Retief of the CDT

Retief #7

by Keith Laumer

Retief, an official of the Corps Diplomatique Terrestrienne, combats the enemies of outer space with courage and humor

Genres: Science Fiction, Humor, Fiction, Short Stories, Anthologies, Fantasy, Speculative Fiction

192 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1971

About the author

John Keith Laumer was an American science fiction author. Prior to becoming a full-time writer, he was an officer in the U.S. Air Force and a U.S. diplomat. His brother March Laumer was also a writer, known for his adult reinterpretations of the Land of Oz (also mentioned in Keith's The Other Side of Time).

Keith Laumer (aka J.K Laumer, J. Keith Laumer) is best known for his Bolo stories and his satirical Retief series. The former chronicles the evolution of juggernaut-sized tanks that eventually become self-aware through the constant improvement resulting from centuries of intermittent warfare against various alien races. The latter deals with the adventures of a cynical spacefaring diplomat who constantly has to overcome the red-tape-infused failures of people with names like Ambassador Grossblunder. The Retief stories were greatly influenced by Laumer's earlier career in the United States Foreign Service. In an interview with Paul Walker of Luna Monthly, Laumer states "I had no shortage of iniquitous memories of the Foreign Service."

Four of his shorter works received Hugo or Nebula Award nominations (one of them, "In the Queue", received nominations for both) and his novel A Plague of Demons was nominated for the Nebula Award for Best Novel in 1966.

During the peak years of 1959–1971, Laumer was a prolific science fiction writer, with his novels tending to follow one of two patterns: fast-paced, straight adventures in time and space, with an emphasis on lone-wolf, latent superman protagonists, self-sacrifice and transcendence or, broad comedies, sometimes of the over-the-top variety.

In 1971, Laumer suffered a stroke while working on the novel The Ultimax Man. As a result, he was unable to write for a few years. As he explained in an interview with Charles Platt published in The Dream Makers (1987), he refused to accept the doctors' diagnosis. He came up with an alternative explanation and developed an alternative (and very painful) treatment program. Although he was unable to write in the early 1970s, he had a number of books which were in the pipeline at the time of the stroke published during that time.

In the mid-1970s, Laumer partially recovered from the stroke and resumed writing. However, the quality of his work suffered and his career declined (Piers Anthony, How Precious Was That While, 2002). In later years Laumer also reused scenarios and characters from his earlier works to create "new" books, which some critics felt was to their detriment:

Alas, Retief to the Rescue doesn't seem so much like a new Retief novel, but a kind of Cuisnart mélange of past books.

-- Somtow Sucharitkul (Washington Post, Mar 27, 1983. p. BW11)

His Bolo creations were popular enough that other authors have written standalone science-fiction novels about them.

Laumer was also a model airplane enthusiast, and published two dozen designs between 1956 and 1962 in the U.S. magazines Air Trails, Model Airplane News and Flying Models, as well as the British magazine Aero Modeler. He published one book on the subject, How to Design and Build Flying Models in 1960. His later designs were mostly gas-powered free flight planes, and had a whimsical charm with names to match, like the "Twin Lizzie" and the "Lulla-Bi". His designs are still being revisited, reinvented and built today.

Reviews

[Art Enyedy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I first read the Retief stories back in high school, almost fifty years ago. I remember the books as being amusing, and I wondered if the stories are still funny today. Retief of the CDT contains five short stories in a 191 page paperback. Yes, the stories are still amusing - mostly the jokes bring a smile, but some actually made me laugh aloud. Retief is a long serving diplomat of the Corps Diplomatique Terrestrienne - he is assigned to various posts throughout the galaxy, dealing with aliens, the incompetence of his superiors, and foiling the schemes of the Groaci - vile, tentacled aliens who are the arch-enemies of humanity throughout the universe.

