Mating in Captivity: A Memoir

by Helen Zuman

When recent Harvard grad Helen Zuman moved to Zendik Farm in 1999, she was thrilled to discover that the Zendiks used go-betweens to arrange sexual assignations, or “dates,” in cozy shacks just big enough for a double bed and a nightstand. Here, it seemed, she could learn an honest version of the mating dance—and form a union free of “Deathculture” lies. No one spoke the Arol, the Farm’s matriarch, crushed any love that threatened her hold on her followers’ hearts. An intimate look at a transformative cult journey, Mating in Captivity shows how stories can trap us and free us, how miracles rise out of crisis, how coercion feeds on forsaken self-trust.

Genres: Memoir, Cults, Nonfiction, Biography Memoir, True Crime, Religion, Adult

249 pages, Kindle Edition

First published May 8, 2018

Reviews

[Katie Tolbert · Rating 4 out of 5]

First I’d like to say right up front that I am a former Zendik. I lived at Zendik Farm Commune as a Zendik from early 1986 until my departure in early 1990. Among the Zendiks I was called Kezo.

The author, Helen Zuman, and I have never met. Her time among the Zendiks occurred many years after I’d moved on.

I love Helen Zuman for writing this book! Many, many people have lived among the Zendiks over the 30 plus years The Farm existed. Some stayed only the briefest time, and others stayed for decades. Some left Zendik Farm emotionally destroyed, and others left with mostly happy memories. As far as I know, very few have written about their time spent living at Zendik Farm, and I doubt any will ever write a more honest, unflinching account than Zuman has.

Helen’s book is essential reading for anyone who ever lived at Zendik, for everyone who ever had dealings with the Zendiks, and perhaps even for those who have heard of the Zendiks.

The account you’ll read in this book of what Zendik Farm was really like is dramatically different from my own experience of Zendik Farm. I know beyond a shadow of doubt that there was real genius in Wulf Zendik’s philosophical teachings. (Wulf Zendik established and ruled Zendik Farm until the decline of his health and his eventual death in June 1999, before Helen Zuman’s arrival.) I moved to Zendik on my twenty-first birthday in 1986, and I know absolutely that Wulf’s teachings and guidance set my entire life on a course for happiness, self-determination, and success. I will always love Wulf for that.

In the pages of Helen Zuman’s book, “Mating in Captivity”, you’ll read of an entirely different kind of experience.

This book is a page turner! I could not put it down. The author has a finely tuned sense of rhythm and a keen feel for language that puts the reader right in the middle of her story. The raw honesty with which the author spins her tale of shame and fear (her own and others), of sexual awakening and of a young life interrupted, invokes in spirit and vibrant energy the likes of Henry Miller (author of “Tropic of Cancer”), William S. Burroughs (author of “Naked Lunch”), and Henry Bukowski (author of “Ham on Rye” and “Factotum”).

To be fair, I will not be recommending this book to family and friends, even though I very much enjoyed reading Helen’s stories from first to last. I will not recommend this book to loved ones because Helen Zuman’s account of Zendik Farm left me feeling ashamed of my time as a Zendik in a way I have never felt ashamed of those years before. That said, any book that makes us think and feel is an important book worth reading.

For anyone who does not personally know me, you must read this book!

[Jenny (Reading Envy) · Rating 3 out of 5]

Zendik is a communal organization, you might use the word cult, that I'm surprised I hadn't heard of before, particularly since it was housed in Hendersonville, NC, just 30-40 minutes from where I live, up until 2003. At that point it moved to West Virginia, to a large homestead. It got some press a few years back when that farm went up for sale, after the remaining founder of Zendik, Arol, passed away. It seems like Zendik more or less finished dissolving at that point, although you can still find their Facebook page.

The author of this memoir went looking for a communal society to join after graduating from Harvard, and landed on Zendik. She was funded by some kind of grant where she had agree to do research on this kind of society, but that was kind of a lie, as she really wanted to embrace it for herself. I found myself asking on a somewhat frequent basis if Harvard teaches anything like ethics or critical thinking, because the author does not seem to employ either in her decision making. Using grant money, over $10k, for something other than what you received it for, is surely against all terms of service! (She outright donates the entire sum to Zendik very soon after moving in as an apprentice, when they weren't even asking her for anything yet.) She also doesn't seem to be able to see the organization from the outside, which even if she was pretending to be the scholar receiving the grant, it seems like some baseline level of an understanding of fieldwork practices would have been employed.

