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The Friendship Cure
A compelling, fresh and thought-provoking exploration of friendship - what it is, how to keep it, and why we need it more than ever before.
Friendship is like water. We need it to survive, we crave it when it's scarce, it runs through our veins and yet we forget its value simply because it's always available. The basic compulsion to make friends is in our DNA; we've evolved, chimp-like, to seek out connection with other human beings. We move through life in packs and friendship circles and yet we are stuck in the greatest loneliness epidemic of our time. It's killing us, making us miserable and causing a public health crisis. But what if friendship is the solution, not the distraction?
Journalist Kate Leaver believes that friendship is the essential cure for the modern malaise of solitude, ignorance, ill health and angst. If we only treated camaraderie as a social priority, it could affect everything from our physical health and emotional well-being to our capacity to find a home, keep a job, get married, stay married, succeed, feed and understand ourselves.
In this witty, smart book - an appealing blend of science, pop culture and memoir - she meets scientists, speaks to old friends, finds extraordinary stories and uncovers research to look at what friendship is, how it feels, where it can survive, why we need it and what we can do to get the most from it - and how we might change the world if we value it properly.
Friendship is like water. We need it to survive, we crave it when it's scarce, it runs through our veins and yet we forget its value simply because it's always available. The basic compulsion to make friends is in our DNA; we've evolved, chimp-like, to seek out connection with other human beings. We move through life in packs and friendship circles and yet we are stuck in the greatest loneliness epidemic of our time. It's killing us, making us miserable and causing a public health crisis. But what if friendship is the solution, not the distraction?
Journalist Kate Leaver believes that friendship is the essential cure for the modern malaise of solitude, ignorance, ill health and angst. If we only treated camaraderie as a social priority, it could affect everything from our physical health and emotional well-being to our capacity to find a home, keep a job, get married, stay married, succeed, feed and understand ourselves.
In this witty, smart book - an appealing blend of science, pop culture and memoir - she meets scientists, speaks to old friends, finds extraordinary stories and uncovers research to look at what friendship is, how it feels, where it can survive, why we need it and what we can do to get the most from it - and how we might change the world if we value it properly.
304 pages, Paperback
First published March 19, 2018
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3112 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 96 reviews
April 26, 2019
I am not one to write a negative review, but I feel that this book is irresponsible in a lot of ways and that the author needs to be held accountable. I was so looking forward to reading this book; I am a person who cares very deeply about friendship, and I was thrilled to find a nonfiction book exploring the topic, which is not very common. But I have to admit this book really disappointed me.
This book claims to be based in research, but it is riddled with confirmation bias and generalizing based on anecdotal evidence. So many of the examples the author uses reflect racial and gender stereotypes; occasionally she throws in a disclaimer acknowledging this, or that racism, sexism, or homophobia exist, and then move along without doing any real work to provide examples of the marginalized groups she mentions. The book tends to be very hetero- and cis-normative; the author frequently supports biological differences between men and women over societal influences, which is both trans-exclusionary and dismissive of the existence of non-binary and gender non-conforming people. The fact that there is even a chapter on whether men and women can be friends--and that she claims we are "programmed" to want to have sex with people who are not our sex-- is not only heteronormative, but also totally dismissive of the existence of asexual people.
She provides no examples of low-wage work in the chapter on work friends, supports the existence of the "friend zone," and even says at one point that she suspects one of her interview subjects of lying. The things in the book that are true are framed as new ideas, when to me they seemed like obvious facts that most people are already aware of.
This book read like a poorly structured blog post, and it was filled with outdated ideas and ignorance of privilege. The only good insights I found in this book were in the chapter on being friends with people when you or your friend suffers from mental health issues. I found that chapter to be genuine and eye-opening, and I wish I could have said the same for the other chapters.
If anything, this book inspired me to maybe one day write my own book on friendship. Who knows? Maybe I will.
This book claims to be based in research, but it is riddled with confirmation bias and generalizing based on anecdotal evidence. So many of the examples the author uses reflect racial and gender stereotypes; occasionally she throws in a disclaimer acknowledging this, or that racism, sexism, or homophobia exist, and then move along without doing any real work to provide examples of the marginalized groups she mentions. The book tends to be very hetero- and cis-normative; the author frequently supports biological differences between men and women over societal influences, which is both trans-exclusionary and dismissive of the existence of non-binary and gender non-conforming people. The fact that there is even a chapter on whether men and women can be friends--and that she claims we are "programmed" to want to have sex with people who are not our sex-- is not only heteronormative, but also totally dismissive of the existence of asexual people.
She provides no examples of low-wage work in the chapter on work friends, supports the existence of the "friend zone," and even says at one point that she suspects one of her interview subjects of lying. The things in the book that are true are framed as new ideas, when to me they seemed like obvious facts that most people are already aware of.
This book read like a poorly structured blog post, and it was filled with outdated ideas and ignorance of privilege. The only good insights I found in this book were in the chapter on being friends with people when you or your friend suffers from mental health issues. I found that chapter to be genuine and eye-opening, and I wish I could have said the same for the other chapters.
If anything, this book inspired me to maybe one day write my own book on friendship. Who knows? Maybe I will.
April 10, 2018
(2.5) We’re in the middle of a loneliness epidemic, so friends are more important than ever. That’s the impetus for Kate Leaver’s jaunty, somewhat insubstantial book about modern friendship. She observes teen girls on the Tube and reflects on how we as primates still engage in social grooming – though language has replaced much of this more primitive bond-forming behavior. We experience a spike in our number of friends through adolescence and early adulthood, but friendships can fall by the wayside during our thirties as we enter long-term relationships and turn our attention to children and other responsibilities. Leaver argues that female friendships can amplify women’s voices and encourage us to embrace imperfection. She also surveys the bromance, mostly in its TV and film manifestations. There are plenty of pop culture references in the book; while I enjoy a Scrubs or Parks and Recreation scene or quotation as much as the next fan, the reliance on pop culture made the book feel lightweight.
