay' is a word I use to encompass some core elements of how I see and engage the world, the romantic pull I feel, and where the depth and breadth of relationships I form arise, the yearnings of my heart to connect with a unique other, to love and be loved...
To me, the descriptor 'same-sex attracted' fails to convey a sufficiently broad understanding. If you are a 'straight' person, happily married to your companion, does the word 'attraction' convey the depth of your feeling? Or, more likely, is it just a tiny, albeit happy, portion of the whole of your relationship?" (p. xvi - xvii)
"Few things open doors of understanding more effectively than an honest acknowledgement of the desire to be taught."
"LGBTQ people are individuals with unique lives... We can be far more effective in our communications if we talk about behaviors [rather than lifestyle]" (p. xviii)
"Being gay is to me not simply an attraction, nor does it necessarily refer to sexual behavior - it is itself a way of being, an existence, an identity, a way of relating to the world and expressing one's existence." (p. xix)
"They [parents] took time to discover how best to respond after I came out to them. Gratefully, they anchored their lives equally to their rock-solid commitment to the gospel of Jesus Christ and to their love for every member of their family." (p. 16)
Mom's words: "'There is no perfect family. The only thing we can really be perfect at is loving each other...The most important lesson your children will learn from how our family treats their Uncle Tom is that nothing they can ever do will take them outside the circle of our family's love.'" (p. 19)
Dad: "'I think each generation gets better at parenting and learning to show our love.'" (p. 20)
"My parents concluded that the two most critical elements of their lives, their testimonies of the gospel of Jesus Christ and their love for their children, could only be fully realized together... To leave either rock on which they had built their lives, faith or family, Church or children, was incomprehensible to them.
For a couple of decades when I chose not to have any involvement with the Church, as they listened to the promptings they were receiving, my parents focused on their enjoyment of our time together, ensuring that I was always included in family events... I also felt that they liked me, they were genuinely interested in all elements of my life, and they wanted to share my whole life with them.... Through them I came to understand the meaning of unqualified love. (p. 23-24)
"Their love for me erected no barriers. If I was interested in something, they were interested. I recall Dad asking me...what I had learned about wine... I clearly learned that my father wanted to know me - not the person he hoped or wished I might be, but the person I had become. That, to me, is love unfeigned." (p. 24-25)
"In their eternal family, we are brothers and sisters of those entrusted to us as children on this earth. In the understanding of a peer relationship, those parents have found it easier to live by faith in the wisdom and understanding of our shared Heavenly Parents and to embrace the gift of agency as an essential part of their child's mortal experience." (p. 25)
"Live in the light of today rather than in the shadow of future uncertainties. One doesn't marry at age fourteen, so why must the decision about marriage take place at that moment?" (p. 34)
"It may be more useful and more accurate to think of trials, and of the process of living for daily bread, not as tests but as revelation. Our trials can be seen as encounters that reveal us to ourselves and, much more important, as occasions when the Savior is revealed to us." (p. 36)
"In the eternities we may need the loyalty and faith we have developed on earth through our experience of learning to trust daily bread... The process of patient perseverance and learning day by day may be the same." (p. 38)
"There is no sin in attraction. Nothing about your child makes him or her an enemy to God. Homosexuality is simply a fact in this world." (p. 43)
"Thriving in ambiguity is a skill that can be learned and practiced." (p. 44)
"I do not know why the Lord requires sacrifices from some of His children that He does not require from others. But it is clear that He sometimes does so." (p. 50-51)
"You will need to find your own answer to the question of God's apparently differential requirements of His children." (p. 52)
"If you decide not to participate in that important moment [marriage] in your child's life, you may have many years to regret the divide that can be created... An opportunity this can be to increase family unity, to show pure love, and to solidify relationships! Just as your children will not be in doubt about your personal discipleship, neither will they doubt the importance you place on being a lovingly engaged part of their lives." (p. 58)
"Accepting others does not mean that we condone, agree with, or conform to their beliefs or choices, but simply that we allow the realities of their lives to be different from our own... A willingness to accept the realities of another's life conveys respect for agency, for maturity, for responsibility, for intelligence." (p. 60)
"People sometimes pass judgment without respecting agency and the need for all of us to follow where we feel we are being led, knowing that the consequences of our choices will rest upon us. And they may fail to recognize that any of us might be guided in new directions over time." (p. 77)
"That is the most important lesson my parents and I learned: that 'success' in parents' efforts is measured by the love and unity in a family, not by the church activity of each family member - personal agency plays the key role determining that. But parents can have the greatest impact by creating an environment in which every family member feels included, respected, valued, and adored. The choices family members make will determine much of what their lives become, and all that makes up WHO they become, but home can be one place where they are secure, where they find sustenance and give solace." (p. 86)
"The study of the character of Christ could be an exercise in lifelong learning and would also prove helpful in my life... During times when we struggle to understand Heavenly Father's plan for us, we can find helpful insight when we focus on Christ." (p. 126)
Bob Rees: "I distrust two kinds of Mormon: those who only think, and those who never think; I distrust two kinds of Mormon: those who only feel, and those who never feel; it is living the tension - any member of any religion will tell you if they are vitally engaged in that religion there is tension, and we can't escape it and so therefore we should embrace it. Christ's life is an embracing of tension, Christ's life is an embracing of paradox and conundra and enigma, it's trying to make things work that don't seem to work." (p. 130)
Matthew 21:18-20 - cursing of fig tree: "In the cultural understanding of the time, as the owner of the tree was harvesting its fruit, he should have left some on the tree for the disadvantaged and for travelers. 'The owner of the fig tree did not obey the law but spurned it. Our Lord came and found that there was nothing left on it, so he cursed it, lest its owner eat from it again, since he had left nothing for the orphan and widows.' Losing a tree may have been costly to the owner, but this reminder of the great commandments to love God and serve His children may have provided an opportunity to reflect and change course." (p. 137)
"If our sole or primary focus in becoming a disciple of Jesus Christ is to LIVE perfectly, to observe every performance and commandment perfectly, we are likely to discover that we turn inward. Our focus is on ourselves, on what and how we are doing, and in that self-assessment mode it is almost inevitable that we will come to compare our efforts to those of others. We may discover pride when we feel that our efforts are surpassing those of others around us. We may discover envy when we feel that our efforts are falling short of those around us. We will likely ignore what the Lord has told us, that our intentions and desires are at least as important as our actions. We may become hypercritical of ourselves...
However, if our primary focus and object in life is to LOVE perfectly, then we may discover all the Savior was striving to teach us about contrite and ultimately changed hearts... When we seek to love perfectly, our focus is outward. We strive to learn what it is that God loves about each one of His children. Knowledge of our own shortcomings creates a humble desire to aid, to lift, to serve a brother or sister in need." (p. 140-141)
Quotes:
"To me, 'gay' is a word I use to encompass some core elements of how I see and engage the world, the romantic pull I feel, and where the depth and breadth of relationships I form arise, the yearnings of my heart to connect with a unique other, to love and be loved...
To me, the descriptor 'same-sex attracted' fails to convey a sufficiently broad understanding. If you are a 'straight' person, happily married to your companion, does the word 'attraction' convey the depth of your feeling? Or, more likely, is it just a tiny, albeit happy, portion of the whole of your relationship?" (p. xvi - xvii)
"Few things open doors of understanding more effectively than an honest acknowledgement of the desire to be taught."
"LGBTQ people are individuals with unique lives... We can be far more effective in our communications if we talk about behaviors [rather than lifestyle]" (p. xviii)
"Being gay is to me not simply an attraction, nor does it necessarily refer to sexual behavior - it is itself a way of being, an existence, an identity, a way of relating to the world and expressing one's existence." (p. xix)
"They [parents] took time to discover how best to respond after I came out to them. Gratefully, they anchored their lives equally to their rock-solid commitment to the gospel of Jesus Christ and to their love for every member of their family." (p. 16)
Mom's words: "'There is no perfect family. The only thing we can really be perfect at is loving each other...The most important lesson your children will learn from how our family treats their Uncle Tom is that nothing they can ever do will take them outside the circle of our family's love.'" (p. 19)
Dad: "'I think each generation gets better at parenting and learning to show our love.'" (p. 20)
"My parents concluded that the two most critical elements of their lives, their testimonies of the gospel of Jesus Christ and their love for their children, could only be fully realized together... To leave either rock on which they had built their lives, faith or family, Church or children, was incomprehensible to them.
For a couple of decades when I chose not to have any involvement with the Church, as they listened to the promptings they were receiving, my parents focused on their enjoyment of our time together, ensuring that I was always included in family events... I also felt that they liked me, they were genuinely interested in all elements of my life, and they wanted to share my whole life with them.... Through them I came to understand the meaning of unqualified love. (p. 23-24)
"Their love for me erected no barriers. If I was interested in something, they were interested. I recall Dad asking me...what I had learned about wine... I clearly learned that my father wanted to know me - not the person he hoped or wished I might be, but the person I had become. That, to me, is love unfeigned." (p. 24-25)
"In their eternal family, we are brothers and sisters of those entrusted to us as children on this earth. In the understanding of a peer relationship, those parents have found it easier to live by faith in the wisdom and understanding of our shared Heavenly Parents and to embrace the gift of agency as an essential part of their child's mortal experience." (p. 25)
"Live in the light of today rather than in the shadow of future uncertainties. One doesn't marry at age fourteen, so why must the decision about marriage take place at that moment?" (p. 34)
"It may be more useful and more accurate to think of trials, and of the process of living for daily bread, not as tests but as revelation. Our trials can be seen as encounters that reveal us to ourselves and, much more important, as occasions when the Savior is revealed to us." (p. 36)
"In the eternities we may need the loyalty and faith we have developed on earth through our experience of learning to trust daily bread... The process of patient perseverance and learning day by day may be the same." (p. 38)
"There is no sin in attraction. Nothing about your child makes him or her an enemy to God. Homosexuality is simply a fact in this world." (p. 43)
"Thriving in ambiguity is a skill that can be learned and practiced." (p. 44)
"I do not know why the Lord requires sacrifices from some of His children that He does not require from others. But it is clear that He sometimes does so." (p. 50-51)
"You will need to find your own answer to the question of God's apparently differential requirements of His children." (p. 52)
"If you decide not to participate in that important moment [marriage] in your child's life, you may have many years to regret the divide that can be created... An opportunity this can be to increase family unity, to show pure love, and to solidify relationships! Just as your children will not be in doubt about your personal discipleship, neither will they doubt the importance you place on being a lovingly engaged part of their lives." (p. 58)
"Accepting others does not mean that we condone, agree with, or conform to their beliefs or choices, but simply that we allow the realities of their lives to be different from our own... A willingness to accept the realities of another's life conveys respect for agency, for maturity, for responsibility, for intelligence." (p. 60)
