Walking Through Twilight: A Wife's Illness―A Philosopher's Lament

by Douglas Groothuis, Nicholas Wolterstorff (Foreword)

How do you continue to find God as dementia pulls your loved one into the darkness? Nothing is simple for a person suffering from dementia, and for those they love. When ordinary tasks of communication, such as using a phone, become complex, then difficult, and then impossible, isolation becomes inevitable. Helping becomes excruciating. In these pages philosopher Douglas Groothuis offers a window into his experience of caring for his wife as a rare form of dementia ravages her once-brilliant mind and eliminates her once-stellar verbal acuity. Mixing personal narrative with spiritual insight, he captures moments of lament as well as philosophical and theological reflection. Brief interludes provide poignant pictures of life inside the Groothuis household, and we meet a parade of caregivers, including a very skilled companion dog. Losses for both Doug and Becky come daily, and his questions for God multiply as he navigates the descending darkness. Here is a frank exploration of how one continues to find God in the twilight.

Genres: Philosophy, Christian, Theology, Christianity, Nonfiction, Memoir, Grief

176 pages, Paperback

Published November 21, 2017

About the author

Douglas Groothuis (PhD, University of Oregon) is professor of philosophy at Denver Seminary in Denver, Colorado, where he heads the Apologetics and Ethics masters degree program. His articles have been published in professional journals such as Religious Studies, Philosophia Christi, Themelios, Christian Scholar's Review, Inquiry, and Journal of the Evangelical Theological Society. He has written numerous books, including Christian Apologetics and, most recently Philosophy in Seven Sentences.

Reviews

[Chris Woznicki · Rating 4 out of 5]

Openness, authenticity, and even lament are increasingly been seen as important among evangelical circles. With an increase in the valuing of these virtues and practices we have also seen an increase in the number of books addressing such topics. For example:

• Todd Billings’: Rejoicing in Lament – Wrestling with Incurable Cancer and Life in Christ
• Steve Hayner’s: Joy in the Journey – Finding Abundance in the Shadow of Death

More recently we have Douglas Groothius’, “Walking Through Death: A Wife’s Illness – A Philosopher’s Lament.” In this book, Groothius, Professor of Philosophy at Denver Seminary, walks us through what it has been like for him and his wife dealing with her rare form of dementia: Primary Progressive Aphasia (PPA). He walks us through the pain of learning of her condition, watching some of her strengths become weaknesses, and most significantly, loosing vital aspects of his relationship with his wife.

The highlights of this book come in Groothius moments of raw transparency. He expresses anger and even rage. He, understatedly says, “I did not think dearly of God.” And, rather strongly says, “I hated God and told him so repeatedly.” (41) He says he never flirted with atheism, but was bordering on “misotheism” – the hatred of God. Yet at the same time he knew that God was his only hope. Those struggling with hating God in terrible situations might find solace in hearing Groothius verbalize thoughts they think they probably shouldn’t have.

In the midst of these emotionally packed moments we are also given glimpses of Groothius’ philosophical mind at work. His reflections on atheism and misotheism are interesting. His discussion about the nature of lying in chapter 13 presents some interesting philosophical reflections. Chapter 15 which addresses humanity’s relationship to animals, specifically dogs, raises some interesting questions about humanity’s nature.

The appendix, though not strictly a part of the “lament” is worth the price of the book. In it he provides three ways to engage with people who are lamenting. I won’t spoil it here, but, I recommend you take a look at this section and really reflect upon how you deal with people who are hurting.

If you are looking for a model of how to deal with pain, anger, agony, and confusion in the face of suffering, this book might be a good place to turn to.

[Ched Spellman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sobering and hopeful.

[Clinton Wilcox · Rating 5 out of 5]

Douglas Groothuis has written an excellent book on how to lament as a Christian. He painfully and painstakingly recounts several events that occurred as his wife went through a rare form of dementia, and how he and his wife attempted to cope with the devastating illness. On top of the autobiographical accounts of these events, Groothuis also includes a few chapters for philosophical reflections on lament, even on how their dog was present and helped the coping process. While he is a philosopher, Groothuis also uses passages of Scripture to help emphasize his points. And at the end of the book, he gives some advice on how best to suffer with other people, how we should act as well as what we should say around them.