Perhaps the most useful chapter was the one on online friendships (hi, book blogger friends!). We so often hear that these can’t replace IRL friendships, but Leaver sticks up for social media: it allows us to meet like-minded people, and is good for introverted and private people. Anything is better than isolation. The biggest problem I had with the book was the tone: Leaver is going for a Caitlin Moran vibe, and peppers in hip references to Taylor Swift, Lindsay Lohan and the like. But then she sometimes tries for more of a Mary Beard approach, yet doesn’t trust herself to competently talk about science, so renders it in matey, anti-intellectual language like “Robin [Dunbar, of Oxford University] did some fancy maths” (um, I think you mean “Dr. Dunbar”!) or “Let me hit you with a bit of research.”
Favorite lines:
You might choose to read instead: Kory Floyd’s The Loneliness Cure; Ann Patchett’s Truth and Beauty; Anna Quindlen’s essay “Girlfriends” from Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake.
Originally published on my blog, Bookish Beck.
Perhaps the most useful chapter was the one on online friendships (hi, book blogger friends!). We so often hear that these can’t replace IRL friendships, but Leaver sticks up for social media: it allows us to meet like-minded people, and is good for introverted and private people. Anything is better than isolation. The biggest problem I had with the book was the tone: Leaver is going for a Caitlin Moran vibe, and peppers in hip references to Taylor Swift, Lindsay Lohan and the like. But then she sometimes tries for more of a Mary Beard approach, yet doesn’t trust herself to competently talk about science, so renders it in matey, anti-intellectual language like “Robin [Dunbar, of Oxford University] did some fancy maths” (um, I think you mean “Dr. Dunbar”!) or “Let me hit you with a bit of research.”
Favorite lines:
“on some days, somewhere in our souls, we still count the number of social media connections as a measure of who we are”
“When you successfully recruit a new person into your friendship circle, you’re essentially confirming that you are a likable human being, worthy of someone’s time and emotional investment.”
You might choose to read instead: Kory Floyd’s The Loneliness Cure; Ann Patchett’s Truth and Beauty; Anna Quindlen’s essay “Girlfriends” from Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake.
Originally published on my blog, Bookish Beck.
October 8, 2018
I am so ANNOYED with this book.
May 6, 2018
While there were some good and convincing points, it woud have been better if there was more research based input.
July 9, 2021
2,5 - 3 stars
Some very eye-opening parts, but my reading experience was somewhat tainted by several very cis-heteronormative narratives, genderstereotypical oversimplifications and "casual" tone.
I still appreciated (and agree with) the general thesis of the book, i.e. the problematic hierachisation of romantic relationships over friendships in our culture.
Some very eye-opening parts, but my reading experience was somewhat tainted by several very cis-heteronormative narratives, genderstereotypical oversimplifications and "casual" tone.
I still appreciated (and agree with) the general thesis of the book, i.e. the problematic hierachisation of romantic relationships over friendships in our culture.
March 30, 2018
‘A manifesto for reconnecting in the modern world’
The Friendship Cure is an exploration and a study of modern friendship by journalist Kate Leaver. Frustrated with the direction society has taken, with loneliness, stress, mental health issues and other illnesses on the increase, Kate Leaver decided to carry out some research with some rather shocking results.
Kate Leaver has suffered from depression on and off from a young age and always maintains her strong friendships have helped her and carried her through these difficult patches in her life. In The Friendship Cure, Kate delves deeper into our society speaking with experts in their respective fields, but also with people like you and me..
Fascinating reading, The Friendship Cure is published by Duckworth Overlook.
Recently I have started reading manifestos/memoirs. Each book that I have read has surprised me with the amount of research, the facts presented and the enthusiasm of the author for the topic they are presenting to us.
The Friendship Cure is a book I found particularly intriguing, which was obvious to anyone, as I carried it around with little sticky post-its marking every second page. Kate Leaver is a journalist writing for some very established and well known magazines and newspapers. Her experiences of friendship in the work environment and outside encouraged her to take a closer look at what it means to have a ‘real’ friend v the ‘toxic’ friend, how not having a close friend can damage your health, both now and in the future. She also studies male friendships, the bromance as we now refer to it.
Divided into twelve chapters Kate Leaver looks at:
What is friendship?
We are social animals
Squad goals and girlfriends
Bromance and guy love
Can men and women ever just be mates
Work wives and 9-5 husbands
Friend requests and liking people online
Friendship break-ups
The loneliness epidemic
Misery needs company
Friends with health benefits
Happily ever after
Each chapter goes into in-depth facts and figures, quoting studies and research undertaken across the globe, but Kate also brings her own personal research into her words. Using social media, Kate sent out tweets to anyone who could hear, with a shout-out for a specific topic. She was completely overwhelmed with the response and the willingness of people to share their story with her and ultimately with us.
I think for me the chapter that resonated most was the chapter on loneliness. ‘Loneliness is one of the most frightening certainties of the human experience. Very few people are immune, and those who claim never to have experienced it are most likely unwilling or unsure how to identify it’
There is something very, very sad about this statement. In a world where technology has made it possible to talk to friends at any time, no matter where in the world they may be, there are numerous individuals out there today who, for many reasons, are suffering from extreme loneliness. As we all know being alone and being lonely are two very different things. We might choose to be alone, but no-one really ever chooses to be lonely. Loneliness increases our chances of health issues in later years. Studies have shown an increase in dementia among folk who have no social circle, particularly the elderly in society. For many, this sense of complete loneliness is in the aftermath of a death of a spouse. ‘Becoming a widow is an experience of acute, excruciating loneliness. The person you’d chosen to accompany you through life is gone…..a deep sense of emotional isolation that sets in and never gives up on you’
Grief is just one example, but there are many other reasons for the onset of loneliness that impacts all generations, from the pre-schooler to the retired, from the stay-at-home mother/father to the person working in a very busy environment. We are all susceptible.
Kate Leaver touches on so many aspects of our lives today and how many of us are suffering in silence. She is passionate about how strengthening our friendships can help us find balance and peace. She is a true believer in the power of the internet, in it’s ability to bring people together. She is an advocate for clinging tightly to those friends who rise you up and removing those toxic friends who drag you down.
The Friendship Cure is packed full with very attainable goals for all of us, from our political leaders and policy makers, to the teenager who is just discovering who they really are and who they want to be. With Kate Leaver’s own personal stories mixed throughout and her own personal take on situations, The Friendship Cure has something for everyone.
