Choose Your Own Disaster

by Dana Schwartz

A"hilarious and heartbreaking" (Jo Piazza) and unflinchingly honest memoir about one young woman's terrible and life-changing decisions while hoping--and sometimes failing--to find herself, in the style of Never Have I Ever and Adulting .

Join Dana Schwartz on a journey revisiting all of the awful choices she made in her early twenties through the internet's favorite method of the quiz. Part-memoir, part-VERY long personality test, Choose Your Own Disaster is a manifesto about the millennial experience and modern feminism and how the easy advice of "you can be anything you want!" is actually pretty fucking difficult when there are so many possible versions of yourself it seems like you could be.

Dana has no idea who she is, but at least she knows she's a Carrie, a Ravenclaw, a Raphael, a Belle, a former emo kid, a Twitter addict, and a millennial just trying her best.

This long-form personality quiz manages to combine humor with unflinching honesty as one young woman tries to find herself amid the many, many choices that your twenties have to offer.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Humor, Essays, Choose Your Own Adventure, Autobiography, Contemporary

272 pages, Paperback

First published June 19, 2018

About the author

Dana Schwartz was born and raised in the suburbs of Chicago. She attended Brown University where she studied biology and public policy before realizing that she would only be happy if she tried to be a writer. While in college, she created the viral parody twitter account @GuyInYourMFA. Dana worked as a writer for Mental Floss, The Observer, and Entertainment Weekly, with additional bylines for GQ, Marie Claire, Cosmopolitan, Vanity Fair, and NewYorker.com.

Dana is the host and creator of the hit history podcast Noble Blood. She also writes for television. She lives in Los Angeles.

Reviews

[Jim Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not read this, but giving it a five star rating to balance out the one star rating by another bloke who hasn't read it. Balance is maintained.

Edit: Noooo! Don't make this the top liked review!!! I'M SO SORRY DANA!

[Natalie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Personality Tests & Modern Feminism

It's known by now that I'm a fan of memoirs, given that I'm easily swept up in the juicy secrets of someone’s thoughts and secrets without having to reciprocate; it's bliss for my nosy self.

With this new release part-memoir, part-VERY long personality test, Choose Your Own Disaster is a manifesto about the millennial experience and modern feminism and how the easy advice of “you can be anything you want!” is actually pretty fucking difficult when there are so many possible versions of yourself it seems like you could be. Dana has no idea who she is, but at least she knows she’s a Carrie, a Ravenclaw, a Raphael, a Belle, a former emo kid, a Twitter addict, and a millennial just trying her best.

This memoir-ish book was a) entertaining b) morally questionable and c) utterly vulnerable when covering such topics as:

• eating disorders, bulimia, and binge-eating.
• the creation of @GuyInYourMFA. And the story behind the profile picture:

You are definitely, and almost assuredly illegally, using his picture (you had done a Google image search for “guy in hat” and gone with the best candidate). You apologize, profusely, and that afternoon you bring a slouchy hat you own to meet your friend Simon in the library, the same library where you took your Introduction to Fiction class, and you ask him to stand there, against the shelves, and you take a hundred pictures of him with your cell phone and replace the picture of the stranger by that afternoon.

• tinder dating while on her Eurotrip and meeting a genuinely nice guy.

You and Rory will stay in touch, and you’ll flirt and text and email your writing back and forth for months, a year, after you meet. Once, you will sing and play the guitar over Skype while he accompanies you on glockenspiel and secretly you’ll imagine a version of your story in which you and Rory end up together. You’ll imagine loving him, and you like how it fits. But you only talk in words on a screen anymore, and then, one day, both of you will meet someone else and fall in love for real and will have to tell the other person, a stranger across the ocean who you were never actually dating, that you’re actually with someone else now. Whatever flame you two had, whatever nonrelationship, will be quietly folded and put away in the linen closet.

• celebrity sightings and her internship at The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.
• titles like, " Are You an Introvert or Just a Lazy Asshole?" .

But my reading experience encountered some minor hindrances when it came to the series of men in this book...

Firstly, I couldn't help but hear the uncanny resemblance Dana Schwartz's writing voice bore to Esther's from the TV series Alone Together (probably because they're both New York millennial Jewish girls). In particular, those moments when Dana's hanging on to a guy who's giving her the clear 'He’s just not that into you' signals (which she herself notes more than once).