[Meredith · Rating 5 out of 5]

A well-written book addressing the author's walk as his wife struggles with Primary Progressive Aphasia., a little know form of dementia that robs a person of the ability to communicate. This book was healing for me. Here was someone who understood the deep loss felt by family members as they watch their loved one struggle and slowly become someone you no longer know. He addresses theological questions that we all naturally ask. A good book on a topic rarely written about.

[Andrew · Rating 5 out of 5]

The irony of this book is not lost on its author. Douglas Groothuis is a philosopher who has often taught and written on suffering. Here he offers a lament about the suffering he and his wife have been going through over many years as she slowly, so agonizingly slowly, deteriorates from a rare form of dementia.

Groothuis has given us all a great gift. He shows us how to mourn when the world is not as it should be. In his painfully honest memoire he rages against the impersonal medical system he faces yet does so with compassion for both the patients and the caretakers in the system. He grieves for the once brilliant, witty woman who is on a one-way journey to a land without the words she loved so much. He faces his temptation to hate God full on.

The book also addresses topics not normally found in books on grief. He meditates on the ethics of "lying" to his wife when he must "simplify" the truth so that it is at a level she can deal with. He has a chapter on how much he should or shouldn't, does and doesn't share about his personal situation in the classroom. Likewise he considers what is appropriate in our online-saturated world.

Toward the end Groothuis includes an important chapter on escaping into meaning. Like all who have caregiving thrust on them, he needs ways to rest, recoup, reenergize for the load he must carry. He escapes into what he loves most, making meaning via his work as a philosopher, even as he contemplates is inability to halt the changes around him. Painting and music have been other avenues into meaning that he's employed.

He says, "I live in the tension between 'the Escape of the Prisoner' and 'the Flight of the Deserter.' I can flip back and forth like a twitchy toggle switch. . . . In my better moments I try to smelt meaning from suffering." (140-41).

I have known the author and his wife for years, personally and professionally. I have read many of their books which have done so much good for thousands over the years. To me, this is clearly the best writing he has ever done.

While he masterfully expresses a sense of loss, he summarizes his own aspirations for the book well. "Throughout this doleful and, I hope, hopeful book, I have lamented much over all the losses that have assailed Becky and me. Nevertheless, my reflections have an aim: to live well with suffering in light of reality in God's world" (53). This, I think, is what he actually achieves.

[Bec · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is special book. It is also an intense book. Groothuis masterfully walks the line of taking us into his grief, frustration and lament, but in a way that leaves one with hope. Lament is a much avoided topic, generally speaking, even in Christian circles where one would expect to see it done well. Unfortunately it is not, but Walking Through Twilight not only breaks the taboo, it also paves the way for Christians to have the space to grieve and lament, and to grieve and lament well and biblically.

To readers for whom lament is a foreign concept and to this point an unnecessary consideration, Groothuis gently instructs how to walk with those who are in such a season, offering advice with which I wholeheartedly concur.

I am all the richer for having read this and have no hesitation in recommending it to everyone I speak to about it. In fact, I strongly encourage you to do so.

[Lori Neff · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author is honest in his sadness and anger as he sorts out the meaning of suffering, loss, and grief. He holds fast to his faith while also honestly expressing his anger to God.
There are some lovely stories and moments in this book...
Recommended for those who have friends/family navigating similar circumstances. This book might be too painful for someone in the midst of suffering themselves.

[Lisabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Painful to read in the middle of one’s own journey through the valley of Psalm 23, but only because the author’s honesty resonates with personal experience. I appreciated the connections to Scripture throughout his reflections. Readers should pay special attention to the Appendix - a brief but powerful guide to supporting others who are walking through twilight of a loved one’s debilitating illness.

[Brian · Rating 4 out of 5]

Raw reflections from a Christian philosopher walking through his beloved wife’s descent into dementia. Helpful for those, like me, facing similar griefs.

