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How Not To Be a Boy
RULES FOR BEING A MAN
Don't Cry; Love Sport; Play Rough; Drink Beer; Don't Talk About Feelings
But Robert Webb has been wondering for some time now: are those rules actually any use? To anyone?
Looking back over his life, from schoolboy crushes (on girls and boys) to discovering the power of making people laugh (in the Cambridge Footlights with David Mitchell), and from losing his beloved mother to becoming a husband and father, Robert Webb considers the absurd expectations boys and men have thrust upon them at every stage of life.
Hilarious and heartbreaking, How Not To Be a Boy explores the relationships that made Robert who he is as a man, the lessons we learn as sons and daughters, and the understanding that sometimes you aren't the Luke Skywalker of your life - you're actually Darth Vader.
Don't Cry; Love Sport; Play Rough; Drink Beer; Don't Talk About Feelings
But Robert Webb has been wondering for some time now: are those rules actually any use? To anyone?
Looking back over his life, from schoolboy crushes (on girls and boys) to discovering the power of making people laugh (in the Cambridge Footlights with David Mitchell), and from losing his beloved mother to becoming a husband and father, Robert Webb considers the absurd expectations boys and men have thrust upon them at every stage of life.
Hilarious and heartbreaking, How Not To Be a Boy explores the relationships that made Robert who he is as a man, the lessons we learn as sons and daughters, and the understanding that sometimes you aren't the Luke Skywalker of your life - you're actually Darth Vader.
336 pages, Paperback
First published August 29, 2017
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December 8, 2018
“A funny-but-with-sad-bits memoir, themed around masculinity… A look at my life through the lens of gender.”
(Webb’s summation of this book on the TV show The Last Leg.)
This is a celebrity memoir that is more about abstract ideas than celebrity - which makes it worthwhile even for those who are unfamiliar with him.
Webb is a mid-forties comedian (writer and performer) I’ve long enjoyed, and I was vaguely aware that his mother had died shortly before he was due to finish school. The funny bits are funny, though mostly at his expense, but the sad bits are far sadder than I expected, and his thoughts on the damage of masculine stereotypes is more insightful than I foresaw. It’s told in a very conversational, but not entirely chronological way: I could “hear” him (or maybe him as Jeremy in Peep Show), even though I was reading dead trees, rather than listening to him narrate the audiobook.
Sad
“Hell hath no fury like an angry son with a book deal.”
He has much to be angry about, but he repeatedly strives "to be Tremendously Fair" (especially to his late father). That’s disarming, and gives his message more punch.
He grew up in working class rural Lincolnshire, with brothers who were five and six years older than him. His father drank and was sometimes violent, and his parents divorced when he was five. He was unlike any of the males in his family or at school, but he was labelled “shy” rather than traumatised by his dysfunctional family. Things improved somewhat, and then, just as he was about to sit A level exams with the hope of getting the grades to go to Cambridge, where he wanted to join the Footlights and become a famous actor (in part because “Famous people are safe. Famous people don’t have problems”), his mother was given four months to live and died. Men “man up” and soldier on. So he tried to.
Funny
“Puberty rushes in like a pyrophobic arsonist.”
There’s always a little humour to be milked for hormone-raged teen fumbles. And for fellow sci-fi fans, there are plenty of references, especially to Star Wars (Luke, Vader - and eventually, the real Princess Leia). There’s also a Dr Who anecdote that combines the two!
Funny-but-with-sad-bits
“One of the oddest things about being terminally ill is that you get a new job - host.”
Most of the humour is tinged with sadness, and much of the sadness is leavened with humour. This is encapsulated in his final conversation with his dying mother. She wants to know if there’s anything he wants to ask her. To avoid “losing it” (crying), he says he’s worried about still being a virgin, and promises to get the slightly improbable three As needed to go to Cambridge.
He’s also haunted by the knowledge that for him to exist, someone else had to die.
“What I partly miss about having a mum is the teenager’s God-given right to refuse her help.”
At school, as the boy with no mother, who flunked his exams but still plans to get to Cambridge, he is both glamorous and a cautionary tale. “I’m gagging on humble pie.”
Masculinity
“Men’s rights activists tend to make a series of valid observations from which they proceed to a single, 180-degree-wrong conclusion.”
Yes, men are more likely to become alcoholic, turn to crime, kill themselves, and various other things, but rather than being the fault of feminism, Webb thinks the traditional expectations on men are the issue.
The theme is framed by chapter titles, including: Boys Aren't Shy, Boys Love Sport, Boys Don't Fall in Love (with other boys), Boys Don't Cry, Men Don't Need Therapy, and Men Are Good at Directions, topped and tailed by bright pink end-papers.
Gender Differences
His thesis is that many gender differences are primarily cultural, exacerbated and entrenched by stereotypes. I broadly agree. He was initially concerned about the damaging pressure for boys and men to be traditionally masculine, but now, as the father of two young girls, he’s equally aware of how damaging narrow expectations are to girls and women. He cites Cordelia Fine’s Delusions of Gender - a widely admired book that I was less keen on. I want to agree with her, but I don’t think she proves her case very well, as I explained in my review HERE. Conversely, he correctly, imo, identifies the trouble with Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and its ilk is that “they all start from the premise of difference… [and] excuse and reinforce them.”
A couple of other relevant books:
• Bongiovanni and Jimerson's A Quick & Easy Guide to They/Them Pronouns, which I reviewed HERE. It’s a comic book that is mainly about non-binary and genderfluid people who don’t identify fully and consistently as either male or female, so prefer non-gendered nouns and pronouns.
• Sally Hines' Is Gender Fluid?, which I reviewed HERE. It also has a very youthful, funky format, though not comic book.
Personal Struggles
“I don’t seem to be very good at being a boy and I’m afraid of men. One man in particular.”
He’s a crap boyfriend. Repeatedly. And he gives the impression that it’s not only in hindsight he sees it that way: “I wanted a girlfriend but couldn’t be bothered to deserve one.” For all that he was never a “proper boy”, when he becomes a husband and then father, he finds himself slipping into the only model he really knows. The one he most wanted to avoid. “I want to be the opposite of Dad.” The difference is, that he faces up to it. And changes.
His father, uncle, and grandfather died within a couple of years. Webb believes their regrets were more about the non-masculine things they didn’t do enough of: “friendship, understanding, family and love”. When Webb is an old man, I think he’ll be able to hold his head high and not have those regrets (though I’m sure he’ll have others, as everyone does).
Your homework
When you hear - or use - gender-based generalisations, replace boy/girl/man/woman with a race or religion and see if it still sounds acceptable.
“Masculinity adds up to little more than the pursuit of not being a woman.”
Ditch the word ‘masculinity’:
“What is this word doing apart from conjuring a bunch of stereotypes…? And ‘femininity’ - what is it? Having hair? I mean, long hair on your head but none on your legs, under your armpits or within a square mile of your Feminine Ladysecret.”
The “Trick”
"Feminism is not about men versus women; it's about men and women versus The Trick [the patriarchy]."
When his five-year old daughter wonders if dressing as Spider-Man, rather than a princess might mean she’s laughed at, her mother asks what she’d say if that happens.
“Shall I tell them that they’re laughing because of The Trick that makes boys unhappy and girls get rubbish jobs?”
Quotes
• “The London streetlights liquefy as I cry all the way home.”
• “I welcome the sight of the [foot]ball coming arching towards me in the same way that a quadriplegic nudist covered in jam welcomes the sight of a hornet.”
• “Privilege is just a posh word for luck.”
• “I’ve settled at the disappointing end of clever or the hopeful side of dim.”
• “They sound like people on the news rather than people in Lincolnshire watching it.” (Fellow pupils at senior school)
• “Will patrols his heterosexuality like a prison guard who has recently lost faith in the penal system.”
• “It’s as if I can feel my soul being stitched back together.” (An encounter with Wordsworth’s Tintern Abbey, poem HERE)
• “If I think too hard about how he used to treat Mum, there’s always the chance I might kill him. Otherwise I’m just scared of him.” (Aged 18)
• “We [men] were all playing pool as skillfully as possible while not giving the slightest fuck about winning.”