Instead, she just... jumps in. Eager to have a different kind of life and to lose her virginity, a communal society where sex is arranged between multiple partners as long as both consent, and no property or body belongs to everyone seems kind of perfect to Helen. She embraces it but it does not take long before she finds out that actually, a lot of people pair off, and actually, she's going to have to sell stuff on street corners, and actually, there is a well-developed hierachy, and actually, the remaining leader employs a lot of crazy tactics that are common in fundamentalism and cults. It feels like she entered Zendik after its peak, after the founder Wulf, with his esoteric philosophies and rules, passes away. The group has picked up and relocated several times, but she didn't see this as a warning sign. From the memoir, I did get a sense that she has some trauma in her past, so perhaps that made her more susceptible, but I definitely found myself asking why! I think the author wanted to know why as well, and that's why she wrote this.

I know I sound critical, but a lot of people who get stuck in cults enter them as babies or after severe trauma or complete helplessness (drug addiction, homelessness)... Zuman is an educated person who just seems to make bad decisions. But I suppose it can be an interesting, if frustrating, read in that regard. (It's almost worse on the occasions where she leaves, hitchhiking without any awareness of personal safety.)

But I almost want to bump up the star rating because I enjoyed deep diving into this story on the internet. To that end, I bring you:

-The author's LiveJournal, where she had been writing her experiences and connecting with others from the same and similar backgrounds. This entry has a lot of the lingo and timeline associated with her time at Zendik.

-A Huffington Post article about the 2013 sale of the WV farm, with pictures of the space. The author was still a part of Zendik when they made the move to this location, but it almost felt like it was part of the reason she finally had to leave.

-Zendik Farm Arts Foundation on Facebook, not active in the last few years, but great photos of the founders, Wulf and Carol. They led the group from the 1960s on.

Thanks to the publisher for giving me early access through Edelweiss. They also published another leaving-religion title that I read last month, Shunned: How I Lost My Religion and Found Myself. This title came out May 8, 2018.

[Valerity (Val) · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a tantalizing story filled with many turns that are surprising. I’m amazed at what the author went through on her journey of self-discovery in different places. But mostly what she took as enlightenment at Zendik Farms. I can imagine going there at her age and getting caught up in it, but as a recent Harvard grad, I would hope that I would have had more ideas of my own . I enjoyed the read, racing through to see what happens next. I received an advance review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily

[Sarah Stevens · Rating 5 out of 5]

I married a former Zendik who belonged to this cult for only four years but was left all sorts of fucked up… I loved this book because it brought so much validity to the nonsense he constantly spewed, but, he is a hypocrite. They could have had a good thing going there, but, like this author shows, it only takes one greedy egotistical maniac to bring the whole thing down.

[Mindy · Rating 1 out of 5]

Surprisingly boring, given the subject matter. Reading this book was like being seated on a long bus ride next to someone you thought would be very interesting, but all that person can do is spend two hours telling their life story in minute, boring detail.

[Paula · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm fascinated by splinter religious groups, intentional communities, and cults, so it would have been enjoyable enough just to read about the Zendik Farm eco-commune from an insider's perspective. Helen Zuman also happens to be a gifted and observant writer, lifting this book from sordid tell-all to a readable, empathetic, post-grad-finding-oneself memoir.

[Vic S-F · Rating 1 out of 5]

[Nancy Chadwick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Zuman makes references to Zendik - a Farm, a community, a commune, a cult, where she chronicles her experiences there as a young woman, post college graduation. But like most successful memoirs, the narrative goes beyond autobiographical chronology and delves into deeper issues. Zuman's writing is no exception. Her need for self-discovery, for love, a place in this world, and for acceptance are shown, not told in this complex story of her survival in a very complicated world.

[Jill · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting

I found this book to be both interesting and yet disturbing. I appreciate the author's raw honesty about her life in the cult. She gives no excuses for how she was pulled in but simply recounts her experiences. It is a fascinating look at how easily people can be gradually manipulated and controlled by overbearing personalities.

