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Why You're Not Married... Yet
With 3 marriages under her belt, Tracy McMillan KNOWS how to get married, and she knows exactly why so many other women still aren’t. In Why You’re Not Married... Yet, she pulls no punches telling the modern woman precisely what she’s doing wrong. Based on Tracy’s Valentine’s Day Huffington Post blog article of the same title, her new book explores how and why women are standing in their own way when it comes to tying the knot. Shortly after its publication, the article went viral, garnering 1,404,533 views, and now stands as the Huffington Post’s 2nd most viewed article of all time — and probably one of its most rebutted, having spawned strong response articles on CNN.com, The Frisky, and countless blogs.
208 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2012
116 people are currently reading
967 people want to read
About the author
Tracy McMillan
7 books137 followersTracy McMillan is a television writer and memoirist, most recently on the Emmy Award–winning AMC series Mad Men. Previously, she wrote on Showtime’s United States of Tara, ABC’s Life on Mars, and NBC’s Journeyman. She’s also developing an as-yet-untitled series with Dreamworks Television. I Love You and I’m Leaving You Anyway is Tracy’s first book.
Born and raised in Minneapolis, Tracy spent years in the foster care system. After graduating from the University of Utah with a broadcast-journalism degree, she spent more than a decade writing and producing television news for outlets such as NBC Nightly News, KNBC-TV, and Access Hollywood. Tracy’s articles and essays have appeared in a number of print publications and websites. She is a regular performer at Sit-n-Spin on the Comedy Central stage in Los Angeles.
She is the mother of a 13 year old boy, and lives in Los Angeles.
Her not-so-secret ambition is to have a talk show.
Born and raised in Minneapolis, Tracy spent years in the foster care system. After graduating from the University of Utah with a broadcast-journalism degree, she spent more than a decade writing and producing television news for outlets such as NBC Nightly News, KNBC-TV, and Access Hollywood. Tracy’s articles and essays have appeared in a number of print publications and websites. She is a regular performer at Sit-n-Spin on the Comedy Central stage in Los Angeles.
She is the mother of a 13 year old boy, and lives in Los Angeles.
Her not-so-secret ambition is to have a talk show.
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April 29, 2012How fascinating! I have never been insulted five times in a synopsis.
#1. "...you haven’t yet become the woman you need to be in order to have the partnership you want."
Oh my goodness! Please tell me more about how deficient I am as a woman, and why I must change to be the perfect ideal for every man on earth who is already perfect.
#2. "You’re a Bitch: How defensiveness and anger can hide behind a tough, take-charge exterior, and why being nice is never a sign of weakness."
I didn't realize that having a "tough, take-charge exterior" meant that I was a bitch. I thought it meant that I had a "tough, take-charge interior" which I was very proud of and never wished to compromise. But I see how being a tough woman can be a turn-off, and I will try my best to appear as though I am not.
#3. "You’re a Liar: How to stop lying to men—and get honest with yourself—about the kind of relationship you really want. It’s the only way."
I have never lied to a man in my life, but you just suggested that I should because my tough exterior was a turn-off. I'm confused. If I'm really honest with myself about what I want, it's a man who accepts and loves me for the tough, take-charge woman I am, on the exterior and interior.
But I am excited to read this book and find out more about how I should turn myself into soft, cushy carpeting under someone's worthy feet.
#4. "You’re Shallow: Being a woman who insists on a tall guy is no different from being a man who demands big boobs. Learn why you should let go of trying to get what you think you should have and focus on getting what you need."
Here's the secret! Men who are short, fat, and ugly are automatically better people! You know, I considered this theory once, and I tried dating short, fat, ugly men to see if they were less arrogant. I guess I must have chosen the wrong short, fat, ugly men, because they were just as cruel and abusive as the other kind, and almost as insulting as this synopsis.
#5. "You’re Selfish: The big secret about marriage: It’s about giving something, not getting it. The other big secret: You will have to go first."
You know, I've always wanted to give myself wholly to another person. That's why I am considering adopting a child. As far as I understand, parents must nurture their children and sacrifice everything for them without ever expecting to receive anything in return; not even respect or affection.
But I thought marriage was supposed to be mutually beneficial? I must have my definitions crossed! Sorry. I'm going to go now and tell all the women I know who have been abused in their marriages that they were just being selfish, and they should have given more.
It's all our fault after all.
Needless to say, I am excited to read the rest of this book and be insulted several hundred times more! If I can take all these insults and smile and say thank you, I will surely have learned how to be a good wife.
And that will be the be-all and end-all of my existence, because after the princesses got married, all the Disney movies ended and they lived happily ever after.
#1. "...you haven’t yet become the woman you need to be in order to have the partnership you want."
Oh my goodness! Please tell me more about how deficient I am as a woman, and why I must change to be the perfect ideal for every man on earth who is already perfect.
#2. "You’re a Bitch: How defensiveness and anger can hide behind a tough, take-charge exterior, and why being nice is never a sign of weakness."
I didn't realize that having a "tough, take-charge exterior" meant that I was a bitch. I thought it meant that I had a "tough, take-charge interior" which I was very proud of and never wished to compromise. But I see how being a tough woman can be a turn-off, and I will try my best to appear as though I am not.
#3. "You’re a Liar: How to stop lying to men—and get honest with yourself—about the kind of relationship you really want. It’s the only way."
I have never lied to a man in my life, but you just suggested that I should because my tough exterior was a turn-off. I'm confused. If I'm really honest with myself about what I want, it's a man who accepts and loves me for the tough, take-charge woman I am, on the exterior and interior.
But I am excited to read this book and find out more about how I should turn myself into soft, cushy carpeting under someone's worthy feet.
#4. "You’re Shallow: Being a woman who insists on a tall guy is no different from being a man who demands big boobs. Learn why you should let go of trying to get what you think you should have and focus on getting what you need."
Here's the secret! Men who are short, fat, and ugly are automatically better people! You know, I considered this theory once, and I tried dating short, fat, ugly men to see if they were less arrogant. I guess I must have chosen the wrong short, fat, ugly men, because they were just as cruel and abusive as the other kind, and almost as insulting as this synopsis.
#5. "You’re Selfish: The big secret about marriage: It’s about giving something, not getting it. The other big secret: You will have to go first."
You know, I've always wanted to give myself wholly to another person. That's why I am considering adopting a child. As far as I understand, parents must nurture their children and sacrifice everything for them without ever expecting to receive anything in return; not even respect or affection.
But I thought marriage was supposed to be mutually beneficial? I must have my definitions crossed! Sorry. I'm going to go now and tell all the women I know who have been abused in their marriages that they were just being selfish, and they should have given more.
It's all our fault after all.
Needless to say, I am excited to read the rest of this book and be insulted several hundred times more! If I can take all these insults and smile and say thank you, I will surely have learned how to be a good wife.
And that will be the be-all and end-all of my existence, because after the princesses got married, all the Disney movies ended and they lived happily ever after.
June 29, 2012
Do not be fooled by the title of this book - this is not about finding a husband, rather it is about becoming a better person, whether that means you're single or already in a relationship. I discovered this book because I like reading the Huffington Post and I came across McMillian's article on why women might not be attracting the best people into their lives. I found the book to be very insightful and though it was primarily aimed at women, I think it's a good read for men as well. Like I said before it's not about getting a boyfriend or husband but developing yourself through kindness, self acceptance and love in order to evolve into a better person. This will either bring better people into your life or make the relationship you're in even stronger. Going through a rough patch right now I found the message here incredibly meaningful - unconditional love, something that we all want but are rarely ever able to give, is about loving someone even when they don't deserve it. I think that message is relevant to everyone.
December 30, 2020
I first heard about this author during one of Oprah's Super Soul Sunday marathons--McMillan was a featured guest. Her quick witted retorts and tough talk about casual sex and marriage as the most difficult yoga enticed me to pick up her book. My hope was that I would find in its pages some fresh engaging perspectives on loving and ways to enhance my relating (in gerund form on purpose). While there are one or two nuggets of wisdom, although hardly original, I found myself bored and at times wondering how the students in a Gender and Communication course would respond to what is clearly some extremely reductive thinking on gender prescriptions and roles. Sure, she tried to preempt the feminist critique with an argument that goes like this: do you want to be a feminist or do you want to be married? And, if your answer is "both" then the author positions you into the "bitch" category, a word she uses with a degree of recklessness I find troublesome for someone who is allegedly on a spiritual sojourn. Frankly, most "traditional" approaches to relating are more nuanced than what McMillan has written when it comes to roles.
I believe this to be a bubble gum pop psychology on relating infused with some very real lived experiences that the author frames within the lessons that she has learned along the way. This book is written for cisgendered heterosexual women, in particular those who prefer to have someone else do their thinking for them; women in their 20s perhaps. Most critical thinking, strong and sensitive women can do without this book.