• “The Care Home Kaleidoscope Synecdoche - a house concentrated into a single, glittering room.”
• “It’s difficult to give an honest performance when you’ve been handed a lousy part.” (A problem of being female.)
• In a village, there’s nowhere to hide; everyone knows everything about everyone. “Rural conservatives are not the monsters of bigotry that I… have occasionally found it convenient to assume. In fact, they’re some of the most tolerant people I’ve ever met. Not because they’re inherently nicer than city-dwellers, but because they don’t have a choice.” Webb is made welcome at the bar of the local Conservative Club, and his public support of the Labour Party “discreetly overlooked”. They make exceptions for each other.
Who is this guy anyway?
If you’re not familiar with Webb, try these links:
• An excellent 15-minute interview with him about this book: HERE.
• Radio sketch show, That Mitchell and Webb Sound: Wikipedia page HERE. Search for sketches on YouTube.
• TV sketch show, That Mitchell and Webb Look: Wikipedia page HERE and recordings HERE. Search for sketches on YouTube.
• A few favourite M&W sketches (most audio-only):
Are we the baddies?
No one drowned
Homeopathic A&E
Identity theft
Milk helpline
Train safety
Brain Surgeon
• Wikipedia page about flat-sharing TV sit-com, Peep Show: HERE.
Review approved by the man himself
Tweet source
(Webb’s summation of this book on the TV show The Last Leg.)
This is a celebrity memoir that is more about abstract ideas than celebrity - which makes it worthwhile even for those who are unfamiliar with him.
Webb is a mid-forties comedian (writer and performer) I’ve long enjoyed, and I was vaguely aware that his mother had died shortly before he was due to finish school. The funny bits are funny, though mostly at his expense, but the sad bits are far sadder than I expected, and his thoughts on the damage of masculine stereotypes is more insightful than I foresaw. It’s told in a very conversational, but not entirely chronological way: I could “hear” him (or maybe him as Jeremy in Peep Show), even though I was reading dead trees, rather than listening to him narrate the audiobook.
Sad
“Hell hath no fury like an angry son with a book deal.”
He has much to be angry about, but he repeatedly strives "to be Tremendously Fair" (especially to his late father). That’s disarming, and gives his message more punch.
He grew up in working class rural Lincolnshire, with brothers who were five and six years older than him. His father drank and was sometimes violent, and his parents divorced when he was five. He was unlike any of the males in his family or at school, but he was labelled “shy” rather than traumatised by his dysfunctional family. Things improved somewhat, and then, just as he was about to sit A level exams with the hope of getting the grades to go to Cambridge, where he wanted to join the Footlights and become a famous actor (in part because “Famous people are safe. Famous people don’t have problems”), his mother was given four months to live and died. Men “man up” and soldier on. So he tried to.
Funny
“Puberty rushes in like a pyrophobic arsonist.”
There’s always a little humour to be milked for hormone-raged teen fumbles. And for fellow sci-fi fans, there are plenty of references, especially to Star Wars (Luke, Vader - and eventually, the real Princess Leia). There’s also a Dr Who anecdote that combines the two!
Funny-but-with-sad-bits
“One of the oddest things about being terminally ill is that you get a new job - host.”
Most of the humour is tinged with sadness, and much of the sadness is leavened with humour. This is encapsulated in his final conversation with his dying mother. She wants to know if there’s anything he wants to ask her. To avoid “losing it” (crying), he says he’s worried about still being a virgin, and promises to get the slightly improbable three As needed to go to Cambridge.
He’s also haunted by the knowledge that for him to exist, someone else had to die.
“What I partly miss about having a mum is the teenager’s God-given right to refuse her help.”
At school, as the boy with no mother, who flunked his exams but still plans to get to Cambridge, he is both glamorous and a cautionary tale. “I’m gagging on humble pie.”
Masculinity
“Men’s rights activists tend to make a series of valid observations from which they proceed to a single, 180-degree-wrong conclusion.”
Yes, men are more likely to become alcoholic, turn to crime, kill themselves, and various other things, but rather than being the fault of feminism, Webb thinks the traditional expectations on men are the issue.
The theme is framed by chapter titles, including: Boys Aren't Shy, Boys Love Sport, Boys Don't Fall in Love (with other boys), Boys Don't Cry, Men Don't Need Therapy, and Men Are Good at Directions, topped and tailed by bright pink end-papers.
Gender Differences
His thesis is that many gender differences are primarily cultural, exacerbated and entrenched by stereotypes. I broadly agree. He was initially concerned about the damaging pressure for boys and men to be traditionally masculine, but now, as the father of two young girls, he’s equally aware of how damaging narrow expectations are to girls and women. He cites Cordelia Fine’s Delusions of Gender - a widely admired book that I was less keen on. I want to agree with her, but I don’t think she proves her case very well, as I explained in my review HERE. Conversely, he correctly, imo, identifies the trouble with Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and its ilk is that “they all start from the premise of difference… [and] excuse and reinforce them.”
A couple of other relevant books:
• Bongiovanni and Jimerson's A Quick & Easy Guide to They/Them Pronouns, which I reviewed HERE. It’s a comic book that is mainly about non-binary and genderfluid people who don’t identify fully and consistently as either male or female, so prefer non-gendered nouns and pronouns.
• Sally Hines' Is Gender Fluid?, which I reviewed HERE. It also has a very youthful, funky format, though not comic book.
Personal Struggles
“I don’t seem to be very good at being a boy and I’m afraid of men. One man in particular.”
He’s a crap boyfriend. Repeatedly. And he gives the impression that it’s not only in hindsight he sees it that way: “I wanted a girlfriend but couldn’t be bothered to deserve one.” For all that he was never a “proper boy”, when he becomes a husband and then father, he finds himself slipping into the only model he really knows. The one he most wanted to avoid. “I want to be the opposite of Dad.” The difference is, that he faces up to it. And changes.
His father, uncle, and grandfather died within a couple of years. Webb believes their regrets were more about the non-masculine things they didn’t do enough of: “friendship, understanding, family and love”. When Webb is an old man, I think he’ll be able to hold his head high and not have those regrets (though I’m sure he’ll have others, as everyone does).
Your homework
When you hear - or use - gender-based generalisations, replace boy/girl/man/woman with a race or religion and see if it still sounds acceptable.
“Masculinity adds up to little more than the pursuit of not being a woman.”
Ditch the word ‘masculinity’:
“What is this word doing apart from conjuring a bunch of stereotypes…? And ‘femininity’ - what is it? Having hair? I mean, long hair on your head but none on your legs, under your armpits or within a square mile of your Feminine Ladysecret.”
The “Trick”
"Feminism is not about men versus women; it's about men and women versus The Trick [the patriarchy]."
When his five-year old daughter wonders if dressing as Spider-Man, rather than a princess might mean she’s laughed at, her mother asks what she’d say if that happens.
“Shall I tell them that they’re laughing because of The Trick that makes boys unhappy and girls get rubbish jobs?”
Quotes
• “The London streetlights liquefy as I cry all the way home.”
• “I welcome the sight of the [foot]ball coming arching towards me in the same way that a quadriplegic nudist covered in jam welcomes the sight of a hornet.”
• “Privilege is just a posh word for luck.”
• “I’ve settled at the disappointing end of clever or the hopeful side of dim.”
• “They sound like people on the news rather than people in Lincolnshire watching it.” (Fellow pupils at senior school)
• “Will patrols his heterosexuality like a prison guard who has recently lost faith in the penal system.”
• “It’s as if I can feel my soul being stitched back together.” (An encounter with Wordsworth’s Tintern Abbey, poem HERE)
• “If I think too hard about how he used to treat Mum, there’s always the chance I might kill him. Otherwise I’m just scared of him.” (Aged 18)
• “We [men] were all playing pool as skillfully as possible while not giving the slightest fuck about winning.”
• “The Care Home Kaleidoscope Synecdoche - a house concentrated into a single, glittering room.”
• “It’s difficult to give an honest performance when you’ve been handed a lousy part.” (A problem of being female.)
• In a village, there’s nowhere to hide; everyone knows everything about everyone. “Rural conservatives are not the monsters of bigotry that I… have occasionally found it convenient to assume. In fact, they’re some of the most tolerant people I’ve ever met. Not because they’re inherently nicer than city-dwellers, but because they don’t have a choice.” Webb is made welcome at the bar of the local Conservative Club, and his public support of the Labour Party “discreetly overlooked”. They make exceptions for each other.
Who is this guy anyway?
If you’re not familiar with Webb, try these links:
• An excellent 15-minute interview with him about this book: HERE.
• Radio sketch show, That Mitchell and Webb Sound: Wikipedia page HERE. Search for sketches on YouTube.
• TV sketch show, That Mitchell and Webb Look: Wikipedia page HERE and recordings HERE. Search for sketches on YouTube.
• A few favourite M&W sketches (most audio-only):
Are we the baddies?
No one drowned
Homeopathic A&E
Identity theft
Milk helpline
Train safety
Brain Surgeon
• Wikipedia page about flat-sharing TV sit-com, Peep Show: HERE.
Review approved by the man himself
Tweet source
October 12, 2019
4 stars! I loved how funny this memoir was. I thought I didn’t know squat about Robert Webb but didn’t realise he was the one from Peep Show and best mates with David Mitchell. He’s so funny, and I think even if you don’t know who this guy is do listen to it anyway. Hilarious, sad and entertaining - Robert Webb is a great comedian.
October 16, 2017
4☆ Compelling, Funny, Poignant, Emotional, Thought Provoking!
How Not To Be a Boy is Robert Webb's Autobiography.
Ok so I know many people find Autobiographies hard to read.
But Robert has this way of engaging the reader with his Witt, Humour and sarcasm which makes for a very interesting and thought provoking read.
It really gets you thinking.
It's a book that delves into stereotypes, Family relationships, sexuality, conforming to the 'norm'. It was funny yet compelling and emotional.
I was first introduced to Robert's TV work when I watched Peep Show! Such a genius tv show.
So when I was given the chance to delve into Robert's world I just knew I was in for something different.
How Not to be a Boy really is what it's about.
This book focuses on Gender Roles and stereotypes and what it's like for Boys and Men growing up.
How Boys and Men are told not to show emotion and they must stay strong at all times.
What it's like growing up in an all Male environment where it's not ok to do and act certain ways!
For me reading this book opened my eyes to the person behind the comedian.
The heartbreak, grief, his broken childhood, his strained absuive relationship with his Father, struggling with masculinity, his bisexuality, Depression, Alcoholism, his relationships, his career, becoming a Husband and a Father.
The only thing I found a little off putting was how the story jumped around a little. I feel Robert done this so not to make it feel quite so like an Autobiography and more like a story/thought process so it's not so structured.
Which some readers could find a little confusing as it tended to wander off a little.
Overall a fantastic insight into Robert Webb's life.
Be prepared to laugh, cry, and question!
I would definitely recommend this book to all readers.
I received this book from the Publisher in exchange for a honest and fair review.
My Review is also on my blog website:
http://dashfan81.blogspot.com/2017/10...
How Not To Be a Boy is Robert Webb's Autobiography.
Ok so I know many people find Autobiographies hard to read.
But Robert has this way of engaging the reader with his Witt, Humour and sarcasm which makes for a very interesting and thought provoking read.
It really gets you thinking.
It's a book that delves into stereotypes, Family relationships, sexuality, conforming to the 'norm'. It was funny yet compelling and emotional.
I was first introduced to Robert's TV work when I watched Peep Show! Such a genius tv show.
So when I was given the chance to delve into Robert's world I just knew I was in for something different.
How Not to be a Boy really is what it's about.
This book focuses on Gender Roles and stereotypes and what it's like for Boys and Men growing up.
How Boys and Men are told not to show emotion and they must stay strong at all times.
What it's like growing up in an all Male environment where it's not ok to do and act certain ways!
For me reading this book opened my eyes to the person behind the comedian.
The heartbreak, grief, his broken childhood, his strained absuive relationship with his Father, struggling with masculinity, his bisexuality, Depression, Alcoholism, his relationships, his career, becoming a Husband and a Father.
The only thing I found a little off putting was how the story jumped around a little. I feel Robert done this so not to make it feel quite so like an Autobiography and more like a story/thought process so it's not so structured.
Which some readers could find a little confusing as it tended to wander off a little.
Overall a fantastic insight into Robert Webb's life.
Be prepared to laugh, cry, and question!
I would definitely recommend this book to all readers.
I received this book from the Publisher in exchange for a honest and fair review.
My Review is also on my blog website:
http://dashfan81.blogspot.com/2017/10...
September 19, 2017
This is an exceptionally honest and soul-baring autobiography which goes beyond the normal bildungsroman of the autobiography and explores how societal attitudes help shape and affect the people we become. Webb is pretty 'woke' as he discusses how patriarchy affects and limits the development of men and women, although in different ways. Through this he looks at his strained relationship with his father, his rather callous twenties, his struggle with the early death of his mother, his bisexuality and later problems with alcoholism, and how he is trying to ensure his children face the difficulties of life with a little more help than he had. Even if you're not a fan of Webb, this book will surprise you.
November 7, 2025
I embarked on this book with more than a little trepidation. I've been long aware of Webb's work from watching the Mitchell & Webb series, and from various other appearances, however have always found him in interview to come across as a snarky and self-important ass. This book goes some ways to explaining that particular side of his personality, as well as some of his more widely held convictions on life, and on the generalising of people.
It's by no means a terrible book. Webb's English degree from Cambridge ensures that he knows how to write well enough and a career in comedy writing stands him in good stead to keep the occasionally smirk-rising quip falling in between the grandiose amounts of self-pity and self-loathing.
What doesn't really work about this book, is that it tries to be two vastly different things; an autobiography, and a passionate treatise on the values of feminism, and associated condemnation of "toxic masculinity" in all its forms. Far be it for me to question an author's convictions and beliefs, but it's difficult not to plainly see the reasons for each and every conclusion that Webb sets up to knock down throughout the book, and more difficult not to questioning the means to which he avoids looking into other aspects of his life.
Put plainly, everything bad in his life is some man's fault. His Grandfather, father, step-father, teachers, lecturers, Dean of faculty and so on and so forth leading down to himself, as he himself begins to act with loathsome and callous disregard of the women in his life as he spirals into alcoholism. Yet never once does he turn that critical view on his mother, or on his girlfriends, or his wife. Which lends the narrative a sense of unbalanced dishonesty. One that I suspect is mirrored in his own mind. Unfortunately that leaves the distinct impression of reading the insistent tale of someone who only wants to tell half a story.
The other major issue is that the book is in fits and starts as between several chapters, Webb clumsily inserts a series of didactic pages about feminist theory, patiently explaining to the somewhat patronised reader with the tone of a mid-week Guardian article.
It's an occasionally amusing book. One for die-hard fans of comedy auto-biography, or for first year psychology students who want a clearly written self-account of an as yet undiagnosed Oedipus complex.
It's by no means a terrible book. Webb's English degree from Cambridge ensures that he knows how to write well enough and a career in comedy writing stands him in good stead to keep the occasionally smirk-rising quip falling in between the grandiose amounts of self-pity and self-loathing.
What doesn't really work about this book, is that it tries to be two vastly different things; an autobiography, and a passionate treatise on the values of feminism, and associated condemnation of "toxic masculinity" in all its forms. Far be it for me to question an author's convictions and beliefs, but it's difficult not to plainly see the reasons for each and every conclusion that Webb sets up to knock down throughout the book, and more difficult not to questioning the means to which he avoids looking into other aspects of his life.
Put plainly, everything bad in his life is some man's fault. His Grandfather, father, step-father, teachers, lecturers, Dean of faculty and so on and so forth leading down to himself, as he himself begins to act with loathsome and callous disregard of the women in his life as he spirals into alcoholism. Yet never once does he turn that critical view on his mother, or on his girlfriends, or his wife. Which lends the narrative a sense of unbalanced dishonesty. One that I suspect is mirrored in his own mind. Unfortunately that leaves the distinct impression of reading the insistent tale of someone who only wants to tell half a story.
The other major issue is that the book is in fits and starts as between several chapters, Webb clumsily inserts a series of didactic pages about feminist theory, patiently explaining to the somewhat patronised reader with the tone of a mid-week Guardian article.
It's an occasionally amusing book. One for die-hard fans of comedy auto-biography, or for first year psychology students who want a clearly written self-account of an as yet undiagnosed Oedipus complex.
July 17, 2017
Robert Webb has chosen to bare his soul with this autobiographical debut. He doesn’t just want to tell people where he came from and what has happened to him in his first forty three years being Robert Webb. He wants to show you how his struggles with the norms of society that have plagued him with issues within his own life. These now seem to have been entirely avoidable with the enlightenment the benefit of hindsight has now given him.
Bloody hell you might initially think, but you would be wrong to do so. Let’s give him a chance……..
Initially made famous through comedic work upon stage, screen and radio. This reviewer must confess to not having been much of a fan of his brand of humour, generally written and performed alongside his creative partner David Mitchell. It wasn’t as if I didn’t like him it just seemed to pass me by. However, even without the influence of his previous celebrity, his writing hooked me from the first page.
If I get this right, Tess Rampling will definitely want to have sex with me.
Ok interested. I logged on and found ‘Peep Show’. Ah I get it…………..
The book reads like Webb conveys his humour, through downplayed sarcasm and absurdity generally taken to its own unlikely conclusion. The comedic style assists in avoiding excessive weightiness of subjects such as struggles with depression, sexuality and the death of his beloved mother when he was seventeen. Webb succeeds in talking to his audience as opposed to down at us. The result is that in the reading this feels more like a discussion with a contemporary and, as such, the insights garnered from his experiences will resonate strongly with a youthful audience.
The book does not shy away from serious issues. The main premise is centred around Webb’s development from childhood to manhood and the realisation that the programming given to him by society was, not only all wrong, but indeed harmful. The book is split into two acts, the first regarding what is taught to ‘Boys’ and the second reflecting upon what ‘Men’ are supposed to be. Each are divided into chapters which have titles that are purposefully to be considered apocryphal, and relate to the issue Webb wishes to disassemble, such as Boys Don’t Fall in Love (with other boys) and Men Are Good at Directions. As Webb would perhaps say, I think you see where we are heading dear reader…….
The chief desire seems to be to start a conversation regarding the issue of masculinity and, in particular, the tide of misguided gender related topics that our society sees, incorrectly, as normal and that cause all these issues in the first place! This is referred to in the book as The Trick and further related to the subject of gender by the assertion that Feminism is not about men versus woman; It’s about men and women versus The Trick.
Wow, right, didn’t expect that from one half of a famous comedy duo, did you?
And that is the strength of this book. It is far more than the sum of any expectations that could reasonably be placed upon it. The book actually suffers from the previous celebratory of the author. It deserves to be taken seriously if only for the care it takes in dealing with these most divisive and sensitive of subjects.
In summary How Not To Be A Boy is wonderfully jaunty but retains enough critical bite and discernment to succeed in putting across the core argument. Whilst doing so the book also, importantly, avoids the pompous and remains engaging, successfully entertaining and thoughtfully rewarding.
More to you there is young Master Webbington.
Bloody hell you might initially think, but you would be wrong to do so. Let’s give him a chance……..
Initially made famous through comedic work upon stage, screen and radio. This reviewer must confess to not having been much of a fan of his brand of humour, generally written and performed alongside his creative partner David Mitchell. It wasn’t as if I didn’t like him it just seemed to pass me by. However, even without the influence of his previous celebrity, his writing hooked me from the first page.
If I get this right, Tess Rampling will definitely want to have sex with me.
Ok interested. I logged on and found ‘Peep Show’. Ah I get it…………..
The book reads like Webb conveys his humour, through downplayed sarcasm and absurdity generally taken to its own unlikely conclusion. The comedic style assists in avoiding excessive weightiness of subjects such as struggles with depression, sexuality and the death of his beloved mother when he was seventeen. Webb succeeds in talking to his audience as opposed to down at us. The result is that in the reading this feels more like a discussion with a contemporary and, as such, the insights garnered from his experiences will resonate strongly with a youthful audience.
The book does not shy away from serious issues. The main premise is centred around Webb’s development from childhood to manhood and the realisation that the programming given to him by society was, not only all wrong, but indeed harmful. The book is split into two acts, the first regarding what is taught to ‘Boys’ and the second reflecting upon what ‘Men’ are supposed to be. Each are divided into chapters which have titles that are purposefully to be considered apocryphal, and relate to the issue Webb wishes to disassemble, such as Boys Don’t Fall in Love (with other boys) and Men Are Good at Directions. As Webb would perhaps say, I think you see where we are heading dear reader…….
The chief desire seems to be to start a conversation regarding the issue of masculinity and, in particular, the tide of misguided gender related topics that our society sees, incorrectly, as normal and that cause all these issues in the first place! This is referred to in the book as The Trick and further related to the subject of gender by the assertion that Feminism is not about men versus woman; It’s about men and women versus The Trick.
Wow, right, didn’t expect that from one half of a famous comedy duo, did you?
And that is the strength of this book. It is far more than the sum of any expectations that could reasonably be placed upon it. The book actually suffers from the previous celebratory of the author. It deserves to be taken seriously if only for the care it takes in dealing with these most divisive and sensitive of subjects.
In summary How Not To Be A Boy is wonderfully jaunty but retains enough critical bite and discernment to succeed in putting across the core argument. Whilst doing so the book also, importantly, avoids the pompous and remains engaging, successfully entertaining and thoughtfully rewarding.
More to you there is young Master Webbington.
November 10, 2017
4.5 stars. Review to follow.
December 1, 2018
I'd never heard of Robert Webb before I saw Cecily’s review of this book. She made me curious enough that I immediately put a hold on this, despite having a teetering TBR pile.
This is a memoir, framed through the lens of gender, as Webb grows up in a very masculine family without ever feeling that he's succeeding at masculinity in any way. This discomfort and outsider status gives him the perspective to see how "masculinity" is as much a set of cultural demands on boys and men as it is anything inherently innate, much as "femininity" is also a cultural definition as much as it is any actual state of being, and how all this insistence on social gender conformity is detrimental to everyone, even as it appears to benefit men.
I found this book to be just as much of a kick in the gut as the books I've read about the problems of femininity, because I'm the only girl from a very boy family (two brothers, plus there were always extra boys hanging around the house all the time), and I got an equal dose of crappy masculinity pressure and crappy femininity pressure. "Don't be weak! Don't be vulnerable! Tough it out! Never admit you need help! Never let anything affect you emotionally, because emotions are for losers. Except anger! Boys can be angry. But wait a minute, you're a girl. So anger's not for you, either!" (It's really no surprise I eventually needed therapy to re-wire my mental/emotional soundtrack.) I always laugh when people refer to that tired stereotype about how men will never ask for directions, but women always will. I've asked for directions maybe twice in my entire life, and then only after I'd already wasted a huge amount of time refusing to admit I was lost (thank goodness for smart phones these years). I've always used sports and working out as much as an emotional outlet as for fitness (which apparently makes me more manly than Robert Webb ... ;-). (And I guess working out beats starving oneself or cutting oneself, which seems to be the more typical girl way to try to express unexpressable/forbidden emotions.) So I really empathized with Webb's unhappiness with being forced into what can often feel like a straitjacket of limited emotional expression and experience.
I deeply appreciated how honest Webb is about himself -- his strengths, his weaknesses, and the way he turned into a completely stereotypical ass of a husband once he got married, even though he'd sworn to himself and genuinely believed that he was far too enlightened and aware for that ever to happen to him or his marriage. Some of the book has a tinge of navel-gazing wanking, but the whole was very much a worthwhile read.
Definitely recommended if you have any interest in gender issues, and especially if you think male constraints aren't getting talked about enough.