According to Goodreads, Retief of the CDT is book seven in a 16 volume oeuvre of Retief. I had no idea that there were so many Retief books, I know I did not read that many books when I had my first bout of Retief reading all those years ago. The books can be read in any order, they are completely independent stories. I assume that the order assigned by Goodreads matches the dates when each book was published. Retief of the CDT has a copyright date of 1971. The acknowledgements in the front of the book say all of these stories originally first appeared in the magazine If.

Bullets and Ballots is set on the planet of Oberon, which is populated by a diverse number of species that range in height from one to three feet. The Groaci have just been ousted from the planet, and now Terran Ambassador Clawhammer (Laumer loves to give ridiculous names to Retief's superiors, such as Colonel Saddlesore, Cultural Attaché Pennyfool or Ambassador Grossblunder) is there to oversee free elections for the Oberonians. Clawhammer is secretly conniving to install a thuggish bandit named Hoobrik as president in exchange for a trade deal heavily tilted in favor of Clawhammer's allies. Naturally, it is up to Retief to thwart the scheme and see a fair election.

Retief is a combination of man-of-action and trickery. Threats from goons are easily defeated. He always has witty quip in response to the remarks of his pompous superiors. Here is a short excerpt showing Retief in action.

"Lucky we met," said Retief. "I'm on my way to pay a call to His Truculence. Can you lead me to him?"

The Tsugg straightened his 290 pound bulk. "Tell yer crony to do his worst," he said with a small break in his voice. "Fim Gloob's not the Tsugg to play the treacher."

"It wasn't treachery that I had mind," Retief demurred. "Just ordinary diplomacy."

"Yer threats will avail ye naught," Fim Gloob declared.

"I see what you mean," Retief said. "Still, there should be some way of working this out."

Mechanical Advantage . Retief and his direct boss, Consul Magnan, are part of a Terran Field Expeditionary Group that has landed on Verdigis, a deserted planet. The ruins of civilization lie all around, but the inhabitants all died long ago. "Imagine," Counsul Magnan said in an awed tone, as the party strolled through a crumbling arcade and across a sand-drifted square, "At a time when we were still living in caves, these creatures had already developed automats and traffic jams." Cultural Attaché exults at the potential treasures that will be uncovered by teams of archaeologists - but this directly leads to problems. It seems that Magnan unwisely mentioned the discovery of this uninhabited planet to Consul General Shilth of the Groaci, and Shilth has now claimed the planet in the name of the Groaci empire. It is up to Retief to thwart the Groaci scheme.

Pime Doesn't Cray In this adventure, Retief lands on a rainy planet that the Terrans are trying to recruit to join their sphere of influence. Unfortunately, the rival Groaci are also on-planet and are also trying to entice the locals to join them. Normally, the Terrans build a replica of a baseball stadium as a gift to the locals, to impress them with the culture of the Earthlings. The Groaci, meanwhile, traditionally build a Bolshoi-type ballet theater. But this time the Terrans have hit upon a cunning scheme - this time, the Terrans built a ballet theater! Plus, the Groaci project, though heavily under-wraps, is thought to be severely behind schedule. Retief's boss, Counselor Magnan is in charge of the theater building project, and he proudly takes Retief to the site of the finished Terran theater - only to discover a gaping hole at the site. Someone has swiped the theater! Hmmm. the Groaci did have some heavy-duty lift units on planet...

Internal Affair . Wrothwax, the Terran Ambassador to Quahogg, has disappeared, along with his entire diplomatic team. Magnan and Retief are assigned to visit the desolate, barren planet where violent storms are considered mild weather, and real storms are completely destructive. Yet the planet is populated by Quahoggians, even if the storms make radio contact intermittent and video images murky at best. Upon reaching the planet surface, Retief and Magnan find themselves standing on an empty landscape - where is the palace? The coordinates must be correct - they see the Corps landing pod that preceded them standing a short distance away. There were rumors of giant sandworms on the planet surface... Retief must use his wits to set things right.

The Piecemakers . This story has a lot of funny diplomatic double speak, as conniving leaders from the Terran, Groaci and Slox empires attempt to establish supremacy on the minor planet Yudore.