[Anne Kadet · Rating 4 out of 5]

Entertaining and insightful!

[Wendy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I devoured this book. Zendik Farm has fascinated me since I encountered their members selling at Dead and Phish shows, where I picked up theirs zines, and later sought out Wulf’s books. However, this is more than a book about Zendik, it is a memoir – it is Zuman’s story, a story that includes much pain and reflects on it unflinchingly and beautifully. At some point in the narrative she seamlessly internalizes the Zendik story, and perhaps because of that, it is easier for the reader to imagine doing the same. As a very naïve 20-year-old, I exchanged letters with Zendik Farm. One of my stories about myself is about the path not taken to communal living, though I only seriously considered more mainstream groups. My path not taken intruded on Zuman’s story as I encountered places I’d been and people I met. (I did clean out the nut buttery factory at East Wind, and it was a huge pain in the ass.) But the pleasure of reliving that time in my 20s - beginning, like Zuman, with poring through the intentional communities guide like it was a Christmas catalog - was certainly tempered (with a bit of guilt) by the revelations of psychic and physical pain she experienced. Within these pages, Zuman illustrates how we employ our stories. How she internalized Zendik’s, and how she claimed her own. Her book is not just a sensationalistic peek into a notorious cult, or - for me – a window to an alternative life, but an example of how one can reclaim her past and transform it with the power of story.

[Rachelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Full disclosure: I know the author personally and consider her a good friend. We met after she'd left Zendik.

That said, I really enjoyed this book. Helen uses beautifully descriptive prose to provide the reader with awesome imagery of not only the other cult members and their communication styles, but also the land, the sky, the buildings, the group dynamic, and her emotional experiences and personal thought processes throughout her time before, during, and after Zendik.

I think of this as a coming of age story with two main focuses - 1) of one woman's personal sexual revolution, and 2) the story of someone who was searching for belonging and meaning in their life, jumped into a seemingly desirable situation with trust and openness, but got something *very* different once the dust settled. Helen does a great job, in my opinion, of helping the reader understand the development of her blind commitment and dedication to the cult and it's ideals that kept her there for so long, especially after she'd already become pretty miserable.

I definitely recommend this book, especially if you are interested in group dynamics, group psychology, cults, mind control, and personal identity.

Warning: This book does contain detailed descriptions of multiple instances of sexual assault. Those parts were very hard for me to read and I actually had to skip over them when I realized it was gonna show up more than once.

[David Stein · Rating 5 out of 5]

Memorable, a brave adventure, a deep study...

Helen's story called up memories of my own stay in a Vermont/Boston commune of the 1970's. Mine was not a cult, just a dozen well-educated graduates going back to the land, logging, building, gardening together. Sexual relations were not regulated; we were couples and singles, no swapping around. But we too thought of ourselves as a new paradigm, the seed of a new society based on love, not money. We too thought we were a revolution. Our two founders---the ones who bought and owned the land, and still do---were not nearly as manipulative and brutal as Arol in Helen's story, but there definitely was a hierarchy, a much more subtle one. Underneath our ideal of equality, there was a power structure, and it could get you voted out, send you out bankrupt into an indifferent world. But as Helen discovered, the outside world is not entirely a Deathculture, there are friends and teachers, a world to explore, the great adventure of life. All that said, I'd recommend a spell in a commune to anyone, and to go traveling among communes, as Helen has done, is quite an education...

[Lindsay Valenty · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helen's memoir reads like a story amongst friends: words you would share over coffee or wine. You can picture every moment so clearly: that first date, the r@pe fantasy, the first tear down from Arol, the feeling of failure when you couldn't get "on" for that sale, the sense of betrayal from other Zendiks during meetings.

As a reader, we know this is about a cult, but to see it unfold in the first person shows you just how easy it would be to fall under its thrall. There were moments where I felt such fear for Helen, and such anger over her treatment at Zendik, as well as moments of triumph and joy when she reconnected with the things that really brought meaning and happiness to her life.

"Mating in Captivity" is a raw exploration of what we all want: to belong, to feel loved, to have a sense of purpose beyond ourselves. It also shows how easily those wants can be exploited and turned against us when put in the wrong hands.