This is a memoir, framed through the lens of gender, as Webb grows up in a very masculine family without ever feeling that he's succeeding at masculinity in any way. This discomfort and outsider status gives him the perspective to see how "masculinity" is as much a set of cultural demands on boys and men as it is anything inherently innate, much as "femininity" is also a cultural definition as much as it is any actual state of being, and how all this insistence on social gender conformity is detrimental to everyone, even as it appears to benefit men.
I found this book to be just as much of a kick in the gut as the books I've read about the problems of femininity, because I'm the only girl from a very boy family (two brothers, plus there were always extra boys hanging around the house all the time), and I got an equal dose of crappy masculinity pressure and crappy femininity pressure. "Don't be weak! Don't be vulnerable! Tough it out! Never admit you need help! Never let anything affect you emotionally, because emotions are for losers. Except anger! Boys can be angry. But wait a minute, you're a girl. So anger's not for you, either!" (It's really no surprise I eventually needed therapy to re-wire my mental/emotional soundtrack.) I always laugh when people refer to that tired stereotype about how men will never ask for directions, but women always will. I've asked for directions maybe twice in my entire life, and then only after I'd already wasted a huge amount of time refusing to admit I was lost (thank goodness for smart phones these years). I've always used sports and working out as much as an emotional outlet as for fitness (which apparently makes me more manly than Robert Webb ... ;-). (And I guess working out beats starving oneself or cutting oneself, which seems to be the more typical girl way to try to express unexpressable/forbidden emotions.) So I really empathized with Webb's unhappiness with being forced into what can often feel like a straitjacket of limited emotional expression and experience.
I deeply appreciated how honest Webb is about himself -- his strengths, his weaknesses, and the way he turned into a completely stereotypical ass of a husband once he got married, even though he'd sworn to himself and genuinely believed that he was far too enlightened and aware for that ever to happen to him or his marriage. Some of the book has a tinge of navel-gazing wanking, but the whole was very much a worthwhile read.
Definitely recommended if you have any interest in gender issues, and especially if you think male constraints aren't getting talked about enough.
January 13, 2019
I've had a copy of How Not To Be a Boy by Robert Webb since Xmas 2017. It's wonderful. I wish I'd read it sooner. It's also much better than I was expecting. Far more than just a regular celebrity memoir.
Robert Webb relates a potted history of his life, which is already interesting and eventful, and then elevates this with an insightful discussion on masculinity and traditional gender stereotypes. If that sounds a bit worthy and po-faced then let me reassure you that nothing could be further from the reality. He is a comic writer after all. He's also very honest, has made many mistakes, and has had to contend with many a sling and arrow of outrageous fortune.
How Not To Be a Boy is never pompous or preachy and, ultimately, is thoughtfully rewarding and very enjoyable. I hope to convince my teenage children to read it. I think they'll get a lot from it, as would virtually anyone.
4/5
Robert Webb relates a potted history of his life, which is already interesting and eventful, and then elevates this with an insightful discussion on masculinity and traditional gender stereotypes. If that sounds a bit worthy and po-faced then let me reassure you that nothing could be further from the reality. He is a comic writer after all. He's also very honest, has made many mistakes, and has had to contend with many a sling and arrow of outrageous fortune.
How Not To Be a Boy is never pompous or preachy and, ultimately, is thoughtfully rewarding and very enjoyable. I hope to convince my teenage children to read it. I think they'll get a lot from it, as would virtually anyone.
4/5
October 19, 2018
I loved this! I have never wanted to reread a memoir but I will definitely be rereading this.
I listened to the audiobook narrated by Robert Webb himself (best way to experience a memoir). His narration is wonderful and the audiobook features a very entertaining and interesting interview at the end about some topics raised in the book.
It leaves you with so much to think about concerning gender and stereotyping while still being very entertaining.
“The great thing about refusing to feel feelings is that, once you’ve denied them, you don’t have to take responsibility for them. Your feelings will be someone else’s problem – your mother’s problem, your girlfriend’s problem, your wife’s problem. If it has to come out at all, let it come out as anger. You’re allowed to be angry. It’s boyish and man-like to be angry.”
― Robert Webb, How Not To Be a Boy
Read more reviews and other bookish content on my blog https://elainehowlin.com
December 6, 2017
I've long been a fan of Robert Webb's work, so I was keen to read this when it popped up on my radar. I love Peep Show and the sketch shows he's done with David Mitchell.
This is a memoir with an interesting slant to it - Webb looks at his life through the lens of masculinity, and how it has affected things. The book is an interesting and funny description of his life, although it's moving at times too - especially when he talks about losing his mum to cancer when he was a teenager. He then goes on to describe how he got into university, met David Mitchell and launched his career, describing his relationships and some of the dramas and incidents along the way.
All through the book, he looks at the way society regards men and women, how they relate to each other and the expectations and burdens there are in relationships between men and women. His dad was aggressive and unfaithful which shaped a lot of his early experience. In his determination not to be like him, Webb experienced a lot of difficulties of his own that took a long time to resolve.
I've had a lot of the same experiences and struggles as I've tried to come to terms with what "being a man" means, so I found this book very interesting indeed. Ultimately he concludes that patriarchy has failed men just as much as it has failed women, leading far too many men angry and depressed, and that feminism has just as much to offer men as it does women. He states that ultimately we're just people, and it's time we challenged a lot of the cultural baggage around gender roles.
It's taken me a lot of time and effort to work this stuff out, and it's only now I'm in my forties that I think I might finally be able to feel comfortable with a lot of what I am. This book is one of those that doesn't necessarily teach you anything new, but it really helps you process and understand your own thoughts and ideas, and there's a lot in here that really is worth thinking about.
Both a fascinating biography, and an encouragement to be a decent, thinking person. A wonderful read.
This is a memoir with an interesting slant to it - Webb looks at his life through the lens of masculinity, and how it has affected things. The book is an interesting and funny description of his life, although it's moving at times too - especially when he talks about losing his mum to cancer when he was a teenager. He then goes on to describe how he got into university, met David Mitchell and launched his career, describing his relationships and some of the dramas and incidents along the way.
All through the book, he looks at the way society regards men and women, how they relate to each other and the expectations and burdens there are in relationships between men and women. His dad was aggressive and unfaithful which shaped a lot of his early experience. In his determination not to be like him, Webb experienced a lot of difficulties of his own that took a long time to resolve.
I've had a lot of the same experiences and struggles as I've tried to come to terms with what "being a man" means, so I found this book very interesting indeed. Ultimately he concludes that patriarchy has failed men just as much as it has failed women, leading far too many men angry and depressed, and that feminism has just as much to offer men as it does women. He states that ultimately we're just people, and it's time we challenged a lot of the cultural baggage around gender roles.
It's taken me a lot of time and effort to work this stuff out, and it's only now I'm in my forties that I think I might finally be able to feel comfortable with a lot of what I am. This book is one of those that doesn't necessarily teach you anything new, but it really helps you process and understand your own thoughts and ideas, and there's a lot in here that really is worth thinking about.
Both a fascinating biography, and an encouragement to be a decent, thinking person. A wonderful read.
August 7, 2017
A brutally honest memoir/exploration of society's damaging gender expectations. Not the most comfortable read, but told with humour (well of course!) & searing self criticism. Good to hear another voice in this ever more relevant discussion!
October 19, 2017
Ok, I think the 3 stars is mainly my fault. For some reason I was under the impression this book was going to be about passionate speeches on the stigmas surrounding masculinity and the importance of gender equality. Including different examples throughout his life with explanations and facts and stories from other men. I think what mislead me were the chapter titles and the back cover topic, "rules for being a man". The chapter titles and the context within that chapter had little to do with each other! Instead, it was a memoir of his entire life and the openness about his struggles through it, with the occasional paragraph per chapter talking about the different stigma's etc..
As long as you don't make the same mistake I did, I think this book would be a deservingly 4 or 5 stars. Robert Webb's story telling is beautiful, and the rawness and openness of his vulnerability is truly touching.
I would still recommend people to read this book, and I hope it can help men to become more open about their emotions and help promote gender equality. It certainly made me think about the pressures men have to face day to day and I hope this book is the start to erraticating these stigmas.
As long as you don't make the same mistake I did, I think this book would be a deservingly 4 or 5 stars. Robert Webb's story telling is beautiful, and the rawness and openness of his vulnerability is truly touching.
I would still recommend people to read this book, and I hope it can help men to become more open about their emotions and help promote gender equality. It certainly made me think about the pressures men have to face day to day and I hope this book is the start to erraticating these stigmas.
July 25, 2018
I've got to say, when I first began reading this biography I thought I was not going to like it, after all, it's my husband who is a fan of his show, PEEP SHOW, and certainly the first quarter did not win me over. However as Robert Webb's life story developed I felt completely drawn in, fascinated and compelled to keep reading.
I think the winning factor was, I felt him develop as a person. I got used to the hopping around his life timeline, and actually didn't mind it doing that, it probably helped the pace of the story. I think I gained an element of understanding and empathy for Robert Webb and appreciated how his relationship with his dad became clear. In the end it kind of felt like a coming of age story with poignancy, humour and healing.
I think the winning factor was, I felt him develop as a person. I got used to the hopping around his life timeline, and actually didn't mind it doing that, it probably helped the pace of the story. I think I gained an element of understanding and empathy for Robert Webb and appreciated how his relationship with his dad became clear. In the end it kind of felt like a coming of age story with poignancy, humour and healing.
September 8, 2017
As someone who is generally quite sceptical about celebrity books, I did feel that 'How not to be a boy' offers something a bit different from the norm. Webb strikes me as quite a likeable and honest man, unafraid to speak candidly about his, often troubled, upbringing.
I enjoyed the chapters when talked about his own anecdotal experiences about feminism and the way that gender does and does not define our lives. My only problem with the book is that it doesn't seem to decide whether it wants to be a memoir or a book about feminism/masculinity, it didn't work for me as both. I would have liked more of either but feel like a stronger direction would of made this a classic.
I enjoyed the chapters when talked about his own anecdotal experiences about feminism and the way that gender does and does not define our lives. My only problem with the book is that it doesn't seem to decide whether it wants to be a memoir or a book about feminism/masculinity, it didn't work for me as both. I would have liked more of either but feel like a stronger direction would of made this a classic.
November 10, 2017
A really enjoyable memoir, with great discussions on gender. Both very funny and very sad and a thoroughly enjoyable read.
July 15, 2018
Absolutely brilliant read. As someone who even now, regularly, gets asked by colleagues and peers “how are you not gay?” (I’m nearly 26 and have been a full time teacher for 3 years), this was a perfectly pitched exploration of the inanities that make up the social construct of gender.
Of course Robert Webb speaks about the terrible fact that men are more likely to take their own lives, and that this is likely due to the fact that they are encouraged not to talk about feelings or act in a way that isn’t “manly”, and of course it made me reflect on my own inabilities to process emotion properly and so on, but this book was more than that. Webb also brilliantly reflects on his own life and his own reactions to life events. He speaks about his abusive father and the relationship he managed to form with him, a particularly emotional account of the death of his Mum and the difficulties he had being a teenager and falling in and out of love countless times with boys and girls alike.
I love the books that have come out recently that focus on womanhood and the damaging side of gender for women, with authors such as Caitlin Moran, however Webb’s book seems a little rarer. And as a man myself, and one who, like Webb, grew up in sunny Lincolnshire, where the landscape is flat and the attitudes are 50 years behind, this struck a particular chord.
I was a big fan and I’ll certainly be recommending this book for a while to come, especially to those boys in my classes who seem to be struggling to fit in with certain ideals of what consists of “being a man”.
Of course Robert Webb speaks about the terrible fact that men are more likely to take their own lives, and that this is likely due to the fact that they are encouraged not to talk about feelings or act in a way that isn’t “manly”, and of course it made me reflect on my own inabilities to process emotion properly and so on, but this book was more than that. Webb also brilliantly reflects on his own life and his own reactions to life events. He speaks about his abusive father and the relationship he managed to form with him, a particularly emotional account of the death of his Mum and the difficulties he had being a teenager and falling in and out of love countless times with boys and girls alike.
I love the books that have come out recently that focus on womanhood and the damaging side of gender for women, with authors such as Caitlin Moran, however Webb’s book seems a little rarer. And as a man myself, and one who, like Webb, grew up in sunny Lincolnshire, where the landscape is flat and the attitudes are 50 years behind, this struck a particular chord.
I was a big fan and I’ll certainly be recommending this book for a while to come, especially to those boys in my classes who seem to be struggling to fit in with certain ideals of what consists of “being a man”.
April 10, 2020
This book came to me recommended by a feminist activist, and it was good but not in the format I had in mind. There were some very funny insightful commentary, but I believe the first person narrative is what makes it relatable especially to the group of men who are ready to reject anything about gender equality that comes out of a “woman”‘s mouth.
We have to remember who the real enemy is: the patriarchy
We have to remember who the real enemy is: the patriarchy
March 15, 2019
This book is so much more than a biography about Roberts life. The author touched upon social, gender to political issues subtly throughout the book. By combining it with humour and his own experiences, executed the main message clearly. The author encourages readers in embracing personal views, even if it's titled as unpopular.
Robert has joined the army of advocates in supporting the roles of men and women, equally within society. From expressing his distress as a man, suggesting gender reversal roles to presenting the views of his wife and an individual from the LGBTQ+ community (audio book) he certainly did raise my eyebrows.
He has written about socio-economic statuses and its power attached to it. By sharing his experiences at Cambridge University and within industry. He has expressed that personal circumstances can make you feel alienated but not entitled to no success or unhappiness. Moreover, an opportunity to work hard and create a unique path for yourself.
Lastly, Robert opens up about his mental health struggles. Especially its wider consequences beyond his own well-being. He joins the current movement in emphasising the importance of mental health just as physical health.
At the end of the day this book is a celebrity-based biography. The relevant issues that it highlights makes it novel. I personally felt that the author lacked in expressing his current position within industry and if he utilises his platform to confront the mentioned social issues. A project for the future?
On a personal note, the book has made me ponder about the norms we decide to follow.
Robert has joined the army of advocates in supporting the roles of men and women, equally within society. From expressing his distress as a man, suggesting gender reversal roles to presenting the views of his wife and an individual from the LGBTQ+ community (audio book) he certainly did raise my eyebrows.
He has written about socio-economic statuses and its power attached to it. By sharing his experiences at Cambridge University and within industry. He has expressed that personal circumstances can make you feel alienated but not entitled to no success or unhappiness. Moreover, an opportunity to work hard and create a unique path for yourself.
Lastly, Robert opens up about his mental health struggles. Especially its wider consequences beyond his own well-being. He joins the current movement in emphasising the importance of mental health just as physical health.
At the end of the day this book is a celebrity-based biography. The relevant issues that it highlights makes it novel. I personally felt that the author lacked in expressing his current position within industry and if he utilises his platform to confront the mentioned social issues. A project for the future?
On a personal note, the book has made me ponder about the norms we decide to follow.
May 23, 2018
DNF @ 40% because however much I might have to read this for class, I have standards and the discussions already passed and I just don't care anymore. Literally, that was my only mood while reading this book: i do not care.
Call me a radical femi-nazi or an emotionally privileged human, but I honestly do not care about oh the struggles of men being emotional, and not told by Webb. I hated the writing style, it's so obvious he's a comedian, and it didn't really help his "cause". I understand where he is coming from and what he tried doing here, but I don't think he succeeded.
Not when our male professor talked with so much reverence about this book as the first people where toxic masculinity was criticized like women don't try doing the same with feminism for the last decades. Not when the same professor told females how easy it is for them to talk about feelings, because they have each other, like we are the ones stopping the men from nurturing healthy relationships with one another. Like if women weren't alive, only then would men get their freedom. Truly, my disgust for this book comes now from very biased and horrible class discussions, but i don't give a fuuuuuuuck.
Honestly, cry me a river.
Call me a radical femi-nazi or an emotionally privileged human, but I honestly do not care about oh the struggles of men being emotional, and not told by Webb. I hated the writing style, it's so obvious he's a comedian, and it didn't really help his "cause". I understand where he is coming from and what he tried doing here, but I don't think he succeeded.
Not when our male professor talked with so much reverence about this book as the first people where toxic masculinity was criticized like women don't try doing the same with feminism for the last decades. Not when the same professor told females how easy it is for them to talk about feelings, because they have each other, like we are the ones stopping the men from nurturing healthy relationships with one another. Like if women weren't alive, only then would men get their freedom. Truly, my disgust for this book comes now from very biased and horrible class discussions, but i don't give a fuuuuuuuck.
Honestly, cry me a river.
April 11, 2018
Disappointed. Here I was all set to go and see the author at the Auckland Writers and Readers Festival and now I might replace him with others.
To me this felt whiney, disgruntled and what mostly irritated me was that is it being touted as a way to be a different kind of man. I don't know that this is the kind of man we want new men to be.
So, read it as a memoir of a famous person, don't read it for enlightenment.
To me this felt whiney, disgruntled and what mostly irritated me was that is it being touted as a way to be a different kind of man. I don't know that this is the kind of man we want new men to be.
So, read it as a memoir of a famous person, don't read it for enlightenment.
June 10, 2018
Hmmm. Things I liked about this:
- he's (practically) northern! & working class! I had no idea! *immediately goes up in my estimation*
- I agree with what he's saying about gender and masculinity. I think he just needs to focus on this
Things I didn't like:
- why the fuck did he tone down his accent before going to Cambridge? Well, OBVS I know why, but *sighs*
- him, mainly. I thought most of this book was a self-indulgent ego-trip written by a cock of a man. Yeah - I get it was a memoir, but much of it was like listening to someone talking about their dreams and how special they are, etc. His proclamation at the end of the book that he'd "changed" from being an abusive, selfish, absent father and husband instantly made me suspicious. It's like "it's been two years since I stopped being a complete arsehole and now I've changed and I'm qualified to school the world on my newfound wisdom". I hope things *have* changed for he and his family's sake, but it's still pretty early days, I reckon.
- Page 73. When he's talking about the way we stereotype boys and girls and how "mental" it would be if we replaced the word "boy" with "black" [i.e. black person]. Tone deaf AF. What happens if you're a black boy, Webb?
- he's (practically) northern! & working class! I had no idea! *immediately goes up in my estimation*
- I agree with what he's saying about gender and masculinity. I think he just needs to focus on this
Things I didn't like:
- why the fuck did he tone down his accent before going to Cambridge? Well, OBVS I know why, but *sighs*
- him, mainly. I thought most of this book was a self-indulgent ego-trip written by a cock of a man. Yeah - I get it was a memoir, but much of it was like listening to someone talking about their dreams and how special they are, etc. His proclamation at the end of the book that he'd "changed" from being an abusive, selfish, absent father and husband instantly made me suspicious. It's like "it's been two years since I stopped being a complete arsehole and now I've changed and I'm qualified to school the world on my newfound wisdom". I hope things *have* changed for he and his family's sake, but it's still pretty early days, I reckon.
- Page 73. When he's talking about the way we stereotype boys and girls and how "mental" it would be if we replaced the word "boy" with "black" [i.e. black person]. Tone deaf AF. What happens if you're a black boy, Webb?
October 25, 2020
Being a big fan of Peep Show and the Mitchell and Webb sketches, I was curious to get a glimpse of the author’s writing abilities and techniques. I didn’t expect to get a welcome, heartfelt, blunt but extremely truthful view of gendered society in the mix, too. Webb is a great storyteller who navigates the bittersweet, at times hilarious and often devastating childhood and teenage years as-it-is; he refers to the reader in a Jane Austen nod whilst consistently taking the piss out of himself; and in the midst of all this, as the title hints, he discusses how not to be a man (in the way society imposes it). I was very pleasantly surprised throughout.
June 30, 2019
I wish I could have read this book 7 years ago when I was still stuck in the traps of thinking I’d never be able to talk about my feelings because I was a “man”.
I related SO much to robert’s account of growing up: feeling Iike he didn’t fit in as a boy, experiencing trauma and then going inward because he didn’t have a safe space to process his emotions and becoming an insufferable dickhead who drank too much and wasn’t emotionally available as a result.
I adore his comedy and it was exciting to realize that this funny person I’ve watched for so many years ALSO likes men and womyn and felt confused about it all. When he described his crush on his childhood guy-friend I was like “YUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP, preach!” So rarely have I ever heard a man who’s married to a womyn talk about his attraction to men. [I realize that mostly, I like books when I can relate to them—haha🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🙆🏻♀️].
It does come off a LITTLE bit “mansplain-y”, but I judge that that’s because he’s explaining why feminism isn’t to be feared to a mostly male audience...
I want to recommend this to every male friend I have who is stuck in his maleness (aka “inability to talk about and process emotions and have closeness with people because of it”) but I fear they’d all think I’m gay 😛🤙🏻 (that was a joke...which I think is actually masking my want to connect with so many male friends from my past but feeling scared of rejection because they’re unable to be vulnerable emotionally.)
I related SO much to robert’s account of growing up: feeling Iike he didn’t fit in as a boy, experiencing trauma and then going inward because he didn’t have a safe space to process his emotions and becoming an insufferable dickhead who drank too much and wasn’t emotionally available as a result.
I adore his comedy and it was exciting to realize that this funny person I’ve watched for so many years ALSO likes men and womyn and felt confused about it all. When he described his crush on his childhood guy-friend I was like “YUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP, preach!” So rarely have I ever heard a man who’s married to a womyn talk about his attraction to men. [I realize that mostly, I like books when I can relate to them—haha🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🙆🏻♀️].
It does come off a LITTLE bit “mansplain-y”, but I judge that that’s because he’s explaining why feminism isn’t to be feared to a mostly male audience...
I want to recommend this to every male friend I have who is stuck in his maleness (aka “inability to talk about and process emotions and have closeness with people because of it”) but I fear they’d all think I’m gay 😛🤙🏻 (that was a joke...which I think is actually masking my want to connect with so many male friends from my past but feeling scared of rejection because they’re unable to be vulnerable emotionally.)
October 6, 2017
Having heard amusing extracts on Radio 4 I was keen to read this book but I found it disappointing. Webb's mission is to make the reader understand the insidious pressure on boys and men to conform to stereotypes which damage their relationships with each other and with women - a worthy intention - and he illustrates his argument by analysing his own life. While this makes the book different from standard autobiographies, it ends up as a somewhat self-indulgent rant.
His account of his mother's early death and the effect on the family is touching and his relationship with his father is very well drawn but the extracts from his teenage diaries are painful and the tales of winning and losing girlfriends became very boring, as did his lack of academic application at school and university. In places the effort to be funny is very forced and not entertaining and, although he's clearly good at producing comedy sketches, Webb is not a good writer.
His account of his mother's early death and the effect on the family is touching and his relationship with his father is very well drawn but the extracts from his teenage diaries are painful and the tales of winning and losing girlfriends became very boring, as did his lack of academic application at school and university. In places the effort to be funny is very forced and not entertaining and, although he's clearly good at producing comedy sketches, Webb is not a good writer.
March 24, 2018
A brilliant book with very comical moments peppered into it (what do you expect from Robert Webb!?).
This was a refreshing take on understanding Britain's societal structure of "masculinity" and one mans experiences of navigating it.
This book features experiences from Robert Webb's childhood and adulthood. It discusses feelings, emotions and reactions to events in life- not just anger that is stereotypical to the perception of males. This book tackles the perception of masculinity and shows the vulnerable moments that people are exposed to. Contradictory to the titles of chapters featured in the book (e.g. Boys don't cry), the chapters explore a plethora of emotions (examples include crying and trying to seek comfort from other male friends (through hand-holding)).
Overall this presents a good case to over haul and redefine the terms and views of masculinity in today's society.
This was a refreshing take on understanding Britain's societal structure of "masculinity" and one mans experiences of navigating it.
This book features experiences from Robert Webb's childhood and adulthood. It discusses feelings, emotions and reactions to events in life- not just anger that is stereotypical to the perception of males. This book tackles the perception of masculinity and shows the vulnerable moments that people are exposed to. Contradictory to the titles of chapters featured in the book (e.g. Boys don't cry), the chapters explore a plethora of emotions (examples include crying and trying to seek comfort from other male friends (through hand-holding)).
Overall this presents a good case to over haul and redefine the terms and views of masculinity in today's society.
April 16, 2020
This was a remarkably powerful book which gave me cause to reflect upon the impact of the parenting which we give to our children and particularly the father/son relationship. The opening prologue is brutally honest as the author is confronted by his wife about his failure as a parent and husband and, as a father and husband myself, I found this very sad and it led to a level of reflection on my own shortcomings. No one trains you to these roles which are more important than any job or career and as Robert Webb heartbreakingly expresses the quality of a child's experiences shape their ability to cope in the adult world .
Webb moves from the prologue to tell the story of his childhood living with a violently masculine father and parental loss which inevitably shapes his adolescence and expectations of what is to be a boy/man as he moves on to Cambridge University and flexes his emotional wings. Webb is a personality whose on screen persona I have enjoyed repeatedly but this book initially had me not liking the younger man , understanding why I would have found him annoying, empathising with the boy he was and wanting to give him a hug, but ultimately enjoying his honesty , liking the adult he has become and thanking him for a book that gave me the opportunity to reflect . Like the Grayson Perry book which I read last year I think those men brave enough to stick their head over the parapet and say that masculinity can be corrosive deserve much praise and hopefully will lead to a generation of men who are better fathers and husbands/partners than the generation before.
Webb moves from the prologue to tell the story of his childhood living with a violently masculine father and parental loss which inevitably shapes his adolescence and expectations of what is to be a boy/man as he moves on to Cambridge University and flexes his emotional wings. Webb is a personality whose on screen persona I have enjoyed repeatedly but this book initially had me not liking the younger man , understanding why I would have found him annoying, empathising with the boy he was and wanting to give him a hug, but ultimately enjoying his honesty , liking the adult he has become and thanking him for a book that gave me the opportunity to reflect . Like the Grayson Perry book which I read last year I think those men brave enough to stick their head over the parapet and say that masculinity can be corrosive deserve much praise and hopefully will lead to a generation of men who are better fathers and husbands/partners than the generation before.
July 28, 2018
As a big fan of the Peep show (though if i'm honest, I have always much preferred David Mitchell out of the two) I thought this sounded like an interesting book, not so much because I wanted to read Webb's life story but because of the supposed angle he was taking in analysing expectations based on gender while growing up.
As it turned out, I shouldn't have bothered. It started out well enough (already in my head it was getting 4 stars) before it started becoming more and more obvious what a huge twat Webb has been for virtually all his life. The fact that now he believes he has found long-term happiness because he has discovered 'The Trick' and therefore can preach to everyone else about it says it all. Shame that out of his 45 years he has only managed to master 'The Trick' and be a decent human being (and we only have his word for that) for a few of them.
I soon got fed up with all the excuses which is so typical of so many people. Oh yes, he treated his first girlfriend (and pretty much all the subsequent ones) like absolute crap - of course that was because his mum died when he was still young. Well, here's news for you Robert, i'm fairly sure you would have treated them all like crap even if your mum hadn't sadly passed away. You would just have blamed something else. Everything is always someone else's fault isn't it. Treating everyone terribly again - well, my father was semi-abusive so you will have to make allowances for me...., being a lazy SOB who refuses to buckle down and study at school or university, yep, it's not because he's lazy, it's because of the 'traumatic' childhood.... Yawn.
It's not all bad; it was amusing in parts, but the book wasn't really about what I thought it was going to be (the chapter headings have a tenuous grip on the content throughout), and even as a biography, many parts were skimmed over, such as the years between university and actually making it. Its just a shame that I started the book liking Robert Webb, and ended it not caring for him or his sanctimonious attitude one little bit.
On a final note: Apologizing to his daughters in the Acknowledgements for missing out on "All the fun that we missed while daddy was looking cross because he had a [book] deadline", (when i'm sure that financially he doesn't need the money that badly), perhaps tells us that Mr. Webb is as self-indulgent as ever.
As it turned out, I shouldn't have bothered. It started out well enough (already in my head it was getting 4 stars) before it started becoming more and more obvious what a huge twat Webb has been for virtually all his life. The fact that now he believes he has found long-term happiness because he has discovered 'The Trick' and therefore can preach to everyone else about it says it all. Shame that out of his 45 years he has only managed to master 'The Trick' and be a decent human being (and we only have his word for that) for a few of them.
I soon got fed up with all the excuses which is so typical of so many people. Oh yes, he treated his first girlfriend (and pretty much all the subsequent ones) like absolute crap - of course that was because his mum died when he was still young. Well, here's news for you Robert, i'm fairly sure you would have treated them all like crap even if your mum hadn't sadly passed away. You would just have blamed something else. Everything is always someone else's fault isn't it. Treating everyone terribly again - well, my father was semi-abusive so you will have to make allowances for me...., being a lazy SOB who refuses to buckle down and study at school or university, yep, it's not because he's lazy, it's because of the 'traumatic' childhood.... Yawn.
It's not all bad; it was amusing in parts, but the book wasn't really about what I thought it was going to be (the chapter headings have a tenuous grip on the content throughout), and even as a biography, many parts were skimmed over, such as the years between university and actually making it. Its just a shame that I started the book liking Robert Webb, and ended it not caring for him or his sanctimonious attitude one little bit.
On a final note: Apologizing to his daughters in the Acknowledgements for missing out on "All the fun that we missed while daddy was looking cross because he had a [book] deadline", (when i'm sure that financially he doesn't need the money that badly), perhaps tells us that Mr. Webb is as self-indulgent as ever.
September 10, 2017
We took a road trip in late August/early Sept and decided to listen to a few audiobooks (knowing full well we'd be too knackered at the end of the day to do any reading). My husband had this on the list and I thought, great! Robert Webb is hilarious, this will be such a laugh.
It is not a laugh. Well, it is, you'll laugh along with him, but you'll also feel his pain and awkwardness. Someone else has said it I'm sure, but he bears his soul for this book. He describes his broken childhood and dysfunctional relationship with his father, and the stress of trying to fit into a masculine setting that was alien to him from the start. He then uses his experience as a springboard to start a discourse on how men and boys are also victims of patriarchy, and how we can all benefit from smashing outdated gender norms that hurt society - men have to be tough, they can't show their feelings or deal with emotion, etc. etc. It's something that I think is missing in feminist discourse (indeed, the lack of this discussion on the masculinity trap often leaves men out of the discussion and creates a 'them v. us' mentality, which isn't helpful).
It not only has you laughing and empathising, but also thinking about the bigger picture.
And despite the fact that the audiobook is missing the book cover, I wanted to be sure to review the audiobook, because Webb's performance of it makes it so much more raw, so much more real. Also, there's some great extras in the audible audio that I am not sure you get with the book - I don't want to spoil the surprise, but it's really worth it!
It is not a laugh. Well, it is, you'll laugh along with him, but you'll also feel his pain and awkwardness. Someone else has said it I'm sure, but he bears his soul for this book. He describes his broken childhood and dysfunctional relationship with his father, and the stress of trying to fit into a masculine setting that was alien to him from the start. He then uses his experience as a springboard to start a discourse on how men and boys are also victims of patriarchy, and how we can all benefit from smashing outdated gender norms that hurt society - men have to be tough, they can't show their feelings or deal with emotion, etc. etc. It's something that I think is missing in feminist discourse (indeed, the lack of this discussion on the masculinity trap often leaves men out of the discussion and creates a 'them v. us' mentality, which isn't helpful).
It not only has you laughing and empathising, but also thinking about the bigger picture.
And despite the fact that the audiobook is missing the book cover, I wanted to be sure to review the audiobook, because Webb's performance of it makes it so much more raw, so much more real. Also, there's some great extras in the audible audio that I am not sure you get with the book - I don't want to spoil the surprise, but it's really worth it!
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