"Gentlemen," The Undersecretary for Extraterrestial Affairs Thunderstroke announced in tones of doom."It looks like war."

"Eh, what's that?" a stout man in plainly tailored civvies spoke blurrily, as one just awakened from a pleasant nap. "War, you say?" He slapped the conference table with a well-manicured hand. "Well, it's about time we taught those beggars a lesson!"

"You've leapt to a fault conclusion, Colonel," the Undersecretary said sourly. "We are not on the point of embarking on hostilities --"

"Naturally not," the Military Advisor said, rising. "Not your job. Civilians all very well, but time now for the military to take over. You excuse me Mr. Secretary, I must rejoin my regiment at once--"

"Sit down, Henry," the Chief of the Groaci Desk said tiredly. "You haven't got the big picture. No Terran forces are involved on Yudore at all. Strictly an Eetee affair."

"Sound thinking," the Colonel nodded approvingly. "Why throw away the lives of Terran lads when there are plenty of native lives available for the purpose? To be given selflessly in defense of sacred Terran principles, that is to say. By the way, which side is our side?"

"Try to grasp the point, Colonel" the Undersecretary said acidly. We're neutral in the affair."

"Of course, but whom are we neutral in favor of? Or in favor of whom, I should say, are we --"

"No one! And we intend to keep it that way!"

"Umm", the Colonel resumed his seat and his nap.

Naturally, Retief and Magnan are sent out on diplomatic mission to attempt to stop the Groaci and Slox from engaging in full scale space warfare.

I have included an abundance of quotes from the Retief stories, so you can get a flavor of Laumer's humor. These jokes might grow tiresome over sixteen volumes, but for now I still find myself laughing at Retief's wry remarks. I will have to check my shelves for other Retief tales from the distant past.

[Al "Tank" · Rating 4 out of 5]

There's a reason why Laumer wrote so many Retief books: people love them. They love to watch the pompous made fun of and there's plenty of that to be had in the CDT. With such weights as, Undersecretary Thunderstroke, Ambassador Wrothwax, Colonel Saddlesore, and Ambassador Clawhammer there's plenty of pomposity to go around.

Then there are the ever-present "sticky-fingered" Groci to provide a semi-competent enemy for Retief to out-maneuver. What's not to like?

As usual, the five short stories (which take around an hour each to read if you're slow like me) are entertaining without taking much of anything seriously. Worth my time as a relaxing diversion.

[Mira · Rating 4 out of 5]

From the first line, I was hooked:

"Second Secretary Retief of the Terran Embassy emerged from his hotel into a bunting-draped street crowded with locals: bustling furry folk with upraised bushy tails, like oversize chipmunks, ranging in height from a foot to a yard."

I picked up this book in a used book store because I thought the cover was amusing (It's different from the one depicted here on Goodreads: https://ibb.co/JQcr2Bm), so had no background from the previous 6 Retief books. Not knowing what to expect from the cover, it quickly became clear to me that this is satirical sci-fi, poking fun at all sorts of sci-fi tropes and real-world diplomacy/bureaucracy.

From the back of my copy of the book, Retief (our trusty low-level CDT diplomat) "must fight the five-eyed Groaci, outwit the ferocious Tsuggs, and reason with the talking flowers he finds in the midst of a dangerous mission" in five short stories that are quick, easy, and fun to read. Mr. Magnan, Retief's supervisor, joins him along the way, and their banter was a highlight:

Magnan emitted a shrill cry and attempted to climb the wall. "Retief! What's happening?"

"No, no, Mr. Magnan," Retief said. "Your line is, 'Ah, just as I planned.' That's the way reputations for forethought are built."

Contrasting some of Retief's more subtle/dry/sarcastic remarks with the absurdity of some of Laumer's descriptions always kept me entertained as well:

"Clawhammer's pink features deepened to a dull magenta which clashed sharply with his lime-green early-late-mid-afternoon hemi-demi-informal seersucker dickey suit."

One point of contention: I noticed around halfway through that there had yet to be a single speaking female character, and this turned out to be true for the entire book. After this observation, it was hard to ignore. Of course, the book is a product of its time in that way, but that is where my -1 star comes from.

Overall, is it the best piece of science-fiction or even satirical sci-fi I've ever read? No. But is it enjoyable, light-hearted, laugh-out-loud worthy? Absolutely! I would highly recommend to fellow sci-fi and humour lovers :) I look forward to reading more of Laumer's work and to reading more about the adventures of Retief of the CDT!

[Valerie]

If you're deciding whether to read this book based on the cover art or the blurb, stop that at ONCE!

My recollection of Retief is that he was a somewhat effete type: and he's not a 'hero'. He's a diplomat and a spy (too often, those two dovetail). He's manipulative and a 'shadow behind the screen' type.

If I were making comparisons, I'd likely compare Retief to Harrison's Stainless Steel Rat. And there was probably quite a bit of crosspollination between the two, in fact.

Note that the Terrans and the Groaci may differ in physical morphology, but not substantially in any other way. They're about equally quarrelsome, trammeled by red tape, greedy, oppressive, etc. Retief has to practice his arts on his own superiors as much as on the Groaci and the various indigenous peoples.

In these series stories, I never remember which stories are in which volume. So I'll keep a running tally, for my own future reference and those of others, as I reread this.

Contents:

(1) Ballots And Bandits: A newly-'liberated' society struggles to overcome the interference of the CDT to obtain free elections and a less oppressive treaty. Watch for the qualifying ordeals for membership in the 'Tsugg'.

(2)Mechanical Advantage: Gaining civil rights for robots on a planet where all other intelligences have died off. Fair enough, though I do understand that the diplomats are worried about it spreading offworld. I do wonder how intelligent machines managed not to learn things that Archimedes and Galileo and the like worked out centuries ago on Earth, though. Don't they have ANY geometers? Who designs their buildings? Eventually they'll run out of old buildings, even if they do carry out much-needed repairs.

(3) Pime Doesn't Cray: Stringy and spooneristic indigines complicate and assist in the search for a missing building. (Out of curiosity, what do they need septic systems for?)

(4) Internal Affair: In an attempt to establish diplomatic relations with vermiform life forms on a windstorm world, first it's necessary to FIND them.

(5)The Piecemakers: It's not that hard to figure out that the plants are intelligent. But how many of them there are is harder to parse. By the way, I'd think there must be at least SOME insects--or are all the plants wind-pollinated?

[John Pedersen · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Retief books are silly and light. This is the first one I read, many years ago, and I picked it up again to see if it should stay on the shelf. For me, the answer is yes.

This particular volume is a collection of 5 short stories. These stories have aged ok, but I'm guessing mainly because there are zero female characters anywhere, so problematic treatments of them are nowhere to be found. To be fair, however, these stories (and most of the series) are aimed at puncturing the pompous and skewering political and military power structures. Observe the following, from a scene from the last story where two Terran diplomats face off against two alien fleets, bend on fighting each other. The Terrys have foolishly diverted the foes' attention from each other to their unarmed runabout:

"Gentlemen!" Magnan cried. "We Terrans would only remain on Yudore until such time as the aborigines had been properly educated in modern commercial methods and sexual hygiene, after which we'd withdraw in favor of local self-determination!"
"First to pervert, then to abandon!" Slith hissed. "Bold threats, Soft Ones! But I defy you! General Okkyokk! I propose a truce, whilst we band together to confront the common enemy!"

General foolishness with some satire. Far from perfect, but still very entertaining. Long may the Terran Concordiat defy the implacable Groaci!

[Mark Edlund · Rating 3 out of 5]

Science Fiction - a collection of five very short stories on Retief, interstellar diplomat extraordinaire. They are fun, sarcastic and definitely written in a 1970's SF style. Retief and his diplomatic corps are up against the Groaci which are thinly disguised stand ins for Russians. The day is saved every time and the planets they are saving are even thankful, sometimes.
No Canadian or pharmacy references.