Source

I appreciated when Dana focused more on chronicling her personal life, instead of wasting time on the men in her life that ditched her or vice versa, like a broken record. (I have to admit, though, that I felt delicious victory at putting together the identity of a certain established writer she was keen on that ended up ghosting her...) It threw me off with the overtly sexual details that I truly don’t care enough to spend pages on pages. I mean, there's this lawyer dude that I skipped reading (because he came off as the biggest creep), but he was still written about for over twenty pages…

If nothing else, the aforementioned made for a comical line in her acknowledgments:

To all of the men I’ve slept with, thank you for giving me what I needed in that moment, for making me feel special or wanted or loved. And if you hurt me, thank you for helping me to learn while I was young. Hope you bought this book full price just to see if I wrote about you.

Oh, what last lines...

On another note: I couldn't shake off my annoyance when it came to the constant excuses for her bad calls by comparing herself to problematic fictional women. It just brings home the point that fiction shapes your viewpoint, in particular, when she tries to brush off flirting and sleeping with a married man by using these women from TV shows that cheated (Carrie Bradshaw, Rory Gilmore, Olivia Pope). Everything about this screams midlife-crisis-with-precocious-college-kid.


If I'd gotten a more individual take on Dana Schwartz as a person - not Dana Schwartz in a relationship - I would've grown to appreciate this memorable take on memoirs that more.

ARC kindly provided by the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

Expected publication: June 19th, 2018



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[Catherine Tinker · Rating 5 out of 5]

Choose Your Own Disaster is 250+ pages of sighing in relief that "oh, thank God, I'm not the only one who has that thought process."

I've been a fan of Schwartz and her Guy In Your MFA account since my junior year of college. I was in a fairly constant back-and-forth of wondering "are we the same person?" and grumbling to myself in jealousy about how she was only a year older than me and so accomplished online (like when I was eleven and thought I was destined to be a famous child actor if Dakota Fanning would just stop taking all the roles).

Choose Your Own Disaster made me ask that first question even more. When Schwartz recounted her childhood attempt at sending her rhyming book to a publisher, I cringed in embarrassment thinking about how when I was nine I tried to pitch a new cartoon to Nickelodeon via their webpage where you could ask who voiced Sandy Cheeks or why Penelope never seemed lucky enough to meet Amanda.

also: "You final thought is, I hope someone goes through all of my old essays and fiction and publishes a book that rockets to bestseller status on the wings of my tragic backstory."

Reader, I audibly gasped.

[esztereszterdora · Rating 2 out of 5]

Should you read this book? (a quiz)

1. Do you like cliché American chick-lit or female coming-of-age stories (aka finding the ONE)?

a.) hell, yes!!
b.) nah
c.) it depends

2. Do you write?

a.) of course!
b.) my laptop hides an urban fantasy trilogy that only 10 people know about and my biggest fear and greatest wish is them to be published one day
c.) yes, as a hobby and I'm publishing scientific articles as a job

3. Thoughts on Twitter?

a.) I'm a well-known Twitter comedian, love it!
b.) butthole of the Internet
c.) the memes are great, any other aspects I try to ignore

4. Are you misunderstood?

a.) I'm a quirky, fun girl who was misunderstood for a long time
b.) nah, I'm really this boring
c.) I have misunderstood and boring parts, just like anyone else

5. Thoughts on BDSM?

a.) interested
b.) fuck no, why is this shit everywhere??
c.) no, thank you

RESULTS

If you chose mostly As:
You're like Dana Schwartz. This book in for and about you. Enjoy!

If you chose mostly Bs:
You're like me. (sorry) You're a twenty-something but never related to I was young and made stupid, impulsive decisions stuff. You've been 45 since you were 10. You're kinda boring but absolutely fine with it and people like your advices. I really think you should read another book (Start The Expanse series, you'll love it!)

If you chose mostly Cs:
You're my grown-up but not asshole self. You didn't even pick this book up. You're definitely working or reading The Expanse. I like you and want to be like you more often. Have fun, babe!!

[Hannah Orenstein · Rating 5 out of 5]

I devoured this in one weekend. Dana's voice sucks you in, her stories are alternately laugh-out-loud funny and smartly introspective, and you won't be able to put this one down. I'd recommend this to anyone who loves GIRLS, BuzzFeed quizzes, or Dana's Twitter.

[Mel · Rating 4 out of 5]

The full title on the cover reads as Choose Your Own Disaster:
A. a memoir
B. a personality quiz
C. a mostly true and completely honest look at one young woman's attempt to find herself
D. all of the above

It was certainly all of that! I bought this initially solely based on the "choose your own adventure" format style it had inside and I was pleasantly surprised to find a humorous romp through Schwartz' recent past in college and just beyond graduation. The combination of the insanity of some of the stories and the entirety being written in second person make it seem like it she has exaggerated quite a bit, but I think that aside from the "happily ever after" bits, it's all what happened to her. Some of it is totally bizarre (her BRIEF job snipping mouse tails in a lab) and some just made me shake my head, cringing (getting drunk in Edinburgh and inviting a pickpocket back to her hostel just after she'd made the decision to have that be her home for the foreseeable future but is instead promptly kicked out for having guests who robbed the other bunks), and others made me tear up (her history of bulimia; a Tinder date going horribly wrong), though mostly I was laughing (her limited interaction putting with Stephen Colbert in his office was *chef's kiss*). It jumps around, obviously, but can be read according to the end-of-chapter instructions or straight through. Reminded me quite a bit of Alida Nugent and Jessica Valenti! If you want to get a kick out of someone else's twenty-something antics- read this.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is damn close to being in my 20-or-30-something-female-required-reading category. Though some topics are uncomfortable (BDSM, eating disorders, infidelity), I cringed because I could identify with the desperation at hand. Real, important stories.

[Kristian House · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is absolutely brilliant. Not only is the format unique, from combining a quiz to also a deeply personal and funny memoir, but Dana's unique voice is everything. Her voice manages to be both unique and wildly relatable. It is a fun read from cover to cover.

[Lisa (Remarkablylisa) · Rating 3 out of 5]

FULL REVIEW TO COME

[Lindsey · Rating 3 out of 5]

An astronomical trigger warning for eating disorders and emetophobia.

Schwartz’s writing is captivating and full of punch. The “personality quiz” format is an interesting concept, but I’d rather read Dana’s stories without the interruption.

You should pick up this memoir if you’re nostalgic for the TV show Girls, spent a lot of time on Twitter in the 2010s, or are in your early 20s living in a big city for the first time.

[Gretchen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked this, though I certainly feel like I'm probably the target market (I love a good personality quiz AND choose your own adventures). I really enjoyed the format, although for ease of reading I would highly suggest a print book (I'd be super curious how an audio book version of this would work though). Fair warning, there are a lot of pretty tough topics (eating disorders, sexual assault, various horrible decisions one can and could make in their 20s). I did one read-through staying true to my choose your own adventure skip-aheads, and then I went back and read all the passages I missed. The way it's structured, you'll get most of it on the first read-through anyway, honestly. (As an aside, I would love to be the editor that makes sure all the paths for CYOAs make sense - why didn't I think of *that* job in high school???)

[ouliana · Rating 2 out of 5]

why would you write a memoir:
a. my life story deserves to be known by strangers
b. i'm just arrogant and delusional

[Andrea Dunlop · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best memoirs I've read in years. I laughed all the way though and cried at the end. Such a smart book.

[Nikki · Rating 4 out of 5]

I originally wasn't going to read this because I'm extremely jealous of Dana's cool life and thought it would just make me feel bad, but I like her twitter so much that I decided to pick it up and I'm so glad I did. This is such a spot on and relatable account of being in your early twenties - getting stuck in self-destructive spirals, sleeping with people you know you shouldn't, occasional amazing moments of happiness where you can't believe something's worked out. I struggled with the eating disorder stuff (not because I have an eating disorder, I'm just squeamish), and I'm too Type-A to jump around in a book doing the "Mostly As go to this page, mostly Bs go to the page" thing so I just read it straight through and that worked just as well.

[courtney · Rating 5 out of 5]

I feel like this book was tailor-made for me (probably because it's a choose your own adventure disaster book). I've gone through the eating disorders, the depression and loneliness, the anxiety, the insecurities, the mistakes with not good guys, and the overpowering guilt after. Dana did a great job of bringing alllll those feelings back (unfortunately?).

Choose Your Own Disaster is really clever. It gets real without being too much of a downer. And, if you find yourself drawing some similarities between your experiences/feels, you'll know you're not alone. At least I did.

P.S. Follow her on Twitter- she's great!

[Jessica · Rating 2 out of 5]

2 stars feels low but I can't quite bring myself to go 3 stars (so 2.5?). I love funny women memiors, so I was really looking forward to this, but I just didn't find it that humorous/funny. Also I didn't know much about Dana Schwartz going into the book (true of many of the funny lady memiors I've read and enjoyed) so I didn't realize how young she was. It read very young to me (so perhaps I'm just a 36-year-old curmudgeon).

[Storygraph: melodyelizabeth · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don’t recommend reading the ebook version, missed whole chucks of the book the first time around.

[Uma · Rating 5 out of 5]

fuck this made me cry

[Mrs Mommy Booknerd http://mrsmommybooknerd.blogspot.com · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is fantastic because it is not only fun, but flawed and real. Life is sometimes a series of disasters, but that is part of the learning process. If we cannot learn through our mistakes we are doomed to repeat them, right?!?! Schwartz has created a book that is original and makes the reader feel like all the disasters in their past are more normal than not. Sometimes is takes a few times to get it right and the twists and turns in the road of life and the ones that lead us to where we are supposed to be! A brilliantly creative and fantastic book that readers are going to absolutely love!