[Jason Mccool · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Walking Through Twilight" was a book I was both eager to read and one I dreaded reading more than any book I can recall. I knew the subject matter would hit uncomfortably close to home. I was already familiar with Douglas Groothuis from his "Christian Apologetics" course though Credo House, and his excellent and hefty tome of the same name. With that background, I strongly suspected that, in spite of the intensely personal and heart-rending emotional roller coaster of watching a loved one go through the twilight and ever-growing darkness of dementia, he could offer a good blend of emotional and intellectual salve for anguished souls. That he does, showing a pastor's heart for those hurting, then philosophizing on some of the absurdities of life with a disease like dementia, then taking up his mantle of apologist to address the problem of suffering under an all-good and all-powerful God. William Lane Craig once wrote about the intellectual problem of evil versus the emotional problem of evil, saying "the intellectual problem is in the province of the philosopher; the emotional problem is in the province of the counselor.... [T]he solution to the intellectual problem is apt to appear dry, uncaring, and uncomforting to someone who is going through suffering, whereas the solution to the emotional problem is apt to appear deficient as an explanation of evil to someone contemplating it abstractly." This is where Groothuis excels in this book, for he is a philosopher with the understanding of suffering in the abstract, and a loving husband having his heart slowly ripped out, experiencing suffering intimately. He is masterful with his word choice throughout the book, finding succinct ways to make powerful statements, but his statements don't come across as mere platitudes, for they are born out of personal experience and somber reflection on it. He addresses the intellectual and emotional struggle of suffering in a remarkably balanced way. And while I would never want anyone to have to go through the pain of seeing a loved one go through dementia and trying to care for them, I am so thankful that someone like Doug Groothuis was able walk though this and apply his keen mind and literary skill to put into words things the rest of us can never adequately express, and usually try to avoid thinking about. Indeed, he addresses a topic Americans generally don't like to think about: lament. But his is not a lament without hope, even as he watches his wife slip away in the clutches of a disease without cure. His is a Christian lament, recorded in the shade of the hope of the Resurrection. His is a needed reminder for us Christians who too often grieve as the world grieves - without hope. He reminds us to "smelt meaning out of suffering, that "joy has its lessons, but mourning has lessons that only mourning can teach," and that "dawn follows darkness, but this comes at the price of agonized waiting." Out of all the hundreds upon hundreds of books I've read, I am sure there have been a few that have brought a tear to my eye at some particularly powerful scene, although I can't really think of any in particular. But I can say without hesitation that no other book in my life has brought as many tears as this one, from cover to cover. This is not maudlin tearjerker material, but rather cleansing lament, that leaves you stronger for having journeyed through it. Thank you, Doctor Groothuis, for sharing your journey with us. It is heartbreaking, and yet still encouraging for those of us with loved ones entering the twilight as well.

[Michael Philliber · Rating 5 out of 5]

Alzheimer's and dementia show up in our congregations, academic institutions, corporations and families. According to a recent Science Daily report and others (dated 7 December 2017), it is going to increase from 6 million people in 2017 to some 15 million in 2060. This report, coupled with experiences in my church and in my family, causes me to be on the look out for helpful material that can support caregivers. Therefore I was delighted to pick up and read a new work penned by Douglas Groothuis, professor of philosophy at Denver Seminary and accomplished author. "Walking Through Twilight: A Wife's Illness--A Philosopher's Lament" is a 176 page paperback written from the personal and reflective perspective of the caregiver.

"Walking Through Twilight" mildly chronicles the eerie, "odd and mystifying unraveling of" (26) the author's wife who has primary progressive aphasia (PPA). In some places it is raw with emotion. In others it is thoughtful and biblically expressive. There autobiographical sections and deliberative installments that run through numerous pages. The frustration, fury, and fatigue come out instructively, giving the reader insights and insider information. Groothuis is handing us clues on how to serve those in this situation because, as he observes, "we are all chaplains in the hospice of life" (60).