[Lee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Entertaining. It's a pretty quick read, other the Prime Doesn't Cay. And that mostly dealing with how the aliens talk, as the title spoils. Retief is the only ambassador in the CDF that isn't an incompetent, selfish buffoon. Which means that he mainly success where others can't, then loses out on the credit. These are comedy books.

[Peggi Warner-Lalonde · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very much of its time - a fun and fluffy sf/fantasy romp.

[Lyanna]

Hi

[Andy Schroeder · Rating 5 out of 5]

Retief stories are commentaries on the bureaucracy and ineffectiveness of some diplomats set against the singular effectiveness of a born leader

[Chris Branch · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read a number of Retief books years ago, and remember them as humorous and generally satisfying; saw this one in a used book store so I thought I'd pick it up. Well, I guess my tastes may have changed, or else this fairly distinctive style just hasn't stood the test of time. Retief is still a cleverly written character, but he's a bit of a one trick literary creation. He's consistently cool, a man of few words, until the crux of the plot when he reveals his masterful wrap up of the entire absurd situation. And the situations are indeed too absurd to take seriously. Also, for the record, this book is not a novel, but rather five short stories, unrelated except the common characters. Anyway, a fairly quick read, but far from brilliant and only mildly engaging.

[Avis Black · Rating 2 out of 5]

I enjoyed the Retief books as a teenager not because they were good, but because they had a nasty humor that I appreciated. Laumer was in the diplomatic service, and it must have scarred him emotionally. The Retief books are Cold War parodies. It's us (The Terries) vs. them (the Groaci-aka Russians). We're stupid, they're evil. The Terran ambassadors are always fat, stupid, sprawling egoists who speak the most abstracted nonsense possible. I always enjoyed their speaking passages. Retief's immediate superior, Magnan, is a butt-kissing paper-pushing with the most amazing knack for getting into trouble. Magnan is one of my good-evil favorites, sort of like Deacon Mushrat from the Pogo comic strip. As for Retief, he's the hero who always has to rescue everybody. The books are a good idea that could have been better, and they really don't hold up to an adult mind, but they're good in your teenage years.

[Curtiss · Rating 5 out of 5]

Retief is possibly Science Fiction's most humorous, and also invariably triumphant, recurring character; embodying the intelligence and machismo of James Bond (Retief's portrayal on the cover art of some of the books is rather remininiscent of James Coburn as Derek Flint from the Our Man Flint movies) and the wit and behind-the scenes manipulation of P.G. Wodehouse's Jeeves.

Pick up any Retief novel or short-story collection and you're in for a rollicking "Good Read"! So uncork a bottle of Bacchus Black or Bacchus Red and toast the skewering of any number of Groacci foes (rhymes with whacky) accompanied by a repast of toasted Gribble Grubbs and sliced Hoob Melons for dessert.

[Doug · Rating 2 out of 5]

When life is boring, and a bit of humor is needed, this does the trick. The willingness of the protagonist to go against the bureaucracy, the wonder names & pointed acronyms make this a wonderfully fun book to read and enjoy over and over. The fact that the author was a career diplomat lends the humourous stories that shading of reality that on occasion makes me thing - 'naw - they wouldn't do anything like that would they? really? maybe??' But just maybe the Groaci are really out there....

[Debbie · Rating 3 out of 5]

SciFi book full of short stories about a diplomat named Retief. The book pokes fun at the enormous amounts of red tape and egos that exist in intergalactic diplomacy.

[Charlie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent! Laumer's play on words is classically funny, his take on how big organizations work sadly true. I encourage everyone (including you Tim) to give this a try.

[Saul · Rating 4 out of 5]

Probably some of the funniest work by Laumer. He is an unsung hero of humor SF.

[Peter · Rating 3 out of 5]

Always a good read

[SciFiOne · Rating 4 out of 5]

1980 grade B+
2010 grade B-

Retief!

series book R5? (1969)

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

We need Retief on our side....