I believe this to be a bubble gum pop psychology on relating infused with some very real lived experiences that the author frames within the lessons that she has learned along the way. This book is written for cisgendered heterosexual women, in particular those who prefer to have someone else do their thinking for them; women in their 20s perhaps. Most critical thinking, strong and sensitive women can do without this book.
May 8, 2020
This is going to be a bad review but before I start I want to get what I liked out of the way first. Tracy has one section about how you need hobbies and you need to be able to fulfill yourself, sexually and emotionally. Great, so true, love it. She has another section on learning to love yourself, she adds some weird points but overall a good message. AND that's IT. That is where the good advice in this book stops.
Now, I don't care about calling someone a bitch, or using flashy chapter titles to grab attention, whatever, do whatever you want, what I can't stand is this book essentially telling women to completely change themselves so a man will tolerate them. The amount of times Tracy told me to nurture a man is about ten times too many.
Let's break it down because I'm in quarantine and have the time. PSA: I am very hard on Tracy in this review, normally I don't care much about the author and I go more into the content of the book but because Tracy pulls so much from her own experience, her own ideas and thoughts as basis for the points and "help" in this book I have no choice but to go after the author while also critiquing the book. (spoilers ahead I guess?)
Introduction:
Tracy paints a picture of the average women in her twenties, which being in my twenties relates to none of me or my friends and sounds very condescending. It also talks about the desire to be married like it’s some sort of hole you are trying to fill. Weird, I kept reading.
Chapter 1: You're a Bitch
aka you need to be nicer to men because when you are mean to them it makes them sad. No shit Tracy, I acknowledge men are people who have feelings. But she says "are you mad because men want you to cook and clean for them, well you shouldn't be" huh? Men have systematically exploited womens free labour in the home for centuries so when a dude expects me to make him a sandwich because I have a vagina, yeah, it pisses me off. But that apparently hurts his feelings, so I should stop.
Tracy states that women being angry all the time makes us undesirable to men, which alone is true, no one wants a grouchy partner regardless of the gender. What she fails to address is why women are angry, why you have a right to be angry, and what is valid anger. She also fails to address the fact that a man assumes me not smiling at him is me being a bitch and I assume that a man not smiling at me means literally nothing. I have been called a bitch by a man for saying "excuse me" while trying to pass him, and according to how Tracy lays it out in this book, I must have hurt his feelings and I should be nicer. On top of all this she states that female anger is scary for men because of their moms and that is another reason we as women should rein it in.
(She also adds a fun little excerpt about smiling more and why you should do it for men and only men so that they like you and think you are nice.)
Then as she does at the end of every chapter she talks about her own mistakes and what she's learned. Which in this case is men are people too. Wow, shocker. She adds a fun thing about how you don't have to turn yourself into a male fantasy like Kim K because and I quote "actually, she's a little too desperate for attention". Let's break that down. Tracy here, is insulting a literal reality TV star (keep in mind her entire empire has been built on the fact people want to pay attention to her) as being too needy for attention. Cool, I didn't know that putting down other successful women was a way to get attention from men, oh wait, that's where the phrase "I'm not like other girls" comes from. Nevermind.
Can you see why I hate this book?
In the "you need to change" section at the end of every chapter, Tracy states that changing your story can change your outlook on life. Which I agree with, I've heard this before, that you need to view things as more neutral. State things as them happening to you, not happening because of you. Tracy takes this an almost insane step further. She wants you to say things like "I left my mom'' rather then "my mother abandoned me as a baby". Now, Tracy I hate to break it to you but that's not stopping the victim mentality, that's just straight up lying to yourself. WHICH in Chapter 8 (called You're a Liar) you say we shouldn't do. Very interesting.
Chapter 2: You're Shallow
This chapter hinges on the fact that you have to pick a man for what is within, not his bank account or height. That's solid advice, she even says to talk to men you don't immediately want to sleep with, which contradicts her weird thing in Chapter 9 where she says you can't have male friends and gives an example of constantly being friendly with a male coworker as bad and hurting your chances at marriage. But FOR NOW, in Chapter 2, this is good advice. Oh! and being shallow means you're a bitch, which means you're mean, which men hate. Write that down.
Next she has a section on why objectifying men is bad, because as a woman you've been objectified and it sucks. Then she moves on, yes, that fast, she doesn't take into account that womens objectifying men goes something like "I want a tall dude" and mens objectifying women involve hours of rape porn to the point of seeing us as holes. Which leads me to my main problem with this book. Overall, the advice is off, but barely off, like milk that's only been left out one day not a whole week. That alone is not enough to make me lose my mind and dissect every single chapter for fun. What truly drives me up the wall (which coincidentally makes me crazy and therefore undesirable to men as told in Chapter 4 You're Crazy) is that she fails to mention or even think about why women act so "crazy" or "shallow" or "bitchy". Not once does she look into the difference between men and women unless it's to tell the readers how to take care of a man. She fails to consider women want a man who makes a certain amount of money because the woman has given up on expecting respect from a man and the least she can hope for is someone who can put her kids through college. Or the bitchy woman who snaps at men has been hit on so much in the grocery store she scowls so she can shop in peace. Or that "crazy" woman we will hear about later has been gaslit so many times she can't even trust her own perception so she texts dudes six times in a row to try to get a clear picture. Tracy fails to acknowledge what women face in modern dating and instead tells her audience, which is all women, they need to tone it down so that they can feel a scrap of love from a man.
In this chapter she has a weird sentence where she basically says men don't want someone that is hot anyway cause they don't want to have to do the work of fighting off other men. Uh… I’m honestly speechless. Then she makes a fun list about why rich men aren't all they are chalked up to be, just what I needed Tracy, thank you for the wisdom.
Chapter 3: You're a Slut
Tracy starts by saying she isn't judgmental. From the excerpt in every single chapter she has talking about her friends and why they aren't married I would say that's not true. But alas Tracy, we already know you lie to yourself from Chapter 2 which goes against Chapter 8. Tracy says that your sex life determines how men treat you in the beginning of the relationship. She also states "there is biology underlying sex and dating and mating" This "biology" is never quoted or credited and so I choose to not believe her, this is due to the fact that by this point in the book I already wanted to slap Tracy. Tracy says sex always leads to a relationship. I can use three different men I alone have slept with that are doing god knows what because I never got into a relationship with them to destabilize that statement. I can then gather maybe three of my friends to recount their experiences that also counter that argument. Bam, that easy.
Tracy then goes on to list the versions of casual sex you can, but shouldn't, have. She also adds a fun little point that just because a dude leads you on and you think you are in a relationship but you're actually not that's not his fault. Because remember ladies, he is a man and therefore him acting in his self-interest and hurting you is your fault because you should have known better. Not my words, literally hers.
Then Tracy goes on to point out why one of her friends isn't married in one of the funniest (unintentionally) excerpts in the entire book. Her friend Melissa isn't married because she periodically has "incredible sex" with a French dude named Pascal who calls her cute pet names and sounds like an overall chill dude. Melissa apparently keeps going back to Pascal because she "bonded" with him. Yup, that's a term Tracy uses with complete seriousness. Now if you read this passage without Tracy's judgmental comments and just the facts, it sounds like Melissa is living it up with a personal booty call by the name of Pascal who is a god in the sack, but no! This is bad! Melissa will never get married because she scarred herself by BONDING to Pascal! oh no!
Then before the Chapter ends Tracy reminds us to never settle which sounds a lot to me like being the shallow bitch she called me in Chapter 1 and 2. She ends the chapter with some normal sounding advice like don't date a guy just because you are lonely and learn how to fulfill yourself which would have come across as good advice if it hadn't been marred by everything she said earlier.
Chapter 4: You're Crazy
Like every single chapter in this book Tracy takes what could be good advice like "think before you speak" and "the things you are doing impulsively hurt you" and ruins it almost immediately with a little anecdote about how if you leave a restaurant in the middle of dinner cause the guy you are seeing is texting another woman he will look at you like you are crazy and you will have ruined everything. LITERALLY. THAT'S THE STORY SHE USES. I want to know what editor greenlit this book. Why is no one siding with the women and their valid feelings in all of her little stories? Why in a book about how to become a better woman, written by a woman, the main theme is tone it down? And infuriatingly Tracy says in chapter one that if you are a woman who is mad it's invalid and due to all your own issues and you are a bitch. This is only further touched on in this chapter. Tracy could've written the "conceal don't feel" song from Frozen except that would be the last song she sings as her final character arc in becoming the perfect woman.
Tracy says that crazy is all about intensity and that if you don't want a dude to see you after you've gotten a bad haircut you qualify as crazy. Which is interesting because she says in Chapter 6 that if you can't keep your house, appearance, or life in order you are a mess and therefore men will not want you as a wife. Funny, it’s almost like Tracy has as many expectations of women as men do. Be independent but not too independent, be in control but not controlling, be hot but not too hot. Love it! Contradictions are the spice of self help books.