When I began to read "Walking Through Twilight" I was certain I'd be brought to tears. Rather I was brought to ponder how I have not always been as helpful as I could have been to those in this situation and their caregivers, and how to do it better. By working through these pages, I have been aided in supporting others "to live well with suffering in light of reality in God's world" and to oppose the twin heresies of optimism and pessimism with hope (53).

Overall, "Walking Through Twilight" is a valuable volume for ministers, elders, Christians, spouses and caregivers. It will enlighten some, encourage others, and challenge most. If Alzheimer's or dementia have shown their unnerving hand in your church or family, this tiny book is a must. And since it's increasing prevalence is forecast, it would be a worthwhile read even is neither have shown up yet. I highly recommend the book.

Thanks to InterVarsity Press for providing, upon my request, the free copy of the book used for this review. The assessments are mine given without restrictions or requirements (as per Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255).

[Rusty · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a reviewer of books it is a privilege to write reviews. This one is special. As I read this book I realized I was peeking into private personal space. (mine as well as the author’s) As Dr. Groothuis thinks deeply about his experience and recounts them to us vulnerable and honest. Sort of like reading someone else's mail. An older brother helping us clean up the mess we made.

I am barely acquainted with the author, just a face in the crowd. But for you dear reader I offer as my review this open letter so that you may get a glimmer of the same experience I had reading this work of faith.

Dear Dr. G,

I just finished your book, “Walking Through Twilight: A Wife's Illness--A Philosopher's Lament”. I have to tell you, while reading your book, I felt like I was walking in your shadow. Although a shadow it was reflective. Dark yet strangely shimmering. Like when I put my John Coletrane vinyl on my turntable and it reflects the light coming in the window and makes it dance on the ceiling as I listen to “A Love Supreme”.
The reflections off your shadow leave a trail to follow. You have become a trailblazer and a guide. It’s not that I have never had a dark night of the soul, it’s that I have just barely learned to navigate them. Yet you are encouraging me not to just navigate them but to navigate them well. I suppose it is your gift to put into words what others can only sense. Thank you.
I need to tell you what touched me most. You mentioned the eeriness of lament and how opaque our situations can be. This description helps, it orients me to normal, or at least the normal of the lament. Your reflections on Psalm 90 was like a flash of lightning at night, illuminating the surroundings for just a split second. As it did I could see my lament wrapped up inside God’s bigger world. It’s as if “My God, my God why have you forsaken me” is surrounded in the greater “the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases”.
Thank you for this. I have already given a copy to a good friend and companion in lament. As our generation of baby boomers grow older lament will be more and more our new normal. I am grateful for this thoughtful and considerate guide.

Yours in lament,
rl

[Steven · Rating 5 out of 5]

Douglas Groothuis's memoir regarding his wife's dementia is poignant one. Groothuis speaks from the heart concerning his wife's decline. This is a book that deserves to stand alongside C.S. Lewis's A Grief Observed.

Through this book Groothuis is full honest with the full range of his reaction to his wife's condition. He describes the eeriness of dementia and the chaos that comes with it. He speaks to the temptation to hate God that comes with such terrible suffering. The seventh chapter of the book which addresses lamenting and mourning should be required reading for every Christian. After quoting the command in Romans to mourn with those who mourn Groothuis states, "Mourning rightly is a rare skill and one that cannot be cultivated without the sacrifice of one's ego on behalf of another soul and God. Any hospital chaplain worth having must develop this art of sympathy and empathy. But we are all chaplains in the hospice of life (p. 60)." Meaning that we all must learn to sacrifice our ego in order to cultivate the the sympathy and empathy that others will need from us. At the end Groothuis points to what keeps him going the love of a crucified Savior who still bears the scars. 

This book reminds readers that even if one knows all the right answers regarding evil and suffering, as the author does, the pains of life are still very much real and felt. In our feel good age I think everyone would benefit from reading memoirs like this one. It's a difficult read, as you are observing the heart ache of a man who's wife is losing her ability to communicate and interact with the world. We need honest testimony like this in book form and in the church. Too often people find the church a terrible place when they are walking through twilight. Of all the books I have read this year this book has impacted me the most. 

Disclosure: I received a review copy of the book from the publisher for the purpose of reviewing it. The opinions I have expressed are my own, and I was not required to write a positive review.