"People sometimes pass judgment without respecting agency and the need for all of us to follow where we feel we are being led, knowing that the consequences of our choices will rest upon us. And they may fail to recognize that any of us might be guided in new directions over time." (p. 77)
"That is the most important lesson my parents and I learned: that 'success' in parents' efforts is measured by the love and unity in a family, not by the church activity of each family member - personal agency plays the key role determining that. But parents can have the greatest impact by creating an environment in which every family member feels included, respected, valued, and adored. The choices family members make will determine much of what their lives become, and all that makes up WHO they become, but home can be one place where they are secure, where they find sustenance and give solace." (p. 86)
"The study of the character of Christ could be an exercise in lifelong learning and would also prove helpful in my life... During times when we struggle to understand Heavenly Father's plan for us, we can find helpful insight when we focus on Christ." (p. 126)
Bob Rees: "I distrust two kinds of Mormon: those who only think, and those who never think; I distrust two kinds of Mormon: those who only feel, and those who never feel; it is living the tension - any member of any religion will tell you if they are vitally engaged in that religion there is tension, and we can't escape it and so therefore we should embrace it. Christ's life is an embracing of tension, Christ's life is an embracing of paradox and conundra and enigma, it's trying to make things work that don't seem to work." (p. 130)
Matthew 21:18-20 - cursing of fig tree: "In the cultural understanding of the time, as the owner of the tree was harvesting its fruit, he should have left some on the tree for the disadvantaged and for travelers. 'The owner of the fig tree did not obey the law but spurned it. Our Lord came and found that there was nothing left on it, so he cursed it, lest its owner eat from it again, since he had left nothing for the orphan and widows.' Losing a tree may have been costly to the owner, but this reminder of the great commandments to love God and serve His children may have provided an opportunity to reflect and change course." (p. 137)
"If our sole or primary focus in becoming a disciple of Jesus Christ is to LIVE perfectly, to observe every performance and commandment perfectly, we are likely to discover that we turn inward. Our focus is on ourselves, on what and how we are doing, and in that self-assessment mode it is almost inevitable that we will come to compare our efforts to those of others. We may discover pride when we feel that our efforts are surpassing those of others around us. We may discover envy when we feel that our efforts are falling short of those around us. We will likely ignore what the Lord has told us, that our intentions and desires are at least as important as our actions. We may become hypercritical of ourselves...
However, if our primary focus and object in life is to LOVE perfectly, then we may discover all the Savior was striving to teach us about contrite and ultimately changed hearts... When we seek to love perfectly, our focus is outward. We strive to learn what it is that God loves about each one of His children. Knowledge of our own shortcomings creates a humble desire to aid, to lift, to serve a brother or sister in need." (p. 140-141)
June 3, 2025
In his book, Tom Christofferson shares his experience as a gay man who was raised in the Church of Jesus Christ, left for a few decades, then eventually got re-baptized in the Church. It reads like a devotional, quoting scriptures and modern apostles on almost every page, mixed in with some of Christofferson’s personal experiences. He comes from a really tight-knit family of amazing parents and four brothers who stood by him and loved him even when he didn’t share their same beliefs or lifestyle. And as he started seeking the gospel of Jesus Christ again, he had really great local leaders who welcomed him with open arms and supported him through every step of his spiritual journey. It was sweet and inspiring to see how kindly he was treated.
I think this book can help members of the Church develop empathy for the LGBTQ+ community and encourage us all to be more welcoming and nonjudgmental, always, wherever we are.
My main take-away is that as we seek to become a Zion people, we must be “united in hearts and minds in our love for the Savior. Every person is needed and wanted. The work of salvation and exaltation is essential for every one of us and requires every strength, talent, and capability that we have been given—and in that effort we sustain and support one another.”
I think this book can help members of the Church develop empathy for the LGBTQ+ community and encourage us all to be more welcoming and nonjudgmental, always, wherever we are.
My main take-away is that as we seek to become a Zion people, we must be “united in hearts and minds in our love for the Savior. Every person is needed and wanted. The work of salvation and exaltation is essential for every one of us and requires every strength, talent, and capability that we have been given—and in that effort we sustain and support one another.”
Displaying 1 - 30 of 535 reviews