Nails

by M.P. Johnson

A sad comedy about the lonely, messy business that happens on the way to understanding and accepting one's true gender.

80 pages, Paperback

First published September 18, 2017

Reviews

[Janie · Rating 5 out of 5]

M.P. Johnson's account of self-acceptance and expression of identity is an unvarnished, intimate narrative of an outsider. We are all outsiders somewhere, and it takes everything we have to be who we really are in that cold place. Acceptance may not be forthcoming, but a simple flash of affinity from a kindred spirit is worth all the discomfort the world has to give. Bravo, M.P.

[Rodney · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nails is brave, sincere and touchingly personal. Though often sorrowful and uneasy, Emma Johnson handles the messy details of outwardly becoming her true gender with perseverance and poise. The manner in which even the darkest thoughts and moments are relayed make them engaging and relatable, far from an easy feat. Long, well decorated fingernails are utilized as the gateway to a new life and acceptance. A moving book that was over too quickly.

[Danger · Rating 5 out of 5]

The autobiographical story of a trans woman trying to figure out her own identity, this story, while heartbreaking (there were several scenes that had me tearing up, and one scene that actually DID make me cry) it is also funny in, ya know, a sad kind of way. The book takes place over a weekend in LA, where the narrator (never given a name, I don’t believe, although she says it’s ‘Danielle’ once, which might’ve been a pseudonym, considering to whom in the story she had given it) has a rough go of it as she begins to really navigate the world as her true self. Fans of MP Johnson’s other work will notice the distinct lack of…mutants and tentacles and puke and monsters and all the other gross-out things that make her writing so much fun, but in a way, this is better than that, exchanging all the gore and glamour for visceral emotionality. It hit me right in chest and tore my heart out. Read the book in one sitting.

[Leo Robertson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful and harrowing account of what some people have to go through to accept themselves.

I couldn't help but think while reading this, "Jesus, if I had fantasies like this and wanted to look like that, I wouldn't have a fucking clue what's going on."

I loved the gentle curiosity of some strangers towards the narrator's look, and I could tell those moments were really meaningful to the author. I hated the antagonism she also experienced.

The author herself does seem to be several steps further in her self-discovery than this weekend accounts for, and it's further testament to this work that those further steps are excluded. Yes, it gets better—but that doesn't erase the fact that it was once the fucking pits. It could've been better.

I felt so sorry that the narrator was so ashamed of what she wanted, have never been so exposed to what it's like to be someone whose true identity doesn't match their default appearance. Imagine having to treat your true self like some contemptible mistress you only allowed yourself contact with one sleazy weekend in a motel. It's a privilege that most of us were born without this disconnect.

Some people have a tough road ahead of them, and it's up to us to believe what those around us report of themselves without judgment. This book to me is a clarion call to us to prevent books like it from ever having to be written in future.

Highly recommended.

[Autumn Christian · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nails is brave and unflinching, and makes me want to get a manicure for the first time in 3 years. Emma Johnson shows us the ugliness that life can throw back at you when you make the choice to be yourself, the utter pain and despair that results when your true self is unordinary.

My major complaint is that I wished it was longer - but that's selfishness on my part, I finished it in less than an hour.

[S.B. (Beauty in Ruins) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nails is not a happy book. It is not exactly what you would call a feel-good story. It is a sad and anxious read, a story that is full of sorrow, doubt, and pain. More importantly, it is a powerful read, one that I could not put down, even after I finished it.

Such brutal honesty does not come easy, but MP Johnson makes it seem effortless. Like a breathless confession, her story echoes across the page with the sound of acrylic nails tapping out every emotion.

I hate going out in drag when the sun is still shining, but the nail salon is only open until seven, and I need acrylic nails. Need. Need. Need.

Part fetish, part anchor, and part accessory, Nails serve as our entry into Emma's word. It is their memory from which her femininity begins, and their reality from which it continues to blossom. Here we have a woman who flies across the country and stays in a seedy motel, just so she can visit a particular salon to get her nails done - not to impress anybody, but so she can feel like herself. They are her foundation, and their extravagance is a fitting match for the strength of her personality.

I want dramatic. I want over-the-top. I want fucking nails, not nubs.

There is so much I want to say about this, so many scenes and sentiments that were hauntingly familiar, but I do not want to steal Emma's story out from under her. It is not that she has dark thoughts that matters, it how she frames them, how she shares them, and how she navigates them. Similarly, it is not the brevity of her happy moments that matters most, but the fact that she continues seeking them out, acknowledging the darkness, but never allowing it to win.

I look at her, surprised. I want to tell her what I had to do to get these nails, everything I’ve gone through for these fucking nails, and then ask her why she can’t. Instead, I smile and accept the compliment with a “thank you.”

Nails is not a story of coming out, but a prequel to that life-changing act. This is the story of Emma exploring herself, understanding herself, and beginning to accept herself . . . so that she can invite the world to do the same. The final act, with Emma's catharsis at the hands of Mistress Jillian may shock some readers, but the story's final six words bring it all home.


As reviewed by Sally at Bending the Bookshelf

[Kirk · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an introspective look at gender identity, but it is written in a manner that makes it work for any reader. Because at its core, the book is about identity crisis, something everyone goes through. Even if gender isn't the crux of your struggle with identity, you've got some part of yourself you try to keep tucked away, or that you've revealed to the wrong person, or you're trying to find the right person to reveal that part of yourself to.

And it is never as clean or neat or easy as you hope.

This book is about searching for the self via inner and outer space, searching for validation, feeling desperate for meaning. It is about bartering parts of the self we know have value to others to find the things we need that so many everyday folks already have: acceptance.

If you're one of those everyday folks, this book might make you see how much you take acceptance for granted.

The transition into the last section at the end seemed a bit abrupt and left me wondering how the protagonist got from point A to point B, but it kept me going.

This is captivating and deserves to be a part of a larger story. I closed the book feeling like this was just the beginning. I want more, and when I say the book left me wanting more, I mean that in a good way.

[Richard · Rating 5 out of 5]

A revealing, grimly funny, and, above all, heartbreaking read about the author's often-treacherous exploration of gender and sexual identity. Easily one of the best books I've read all year.

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

Pure humanity from a position in life too often marginalized. This book makes being trans very real to a world that isn’t always listening.

[Marvin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Some books you read because they give you an view to the human spirit that you may just not have had access to in any other way. Nails is that type of book. It is one of those books that, despite its sadness, actually celebrate our individuality in a world where some forms of celebrations are frowned upon. persecuted or even expressly forbidden. In Nails, our protagonist takes a weekend vacation to Los Angeles , far from anyone she knows, so she can be herself. Danielle, the pseudonym she takes for her weekend escape, is a man who only feels comfortable as a woman and dressed in women's clothes. But even then, she is aware and self-conscious how she is viewed and of the hazards that might befall her when out in public.

Danielle is obsessed with her nails. The acrylic, long, glorious, impractical kind. They become a symbol of her life and needs, a small allowance of the coming out she is not able to thoroughly do at this time. Many of her fears are real and as she chronicles her weekend she expresses and illustrate those fears. But there is always a want for acceptance and where she goes for that acceptance in the final pages may both shock and enlighten some of the readers. It becomes a moment of tearful sadness but also a small bit of hope.

Nails is presented as fiction but if it is, it is very likely autobiographical fiction, at the very least in the emotions and longings presented by the author if not the actual events. Beautiful and revealing writing like this can not stream from just the imagination. It takes a skillful acknowledged writer to present it and that is exactly what M. P. Johnson is and does. There is a scene in the middle of this too short work where she is at The House of Blues attending a show by The Damned when a young man comes up to her. It is a moment of mixed emotions for Danielle who is not sure whether the boy is simply fooled or accepting her for what she is. His advances are subtly and ultimately refused. Whatever possibilities existed disappears due to the power of that fear and doubt this book is so much about. For me, it was the most powerful moment in the book.

Books like this do not come around often. M. P. Johnson is known mostly for her bizarro fantasy novels but this is straight down to earth reality. It speaks not only of the want for other's acceptance but one's own acceptance of what they are and the reality that gender is not as necessarily defined as we think it is. Nails is way too short. M. P. Johnson clearly has much more to say and I believe she has a autobiographical novel or even a non-fiction work in her that will amaze us even more. Until then we have this brief revelation of a novella and it is one that I would deem essential reading for 2017.

[Josh Martens · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. MP really came out with her nails sharpened on this one. Nails is probably one of the best books I’ve ever read. I was aroused, wanted to cry, and I laughed out loud many times. This book is beautiful. It’s real. To say it’s amazing is an understatement.

[Bix Skahill · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book, so bare, so honest, was a tough read. I mean that in a positive way. Watching this human attempting to identify themselves sexually, alternating between celebrating and hating themselves, was gut-wrenching. A young man flees his claustrophobic Midwestern existence for a three day vacation to a "scuztel" in Hollywood. This pilgrimage is made so that he can live life as he wants to, as a woman. But our hero is continually brought back to reality by the rampant anger our society feels towards anyone who is "different." An excellent book, please read.

[Jo Quenell · Rating 5 out of 5]

M.P. Johnson's quickly become one of my favorite writers. Her horror/bizarro is often miles above others in the genre in regards to weirdness and depravity. Nails is a completely different sort of book. It's also the best thing I've read of hers. This is a deeply personal story of a transgender individual coming to terms with their identity. Heartbreaking, uncomfortable and at times funny, this book moved me more than anything else I've read this year.

Nails is phenomenal.

[Russell Holbrook · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow.
This tiny book totally lives up to all the hype I'd heard about it.
I am grateful to M.P. Johnson for being so open and honest and sharing all of this with the rest of us. This book is inspiring in it's frank, simple delivery. It's also warm and inclusive as we are gently welcomed along for the ride.
I come from a judgemental, religious family so this one hit me really hard. If you may be struggling with finding yourself or being yourself, or if you too come from a repressive religious background, I highly recommend this little tome. It will brighten your spirit, give you hope, and let you know that whatever your struggle, whatever journey you may be on, you're not alone.
Beautiful.

[J.D. Estrada · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an intense yet very compelling read where you can tag along Daniel/Danielle in an exploration of the sometimes murky roads of defining one's gender. Unique in topic and approach, Nails makes it clear that finding one's own identity dressing and acting as another gender than the one you were born and assigned at the time of birth, doesn't mean it's easy. To crossdress does not make you gay. To fantasize about certain types of men while crossdressing does not make you gay.

The times the main character is baffled, confused, and disgusted with her/himself is compelling because if you know people with complex gender identities, the tone, the phrasing, and the eternal tug of war is intensely real. I have been fortunate enough to have friends who are asexual, agender, gay, and queer tell me a bit about their stories. It's not an easy path, but it's one worth taking if only to find out who and how you are.

This is a short read but real intense, poignant, thought-provoking, and real... so if any of this spikes your curiosity, then check out it. Who knows? It just might help you understand someone better, and that's always a good thing.

[S.T. Cartledge · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nails is a work of incredible bravery and ultimate tragedy. It’s a heartbreaker. It follows the story of a crossdresser who travels interstate to live out their secret desires because they’re too afraid of being rejected by family and friends. This story is so raw and honest, there is no escaping the emotions you would go through in such a scenario. There is a heightened level of anxiety, the fear of social backlash and discrimination in the attempt to embrace your true self. Dressing up is hard to do. Going out is hard to do. Meeting people is hard to do. As you read through Nails, you learn to savour those precious moments of love and acceptance in between the constant struggles. Your guard is set so high you don’t know if you’re able to let it down and try to enjoy yourself for once. There are so many moments in this book where you just want to reach through the pages and give the protagonist a hug. Yes, the world is an ugly place, and there is no escaping it most of the time. Some people will lift you up, and others will let you down, and others still will kick you when you’re down. It’s books like this which remind us why reading and writing are important, because love and compassion is so important, because people who are different from you deserve your understanding and respect, not to be dismissed because they’re freaks or heathens. They don’t deserve hate speech. They don’t deserve abuse. If you can find it in your heart to read this book and empathise with the protagonist, you’re doing your part in making the world a better place.

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book bleeds tension, fear, and heartbreaking painstaking hope. I couldn’t not read it cover to cover in one sitting. The expression of internal conflict paired with tenuous complementary external conflict is jarringly raw, honest, and scathingly beautiful. I never thought I’d cry over a Slurpee scene.

[Darci Schummer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is one of my favorites of Johnson's. It's honest, and it's got a lot of hard. It's also really hard to put down once you start it. I highly recommend it.

[Iggy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a stunning and important book. I wish I had read something like this when questions about my gender identity began to formulate in my mind, followed by the fear and doubts I would have regarding them. I found myself often moved to tears reading it, though not a trans-woman myself so many of the experiences mirrored my own as a non-binary individual.

Self-discovery is not a linear process, it is not often one riddled with obstacles, insecurities, and distractions. How easy would it be if there was one eureka moment, and you never had any questions following it? Unfortunately, it never seems to be that way, but there are sacred moments of self-expression in that process, where for a moment things seem to make sense and you find this security and stillness, perhaps even happiness.

This book is about all the frightening things you go through to get these moments, the strength and bravery it takes to live truthfully. It is about how painstaking it can be to get the perfect nails. It is about violence, fear, self-hatred, and self-love. It is about dysphoria, sex, and how long it can take to do your makeup. It is about self-acceptance. It is about the costs and rewards that come with being the person you truly are.

I would say to read it yourself and perhaps you will find something just as valuable and remarkable.

[William Wheeler · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really felt what the main character was going through. The nipple cut made me cringe. I read this book is less than 24 hours and had a hard time putting it down.

[Andrew Stone · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this on the car ride home from Mammoth to LA. I thoroughly enjoyed it and it is most definitely MPs most personal work to date. Brutally honest, at times comical, and thoroughly sad, Nails is a great book for fans of LFP, trans lit, gender identity confusion, feeling like an outsider, and many more. And if you enjoy MPs work, then Nails is a definite must read!

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

Raw. Honest. Heartbreaking and courageous tale of living your truth.

[Ted Prokash · Rating 5 out of 5]

How about, Naked Manicure? Not nude, implying a strip tease, an attempt at titillation, but a completely bare confessional. Nails is a frank examination of the author's search for sexual identity and acceptance, mostly from herself, over the course of a crossdressing vacation in L.A. It's about as fun and entertaining as a battle with self-loathing and societal rejection can be!

Nails is a lot of fun, actually and funny. MP Johnson is a veteran of zines and genre fiction and her honest, intimate voice makes this book work as an entertaining story and not just a confessional or plea for a cause.

Come in the interest of social justice; stay for the tragic comedy; remember it for the rare humanity.
(Also, if you share MP's fingernail fetish, this one's an automatic home run.)

[Billy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Short and sweet but still brutally emotional and all too relatable about personal emotional, mental confusion. It broke me in the 7-11. I will be looking forward towards reading more from MP Johnson.

[b · Rating 5 out of 5]

I recommend this book 1000%. One of the best books I’ve read in years.