The Friendship Cure is a book you dip in and out of, taking little bits away with you to consider and reflect upon. It is a manifesto, a declaration of ideas, an opportunity for us all to take back control of our relationships with our friends, our health and ultimately our happiness.
When I received my review copy I was struck by Kate’s three simple tips for lasting friendship so I’m going to leave them here for you to consider and I hope act on….
Make more time for the people who lift you up and less time for the ones who drag you down.
Stop performing and just be YOU with your friends – imperfections, silliness and all.
Pick up your phone and text someone you haven’t spoken to in a while, just so they know you’re thinking of them
The Friendship Cure is an exploration and a study of modern friendship by journalist Kate Leaver. Frustrated with the direction society has taken, with loneliness, stress, mental health issues and other illnesses on the increase, Kate Leaver decided to carry out some research with some rather shocking results.
Kate Leaver has suffered from depression on and off from a young age and always maintains her strong friendships have helped her and carried her through these difficult patches in her life. In The Friendship Cure, Kate delves deeper into our society speaking with experts in their respective fields, but also with people like you and me..
Fascinating reading, The Friendship Cure is published by Duckworth Overlook.
Recently I have started reading manifestos/memoirs. Each book that I have read has surprised me with the amount of research, the facts presented and the enthusiasm of the author for the topic they are presenting to us.
The Friendship Cure is a book I found particularly intriguing, which was obvious to anyone, as I carried it around with little sticky post-its marking every second page. Kate Leaver is a journalist writing for some very established and well known magazines and newspapers. Her experiences of friendship in the work environment and outside encouraged her to take a closer look at what it means to have a ‘real’ friend v the ‘toxic’ friend, how not having a close friend can damage your health, both now and in the future. She also studies male friendships, the bromance as we now refer to it.
Divided into twelve chapters Kate Leaver looks at:
What is friendship?
We are social animals
Squad goals and girlfriends
Bromance and guy love
Can men and women ever just be mates
Work wives and 9-5 husbands
Friend requests and liking people online
Friendship break-ups
The loneliness epidemic
Misery needs company
Friends with health benefits
Happily ever after
Each chapter goes into in-depth facts and figures, quoting studies and research undertaken across the globe, but Kate also brings her own personal research into her words. Using social media, Kate sent out tweets to anyone who could hear, with a shout-out for a specific topic. She was completely overwhelmed with the response and the willingness of people to share their story with her and ultimately with us.
I think for me the chapter that resonated most was the chapter on loneliness. ‘Loneliness is one of the most frightening certainties of the human experience. Very few people are immune, and those who claim never to have experienced it are most likely unwilling or unsure how to identify it’
There is something very, very sad about this statement. In a world where technology has made it possible to talk to friends at any time, no matter where in the world they may be, there are numerous individuals out there today who, for many reasons, are suffering from extreme loneliness. As we all know being alone and being lonely are two very different things. We might choose to be alone, but no-one really ever chooses to be lonely. Loneliness increases our chances of health issues in later years. Studies have shown an increase in dementia among folk who have no social circle, particularly the elderly in society. For many, this sense of complete loneliness is in the aftermath of a death of a spouse. ‘Becoming a widow is an experience of acute, excruciating loneliness. The person you’d chosen to accompany you through life is gone…..a deep sense of emotional isolation that sets in and never gives up on you’
Grief is just one example, but there are many other reasons for the onset of loneliness that impacts all generations, from the pre-schooler to the retired, from the stay-at-home mother/father to the person working in a very busy environment. We are all susceptible.
Kate Leaver touches on so many aspects of our lives today and how many of us are suffering in silence. She is passionate about how strengthening our friendships can help us find balance and peace. She is a true believer in the power of the internet, in it’s ability to bring people together. She is an advocate for clinging tightly to those friends who rise you up and removing those toxic friends who drag you down.
The Friendship Cure is packed full with very attainable goals for all of us, from our political leaders and policy makers, to the teenager who is just discovering who they really are and who they want to be. With Kate Leaver’s own personal stories mixed throughout and her own personal take on situations, The Friendship Cure has something for everyone.
The Friendship Cure is a book you dip in and out of, taking little bits away with you to consider and reflect upon. It is a manifesto, a declaration of ideas, an opportunity for us all to take back control of our relationships with our friends, our health and ultimately our happiness.
When I received my review copy I was struck by Kate’s three simple tips for lasting friendship so I’m going to leave them here for you to consider and I hope act on….
Make more time for the people who lift you up and less time for the ones who drag you down.
Stop performing and just be YOU with your friends – imperfections, silliness and all.
Pick up your phone and text someone you haven’t spoken to in a while, just so they know you’re thinking of them
July 8, 2022
2 stars
I knew this book wasn't for me when it said people usually have 150 friends
I knew this book wasn't for me when it said people usually have 150 friends
March 5, 2021
I gave up in chapter 5, “Can men and women ever be just mates?”. For a book that claims to be research based, it certainly is full of cringey stereotypes and personal experiences as well as pop-culture references presented as The Truth(TM).
Also, the author sounds awfully shallow and immature. So much “women do this, men do that” nonsense, as if there weren’t more or less 3.5 billions representatives of those two categories in the world, who belong to thousands of different cultures and act therefore differently. Not to mention the whole “gossip and alcohol as the very base of friendship”, “male-female friendship is based on insults, whereas female-female is based on compliments, because laughter is not a currency in female friendship”.
... WHAT?
What a cringy mess.
Also, the author sounds awfully shallow and immature. So much “women do this, men do that” nonsense, as if there weren’t more or less 3.5 billions representatives of those two categories in the world, who belong to thousands of different cultures and act therefore differently. Not to mention the whole “gossip and alcohol as the very base of friendship”, “male-female friendship is based on insults, whereas female-female is based on compliments, because laughter is not a currency in female friendship”.
... WHAT?
What a cringy mess.
January 20, 2019
This is one of the most wholesome, hopeful and startlingly real non-fiction books I’ve read in a long time. It’s written beautifully with balanced realism and humour. More so, it feels like a in-depth conversation with a close friend. Truly lovely.
Read
August 3, 2018Made me message all my friends immediately after reading.
April 26, 2018
I really enjoyed this! Informative and funny, I genuinely didn’t realise how important friendship is.
April 9, 2022
I've had this book on my TRB for a couple of years now, in my Amazon cart, waiting for it to come down from its prohibitive price, even on Kindle. Found it recently as an audiobook on Scribd, free with my subscription. Perfect.
The blurb says - "The Friendship Cure, looks at what friendship means, how it can survive, why we need it, and what we can do to get the most from it. Why do some friendships last a lifetime, while others are only temporary? How do you “break up"? with a toxic friend? How do you make friends as an adult? Can men and women really be platonic? What are the curative qualities of friendship, and how we can deploy friendship to actually live longer, better lives?"
A few takeaways for me -
1) We try to look for all aspects of closeness from a spouse or a "significant other", these words being the perfect pointer to our expectations. It's not possible, and even harmful for our relationship, to expect this, because no one person can be what or who you need at all times, and these expectations are also exactly what harms this relationship that we usually hold very close to our hearts.
2) Breaking up with an emotionally close friend can be as traumatic and as bad for your mental and physical health as the breakup of a romantic relationship or marriage, sometimes even more. We, as a society do not take this into account, that this can lead to equally intense grieving.
3) Emotionally nurturing friendships can be the one thing that keeps you away from loneliness, which is the biggest killer, and people who have a truly supportive and sustaining network of friendships have the best health despite everything else, and often live longer. "Loneliness is one of the most frightening certainties of the human experience. Very few people are immune, and those who claim never to have experienced it are most likely unwilling or unsure how to identify it."
4) Women are often at their most vulnerable after childbirth and as a new mom, when not only are they affected by the drastic hormonal changes that can affect their mental health, but they often do not have the mindspace, time, or energy to give to their friendships, and often fall off the grid. This further intensifies their loneliness and stress that is added to by the emotional labour of being responsible for a new, helpless, tiny human. It is your job as a friend to show up, and this is where social support systems like an empathetic family help. The author at this point directly addresses the partners of these young mothers, reminding them of their responsibility to pick up their share of childcare and other things to help her tide over this period. Even when the motherhood is not biological, much of the same things apply - because hormonal changes are known even while bonding with a baby you are responsible for, even though not birthed of your body.
5) Toxic friendships are a real thing, and there are many reasons the author discusses why we may get into one, how we can be trapped by this, and the possible ways to deal with the situation. One of the most important toxic "friendship" we encounter is a romantic relationship or marriage. Yes. I won't go into the details of that here.
Some other important themes are
1) Childhood friendships
2) Long term friendships that can often become your chosen family
3) Friendships made at various stages of life and how they matter in their own ways
4) Sisterhoods that sustain and hold you up - there's a lot on women's friendships
5) Friendships at work with their pluses and minuses
6) Social media and online friendships - and when these cross over into real life
7) Friendships lost to death - which includes loss of a spouse
8) "Performing" friendships
9) Friendships across generations
10) Long distance friendships
I do have one HUGE bone to pick, though. The book is mostly written for a cis het reader, and deals a lot with a heteronormative culture. Could have been more inclusive.
The blurb says - "The Friendship Cure, looks at what friendship means, how it can survive, why we need it, and what we can do to get the most from it. Why do some friendships last a lifetime, while others are only temporary? How do you “break up"? with a toxic friend? How do you make friends as an adult? Can men and women really be platonic? What are the curative qualities of friendship, and how we can deploy friendship to actually live longer, better lives?"
A few takeaways for me -
1) We try to look for all aspects of closeness from a spouse or a "significant other", these words being the perfect pointer to our expectations. It's not possible, and even harmful for our relationship, to expect this, because no one person can be what or who you need at all times, and these expectations are also exactly what harms this relationship that we usually hold very close to our hearts.
2) Breaking up with an emotionally close friend can be as traumatic and as bad for your mental and physical health as the breakup of a romantic relationship or marriage, sometimes even more. We, as a society do not take this into account, that this can lead to equally intense grieving.
3) Emotionally nurturing friendships can be the one thing that keeps you away from loneliness, which is the biggest killer, and people who have a truly supportive and sustaining network of friendships have the best health despite everything else, and often live longer. "Loneliness is one of the most frightening certainties of the human experience. Very few people are immune, and those who claim never to have experienced it are most likely unwilling or unsure how to identify it."
4) Women are often at their most vulnerable after childbirth and as a new mom, when not only are they affected by the drastic hormonal changes that can affect their mental health, but they often do not have the mindspace, time, or energy to give to their friendships, and often fall off the grid. This further intensifies their loneliness and stress that is added to by the emotional labour of being responsible for a new, helpless, tiny human. It is your job as a friend to show up, and this is where social support systems like an empathetic family help. The author at this point directly addresses the partners of these young mothers, reminding them of their responsibility to pick up their share of childcare and other things to help her tide over this period. Even when the motherhood is not biological, much of the same things apply - because hormonal changes are known even while bonding with a baby you are responsible for, even though not birthed of your body.
5) Toxic friendships are a real thing, and there are many reasons the author discusses why we may get into one, how we can be trapped by this, and the possible ways to deal with the situation. One of the most important toxic "friendship" we encounter is a romantic relationship or marriage. Yes. I won't go into the details of that here.
Some other important themes are
1) Childhood friendships
2) Long term friendships that can often become your chosen family
3) Friendships made at various stages of life and how they matter in their own ways
4) Sisterhoods that sustain and hold you up - there's a lot on women's friendships
5) Friendships at work with their pluses and minuses
6) Social media and online friendships - and when these cross over into real life
7) Friendships lost to death - which includes loss of a spouse
8) "Performing" friendships
9) Friendships across generations
10) Long distance friendships
I do have one HUGE bone to pick, though. The book is mostly written for a cis het reader, and deals a lot with a heteronormative culture. Could have been more inclusive.
July 18, 2020
3.5 stars
This is a very interesting book, in that it brings attention back on friendships instead of the romantic relationships we're all conditioned to focus on. I learned more on why friendship is such an important part of life, and have definitely marked some passages I want to come back to.
However, I do think this was a little too focused on the author's experiences. I wish there would have been more on friendship as a family, on LGBTQ+ people (especially in the chapter that focused on male-female friendship as it could have used a discussion on trans people), and how friendships might be different for minority groups.
I also disliked it when she used words like "ain't" at random. Coming from a white Australian woman living in the UK, it was so odd and out of place to see?
Overall, a really fascinating read. I'm glad I read it, am beyond happy I received it as a gift, and will definitely come back to it at some point in the future.
This is a very interesting book, in that it brings attention back on friendships instead of the romantic relationships we're all conditioned to focus on. I learned more on why friendship is such an important part of life, and have definitely marked some passages I want to come back to.
However, I do think this was a little too focused on the author's experiences. I wish there would have been more on friendship as a family, on LGBTQ+ people (especially in the chapter that focused on male-female friendship as it could have used a discussion on trans people), and how friendships might be different for minority groups.
I also disliked it when she used words like "ain't" at random. Coming from a white Australian woman living in the UK, it was so odd and out of place to see?
Overall, a really fascinating read. I'm glad I read it, am beyond happy I received it as a gift, and will definitely come back to it at some point in the future.
July 3, 2018
Journalist Kate Leaver’s The Friendship Cure is a timely read. She strongly believes that building and maintaining friendships is vital for people’s ongoing physical and mental health, rather than seeing friends as a distraction. And I think she’s right. We spend so much time being ‘busy, busy, busy’ that we end up becoming overwhelmed. What if a chat or coffee catch-up with a friend could help that?
The Friendship Cure is a worthwhile read not only for its message, but for the honesty in which Kate shares her own journey through darker times, and how friends have kept her going when the going got tough. It’s one to make you think … and then ring up a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while.
The Friendship Cure is a worthwhile read not only for its message, but for the honesty in which Kate shares her own journey through darker times, and how friends have kept her going when the going got tough. It’s one to make you think … and then ring up a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while.
September 30, 2019
3.5 stars - Some chapters were brilliant and others a bit of a let down, but overall an enjoyable read.
October 20, 2021
I think..... this is the worst book I've ever read?
September 25, 2019
Interesante, aunque reconozco que me he saltado páginas porque no podía más con tanta referencia a estudios y artículos.
February 14, 2021
[Hello I am trying to get over my fear of having an opinion about things and holding cultural capital so do not mind me as I write several reviews today of everything I have read so far in 2021! Or do mind me! You do you!]
I do not want to give negative reviews to a book simply because I was expecting something different from it, but Leaver's attempt at exploring friendship left me quite dissatisfied. In an attempt to combine scientific research with anecdotal passages, Leaver falls short in both aspects. Many of these chapters would read well as much shorter magazine articles, but felt empty and superfluous as a book.
Kate Leaver very much follows the rule of "writing about what you know", but that leaves this book feelign so very cis-gender, hetero-centered and gender normative, reads at times like extracts from "Women are form Venus, Men are from Mars", and although it poses some interesting points, the author moves quickly into annecdotes where she gets to flawn over her her well off, successful friends before getting a chance to dwell into any of her observations deep enough.
I gave it 3 stars (2.5, if goodreads would allow) because it still brought some interesting insight in certain topics, but this book didn't do much for me.
I do not want to give negative reviews to a book simply because I was expecting something different from it, but Leaver's attempt at exploring friendship left me quite dissatisfied. In an attempt to combine scientific research with anecdotal passages, Leaver falls short in both aspects. Many of these chapters would read well as much shorter magazine articles, but felt empty and superfluous as a book.
Kate Leaver very much follows the rule of "writing about what you know", but that leaves this book feelign so very cis-gender, hetero-centered and gender normative, reads at times like extracts from "Women are form Venus, Men are from Mars", and although it poses some interesting points, the author moves quickly into annecdotes where she gets to flawn over her her well off, successful friends before getting a chance to dwell into any of her observations deep enough.
I gave it 3 stars (2.5, if goodreads would allow) because it still brought some interesting insight in certain topics, but this book didn't do much for me.
December 30, 2019
Summary: This book is more like a 3.5. There are a lot of real gems in this book. But the writing style was a bit too "train of thought" for me. Also, there's a little too much reliance on popular television despite the fact there is great research that was done, as I can see in her notes.
The real problem with this book is it is written almost in train of thought. There are countless examples of paragraphs that - instead of just naturally leading from the previous one as should be the case in non-fiction start with (p. 13) "And so, let's go back to those...." It's as if there was no editor. That works only if you're talking to your friends. Not if you're talking to a nameless faceless audience.
It's sad, b/c if she'd organized in a different way this book would be easily 5 stars. There are some real gems here.
p. 16 - 150 friends and how it's broken down. Very cool.
p.17 - the study describing you are going to hit face recognition limits around 1500 people.
p. 19 - Identifies the oddity of forming friendships and presents theories. This should be its own better-developed chapter, to be fair. Alliance theory in politics is discussed briefly. She also shows a host of studies that demonstrate why that might be wrong.
p.24 - Women make friends differently than men, i.e. how they do it under stress and for the purpose of detracting from stress. This is poorly divided into various chapters. To train of thought, sadly, despite that, all the info is scattered throughout the book. Instead of drilling in on the science of female friendship she attempts to link to popular women movements and protests. Yes. these are great for bonding, but you're off point. Women help women is not the same as making friends. Why did you do that??? You were getting to an important point here.
p.50, she does a good job here about talking about the science of whether or not men and women can be friends and what the studies suggest. But then she makes the whole back half of the chapter about fictional characters and media portrayals. An alternative would be to go the next layer down and really dissect it. It's not that these portrayals are irrelevant. It's more that it doesn't come back to the point, i.e. can it be or can't it, and how does that work. It's more science says yes. Media says no. Now I'm going to move to the next topic.
p.63 - she gives the briefest change to office friendships. I think perhaps she's been a freelancer too long to appreciate what gold she could have struck just on this topic alone. She mentions work wife, but IMO really short-changed, especially since she's clearly done the work on male/female friendships.
p. 82 - she's got some interesting stuff on social media and friendship. This is important b/c she's talking about time investment and how social media does allow for some extension of that urgency to connect.
p. 95 - She talks briefly about loneliness. My goodness, this could be a whole book that she's jammed haphazardly here. But I love some of her points. Effect on cortisol, ideas of social rejection. P. 97, how to overcome it and why that is difficult, the Jo Cox Commission work. There is just some really good work, presented in a very average way given what is possible for all that work.
Then from page 102 - she goes into media and then opinion vs. a more hard conclusion that isn't just "We are kind of failing each other."
p. 111 - love the example on Sardinia. Could have opened with that, i.e. being connected with friends is a very high predictor of lifespan.
Then she recants the value of friends given she is single. I think she should have given this a particular chapter.
It's hard to write a book. This one seems like a trade-off between getting it done and writing it with a higher level of organization and writing fluency. If you can get through the style of her writing, you have a great reference. If you can't, I can see this being a real pain to read.
The real problem with this book is it is written almost in train of thought. There are countless examples of paragraphs that - instead of just naturally leading from the previous one as should be the case in non-fiction start with (p. 13) "And so, let's go back to those...." It's as if there was no editor. That works only if you're talking to your friends. Not if you're talking to a nameless faceless audience.
It's sad, b/c if she'd organized in a different way this book would be easily 5 stars. There are some real gems here.
p. 16 - 150 friends and how it's broken down. Very cool.
p.17 - the study describing you are going to hit face recognition limits around 1500 people.
p. 19 - Identifies the oddity of forming friendships and presents theories. This should be its own better-developed chapter, to be fair. Alliance theory in politics is discussed briefly. She also shows a host of studies that demonstrate why that might be wrong.
p.24 - Women make friends differently than men, i.e. how they do it under stress and for the purpose of detracting from stress. This is poorly divided into various chapters. To train of thought, sadly, despite that, all the info is scattered throughout the book. Instead of drilling in on the science of female friendship she attempts to link to popular women movements and protests. Yes. these are great for bonding, but you're off point. Women help women is not the same as making friends. Why did you do that??? You were getting to an important point here.
p.50, she does a good job here about talking about the science of whether or not men and women can be friends and what the studies suggest. But then she makes the whole back half of the chapter about fictional characters and media portrayals. An alternative would be to go the next layer down and really dissect it. It's not that these portrayals are irrelevant. It's more that it doesn't come back to the point, i.e. can it be or can't it, and how does that work. It's more science says yes. Media says no. Now I'm going to move to the next topic.
p.63 - she gives the briefest change to office friendships. I think perhaps she's been a freelancer too long to appreciate what gold she could have struck just on this topic alone. She mentions work wife, but IMO really short-changed, especially since she's clearly done the work on male/female friendships.
p. 82 - she's got some interesting stuff on social media and friendship. This is important b/c she's talking about time investment and how social media does allow for some extension of that urgency to connect.
p. 95 - She talks briefly about loneliness. My goodness, this could be a whole book that she's jammed haphazardly here. But I love some of her points. Effect on cortisol, ideas of social rejection. P. 97, how to overcome it and why that is difficult, the Jo Cox Commission work. There is just some really good work, presented in a very average way given what is possible for all that work.
Then from page 102 - she goes into media and then opinion vs. a more hard conclusion that isn't just "We are kind of failing each other."
p. 111 - love the example on Sardinia. Could have opened with that, i.e. being connected with friends is a very high predictor of lifespan.
Then she recants the value of friends given she is single. I think she should have given this a particular chapter.
It's hard to write a book. This one seems like a trade-off between getting it done and writing it with a higher level of organization and writing fluency. If you can get through the style of her writing, you have a great reference. If you can't, I can see this being a real pain to read.
January 29, 2018
A genuinely lovely and intelligent deep-dive investigation of friendship - in all its different forms, joys, and challenges. Early chapters on types of friendships were thoroughly interesting but I found the later sections tackling loneliness, friendship breakups, and friendship and mental health to be the book at its absolute best. Funny, warm, and important reading!
March 26, 2018
Considering this is a non-fiction book (which I don't read a lot of as I find them too dry), I really enjoyed this! Leaver's personality shines through and she has such a likeable narrative voice that fits the subject matter perfectly and makes you instantly wish she was your friend. She includes many heart-warming stories and personal anecdotes which make the whole experience of reading this book very enjoyable. I did not expect to be laughing so much, but the pop culture references were so relevant and funny.
I found the subject matter in this book fascinating. I loved all of the evolutionary psychology stuff and the scientific evidence that the author provided (hooray for backing up points with real evidence! This is so often missing in these kinds of books). She even referenced someone whom I studied heavily in my final year of university and it made me so nerdily happy!
There were times I found this slightly uncomfortable reading. The author is a strong advocate of putting ourselves out there and really making the effort to keep up with our platonic relationships. As someone who struggles with anxiety, meeting up with friends can often be difficult for me (especially when I'm trying to cultivate new friendships and haven't yet disclosed my mental health status). I did, on occasion, feel bad about myself while reading this book - however, I'm sure this was not the intention of the author and there were other passages that I found comforting, especially when she discussed her own depression, so it did ultimately balance out. This is an entirely personal issue and does not reflect the quality of the book (which I believe to be excellent).
I found the subject matter in this book fascinating. I loved all of the evolutionary psychology stuff and the scientific evidence that the author provided (hooray for backing up points with real evidence! This is so often missing in these kinds of books). She even referenced someone whom I studied heavily in my final year of university and it made me so nerdily happy!
There were times I found this slightly uncomfortable reading. The author is a strong advocate of putting ourselves out there and really making the effort to keep up with our platonic relationships. As someone who struggles with anxiety, meeting up with friends can often be difficult for me (especially when I'm trying to cultivate new friendships and haven't yet disclosed my mental health status). I did, on occasion, feel bad about myself while reading this book - however, I'm sure this was not the intention of the author and there were other passages that I found comforting, especially when she discussed her own depression, so it did ultimately balance out. This is an entirely personal issue and does not reflect the quality of the book (which I believe to be excellent).
January 25, 2019
"A compelling, fresh and thought-provoking exploration of friendship - what it is, how to keep it, and why we need it more than ever before.
Friendship is like water. We need it to survive, we crave it when it's scarce, it runs through our veins and yet we forget its value simply because it's always available. The basic compulsion to make friends is in our DNA; we've evolved, chimp-like, to seek out connection with other human beings. We move through life in packs and friendship circles and yet we are stuck in the greatest loneliness epidemic of our time. It's killing us, making us miserable and causing a public health crisis. But what if friendship is the solution, not the distraction?
Journalist Kate Leaver believes that friendship is the essential cure for the modern malaise of solitude, ignorance, ill health and angst. If we only treated camaraderie as a social priority, it could affect everything from our physical health and emotional well-being to our capacity to find a home, keep a job, get married, stay married, succeed, feed and understand ourselves.
In this witty, smart book - an appealing blend of science, pop culture and memoir - she meets scientists, speaks to old friends, finds extraordinary stories and uncovers research to look at what friendship is, how it feels, where it can survive, why we need it and what we can do to get the most from it - and how we might change the world if we value it properly."
Friendship is like water. We need it to survive, we crave it when it's scarce, it runs through our veins and yet we forget its value simply because it's always available. The basic compulsion to make friends is in our DNA; we've evolved, chimp-like, to seek out connection with other human beings. We move through life in packs and friendship circles and yet we are stuck in the greatest loneliness epidemic of our time. It's killing us, making us miserable and causing a public health crisis. But what if friendship is the solution, not the distraction?
Journalist Kate Leaver believes that friendship is the essential cure for the modern malaise of solitude, ignorance, ill health and angst. If we only treated camaraderie as a social priority, it could affect everything from our physical health and emotional well-being to our capacity to find a home, keep a job, get married, stay married, succeed, feed and understand ourselves.
In this witty, smart book - an appealing blend of science, pop culture and memoir - she meets scientists, speaks to old friends, finds extraordinary stories and uncovers research to look at what friendship is, how it feels, where it can survive, why we need it and what we can do to get the most from it - and how we might change the world if we value it properly."
June 18, 2020
I certainly did not get what I was hoping to get out of this. First of all, the title is misleading for sure. There are bits of advice here and there, but certainly no systematic, detailed or helpful guide for maintaining good friendships.
What irritated me even more was that this is such a subjective account of the author's friendships and friendships she can imagine, which means major limitations. And while there is a study mentioned here or there, there's definitely not enough science provided that it would back up some of the (frankly sometimes irritating) claims the author makes. Not to mention that there's no list of sources provided for the studies that are mentioned.
If you're into a collection of friendship "case studies" from the author's life and some interviews and a look at some friendships in media, then sure, this book might be interesting. But if you want an in-depth, enlightening, and scientific discussion of the topic, this is probably not the book for you (with the exception of chapter 11, maybe.
What irritated me even more was that this is such a subjective account of the author's friendships and friendships she can imagine, which means major limitations. And while there is a study mentioned here or there, there's definitely not enough science provided that it would back up some of the (frankly sometimes irritating) claims the author makes. Not to mention that there's no list of sources provided for the studies that are mentioned.
If you're into a collection of friendship "case studies" from the author's life and some interviews and a look at some friendships in media, then sure, this book might be interesting. But if you want an in-depth, enlightening, and scientific discussion of the topic, this is probably not the book for you (with the exception of chapter 11, maybe.
September 13, 2019
I don't think this book has anything to offer anyone older than the author. It is all about her experiences of friendship, which have been limited at her stage of life. May be worth reading if you are in your teens - although I wouldn't recommend (as the author appears to) getting drunk as a great strategy for making friends that will last.
I had to skip through a few chapters, because even though I listened to the book while doing other things, I still felt like I was wasting time.
The narration of the audiobook didn't help. The reader has some very strange pronunciations which unfortunately took my attention away from the meaning of the words. This was not a matter of accent, (I have the same accent); it seemed to be lack of familiarity with the standard way to pronounce various words.
I had to skip through a few chapters, because even though I listened to the book while doing other things, I still felt like I was wasting time.
The narration of the audiobook didn't help. The reader has some very strange pronunciations which unfortunately took my attention away from the meaning of the words. This was not a matter of accent, (I have the same accent); it seemed to be lack of familiarity with the standard way to pronounce various words.
June 11, 2020
In a course once, I was taught about the menu and the meal. You order something off of a menu and in your head you paint a picture of what that meal will look like based on the bits of info you have there. But sometimes the meal comes and, while still accurate to what has been written on the menu, is totally different to what you had imagined.
This book is like that. There are plenty of other reviews to explain what the book is like, and I don't need to further add to the pile of criticism. At the end of the day, I'm sure there are people out there who would love to eat this particular meal.
As a sidenote, this particular meal was described as being like Jon Ronson's writing, by a quote on the back of the book. There is merit in this book, I am sure, but it is NOTHING like Jon's work. Jon Ronson would never spend three pages explaining the plot of When Harry Met Sally.
This book is like that. There are plenty of other reviews to explain what the book is like, and I don't need to further add to the pile of criticism. At the end of the day, I'm sure there are people out there who would love to eat this particular meal.
As a sidenote, this particular meal was described as being like Jon Ronson's writing, by a quote on the back of the book. There is merit in this book, I am sure, but it is NOTHING like Jon's work. Jon Ronson would never spend three pages explaining the plot of When Harry Met Sally.
November 23, 2018
Most of the book feels like a personal account on what friendship is like to the author and what it means in relation to mental illness, aging, long distance, online friendships, friendship between different sexes as well as other aspects. There's a lot of stories from people in her life, stories shared via the internet and interviews of people she tracked down and sat with, all of whom discuss friendship in the aforementioned different ascpets. She does reference a number of studies when sharing certain points. However it feels more like a chat with a friend or a long article, so that's just a lil warning before going into it. It was a really easy read and at times I really wished for it to go deeper or more research based but I did enjoy it for what it was or what it set out to say.
November 17, 2018
Quick, easy read. No great insights, fairly predictable conclusions. Friendships are more important than we often give them credit for.
June 27, 2019
Loved the beginning of this book but my interest really dropped off at the end.
I really enjoyed all the discussions about toxic friendships, male&female friendships, friendship break ups and the like. I specially connected with the part about friendship break ups and how we don’t have a lot of language and society to deal with these things. When you get dumped by her boyfriend there’s a ritual, there’s things you do, things people say, everyone knows how it works. But what do you do when your best friend dumps you?
I Definitely recommend this is if you are into non fiction and are interested in the subject matter
May 4, 2020
For a book that claims to have a 'cure' in the title, it was much more descriptive than prescriptive. Describing the current state of friendship is fine, but it isn't really what I would expect out of a book whose title seems to claim that it has a cure for some of the friendship problems. For example there is an entire chapter that just goes through study after study showing that friendship is good for your physical health. Ok great. Friendship is good for you. I'm convinced. But now what do I do if I don't have friends? There are some suggestions like making societal and public health changes. Fine things to shoot for, but not very helpful for a lonely or friendless person. A lot of the advice in this book is in the form of platitudes like 'stay connected with your family' or 'make time to pursue friendships' and there really isn't much that would actually lead to a 'cure' for those struggling with friendship.
I also inhabit a very different world than the author. For one thing I'm a man and the book is definitely more directed at women, which is fine and sometime even interesting. However, the author also lives in a very culturally different world than I do. Many of the examples and stories spook to things that I couldn't really connect to. There was also a degree of 'side taking' that went on in the book (for example I'm not sure what hating Donald Trump and walking around in pussy hats has to do with friendship - Those things have to do with politics and solidarity and group actions, but not so much friendship). I know we all have our biases and agendas and we can't really get away from them, but I feel like this book could sometime veer a little too far into flaunting a certain agenda at the expense of actually trying to find a cure for the difficulties we face in modern friendship.
It was a well written book. Easy to read and nice interspersion of humor and stories to keep things interesting. There were a few nuggets and reminders in this book that I found helpful, but overall I would say that much of this book was just repeating the currently 'received wisdom' and didn't really advance the conversation on how to keep and improve friendships in the modern era that much.
I also inhabit a very different world than the author. For one thing I'm a man and the book is definitely more directed at women, which is fine and sometime even interesting. However, the author also lives in a very culturally different world than I do. Many of the examples and stories spook to things that I couldn't really connect to. There was also a degree of 'side taking' that went on in the book (for example I'm not sure what hating Donald Trump and walking around in pussy hats has to do with friendship - Those things have to do with politics and solidarity and group actions, but not so much friendship). I know we all have our biases and agendas and we can't really get away from them, but I feel like this book could sometime veer a little too far into flaunting a certain agenda at the expense of actually trying to find a cure for the difficulties we face in modern friendship.
It was a well written book. Easy to read and nice interspersion of humor and stories to keep things interesting. There were a few nuggets and reminders in this book that I found helpful, but overall I would say that much of this book was just repeating the currently 'received wisdom' and didn't really advance the conversation on how to keep and improve friendships in the modern era that much.
October 27, 2021
Maybe reading all the negative reviews spoiled my own experience of the book thereafter? Because I couldn’t get that critical voice out of my head — it’s a deeply biased, and personal account of friendship.
The most interesting chapter for me were the chapters on male-to-male friendships, and opposite gender friendships. Close second would be work friendship, and some bits within female friendships and friendships after you’ve gotten married. The other chapters fell short of its premise (Technology and Friendships, Loneliness, Mental Health and Friendships).
I think the key to enjoying the book though, is to lower your expectations. The author is a journalist who writes about “women, pop culture and mental health” — with some publications found on “Refinery29 and Glamour UK” (I’ve cherry picked. She’s also published on Guardian, and British Vogue — still, neither are exactly scientific journals). Consequently, the book sounds like an article you could find on one of these news sites (specifically, Refinery29).
My biggest gripe though, is her chapter on mental health. She expresses a lot of anger towards friends who aren’t more supportive of their friends who are suffering mental illness, citing her own experience of wonderfully supportive and involved friends and family. I felt really uncomfortable with her level of anger. I thought a mental illness experience gives you a deeper well for compassion? Helps you understand the invisible burden people shoulder? Supporting someone with mental illness is difficult; it’s not just weathering the storms of the patient, but also managing your own reactions. I sound like I’m a carer 😂 I’m not; I’ve experienced a deepening of compassion. Maybe she has deeper concerns she needs to unpack with the therapist she frequently shares that she sees?
And along those lines — I think this book’s greatest selling point, is how it feels like you’re having a conversation with a friend about friendship. They’re sharing with you personal life experiences in abundance, peppered with some things they’ve googled or heard about from a professional. It’s not intellectually challenging, but it’s got that magical, mercurial wisdom found in unexpectedly deep but fleeting conversations with friends.
The most interesting chapter for me were the chapters on male-to-male friendships, and opposite gender friendships. Close second would be work friendship, and some bits within female friendships and friendships after you’ve gotten married. The other chapters fell short of its premise (Technology and Friendships, Loneliness, Mental Health and Friendships).
I think the key to enjoying the book though, is to lower your expectations. The author is a journalist who writes about “women, pop culture and mental health” — with some publications found on “Refinery29 and Glamour UK” (I’ve cherry picked. She’s also published on Guardian, and British Vogue — still, neither are exactly scientific journals). Consequently, the book sounds like an article you could find on one of these news sites (specifically, Refinery29).
My biggest gripe though, is her chapter on mental health. She expresses a lot of anger towards friends who aren’t more supportive of their friends who are suffering mental illness, citing her own experience of wonderfully supportive and involved friends and family. I felt really uncomfortable with her level of anger. I thought a mental illness experience gives you a deeper well for compassion? Helps you understand the invisible burden people shoulder? Supporting someone with mental illness is difficult; it’s not just weathering the storms of the patient, but also managing your own reactions. I sound like I’m a carer 😂 I’m not; I’ve experienced a deepening of compassion. Maybe she has deeper concerns she needs to unpack with the therapist she frequently shares that she sees?
And along those lines — I think this book’s greatest selling point, is how it feels like you’re having a conversation with a friend about friendship. They’re sharing with you personal life experiences in abundance, peppered with some things they’ve googled or heard about from a professional. It’s not intellectually challenging, but it’s got that magical, mercurial wisdom found in unexpectedly deep but fleeting conversations with friends.
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