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Jealousy Survival Guide: How to Feel Safe, Happy, and Secure in an Open Relationship
Jealousy can have an enormous impact on some people, so it is no surprise that people (especially those who practice consensual non-monogamy) think, talk, and write about it quite a bit. In “Jealousy Survival Guide”, Kitty Chambliss does the homework for you and collects the best tidbits on life and emotions to give you inspiration and provide tools to gain and practice new skills. Combining her own life experience with these pearls of wisdom, Kitty focuses on jealousy in consensually non-monogamous relationships, what it is, how it expresses, and specific ways to manage it. Kitty’s frank discussion of her own struggles with jealousy and focus on specific skills and techniques — without a shred of blame — makes “Jealousy Survival Guide” a delightfully useful read for anyone struggling with jealousy or consensually non-monogamous relationships and polyamory.
This is a comprehensive guidebook and step-by-step template for recognizing feelings of jealousy and insecurity as they come up with effective tools for sorting through those emotions, and when, if, and how to bring up challenging or potentially emotionally charged conversations with loved ones.
This is a comprehensive guidebook and step-by-step template for recognizing feelings of jealousy and insecurity as they come up with effective tools for sorting through those emotions, and when, if, and how to bring up challenging or potentially emotionally charged conversations with loved ones.
96 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2017
143 people are currently reading
215 people want to read
About the author
Kitty Chambliss
9 books7 followersKitty Chambliss is a polyamorous and sex-positive speaker, author, educator, relationship coach, activist and founder of Loving Without Boundaries (LWB). Since 2012 LWB has over 200 blog posts and 70 podcasts to date. Kitty’s work has been featured in Stories From the Polycule, Multiamory, Swingtowns, PostModern Woman, the YoushareProject, the upcoming book Coming Out Poly, and other publications around the globe. She has also been a special guest panelist and speaker on radio shows, international and national conferences and more. She is also a dual-certified (CPC and ELI-MP) relationship coach having graduated from The Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (IPEC). Lastly Kitty is thrilled to be bringing her upcoming book: Jealousy Survival Guide out to the world. Kitty has made it her life’s mission to make thriving relationships – even unconventional ones – attainable to everyone.
Within two years of authoring her blog, Kitty’s work received the Bad Girl Bloggers Award and now has 4,000+ followers. Within the first three weeks of production, her LWB podcast reached the status of New & Noteworthy on iTunes under the categories of Sexuality and Health. She enjoys interviewing world-renowned authors, speakers, educators, therapists and authorities in the fields of ethical non-monogamy, relationships, and even a “coming out coach.”
Kitty has worked with many clients privately over the past three years helping everyone (from singles to triads and beyond) have more deeply fulfilling love lives.
When she’s not coaching clients, writing a blog post, or capturing a podcast interview, Kitty loves to pretend she’s awesome at pole fitness dancing and being a rock star musician. She also loves immersing herself in new cultures, and savoring inspiring conversations over a great glass of wine with loved ones.
Within two years of authoring her blog, Kitty’s work received the Bad Girl Bloggers Award and now has 4,000+ followers. Within the first three weeks of production, her LWB podcast reached the status of New & Noteworthy on iTunes under the categories of Sexuality and Health. She enjoys interviewing world-renowned authors, speakers, educators, therapists and authorities in the fields of ethical non-monogamy, relationships, and even a “coming out coach.”
Kitty has worked with many clients privately over the past three years helping everyone (from singles to triads and beyond) have more deeply fulfilling love lives.
When she’s not coaching clients, writing a blog post, or capturing a podcast interview, Kitty loves to pretend she’s awesome at pole fitness dancing and being a rock star musician. She also loves immersing herself in new cultures, and savoring inspiring conversations over a great glass of wine with loved ones.
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Displaying 1 - 20 of 20 reviews
June 1, 2023
I'm monogamous and my partner is polyamorous.
I read this book to help me with being better at understanding polyamory. I'm monogamous and my partner is polyamorous and I wanted to learn more about it and try to understand it and my partner and their wants/needs better.
There's a lot of negative books out there, and I've read quite a few of them. This one has been the one that, I believe, has helped me the most. It was very positive towards the mono person, which most aren't, and offered help and reassurance.
I would most definitely recommend this book to others for help.
I read this book to help me with being better at understanding polyamory. I'm monogamous and my partner is polyamorous and I wanted to learn more about it and try to understand it and my partner and their wants/needs better.
There's a lot of negative books out there, and I've read quite a few of them. This one has been the one that, I believe, has helped me the most. It was very positive towards the mono person, which most aren't, and offered help and reassurance.
I would most definitely recommend this book to others for help.
August 13, 2025
I really enjoyed this very short, easy read. The major concepts of this book are positivity (not exactly, but very similar to Positive Psychology) and communication (very closely related to Interpersonal Communication)- both are classes offered at most colleges and Universities that I would strongly recommend.
He first section discusses the importance of positivity and trying to distance yourself [for a few minutes] from the situation that is “triggering” a period jealousy. This was very informative to me, and I REALLY enjoyed the breakdowns, discussions, and steps in allowing my you to step away, get control of yourself [your mind and your thoughts], and to focus on what actually did or is happening, and not the imagined construct plaguing your mind.
While this may seem like common sense, it was/is something I had not actually considered when “in the moment-“ when you feelings, concerns, and mind are all in a psychological feedback-loop…
The author, Kitty Chambliss, talks about acknowledging your feeling, discovering what they are from (usually related to past experiences), and working through them to what it is you are actually needing at that moment- meaning jealousy and related emotions are usually your body letting you know you are missing a “need”…
The second part is communication. Here she discussed when and if you need to discuss this jealousy and these feelings with the person or people involved in the situation.
Then she goes into the methods of listening (to yourself AND those involved) and the methods of interpersonal communication. These are extremely useful in communicating and discussing tough topics in all aspects of your life.
In short, I highly recommend this book as a must read and easily applied to all aspects of your life (don’t let the title fool you).
He first section discusses the importance of positivity and trying to distance yourself [for a few minutes] from the situation that is “triggering” a period jealousy. This was very informative to me, and I REALLY enjoyed the breakdowns, discussions, and steps in allowing my you to step away, get control of yourself [your mind and your thoughts], and to focus on what actually did or is happening, and not the imagined construct plaguing your mind.
While this may seem like common sense, it was/is something I had not actually considered when “in the moment-“ when you feelings, concerns, and mind are all in a psychological feedback-loop…
The author, Kitty Chambliss, talks about acknowledging your feeling, discovering what they are from (usually related to past experiences), and working through them to what it is you are actually needing at that moment- meaning jealousy and related emotions are usually your body letting you know you are missing a “need”…
The second part is communication. Here she discussed when and if you need to discuss this jealousy and these feelings with the person or people involved in the situation.
Then she goes into the methods of listening (to yourself AND those involved) and the methods of interpersonal communication. These are extremely useful in communicating and discussing tough topics in all aspects of your life.
In short, I highly recommend this book as a must read and easily applied to all aspects of your life (don’t let the title fool you).
October 9, 2018
I don't normally have to cope with a lot of jealousy, so wasn't sure what I had to learn from this work, especially since it's short. I was wrong.
There's a lot of goodness in these pages, which are applicable to those in open relationships, AND those in monogamous ones.
For example, this passage:
"The key to identifying, expressing, and connecting with needs is to focus on words that describe shared human experience, rather than words that describe the particular strategies to meet those needs. Whenever we include a person, a location, an action, a time, or an object in our expression of what we want, we are describing a strategy rather than a need. For example: 'I want you to come to my birthday party' may be a strategy to meet a need for love and connection. In this case, we have a person, an action, and an implied time, and location in the original statement. The internal shift from focusing on a specific strategy to connecting with underlying needs often provides people with a sense of power and liberation. We are encouraged to free ourselves from being attached to one specific strategy by identifying the underlying needs and exploring alternative strategies."
Drilling down to the core need, what a concept. I also really appreciate the concept of wanting to be SPECIAL to my partners, to be the best/top at whatever the thing is, to avoid fear of being replaced.
This is a book with exercises I'll be returning to again and again, I suspect. Highly recommend.
There's a lot of goodness in these pages, which are applicable to those in open relationships, AND those in monogamous ones.
For example, this passage:
"The key to identifying, expressing, and connecting with needs is to focus on words that describe shared human experience, rather than words that describe the particular strategies to meet those needs. Whenever we include a person, a location, an action, a time, or an object in our expression of what we want, we are describing a strategy rather than a need. For example: 'I want you to come to my birthday party' may be a strategy to meet a need for love and connection. In this case, we have a person, an action, and an implied time, and location in the original statement. The internal shift from focusing on a specific strategy to connecting with underlying needs often provides people with a sense of power and liberation. We are encouraged to free ourselves from being attached to one specific strategy by identifying the underlying needs and exploring alternative strategies."
Drilling down to the core need, what a concept. I also really appreciate the concept of wanting to be SPECIAL to my partners, to be the best/top at whatever the thing is, to avoid fear of being replaced.
This is a book with exercises I'll be returning to again and again, I suspect. Highly recommend.
October 19, 2022
I don't struggle with jealousy a whole lot, but one of my mentors recommended that I read this book as a way of understanding the other side. I don't think jealousy is a huge player with my long term partner, as we're both fairly emotionally aware and able to talk through things. But as such a volatile emotion can cause massive issues when left unaddressed, I took my mentor's word for it and added it to my list.
It was really good! Even for someone like me, who being the youngest of 5 in a family which believes strongly in sharing and community, it didn't necessarily "hit home." My first instinct is to share. And if I'm not shared with, I'm more likely to get my feelings hurt than to be jealous at it.
Nonetheless I learned things about myself, see past partnerships in a slightly different light, and (I hope) can move forward with my partner in a healthy and respectful relationship for as long as he wants me around!
There are so many resources out there, and so many sides to the story. I think even if the side doesn't apply to you, it does you good to look at it and try to understand that point of view. This doesn't apply to everything, I'm a firm believer that not everyone deserves a seat at my table of discussion (abusers, etc). But in this case it was a good alternative viewpoint.
10/10 recommend
It was really good! Even for someone like me, who being the youngest of 5 in a family which believes strongly in sharing and community, it didn't necessarily "hit home." My first instinct is to share. And if I'm not shared with, I'm more likely to get my feelings hurt than to be jealous at it.
Nonetheless I learned things about myself, see past partnerships in a slightly different light, and (I hope) can move forward with my partner in a healthy and respectful relationship for as long as he wants me around!
There are so many resources out there, and so many sides to the story. I think even if the side doesn't apply to you, it does you good to look at it and try to understand that point of view. This doesn't apply to everything, I'm a firm believer that not everyone deserves a seat at my table of discussion (abusers, etc). But in this case it was a good alternative viewpoint.
10/10 recommend
October 10, 2017
I came to this book in a bit of a roundabout way. In an effort to support a friend who identifies as “polyamorous” (a new term for me), I asked a bunch of questions about how this works for her, including what is apparently the most frequently asked question: Don’t you get jealous?
She introduced me to Kitty Chambliss’s new book, "Jealousy Survival Guide". While the focus is on “consensually non-monogamous relationships” (which allowed me to better understand and appreciate my friend’s relationship model), I also found a smart guide on how to use jealousy as a tool to grow myself and strengthen my marriage, as well as improve relationships with family, friends, and even co-workers.
Chambliss’s writing is very approachable and straightforward. She is open and real, completely nonjudgmental, supportive, and encouraging. She’s also funny. You feel like you are talking one-on-one with a trusted friend/advisor as she offers practical tips, exercises, and strategies.
I got the most out of “Chapter 3: Defusion” (developing skills for coping with jealousy and fear and using those emotions as tools for positive change) and “Chapter 6: Communication” (the examples she gives for nonviolent communication would be well worth the price of a few couples therapy sessions).
She introduced me to Kitty Chambliss’s new book, "Jealousy Survival Guide". While the focus is on “consensually non-monogamous relationships” (which allowed me to better understand and appreciate my friend’s relationship model), I also found a smart guide on how to use jealousy as a tool to grow myself and strengthen my marriage, as well as improve relationships with family, friends, and even co-workers.
Chambliss’s writing is very approachable and straightforward. She is open and real, completely nonjudgmental, supportive, and encouraging. She’s also funny. You feel like you are talking one-on-one with a trusted friend/advisor as she offers practical tips, exercises, and strategies.
I got the most out of “Chapter 3: Defusion” (developing skills for coping with jealousy and fear and using those emotions as tools for positive change) and “Chapter 6: Communication” (the examples she gives for nonviolent communication would be well worth the price of a few couples therapy sessions).
July 26, 2020
A short and easy-to-read book that I’d recommend to anyone dealing with jealousy (or the prospect of it) in their non-monogamous relationship(s). Especially if you have not read much or done much work on your jealousy before, this book will provide a great framework for understanding and dealing with this difficult emotion.
The content of the book was definitely useful for its intended reader. However I can’t rate this book more than 3 stars because of the poor writing. The over use of exclamation marks (sometimes 4 or more on a single page) is annoying. The author pads the chapters and sections with repetitive inanities (“what if I told you that it’s possible to [X Y Z]? You’d want to know how, right? Great! Read on to find out how!”). The book is about 100 pages long but inside it are very large topics that could each have had their own books, which the author summarises too quickly and never really gets in to.
If you are in a situation where you need to get a better handle on jealousy, read this book. Grit your teeth through the annoying and bad writing, don’t worry it’s only 100 pages long so you won’t have to suffer for too long.
The content of the book was definitely useful for its intended reader. However I can’t rate this book more than 3 stars because of the poor writing. The over use of exclamation marks (sometimes 4 or more on a single page) is annoying. The author pads the chapters and sections with repetitive inanities (“what if I told you that it’s possible to [X Y Z]? You’d want to know how, right? Great! Read on to find out how!”). The book is about 100 pages long but inside it are very large topics that could each have had their own books, which the author summarises too quickly and never really gets in to.
If you are in a situation where you need to get a better handle on jealousy, read this book. Grit your teeth through the annoying and bad writing, don’t worry it’s only 100 pages long so you won’t have to suffer for too long.
January 28, 2018
This is a good book. I don't know how much I'll benefit from it personally, since I'm not super prone to jealousy (and thus, not really in a position to say if it would work for this), but the material in there seems solid and seems like good, easy starting blocks for someone who is new to the world of non-monogamy and doesn't yet have a tool kit available for dealing with the harder emotions.
I didn't see anything in there that gave me any red flags that I sometimes see in non-monogamy literature, and I was happy to see that the majority of the book focused on working on oneself rather than trying to get one's partner to change.
I do recommend this for anyone who is new to non-monogamy and perhaps isn't geared toward community very strongly. If you can't or don't want to connect to some sort of in-person community for support and guidance, having good reading material at hand is an okay substitute for this.
I didn't see anything in there that gave me any red flags that I sometimes see in non-monogamy literature, and I was happy to see that the majority of the book focused on working on oneself rather than trying to get one's partner to change.
I do recommend this for anyone who is new to non-monogamy and perhaps isn't geared toward community very strongly. If you can't or don't want to connect to some sort of in-person community for support and guidance, having good reading material at hand is an okay substitute for this.