[Mainon · Rating 3 out of 5]

Torn between 3 and 4 stars. It was well-written and funny and uncomfortable and charming and vulnerable, so the protagonist (me, since the book is written in the second person, in true Choose Your Own Adventure fashion) was immensely sympathetic to me. And yet, when I got to the (an) end, I didn't feel that the whole story was substantial enough. There were vignettes of incredible detail (a visit to the family business--funeral home--of your sexually dominant lawyer boyfriend), but they were frequently followed by "fast forward fifty years, and here's what happened" summaries that were less inhabitable. Still, I really enjoyed reading this, even if it fits neatly in the genre of self-absorbed young New Yorker fiction.

[Marissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dana Schwartz's book is mandatory summer reading for those who follow her on Twitter, and even those who don't. Raw and engaging, it pulls you into her world that's darker than I ever imagined it'd be. Of course, it still is wonderfully clever with all of its cringes and laughs. I just didn't expect tears. You alternate between wanting to be her and wanting to give her a big hug with lots of encouragement to get her through the rest of her twenties (and also to stop sleeping with married men). A little Hannah Horvath, and a LOT Rebecca Bunch, it does not disappoint.

*I'm still flipping through my kindle edition trying to make sure I didn't miss anything. In retrospect, I think I'd prefer a hard copy.

[Meagan Houle · Rating 3 out of 5]

The quiz construction was hard to get used to, and the jumps in time were disorienting. Still, it's an enjoyable read with an amazing, consistent commitment to vulnerability -- not merely the kind that looks good when carefully parcelled out, but the messy kind that makes you cringe, makes you want to believe you are better than this person who has spilled their guts for your inspection. There's courage and beauty in that, and I doubt there are many millennial women who can't find something to relate to here.

[Jordana Siegel · Rating 5 out of 5]

i think for most people this book would hover around 4 stars. with that being said, i am rating it so high bc this book is a memoir of a women who mainly writes about her experiences at Brown university and right out of undergrad (til she’s 24/25?) and it is so incredibly specific (alef beats is talked about and the rock to name a few) + she’s a jewish girl from not nyc… all combined to make it so relatable. i felt somewhat seen but i also understood who dana was in this memoir and what she was trying to figure out. the second person format throughout all of it got annoying…

[Heidi Holford · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book to meet a reading challenge prompt. Rather, i didn't read the entire book--I chose a series of "disasters" until I reached the end. I did back up a couple of times to read other paths, but I just wasn't engaged enough to make sure I covered the whole thing. I just didn't resonate with the book at all, though there was one disaster that I found well-written, heart-wrenching, and humane, and that alone was worth 1 star. I think the 2nd-person narration was a barrier for me.

[Sadie Dorf · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoyed every page of this book and it completely sold me on Dana Schwartz.

1. The writing was hilarious and you can tell this woman is a WRITER. While the reading was easy, it was humorous and I chuckled every 5th page (because of how relatable her experiences are with men, love, food, friends).

2. Very honest - nothing was held back in this and you can tell. From deep moments that explore her relationship with food to explicit anecdotes about sex, she gives you a full-on "this is me and this is my life" reading experience.

[Cortney Grant · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m still not clear if I did finish this book since it feels like I only read 70 pages, but it took me on the journey I wanted to go on which I appreciate. Dana called me out multiple times. I feel so similar to her and who she is, but I’m also curious on the other pages that I missed what happened. So many passages that get to the truth of women and what we go through. So many stories that hurt my heart and resonate so deeply. I would love to read it again and see what other journeys it takes me on.

[MJ Lee · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed the "Choose your own adventure"/"Personality Quiz" style of the book. The second person point of view was well done and made the memoir feel a lot more personal - which really worked for me because I related so strongly to many of the sections. I felt like I was truly living through Schwartz's life instead of her simply TELLING me about what happened in her life.
My only criticism is that sometimes, it was a little confusing to tell the difference between what actually happened and what wasn't.

[Emily O'Brien Miranda · Rating 4 out of 5]

We can all relate to her “mistakes” on some level. It was fun to read in the style of “Choose Your Own Adventure” books from my childhood! Quick and easy.

[Elizabeth Connolly · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really fast read - like absurdly fast.

Not my style of book so I probably won’t be going back for more. All the versions of yourself the story proposes are all kind of crappy people. No thanks.

[Jake Steinberg · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dana Schwartz is a star and everyone should read this book!! It can totally be that new book you tell people to read when they ask for recommendations on Facebook.