Also she mentions men are more intense than women so when we get too "crazy" they can literally explode but it's just their biology and we can't blame them because again, and say it with me this time, everything a man does is your fault because you are a woman.
You know what this reminds me of, this reminds me of the cool girl monologue from Gone Girl except instead of it being a critique is a guideline on how to get a husband.
Tracy helpfully adds that being crazy to men makes them, and I quote, "weirded-out, victimized, frightened or angry men out there. It's bad for them and it's bad for us. It's bad for the world". So when men are angry it's our fault but when we are angry it's not men's fault, it's again, our fault. AND AGAIN FOLKS; everything a man does is your fault because you are a woman. Tracy suggests getting therapy so you can deal with your crazy and not set off any more men.
I also want to reiterate what I've said before. This book has good advice, Tracy talks about self soothing and honestly getting a therapist is a great idea for anyone and everyone. The problem with this book is the good is hidden with the bad. How many women read this book and find Tracys advice on breathing and going for walks when you feel like you want to scream great advice and therefore also start to believe that if a man is acting out against her it is because she was “too crazy” and she needs to learn how to deal with him better, not that he's the problem. It's fundamentally wrong to think you are in charge of someone else's feelings. You are responsible for you and you alone, if a man you are dating is mad maybe he should take a fucking walk and self sooth.
Now I went through every single chapter of this book. Yes, I did, but the word limit stopped me from posting it all. I have it in a document so if anyone has an idea of where I can post it shoot me a message or leave a comment.
Final thoughts:
Tracy doesn’t know what she is talking about. And that’s not the worst thing I could’ve said because I don't think anyone does. But she has clearly never read intersectional feminism literature, considered how being a white woman in america affects her outlook, or how her own trauma is not a universal experience. She writes like because she has been through three divorces, she understands men, yet she can’t decide in her own book whether to treat them like human beings with agency or objects. She contradicts herself so much it hurts to read and throws in little tidbits of “wisdom” that read like a girl in high school's blog. Any good or relevant advice is lost in a sea of opinions that vary from weird to harmful. Tracy can’t seem to reconcile the idea that what people do and how they act is based on them not you and the fact that when people hurt you it's not your fault and you are not responsible. She honestly seems confused to me and I don’t think a confused person should write a self help book. I don’t understand why she didn’t write about her life and her experiences in the context of her own lived experience. If she wrote “I don't think any of my ex’s have really ever lied to me” how could I argue with that? Maybe they didn’t. But to write “men don't lie” and expect me to go “sounds like the truth to me” is naive. And Tracy if you’re going to make claims about “scientific studies” and biology you have to CITE the sources. This isn’t fucking highschool, learn APA.
Now, I don't care about calling someone a bitch, or using flashy chapter titles to grab attention, whatever, do whatever you want, what I can't stand is this book essentially telling women to completely change themselves so a man will tolerate them. The amount of times Tracy told me to nurture a man is about ten times too many.
Let's break it down because I'm in quarantine and have the time. PSA: I am very hard on Tracy in this review, normally I don't care much about the author and I go more into the content of the book but because Tracy pulls so much from her own experience, her own ideas and thoughts as basis for the points and "help" in this book I have no choice but to go after the author while also critiquing the book. (spoilers ahead I guess?)
Introduction:
Tracy paints a picture of the average women in her twenties, which being in my twenties relates to none of me or my friends and sounds very condescending. It also talks about the desire to be married like it’s some sort of hole you are trying to fill. Weird, I kept reading.
Chapter 1: You're a Bitch
aka you need to be nicer to men because when you are mean to them it makes them sad. No shit Tracy, I acknowledge men are people who have feelings. But she says "are you mad because men want you to cook and clean for them, well you shouldn't be" huh? Men have systematically exploited womens free labour in the home for centuries so when a dude expects me to make him a sandwich because I have a vagina, yeah, it pisses me off. But that apparently hurts his feelings, so I should stop.
Tracy states that women being angry all the time makes us undesirable to men, which alone is true, no one wants a grouchy partner regardless of the gender. What she fails to address is why women are angry, why you have a right to be angry, and what is valid anger. She also fails to address the fact that a man assumes me not smiling at him is me being a bitch and I assume that a man not smiling at me means literally nothing. I have been called a bitch by a man for saying "excuse me" while trying to pass him, and according to how Tracy lays it out in this book, I must have hurt his feelings and I should be nicer. On top of all this she states that female anger is scary for men because of their moms and that is another reason we as women should rein it in.
(She also adds a fun little excerpt about smiling more and why you should do it for men and only men so that they like you and think you are nice.)
Then as she does at the end of every chapter she talks about her own mistakes and what she's learned. Which in this case is men are people too. Wow, shocker. She adds a fun thing about how you don't have to turn yourself into a male fantasy like Kim K because and I quote "actually, she's a little too desperate for attention". Let's break that down. Tracy here, is insulting a literal reality TV star (keep in mind her entire empire has been built on the fact people want to pay attention to her) as being too needy for attention. Cool, I didn't know that putting down other successful women was a way to get attention from men, oh wait, that's where the phrase "I'm not like other girls" comes from. Nevermind.
Can you see why I hate this book?
In the "you need to change" section at the end of every chapter, Tracy states that changing your story can change your outlook on life. Which I agree with, I've heard this before, that you need to view things as more neutral. State things as them happening to you, not happening because of you. Tracy takes this an almost insane step further. She wants you to say things like "I left my mom'' rather then "my mother abandoned me as a baby". Now, Tracy I hate to break it to you but that's not stopping the victim mentality, that's just straight up lying to yourself. WHICH in Chapter 8 (called You're a Liar) you say we shouldn't do. Very interesting.
Chapter 2: You're Shallow
This chapter hinges on the fact that you have to pick a man for what is within, not his bank account or height. That's solid advice, she even says to talk to men you don't immediately want to sleep with, which contradicts her weird thing in Chapter 9 where she says you can't have male friends and gives an example of constantly being friendly with a male coworker as bad and hurting your chances at marriage. But FOR NOW, in Chapter 2, this is good advice. Oh! and being shallow means you're a bitch, which means you're mean, which men hate. Write that down.
Next she has a section on why objectifying men is bad, because as a woman you've been objectified and it sucks. Then she moves on, yes, that fast, she doesn't take into account that womens objectifying men goes something like "I want a tall dude" and mens objectifying women involve hours of rape porn to the point of seeing us as holes. Which leads me to my main problem with this book. Overall, the advice is off, but barely off, like milk that's only been left out one day not a whole week. That alone is not enough to make me lose my mind and dissect every single chapter for fun. What truly drives me up the wall (which coincidentally makes me crazy and therefore undesirable to men as told in Chapter 4 You're Crazy) is that she fails to mention or even think about why women act so "crazy" or "shallow" or "bitchy". Not once does she look into the difference between men and women unless it's to tell the readers how to take care of a man. She fails to consider women want a man who makes a certain amount of money because the woman has given up on expecting respect from a man and the least she can hope for is someone who can put her kids through college. Or the bitchy woman who snaps at men has been hit on so much in the grocery store she scowls so she can shop in peace. Or that "crazy" woman we will hear about later has been gaslit so many times she can't even trust her own perception so she texts dudes six times in a row to try to get a clear picture. Tracy fails to acknowledge what women face in modern dating and instead tells her audience, which is all women, they need to tone it down so that they can feel a scrap of love from a man.
In this chapter she has a weird sentence where she basically says men don't want someone that is hot anyway cause they don't want to have to do the work of fighting off other men. Uh… I’m honestly speechless. Then she makes a fun list about why rich men aren't all they are chalked up to be, just what I needed Tracy, thank you for the wisdom.
Chapter 3: You're a Slut
Tracy starts by saying she isn't judgmental. From the excerpt in every single chapter she has talking about her friends and why they aren't married I would say that's not true. But alas Tracy, we already know you lie to yourself from Chapter 2 which goes against Chapter 8. Tracy says that your sex life determines how men treat you in the beginning of the relationship. She also states "there is biology underlying sex and dating and mating" This "biology" is never quoted or credited and so I choose to not believe her, this is due to the fact that by this point in the book I already wanted to slap Tracy. Tracy says sex always leads to a relationship. I can use three different men I alone have slept with that are doing god knows what because I never got into a relationship with them to destabilize that statement. I can then gather maybe three of my friends to recount their experiences that also counter that argument. Bam, that easy.
Tracy then goes on to list the versions of casual sex you can, but shouldn't, have. She also adds a fun little point that just because a dude leads you on and you think you are in a relationship but you're actually not that's not his fault. Because remember ladies, he is a man and therefore him acting in his self-interest and hurting you is your fault because you should have known better. Not my words, literally hers.
