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368 pages, Paperback
First published October 3, 2017
“If someone describes a movie as a CHARACTER STUDY, we all know what they mean: ‘This thing’s gonna be slow as shit.’
If Rocky were boring, they would call it a character study.
Raging Bull is a character study.
The studio didn’t even pony up for color film stock. Fancy humming the theme tune to Raging Bull? Didn’t think so. If I want to see a fat fuck talk to himself in the mirror, I’ll put CCTV in my bathroom.
Predator isn’t a character study. Is there any moment in time when you’re doing something better than watching Predator? I’d rather be watching Predator now, and I’m having sex with someone.”
“HEROES very rarely agree to SHAKE HANDS, and almost never air-kiss. And yet, despite their lack of civility, we cheer them on. This is because the hero acts as we wish we could and NOT as we actually do. We don’t want to touch people’s puffy hands; we don’t want some asshole’s clammy cheek barreling toward us in smug expectation; we don’t want to endure the humiliation of having our outstretched arm pivoted back into our chest for a hip-hop hug from a forty-five-year-old. And yet we allow these violations every day of our shriveled lives.
Do you think Jason Statham would put up with this bullshit?”

The hero’s struggle is to keep off his ass for as long as possible. That’s why every Aaron Sorkin hero walks fast along corridors, while people with clipboards run to keep up with him. They’re trying to outrun their own asses. And Sorkin knows that a rolling ass gathers no moss. Heroes power-slide under rapidly dropping portcullises, punch Foreign Nationals, shoot at people for whom we have no narrative empathy and make sweet love to women of above-average attractiveness. Try doing any of these things while keeping your ass still.
[...]
Faced with the prospect of watching some British film about unattractive people in inadequate housing, your body automatically shuts down to protect itself.
Studios hire actors they think the public still like to act in a story that’s like something the public used to like three years ago. Then they hire a director who once made a good film to take the blame if it all goes wrong. If it’s successful, everyone takes the credit, except if it’s a female director, in which case she got lucky or blew someone. But if it all goes wrong and the director is female, it’s totally her fault.