Horde

by Ian Thomas Healy

Orcs used to be a fearsome fighting force, and the unleashing of the Horde brought terror to Humans, Elves, and Dwarves time and time again over the centuries. Nowadays, there aren't any more Ultimate Evils, Necromancers, or Dark Wizards left to hire the Horde. Paug Blumpkin is smart for an Orc (rather like saying he's smart for a box of hair). He's bored of training with the rest of the Horde for a war that will never come, and he's definitely tired of polishing his helmet. So he decides to set off in search of adventure, bringing along his cheerfully idiotic brother Milph, who has a regular habit of forgetting his pants. When they mug a Wizard while he's answering Nature's Call, they discover a treasure map (conveniently hidden in his Elven pornography), and thus begins their very own Quest Perilous. There's a powerful magical artifact halfway around the world, and Paug decides he's going to get the Tome of Unknowable Mysteries first. When he learns a celebrated Human hero is after the same booty, the race begins. With Milph using the stolen Wizard's wand (badly), a Barbarian warrior-woman named Petunia bringing the muscle, a lousy gambler named Hodak the Inconsequential (who happens to be fourteenth in line for the throne), and a Halfling thief named Gilpin with a chip on his shoulder, the companions head out into the great untamed wilderness, where death lurks behind every tree (and occasionally is the tree itself).

476 pages, Paperback

Published September 23, 2017

About the author

Ian Thomas Healy is a prolific writer who dabbles in many different speculative genres. His superhero novel Deep Six: A Just Cause Novel was a Top 100 Semi-finalist in the 2008 Amazon.com Breakthrough Novel Award. He’s a seven-time participant and winner of National Novel Writing Month where he’s tackled such diverse subjects as sentient alien farts, competitive forklift racing, a religion-powered rabbit-themed superhero, cyberpunk mercenaries, cowboy elves, and an unlikely combination of vampires with minor league hockey. He is also the creator of the Writing Better Action Through Cinematic Techniques workshop, which helps writers to improve their action scenes.

His goal is to become as integral to the genre of superhero fiction as William Gibson was to cyberpunk and Anne Rice was to urban fantasy.

Ian lives in Colorado with his wife, three children, and a plethora of housepets. When not writing, which is rare, he likes to take road trip, enjoys watching football and hockey, and listening to or playing music. His ebooks can be found on Smashwords, Kindle, Nook, iBook Store, and other online retailers.

Reviews

[Jess Theworddegree · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am friends with the author on threads and he sent me the ebook to read but I purchased the audiobook myself.

Ian Thomas Healy is a very talented writer. I could picture this Lord of the Ringsesque world very clearly and the characters came to life on the page. This is full of Ian’s great humour and I loved it - I laughed out loud at several points. I would highly recommend the audiobook for this one, the narrator did a fantastic job.

I am not a huge ‘epic journey’ book lover so I did find some of the journeying repetitive but overall this was just a bunch of fun and a great palette cleanser

[Colin Rowlands · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have previously listened to a number of books from this author that were set in his Just Cause superhero universe and having enjoyed those, I was looking forward to this take on the fantasy genre and overall I found it to be very enjoyable.

It is often quite tricky for an author to attempt a more humorous take on a particular genre, if it is done then it can come across as little more than a mean-spirited mockery of the original genre. Luckily, the author has managed to avoid this issue by producing a story that is holds up in it's own right rather than merely serving as a vehicle for the humour of it. The only place where the book could have been a little stronger might have been the ending which seemed to wrap things up a little too neatly, but even that makes for a nice contrast to most books that seem like they are overly focused on the setup of any sequel.

The changes to some of the fantasy race archetypes such as elves being more concerned with drugs etc to relieve their boredom or human heroes actually being arrogant idiots, while the orcs are more a bureaucracy than a race are all nice little twists that show more subtlety than some of the character names where the humour is a little more heavy-handed.

The narrator did a good job with this book, the characters were all suitably distinctive and his overall performance had a clear and pleasant tone that helped to enhance the book, although I was initially slightly distracted at first as his voice sounded quite familiar, sounding quite like Yahtzee Croshaw.

Overall, I found this to be an enjoyable audiobook from this author and I would recommend it for anyone who wants a slightly more lighthearted take on the traditional fantasy style.

[Note - I was given this free review copy audiobook at my request and have voluntarily left this review.]

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received this book for free. I am voluntarily leaving this review and all opinions expressed herein are my own.

It is a well written story about two orcs who are brothers. One brother, Paug, is considered smart and can read. The other brother, Milph, is not. One night Paug decides to set out on an adventure and Milph decides to tag along. At the beginning of their travels, the orc brothers come upon a wizard and while the wizard is going to the bathroom, they rob him of his wand, money and a map. They then meet Hodak the Inconsequential, who helps them understand that the map is a treasure map. So, they gather a few more companions and all set out to follow the map.

This was a well paced and written light-hearted fantasy adventure with characters who were interesting, likeable, humorous and a bit obsessed with "pleasures of the flesh." I really enjoyed it but my only complaint - the ending. It seemed a bit sudden and wrapped everything up in a bow. It is a complete story [no cliffhanger] but, there could easily be a sequel as these characters deal with the aftermath of their adventure.

I listened to this story -- the narrator, Nick Jermyn, did a good job voicing all the different characters - monsters, humans, elves, orcs, dwarves, etc. He enhanced the fun adventorous world in which all of these characters live.

[Kevin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Tolkien Rolled Over
The Horde is a lighthearted fantasy journey that takes a Lord of the Rings-like world and defiles it. And I mean that in the best way possible. Elves are druggies, heroes are self-centered, Orcs are heroes, and everyone needs a bath. Seriously. The whole world smells. While, I found the humor to be only moderately funny, the storyline and character development was surprisingly good. Ian Thomas Healy is an extremely talented storyteller and he seems to be able to write a compelling well-paced tale regardless of the topic. Although the horde was not my favorite read, due mainly to its topic, it confirm for me that Healy’s books are worth my time. Therefore, if you are looking for a goofy fantasy trip, give this one a read.
I received this book free in exchange for an honest review

Morality rating- This book abounds with sex, and sexually both explicit and implied, along with violence, language, and bathroom humor.

[Jossie Solheim · Rating 5 out of 5]

I absolutely loved this book and it had me chuckling away to myself all the way through. The characters were brilliant and surprisingly lovable and he action scenes were some of the best I've read in a long time. An absolute must read!

[Cortnie Delaney · Rating 5 out of 5]

One word: BEARS!
If you know, you know.

Inside jokes aside, my favorite thing about this book was the pure gleeful fun of it all, a feeling exactly like the best kind of Dungeons and Dragons campaign with some great friends. It's witty, it's raunchy, it's hilarious! The tongue-in-cheek voice of the writer and the banter of the characters keeps things upbeat and constantly entertaining, and the pacing of the zany fantasy adventure moves things along at a rate that ensures you never get bored or stay in one place too long.

To sum it up, I'd call the entire experience a ribald and rollicking good time! Can't wait to check out another book by this author as well- "Roast Wyvern (and Other Recipes)".

[Julie Howard · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. I must admit that this isn't my normal type of book ( I prefer mysteries) but I like this author so thought I would give it ago. I never got into reading or watching Tolkien's the hobbit or Lord of the rings ( I don't even know if they are the same book) so I am no expert in this genre by any means but I know what I like and I loved this book. There is so much action, adventure and humour that I never regretted getting it, despite the story being nearly fifteen hours long and in fact the time and story just flew by. The very different personalities and skill sets of characters is what makes the story work for me, I especially liked Milph and his habit of setting everything in fire.
Orcs are used for one thing only, fighting. So what happens when you are an Orc and long for something more than just training for a fight that never comes? You pack your bags and head out to find your own adventure. Which is why Paug after making sure his brother is wearing his trousers leaves everything he know behind, he wished he could leave his brother behind too but Milph is not the brightest Orc and would could a scene and wake up everyone else. The adventure is off to a good start when they rob a wizard and find a treasure map in his procession along with a magic wand that has Milph trying out all the magic words he knows. Now they just need to find a team mad enough to accompany them on there very first quest. They rescue Hodak the Inconsequential and fourteenth in line to the throne, as the money guy but defiantly not as a card player. Petunia the barbarian stumbles into there laps and joins as there body guard. A halfling called Gilpin is the last to join the team as the third when he steals some horses from Hodak's cousin, the real owner and seeker of the treasure map. Can Paug and his team of misfits beat the famous adventurer to the treasure? By battling dangerous creatures, like bears and tentacled beasts, not to mention the wizard who wants his wand back.
I liked the narrator. He did an amazing job of voicing the character, which really helped to bring the story to life and made it so much fun and a good listen.
I was given this free review copy audiobook at my request and have voluntarily left this review.

[Timothy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Two orc brothers, a barbarian, a halfling, and a human go on a quest...
Once I got past the dubious names of some of the characters and locations I realized there was much more to this book than a few vulgar jokes. It is a fun and action filled adventure/fantasy story that kept me reading to the very end.