Then Tracy goes on to point out why one of her friends isn't married in one of the funniest (unintentionally) excerpts in the entire book. Her friend Melissa isn't married because she periodically has "incredible sex" with a French dude named Pascal who calls her cute pet names and sounds like an overall chill dude. Melissa apparently keeps going back to Pascal because she "bonded" with him. Yup, that's a term Tracy uses with complete seriousness. Now if you read this passage without Tracy's judgmental comments and just the facts, it sounds like Melissa is living it up with a personal booty call by the name of Pascal who is a god in the sack, but no! This is bad! Melissa will never get married because she scarred herself by BONDING to Pascal! oh no!
Then before the Chapter ends Tracy reminds us to never settle which sounds a lot to me like being the shallow bitch she called me in Chapter 1 and 2. She ends the chapter with some normal sounding advice like don't date a guy just because you are lonely and learn how to fulfill yourself which would have come across as good advice if it hadn't been marred by everything she said earlier.
Chapter 4: You're Crazy
Like every single chapter in this book Tracy takes what could be good advice like "think before you speak" and "the things you are doing impulsively hurt you" and ruins it almost immediately with a little anecdote about how if you leave a restaurant in the middle of dinner cause the guy you are seeing is texting another woman he will look at you like you are crazy and you will have ruined everything. LITERALLY. THAT'S THE STORY SHE USES. I want to know what editor greenlit this book. Why is no one siding with the women and their valid feelings in all of her little stories? Why in a book about how to become a better woman, written by a woman, the main theme is tone it down? And infuriatingly Tracy says in chapter one that if you are a woman who is mad it's invalid and due to all your own issues and you are a bitch. This is only further touched on in this chapter. Tracy could've written the "conceal don't feel" song from Frozen except that would be the last song she sings as her final character arc in becoming the perfect woman.
Tracy says that crazy is all about intensity and that if you don't want a dude to see you after you've gotten a bad haircut you qualify as crazy. Which is interesting because she says in Chapter 6 that if you can't keep your house, appearance, or life in order you are a mess and therefore men will not want you as a wife. Funny, it’s almost like Tracy has as many expectations of women as men do. Be independent but not too independent, be in control but not controlling, be hot but not too hot. Love it! Contradictions are the spice of self help books.
Also she mentions men are more intense than women so when we get too "crazy" they can literally explode but it's just their biology and we can't blame them because again, and say it with me this time, everything a man does is your fault because you are a woman.
You know what this reminds me of, this reminds me of the cool girl monologue from Gone Girl except instead of it being a critique is a guideline on how to get a husband.
Tracy helpfully adds that being crazy to men makes them, and I quote, "weirded-out, victimized, frightened or angry men out there. It's bad for them and it's bad for us. It's bad for the world". So when men are angry it's our fault but when we are angry it's not men's fault, it's again, our fault. AND AGAIN FOLKS; everything a man does is your fault because you are a woman. Tracy suggests getting therapy so you can deal with your crazy and not set off any more men.
I also want to reiterate what I've said before. This book has good advice, Tracy talks about self soothing and honestly getting a therapist is a great idea for anyone and everyone. The problem with this book is the good is hidden with the bad. How many women read this book and find Tracys advice on breathing and going for walks when you feel like you want to scream great advice and therefore also start to believe that if a man is acting out against her it is because she was “too crazy” and she needs to learn how to deal with him better, not that he's the problem. It's fundamentally wrong to think you are in charge of someone else's feelings. You are responsible for you and you alone, if a man you are dating is mad maybe he should take a fucking walk and self sooth.
Now I went through every single chapter of this book. Yes, I did, but the word limit stopped me from posting it all. I have it in a document so if anyone has an idea of where I can post it shoot me a message or leave a comment.
Final thoughts:
Tracy doesn’t know what she is talking about. And that’s not the worst thing I could’ve said because I don't think anyone does. But she has clearly never read intersectional feminism literature, considered how being a white woman in america affects her outlook, or how her own trauma is not a universal experience. She writes like because she has been through three divorces, she understands men, yet she can’t decide in her own book whether to treat them like human beings with agency or objects. She contradicts herself so much it hurts to read and throws in little tidbits of “wisdom” that read like a girl in high school's blog. Any good or relevant advice is lost in a sea of opinions that vary from weird to harmful. Tracy can’t seem to reconcile the idea that what people do and how they act is based on them not you and the fact that when people hurt you it's not your fault and you are not responsible. She honestly seems confused to me and I don’t think a confused person should write a self help book. I don’t understand why she didn’t write about her life and her experiences in the context of her own lived experience. If she wrote “I don't think any of my ex’s have really ever lied to me” how could I argue with that? Maybe they didn’t. But to write “men don't lie” and expect me to go “sounds like the truth to me” is naive. And Tracy if you’re going to make claims about “scientific studies” and biology you have to CITE the sources. This isn’t fucking highschool, learn APA.
April 22, 2015
This book sits in a hidden corner of my bookshelf but is well worn and loved. Don't be fooled by the bad marketing and supposedly sassy (but actually kind of offensive) language used in the title and as the chapters. This book is written from a place of deep sympathy, love and understanding for what women go through. It is fundamentally grounded in the idea that to be happy inside of a relationship, you have to be happy and loving outside of one. It is incredibly intimate - tracy talks openly and honestly about her failed relationships with men, about her troubled childhood, and about the wisdom of motherhood in an incredibly comforting way.
Why You're Not Married is broken down into ten chapters, each containing the reason that may be holding you back from developing satisfying and longterm relationships. The titles to each of these chapters are misleading and reek of bad self-help, but the contents are incredibly wise and true. Here they are, listed by what is really contained in each chapter:
1) Anger is getting in the way of connecting with others.
This is labeled as "Bitch" but is really just about using meanness, judgement or anger to keep people away.
2) "Shallow"
You're not looking for meaningful qualities in future partners - you only date tall men, wealthy men, brunettes, etc. Tracy encourages women to be picky about things that matter and let the little things go. She points out that when men do this, we rightfully call them sexist. People like this are dating objects and prizes, not partners.
3)You're having Casual Sex when what you really want is something longterm.
Labeled as "Slut" but actually about knowing what you want and sticking to it. Tracy encourages you to have casual sex if you know that's what you want and you have had good experiences with it. However, she points out that pursuing something casual when you want something long term can be emotionally messy, can lead you to date men you wouldn't normally, and/or can take up time & nights you might have spent meeting someone you like even better.
4) You are emotionally unstable
"Crazy." This chapter is about your ability to react to conflict and tension (perceived or real) in a relationship in a way that benefits you and your partner. You're allowed to be emotional. This is about those of us that express our anxiety/fears/jealousy in unhealthy and destructive ways.
5)"Selfish"
You see a relationship as another goal you need to get on your list of things to accomplish. This doesn't mean you need to bring a man sandwiches when he demands. Tracy only encourages you to have a more realistic view of what a relationship means. Just like you want your man to be generous, kind, loving, forgiving and giving, you need to offer him all these things.
6) "A Mess"
This is pretty simple - you have habits or behaviors you know you need to change but haven't. She lists many - drinking, messiness, depression, etc - but emphasizes that they need to to seriously affect your life in a negative way. This isn't about eliminating all your little quirks and flaws, but about being realistic with how well you function as a single person and about letting go of the idea that you are going to fix this inside of a relationship. Tracy emphasizes the fact that being in a relationship isn't going to help you. After all, wherever You go there You are. She also mentions that people who are dysfunctional tend to choose and attract partners who are dysfunctional.
7) You don't think you're good enough
"You hate yourself." This chapter is about the importance of self acceptance and how this will allow you to accept others for who they are and, more importantly, choose a partner that loves all of you!
8) Allowing yourself to date innapropriate men.
"You're a Liar." This chapter is about being honest with what you want both with yourself and with others. If you want a stable relationship, don't tell a man that is upfront with you about wanting something casual that its okay. If you want a man that is kind and honest, don't date a mean liar and tell yourself he will change or you're just with him until you find someone better.
9) "You're a dude"
This is my least favorite and I think the least helpful chapter. But, it does acknowledge that everyone has both feminine and masculine sides to themselves and that often times, being a good partner means allowing yourself to be nurturing, open to new ideas, willing to depend on another person, etc. I think I would add to this that men should adopt some of these traits as well.
10) You don't have faith in a happy ending and a good life.
"You're Godless" This chapter isn't about religion. Its just about having faith that if you have already conquered all the above things and you still haven't found the right guy, its okay because you know it will eventually work out. This is about having something outside of yourself that helps you be happy and calm that isn't a man, a relationship, a bottle, or any other thing!
In each chapter tracy gives personal examples, examples from friends and clients, reasons why you might be doing the unhealthy things you're doing, ways to change if any of these things are making you unhappy, and support and the belief that you're an amazing woman!
Reading this feels like drinking hot chocolate on a rainy day. Tracy's loving and life affirming aura radiates through the pages. I would recommend it to everyone!
Why You're Not Married is broken down into ten chapters, each containing the reason that may be holding you back from developing satisfying and longterm relationships. The titles to each of these chapters are misleading and reek of bad self-help, but the contents are incredibly wise and true. Here they are, listed by what is really contained in each chapter:
1) Anger is getting in the way of connecting with others.
This is labeled as "Bitch" but is really just about using meanness, judgement or anger to keep people away.
2) "Shallow"
You're not looking for meaningful qualities in future partners - you only date tall men, wealthy men, brunettes, etc. Tracy encourages women to be picky about things that matter and let the little things go. She points out that when men do this, we rightfully call them sexist. People like this are dating objects and prizes, not partners.
3)You're having Casual Sex when what you really want is something longterm.
Labeled as "Slut" but actually about knowing what you want and sticking to it. Tracy encourages you to have casual sex if you know that's what you want and you have had good experiences with it. However, she points out that pursuing something casual when you want something long term can be emotionally messy, can lead you to date men you wouldn't normally, and/or can take up time & nights you might have spent meeting someone you like even better.
4) You are emotionally unstable
"Crazy." This chapter is about your ability to react to conflict and tension (perceived or real) in a relationship in a way that benefits you and your partner. You're allowed to be emotional. This is about those of us that express our anxiety/fears/jealousy in unhealthy and destructive ways.
5)"Selfish"
You see a relationship as another goal you need to get on your list of things to accomplish. This doesn't mean you need to bring a man sandwiches when he demands. Tracy only encourages you to have a more realistic view of what a relationship means. Just like you want your man to be generous, kind, loving, forgiving and giving, you need to offer him all these things.
6) "A Mess"
This is pretty simple - you have habits or behaviors you know you need to change but haven't. She lists many - drinking, messiness, depression, etc - but emphasizes that they need to to seriously affect your life in a negative way. This isn't about eliminating all your little quirks and flaws, but about being realistic with how well you function as a single person and about letting go of the idea that you are going to fix this inside of a relationship. Tracy emphasizes the fact that being in a relationship isn't going to help you. After all, wherever You go there You are. She also mentions that people who are dysfunctional tend to choose and attract partners who are dysfunctional.
7) You don't think you're good enough
"You hate yourself." This chapter is about the importance of self acceptance and how this will allow you to accept others for who they are and, more importantly, choose a partner that loves all of you!
8) Allowing yourself to date innapropriate men.
"You're a Liar." This chapter is about being honest with what you want both with yourself and with others. If you want a stable relationship, don't tell a man that is upfront with you about wanting something casual that its okay. If you want a man that is kind and honest, don't date a mean liar and tell yourself he will change or you're just with him until you find someone better.
9) "You're a dude"
This is my least favorite and I think the least helpful chapter. But, it does acknowledge that everyone has both feminine and masculine sides to themselves and that often times, being a good partner means allowing yourself to be nurturing, open to new ideas, willing to depend on another person, etc. I think I would add to this that men should adopt some of these traits as well.
10) You don't have faith in a happy ending and a good life.
"You're Godless" This chapter isn't about religion. Its just about having faith that if you have already conquered all the above things and you still haven't found the right guy, its okay because you know it will eventually work out. This is about having something outside of yourself that helps you be happy and calm that isn't a man, a relationship, a bottle, or any other thing!
In each chapter tracy gives personal examples, examples from friends and clients, reasons why you might be doing the unhealthy things you're doing, ways to change if any of these things are making you unhappy, and support and the belief that you're an amazing woman!
Reading this feels like drinking hot chocolate on a rainy day. Tracy's loving and life affirming aura radiates through the pages. I would recommend it to everyone!
March 5, 2019
The thing about this book is that there is some genuinely helpful guidance in here - not just about "landing a man" (barf) but about how to be a better, kinder, more compassionate person. Truly. I highlighted a lot of parts for re-reading.
The problem, however, is that the helpful insight is couched in some truly outdated, judgmental and gaslight-y language. Basically this author reminds you to not be a CRAZY SLUTTY MCSLUTTERSON because men don't like that and ladies, you had best shape yourself to be everything men want which is NOTHING YOU ARE RIGHT NOW, YOU ANNOYING BITCH. (Yes, the book literally calls you a bitch, a slut, and crazy. Yes, you. If you think this isn't you then it probably applies EXTRA to you.)
If you've read the The Rules (or Not Your Mother's Rules) and hated them as much as I did, you might spend 1-2 pages being tricked by this book's youthful language into thinking that this is a nice breath of fresh air that is not going to bog you down with tired tropes about all the ways in which women are just THE WORST (aren't we, ladies?!?!?), but you'll soon see through the charade. This book isn't a regular mom IT'S A COOL MOM! It mentions Beyonce! It talks to you like it's your friend just trying to dish some hot gossip over a Skinnygirl marg (because don't forget, you need to lose weight to catch you a man!). But this book is not a cool mom at all, try as it may.
My favorite parts JK JK JK were the ones where it was all, "Listen, ladies. Men are immature pieces of garbage. They are not going to do stuff around the house or really do anything for themselves or for you. They are not going to contribute to a relationship in any way. They need you to take care of their physical and emotional needs 100% but you can't have any emotions of your own because THEY HATE THAT. Don't forget though that even though you need to be perfect in all ways and do literally everything for them, you can't seem like you're in control because men hate a bossy bitch and they want to think they're taking care of you so can you please just run their whole world while making them think they're doing it?!? Men are like teenagers basically and here's how you need to fix yourself in order to snag you one of these fine specimens!"
Give me a break. I know this isn't a book for men about how to attract women but it would be great if a book for women about how to attract men (say, this one, perhaps?) could say something like, "Here are some tips about how to find an awesome guy. If you meet a man who sucks, don't date that man and actually run far, far away. You are an incredible goddess and you don't need to waste your time with a manchild THANK U, NEXT."
Let's not forget that the author reminds us constantly of her 3 failed marriages but DON'T WORRY Y'ALL SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE'S DOING NOW, FOR REALSIES. Sigh.
I am angry at the blog that recommended this book to me.
The problem, however, is that the helpful insight is couched in some truly outdated, judgmental and gaslight-y language. Basically this author reminds you to not be a CRAZY SLUTTY MCSLUTTERSON because men don't like that and ladies, you had best shape yourself to be everything men want which is NOTHING YOU ARE RIGHT NOW, YOU ANNOYING BITCH. (Yes, the book literally calls you a bitch, a slut, and crazy. Yes, you. If you think this isn't you then it probably applies EXTRA to you.)
If you've read the The Rules (or Not Your Mother's Rules) and hated them as much as I did, you might spend 1-2 pages being tricked by this book's youthful language into thinking that this is a nice breath of fresh air that is not going to bog you down with tired tropes about all the ways in which women are just THE WORST (aren't we, ladies?!?!?), but you'll soon see through the charade. This book isn't a regular mom IT'S A COOL MOM! It mentions Beyonce! It talks to you like it's your friend just trying to dish some hot gossip over a Skinnygirl marg (because don't forget, you need to lose weight to catch you a man!). But this book is not a cool mom at all, try as it may.
My favorite parts JK JK JK were the ones where it was all, "Listen, ladies. Men are immature pieces of garbage. They are not going to do stuff around the house or really do anything for themselves or for you. They are not going to contribute to a relationship in any way. They need you to take care of their physical and emotional needs 100% but you can't have any emotions of your own because THEY HATE THAT. Don't forget though that even though you need to be perfect in all ways and do literally everything for them, you can't seem like you're in control because men hate a bossy bitch and they want to think they're taking care of you so can you please just run their whole world while making them think they're doing it?!? Men are like teenagers basically and here's how you need to fix yourself in order to snag you one of these fine specimens!"
Give me a break. I know this isn't a book for men about how to attract women but it would be great if a book for women about how to attract men (say, this one, perhaps?) could say something like, "Here are some tips about how to find an awesome guy. If you meet a man who sucks, don't date that man and actually run far, far away. You are an incredible goddess and you don't need to waste your time with a manchild THANK U, NEXT."
Let's not forget that the author reminds us constantly of her 3 failed marriages but DON'T WORRY Y'ALL SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE'S DOING NOW, FOR REALSIES. Sigh.
I am angry at the blog that recommended this book to me.
February 12, 2020
Summary: I'd like to give this to about 75% of my unmarried female friends. For the rest, I kind of want them to read the 5 languages of love. Still, that's a huge number of people that will benefit so def 4 stars, worth reading.
p. 6 - Smiling. YAAAS. I tell this to my female friends all the time. It's drinks! Not a business meeting for Goodness sakes. And it's not even that you need to smile at men. Smile at me. I have to hang out with you!
p. 13 - Being sweet is key. It will def get you the guy. BUT... for the girls that feel they are super sweet, but are unmarried. Check out the book the 5 languages of Love, b/c I think that might be your problem.
p. 40 - This is really key stuff, though she seems pretty negative about wealthy men. Some women do marry wealthy men and think this is the stuff they want. Guess what, some wealthy men marry women and think that this is the stuff they want. Turns out, if both had spent more time talking about what was a great future and less time just thinking how clutch that arrangement was in a specific moment in time, that would have made all the diff. What I'm saying is that you should take this advice and then you should modify it to what the future you want is and think whether that's consistent with your actions. That to me (sans her feelings about rich vs. poor) is the real take away. But I feel her, b/c for a lot of women, they look at it exactly how she's saying it. Again if this isn't you, you're legit the 25%, you know what you want and it's not based on cash money - 5 languages of love is your book.
p. 48 - Casual sex is a lie. This is true. 'nough said.
p. 57 - He's trying to figure out if you're sane. True.
p 59 - This term human mating strategies and mate poaching... wow!!!
p. 164 - This whole myth of Femininity is not feminist is spelled out really well here and why it's got to stop if it's ruining your dating life.
p. 165 - Make them be a better men, hold them to higher integrity. She does a great job of explaining how to do that without freaking out. I kind of love it.
p. 168 - I love this section on Change. It is for this reason I decided to review the book fully as a video on instagram. If she'd only written on just this I think she'd have a whole book.
This force of attraction thing is SOOOO real and once you're in touch with it... it is less about not having a date and more about picking the right one.
p. 174 - You're the prize. Also, it's not about being girly. Being girly is not the same as being feminine. I wish she'd also added it's not about being blatantly sexual. That also doesn't typically get you the right sort.
p. 175 - These two are great. It's about knowing that you will find the one to join with your life. You have to be open and not so judgy, but also try to protect yourself. It's tough, it might take practice, but it's the right call.
p. 186 - These are a bunch of things to cultivate about yourself and they are great. They are universally attractive, even if it's being attractive to yourself. I love it.
p. 194 - "Marriage is a spiritual path. It is the practice of being loving to yourself and to" your significant other.
I love the story in the back as well with Guiliana Rancit
p. 6 - Smiling. YAAAS. I tell this to my female friends all the time. It's drinks! Not a business meeting for Goodness sakes. And it's not even that you need to smile at men. Smile at me. I have to hang out with you!
p. 13 - Being sweet is key. It will def get you the guy. BUT... for the girls that feel they are super sweet, but are unmarried. Check out the book the 5 languages of Love, b/c I think that might be your problem.
p. 40 - This is really key stuff, though she seems pretty negative about wealthy men. Some women do marry wealthy men and think this is the stuff they want. Guess what, some wealthy men marry women and think that this is the stuff they want. Turns out, if both had spent more time talking about what was a great future and less time just thinking how clutch that arrangement was in a specific moment in time, that would have made all the diff. What I'm saying is that you should take this advice and then you should modify it to what the future you want is and think whether that's consistent with your actions. That to me (sans her feelings about rich vs. poor) is the real take away. But I feel her, b/c for a lot of women, they look at it exactly how she's saying it. Again if this isn't you, you're legit the 25%, you know what you want and it's not based on cash money - 5 languages of love is your book.
p. 48 - Casual sex is a lie. This is true. 'nough said.
p. 57 - He's trying to figure out if you're sane. True.
p 59 - This term human mating strategies and mate poaching... wow!!!
p. 164 - This whole myth of Femininity is not feminist is spelled out really well here and why it's got to stop if it's ruining your dating life.
p. 165 - Make them be a better men, hold them to higher integrity. She does a great job of explaining how to do that without freaking out. I kind of love it.
p. 168 - I love this section on Change. It is for this reason I decided to review the book fully as a video on instagram. If she'd only written on just this I think she'd have a whole book.
This force of attraction thing is SOOOO real and once you're in touch with it... it is less about not having a date and more about picking the right one.
p. 174 - You're the prize. Also, it's not about being girly. Being girly is not the same as being feminine. I wish she'd also added it's not about being blatantly sexual. That also doesn't typically get you the right sort.
p. 175 - These two are great. It's about knowing that you will find the one to join with your life. You have to be open and not so judgy, but also try to protect yourself. It's tough, it might take practice, but it's the right call.
p. 186 - These are a bunch of things to cultivate about yourself and they are great. They are universally attractive, even if it's being attractive to yourself. I love it.
p. 194 - "Marriage is a spiritual path. It is the practice of being loving to yourself and to" your significant other.
I love the story in the back as well with Guiliana Rancit
July 1, 2012
I really did not want to like this book, but it turns out that it's not as bad as I imagined it was going to be at all. There are some parts I took issue with, but at the end of the book I was relieved that McMillan was transparent about being married a few times and divorced a few times. She applied all of the tips she gives women for improving themselves if they want to be married and can't seem to get it together to herself. There's a big chunk of spiritual and faith-related material in here that surprised me, and she did a good job of being witty without feeling like she needed to be condescending. The key to what makes this book work is her compassion, her great storytelling ability and her admission that she has had all of the bitchy, shallow, dude-like qualities that she tries to talk women out of so that they can prepare themselves for the marriage they really want. She says, ultimately, that marriage is a spiritual path, which an interesting concept. I'm glad I read it instead of dismissing it altogether.
July 21, 2023
As always, books on relationships, and especially marriage, can be spotty with their advice. However, overarchingly (for the most part), I found this book honest, simple and well-grounded in foundational features of healthy relationships. It’s also increasingly relevant for modern dating culture (and that’s coming from someone freshly entering modern dating culture).
January 27, 2021
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I loved this book. I am very serious about books I give 5 stars to and this book deserved it. I first heard about Tracy McMillan after my coworker saw her on TV and we then looked up her article for Huff Post (same title of the book) and I immediately despised her. I found the article to be annoying and when I shared it on Twitter and found the men all agreed, I was irate. Still, I figured I should read the book before actually deciding if this woman's womanhood card should be revoked and had big plans to blog about how stupid and ridiculous her book was.
BOY.WAS.I.WRONG. This book was witty, clever, amusing, loving, authentic, and so many other wonderful things. There was no pointing fingers but at the same time no sugarcoating of things. It was simply no nonsense like your sister or bff would tell you. I found it to be an easy read and kept finding quotes and things that I wanted to write down to take with me. I think the article actually did the book a disservice because you can't really see the big picture just off the article.
The book is broken up into 10 chapters or reasons why you aren't married yet, things like "You're a Bitch", "You're Godless, "You're a Liar" etc... and each one has her own life experience, a breakdown of her point of view (i.e. what the harsh chapter name is about), and suggestions on how you can change. I think that part of the reason I loved this book is because I'm in a place in my life where I want to change (thanks to May Cause Miracles) but I feel as though this book could open the eyes of even the harshest critic.
I truly wan't to recommend this book to SO many of my single friends and tell them "READ THIS NOW!!!!!!" but again, this is one of those things you have to be open to. I plan to go back and read through specific chapters I know I had an issue with and I'm actually planning to buy it (I check it out at the library) which shows you how much I enjoyed it. I can't tell y'all enough how great this book was! So if you think you might be open to it, go buy it now!!!
BOY.WAS.I.WRONG. This book was witty, clever, amusing, loving, authentic, and so many other wonderful things. There was no pointing fingers but at the same time no sugarcoating of things. It was simply no nonsense like your sister or bff would tell you. I found it to be an easy read and kept finding quotes and things that I wanted to write down to take with me. I think the article actually did the book a disservice because you can't really see the big picture just off the article.
The book is broken up into 10 chapters or reasons why you aren't married yet, things like "You're a Bitch", "You're Godless, "You're a Liar" etc... and each one has her own life experience, a breakdown of her point of view (i.e. what the harsh chapter name is about), and suggestions on how you can change. I think that part of the reason I loved this book is because I'm in a place in my life where I want to change (thanks to May Cause Miracles) but I feel as though this book could open the eyes of even the harshest critic.
I truly wan't to recommend this book to SO many of my single friends and tell them "READ THIS NOW!!!!!!" but again, this is one of those things you have to be open to. I plan to go back and read through specific chapters I know I had an issue with and I'm actually planning to buy it (I check it out at the library) which shows you how much I enjoyed it. I can't tell y'all enough how great this book was! So if you think you might be open to it, go buy it now!!!
January 14, 2015
Finished this yesterday, and I really enjoyed it. A lot of what she says can be easily misconstrued but I think that if a reader is genuinely interested and open to hearing out all she has to say they will like it too. When I first started reading I thought it was gonna be some weird antifeminist crap but actually found her take on things interesting and helpful. And like she says, it's not a "how to get a man" book but more of a taking an honest look at yourself and figuring out reasons why you might not be attracting the right people and relationships you want in your life. And though the focus is on romantic relationships and in particular for straight women, it's stuff that applies to most all relationships in a lot of ways. Also, if you don't like snark the humor probably won't work for you.
Link to her original article:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-m...
Link to her original article:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-m...
April 23, 2016
This books initially presents as kind of a cold, wake up call with snarky titles such as "You're a Slut" "You're Shallow" "You're a Dude", but the chapters are written more like a good friend, and often from a position of humility by someone who has had her fair share of ups and downs with men. I really liked how it made me examine my own beliefs about men and myself and how these beliefs may stand in my way. The book also is geared more toward preparing you for being a good wife in the sense of learning how to truly love someone. The writing is easy to read, I completed the book in a few hours, and there are lots of good examples and anecdotes as well as spot-checks to see if the chapters apply to you. A good, well-written, thought-provoking read!
August 28, 2021
*3.5/5
Expectation: This book isn’t applicable, as I'm not tryna get married any time soon and find the idea of settling down at age 40 appealing.
Reality: This book was convicting at nearly every turn, mostly because...
Expectation: This book is about marriage.
Reality: This book is about your relationship with yourself (and consequently, how that impacts your dating life, but even that's more of an afterthought). In that sense it was highly relatable bc while not everyone wants to get married, everyone has a relationship with themselves.
Expectation: This book is "betchy" and light-hearted.
Reality: Author Tracy McMillan did an interview on "Dear Shandy" aka my absolute favorite Bachelor franchise podcast, and I had gone into this wanting a quick n spicy read. It has quick n spicy moments, but it's also spiritual, and while I don't resonate with all the points made, I did find the core of the story deceptively substantial. McMillan writes in a very 2010s Jezebel-esque "betchy" tone; many chapters utilize clickbait titles e.g. "You're a bitch" or "You're godless" — much of which would fail a 2021 PC vibe check — but the content itself is much kinder, e.g. "You're a stone-cold bitch, BUT some of this stems from your fear of being vulnerable in a male-dominated society. It's hard, but it's time to soften up and lean into your Feminine." It feels like McMillan has your best interests in mind, and most of what she suggests is quite reasonable, but uh yeah you can def tell this was written in 2012.
Expectation: This book isn’t applicable, as I'm not tryna get married any time soon and find the idea of settling down at age 40 appealing.
Reality: This book was convicting at nearly every turn, mostly because...
Expectation: This book is about marriage.
Reality: This book is about your relationship with yourself (and consequently, how that impacts your dating life, but even that's more of an afterthought). In that sense it was highly relatable bc while not everyone wants to get married, everyone has a relationship with themselves.
Expectation: This book is "betchy" and light-hearted.
Reality: Author Tracy McMillan did an interview on "Dear Shandy" aka my absolute favorite Bachelor franchise podcast, and I had gone into this wanting a quick n spicy read. It has quick n spicy moments, but it's also spiritual, and while I don't resonate with all the points made, I did find the core of the story deceptively substantial. McMillan writes in a very 2010s Jezebel-esque "betchy" tone; many chapters utilize clickbait titles e.g. "You're a bitch" or "You're godless" — much of which would fail a 2021 PC vibe check — but the content itself is much kinder, e.g. "You're a stone-cold bitch, BUT some of this stems from your fear of being vulnerable in a male-dominated society. It's hard, but it's time to soften up and lean into your Feminine." It feels like McMillan has your best interests in mind, and most of what she suggests is quite reasonable, but uh yeah you can def tell this was written in 2012.
July 27, 2012
A brutally written book that reminds me of 'the rules'. She has lots of excellent points, which she delivers in a way guaranteed to get your attention, and I have to admit it only left me depressed and disheartened. Once again, the ladies have to do all the changing, because men are incapable and unwilling (which i fear is true), and god help the ladies if they revert to old habits when they finally get that coveted relationship, because men don't really want THEM, they want them to be their mom. And shes probably right, and we, the unmarried and uncertain about altering ourselves just to trick a y chromosome into marrying us, are simply doomed.
November 5, 2015
I loved this! This was that big sister kick in the butt conversation everyone needs from time to time. I love that it really wasn't about how to track down a man, it was about how to ATTRACT a husband. It's all about doing the necessary inner work that will make you attractive, relationship or not. I caught myself laughing in a bunch of places because she described me perfectly.
What I loved most: you can still love yourself and know that there are things you need to change. Change doesn't mean you're saying there's something horribly wrong with you, it just means there's spots that just need to be better. I needed to hear that.
What I loved most: you can still love yourself and know that there are things you need to change. Change doesn't mean you're saying there's something horribly wrong with you, it just means there's spots that just need to be better. I needed to hear that.
September 20, 2021
♪ Founded a husband in 20 seconds, my new record ♪
August 25, 2021
I picked this up on the Libby app after listening to the author on the Dear Shandy podcast. It was a quick, interesting and, at times humourous, look at common reasons for being single. A lot has changed since its publication, and the author addressed the binary on the podcast, so I tried to read it with that in mind. While not looking to get married again, I do want to avoid repeating past missteps!
September 4, 2012
I admit I've read more books on relationships than I want to count. So I'm not sure why I picked up Why You're Not Married Yet by Tracy McMillian. I suppose I was hoping for something new in the age old question of why it seems the women who want relationships can't get them and those wanting to be left alone are fighting off dates. When I told a friend I was reading this book, we had a few laughs about it, and she was checking in to ask if I had found the reason there is no ring on my finger.
This book was different than the many other volumes I have found. It is broken up into ten chapters and each one talk about a different "personality trait" or as I think of them -- character flaws -- which could be sabotaging your relationships. Unlike other books I have read in this genre this is NOT about manipulating a man. It is NOT about how to go forth with a set of rules and accomplish your goal. This book is NOT about a timeline, nor is it how to find a man.
What this book DOES do is teaches you how to improve in areas you may have missed. For instance, one area she points out is that if you have a "power job" you may be more masculine than many men are looking for in their life partner, so the author talks about how to allow your feminine side to shine. Another chapter is the fact that some women still don't have it together. Whatever "it" is, "it" can very from finances in a mess to living in a place that looks like a college boy's dorm room.
Each chapter gives suggestions and even includes a section about what others know but aren't telling you. This is also a very fun read. While it didn't make me laugh, it was quite enjoyable. It reminded me of talks us girls had in college, only we didn't know half this stuff back then.
Overall I very much enjoyed this book. I don't know if it will help or not, but it was a fun read, and for that I give it four stars!
This book was different than the many other volumes I have found. It is broken up into ten chapters and each one talk about a different "personality trait" or as I think of them -- character flaws -- which could be sabotaging your relationships. Unlike other books I have read in this genre this is NOT about manipulating a man. It is NOT about how to go forth with a set of rules and accomplish your goal. This book is NOT about a timeline, nor is it how to find a man.
What this book DOES do is teaches you how to improve in areas you may have missed. For instance, one area she points out is that if you have a "power job" you may be more masculine than many men are looking for in their life partner, so the author talks about how to allow your feminine side to shine. Another chapter is the fact that some women still don't have it together. Whatever "it" is, "it" can very from finances in a mess to living in a place that looks like a college boy's dorm room.
Each chapter gives suggestions and even includes a section about what others know but aren't telling you. This is also a very fun read. While it didn't make me laugh, it was quite enjoyable. It reminded me of talks us girls had in college, only we didn't know half this stuff back then.
Overall I very much enjoyed this book. I don't know if it will help or not, but it was a fun read, and for that I give it four stars!
July 13, 2012
I don't think I realized how much I liked this book until I was at dinner with one of my girlfriends last evening when the conversation turned to relationships (as they somehow always do amongst girlfriends). As we were chatting about the things we find ourselves and our other friends doing in relationships, I found myself referencing Tracy's book quite a bit. The reason I feel like I can call the author Tracy is the exact reason that I enjoyed this read - it felt like a conversation with another one of my female friends. Tracy was honest, straightforward and pretty funny most of the time. However, any reader thinking about picking this book up should be warned: Sense of humor and open mind are a must for this one. With chapters like "You're A Bitch", "You're A Liar" and "You're a Dude" (to name a few), I think it would be easy for any reader to get offended by Tracy's approach. She puts a lot of responsibility on the reader to tune into her 'traditional feminine energy' which at times means *gasp* serving your man. Once I suppressed my own feminist outrage, I realized that Tracy made some great points. Healthy relationships should be a mutual partnership, which involves recognizing areas that could use some improvement and giving a little just to make your partner happy. Not an easy feat for some of us crazy, lying, bitchy, independent women. ;) **Please note that I received this book as a Goodreads giveaway**
December 18, 2019
Wow! Just wow! Boy if I needed Harvey's book (Act like a lady...) when I was 18; I needed this at 18 1/2. This is written, not by a degreed relationship expert, but by a woman who became an expert in relationships through them. It is actually inappropriately titled. It should be, "How to develop the best version of you." Am I expecting marriage. No. But I am expecting that a Mister will see me as a mate---and now, I believe that might include marriage. I can be a warm, loving and caring woman. I now believe there is someone out there that would love to have me in their life! Make him a younger, energetic man, Lord! LOL. I also see why friends, long time friends like John and Scarlet, urged me to keep working on me. Wow! My eyes have been opened!
February 12, 2013
This should really be titled "Why You're Not Happy...Yet". As the author herself states, this is a book about much more important stuff than finding someone to mate with; it's about getting down with your one, true self, being of service, and other spiritual fundamentals. So yeah, there's god in them thar pages. If that's a big problem for you right now, this is probably not the book for you. But if you're down with at least the notion that maybe-possibly you aren't in charge of the whole show, and if you're looking for a funny, nurturing, ass-kicking, truth-telling guide to help escort your ass to peace and well-being, this book is an awfully good way in.
April 30, 2015
It's a good and fun read with lots of useful and practical advice and i luved all the spiritual stuff mentioned in the book as a new perspective to look at things ,what i liked most is the last chapter about becoming spiritual ,if you are wondering why you are not married yet ,Tracy will help you figure out why by pointing out some of your characteristics and attitudes that are not helpful when it comes to find a fulfilling relationship that leads to marriage, it takes self-awareness and willingness to change to change your life ,that's why this book is a Must-read for single ladies ;)
January 13, 2021
I highly recommend this to all women, single or in a relationship. It is an easy read and being written by a female author who has been through quite a lot in her own journey of relationships, gets our behavior as females pretty spot on. Once pointed out, it is much easier to work on things that you may not have ever realized were hidden beneath the surface.
Update! 6 months after reading this book and really doing the work the author suggests on manifesting the partner you deserve in life, I met my now husband, and best friend.
Update! 6 months after reading this book and really doing the work the author suggests on manifesting the partner you deserve in life, I met my now husband, and best friend.
February 20, 2016
I received this book free through Goodreads First Reads. An informative read. Found out some things I have been doing wrong in relationships.
June 11, 2012
I enjoyed this, and welcomed Ms. McMillan's candor. For anyone interested in the romantic dynamics between men and women. Encourages women not to sell themselves short.
April 30, 2019
Don't be deceived by the title. It's actually a self help book to be a better person.
January 3, 2021
This is a self-help book, disguised as a feel-good deep talk between you and you’re much wiser, much more experienced, much more put-together BFF. This book does all of the helping but without the grandiose verbiage from a mightier-than-thou pedestal. I read this book in 24 hours; I simply could. not. put. it. down. I was inspired to pick up this book after recognizing the woman on the cover— Tracy McMillan was the host of the best Ted Talk I watched during a very dark (debatably, the darkest) period of my life. She spoke with honest, wit, and humor, and pulled me up off my a**.
Well, she’s done it again. The irony of it is that Tracy (and yes, we’re on a first-name basis now) is anything BUT put-together. At least, she hasn’t always been. This woman has seen some SH*T, but thank goodness for that, because she was kind enough to jot down all those life lessons she learned in this self-help book/memoir/list-of-honest-truths-you-need-to-hear-if-you’re-now-the-type-of-woman-who-picks-up-a-book-about-why-you’re-not-married. Her chapters are funny yet raw, and certainly not for the faint of heart. When you pick up this book, you’ll need to enter its pages with the established knowledge that you are a flawed human that has some fixing to do. Also, diehard feminists beware: some of her suggestions will feel, at least initially, suspiciously anti-feminist. But she lifts these propositions with tact, and if you read through and hear her out, by its end you’ll likely at least partially agree with what she has to say.
I found almost ever chapter to be relatable as hell, but she crafts the book in such a way that it’s sort of a choose-your-own-journey. She suggests a complete read-through, then a revisit at the chapters that feel most applicable to you. Each chapter is structured like this: here is this kinda sh*tty thing you’re doing and here’s what it looks like. Here’s someone I know who also does that sh*tty thing (you’re not alone, I promise). Here’s when I did that sh*tty thing in my life (I didn’t get this wise by being perfect). Here’s how this applies when dealing with men (because men only deserve a snippet of each chapter—this book is mostly about YOU). Here’s ACTIONABLE things you can do right now to be on your way to a better self (because that’s ultimately what you want, right?).
After reading this book, I feel called out in the best possible way. I clearly see where my flaws lie, but Tracy has also given me the tools and the mother-like wisdom to make me confident that I can fix them. I feel empowered.
Well, she’s done it again. The irony of it is that Tracy (and yes, we’re on a first-name basis now) is anything BUT put-together. At least, she hasn’t always been. This woman has seen some SH*T, but thank goodness for that, because she was kind enough to jot down all those life lessons she learned in this self-help book/memoir/list-of-honest-truths-you-need-to-hear-if-you’re-now-the-type-of-woman-who-picks-up-a-book-about-why-you’re-not-married. Her chapters are funny yet raw, and certainly not for the faint of heart. When you pick up this book, you’ll need to enter its pages with the established knowledge that you are a flawed human that has some fixing to do. Also, diehard feminists beware: some of her suggestions will feel, at least initially, suspiciously anti-feminist. But she lifts these propositions with tact, and if you read through and hear her out, by its end you’ll likely at least partially agree with what she has to say.
I found almost ever chapter to be relatable as hell, but she crafts the book in such a way that it’s sort of a choose-your-own-journey. She suggests a complete read-through, then a revisit at the chapters that feel most applicable to you. Each chapter is structured like this: here is this kinda sh*tty thing you’re doing and here’s what it looks like. Here’s someone I know who also does that sh*tty thing (you’re not alone, I promise). Here’s when I did that sh*tty thing in my life (I didn’t get this wise by being perfect). Here’s how this applies when dealing with men (because men only deserve a snippet of each chapter—this book is mostly about YOU). Here’s ACTIONABLE things you can do right now to be on your way to a better self (because that’s ultimately what you want, right?).
After reading this book, I feel called out in the best possible way. I clearly see where my flaws lie, but Tracy has also given me the tools and the mother-like wisdom to make me confident that I can fix them. I feel empowered.
February 22, 2025
This book was super easy to read and I liked the author’s writing style. I am not even offended that she calls the reader a b*tch! I appreciate the sass and non-nonsense approach.
However, I feel like this book was geared towards a specific type of woman. If you have a fear of intimacy of intimacy or an anxious-avoidant attachment style, this book will not be super relevant to you, imo. On the other hand, if you have a lot of hookups or unfulfilling relationships and need to no-nonsense chat about how to change your ways in order to get married, this book may be more applicable to you.
I also feel like this book is meant for the 90s/early 00s reader rather than someone reading in the 2020s. Dating (and society) has changed a lot since the early 2000s, and some of the points the author makes seem a bit stale. In this day and age, many young people are glued to technology, suffer from loneliness and insecurity, and aren’t even getting out and meeting anyone. (I’m not making this up, Google it.) The author doesn’t address that. Dating apps have also changed the game a lot. Plus, she makes a lot of pop culture references that the younger reader won’t understand.
But it’s a decent, quick read! 3/5 stars.
However, I feel like this book was geared towards a specific type of woman. If you have a fear of intimacy of intimacy or an anxious-avoidant attachment style, this book will not be super relevant to you, imo. On the other hand, if you have a lot of hookups or unfulfilling relationships and need to no-nonsense chat about how to change your ways in order to get married, this book may be more applicable to you.
I also feel like this book is meant for the 90s/early 00s reader rather than someone reading in the 2020s. Dating (and society) has changed a lot since the early 2000s, and some of the points the author makes seem a bit stale. In this day and age, many young people are glued to technology, suffer from loneliness and insecurity, and aren’t even getting out and meeting anyone. (I’m not making this up, Google it.) The author doesn’t address that. Dating apps have also changed the game a lot. Plus, she makes a lot of pop culture references that the younger reader won’t understand.
But it’s a decent, quick read! 3/5 stars.
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October 15, 2024I can respect that some people did not care for this book; everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but please feel free to pick it up if you're looking for perspective on yourself. Ms. McMillan reiterates that "Marriage is a spiritual journey," and further, that your relationship with oneself ultimately sets the tone for every other relationship. I suppose I'd write in this review that I reflect upon this book when I need a 'tune up' about relationships, which is to remind myself that who I am is a person is more important than my relationship status, and how to add value to my life before I can expect anyone else to provide grandeur. I liked Ms. McMillan's reflections about finding ways to be helpful when you're in something like a tough job, and to remember to embrace the parts of you that you love, and don't be afraid of a little therapy for the trickier issues. Take the book for what it's worth to you, and I applaud Tracy McMillan for writing it. Thank you, Tracy!
November 9, 2018
PU, what a stinker! Why does she spend so much time talking about everything she did wrong and assuming she knows why other people aren't married? It's nothing based in psychology or research of any kind (if any was cited I didn't see it). It's the folksy "she's not married because she's obviously too picky!" or "you're a woman, so you'll probably fall for your friend with benefits!" kind of generalized drivel. Plus she seems to have an anxious or anxious/avoidant attachment type. Her message may have some truth in it (obviously people want to marry other people who are nice to them), but this book is a MESS.
Try Attached instead if you want to cut through cheesy speculation and get to the real reason you're controlling/too picky/needy etc.
Try Attached instead if you want to cut through cheesy speculation and get to the real reason you're controlling/too picky/needy etc.
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