[Jared Abbott · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book unlike any other I have read. Nevertheless, it is a book that needed to be written, and I believe only Douglas Groothuis could have written it. It is a memoir of his very personal experiences of caring for his wife who suffers from primary progressive aphasia (PPA), but it is also the thoughtful meditations of a skilled and eloquent Christian philosopher.

It is stirring, while at the same time intelligent and logical. This makes for a literary work of deep existential and philosophical depth. It is impassioned without devolving into emotional anarchy; it is thoughtful without becoming cold and abstract.

I believe it was Miguel de Unamuno who said a philosophy must be lived. Douglas Groothuis has not speculated on a theology of lament in the academy--he has endured true pain and has been forced to make sense of it. He has written an account of it for our benefit.

As with every book I have read by Douglas Groothuis, it is exceptionally well written. In Walking Through Twilight he acknowledges that he takes great joy in finding the right word, and laments that his wife Becky can no longer help him find the right words. However, even without Becky's help, his love for the English language and and the craft of writing is apparent. On thing I love about his style is introducing words not used by the average American, such as prevarication, but in a way that is unpretentious and even natural. He also writes in such a way that the meanings of such words can be easily discerned via context clues. Even if the word has to be looked up, the reader has learned a new word, and the author does not introduce so many of these words that looking them up is a chore.

This is really just the dose of reality that American evangelicals need, as opposed to more popular works by Joel Osteen. This book is for those willing to learn to "smelt meaning out of suffering" from a master. The greatest benefit will be to those who have lost, or who are losing, loved ones to dementia, but everyone should read this book.

[Jimmy Reagan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book grabs you. You pick it up, anticipate what you will find, and then get surprised. Though being real, or “raw” as they say, is all the rage these days, after you read this book you may decide, as I did, that you’ve hardly ever read something that’s “raw”. So much of the rawness of our day is merely façades more painstakingly crafted, but here the author detonates dynamite under his façades. He is a philosopher, an academic, an accomplished speaker, the man that is supposed to have it all figured out, but in the waves of bewilderment that crashed upon his soul as his wife descended into the twilight of dementia he found out he did not. What he could figure out when he forced himself to examine this bizarre, unexpected place is worth contemplating. It reminded me of my dark places, which were not as dark as his, and taught me what to examine the next time.

This effort is not along the same lines as the other titles Mr. Groothuis has produced, other than his quality writing skills. For example, I was greatly instructed by his “Philosophy in Seven Sentences”. He was able to marshal philosophy and especially the Bible for his struggles. He did it without an ounce of superficiality. He wasn’t able to tie everything up in neat little packages either. The profound part was that the more crushed he became the more sufficient his Savior became. I was moved.

Usually, when I review a book I overview the contents, but I think that would be a mistake in this case. Just experience it. Approach every chapter with a clean slate. You won’t regret it!

I received this book free from the publisher. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255.

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

How do I say it: The writing is enjoyable and excellent. The topic is painful and sad. A paradox of a book for me. I appreciated the chapters about humor, anger at God and dogs. Check out those topics in one book?! I smiled when I read that the author and his wife enjoyed the humor of Seinfeld. I had told my husband the other day that when I am on the elliptical and I just can't read or watch something deep, profound, spiritual or "beneficial", I watch a Seinfeld episode.

I recommend this book to anyone who is a caregiver, who is sick, who is dying, who has lost someone, actually any person. I wonder if a young person who has not really experienced heartache could appreciate the book although I would tell them to read it. There is a lot of water under the bridge for me and I am older. The book will stay with me.

The author is a philosopher and when I took his class, I concentrated so hard that my head would hurt after the class. I'd re-read my notes and still be confused. I just don't have a mind like his (or Becky's-she was in Mensa).

He has just the right amount of deep theological, biblical and philosophical "stuff" along with honesty and vulnerability. He has a great vocabulary. A pro at wordsmithing. (Note: I just used the word stuff because I could not think of another word.) I learned a lot about lament and the difference between lament, self-pity and complaint.

He quotes C. S. Lewis often and appropriately. And thank you, DG, for writing that it is cruel to say to someone, "How are you grieving your loss?" Gag. That one really makes me mad. What do you say, "Oh, great, I'm grieving really well as opposed to grieving real badly? duh" That would be a sarcastic comment and I am sure the person is trying to be kind. I admit it is hard to know what to say nothing (hard for an extrovert) or just "I am so sorry" truly is enough.

[Peter Butler · Rating 5 out of 5]

Walking Through Twilight: A Wife’s Illness – A Philosopher’s Lament by Douglas Groothuis.

This is a remembrance of “waiting” (7). Groothius remembers the joy of his life living with his wife, Becky, and her diagnosis with “a rare form of dementia, called primary progressive aphasia (PPA)” (9).

This book is a “walking through twilight” – not darkness. Groothius alternates between telling about their life together before she became ill, her deterioration due to the disease, and reflections on what it means to be a Christian and a Philosopher in the face of what Becky was becoming through the progression of the disease.

He takes the reader through this twilight, but not into the darkness of her death. He wants to share his lament for her as she suffers. He wants to lead the reader through this lament so the reader will consider what this all means to be beings that are returning to dust – to prepare the reader for his time of lament.

Like Job before God’s questioning, as I read, I put my hand over my mouth. Groothius’ lament made me think about my life and others who have and who are walking through their own twilight – and how best to lament.

I highly recommend this book for slow reflection.

[This review appears on my blog, Amazon.com, and Goodreads.com].

[Luke · Rating 5 out of 5]

"There is no one right way to live through this. Each person with dementia is different, physically and psychologically; each caregiver is different; every situation is different. There is no roadmap, but there are detours to avoid: anger, selfishness, self-pity, rage, cowardice, dissipation, laziness, and the worst detour of all - deserting your post."
A philosophy and religion teacher tells of his journey with his wife and it is not a quick read. Raw emotion. The journey others have made will be different, but there are similarities and it can be helpful to know you are not alone in your particular journey, your experience, your thoughts and emotions. Nobody does this perfectly and it's okay to grieve and admit that it stinks.
This also has faith - this is not the end and while our loved one may forget, he or she is not forgotten.
A difficult book to read and it doesn't go quick. It is not filled with fake platitudes. But it is honest and realistic and that can be helpful for you or someone you know.
God bless those who suffer and those who care for them.

[Linda Murphy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have not (yet?) experienced the suffering that this author and his wife are in the midst of. Becky Groothuis, a bright, witty writer and editor, is diagnosed with primary progressive aphasia. In this book, we have a glimpse into the life of her husband who is her caretaker. Douglas is a theologian, philosopher, and author. He writes with total honesty, expressing feelings and thoughts that many Christians prefer to keep hidden. He is hurting; he is struggling; their lives have been upended. And it pains him to see the change in his beloved wife. But he clings to God, realizing that "God counts our tears before He takes them away. Learning to lament is, then, part of our lot under the sun. We and our neighbors are better for it, tears and all." This book is a personal, spiritual journey which reminds us that, according to Ecclesiastes, "There is a time for everything...a time to weep, and a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance."

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

A most helpful read for those going through chronic or terminal illnesses, those who need help grieving/lamenting, or those who would like to be of help for any of the above. It’s about weeping. It’s about weeping well with those who weep. I’ve never read such a thorough, thoughtful, and helpful book on lament and suffering. I feel someone finally understands me, and what I need from others as I walk through decades now of chronic illness while also caregiving for someone chronically ill. This book is for the suffering, yes. But perhaps even more so for the caregiver, and those who can’t do much to help in practical ways, but would like to offer a word of hope and encouragement in an effective way (no endorsement of Job’s miserable comforters here!). Excellent reading. Helpful insight. Staying on my bookshelf always.

[Terence Tan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Written by a lover of words. Dedicated to a fellow lover of words.

There are many reflections, observations that will I return to in the days, years ahead.

He mentions that there are things to learn in joy but there are some lessons that only sorrow can teach.

He notes that people try to escape from suffering, and some escape spouses with chronic illnesses through divorce. Without saying so much about his covenantal vow, he permeates each chapter with his hope in Christ. Always looking beyond the horizon, to the life that is to come.

This is not an easy book to write, perhaps a hard book to read. But it deepens the soul.

May we all walk our days with deeper souls.

(I hope to one day write an extended review but for now this will do.)

[Peter Pike · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is heartbreaking and profound at the same time. I can empathize with some of what Groothuis has gone through due to circumstances in my life, yet I cannot really comprehend the complete horror of what it would be like to watch my wife slowly deteriorate due to dementia. Yet this book is not a litany of complaints. Instead, it seeks to honor God by faithfully representing the truth, including things that might be difficult for us to process. Groothuis does a great service to the church by giving this work to us and teaching us just a little bit more how to lament in a holy manner.

[Ashley Albi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Groothuis is real, honest, and relatable as he writes about the struggle of caring for an ailing family member - in his case, it's his wife. As he shares his pain... his confusion... his anger, I couldn't help but find comfort in knowing that an intelligent and godly man was asking the same questions as me, a thirty-something woman with far less education as he.

I recommend his book to anyone struggling with illness, caring for someone with an illness, or going through grief. Grab a Kleenex box, find a place to read it alone or with a friend, and allow yourself to process through your emotions freely and without judgement. You are in good company.

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was difficult. It is a memoir of his experience walking his wife through primary progressive aphasia, a form of dementia. His wife, who was once a member of Mensa and is a published author, who used to edit his books, now struggles to find words for everyday things like shorts, and struggles to use simple things, like basic telephones. It is a memoir of pain and difficulty, as disjointed as the tumultuous life it now describes, yet following Job well: why does this happen, nevertheless may the Lord be glorified! I will definitely be rereading this, but it will take me several months or years before I can brave the waters again.

[Timothy Koller · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read. this. book.
A powerfully poetic philosopher vulnerably shares the experience of loving a spouse with dementia. Following their journey across the past two decades allows the reader to experience the sorrow, joy, and frustrations while also providing the reader ample opportunity to reflect on their own personal narrative. This book provides tangible advice, equipping the reader to be more aware of their impact on the suffering in their midst and gives new eyes through which to view the world.
Highly, highly recommend.

[Michele Morin · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s a common experience: the brain goes in search of a word that just will not materialize. Finally, eventually, the elusive word does come, even if it takes a thesaurus to prime the pump, and we rejoice because in conversation and in writing, finding and savoring the just-right-word to frame a thought is supremely satisfying.

Therefore, it was a searing loss for Douglas and Becky Groothuis when Becky began experiencing the symptoms of a uniquely devastating form of dementia (primary progressive aphasia) which robs the patient first of words, then of all executive function, and eventually of life. As writers, speakers, and teachers, Douglas and Becky’s life together and their livelihoods, their humor and their recreation, had revolved around words. Walking Through Twilight: A Wife’s Illness-A Philosopher’s Lament traces the tragedy of their loss from the caregiver’s perspective as, slowly, Groothuis’s beloved wife and companion begins slipping away.

The Language of Lament
Borrowing words from Moses and a soundtrack from Pink Floyd, Groothuis sings a lament in the key of faith, describing a slow suffering in a book that no one would want to write. He expressed lament with Buechner-esque accuracy:

Lament is the place “where our deep sadness meets the world’s deep wounds.” (55, 56)

Christian lament should not be silenced or hurried along, for it is a sorrow mingled with hope, and those who mourn are “aching visionaries” (57) who lead us in expressing our own broken hearts in a context of healing and purpose found only in the knowledge of God. The worry and the despair of Becky’s gradual slippage wore on Douglas’s spirit, and he related with candor his season of misotheism–“hatred of God” (41)–in which it seemed that God (whose existence Groothuis never questioned) just was not listening and would not relieve their suffering.

Becky’s aphasia and loss of executive function rendered normal routines of life–tying shoes, brushing teeth, using a phone–inscrutable. With both caregiver and patient, efficiency is just a memory, but rendering lemonade from this sour mess, Groothuis observed, “Uni-tasking is often more important than multitasking.” Leaning into the beauty and the gift of becoming the caring person in his wife’s days, his focus became the embodiment of “unmediated presence,” which comes as close to expressing the image of God as we can hope for on this planet.

Walking Through Twilight Together
As both a philosopher and a lover of God, the author plumbs the depths of his suffering and emerges with wisdom for the body of Christ both to lend purpose to our personal experiences of suffering and to sharpen our skill in coming alongside others as we enter fully and most helpfully into the brokenness of others.

Because it is a unique and long-term loss, our hearts so often do not know how to help a family that is struggling with some form of dementia. Cards and letters are a thoughtful way to express concern because they can be read in quiet moments.

Both tenderness and respect are crucial to communication and help to eliminate the tendency to talk down to dementia patients, to raise one’s voice, and to condescend. Becky Groothuis appreciated visitors and medical personnel who included her in conversations, who spoke directly to her and not merely about her.

Beware of Mere Optimism
As a caregiver, Douglas eventually begin to dread the question, “How is Becky?” A truthful answer would have been too hard for most casual inquirers to handle: “She’s not doing well, and she will never get better.” Instead of inflicting the burden of vague questions, he suggests that we avoid trying to cheer caregivers up or to move them forward in their grief. Better instead: grant them time and space to grieve. He urges believers to “pray for wisdom before speaking or communicating with someone under the pressure of loss.”

When offering help, be sure to follow through with action. Providing meals, transportation, or assistance with mundane tasks speaks love. Pronouncements shaped around Romans 8:28 and “I know how you feel” are presumptuous and not helpful, particularly in the earliest days of grief.

“Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day,
or like vinegar poured on a wound,
is one who sings songs to a heavy heart.” (Proverbs 25:20)

When words fail, when things fall apart, and the twilight signals that darkness is on its way in your own small world, God is present there in the twilight.

Even when words fail, the Word Himself is present and He will never fail.

And this update will enable you to pray with knowledge for the author as he journeys through grief:

At 6:45 a.m. on July 6, 2018, Becky Groothuis peacefully entered the presence of her Lord. Douglas shared these thoughts on Facebook shortly after her passing:

“Her long, long struggle is over. I don’t have to worry about her any more. . . Becky’s body is upstairs and will soon leave this house and all earthly houses forever. She has already risen from her body into God’s realm of angels and saints.

I don’t believe this for sentimental reasons. I worked hard for my worldview. We are more than our bodies. We have souls. The soul leaves the body at death to go into God’s presence. Christ’s resurrection is the down payment for our resurrection after the intermediate state. These beliefs hold me as God holds me, and Becky.

Many thanks to InterVarsity Press for providing a copy of this book to facilitate my review, which, of course, is offered freely and with honesty.

[D.J. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well written, profound, and authentic. These seem like trite expressions unworthy of the suffering and humanity depicted by the author, yet they are all accurate. Many of the reviews use the word “raw,” and yet I’m mindful of the concluding admonition “better to use your own faltering words rather than to steal such stock phrases.”

I left a few tears in these pages. I’m grateful to God for his faithfulness.

[Lawrence · Rating 5 out of 5]

Joining the author/Professor/Philosopher on the mourners bench before God and the school of lament where there is much to learn and where there can be ‘escape into meaning’ when ‘things fall apart’. Uncommon wisdom written plainly from the private struggle of a loved one’s dementia. For this reader this book is:
‘A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.’ -Pvrbs25:11

[Derek · Rating 5 out of 5]

Groothuis writes a sometimes funny, sometimes bittersweet, but always emotionally raw account of living with and caring for his wife as she declines through dementia.

I would recommend this book to caregiver support groups, to pastors, counselors, and anyone who might know a caregiver struggling with their faith and their caregiving.

[Harriet Johnston · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author reflects on his journey with his wife through her dementia. The book is honest and respectful. I connected with some of his experiences. My husband has dementia and some of his early symptoms included issues involving language. The author's reflections are respectful of his wife as a person and involve his faith in God.