November 14, 2017
I totally enjoyed this book. Self help books seem to fall into a couple of different camps; some more like an intellectual lecture and others with practical and useful exercises. This book definitely falls into the latter.
Jealousy is a "big" emotional and Chambliss offers loads of good insight into why we feel it and how to (and how not to) cope with your emotional responses. She's got a great sense of humour, uses some personal examples, and provides some good exercises and practical tools to help.
Interesting, too, is that a lot of the books insight's into processing jealousy in polyamorous relationships apply to other emotions and other relationship types as well. Parent/child relationships and monogamous partnerships can benefit from the ideas surrounding detachment and non-violent communications.
Jealousy is a "big" emotional and Chambliss offers loads of good insight into why we feel it and how to (and how not to) cope with your emotional responses. She's got a great sense of humour, uses some personal examples, and provides some good exercises and practical tools to help.
Interesting, too, is that a lot of the books insight's into processing jealousy in polyamorous relationships apply to other emotions and other relationship types as well. Parent/child relationships and monogamous partnerships can benefit from the ideas surrounding detachment and non-violent communications.
April 14, 2018
This was not awful but suffered in comparison to The Jealousy Workbook, which I also just read. The most interesting and useful parts for me were actually the ones summarizing a different work/strategy, Nonviolent Communication. That being said, I didn't get *nothing* out of it.
It's written in an incredibly obnoxious, bubbly, informal tone and for me personally, I could've done with a little less "You got this! I'm so proud of you! You rock!!" type filler. Plus there was a lot of self-promotion from the author.
Overall not a bad thing to have in your toolbox, especially since there are so few books in this genre, but I would definitely recommend The Jealousy Workbook first / additionally.
It's written in an incredibly obnoxious, bubbly, informal tone and for me personally, I could've done with a little less "You got this! I'm so proud of you! You rock!!" type filler. Plus there was a lot of self-promotion from the author.
Overall not a bad thing to have in your toolbox, especially since there are so few books in this genre, but I would definitely recommend The Jealousy Workbook first / additionally.
November 30, 2017
Essential reading for folks honest about jealousy
This was a great and helpful quick read. It provides some great questions to think about that gave me a fresh perspective on my relationships and thoughts about polyamory. I still feel my brain railing against it all as trying to tame my wild feels, but I’m gonna try some of the tools offered here and see what happens. If yer a jealous person and you keep getting tripped up just allow yerself to be jealous and keep working. That’s really all you can do.
This was a great and helpful quick read. It provides some great questions to think about that gave me a fresh perspective on my relationships and thoughts about polyamory. I still feel my brain railing against it all as trying to tame my wild feels, but I’m gonna try some of the tools offered here and see what happens. If yer a jealous person and you keep getting tripped up just allow yerself to be jealous and keep working. That’s really all you can do.
September 24, 2018
The tips in this book are helpful and readily available via online searches. Still, it's always helpful to have such a collection in one place. The info in the book can be applied to various types of relationships, not just polyamorous ones. However, the book doesn't really get into how to discern jealousy from feelings of disrespect. Nope, just suck it up and learn to live with such feelings! Boundaries can be a good thing, but not from this book's point of view. When anything goes, it generally won't last more than a few years anyway.
October 28, 2017
I don’t write reviews, but OM-Effing-G this is WORTH it! We all feel jealous, but what to do about it? Use it to make your relationship better. You may have seen some of the concepts here before, but Kitty keeps it down to earth and real.
January 20, 2020
What a great resource!! I flew through this helpful book and took so many notes. I think this book is so great that it deserves a prettier cover! Thank you Kitty Chambliss, I learned a lot about jealousy and communication! <3
December 26, 2017
its helpful.
its helpful with marriage. especially when spouse has more opposite sex friends. has helped a lot especially with communication. ya
its helpful with marriage. especially when spouse has more opposite sex friends. has helped a lot especially with communication. ya
August 25, 2018
Concise and practical. If you struggle with jealousy in any context, give this quick read a go!
June 26, 2020
Good as an introduction for new polyamorous / non-monogamous people
September 15, 2021
encouragement of transformational thinking !
Very relatable, credible, insiteful and judgement free. I loved it. Totally worth the read. I'm excited to do the homework.
Very relatable, credible, insiteful and judgement free. I loved it. Totally worth the read. I'm excited to do the homework.
January 21, 2025
Loved it
It's a very easy read and to the point with lots of fun spots as well. Will be sure to recommend to other's.
It's a very easy read and to the point with lots of fun spots as well. Will be sure to recommend to other's.
February 23, 2019
A useful book for any kind of relationships.
“If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will take you there.” I was curious to read about polyamorous relationships and how they deal with jealousy or domestic life, but I found the book very informative about communication in general making it useful to various types of relationships; it is definitely appropriate for a monogamous marriage as well. It gives useful tips to prevent conflict when communicating with a partner; basically it is all about defining our needs or fears and express that with a desire to let our partner be him/herself.
Also, I appreciated very much the section about values which, for me, is core to my daily life. Those excerpts:
'' Do you value inner peace or order in your life? If you want to get your life in order, screw the goals and skip the plans. Jump straight to values — your non-negotiables for how you do business, treat your loved ones, and make a life. Everything else falls under this. Sure, plans are good and goals are fine... That’s not enough to live a good life. If you really want to kick ass in life, you have to have values — good ones — to make a positive dent in this universe... Values are the principles that people live by, the things that make them tick and drive them... Two types of values: FEAR-BASED = HAVE To’s — These values spur you to take action to avoid something. “I have to do this… or else.” CONSCIOUS-BASED = WANT To’s — These values allow you to take positive action. It’s important to realize when you’re choosing from passion or fear... When your life was really good. What value was being expressed... when you were upset. What value... you compromise your values? Why?... what you MUST experience in life. Why... ''
Defining our needs, expressing ourselves, emotions... are all subjects covered. There are many practical exercises also. A very informative book worth to be read by all.
“If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will take you there.” I was curious to read about polyamorous relationships and how they deal with jealousy or domestic life, but I found the book very informative about communication in general making it useful to various types of relationships; it is definitely appropriate for a monogamous marriage as well. It gives useful tips to prevent conflict when communicating with a partner; basically it is all about defining our needs or fears and express that with a desire to let our partner be him/herself.
Also, I appreciated very much the section about values which, for me, is core to my daily life. Those excerpts:
'' Do you value inner peace or order in your life? If you want to get your life in order, screw the goals and skip the plans. Jump straight to values — your non-negotiables for how you do business, treat your loved ones, and make a life. Everything else falls under this. Sure, plans are good and goals are fine... That’s not enough to live a good life. If you really want to kick ass in life, you have to have values — good ones — to make a positive dent in this universe... Values are the principles that people live by, the things that make them tick and drive them... Two types of values: FEAR-BASED = HAVE To’s — These values spur you to take action to avoid something. “I have to do this… or else.” CONSCIOUS-BASED = WANT To’s — These values allow you to take positive action. It’s important to realize when you’re choosing from passion or fear... When your life was really good. What value was being expressed... when you were upset. What value... you compromise your values? Why?... what you MUST experience in life. Why... ''
Defining our needs, expressing ourselves, emotions... are all subjects covered. There are many practical exercises also. A very informative book worth to be read by all.
October 24, 2017
Practical, heartfelt and humorous! No matter what kind of relationship you are in, this book is filled with practical tools and tricks you can start using immediately to understand, reframe and work more constructively with your feelings of jealousy. Once you understand what jealousy actually is, how and why we feel it and how you can use that in a positive way, it can change your entire view on a relationship. This woman knows her stuff! Highly recommended.
Displaying 1 - 20 of 20 reviews