If you've ever wondered what it's like to be part of a cult experience and be able to come out the other side, then I highly encourage you to give this book a read. I had a hard time putting it down, and that's a good thing.

[TJL · Rating 3 out of 5]

The story itself was good.

The writing, on the other hand...

It was all a bit jumbled and confused. I feel like this could have stood to be more rigorously edited and organized before being put into print.

Like, divide and conquer: One chapter could have covered how Zendik came to be, another could have covered the who's-who in the cult and their various pasts/histories, another could have focused exclusively on the author and her past and how she got to Zendik, and then from there chronicle what went down in order, as best as can be remembered.

Instead, the information just kind of gets thrown at you, almost like the author sat down and just wrote everything as a sort of stream-of-consciousness-i'll-cover-it-as-I-remember-it thing. Which... Honestly, again, makes for a confusing read because we're jumping off onto different tangents constantly.

Again, the topic was fascinating. Just the writing I had some issues with.

[Amanda Jaeger · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's incredibly difficult to rate a book like this. But because it's an honest and raw memoir that peeks inside the Zendik cult life as she knew it, I feel like there's no other choice than to rate it 5 stars.

Through this memoir, we learn how she learned about the Zendiks, why she was attracted to their lifestyle, and how their belief system impacted her decision to come back again and again.

I found myself yelling at the book at times, probably whenever the author relived her experience while writing it in hindsight. I wanted so badly for her to wake up to what was so wrong. And I wanted her to so badly find real happiness within herself, and love the way she saw fit... not how this group wanted her to believe.

I thank Zuman for her willingness to record her story for others to read, so we can learn about cult activity... even when that cult doesn't look like the way we think it might.

[Roelien · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a captivating read. I have always had an interest in true crime, and often many crime cases revolve around cults. This is a story of a woman who joined a cult for 5 years, and eventually left. Normally when you think of a cult, the cases that come to mind are those such as Jonestown, The Manson Family. In both these cases terrible terrible things take place. In the Zendik nothing terrible to that level happens, but it is a cult nonetheless. This is a fascinating read in which one can see how someone who is lonely, seeking love and acceptance, unhappy with a mundane 9-5 job could be lured to a cult with promises of a utopic lifestyle. Zuman, also reveals how cults are run with the utmost control, she shares the mental and emotional abuse that wears you down and causes you to feel that you couldn’t make it in the outside world. She explores the concept of an exit cost, when you decide to leave a cult. Overall an absolutely fantastic read.

[Howard Thompson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was familiar with Zendik Farm when they were located near Austin TX and interacted with several members in various capacities, including active recruitment, though joining never seriously appealed to me in a anyway. It was clearly cult-y but didn't seem destructively so (like, I didn't see a Jonestown situation at all).
I found this book interesting and honestly her stories were about what I expected, but it was still a little disappointing. The writing was plodding and not particular engaging. I was really hoping to gain insight why and how a person finds themselves attracted to a group like Zendik, what keeps them there, what drives them away. Cults fascinate me. There was some of that. There was a lot about sexual exploration, which is perhaps not surprising given the title. That was a little less interesting to me personally TBH.
So I was left wanting more. Or maybe something a little different.

[Clare · Rating 4 out of 5]

In this gripping memoir Helen Zuman describes her experience as a young Harvard graduate living in the Zendik Farm community. It is an open and honest account of a experience of what is is like to being completely under the spell of a cult like group, and the lengths everyday people can go in order to feel they belong.

Helen clearly outlines in intriguing detail the degree of physical deprivation required to stay a member of this group, in which members ultimately gave away autonomy over their bodies, as well as the psychological anguish of questioning their every waking thought. When Helen is able to remove herself from Zendik Farm, she writes with such clarity about her emerging insights, and self.

A must read for anyone interested in lived experiences of such places.

[Nicole Skeltys · Rating 5 out of 5]

Helen Zuman writes with breathtaking honesty, bravery, dark humour and astute observation of the perils of falling into a cult for all-too-human reasons. How the best of spiritual questing intentions and young female sexual vulnerability can be exploited by people seeking power and validation in alt.worlds of their own making. This cannot have been an easy memoir to write but Zuman writes brilliantly, a page-turner that strives for a compassionate if diamond sharp view of the Zendick allure and impact. A must read for our troubled times when one person’s conspiracy theory is another person’s religion.

[Kathleen Riggs · Rating 3 out of 5]

Helen Zuman moved to Zendik Farm in 1999. Helen was a Harvard graduate. I didn’t think this book had much new to say about living in a commune that was actually a cult. but if you want to learn more about Zendik Farm then this book will suffice. Helen tells about periods within the cult and about the people who have lived among the Zendiks over the 30 years. Some stayed only the briefest of time, and others stayed for decades. Some left Zendik Farm emotionally destroyed, and others left with some happy memories, as Helen meets up with a few after she leaves. it was great that Helen was frank about how she learned about sex. this is an honest book.
I received an advance review copy for free from BookSirens, and I am leaving this review voluntarily.

[Sue · Rating 4 out of 5]

Amazing first-person account of life within a cult/commune. Not all communes are cults of course, and the author makes very clear why she views Zendik Farm to have been a cult experience.

A recent Harvard graduate in the late 1990s, Helen receives a grant to study communal life, and ends up visiting a number of communes. One of the communes - Zendik Farm - resonated strongly with her and she decided to stay and become part of their community.

Her description of life in the commune seems very even-handed. Nothing was all good or all bad, and she describes her personal conflict before, during and after leaving the commune.

[Jess · Rating 5 out of 5]

5 stars simply because I stayed up all night reading this book & then spent another six hours researching ZF on various websites & forums.

The writing style wasn’t always my taste but the pacing of the story kept me interested.

CONTENT WARNING: sexual assault in a bunch of different situations with varying degree of details.

I live in Asheville- so I had definitely heard of ZF & seen them selling magazines downtown & had a friend who was interested in living there around 2004. (She ended up going to live in a desert community out west instead.)

[Jess · Rating 4 out of 5]

This memoir about a Harvard grad who spends five-ish years in a cult is deceptively simple. She describes her time with the Zendiks in a straightforward, mostly linear way. What seems masterful is the lack of judgment or "preaching" she does in her writing... Of course cults are bad, and of course the things she is describing should make us feel shameful and angry... right? She allows the reader to absorb information without telling us how to feel. There is a lot of elegant and descriptive prose, but the book is also approachable and not overly academic.

[Mads Harbo Sørum · Rating 3 out of 5]

All-timer fra meg. Leste hele denne før jeg innså at det egentlig er Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic jeg har på listen. Denne var helt grei. Lærte litt om hvordan det er å være med i en kult og sånn.

[Davina · Rating 4 out of 5]

"All groups fall along a continuum, from reverence to contempt for self-trust.I find no bright line dividing cult from culture - just stories jointly held, and questions invited or forced by crisis:
How well do our stories nourish us?
What pain do we cause in their service?
How might we revise them - for healing, for kinship, for joy?"

[Ryn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another well written cult memoir for my collection. Also this cult was residing in Hendersonville NC near where I grew up and I had the pleasure of realizing that I had gotten roped into buying or being given some of their "ammo" at some point in my adolescence. Perhaps in another lifetime I could have gotten sucked in like Helen did.

[Sam · Rating 3 out of 5]

Although this book took me a very long time to read I did enjoy seeing another person who survived a cult. Helen Zuman is clearly a very brave person to have dealt with the abuses at Zendik and be willing to write about the experience. Although the writing isn't the best, the story is worth the read for anyone who want's to see a cult as viewed from the inside.

[Kacey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredible insight into Helen's time in this radical group. I learned so much from each chapter and began to look deeper at society and how the term "cult" shouldn't be reserved for the likes of Charles Manson and Jim Jones but also for insular communities that exist around us, all the time. I highly recommend this book!

[Jonathan L · Rating 5 out of 5]

What do I think? I haven't stopped thinking about and talking about this book since I read it a year ago. This book put many recently read memoir to shame. You get into Helen's world super fast. Be warned, you may not be able to get this story out of your head. Zendik is an interesting ride and Helen Zuman is an authentic and powerful narrator. Worth the price of admission.