What do you think?
Rate this book
Arterburn Wellness
Understanding and Loving a Person with Borderline Personality Disorder: Biblical and Practical Wisdom to Build Empathy, Preserve Boundaries, and Show Compassion
This book is for anyone who thought they were good friends with someone, only to be yelled at unexpectedly, for anyone who has a coworker who twists others’ words, or for anyone who has a spouse who is violent and accusatory. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental illness that can make loved ones feel as if it is their fault. Stephen Arterburn and Dr. Robert Wise wants readers to know it’s not their fault and there is hope. In this book, they offer readers advice on how to relate to people with BPD at home, work, and church. Readers don’t need to feel alone any longer. Help is on the way.
- GenresPsychologyCounselling
156 pages, Kindle Edition
Published October 1, 2017
35 people are currently reading
60 people want to read
About the author
Stephen F. Arterburn
257 books154 followersStephen Arterburn is the founder and chairman of New Life Ministries—the nation's largest faith-based broadcast, counseling, and treatment ministry—and is the host of the nationally syndicated New Life Live! daily radio program aired on over 180 radio stations nationwide, Sirius XM radio, and on television. Steve is also the founder of the Women of Faith conferences, attended by over 4 million women, and of HisMatchforMe.com.
Steve is a nationally known public speaker and has been featured in national media venues such as Oprah, Inside Edition, Good Morning America, CNN Live, the New York Times, USA Today, and US News & World Report.
In August 2000, Steve was inducted into the National Speakers Association's Hall of Fame. A bestselling author, Steve has written more than one hundred books, including the popular Every Man's series and his most recent book, Healing Is a Choice. He is a Gold Medallion–winning author and has been nominated for numerous other writing awards.
Steve has degrees from Baylor University and the University of North Texas as well as two honorary doctorate degrees. Steve is a teaching pastor at Northview Church in suburban Indianapolis and resides with his family in Indiana.
Steve is a nationally known public speaker and has been featured in national media venues such as Oprah, Inside Edition, Good Morning America, CNN Live, the New York Times, USA Today, and US News & World Report.
In August 2000, Steve was inducted into the National Speakers Association's Hall of Fame. A bestselling author, Steve has written more than one hundred books, including the popular Every Man's series and his most recent book, Healing Is a Choice. He is a Gold Medallion–winning author and has been nominated for numerous other writing awards.
Steve has degrees from Baylor University and the University of North Texas as well as two honorary doctorate degrees. Steve is a teaching pastor at Northview Church in suburban Indianapolis and resides with his family in Indiana.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews
January 2, 2020
Summary: If you are interested in how to handle people with BPD instead of how to remove yourself from such a situation, this is a great book. So far it's one of the best I've read that handles the topic.
Here's the deal. If you are dealing with someone with BPD (work or personal life), the options are extremely limited. This book attempts to address that. The reviews are a bit harsh, possibly because he's being reviewed for more than just the content of this book. Some reference his podcasts? I'm not sure. I have none of that background.
What I can say is that not everyone is advanced enough yet to handle BPD people. If you are someone that has C-PTSD from a parent with BPD and you have not healed that, step 1 is healing yourself. That will not happen if you are still filled with the toxicity of a BPD person. I would only try this book once you have overcome a lot of that stuff.
However, if you're in a place where you want to or don't have a choice but to connect with BPD people or are attempting to handle a BPD loved one, this is a reasonably great book. Similarly, if you're in a career choice that attracts high performing people with BPD then this is a great book.
When I was looking for resources, many were too focused on BPD behavior in the form of self-harm. As a result, most of the advice had to do with having compassion on self-harm. This is not helpful for the type of BPD that is quite toxic to others. In this regard, I agree with Arterburn, i.e. love and compassion is the way. The thing is that if you are not mentally/emotionally strong enough yet, i.e. you are recovering as a victim or you've just been at the grind for too long, then this book is going to feel unsympathetic. I would just shelve it until you self-heal.
Assuming you can handle this book then here are my notes. I read on hoopla, which sadly I have not figured out how to give proper page numbers on.
"Anger is a divine warning system, like the flashing lights at a train crossing.... At the same time, we should be aware that anger is not the same as hate, aggression, loss of control, revenge, or hostility. When fear lingers and grows too fast, the result can become loathing and intense aversion expressed as malice. The helpful emotion has turned into a different creature. The carry-over is the same with revenge or lingering hostility. The emotion is no longer a warning light but has turned into a sword." The point is you got to let go.
Those dealing with BPD people have to be strong enough not to let anger turn into something else. The mind wants to place intent where none exists. This will destroy your ability to heal yourself, others, and to otherwise, not have your own forms of psychopathy. This is introduced early on and is crucial to understanding what Arterburn is saying.
"You cannot make people with BPD follow a constructive path. They have to make those decisions for themselves, but you can model a better way. When people with BPD receive insight or kindness in response to their misguided assaults, they might see a path they didn't know was there. Your anger might just turn them toward self-discovery."
The key to this, again, is to be able to sustain love and compassion during the types of outbursts and antics of a BPD. This is super hard, especially in work environments that breed this behavior (if your BPD people are work-related). A lot of very senior people are BPD. Demonstrating a different path separate from what becomes institutionalized BPD takes advanced people skills. Also, the book fails to mention that while you're modeling, it might take a REALLY long time for the BPD to recognize it. So it's not like just being compassionate and nice is going to get you results. That's why is say this book is only for the strong of heart. This sentence implies the BPD person might not realize what they are doing for a long while. They are not enlightened by definition.
Later in Chapter 7, he talks directly about some of the worst cases of BPD parent-child relations. In these cases, you can't really reconcile and in fact, many of the effects are so permanently damaging. The point here is to seek help when you think that something is really wrong in this way. Remember, the BPD in a parent-child relationship is the worst, b/c the point is abandonment and the lengths a parent who is unaware of their BPD to dominate in order not to be abandoned is terrible.
There is a section on boundaries and the idea that BPD children lack a real understanding of what they are. This is fascinating. I want to learn more about what the "clinical" idea of boundaries is. Seeing this cross-referenced in what we're seeing in the modern workplace might be rather interesting, IMO. He defines a few different types of people and their concept of boundaries: Soft Boundaries, spongy boundaries, rigid boundaries, flexible boundaries. The last is what we're going for, which is:
"Folks with flexible boundaries are difficult to exploit. They exercise control and are resistant to emotional contagion. Psychological manipulation has little success with them because they make firm decisions about whom they will let in and whom they will keep out. This position is a target we should shoot for."
He offers a lot of biblical scripture that talks about how to do deal with BPD. I think this is good for those that take the church's scripture as black and white is too simple a way. For example, forgiveness, while important, does not address people who are BPD.
I also love that he explains the issue with poor boundaries, i.e. all the different ways people hurt each other (gossip, back-biting, political behavior, etc). I had not thought about the knock-on effects, the potential volatility that comes from not having a strongly developed sense of boundaries.
"Working through past injuries can restore self-esteem." This is one of the reasons the BPD lashes out.
There were a lot of other good resources in the notes.
Here's the deal. If you are dealing with someone with BPD (work or personal life), the options are extremely limited. This book attempts to address that. The reviews are a bit harsh, possibly because he's being reviewed for more than just the content of this book. Some reference his podcasts? I'm not sure. I have none of that background.
What I can say is that not everyone is advanced enough yet to handle BPD people. If you are someone that has C-PTSD from a parent with BPD and you have not healed that, step 1 is healing yourself. That will not happen if you are still filled with the toxicity of a BPD person. I would only try this book once you have overcome a lot of that stuff.
However, if you're in a place where you want to or don't have a choice but to connect with BPD people or are attempting to handle a BPD loved one, this is a reasonably great book. Similarly, if you're in a career choice that attracts high performing people with BPD then this is a great book.
When I was looking for resources, many were too focused on BPD behavior in the form of self-harm. As a result, most of the advice had to do with having compassion on self-harm. This is not helpful for the type of BPD that is quite toxic to others. In this regard, I agree with Arterburn, i.e. love and compassion is the way. The thing is that if you are not mentally/emotionally strong enough yet, i.e. you are recovering as a victim or you've just been at the grind for too long, then this book is going to feel unsympathetic. I would just shelve it until you self-heal.
Assuming you can handle this book then here are my notes. I read on hoopla, which sadly I have not figured out how to give proper page numbers on.
"Anger is a divine warning system, like the flashing lights at a train crossing.... At the same time, we should be aware that anger is not the same as hate, aggression, loss of control, revenge, or hostility. When fear lingers and grows too fast, the result can become loathing and intense aversion expressed as malice. The helpful emotion has turned into a different creature. The carry-over is the same with revenge or lingering hostility. The emotion is no longer a warning light but has turned into a sword." The point is you got to let go.
Those dealing with BPD people have to be strong enough not to let anger turn into something else. The mind wants to place intent where none exists. This will destroy your ability to heal yourself, others, and to otherwise, not have your own forms of psychopathy. This is introduced early on and is crucial to understanding what Arterburn is saying.
"You cannot make people with BPD follow a constructive path. They have to make those decisions for themselves, but you can model a better way. When people with BPD receive insight or kindness in response to their misguided assaults, they might see a path they didn't know was there. Your anger might just turn them toward self-discovery."
The key to this, again, is to be able to sustain love and compassion during the types of outbursts and antics of a BPD. This is super hard, especially in work environments that breed this behavior (if your BPD people are work-related). A lot of very senior people are BPD. Demonstrating a different path separate from what becomes institutionalized BPD takes advanced people skills. Also, the book fails to mention that while you're modeling, it might take a REALLY long time for the BPD to recognize it. So it's not like just being compassionate and nice is going to get you results. That's why is say this book is only for the strong of heart. This sentence implies the BPD person might not realize what they are doing for a long while. They are not enlightened by definition.
Later in Chapter 7, he talks directly about some of the worst cases of BPD parent-child relations. In these cases, you can't really reconcile and in fact, many of the effects are so permanently damaging. The point here is to seek help when you think that something is really wrong in this way. Remember, the BPD in a parent-child relationship is the worst, b/c the point is abandonment and the lengths a parent who is unaware of their BPD to dominate in order not to be abandoned is terrible.
There is a section on boundaries and the idea that BPD children lack a real understanding of what they are. This is fascinating. I want to learn more about what the "clinical" idea of boundaries is. Seeing this cross-referenced in what we're seeing in the modern workplace might be rather interesting, IMO. He defines a few different types of people and their concept of boundaries: Soft Boundaries, spongy boundaries, rigid boundaries, flexible boundaries. The last is what we're going for, which is:
"Folks with flexible boundaries are difficult to exploit. They exercise control and are resistant to emotional contagion. Psychological manipulation has little success with them because they make firm decisions about whom they will let in and whom they will keep out. This position is a target we should shoot for."
He offers a lot of biblical scripture that talks about how to do deal with BPD. I think this is good for those that take the church's scripture as black and white is too simple a way. For example, forgiveness, while important, does not address people who are BPD.
I also love that he explains the issue with poor boundaries, i.e. all the different ways people hurt each other (gossip, back-biting, political behavior, etc). I had not thought about the knock-on effects, the potential volatility that comes from not having a strongly developed sense of boundaries.
"Working through past injuries can restore self-esteem." This is one of the reasons the BPD lashes out.
There were a lot of other good resources in the notes.
October 6, 2024
This book offers a foundational understanding that is crucial for any partner wanting to provide support. However, I found the book occasionally veered into overly clinical territory, lacking the personal touch that would resonate more deeply with readers seeking emotional connection. One of my main criticisms is the limited focus on practical strategies for communication and conflict resolution. Additionally, the emphasis on self care for partners is valuable, but it sometimes felt like a distraction from the core relationship dynamics. While I recognize the importance of maintaining my own mental health, I wanted more guidance on how to create a nurturing environment that fosters trust and understanding between us. Something this book couldn't give me. The book underscores how validating a partner’s feelings can alleviate distress. The author also addresses the fear of rejection and the longing for connection that many with BPD feel. This exploration humanises the disorder, allowing readers to understand that beneath the challenging behaviours lies a deep desire for love and acceptance. Which is beautiful to see.
February 11, 2020
I think this is a great book if you are a Christian who has been blindsided, confused and troubled by the behavior of someone with this diagnosis, and you need a friendly reminder that you are not crazy for your emotional responses and perceptions. It can help you feel as though you are not alone.
I do think more attention/support could be given to knowing when to walk away though. He mentions it, but it doesn’t receive a whole lot of “airtime.” It is possible that if one keeps trying to help/reach/study about someone w BPD who doesn’t want Christ to change them, they will be totally drained or even become codependent.
I really like some of the suggestions and his friendly tone. Worth reading!
I do think more attention/support could be given to knowing when to walk away though. He mentions it, but it doesn’t receive a whole lot of “airtime.” It is possible that if one keeps trying to help/reach/study about someone w BPD who doesn’t want Christ to change them, they will be totally drained or even become codependent.
I really like some of the suggestions and his friendly tone. Worth reading!
May 30, 2019
Reinforced things learned over the years about reframing and changing expectations. Nothing new but a quick read and is helpful to be reminded about perspective and taking a step back to tend to your own emotional health.
May 1, 2019
Very helpful
Very helpful strategies are practical and effective and the description of working with borderline personality is accurate. I wish I had this book years ago
Very helpful strategies are practical and effective and the description of working with borderline personality is accurate. I wish I had this book years ago
July 21, 2019
I've listened to Steve on and off over the years and since I was working in a faith based non-profit as a therapist thought I would see what he had to say about BPD. I found this about as informative as popular articles on line would be. There is a huge reporting of his own 'opinions' as what the source of BPD including the 'divorce is the problem blah blah blah' and and has mixed up traits from other personality disorders with this one. The answer to how to love someone with BPD is trite, miniming and does take into consideration that depth of toxicity exist within these dynamics. I appreciate his encouraging the reader to see people with BPD as human, but his answers 'they are wounded' is far too simplistic. There are many people who are deeply wounded and don't end up with BPD, nor do they resort the manipulative tactics and aggression that can blindside a person in intimate relationships. There are far better books out there including Stop Caretaking the Narcissist and Borderline that is far more helpful to navigate these relationships.
May 23, 2020
For anyone who has experienced the over-the-top anger of someone with borderline personality disorder, this book aids both understanding and gives you a way for Christians to respond and forgive without accepting responsibility for the BPD person's actions. The author sees the cause of BPD as childhood trauma of some kind. Many people experience childhood trauma without becoming BPD. There must be a genetic or choice component involved as there is in any addiction. Still, I appreciated the plan of action outlined by the author in dealing with people, especially loved ones, who have BPD.
August 13, 2018
Disappointing. Very lightweight. Felt like a superficial and scattered treatment of the subject. I wanted a Christian treatment of the subject--which this is--but I find other books without a Christian premise more practical.
October 17, 2018
While there are many books on this topic, this one just skimmed the surface with niceties. n.b it is part of the author's series on Wellness. BPD for Dummies?
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews