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The Secret Life of the Cheating Wife: Power, Pragmatism, and Pleasure in Women's Infidelity
In certain marriages, behind smiling family photographs, are everyday women who carry dangerous and delectable secrets. In this revealing new book, they tell their stories. Unwilling to divorce, but frustrated by sexual boredom and the tedium of modern middle class life, their affairs serve as a release valve for an otherwise stultifying reality. Full of contradictions, Walker’s interviewees offer a window onto the ‘cheating wife,’ one that challenges our assumptions about women, power, morality, and monogamy itself. (Lisa Wade, Occidental College)
This fascinating and well written book develops a sociology of infidelity, bringing insight into marriage, monogamy, relationships, and internet dating that will be useful for researchers examining relationships, professors teaching classes about the family, sexuality, and gender, and counselors of patients who are involved with infidelity. I was intrigued by the details of how women who cheat think about their actions, form and negotiate the details of their affairs, and the benefits and drawbacks they get from those affairs. The distinct social norms around affairs reveal what we often take for granted in other relationships. Many of my assumptions about affairs were overturned, and it was a fun read too! (Arielle Kuperberg, The University of North Carolina at Greensboro)
The Secret Life of the Cheating Wife challenges gendered stereotypes and expectations of what and how women desire. Using compelling data, Walker demonstrates both diversity and commonality among unfaithful women and, in a truly sociological way, makes sense of the complexity of this stigmatized identity. A great read for anyone interested in sexualities in the digital age. (Beth Montemurro, Penn State University, Abington)
This fascinating and well written book develops a sociology of infidelity, bringing insight into marriage, monogamy, relationships, and internet dating that will be useful for researchers examining relationships, professors teaching classes about the family, sexuality, and gender, and counselors of patients who are involved with infidelity. I was intrigued by the details of how women who cheat think about their actions, form and negotiate the details of their affairs, and the benefits and drawbacks they get from those affairs. The distinct social norms around affairs reveal what we often take for granted in other relationships. Many of my assumptions about affairs were overturned, and it was a fun read too! (Arielle Kuperberg, The University of North Carolina at Greensboro)
The Secret Life of the Cheating Wife challenges gendered stereotypes and expectations of what and how women desire. Using compelling data, Walker demonstrates both diversity and commonality among unfaithful women and, in a truly sociological way, makes sense of the complexity of this stigmatized identity. A great read for anyone interested in sexualities in the digital age. (Beth Montemurro, Penn State University, Abington)
- GenresRelationships
218 pages, Unknown Binding
Published November 15, 2017
21 people are currently reading
186 people want to read
About the author
Alicia M. Walker
3 books26 followersAssociate Professor of sociology at Missouri State University.
Her latest book, Bound by BDSM: Unexpected Lessons in Building a Happier Life, explores what kink can teach all of us—yes, even the vanilla among us—about trust, communication, connection, and radical honesty. Drawing on in-depth interviews with over 2,400 kink practitioners, the book debunks common myths and reveals how BDSM relationships often model the kind of intentionality and emotional clarity many people crave. Smart, surprising, and deeply human, Bound by BDSM is for anyone who's ever wondered what kink is really about—and what they might learn from it without ever picking up a whip.
Her second book, Chasing Masculinity: Men, Validation, and Infidelity, looks at men's experience with infidelity and their perceptions and motivations. Men reported a tremendous need for praise and validation from romantic partners, and believed their wives to be disinterested and disappointed in them. This book analyzes men’s experiences and perceptions regarding their participation in infidelity and offers a glimpse into the inner workings of their most intimate relationships, as well as the ways men negotiate marriages that fall short of their expectations. Like her previous book, this challenges commonly-held assumptions about infidelity.
Her first book, The Secret Life of the Cheating Wife: Power, Pragmatism, and Pleasure in Women's Infidelity, is about women's navigation of outside partnerships alongside primary partnerships, and gives voices to women's lived experiences. The book has been discussed in articles published in The New York Times, and CNN, among others.
Before receiving her PhD in sociology at the University of Kentucky, Alicia earned a MEd in educational leadership from Texas State University, and a BA in English from the University of Tampa.
She is primarily interested in intimate sexual relationships, gender and sex,
sexual behavior and identity. In particular, she's interested in closeted behavior. Her research strives to uncover the underlying dynamics of intimate relationships to understand their quality, content and forms of those ties, and the impact they have on quality of life for the individual as well as others in their social network, as well as the impact of gendered expectations on our behaviors and attitudes, and our own understanding and navigation of our behaviors and attitudes.
In her free time, she enjoys spending time with her family (adult children, husband, mother) with whom she is close, and her beloved rescue dog, Harvey. She also enjoys traveling, great movies, playing cards, and collecting statues of the goddesses of love, marriage, and fertility (as they relate to her work).
Her latest book, Bound by BDSM: Unexpected Lessons in Building a Happier Life, explores what kink can teach all of us—yes, even the vanilla among us—about trust, communication, connection, and radical honesty. Drawing on in-depth interviews with over 2,400 kink practitioners, the book debunks common myths and reveals how BDSM relationships often model the kind of intentionality and emotional clarity many people crave. Smart, surprising, and deeply human, Bound by BDSM is for anyone who's ever wondered what kink is really about—and what they might learn from it without ever picking up a whip.
Her second book, Chasing Masculinity: Men, Validation, and Infidelity, looks at men's experience with infidelity and their perceptions and motivations. Men reported a tremendous need for praise and validation from romantic partners, and believed their wives to be disinterested and disappointed in them. This book analyzes men’s experiences and perceptions regarding their participation in infidelity and offers a glimpse into the inner workings of their most intimate relationships, as well as the ways men negotiate marriages that fall short of their expectations. Like her previous book, this challenges commonly-held assumptions about infidelity.
Her first book, The Secret Life of the Cheating Wife: Power, Pragmatism, and Pleasure in Women's Infidelity, is about women's navigation of outside partnerships alongside primary partnerships, and gives voices to women's lived experiences. The book has been discussed in articles published in The New York Times, and CNN, among others.
Before receiving her PhD in sociology at the University of Kentucky, Alicia earned a MEd in educational leadership from Texas State University, and a BA in English from the University of Tampa.
She is primarily interested in intimate sexual relationships, gender and sex,
sexual behavior and identity. In particular, she's interested in closeted behavior. Her research strives to uncover the underlying dynamics of intimate relationships to understand their quality, content and forms of those ties, and the impact they have on quality of life for the individual as well as others in their social network, as well as the impact of gendered expectations on our behaviors and attitudes, and our own understanding and navigation of our behaviors and attitudes.
In her free time, she enjoys spending time with her family (adult children, husband, mother) with whom she is close, and her beloved rescue dog, Harvey. She also enjoys traveling, great movies, playing cards, and collecting statues of the goddesses of love, marriage, and fertility (as they relate to her work).
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Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews
March 22, 2018
Dreadful incomplete analysis: Like asking people in the off-licence why consuming tins of Carlsberg is so worthwhile..
I'm still in complete shock that Alice Miller thinks that she can charge £67.11 for a Kindle consisting of 204 pages. That to me is a huge red flag. It just doesn't make any sense to charge that amount of money for a Kindle. It also indicates that she has a very high opinion of herself. And of her writing. Which doesn't endear me to her as an author. The price is not justifiable.
Having had a look at the sample of the Kindle. Nothing in the sample has made me think that the book is good even if it was being sold for six or 7 pounds like other kindles.
My main objection to her analysis is as follows. She is relying primarily on a self-selected group of women who volunteer to take part in a website devoted exclusively as a platform to help people cheat on their partners. Outside of that she refers liberally to the parts of cartoons, films and TV shows in order to illustrate some of her points. I can't believe someone is trying to sell me a Kindle for £67.11 p while drawing conclusions based on the plots of mainstream television.
Even if that were not the case. I see massive gaps in her reasoning. She makes no reference whatsoever to the work of Patrick Carnes. The work of other authors which are in complete contradiction to her analysis. I see so many things she has left out. She should have made reference at the very least to the commentary from SLAA groups for instance. It's shocking that she's left out these huge chunks of reasoning. Unbelievable given that she has the gall to try and charge people a huge sum of money for this book.
Mainly I question why on earth she thinks this self-selecting group use the cheating webpage is a good place to start for an accurate reflection about what is actually going on when people cheat. To me that’s no different than going to the off-licence and asking all the people that walk away with bottles of wine in brown paper bags why drinking alcohol is such a good idea. I just don’t think you’re going to get the right kind of answers from people who are right in the middle of acting out.
Also she makes this stupid conclusion about what she thinks happiness is not happiness is doesn’t really delve into that any further. I found the whole analysis terribly annoying and stupid. It was very very superficial but mainly I just thought it was a very stupid idea to kind of go to the infidelity off-licence which is the webpage for cheating people, and ask people why they enjoy acting out and what the benefits of acting out. Of course the people who say they are acting out are going to justify it in their own minds. It’s the same it if you talk to paedophiles about why they act the way they do. A paedophile will never turn round to you and say I understand that what I’m doing constitutes abuse and is terribly cruel to the victim. A paedophile will always justify their acting out by saying that the victim isn’t really a victim, and that they enjoy the experience. And they believe this wholeheartedly. In other words what I’m trying to say is that when you engage in destructive behaviour there’s a tendency to justify that in your own mind find reasons why you think it’s a good thing. So I think it’s a very skewed perspective and loaded with justification, rationalisation and just inaccuracies when you go straight to the people who are acting act and ask them to tell you about why acting out as a good thing. So basically the conclusion I draw is that Alice Miller is unbelievably stupid in her analysis. It doesn’t make sense. It’s very superficial. It leaves out massive chunks of the commentary from the likes of Patrick Carnes and from people who have learned how to not act out in this area. So basically it’s rubbish. Personally I think a much better analysis can be found in the book called the truth an uncomfortable book about relationships by Neil Strauss. The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book About RelationshipsI'm not saying this has all the answers but I think it's a much better analysis.
I'm still in complete shock that Alice Miller thinks that she can charge £67.11 for a Kindle consisting of 204 pages. That to me is a huge red flag. It just doesn't make any sense to charge that amount of money for a Kindle. It also indicates that she has a very high opinion of herself. And of her writing. Which doesn't endear me to her as an author. The price is not justifiable.
Having had a look at the sample of the Kindle. Nothing in the sample has made me think that the book is good even if it was being sold for six or 7 pounds like other kindles.
My main objection to her analysis is as follows. She is relying primarily on a self-selected group of women who volunteer to take part in a website devoted exclusively as a platform to help people cheat on their partners. Outside of that she refers liberally to the parts of cartoons, films and TV shows in order to illustrate some of her points. I can't believe someone is trying to sell me a Kindle for £67.11 p while drawing conclusions based on the plots of mainstream television.
Even if that were not the case. I see massive gaps in her reasoning. She makes no reference whatsoever to the work of Patrick Carnes. The work of other authors which are in complete contradiction to her analysis. I see so many things she has left out. She should have made reference at the very least to the commentary from SLAA groups for instance. It's shocking that she's left out these huge chunks of reasoning. Unbelievable given that she has the gall to try and charge people a huge sum of money for this book.
Mainly I question why on earth she thinks this self-selecting group use the cheating webpage is a good place to start for an accurate reflection about what is actually going on when people cheat. To me that’s no different than going to the off-licence and asking all the people that walk away with bottles of wine in brown paper bags why drinking alcohol is such a good idea. I just don’t think you’re going to get the right kind of answers from people who are right in the middle of acting out.
Also she makes this stupid conclusion about what she thinks happiness is not happiness is doesn’t really delve into that any further. I found the whole analysis terribly annoying and stupid. It was very very superficial but mainly I just thought it was a very stupid idea to kind of go to the infidelity off-licence which is the webpage for cheating people, and ask people why they enjoy acting out and what the benefits of acting out. Of course the people who say they are acting out are going to justify it in their own minds. It’s the same it if you talk to paedophiles about why they act the way they do. A paedophile will never turn round to you and say I understand that what I’m doing constitutes abuse and is terribly cruel to the victim. A paedophile will always justify their acting out by saying that the victim isn’t really a victim, and that they enjoy the experience. And they believe this wholeheartedly. In other words what I’m trying to say is that when you engage in destructive behaviour there’s a tendency to justify that in your own mind find reasons why you think it’s a good thing. So I think it’s a very skewed perspective and loaded with justification, rationalisation and just inaccuracies when you go straight to the people who are acting act and ask them to tell you about why acting out as a good thing. So basically the conclusion I draw is that Alice Miller is unbelievably stupid in her analysis. It doesn’t make sense. It’s very superficial. It leaves out massive chunks of the commentary from the likes of Patrick Carnes and from people who have learned how to not act out in this area. So basically it’s rubbish. Personally I think a much better analysis can be found in the book called the truth an uncomfortable book about relationships by Neil Strauss. The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book About RelationshipsI'm not saying this has all the answers but I think it's a much better analysis.
October 23, 2020
This book gives insight into the motivations of women who engage in sexual encounters with outside partners while married. It demonstrates that outside partnerships can be a site for empowerment, sexual satisfaction, and a coping mechanism for women. I highly recommend this book for those who wish to gain a deeper understanding of why women indulge in secret liaisons.
August 11, 2019
The writer just gives couple of statements from some women who used the website and are happy. For this kind of book, a longitudinal study would be best, which will examine later lives of those women. Are they depressed, or still “happy”. And because cheating is clearly associated with lying, I would like to see studies about lying and human psyche.
August 23, 2018
An illuminating look at why women cheat and the surprising benefits those relationships bring to their marriages. A real eye-opener that I will read again
August 22, 2018
In The Secret Life of the Cheating Wife, Dr. Alicia Walker examines one of the most depressed and ignored aspects of our society: women's infidelity. It has become common and almost accepted for men to have affairs of any type, but there has never been a large discussion or study performed on whether and how women engage in affairs.
Using a sample from Ashley Madison, Dr. Walker interviews and surveys women who for one reason or another choose to remain in their marriages while taking an outside sexual partner. Most attributed these affairs to tense relations with their spouse and/or their personal needs being ignored or going unmet and not prioritized. These women "break the binary" in the sense of participating in what is commonly believed and understood to be a male-only or male-dominated activity. These women share stories of their generally unexciting, standard daily lives and their participation in activities that allow them to be sexually satisfied and experience a sense of power they may otherwise not have experienced.
A well composed and thought provoking read, The Secret Life of the Cheating Wife will cause readers to question the social constructions of society today and re-frame their thoughts surrounding gender stereotypes, the portrayal of women's sexuality in media, and give insight into the details surrounding women's infidelity. A highly recommended book for anyone interested in human sexuality, infidelity, sociology, or our current social constructions regarding relationships and marriage.
Using a sample from Ashley Madison, Dr. Walker interviews and surveys women who for one reason or another choose to remain in their marriages while taking an outside sexual partner. Most attributed these affairs to tense relations with their spouse and/or their personal needs being ignored or going unmet and not prioritized. These women "break the binary" in the sense of participating in what is commonly believed and understood to be a male-only or male-dominated activity. These women share stories of their generally unexciting, standard daily lives and their participation in activities that allow them to be sexually satisfied and experience a sense of power they may otherwise not have experienced.
A well composed and thought provoking read, The Secret Life of the Cheating Wife will cause readers to question the social constructions of society today and re-frame their thoughts surrounding gender stereotypes, the portrayal of women's sexuality in media, and give insight into the details surrounding women's infidelity. A highly recommended book for anyone interested in human sexuality, infidelity, sociology, or our current social constructions regarding relationships and marriage.
April 6, 2022
This book was a bit of a mess. There was a lot of good in chapters 1 and 2 but the rest of the book seemed to be about reiterating that same information but in greater detail. All of this would be fine if there was actually more to unpack but if you didn't understand it by the end of chapter 2 then I don't know what to say.
Also, the women here contradicted themselves (by saying one thing must be a rule just to letter break that rule a few times) a few times so it doesn't really seem like they fully understood why they were cheating or what they wanted from these outside relationships. I feel like this weakens the interpretation of the surveys
All in all... 40+ women ain't enough for this. There's definitely something interesting in this entire topic but this isn't the book unfortunately. Chapters 1 and 2 are the peak. Everything else is a chore.
Also, the women here contradicted themselves (by saying one thing must be a rule just to letter break that rule a few times) a few times so it doesn't really seem like they fully understood why they were cheating or what they wanted from these outside relationships. I feel like this weakens the interpretation of the surveys
All in all... 40+ women ain't enough for this. There's definitely something interesting in this entire topic but this isn't the book unfortunately. Chapters 1 and 2 are the peak. Everything else is a chore.
April 17, 2019
Provocative arguments (haha) about gender and sexuality. Definitely made me think about gender roles and the restrictive nature of monogamy, which is so engrained I had to keep reminding myself to try not to judge these women! However, the sample size and source of participants make it difficult to say how applicable it is to the general public.
August 29, 2024
Interesting research. While it is interesting to know where these women stand, I wonder how reflective this is of the society and the role that men play in marriages.
Too long and repetitive in terms of writing, found myself skim reading after I was half way through it. Writing could have been structured better and crisper
Too long and repetitive in terms of writing, found myself skim reading after I was half way through it. Writing could have been structured better and crisper
August 23, 2018
I would highly recommend this book to everyone. The women in this study show an interesting view on modern marriages that are not seen very often. This book would be an amazing read to men and women alike. This book has been a great addition to academia!
July 26, 2020
Interesting content, but the writing made it a bit of a long haul to get through.
May 21, 2024
Fun topic, fun participants, "fascinating women" (p. xxxix).
August 23, 2018
This is surprising revelation of a modern marriage . It offers a new solution besides a divorce for marriages that aren't working for the women. Hats off to these brave women that will find a way to meet their own needs without putting their children through a divorce or destroying the parts of the marriage that works. Its something to contemplate. This is not the story of infidelity in the 1950's.
Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews