I Love a Cop: What Police Families Need to Know

by Ellen Kirschman

Police families are brave, resilient, and proud--and they face remarkable challenges, sometimes on a daily basis. Now thoroughly updated for today's turbulent times, this is the resource that cops and their loved ones have relied on for decades. Trusted expert Ellen Kirschman gives you practical ways to manage the stress of the job and create a healthy, supportive home environment. The third edition features the latest information, new stories from police families, two new chapters, and fully updated resources. Dr. Kirschman acknowledges the tough realities of life on the force and offers frank, realistic suggestions for handling everyday relationship dilemmas as well as serious issues like trauma, domestic violence, and alcohol abuse. Whether you read this book cover to cover or reach for it when problems arise, you will find no-nonsense guidance to help your family thrive.

Mental health professionals, see also Counseling Cops: What Clinicians Need to Know, by Ellen Kirschman, Mark Kamena, and Joel Fay.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Police, Self Help, Personal Development, Education, Marriage

355 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1997

About the author

I've been a police and public safety psychologist for thirty-plus years, before I had any gray hair. My work with first responders has taken me to four countries and twenty-two states.

I Love a Cop: What Police Families Need to Know was my first book and, to date, it has sold more than 100,000 copies. I Love a Fire Fighter: What the Family Needs to Know came next, followed by Counseling Cops: What Clinicians Need to Know with two psychology colleagues, both of whom are retired cops.

I also write a mystery series. My protagonist, Dr. Dot Meyerhoff, is a fifty-something year old psychologist who should be counseling cops, not solving crimes. Too dedicated for her own good, she won't give up until justice is served, even when it jeopardizes her own life.

There are five books in the series: Burying Ben, The Right Wrong Thing The Fifth Reflection The Answer to His Prayers and Call Me Carmela. Dive in anywhere, it's. not necessary to read them in order.

I live in the San Francisco Bay Area with my husband, whose entire life I have plagarized for Dot's love interest, Frank. I maintain a website at www.ellenkirschman.com,. Sign up for my occasional newsletter and get a free copy of my mini-memoir as a dance hall girl in Times Square.

Reviews

[Kate · Rating 1 out of 5]

I thought this book was depressing since it focuses on all the bad sides of being in a relationship with a cop. This would be a good read if you are having issues, but if your relationship is fine then I would skip it.

[Stephanie Morrow · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was recommended reading for me, I WANTED to like this book, but it was absolutely horrible. If my husband had read it he would probably give up trying to get a job in the police force. It talks about nothing except the negatives with the job - and while I appreciate the blunt reality that the author chooses to show us - not every single point about this job has to be quite so negative and dramatic. I gave it two starts because every so often I would find a tiny nugget of useful information, but for the most part I would take this entire book with a grain of salt. Yes, sometimes people get divorced. Yes, it's a high stress job that involves a ton of different things that COULD potentially happen and go wrong. This book makes it sound like they WILL go wrong. That you WILL get divorced, your cop WILL have PTSD, your family WILL suffer, and nothing except professional help will cure any of it or save anyone.

Again, appreciate the sentiment, but it just goes away too far over the top in the opposite direction. I want to be prepared, not goaded into fearing everything before it has even started.

[Hannah Majeske-Mikyska · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was recommended to my husband for me by one of his coworkers (the coworkers wife had read it and said it helped her) .. I call BS. This book would be interesting if you don’t already know what police go through on a day to day but it really has a negative undertone basically stating that everyone eventually comes to hate their job and be terrible life partners. Whether that’s the truth or not — it could be written better.. very dry and definitely not a page turner. I wanted to like this book - I’ve always been skeptical of law enforcement which made me nervous when my husband became a PO but this book just did not end up being anything I thought it had potential of being. Safe to say - I agree with other reviews. If your marriage is healthy and thriving, you can skip this book. Even if it’s not - I’d actually still skip this book because you’ll just get more depressed reading it. You’re better off looking to other resources.

[Phillip · Rating 3 out of 5]

My son is graduating from the police academy tomorrow at Ada, Oklahoma. I picked up this book a few months ago when saw it on a list of Goodreads recommendations.

The book is written by a psychologist who works with police. The purpose of the book is to give the family of police officers an understanding about the nature of the work of law enforcement. The job is demanding and the book describes what the loved ones of an officer should expect throughout his or her career so that emotional support can be provided.

The first section of the book sticks with what is described above. It is most useful for someone like myself who wants to understand the career my son has chosen so that I can be as supportive as possible.

Other sections of the book describe the cycles of an officer's career, alcoholism and violence. The book provides resources for addressing these issues.

[Tiffy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was very helpful when my hubby started his new job. Some of the chapters and tips didn't apply to us/me but overall this book was a nice insight into the lives cops and their families face. I found it helpful

[Nate Cook · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is for you if you or your spouse is a Police Officer and one or more of the following:

A domestic abuser
A white supremacist
Homophobic
Sexist
An alcoholic
Extremely insecure

To be fair, early on in the book there were some good ideas and points made that I think could be helpful to anyone working in law enforcement.

This book gave me the feeling that all my coworkers might be closet horrible humans, but I know that isn’t the case. My biggest issue with the book is that if you are someone dealing with one of the issues listed above, it felt way too forgiving and the solutions or advice were generic and weak in my opinion.

For example, (the following items in quotations are my paraphrasing how I perceived the author’s points, not actual quotes)

“If your husband is being violent toward you, you don’t deserve this and your safety is a priority. If you are being violent toward your partner, you should seek counseling.”

How insightful.

“If alcohol is controlling your life and ruining your marriage and costing you your career, you should consider going to AA meetings.”

But the worst of it is the forgiving nature of some of these issues. “If you’re a domestic abuser it might be because of blah blah blah you deal with at work.” Bullshit. How about if you’re a domestic abuser, you should have never been in police work in the first place and should lose your job and be arrested. If you’re feeling insecure and you have the need to have control over your partner and have a lack of self control or anger problems, then yes you should be seeking help and counseling. And if these issues stem from work related events then you should have been in counseling long before it turned into domestic abuse.

I hated that the author put on kid gloves for all these issues. When talking about people of color in LE, she had to add in that change and affirmative action can be distressing toward white officers and their feelings should not be discounted and their anxiety is legitimate. Boooooooo. Her case study profiles almost all seemed like horrible people that shouldn’t be cops and would be horrible spouses. Yuck.

I’ll sum up the spirit of this book for anyone looking to read it, only covering the positive content that I got from it.

PTSD is real and can happen to you. Your mental health and family is more important than your career. You should probably see a therapist no matter what because it’s healthy. You should find and practice positive coping skills off duty including ways to decompress on your days off. You should watch your drinking habits closely.

There you go.

[Heather Ames · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was lucky enough to met the author of "I Love a Cop" during Left Coast Crime's Portland conference. She was incredibly helpful in answering questions I had regarding how the detective in my "Indelible" series, with a history of child abuse and a complex relationship with his charismatic but corrupt younger half-brother by denial, would react when that delicate and precarious balance was shifted by the events in the first novel in the series. How would he deal with the prospect of opening old wounds as well as facing up to the additional challenges of recovering from a career-threatening injury and a budding relationship with his now deceased brother's girlfriend, a socialite he believes to be way out of his league? His only outlet up until that point had been his volatile temper.

Ellen Kirschman not only recommended I read her book, which proved to be one of the most helpful and enlightening research materials for me, but also introduced me to friends of hers, one a retired law enforcement officer, the other the officer's wife. I'm so grateful for the time I spent with all of them, and with Ellen's book, which provides examples of issues officers and their families face, how therapy assists and guides them through their reactions to difference scenarios, and the outcomes, both good, bad and mixed. There is also an excellent and extremely comprehensive reference section at the back of the book. I was both pleased and relieved to find I was on the right track both with my plot-lines and character reactions. I now had the opportunity to add authenticity to scenes with the independent psychologist my character is ordered to consult and how the character progresses with healing and coming to terms with the demons from his past.

[Arielle Earl · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was quite insightful to my experiences as a child with a father in law enforcement. As an adult I was able to empathize more deeply to his reality and comprehend more easily his actions. It was eye opening and informative to the best a book can. Dating an officer now (lol to my younger self saying I never ever would), it’s allowed me to hold space for my partner on really shitty days and show up how they need… even if it means time alone. This book can’t and won’t substitute conversations needed between loved ones and what they need. However, it does shed light to what struggles they may experience around their work.

I do feel there was a larger focus on the negative aspects to working in law enforcement and the impact on personal life. It felt quite pessimistic and slightly jades. Although my personal experience growing up did reflect these elements, I believe a more inclusive standpoint on both the positives and negatives would better serve the LE community. Like any job, there are pros and cons.

This book highlighted the less spoken about aspects to law enforcement. The community has a whole tends to sweep things under the rug, “good ol’ boys club” as my mom would say. It was refreshing to see a blunt approach to it.

[Erica · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was not stressed about my fiancé becoming a police officer before reading this book. This book is such a debbie downer. I read it because he asked me to since it was suggested by their police academy, but wow. It offered way more problems than it did solutions. I did appreciate the tips and there were some good ideas included for sure but I am glad that I grew up around law enforcement and worked in that field because I realize that this book is a little off but I do feel sorry for those who don’t have my experience and are trying to learn from this book.

[Christy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nothing new here

As a friend to a cop who I believe has some PTSD, I was hoping to find some resources that I may use to offer some support. This was all based on married couples and advise for them. While there was some insight into that, since my friend and his wife have a very unstable relationship, it wasn’t much help for me.

[Jonnita Amonette · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent resource

As a LEO wife, it helps to know the stresses that go unspoken about the job and that brings us closer.

[BDowney · Rating 5 out of 5]

Informative..straight forward..speaks to the difficulties officers and their families face while shedding light on some of the demons and darkness.

[Allie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some good information for police wives, but the research is outdated.

[Bob · Rating 5 out of 5]

very clearly written and so accessible! remarkably free of psychological jargon!

[Kristina · Rating 3 out of 5]

No, I do not in fact love a cop. I don't even know any cops outside of the criminal justice classes I have taken. I read this book in my desire to understand more about the police mentality, psychology, and the relationships they have with their families.

To me this book felt more life a self-help relationship book with a little bit of focus on how some cop families have dealt with some of the same situations other families have dealt with; crazy schedules, alcoholism, abuse, and stress. There was some good information sprinkled in about dealing with the bureaucracy of many police forces, on the job shootings, and the stress of having to put on a unemotional face all the time for the job, but for the most part, I think this book would benefit a lot of people who find help in self-help books, not just cops and their families.

I only gave it three stars instead of more, despite thinking just about anyone would benefit from reading it who might have high-stress jobs or problems at home, because of that same reason; I just didn't really feel like it pertained to just cops. Many of the chapters rarely even mentioned cops unless it was to discuss how one cop had handled a situation that anyone could find themselves in. With that aside, it was a good relationship/psychology book.

[Skylar Burris · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is intended to help law enforcement officers and their spouses to understand the special challenges to family life and marriage that come with the job. It seemed quite accurate in its analysis of what challenges life as a cop (or the spouse of a cop) can entail and of why these challenges arise. Unfortunately, it did not contain quite as much useful information on how, specifically, to confront those challenges successfully, and there were some issues that I felt did not get enough attention and deserved their own chapter.

[Sabina Colleran · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was exactly what I needed. I waited to read it when I was mentally and emotionally ready and I'm so glad because I got a lot out of it. I highlighted, wrote in the margins, and dog eared pages. I feel much more prepared to make my life with Kieran extraordinary and use his career as a way to make us closer, not strained. This book is written for the partner of a cop, though cops would do well to read it too. Kieran will be reading my marked up copy! The whole read was very real, very empowering, and held my attention with stories and facts. This book is exactly what I needed

[Tiffany Seelye · Rating 4 out of 5]

A long book with information overload sometimes but an absolute must read for anyone with a personal relationship with a police officer. Gets into the nitty gritty of the things we may not understand about police work and how that affect officers. A useful reference tool for what to expect from different situations that officers may come into contact with and how it may affect them and how to deal with it. Real life stories help explain the more technical parts and leave you with that "I'm not the only who who's going through this" feeling.

[Bonnie Krueger · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was provided to my son as a new police officer for resource purposes. Overall, this is a book that seems more appropriate for married officers or officers who have longevity in their career.

This book will likely be a great resource as my son has experienced more traumatic events in his career. It is wonderful to know that more attention is being given to the social emotional aspects of policing. This is such a difficult time to be a police officer, or married to a police officer, or even be a parent of a police officer.

[Niki · Rating 2 out of 5]

While this book offers some valuable information about the challenges faced by law enforcement families, much of it felt dated and overly clinical. The content often reads more like an academic text than a practical guide for everyday family life. Although the author clearly has experience and insight, the delivery lacked warmth and relatability.

Readers looking for a more modern or personal approach to understanding the dynamics of police families may find this book less helpful than expected.

[Emily · Rating 3 out of 5]

Generally this book is good for everyone in a police family to read, but it is better if you have experienced or are experiencing problems that the book addresses (i.e. alcohol related issues, being a female cop, etc.). As someone new to the policing world, the first few chapters were very helpful (in particular, what to expect and identifying the myths of policing); the 2nd half of the book was pretty specific and would probably be a useful go-to reference down the road.

[Geri · Rating 5 out of 5]

This should be required reading for every criminal justice worker & their families & friends. No one, except cops, will know what it's truly like to lay your life on the line every single day...and love doing it. I've given or recommended this book to the spouses of cops in my family. While I don't live with a cop, I love 'em! And whether you love them, hate them or fear them, after reading this book, I guarantee you will never see cops in the same way again.

[Aria · Rating 4 out of 5]

I felt ill equipped to deal with the coming changes as I moved in with two LEO roommates. I skipped around and made countless of notes. While it didn't make the fears go away I certainly feel like I can now embrace the job and it's challenges. It has helped me come up with my own "guide" so I'm better equipped to deal with the up and down moods my cops have and will experience throughout their career. ~therapy talk.

[Tara Carter · Rating 3 out of 5]

A must read for police officers and their families. The author explains the stresses that all officer's face on a daily basis that most people would not think about. Certain sections to not pertain to everyone but are there to help those in need during certain times of their career. Keep this one on the shelf for when you need a little guidance or need to work out issues with an officer you care about.

[Jason · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was deeply disappointed in this book. What I read felt like the Hollywood perception of police officers and how terrible everything about thier lives and jobs are. The only good thing I got was a comment about how police officers like "burst information". Short and to the point, get the info out like as if you were talking on the radio. Otherwise I thought this book sucked.

[Sousygirl · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm learning about what it might be like when Jason gets into full swing with his department. A lot of the scenarios are worst case examples. I'm trying to take them all with a grain of salt and not be freaked out that Jason will exhibit all of these negative feelings/actions. Good information to have though.

[Lou Florio · Rating 4 out of 5]

This should be very helpful to law enforcement officers, their family and friends in understanding and responding to the many stresses found in their vocation. It could be read at one time or piecemeal by chapter as the need or interest on a topic arises. For clinicians, chaplains and pastors, I recommend Kirschman's other work, Counseling Cops: What clinicians need to know.

[Michelle S · Rating 4 out of 5]

A must read for anyone who has a loved one in law enforcement and perhaps the military. It provides valuable insight as to the obstacles that cops deal with. "Armed" with this information I found myself better equipped to handle these issues when my husband came home each night

[Alena · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a very insightful and helpful book for understanding the psychology of police work and how it relates to family. Also there was information shared that was good and practical advice that one can apply to any relationship.

[Nicole · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a great reference book. I'm glad I read it since my boyfriend is currently in the police academy. The book is very blunt and to the point on some pressing issues that face many police families today.